Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years?
If you are, you love an ex from the past for a few possible reasons:
- You haven’t let go of your ex.
- You haven’t found happiness with someone else or on your own.
- Something triggered your nostalgia and made you reminisce about the old times.
Whatever the case may be, you still love your ex after 5, 10, or 20 years because you haven’t been very happy with your romantic life.
You’d probably been running in circles with little to no success.
Or perhaps you recently suffered from a romantic loss and thought about the old times when things felt simple and straightforward.
We’re talking about the times when you felt at ease.
Or at least you thought you did.
Whether you were actually happy or not doesn’t matter right now because nostalgia isn’t always your greatest ally.
It often works against your well-being as it tends to take your old memories, sugar-coats them and makes them seem more valuable than they actually are.
Have you ever wondered why there are particular things in the past that you put immense value on?
Things such as songs, movies, locations, videogames, jewelry, people, and so on?
It’s because a long time ago (most likely in your childhood), you idolized or loved them so much that you anchored them to your long-term memory.
Every time they made you feel good, you shoved them deeper into your subconscious mind and made them a permanent part of you.
As a result, whenever you seek those feelings of joy today, nostalgia hits you in the form of a craving. It makes you want that which you used to have many years ago.
The point we’re trying to make is that nostalgia makes you think that what you had back then is better than what you have now.
So try to think rationally about this matter and discern whether you really love your ex after 20 years or if you’re just unhappy with your marital status and your life in general.
Today, we’ll talk about what you can do if you’re still in love with an ex after 20 years or so.
I still love my ex after 20 years
A lot of things can happen in just 1 year, let alone in 10 or 20.
Your ex has probably matured a lot and achieved personal success since you last saw him or her.
That’s why you’re curious about your ex again.
You now covet who your ex has become and envy the person your ex should have been long ago when you dated.
In other words, nostalgia is making you feel those bittersweet feelings in the gut, convincing you that logic is for fools.
But as we said before, it’s not.
The emotions you feel for your ex after 20 years are most likely not love. They’re a strong desire to have that which you had and later lost.
They’re a reminder to reclaim your happiness so that you can be emotionally content once more.
You need to understand that your love tank is currently empty and that the void in your stomach is telling you to do something about your ex.
It’s telling you that you must reconcile with your ex or you will never be happy.
But is this truly the case? Is your ex really the one and only person who can make you happy?
Well, it’s highly likely that you, your ex, or both weren’t happy back then.
Your relationship didn’t function the way it should have functioned, so you technically broke up for a good reason.
You weren’t right for each other at the time because there were too many personality clashes for your relationship to carry on.
That’s why you had to go separate ways and find someone who you can compromise with.
You really had no choice unless you broke up due to disapproving parents and families or something completely out of your control.
In that case, you needed to stop loving your ex by force.
But for most people, it’s not like that. They can’t blame others for the demise of their relationship because they’re solely responsible.
I still love my ex after 20 years
Believe it or not, but it’s not unusual for a person to love his or her ex after 20 years.
In fact, it’s perfectly normal because a lot of people find themselves in this predicament.
They get in touch with their ex or their ex contacts them and they start communicating again as if nothing happened.
The reason why they’re able to do that is that most ex-couples let go of their resentment toward each other after 20 years.
They completely forget about the reasons behind their breakup and decide to catch up when the time is right.
Due to a shared past, they’re then able to bond on a deeper level, and in some cases, even reignite the spark they’d lost years ago.
Those are typically the couples who had experienced many personal difficulties after their splitâand as a result, grew inwardly (matured).
So if you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years and you haven’t told your ex that yet, pay close attention to how you can make your ex love you again.
The advice is so simple you should have no trouble understanding.
How to make your ex love you if it’s been years?
If you recently got back in touch with your ex and your ex is single, you don’t have to resort to magic spells to get your ex back.
They don’t work anyway.
You and your ex “just” have to like each other and be on the same wavelength.
And the only way for you to know if you are is to start planning your time with your ex.
Invite him or her out and discern what your ex feels about you.
If you get the feeling that your ex genuinely wants to hang out and get to know you again, continue to be the best version of yourself and show your ex that you can contribute to your ex’s life.
It doesn’t get any simpler than that.
Your ex will either like you, not like you, or be open-minded enough to get to like you.
So don’t think that you have to attract your ex back with push and pull manipulation techniques.
The only technique you should be using is the technique that presents you in the best, most attractive light.
You did it once beforeâand chances are that it can work again if your ex’s thoughts about you changed for the better and his or her feelings reset.
Just keep in mind that how your ex perceives you and what he or she feels toward you when you meet up is completely out of your control.
For example, if your ex isn’t ready for a new relationship or feels disgusted by youâyour ex obviously won’t like you.
He or she will come up with an excuse not to see you and continue to live his or her life without you.
