I’ve noticed that a lot of dumpers are using the Coronavirus pandemic as an excuse to reach out to their ex.
They’re saying that they’re worried about the virus affecting their lives and hurting their loved ones.
Some are even wishing their dumpees and their families the very best.
If you also got contacted by your ex because of Coronavirus (Covid-19), the first thing you need to understand is that your ex isn’t reaching out because of you.
He or she is contacting you out of fear and anxiety—and merely wants to confide in you to feel stronger about the outbreak.
Your ex basically wants to wish you well to wish himself or herself well.
And that’s because most people believe in Karma.
They think that if they wish the best to someone they hurt that they will redeem themselves and strengthen the bond with their guardian angel.
They do this out of panic and worry for themselves in order not to anger the deity that controls their misfortunes.
So don’t think that your ex’s distressed emotional state is a sign that you and your ex are meant to be.
It’s most likely just a sign that your ex regrets hurting you and that your ex is using the pandemic as an opportunity to reflect his or her uneasy mental state on you.
It’s what people do when they’re worried about their own health and safety.
They seek emotional reassurance, contact the people that are/were close to them and gain their forgiveness and understanding.
And even though a negative occurrence such as the new virus could cause a dumper to crumble under its weight, don’t think that your ex will want you back because of it.
Your ex is probably just a bit uncertain about the whole predicament and has plenty of emotional support to pull through the emotional struggles.
If your ex didn’t have the strength to persevere, he or she would demand a lot of attention (help) from you.
Your ex would apologize sincerely and continue to converse with you very frequently.
Today, we’re going to talk about what it means if your ex reached out to you during the Coronavirus pandemic.
For those who haven’t heard a peep from their ex, we’ll also discuss the importance of staying in no contact and talk about the reasons why you shouldn’t reach out because of the Coronavirus.
My ex reached out because of Coronavirus
If your ex wished the best to you and your family now that the Coronavius pandemic is here, be respectful and reply to your ex.
Mimic your ex’s interest level and say pretty much what your ex says. Only with your own words and style.
And if your ex continues the conversation afterward and asks you how you are, ask your ex the same. Or even better, answer your ex and say, “I hope you’re well. Take care of yourself.”
Keep in mind that there’s no need to communicate with your ex and stretch the conversation for hours. You won’t achieve what you’re after, so you may as well keep your pride and end the conversation.
If you choose to converse despite my warning, you will cause a lot of harm to yourself. And if you’re ex doesn’t really want to talk to you, you might even push your ex away.
You will give your ex the reassurance that he or she is after and suffer from a huge emotional setback yourself.
Especially if your wound is fresh and you’re still hurting over the breakup.
In that case, you’ll overanalyze every syllable and punctuation of the text and drive yourself crazy with possible ways that your reconciliation can unfold.
So keep all interactions with your ex to a minimum and leave before your ex loses interest in you again.
This way, you’ll retain the rest of your power and dignity—and continue to move on.
What should I say to an ex who makes excuses?
Since your ex is using the pandemic as an excuse to feel stronger, you shouldn’t empower your ex more than he or she deserves.
You must remember that your ex chose to live his or her life without you, so let your ex do just that.
Let him or her rely on the people your ex chose to keep in his or her circle. They will take care of your ex’s concerns and worries, so don’t reward your ex with unconditional love and support.
You’re not your ex’s go-to person anymore. This ended when your ex terminated the terms of your relationship contract and announced that he or she is going solo.
All of your support ended then. Your love, your care, your help, advice, and even opinion.
So now that it’s over, adjust to the new, single life and do what’s best for you, not your ex.
Tell your ex that you’d like to focus on yourself and that you wish the best to everyone that matters to your ex.
By doing so, you will dodge the breadcrumbs and let your ex know that he or she can no longer count on you for moral support.
Not unless your ex notices romantic value in you.
Should I reach out to my ex during the pandemic?
If your ex hasn’t contacted you and you’re still in indefinite no contact, the Coronavirus pandemic is not a good excuse to break no contact and reach out to your ex.
You can’t reach out no matter how concerned you are about yourself and your loved ones.
Don’t do it even if you’re worried about your ex and his or her family.
The truth is that your ex doesn’t care about you enough to reach out to you and you shouldn’t either.
It wouldn’t be fair. So keep your concerns to yourself and worry about the people who love you unconditionally.
We’re referring to your parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, friends, and everyone who appreciates you for who you are.
They are the people who think about your well-being all the time and not just when their a** is on the line.
They are the ones who truly matter.
Not an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who broke up with you and showed you that your life is not his or her concern.
That’s why you must keep your wishes to yourself. Don’t break the silence by reaching out to your ex about the Coronavirus pandemic.
You don’t need to be the super nice guy and tell everyone you know that you wish them well.
