Breakups are painful. Everybody knows that.
One day you’re in a relationship and everything seems to be going well, and the next moment you get broken up with.
Romantic relationships always come to an abrupt stop, appearing out of nowhere. They are so unpredictable, they cause extreme shock and unbelievable anxiety to the dumpee.
Everybody processes the breakup differently, so don’t assume you will be over your ex by a certain date. Just how dumpers go through their own stages, dumpees grieve the loss of the relationship as well.
Getting abandoned by your partner is similar to losing a person you care for. The only difference is that you’re not just mourning the loss of a person, but the relationship and your future as well.
If this is your first time going through a breakup, then the pain might even be that much more severe. Humans learn the most from experiences that involve extreme stress.
The first breakup can actually be a good thing because we not only get to learn valuable relationship lessons but also how to deal with anxiety and grief.
If you truly try to learn from your breakup, you will undoubtedly apply your lessons in life and your next relationship.
It’s very important to pay attention to relationship killers whilst you are in a relationship, even though it’s incredibly hard.
Once you are no longer in a romantic relationship, you will without a doubt have the time, as well as undivided dedication to rewire your bad behavioral patterns.
Breakups are a valuable lesson
By now, you are probably tired of hearing “it happened for a reason.”
Obviously, something went wrong which brought upon the separation. Whether you were dumped cold-hearted, ghosted, left for someone else, or your ex-girlfriend got abducted by aliens, there was indeed a reason.
Maybe your ex-girlfriend got tired of arguing or perhaps she didn’t have enough time to focus on her work and studies.
It could be she felt suffocated in the relationship because she couldn’t return the amount of love and attention you provided to her.
Whatever the case, time in indefinite no-contact will allow you to do your research and find out where you and
You will learn more about your ex-girlfriend’s attachment style, GIGS, if she’s in a rebound relationship, what she’s thinking and feeling in NC, and much more.
Your obsession with getting your ex-girlfriend back is going to change you drastically.
The quest to become the best version of yourself will make you into a better person and teach you a lesson or two about your past mistakes.
You will learn that there are always ways to improve and that you should never stop evolving.
Breakups are valuable lessons because there’s always something to learn from them.
The moral of the separation could be to respect ourselves more than our partner and to have our own separate lives. Breakups can also teach us how to spot infidelities, lying and any sort of cheating.
They tell us what to tolerate and when to try harder. There’s no end to things to discover and improve upon, as long as we choose to.
I know you’d rather not go through heartbreak again because it hurts and your whole world comes crashing down on you. I get it, it truly sucks.
Fortunately, there’s a small glimmer of a silver lining to everything negative.
Breakups are no exception. As gut-wrenching as the separation makes you feel, try to convince yourself it had to happen for your wellbeing, as well as your ex-girlfriend’s.
Ex-girlfriend? More like ex-devil
The unpleasant grief after the breakup, makes us believe unimaginable things. It’s possible your ex-girlfriend hurt you badly by leaving you stranded to fend off for yourself.
It could be you saw a very ugly side to her that you never expected to see. She was probably loving and caring in your relationship until you two broke up. In a matter of seconds, she transformed from her angelic form into a demon, and her words and actions stung deeply into your heart.
Now that she no longer has romantic feelings for you, you ruminate how she managed to change so quickly. She became completely unrecognizable to you and your friends, so you can’t help but wonder what kind of evil spirit possessed her.
Dale Carnegie
When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.
Now is probably the time you ask yourself whether you truly love your ex for the person she is and if you ever want to get back together with her.
Getting back together with your ex means you would experience the same difficulties, issues and behavioral patterns you were going through prior to the breakup.
Since you are presumably in a lot of pain, you likely don’t care about the person she is, and just want to get your ex back.
She could be the worst person on the planet who treats you horribly every day, and you would still want her back. You sincerely believe she will mend your broken heart and give your life the spark it lacks.
The truth is that she doesn’t want to make you feel any better or get back with you right now, so you have no choice but to get over the breakup.
She’s the one and only!
Even if I tell you that your ex-girlfriend isn’t the best match for you, you would likely ignore my warning and insist that she is because of the way she “made you feel.” You will say you had the chemistry, the connection, the love and sex like never before. I get that. I really do.
That doesn’t, however, mean she is the only person you can experience such bliss with.
No, far from that! There are millions and millions of other girls and women out there who will be better than your ex-girlfriend. They will be better equipped, smarter, funnier, emotionally stable, have high moral standards and acceptable self-esteem.
Right now, you are in denial and grief, so you refuse to acknowledge this. Hurt ego and fear of abandonment certainly aren’t making this matter any better.
If you give it some time, things will become much clearer. Soon, you will be able to see (I hate saying this cliché) that there are
Staying in no-contact after the breakup won’t be easy. You are expected to have ups and downs on your path to recovery.