And if you keep texting and calling, your ex might even start ignoring you and eventually block you.
So have some self-respect and don’t let it get that far. Find someone else to date.
What do I do if my ex doesn’t love me back?
If your ex wants to stay friends with you and talks to you regularly despite rejecting you, it would be wise that you don’t continue to engage in conversation with your ex.
Don’t try to be “a good person” and stay friends with your ex and remain on good terms.
As long as you crave your ex’s love and attention, your ex will continue to starve you for validation and delay the time it takes for you to abandon your feelings for him or her.
Not only that.
Your ex will unintentionally put you through an emotional rollercoaster by using the aforementioned push and pull technique on you.
Your ex will likely talk to you one moment and then ignore you the nextâand by doing so, make you hungry for love again.
But when your ex pulls you in and sees that you’re getting closer, your ex will suddenly pull back and maybe even start dating someone else.
That’s when your nostalgic cravings for your ex will deepen so much that you’ll start to feel the pain of rejectionâand crave your ex even more.
So if you truly love yourself and you know what’s good for you, don’t put yourself through unnecessary difficulties.
Don’t beg and plead and lower your worth. Your ex doesn’t deserve to see you desperate.
How can I stop loving my ex?
If you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years and your ex rejected you or you’re married/in a relationship, the best way for you to stop loving your ex is to take the following measures:
- Disconnect yourself from your ex and stop all contact.
- Find the reason why you still love your ex after so many years.
- Once you’ve found that reason, start working on your internal happiness. Become happy with yourself again and find your passion and ambition again. Seek professional help if you have to. Anything to change your mindset and consequently, feelings.
If you seriously focus on moving past your exâand most importantly, on finding yourself again, I guarantee that you’ll fall out of love with your ex.
You’ll become so busy thinking about bettering your emotional well-being that you won’t think about old, nostalgic cravings anymore.
You’ll worry about loving yourself and not about an ex from decades ago.
Why am I still in love with my ex?
Love can be very tricky sometimes as it can make us think we love a person because of the way we feel.
But that’s not entirely true. Although the way we feel about a person is very important, emotions alone aren’t the only factor that signifies our attraction for a person.
Love also requires sufficient logic and willpower. Especially once we get past the initial stages of a new relationship. That’s when infatuation wanes and emotions become a lot less important.
The way we communicate and whether we get along starts to matter a lot more.
I’d say it matters the most because what we think, we tend to do. And what we do, the other person perceives and feels.
Anyway, we’re much more likely to like or love our crush if he or she gives us less of his or her time. And if that person rejects us on top of that, we get hurt and become dependent on him or her for recognition.
That’s when we begin to think to ourselves that we must really love him or her otherwise we wouldn’t feel so broken-hearted.
But in reality, we just need to deepen our love for ourselvesâand our need for validation will dissipate into thin air.
It’s our self-love and self-esteem, therefore, that’s lacking; our happiness within ourselves.
So much so that we see the positives in someone else as an opportunity to increase our overall contentedness.
We want another person to become a part of us, so we subconsciously think to ourselves, “If I can have the good features of this person in my life, I will have such and such. I will feel complete at last.”
But as you know, others can’t replace your lackings. They can make your happiness better (if you’re happy).
But they can’t take your unhappiness away. Only you can do that.
You don’t need another person to feel complete. If you feel incomplete, you shouldn’t be dating at all because you’re not ready.
You should be working on bettering yourself as a person and increasing your well-being.
This should be your number one priority.
Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years? How did you tackle your feelings of love? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I could literally write a book here but I don’t want to eventually upset someone even more than I already did. 21 years of silence are more than enough for me.
However, it’s funny how one morning I woke up, saying her name out loud. It seems like I simply forgot all the wrong she did to me. Too bad she’s not over what I said to her in turn, because for a month now I’m trying to get a reply to one of my emails I keep sending her and nothing comes through.
She was indeed my first but still.. is it possible to forget all the hurt and what was wrong and just come back to having feelings? Because I literally feel like I’m drowning and can’t breath and she’s on my mind 24h/day, 7 days/week.
Hi Cosmocris.
It’s more than possible to forget all the hurt. All it takes is a lot of unhappiness and nostalgia. Figure out why you’re missng her all of a sudden. If it’s random, you must have created a pattern of thinking about her. You need to break that pattern by convincing yourself she wasn’t and still isn’t the right person for you, and replace her with someone else.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for this article! It brings great comfort knowing their are several people dealing with the same struggle and sharing their stories.
You’re welcome, Kelly! Thanks for reading!
Zan
it’s been about 5years since my ex girlfriend ghosted me and I bothered her a lot the first year and a half until I took Zans advice and left her alone.She’s remarried and i’m amazed she didn’t hit me with a restraining order. she had me blocked on all social media. I have finally gotten over her and don’t even waste my time looking at old photos of us
Hi Billyc.