You don’t need to tell your ex to take care and be strong either. Although it might be the mature thing to do, it definitely isn’t the wisest.
Not when your dumper ex is as silent as the grave and doesn’t care about you.
Besides, it’s for the best that your ex doesn’t talk to you. You don’t want to hear from your ex because your ex could mess with your head.
He or she could hurt you and keep you wondering what his or her intentions were for days.
You certainly don’t want that.
So stay out of contact and don’t reach out to your ex even if the world is ending.
I want to reach out to my ex so badly. Coronavirus is depressing me!
As you already know, you mustn’t break the rules of no contact because the rules are your guidelines.
They are here for you to heal and recover from the mess that your ex put you in, so try to respect them.
If you don’t and you think that you can ignore these rules and reach out to your ex because talking to you ex will make you feel better, you have the whole recovery concept upside down.
Relationships and ex-partners have a drug-like effect on us.
The moment we reach out to an ex and get a response from our ex, we immediately crave another hit from our ex.
Sometimes, we even experience withdrawal symptoms, such as:
- shaking
- stuttering
- perspiring
- fast heart rate and shortness of breath
- panic attacks
- …
When we talk to an ex, we basically become even more dependent on our ex for his or her recognition and feel as if we took some highly addictive drug.
But the problem is that this drug isn’t even in our possession. Our ex is the only person in the world who has it.
This means that our ex decides how miserable we become by deciding whether to give us the drug or not.
If our ex gives us what we want, we soon want the main prize (our ex) and start to chase after it.
And if our ex doesn’t give us much of his or her attention, we feel rejected and hurt.
That’s why the only way not to get addicted to your ex in the first place is to stay away from your ex before you get pulled into your ex’s reach.
Whenever you feel the need to reach out to your ex because of Covid-19, remember that you’re still addicted to your ex and that contacting your ex won’t solve your problems.
It will make them worse.
My guess is that your ex will reply to your outreach out of politeness. But when you overwhelm your dumper (which will happen sooner than later), your ex will leave you behind once more and possibly even ignore you.
Maybe even block you on social media (if your desperation gets out of control).
Don’t reach out to an ex because of the Coronavirus!
The new Coronavirus is causing a lot of difficulties for those dumpees who are trapped inside their houses.
It’s making them think about their dumpers, forcing them to relive the emotions of rejection.
And this is very bad for them because rejection brings out painful, unwanted, nostalgic emotions.
So if you’re one of those dumpees who’s having a hard time letting go of an ex because of Coronavirus, try not to get caught in a negative thought spiral.
The truth is that other than you being trapped inside your house, nothing’s changed with your life.
Only your thoughts and perceptions.
Your ex is most likely spending his or her time inside just like you, doing the things he or she enjoys.
That’s why you must also do the things you love and find something that will get your mind off your ex.
You can sign up for an Audible account and listen to an audiobook of your liking.
I’m currently listening to a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It helps me get my mind off of unwanted things.
If you like learning and you want to stop thinking about your ex, I encourage you to give it a try. And if you don’t enjoy reading or listening to audiobooks, you can always engage in other indoor activities.
You can download millions of games and apps on your phone and computer. They will keep you busy and your brain distracted while you wait for the quarantine to end.
If you’re not a fan of using technology very much, this would probably be a good time to clean the house.
Throw away some of the things you’ve been hoarding for ages, paint the walls, reorganize your shelves and drawers and make the place look tidy again.
It’s time to get busy.
Just don’t sit around because if getting busy is the cure to get over a breakup, unproductiveness is the poison that hinders it.
I know I will use this valuable time to keep learning and improving.
What about you?
Are you tempted to reach out to your ex because of the Coronavirus pandemic? What are you doing in your free time? Let the readers know how you’re dealing with the desire to speak to your ex by commenting below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
My ex reached out to me yesterday. We were together for 3 years long distance. He broke up with me a year ago. I thought about reaching out to him but decided to stay in no contact. He texted asking how I was doing and apologize for not reaching out and that must be really hard for me right now. After we broke up he started seeing someone else and I think they are still together. Why is he reaching out to me? It just gives me hope because I still love him. Do I asked him why he ghosted me and now reaching out to me? I responded back asking how he was and I said it was ok that he had not reached out to me sooner. We talked about the pandemic. I was happy to hear from him but then it made me sad if he didn’t want to get back together with me.
Hi KT.
Your ex is probably curios and feels bad that he hurt you.
Don’t ask him why he ghosted you. But you can ask him why he’s reaching out all of a sudden.
Zan
Hi Zan,
I wanted to sincerely thank you for all your earnest, sincere, and thoughtful articles that you have written about break ups. I’ve been reading them non-stop and sometimes even twice as I’ve been getting over what can be described as nothing short of the worst, traumatic breakup of my life.