Great job on getting this far. It wasn’t easy, but you managed to recover fully and started a new chapter. Make sure to stay away from your ex for good. If for some reason, you get the temptation to check up on her, resist it and get busy. Work on your self-control and the things you want in life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yeah, the diagnosis here is way off base in its assumptiveness. I still love an ex from 23 years ago, lets call her O, but none of those things apply. We broke-up amicably. I had many other relationships and am now married with kids. I am significantly more successful than O. My wife is has the same ethnic background as O, is just as smart — wife is more SAT Verbal, O is more SAT Math — is a bit younger and markedly prettier, especially as time goes. Though to be sure they both have the same Mila Kunis-esque look and indeed, all three hail from the same place. Most significantly she is domestically oriented, which was a source of tensions with O who is in my same profession.
All three of us have signifcant graduate education, but my wife was willing to exit before the end so that she could raise or children while O felt that she had invested too much not too finish. Even now when she contacts me — often after a few glasses of wine — its is to cry about how she doesn’t get enough time with her son and our profession turned out to be the cycnical politically dominated minefield as my wife — though not me at the time — correctly saw it.
Everything that you said disipate this “false” love has happened, but it is still undeniable that I love her and am *in* love with her. Though its a much softer and patina-ed in-love than it was or than I have with my wife. I thought maybe her habit of calling me from half-way around the world — she is back in Europe now — had reopened feelings and required another closure.
So, I completely laid it out to her. I told her I still loved her. She said that was insane tried to convince me that my life was good and my wife was beautiful. I told her no-no I love my life. I love my life. We broke up for the right reasons and the things we couldn’t give each other I now have. But, the heart has reasons that reason cannot know. And for those reasons I was going to block her on my phone and social media.
She seemed exsperated at the idea and asked if my wife was putting me up to it. I told her bluntly that no, but it doesn’t take a mind reader to know how I feel. My wife and I met up with my first love while visting my parents for the holidays. It was prefectly normal and non-awkward, with warm but platonic feelings around, yet literally as that coffee meet was winding down I got a text from O — about nothing really — and was visibly emotionally distracted and awkward. Both my first love and wife saw it right away.
So, after a string of protests she finally tearfully agreed. I blocked her. That was about six months ago. I haven’t heard from or seen her. Yet, today I unblocked her on one account because my heart just ached to see her face. She doesn’t know yet, but of course I feel like an idiot.
That’s what brought me to this post. Whatever is going on is deep and visceral and does not respond to the usual techniques. You might say that because of her similarities with my wife I am experiencing transference. But, my wife and O are by no means the only petite Eastern Europe intellectuals that I have been intimate with. My wife is also blonde now and Americanized which makes her closer to S, the other sort of super-major petite Ukrainian-descent academic that I’ve loved. O still has jet black hair and Slavic smart-girl style and mannerisms.
You could say that maybe I miss that, but honestly most of the women I’ve been with are exactly that and I don’t have these feelings for any of them. In contrast I would say that I definitely still love S and probably always will but I am not in love with her. Romantic feelings only come about from explicit nostalgia or reminiscing and the once that has ended.
In contrast my feeling for O well-up at random times and whenever they do they are like the sound of a ticking clock that one has just noticed, but somehow seems simultaneously to extend into the indefinite past. That is, it seems that these feelings are always there they are just usually far from the front of my mind. If I purposely think of O they are always there immediately and extending into the seemingly indeterminate past.
So, I’ve written too much already, but maybe this exogesis will release some of these feelings, I can reblock O and be none — or at least only a bit — worse for the wear.
You were honest with yourself Kevin and your audience here. It’s quite normal to still have feelings for an ex, however your wife appears to be a loving woman and good for you. Why would you want to sacrifice this? It sounds like you are so smart and over analyzing everything, however I am 100% percent certain your present wife would not or did not appreciate your banter with your ex. Would you be upset if you lost your relationship with your wife (or not)? Appreciate what you have or realize you are “fishing” for attention which may compromise your present relationship. Is it worth it? This is only for you to choose. We cannot answer for you.
Dr. Chris
So, here is a thing â itâs a long one sorryâŚ. Met a girl, fell in love and had a really good relationship, though I was immature at the time, we kept braking up as; career factors – ‘won’t get far being married young’, and ‘go live your life before settling down’ and ‘your too young’ swayed me more than it did her. But something kept pulling us back and we muddled through until my infidelity (again) caused the ‘final break’, however it was that final break that something in me ‘pinged’ and I knew it was her â she was âthe oneâ, but it was too late, she had great and welcoming family, everything (in hindsight ) one could hope for and I knew she had loved me, but was it too late for me to finally open up and explain it to her? My fear of rejection and a continuation of the pain that I was feeling was a very strong deterrent, so I decided to leave well alone and let her get on with her life and I mine.