I have a question for you relating to this specific article and would greatly appreciate your advice. But first, I’ll provide some context (hopefully not too long).
My ex-gf were in a LTR for almost a decade starting in our early 20s and lived together for about 4 years. We broke up 6 months ago. As you can imagine, a huge part of our life and development was enmeshed. We were naturally talking about getting married, but had frequent explosive fights that would blow out of control for very trivial/normal things that most couples would argue about, with her constantly threatening to break up. Despite going to couples therapy for a year, she ended up breaking up with me very abruptly and within weeks was already in a new relationship and moved in with the guy after 3 months. The break up was also devastatingly painful: she accused me of things I didn’t do, brought up things from years ago and painted me as all bad, threatened my family, posted hurtful things on social media, and essentially turned into someone so vicious I could not even recognize. I took complete accountability and more blame than I should have for my relationship while she said she was perfect and never loved me. I have been going to individual therapy twice a week since the breakup and my psychologist / psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD – given her childhood abuse and trauma, intense idealization and devaluation, painting me all black, and other inconsistent erratic behavior. (There were also other issues of our attachment incompatibility (avoidant and anxious) and co-dependency at play).
Besides a drawn out logistical process of helping her move her things for the first few months, I went into NC for the last 3 months and just heard from her recently regarding the pandemic. No apology or accountability for her actions during or after the breakup, no recognition of how she literally threatened my family, or anything of that sort. The message was about her and how she was doing and then just wishing my family and I well.
She’s living with her new bf (who she has never mentioned to me) and based on what I have shared above, I really do NOT want to contact her, although you mentioned that it is good to be respectful and reply to your ex. I have replied to her before and I’ve been deeply hurt and rejected by her callousness.
Can you give me advice if I should not reply back? I was always holding on to hope for reconciliation one day but her intense rejection and denial of our relationship, and potentially deeper mental health issues have forced me to reassess everything?
Thank you in advance for your advice.
Best,
Jason
Looking for a bit of support or maybe reassurance that I’m making the right moves.
My ex and I broke up in October after 2 and half years of being together. We had some issues and some things I was dragging my feet on so I understood. After about a month, I reached out to let her know that while I understand we can’t be together at this time, the things she asked me to do, I took action and did them.
After about a week, she responded saying she was still in love but the time is not right for us to be together. I told her I understood and that I was in agreement (I was).
We then proceeded to be friends with a lot of mixed signals and hot and cold behavior. After about 2 weeks of this, I asked if she still sees a future for us; are we building something. She proceeded to get really angry despite me trying to defuse the situation. Her argument was that I finally took action after 2 years and expect her back after a month and change. Now I want to be clear I don’t want her back, I just wanted to discuss if she still was interested. I was doing it to soothe my anxiety; I admit that.
We decided it wasn’t best to remain friends so we went back into no contact. I broke fairly quickly and said that I was thinking of her and got the dreaded “yes me too ‘friend’”. Well that was a dagger so after about a day I responded “message received friend”.
About 3 days later she reached out to say “hi. Just wanted to say hello and I hope you are well.” I did not respond. That was 35 days ago. Now I am worried that is the reason I have not heard from her during this pandemic. I think if I responded to that we would at least be on speaking terms now. At the same time, I think if she loved me like she said she did she would be in contact. She lives in Maine and I live in NYC so it’s not the same danger for her as is it for me.
Anyway. I’m debating whether to reach out or to just continue to wait it out…
Going to answer my own question:
Today is a new day. That was how I felt yesterday in day 57 of no contact. Today, how I feel is that I didn’t leave her; she left me. I have made my feelings clear; she has sent mixed messages. I made it clear I want to build towards the future (even if I brought it up too early); she got angry and we went into round 2 of no contact. I live in NYC which is being hit the hardest by Covid 19 and she lives in Maine.
All that to say, bump that! I am a great guy! Handsome, smart, have a great career, treated her like a queen (maybe too much so), and I took action to give her everything she deserves and more which is what she said she needed. If she can turn that down for whatever reason she feels (I believe another man but she denies it. Said she been on some dates but decided she needs to focus on herself… not buying that), then I’m not the prize for her. If she wants me, let her knock on my door and knock hard cause I’m tired and may not hear any half ass attempts!
Stay strong people! I live in doubt but doubt creates fear and fear creates a heightened sense of the need to get to safety. None of us have nothing to fear. I know I am the prize and if she wants to win me so we can be each other’s prizes, she better get ready to fight and go the distance.
People, no breaks! I don’t care. Let them come to you and let it be known they are ready for a real conversation. F the games. When I reached out to her after no contact I made it clear of my intentions despite knowing we shouldn’t be together now. Let them make their damn intentions known too!