In a very self-focused period of my life, I became a bit of a ‘cad’, giving every woman what she wanted and what I believed they wanted – the truth. Subconsciously comparing every girl against her, never seeming to settle down but still always wondering what she was doing, how she was and how I had missed an opportunity, but life rolls on, and I crushed all feelings into an small emotional ball and would do that by remembering the hurt and focusing on that. Time went by and I eventually got married and had two wonderful daughters and focused on life, but always would wonder how things were going on in her life and while working internationally would often wonder ‘what if?’ about this girl. While the opportunity to ‘stray away from home’ was presented many times, I always found it easy to brush things off and remained faithful.
Skip forward till about 10 years ago and through Facebook tied up with her brother. Chatted and found out that she had married and since divorced and was asked the dreaded question ‘ You were so ‘tight’ with my sister, do you mind if I ask why you split up?’. So I told the truth â By the time I had realised she was âthe oneâ â I had missed my chances and yes I had regretted it, but life rolls on and you continue as best you can.
Throughout my married life, I made and have stuck to my choices â good or bad. The choice to step off my career and look after my wife after our two children were born (V.V bad post-natal depression with both and a post-natal haemorrhage), all the time supporting her and the kids and helping her get back into her career choice. Eventually supporting her choice going back in to the legal profession and trying to get back into my career â which I found once one hits 50, is dead. So I focused on being a house husband and occasionally helping friends out in their businessâs.
Then about 4 months ago, the exâs mum passed away and I wrote to her husband and asked if I could attend the funeral, a wonderful reply back saying âof course, it would be lovely to see youâ. And I did not think anything else of it, until the day of the funeral, while I was waiting I saw her. As to be expected, things were miserable due to the funeral, but I genuinely felt giddy, my heart started pumping and a shot of adrenalin popped through me. But I remained calm and supported the family as best I could. At the wake afterwards, I did the circuit and saw and spoke to the family and extended family, of which many remembered me and we caught up on the elapsed time! Then the time came, I was sitting down and she approached me and pulled up a chair and we began talking. What seemed like five mins was broken by a polite cough (and a grin) from her sister announcing that some people were leaving (it had been a good hour or so). We bade our farewells, after exchanging numbers and promising to call. On the drive home all I kept thinking was âHow can I feel this wayâŚâŚ. After so long?â and âItâs not possibleâ. And thought nothing else of it.
Until a few weeks back â it was her birthday in early September (a date I never forgot and wondered in the past should I send a birthday card , but never did) and I had the excuse to contact her, but choose not to, after all I did not know who she felt about me and I was not going to be that ‘creepy ex’. That was until the day after her birthday she whatsapp’ed me with a sarcastic emoji for missing her birthday. Well that started a rather fun text exchange. That carried on for a while, and we decided to meet. And thatâs where the problems started.
I was the first to break and splurged out how I was sorry for what I did, and that by the time I realised âshe was the oneâ I knew it was too late and my cowardice and pride prevented me from perusing her anymore and that even today and from when I saw her at the funeral, I was doing everything I could to remain rational and calm. She shot me a look, that is very hard to explain, and in a quiet voice said âwhy didnât you? I have always loved you and I always wanted to see you again, yes I was angry, and yes you broke my heart, but you should have come back to me a talked. When I saw you at the funeral I was so happy and I had the same feeling as when I first saw you all those years ago! I have not stopped thinking about you since’.
We have met a few times since, and on the last occasion (and for the first time in 25 years) I kissed someone other than my wife. Not forced by either side, but natural, and this is where I need some help. Please.
I know what I am doing is wrong, I know I have a wife but now the kids are getting older, she is getting ready for âempty nest syndromeâ and refuses to admit that soon they will both be leaving, coupled with my lack of income and her career the past few years have been âcoldâ, but my ex has always been my âkryptoniteâ and I appear to be hers. In conversation, it has picked up where we left off but with the added advantage that we are both a little older and wiser (sic) and so we donât let things run out of control. The logical thing would be to walk away now, but I donât think I can. I canât explain it or the new/old feelings that I am currently experiencing, but I would appreciate some thoughts and any sensible advice greatly welcomed.
Thank you.
Anon
Coming in a few months late.. but better late than never…
Give it time. Don’t jump into anything. Figure out if this is real and deep or just *infatuation* or *loving the memory of who you were*. She could be a completely different person now.
Having said that – don’t blow it off/cut it off and walk back to the wife. Clearly you have feelings that should not be bottled up. It does not help with the relationship with the wife either.
At this point, you are mentally not into your wife and that relationship. Give it time, and see if it is lasting.. then sit down with the wife and have a chat with her about her life path and plans. Sometimes two people have a path together for some time, and then they go separate ways,. That was the journey. The time with the ex was a journey, the time with the wife was another journey, and who knows, the time with the ex all over again could be another journey in your destiny. Whatever you do, don’t rush it. You don’t want to jump into the ex, dump the wife and then realize you both are very different people now than before.. then you will have nothing but heart burn on both sides.