Had to reply because this one made me giggle… I am in the same situation as you, except I am in 30 days NC. I treated my ex like a king too (probably too much actually) and he left for no apparent reason other than his selfishness and lack of commitment issues. After leaving his country, getting on a plane (with my wedding dress as hand luggage may I add) I have still received no apology for his childish, passive aggressive behaviour post break up. I’m starting to come to the conclusion now just like you, that if a loyal, caring woman such as myself wasn’t good enough, then jog on and find somebody else to put up with your childish behaviour…there comes a time when you have to stop waiting for them to change their mind I guess! Good for you!
Hi
So my ex actually sent me a msg last week on snapchat but I didnt open it for 2 days on the second day he sent me a selfie on snapchat so I opened it and responded to him. Since then we have been chatting on/off as I am trying to keep it distant when we broke up he dient delete me on social media or whatsapp. He sent me another selfie of his face and outfit and I was like why is sending me selfies I’m not his girl. He even asked me advice on the virus that he could have easily found online or asked his friends, so I sent him a link on the UK advice page. He also told me to start a new conversation yday because hes tired of talking about coronovirus. But since yday he hasnt replied to me. I really dno what he wants. Appreciate your advice.
I was trying no contact with my girlfriend who i broke up with first but then she didnt want to get back together. She said she needed to work on herself and that she didnt want to have an official partner. She kept acting like we were together and eventually I just started no contact. She asked me to not go away completely and to be friends and I said we could if she stopped acting like we were together when she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She said she would try. But it just feels like we’re falling again for each other, or at least i am. I dont want me being around because she wants me to, to come in the way of us getting back together because it just eased the transition into a friendship. I do want her to grow because she used to be needy and i can tell she realized that and wants to work on some other things. But i also want us to get back together as she also expressed she wanted at some point. We are both women and as I am straight and this is my first relationship with a woman I dont actually know what to do. I want to go no contact but she keeps reaching out to me and talking to me and inviting me over and we have a great time together as friends but there are so many feelings in between. Also I thought the quarantine would be good for me to go no contact and grow myself as well but since this is a unique situation I dont know if we should stay friends now and then go no contact after the pandemic is over and our lives are back to normal or if i should start now. In the end what I want is to be able to get back together as we had an amazing, meaningful relationship before things got a little rough during some stressful times but I also want to give her time and space to grow and work on herself because I want her to achieve whatever she feels she needs. I want to go no contact so she can have space and time, myself included, but she keeps trying to have me around because I know is too painful for her for me to dissapear. I dont know how to start no contact for her to grow and also have a chance to miss me and rethink our relationship but as she asked me to be friends I wouldnt want to go no contact and have her think I really want to move on and forget about her and then she does the same just because she thinks thats what I want. We are really loving people, there are no bad feelings or mind games involved. I am a very happy person in a relationship and single too I just happened to found someone I feel is really worth it so I dont want to mess anything up. I was reading a couple of articles because a lot of them are written for like couples that have a lot of baggage and I felt it didnt apply to my situation. To summarize we are not a couple right now. I know for sure we love each other. I know for sure she thinks she needs to be alone right now, that it was not a lie to get out of the relationship. She wants me to be her friend even tho she has a lot of feelings for me and so do I. I just want to know if i should go no contact right now during quarantine or after. Or if I should stay her friend and give her space while being myself and hope for her to want to be back with me again. I can move on, but I would prefer to be with her as she is a very valuable person. There are a lot of details I left out because it is long enough with the sypnosis but thank you for any help you can give me.
Hi Zan, again another great article. I’d like some perspective on a question my friends have given me some insight on. My ex blocked me initially mind you I didn’t chase her over 5 months and she later (after the initial 5 month period) created a new profile on social media and the 1st thing she wrote was some indirect apology. I found the profile because she popped up on suggested friends. Anyway, on assumption that I popped up on her suggested friends she changed her profile picture to a random wallpaper.
My friends say she’s too proud to admit fault and would rather have me not find out about her new profile so she’s therefore stalking me. I’m just tired of what this might mean and ask your 2 cents on the likely scenario.
Regards, Daniel
Hi Daniel.
Thanks for the comment.
It means that she’s curious about you and most likely regrets hurting you. She’s a bit nostalgic as well.
If she wants you back, she’ll make a move, so don’t mind her stalking for now and keep moving on.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I recently discovered your blog and truly appreciate your firm advice regarding NC.
I was in a LDR for 4 months and my last trip to see him was on Valentine’s Day weekend. During this trip we both discovered that we had different views on marriage. On my last day, we both agreed to marinate on the info and talk further the next few days. During our follow-up talk he told me that he didn’t see this relationship progressing-ok fine I get it that he “doesn’t want to waste my time”. But, he never gave me a chance to speak from my side during this call and basically made the executive decision to end things. Throughout our time together he always voiced that he wouldn’t want to just disappear from my life if things didn’t work out because we also had a great emotional connection and friendship.
I have been in NC for about three weeks now. I also live in one of the hotspot cities with the virus. My hurt has now evolved into anger that he hasn’t reached out to see if I am okay with my health and job. I know there are fresh breakup wounds, but wouldn’t dropping me a line be the mature thing to do?? I have been keeping myself from reaching out and calling him out on his immaturity, even though he’s an established middle-aged man. It’s not that I want to get back together, but a simple note can go far during these stressful times. Thanks for letting me vent while I’m stuck in my apartment.
Tina
Hi Tina.
Your ex didn’t want to hear your part of the story because he’d already decided that the relationship wasn’t going to work for him.
As a result, he went back on his word and cut you out completely. It’s what people do. They fail to keep the promises they make when they’re happy.
It would indeed be mature of him to wish you well, but, on the other hand, it’s better for you that he’s gone. Breadcrumbs would give you false hope.
Stay strong and keep busy!
Zan
Hi
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. We keep talking sometimes and the aproach is mutual. The thing is… i still have some feelings for him (we were together for 8 years). But i know he doesnt because he already have told me that, 2 months ago (i felt like s***).
I actually feel right know that i’m entering slowly in the acceptance stage, finally! This thing about the virus, has actually helped me to focus more on myself and my friends. I was a really emotionaly dependent person on my ex, and for so long, yeah i put him on a pedestal.
Although, I think he do cares about me because we were like a team, bff actually. But sometimes he gives mixed signals… i have already told him to make not some kind of comments if he doesn´t like me. 2 days ago for example, he texted me “kisses” after a message he sent me to take care of myself in this period of time. I dont want to cut the contact completely beacause i believe we can be still friends, although i know i have to heal myself first and 100%. I believe i can do that without the NC rule because i have already accepted that we are never getting back together (and now i actually think i dont want to either). Is this possible?
update
Today he sent me a message in Whatsapp with a photo of a mug i offered him some years ago with an illustration I made, and he wrote “this illustration is just amazing”. I only text back saying “I have to keep to illustrate more. Thank you.”…
Hi Zan,
First off thank you for your website. I just got dumped this past week from a two year relationship and finding it has given me the first thing I feel like I can hold onto in this difficult situation.
We were doing long distance for a while and when she started the break up process with me I was in the unfortunate position of being at her house thinking that I would be there for the next few months as I was able to work from home due to Covid-19. However, last Wednesday she informed me that she was having doubts and through a series of conversations over the next couple of days she became more steadfast that there was no going back. On the Friday we were due to go to her parents to celebrate her birthday with her family and I was unable to leave till the Sunday. Throughout the weekend I was a mess at times as I was unable to get space from the situation and although I tried to remain strong and not say anything in front of her family, I unfortunately did some begging/promising to change/ etc whenever we were alone.
Since Sunday I’m staying on my brothers couch about an hour away, we had a call on Tuesday where she officially ended it, again I tried to plead with her. Although I’ve been a bit of a mess finding your articles have really helped and I can see a path for myself. And when I think about it during my most sober thoughts although my goal right now is to be with her in the long term as I really do love her more than anything – I don’t think either of us were who we wanted to be at times during the relationship and I feel that I need to shed some negative thought processes in order to be the person that she would need.
In the meantime though she has been contacting me by asking how I am and then continuing the conversation slightly. I have just been quiet short in my answers and wish her well to signal that I’m ending the converstation.
My question to you however is; if she contacts me again – is it okay to say something like
“Hey, although I don’t agree with your decision to end the relationship I do recognize that we both weren’t who we wanted to be at times. Because of that I think I need to use this time as an opportunity to become the man that I want to be in a relationship and in order to do that I don’t think that right now is best for us to be in contact. I really do wish you the best and I hope that one day we can discuss this as better people who are able to provide what we need to one another”
Something like that? Or is it too longwinded?
Any advice would be really appreciated!
Thanks
She actually asked me how my mum was soon after this and I wrote:
“She’s as fine as she can be, you should give her a text! Sarah, although I don’t agree with your decision to end the relationship I do recognise that weren’t who we wanted to be at times. Because of that I think I need to use this time as an opportunity to work on the detrimental thought processes on my part that led us here and become the man that I want to be in a relationship and in order to do that I don’t think that right now is best for us to be in contact, at least until we’re both in a place that we can and are willing to give each other what we need in a partner and a relationship – and I do hope that happens. Until then I really do wish you the best in absolutely everything that you do – you totally got this. I love you❤”
But she just replied with anger:
“Liam I already text your mum. First thing this morning that is what I did to wish her happy birthday. Bye”
I don’t understand what I did wrong? I thought she’d be able to see that I was doing the right thing for myself whilst trying to give her the time and space that she needs? Whats the hell?!