Cheers!
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Hi Zan,
I dated my ex about 7 years ago for a year. The first 6 months were amazing, and I was head over heels. After a while, he started manipulating and psychologically, and eventually physically abusing me. We began fighting a lot, and when I found out he was cheating, I broke up with him. He tried to get me back for a while, but eventually we decided not to contact each other again. I am married now and love my partner, but I donât get those whirlwind feelings I once did from my past. I want deeply to love the man Iâm with as much as I loved my ex, but this relationship is so much more stable that I donât think Iâll ever really feel the whirlwind romance of bittersweet feelings again. Do you have any advice as to how I can let go of my past?
Thank you
Gina
Hi Gina.
You remember the strong feelings from the past because they made you want your ex for the wrong reasons. You didn’t feel love, but rather emotional dependence and attachment. You indeed won’t feel the desperate need for recognition anymore, Gina – and that’s a good thing. It means that your relationship is stable and that you must appreciate it. Connect with your partner on a deeper level and you’ll feel a different, more positive kind of emotion. You don’t need to get hurt to feel connected. That’s not a healthy connection, it’s codependence.
You can let go of the past by realizing that the emotions you felt for your ex were unhealthy and that you’re much happier now. So focus on your partner and nurture the relationship. Express gratitude and plan the future.
Kind regards,
Zan
Itâs been 3.5 years now. I met my other half at 33. He wasnât perfect, but he was perfect for me. I always knew what I wanted and needed in a partner, but never actually thought Iâd find that in one person. I was ready to just settle for âokâ before I met him. Part of me wishes Iâd never met him, as now I canât be happy knowing how much is missing.
We were together for a year, but there was so much going on that we never seemed to get enough time together. Then we were torn apart due to outside influences. For me, it was a relative getting cancer and me having to drop everything and move to be with them. He had issues with his child and ex wife in court and at the same time lost a family member. We both had to move far away.
By the time we reconnected, he had assumed I would find someone else so he had done the same. Heâd met a gold-digger on holiday on the rebound. She was open about wanting money, but he was convinced I was gone and so agreed to marry her very quickly so he would at have someone. When I came back to our country and met her, she actually asked me if I could hook her up with any wealthier men (!).
He knows about her obsession with money, but not about the cheating. He feels like he failed by divorcing once, and it cost him a lot. He wonât divorce again as it would financially ruin him and his child for good. She would get every last penny from him, as she has her claws in his businesses and everything else. She can do whatever she likes and he canât do a thing. I couldnât bear listening to her insult and humiliate him in public and him just sit there and refuse to do anything. So I left again and cut off all contact.
Iâve tried dating other men since then. I threw myself into dating and at first was optimistic I could meet someone else like him and be happy with them instead. I thought if there was one man who ticked all the boxes then surely I could find another. But Iâm nearing 40 and havenât found even half a match. Now it feels as though Iâm losing him all over again, as itâs dawning on me that maybe I wonât find anyone else and he really was the closest I will get to being happy. Thatâs a pretty depressing thought.
Hi Sammy.
Perhaps you can’t find a match because you’re looking for a person who’s similar to your ex. Don’t tell yourself how good your ex was and that no one will ever make you feel as good as him. That is, unfortunately, not true. If you found your ex, that means you can find someone even better for you. You just need to look in the right places.
If you want to be in a relationship, you have to be a little more open-minded and give guys a chance. I’m not saying you should give everyone a chance, but don’t be so selective that you only get to know guys who make a good first impression. Although first impression is important, not everyone will show you their true selves the very second they meet you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for this article.
I especially related to the part about being forced apart by parents and others. My ex and I were only in our teens when we were torn apart. My parents felt that I was too young and we moved away. We were both heart broken. Over the years I never stopped thinking about him, he even appeared in my dreams.
That was 28 years ago.
Over the years I had relationships and even had two children, which I wouldn’t change for anything. A few years after the break up, he found someone who helped him “get over” me. Then unfortunately she passed away suddenly at a young age. She died in his arms. He was devastated.
Recently, over the last two years we have been in touch and I have gone to his house to watch movies, we have been to eat out at restaurants on two occasions. My kids really like him and he likes them too. He said that he wishes they were his and probably could have been in another life. He told me that it was very hard to get over me and that the turning point came when his ex died in his arms. He said he would have given his life for her. I completely understand. She must have been a wonderful person to love someone as amazing as he is.
Only problem is, he still keeps me at arms length and I think it’s his hurt which is preventing him from reaching out. We text each other, but we don’t see each other often. He does flirt a little, and has opened up to me about a lot of things, but I know that he will always feel that deep loss for his love that died, even though I meant everything to him when we were younger.