In my opinion she’s angry because you broke the chain of contact, that she didn’t want to happen because she would like to keep stringing you along. The message she sent you is like a ” I send the message to your Mon, that shows how good person I am”. Keep strong with your plan, a plan that should only consider your well-beeing. Thank you so much for your testemony, it really helps a lot a to see in others situation what we can’t see in ours.
Thanks Cesar, it’s nice to know that someone cares.
For anyone interested or who reads this in the future we had further contact:
Her: “Sorry for my shitty response. That’s fine Li, I’m happy as I know you are safe and well. If you could send me your mum’s address again that is all I need and you won’t need to hear from me. Thanks.”
Me: *Mums Address
Her: Thanks
Me: You too Sarah. I meant what I said with all the love, hope and desire to give you what you want that I have.
Her: Thank you I know you did but I also got some other things from it too hence my reaction but its fine. I should have never responded like I did and for that a I’m sorry. Take care Li.
I’m actually in more pain now that she seems OK with me going no contact as opposed to the anger that she showed but it is what it is. It has also reminded me that one of the qualities that I had the biggest issue with was her always thinking the worst of me and rarely giving me the benefit of the doubt. Either way I’m in a lot of pain now and I had a couple of dreams about her last night which have left emotional residue on me this morning so it’s hard. But today is Day 1 of full NC so I know that it’ll get better from here, I just need to stay strong.
Tough times. I know it sounds like BS talk, but you need to believe that is for the best, the thing you must do and that things will be better, sooner than you think. Keep busy and don’t create a routine of overthinking about her, punish or vitimize yourself. Those are my best suggestions. Keep strong and safe.
Dear Zan,
please help me. I’m in such pain, with broken heart!
I was in no contact for 6 months, with the guy I was seeing for a few years on-off. He broke up with me by text, saying that he’s in a happy relationship with someone else. I was badly hurt by this, esp.by the way he ended it all. I wished him well (by text) and started nc. In 6 months I never texted him, neither did he. Last week suddenly, I got a text, saying that he was sorry, and that he hoped I was well. I did not reply, although wanted to very much.. I still love him and miss him like crazy. Last night I got another text from him, saying that he understands why I’m not replying, and asking if I’m ok. And, you know what?- I replied to it, regretting it now!! I said in a casual way that I’m ok, and hoping he is too.. So the exchange of texts continued for about an hour. he said that he was using me, and it wasn’t fair, that,s why he stopped seeing me. I was tempted to say, how badly he hurt me, but I didn’t. So, he asked if we could meet up. I said that I do miss him a lot, him as a friend and lover, but i need to pass. I offered friendship, but he refused. I got a sense of him being sad maybe, so I offered to meet up for lunch or dinner, which I wanted to cook. He refused. God! I’m such a fool! I feel so bad now…….
Hi Ligia.
You have to help yourself by distancing yourself from the source of pain (your ex). You have to cease all contact at once and continue to heal in NC. It’s the only way for you to get over the breakup.
If he ever changes his mind about you, he will tell you. You don’t need to keep him around just in cases he realizes your worth. He’s not worth it—and neither is your health.
So stay strong and cut him off completely. Don’t let him back in again.
I wish you the best of luck.
Zan
Thank you for your reply, Zan.
It’s so hard, because now I hate myself for having been in touch with that guy, my dignity sank like Titanic, and again I made a fool of myself.. I don’t know how to move on. He actually rejected me, when I said I’d love to be his friend. I mean so little to him.., I know this. I thought, if I offer him kind words of love like for another human being, it would be better.. yet, it caused me massive pain and tears……
Hi Ligia.
The only way for you to move on is to let him go and focus on yourself.
So start to rebuild your life from scratch and soon than later, you’ll be whole again.
Best regards,
Zan
What can I say? Every trick that the mind of dumpee plays during the NC is the answer in your article. Just wow… I just wish I could find your website much easier but better later then never.
Thank you Zan
Thank you, Linda.
Stay awesome and heal from the pain of the breakup.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
We were together 12 years and he dumped me over another girl, his office colleague (1st time was Last Nov, I didn’t know that he was after that girl.. so, we back together Last Jan, then separate after 1 month. This time, I got contact from the girl that he was after her. Since he already knew that I know the whole story, he left me and approach that girl).
I am still struggling and trying to save myself these 2 months, sometimes he called me but I ignored it. when that girl asked him “why he contacted Kelly?”, his reply was.. “I don’t want her back. I called her because I want her forgiveness only”. It really hurt me, Zan, after I heard back from that girl. Then he didn’t call me anymore since that girl knew that he contacted me.