I have tried so hard to get over him. It kills me more though to not have contact with him.
I think about him a lot, but I don’t tell him. Sometimes I will tell him that I miss him, then he will see me for a bit. But that’s as far as it goes. It’s frustrating. Do you think it’s possible that he will be able to take the next step? I mean I am open to seeing where it goes as I believe we could be happier together. We are reasonably happy people apart, but I know we could add to each others lives. I’m happy to hear your advice. Thanks đ
Hi Lea.
I’m not sure if this person is emotionally capable of having another relationship right now. He seems to still love his deceased partner and may not be ready to start a new chapter of his life just yet. I think you should ask him whether he’s thinking about dating againâand if he’s ready for a new relationship. If he is, confess your feelings to him and see how he responds.
If he wants to be with you, give it a go and expect him to occasionally compare you to his deceased spouse. But if he doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t ready, then you may want to distance yourself from him for your own good. You can’t chase after someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan. Appreciate the good advice.
I met and fell in love with someone when I was 19. He lived interstate so it was long distance with visits when he could (he was in the navy) over four years. At 23, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Resigned from my job, prepared to leave. Then the phone call came. He rang to tell me he was already married. Somewhere during that four years, he’d married someone else. Withdrew my resignation. Kept working. At 27 I married someone else. I am desperately unhappy and still in love with my old boyfriend. It has now been 36 years. We recently connected on Facebook. He’s still married. It is torture, but sweet pain as I am so in love with him. I wonder sometimes if his wife predeceases him in very old age, his nursing home could contact my nursing home and we could finally be together. He musts have loved me enough to ask me to marry him. There will never be anyone else for me.
Hi Lily.
You crave your ex for two reasons. 1)You didn’t properly get over him and 2)You haven’t found someone to connect with. Your relationship/s afterward haven’t been successful or as good as you hoped they would be, so you still think about the could haves and should haves. You need to remind yourself that a relationship with your ex wouldn’t be perfect either. There would be many obstacles to overcome.
My advice is to bond with other people and you’ll eventually find someone much better.
Kind regards,
Zan
This article really hit home and I truly feel for all of you in this situation too!
When I was 23/24, I dated someone 10 years older that already had a child. I have never felt more in love, safe, and truly felt at peace and at home with him. My heart still sinks every time I think of the good olâ days. As the relationship progressed, I started to want to hurry up and get married and have kids. He never said no and promised in time we would. I became clingy and just felt like I needed to know what would happen and when. We ended up breaking up, I was a messâŚand embarrassingly needy mess.
After about a year of some back and forth, I moved on. I dated someone for a year, got pregnant and married (in that order). Flash forward 15 yearsâŚI have filed for divorce which is something that should have happened years ago. Turns out that I married a narcissistic alcoholic, he has been in rehab OVER 50 times. I have 2 great kids that are now teenagers. I realize I only married him because I just wanted to get married and have kids and who it was with didnât matter.
I hadnât seen my ex at all in all these years, living in the same small town. About a year in a half ago I started seeing him everywhere. His friend lives 3 houses down from me, he spends a lot of time there. On top of that I just pass him almost everyday in some way. I have run into him at a random store about 30 minutes from where we live. Just seems like a lot of synchronicities to just be coincidence. As far as I know, he has not had a serious relationship since we broke up. We never speak to each other when we see each other and kind of act like we just donât see each other. Often, itâs driving past each other. Itâs weird and awkward. But deep in my bones, I just feel like we will have another chance!
One night after a few drinks, my friend convinced me to follow him on Instagram. The next morning I woke up with such regret, thinking for sure he would block me. He followed me back and liked a picture.
I felt such relief as I have been so worried that he hated me because of how I acted when we broke up. He definitely doesnât try to avoid me, as he drives and/or rides his bike past my house when he goes to his friendâs house when he could very well go a different way. This all sounds so childish but I just canât stop thinking of how happy and content I felt with him. I know that he felt like i needed to be happy on my own before I could be happy with someone else. After all these years in a loveless and lonely marriage, i have become very independent and at peace with who i am.
Part of me really wants to message him but what do I say after this long??? Do I wait to see him? Wait to see if he messages me?
I donât want to put him in an awkward spot. And I also donât know if I would rather not know then be rejected.
I really just needed to get this all out to others who are like minded.
Hi Betsy.
You’re being nostalgic, thinking only about the good times with your ex. You’d forgotten about the bad times – the reasons why you broke up. Also, if you were happily married, you wouldn’t be thinking about your ex. You’d be focusing on your marriage/happiness.
What’s happening is that your awareness of your ex has increased, so you’re now thinking about him a lot and seeing him everywhere. If you want to see if he’s open to talking to you (or maybe even more), just send him a message. Say that it’s been a while and that you’re wondering how he’s doing. If he seems receptive and into you, you will know when it’s time to take things further. You’ll feel it.
You’ve got this!
Kind regards,
Zan
About 20 years ago I lived with a very attractive man who was very caring and had a great sense of humor. We were both 20 years old when the relationship started. I was working full time and in university when I met him, he became unemployed from a retail sales job a few months after we began living together
He was in love with me from day one and showed it in many ways but he also could be very sulky. He got jealous and acted out when I went out with friends so I stopped socializing. He had a total lack of focus. In our almost 2 year relationship, he worked about 4 months in total at âminimum wageâ jobs. He was happy to work the minimum hours in order to qualify for unemployment insurance. Otherwise, he spent his time watching tv and looking after me by cooking my meals, doing my laundry, cleaning our apartment and driving me back and forth to school and to work. He told me many times that he loved looking after me. He gave me love notes, flowers and gifts of cute stuffed animals or jewelry pretty much on a weekly basis. Every day we said that we loved each other and we promised that we would love each other for ever
But then I became increasingly frustrated with him having no goals, no job and no direction in life. About a year into the relationship, I slowly started to turn down his attempts to become physical because I no longer had any desire to be intimate with him. My anger about his situation overtook the physical side of the relationship. Then, about 20 months into the relationship, his friendâs mom told me he that he was fooling around with another woman when I was at work. I believed her just based on his recent behavior
Shortly after, we broke up after a fight about money. I did not tell him that I knew about the affair. I just didn’t care enough to confront him about it. After the break up, I was happy that he was gone. I moved on after a few months with a new man and was very very happy. My new bf had a similar personality but he was university educated, working for a large company and was on his way to a very fulfilling career
My ex called me a few months after the break up. I told him that I was seeing someone and then he hesitantly told me that he was seeing someone. He told me that he had enrolled in an educational program for a professional career. I didnât pay much attention to his claim as I really did not think that he could commit to anything structured or long term
He sent flowers for my birthday with a letter. I threw the letter out without reading it and I gave the flowers to my mom. He called another time when I had my new bf over. I told him that I had a guest. He seemed to know what kind of guest it was. He sounded angry and said good bye. I didn’t think that I would hear from him again but he made one last call to me about a month later and I lashed out at him. I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no. And then he said yes. I told him that he should be calling his gf and paying attention to her and that he was cheating by calling me behind her back. I asked him why he was calling me and he said that he didn’t know why. And then he said he would never call me again. I was relieved and put him out of my mind and focused on the new relationship. I did not hear from him again
When I look back at pics of myself with my new bf from that time, I look deliriously happy, glowing and very content. I had fully moved on in my mind with no lingering baggage. I married that person a couple of years later. We are still married today and have a wonderful relationship. I mostly forgot about my ex for years although a couple of times I briefly wondered what had happened to him. In my mind, I always thought that he had a hard time getting over the relationship and that he probably had not done well in life
And then I recently searched for him on FB and found that the opposite was true
Not only had he finished that professional program but he had excelled in climbing the corporate ladder and was earning what appeared to be a high salary. He was married to a very attractive woman who seemed very nice and very devoted to him. He had children who he clearly adored (seeing this broke me the most). He lived in a beautiful house. He also had a beautiful lakeside cottage that he clearly enjoyed and he had many friends and family on FB that he was obviously close to and who cared about him
And then the intense nostalgia started
I had kept all of the pictures that we took during our relationship and I have now, many times since learning about his life, pulled them out to look at them after not looking at them since the break up. What struck me the most was the look of love in his eyes when he looked at me in those pics. It was boundless – he had truly loved me and he had shown me that in so many different ways throughout the relationship
And since I learned all of this and looked at all of those pics, I have been grieving the loss of the relationship and thinking how it all could have been so different. I know it sounds crazy but this is how I feel. I also know that if it had turned out that he had not done well in life, that I would likely not have given him another thought. Some might find this shallow but my choice at the time was a perceived difficult life versus an easier life. I want to believe that most would have made the same choice that I did and that most would have felt the same way if it turned out that the choice was the right one
Zan, I love your advice about detaching and that is what I am doing – no more googling, no more looking at pics. I still believe that the relationship ended for good reasons but I also know that I had failed at that time to properly grieve the loss of this person in my life who had cared so deeply for me
I contemplated reaching out to him but quickly ruled that out. What would be the point? Knowing him as I do, I know that he would likely tell me that he is happily married and that he doesn’t want to hurt his wife or his children by engaging in a conversation with me
The moral of this story is that it is so easy now to look up our past loves but be warned that you could open a Pandora’s box by doing so. My advice: Let sleeping dogs lie and don’t let your curiosity get the better of you
Hi Antoinette.