And yesterday, he sent email to me, asking me and my family to stay safe during this Covid-19 crisis.
Your advice was to respect and reply politely with his interest level and keep short. I admit that I still love him. Even though I don’t want him back, I still want him to after me over that girl. I feel really down and helpless whenever I think about them. Is it ok not to reply and ignore his email this time also? Should I totally kick him out from my life?
By the way, Zan, your blog really helps me during my struggle time. Thanks so much.
Best Regards,
Kelly
Hi Kelly.
Thank you for commenting.
If you think that ignoring him will help you heal and move on, then, by all means, do that. Don’t give him the forgiveness he’s after and cut him out of your life completely.
But if you’re feeling “okay,” and you genuinely want to wish him well, then simply reply shortly. Don’t engage in conversation, just reply and end it there.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hello!
This is the first time I’m leaving a comment, but I’ve been reading your blog for two months or so now, and they’ve been really helpful, so this is also a thank you comment!
Staying at home for so long has been kind of a curse in regards to the situation with my ex. Reading your posts has helped me keep to No Contact.
For context, we were together for almost 4 years (alltogether) and we broke up 10 months ago after a second attempt at our relationship. I waited a month and then contacted him again through texts, receiving only what I could describe as responses out of politeness. I kept at this for a few months and nothing ever changed – when he did reply, his responses were very to the point and with no attempt to continue the conversation. There was never any initiative from him either.
I came across your blog around the last time I contacted him in January and have been in no contact ever since. I’m not entirely sure how much my past actions have hurt my chances, especially considering how we’ve broken up twice now, but I’m keeping at it. I’m glad I came across your blog sooner than later, because without a doubt I would have used the virus situation as an excuse to contact him yet again, lol.
I’ve been doing the house cleaning suggestion you made above to keep myself busy, but today I decided to rest for a bit which I regret – you can guess who I spent most of my day thinking about and the struggle it was to not send that message, lmao.
I guess I mostly just want to thank you for your posts and advice, and hopefully I’ll keep on the right track!
Hi Eve.
As you know, contacting your ex won’t make him come back, but it will make you want him more. So take my blunt advice seriously and don’t ever contact him again. He clearly isn’t interested in conversing with you at this point, otherwise, he’d breadcrumb you and make excuses to converse with you.
I strongly suggest that you try to stay busy during this pandemic. Find something to do, anything that keeps you occupied throughout the day. If you do this right, the desire to contact your ex will wane. I promise.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for these guidlines. They come in handy because my ex just reached out to me by email to know how I am doing, after 3 months of NC !
If I understand you correctly, I should only respond politely to my ex and keep the conversation short.
I thought I could use this opportunity to rebuild a connection with my ex, but apparently that would not be a good idea.
What you’re saying is that as long as my ex is not expressing clearly her intention to get back together, I should keep my contact with her to a minimum even if it is her reaching out ? Is that correct ?
Thanks again for all the help that you provide to us dumpees 🙂
Hi Rick.
Since your ex reached out to you, try to figure out what her intentions are. If she breadcrumbs you and has no intention of getting back together with you, you might want to tell her not to contact you out of self-protection.
You need to keep healing and minimize emotional setbacks.
And remember, you won’t crawl back into a relationship with your ex by rebuilding the connection. Not when she doesn’t want to rebuild it. She first needs a good reason to come back. That’s why I suggest that you cut her off in a respectful way.
Kind regards,
Zan
It happened to me. She came out and contacted me after almost one year of NC that I asked and she breaked a few times. She says tha in this moment, more than others, would like to count with my friendship, support and advices. And asked me to Slowly start to talk to her again.
I was polite and evasive, but said that we could try talking and see whatever left from our friendship.
I did that because I believe I was sending a sign of weakness by denying contact for so many time.
I’ve no intention of contacting her or getting deeper in conversation. I still feel hurt, but now I feel strong enough to keep basic conversation with her. Hope I’m right.
Hi Cesar.
Keep healing and don’t engage in conversation.
Your ex will hold you back from getting well. As I said in the article, she’s poison to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
She Left Me,
So I was left on March 1st well I was at work she cleaned out my house I moved out. She moved back in with your parents telling them that I had kicked her out which was a lie. I started the indefinite no contact March 2nd and haven’t talked to her since or tried to reach out since. I’m continuing the indefinite no contact however it is difficult as it’s only been three and a half weeks since she’s left. My question is with the coronavirus pandemic do the dumpers go through the five stages quicker do do the pandemic and shelter-in-place orders. I have been blocked on social media from the get-go and I did nothing to warrant the block other than being dumped. We were together for 2 years and when she left it was two days after our two year anniversary and a week after we had gone to Vegas we were planning on getting marriedshe had a wedding dress already in the closet and I had to bring paid for I was just waiting for the right time to give it to her I never got that opportunity to. So then I guess my question is the stages a dumper goes through are those put on hold or accelerated due to the pandemic coronavirus and I have not been reached out to at all drain the coronavirus pandemic there’s also the possibility that my ex could be pregnant but I have no idea and not sure she would tell me if she was or wasn’t. So I guess I’m a little lost a situation but I am doing the indefinite no contact.