You thought your ex would never become ambitious and change, but he proved you otherwise and made you nostalgic. This is what usually happens to dumpers after years, but it took you a lot longer because you never had a reason to check up on him. Not until recently because you were happy with the way things were. If you looked him up online when you were happy, you probably wouldn’t even care about his success. You’d have plenty of success and happiness in your life.
I don’t think you should reach out to him, Antoinette. Not in the state that you’re in. If you want to reach out, do so when nostalgia and envy wane.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for your insights Zan, I really appreciate it. I actually always thought that he had moved on or dumped me first because of the affair but you’re making me think that maybe I am not seeing that clearly. I totally agree with you about not reaching out. There’s just nothing left to say unfortunately
You’re welcome, Antoinette.
You dumped him first, but life works in mysterious ways. You now miss him because you think he’s happy or happier than you.
I think you should first work on increasing your own happiness before you get into a new relationship.
Best regards,
Zan
I feel lucky I’ve found this page. Here’s my story: it will be 20 years this summer since I met the man of my dreams (in the literal sense).
At the time he was in a relationship of a few years (which I didn’t know when we met, and we fell in love instantly), and in the few weeks after he and I met, she became pregnant. The following months were horrible.. we had to make a decision. I wasn’t going to steal a boyfriend, let alone a soon-to-be father, I wanted him to be able to see his son and take care of him, and I had plans that involved being elsewhere.
So we had one last kiss and parted. It was heart-wrenching. It took me a few years to get back on my feet, but a new life/work.friends, another environment helped, and we lived in different towns.
I tried to make sense of this for years: how could you experience perfect love if you has to give it up almost instantly?
The connection was still there, we exchanged a few e-mails (this was before social media) over the years but I also knew we needed to work on ourselves away from one another – this connection really triggered us both.
I met other guys, but was never able to commit, as if this connection prevented it. I never married and never had children.
He had another 2 kids with the same woman, whom he married a few years ago.
Then in 2017 and after years of searching, I became familiar with the concept of twin souls, and it all began to make sense: he was only unconsciously mirroring my own beliefs about myself and about us. This story was impossible because I thought it had to be so, because deep down I was afraid to “have it all” with him.
Today we’re back in touch and text more regularly although we have not reunited physically. He still shows me the wounds I need to work on so communication isn’t always easy, but I’m no longer avoiding it. “God” knows what the future holds.
Good luck everyone. Love is awareness.
Hi Ella.
Initially, you fell in love with an infatuated image of him and craved the person he was at his best. That’s why you couldn’t detach from him even though you tried dating other people. It was too soon when you tried, so you alawys remembered him.
If you still love him and want my advice, try to emotionally understand that he’s married and can’t commit to you. Repeat this to yourself and get some space from him whenever you crave him. You have to change the way you interpret love/perceive him.
Best of luck, Ella!
Let me know how it goes.
Zan
This is a terrific piece, very helpful, touched every aspect of my situation. Great analogies and advice.
Thanks for reading, Lauren!
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex and I broke up fresh out of high school cuz my mom thought he couldn’t provide for me and wanted me to date an older guy. We went our separate ways but always kept in touch. We never once told each other throughout our friendship that we still loved each other. Now we both are married and finally had that conversation and it still hurts that we can’t be together. We are still very much in love but we are married to other people. It took me a very long time to finally accept and be in love with my husband and now I know why. Is it wrong that we still hold these very strong feelings toward each other after 15 years?
Hi Lean.
You never dealt with your emotions for your ex. You just moved on and met someone else. It’s not wrong that you have feelings for your ex as long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship. If it does interfere, I suggest that you get some space from your ex and focus on the relationship with your husband.
Best,
Zan
I think it’s a lil too late for that. Ever since we confessed our feelings, I lost all emotion towards my husband which makes me question if I was even in love with him in the first place. My husband is a good man but I realized I’ve had to hide parts of me from him over the years and was slowly losing who I am. And if I’m being honest the intense feelings and emotion I have toward my ex, even then and now, I have NEVER had that with anyone else not even my husband. I have been with my husband for 7 years, 6 months married and I only started loving him in the last 2 years or so I thought. What should I do now?
Hi Lean.
You have intense feelings for your ex because you couldn’t get him to reciprocate and give you what you wanted. You were forced to go separate ways. All this time, you have been focusing on his absence when you should have been focusing on your husband’s presence.
There are probably things you don’t like about your husband, but you have to understand what love really is. It’s learning to accept a person for who he is and finding a way to work it out with him.
You won’t like my advice, but you need to do something about your feelings for your ex. Now that you know why you feel so strongly for him, you must find reasons why staying with your husband is more important to you than being with your ex. So focus on your husband, plan more 1-on-1 time with himâand slowly, you’ll lose your unprocessed feelings for your ex.
You have to let go in order to move on.
Kind regards,
Zan