Hi Greg.
It really sucks that you had everything planned out with your ex, but you have to stick to no contact no matter what.
Your ex may or may not process the breakup faster due to Coronavirus. It really depends on her maturity, self-awareness, personal strength, and coping mechanisms.
Every person is different and your ex is too. So don’t worry about the stage she’s in because as long as she isn’t talking to you and expressing the desire to bond, she’s not of any use to you.
She’s a burden.
Stay strong, Greg.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you. This happened to me. He texted me a month before on Valentine’s Day and last Friday he reached out asking about the virus. Both times I texted back, except on Valentine’s Day I didn’t respond until the next day (and took like 30 mins bw each text to answer) and this time I responded quicker and the text convo lasted about an hour here and there talking about the virus, but each time I ended the conversation. Since then he has all of a sudden watched my ig story twice even though we don’t follow each other. I’m paying it little mind and not making much of what he says affect me bc if he really wants me he better be vocal about it, not breadcrumb shit. I had no intention of reaching out to him ever, I only respond nicely back when he does, but I don’t make him think that we can be friends bc I leave the convo first. But I should stop ending it with ttyl bc I think he might start thinking that it’s a norm to text me out the blue. So if he texts me again, I will just end the convo without a ttyl type goodbye. Lol I told him I will update him on virus problems, but I will not be hitting him up ever again unless I’m literally on my death bed. Sad he’s finding any excuse to text me. He literally told me he got sick the other day and thought he might have it. Maybe he was looking for me to care? I just told him the same generic shit about washing hands and getting tested if he has symptoms lol. He showed me a pic of himself and his new hair cut, and I did not return the favor because why. But anyways, dumped kings and queens, stay strong because it gets better! I honestly don’t care if he contacts me or not. TBH it feels better when they don’t contact you in order to stop confusion. On Valentine’s Day when he texted me I was sad for 3 days afterwards. They put you in a similar feeling to how u felt the first couple weeks if the break up, which is inherently selfish. They might not consciously know they are causing harm, but they are. The second time around I am not sad at all because I know these are just crumbs and he’s probably realizing how lonely he is and how rude he must be. He watched my story and saw I got into grad school, but did not wish me congrats lol, so you just know (even though he did say he hoped I get in a few days before). A man who wants you will do more than contact you every two months! And if he’s trying to slowly build contact with me to get me back, it’s not working In his favor because I’m caring less and less about him everyday, especially since we were long distance. If he ever gets the courage too, I will most likely reject him anyways or he would get one chance and one chance only spending months to prove himself to me. He can honestly never text me again and I will be fine. You Gus will be here sone day! My first break up and 6 months later I am fine and much better!
Hi Shant.
Thank you for the comment.
Since your ex is breadcrumbing you, I suggest that you cut him off as soon as possible. He could indeed interpret your kindness in the wrong way and keep talking to you frequently.
If he wants you back, he’s going to have to try a lot harder than that.
Kind regards,
Zan
Corona virus actually made things easier for me. I just lost my job and have better things to deal with. He didn’t contact me once since he left after 4 yrs.. it’s been 8 mths almost. I deserve so much better than that and what he did to me.
I learned he is only a good person to those he loves/likes. I’m off that list and he’s an idiot.
Hi Chelsea.
We meet people’s real personalities when they no longer need us. I’m sorry it took your ex 4 years to reveal his colors to you.
Now you can find someone better.
Best regards,
Zan
It’s been 3 months since the last time we spoke, after our 3rd date and trying to give a second go. It was a LDR when we started and lasted for 3 months. It was a good relationship, based on love, trust and caring. In think, in the end, it was my insecurities that made her go away, both times.
Still, I’m considering send her just a polite message, because I still care about her, but I’m not seeking the drug you talk about anymore. I’m reaching a point where I’m just starting to don’t care anymore. Whether she replies or not, out of politeness or not, I think it’s just important to send positive wishes.
But I would also like to hear anyone’s opinions, toughts or experiences first. Thanks! 🙂
Hi She’sgone.
Since your relationship didn’t last very long, you can consider sending your ex your wishes. Just keep your expectations low and everything will turn out fine. 👍
Kind regards,
Zan