The only words of wisdom I can give you is to persevere. Try your hardest when you feel extremely down, and I guarantee you will recover from the breakup as a stronger individual.
Friedrich Nietzsche
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
You will develop a new appreciation for life, as well as for the people and things that surround you. Suddenly, new possibilities will arise seemingly out of nowhere and your general view on life will broaden.
No longer will little problems concern you as you will prioritize people that appreciate you. You will discover both the ugliness and the beauty of life and learn to pay attention only to that which serves you in a positive light.
The breakup will aid you in putting yourself first and those you love. By those who love you, I am referring to those who truly appreciate you for being in their lives.
With the split of the relationship, often comes a split in personality and interests for both you and your ex. The two of you will now go completely separate ways by finding your own activities, hobbies, and friends.
People change slowly, so your ex-girlfriend is going to change based on people and circumstances in her life.
She will drift apart from you and develop some new personality traits, such as a new sense of humor, openness, extraversion/introversion, confidence, impulsiveness, and so on.
Eventually, she will develop into somebody you don’t know. Her core values and beliefs won’t change that much as it takes a conscious effort to change something so deep-rooted.
Personality traits and values
Below is a table of some personality traits and values. See which positives and negatives your ex currently possesses.
| PERSONALITY TRAITS | PERSONALITY VALUES | ||
| POSITIVE | NEGATIVE | POSITIVE | NEGATIVE |
| Adventurous | Arrogant | Sincerity | Pessimism |
| Helpful | Quarrelsome | Kindness | Greed |
| Humble | Sarcastic | Patience | Narcissism |
| Independent | Self-centered | Faithfulness | Selfishness |
| Confident | Unfriendly | Fairness | Competitiveness |
| Conscientious | Lazy | Determination | Unforgiveness |
| Meticulous | Judgmental | Optimism | Negativity |
| Dependable | Malicious | Spirituality | Pettiness |
| Discreet | Sullen | Awareness | Ambitionless |
| Optimistic | Dishonest | Tolerance | Impulsiveness |
| Encouraging | Thoughtless | Persistence | Lying |
| Exuberant | Vulgar | Loving | Deceit |
| Sociable | Stingy | Generosity | Impatience |
| Fearless | Bossy | Cooperation | Disorganized |
| Trusting | Rude | Loyalty | Unthoughtfulness |
Type your ex’s attributes
Positive traits and values:Negative traits and values:
Now that you’ve got a list of what you like and dislike, I’d like you to analyze your ex’s personality. See if positives outweigh the negatives. Be honest.
Type your traits and values
Positive traits and values:Negative traits and values:
Compare your traits and values to your ex and discern whether you were a good match. You might be surprised to find that you don’t share the same qualities as your ex-girlfriend.
Are you dependable and humble, and your ex is unreliable and self-centered? Study compatibilities and incompatibilities and you will soon have a clear picture of your relationship with this person.
Not only will you find her flaws and shortcomings, but also new objectives to work on while you’re in no-contact. It’s truly a win-win situation.
It’s not the end of the world
Just because your girlfriend broke up with you doesn’t mean she was better or more right than you. It’s a huge misconception to believe that those who get broken up with are more at fault than the ones doing the ugly deed.
Your girlfriend broke up with you because of what she was feeling. She felt she would be better off on her own or with someone else. She separated herself from you for one purpose – to protect herself.
You can’t blame her for wanting to be happy even if she dropped you cold like ice. You may have plenty of reasons to say and do vindictive things. Instead, feel sorry for what she’s going through and wish her farewell.
You deserve very little credit for being what you are – and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them.
Dale Carnegie
If you choose to keep your dignity and self-respect, time will come when you realize what your ex has lost. She lost you – a person of high value and incredible talent.
You are so beautiful and unique – inside-out, and your ex is the one who failed to realize that. My friend, she doesn’t deserve a second of your time for you to try and change her opinion about your amazing qualities.
By turning your back on your ex-girlfriend, you will show her that you are not concerned about what she thinks. Walk so far away to distant lands, she will start looking for you and your reasons for leaving her alone.
Forgive and forget
Your ex is no queen. She is no princess either. What she is, is merely another person who underestimated your abilities.
She isn’t the first to make that mistake and she won’t be the last to undervalue your true worth. As Dale Carnegie says, instead of condemning her, pity her for missing out on you and pay absolutely no attention to her.
All your ex-girlfriend did, was provide you with an opportunity to meet someone much more appreciative of your outstanding characteristics.
How can you be angry at her for that? Thank her for giving you the chance to grow tremendously from this awful experience, despite the overwhelming anxiety.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
You’ve learned what you could from the mistakes on your end, and you will never repeat them again. You suffered greatly because your girlfriend went astray. She broke your heart into tiny pieces and stomped on them, too.
All I ask of you is to not repress yourself emotionally from new love opportunities. The person your ex was, your next partner likely won’t be.
There’s absolutely no reason to live in fear, hoping history won’t repeat itself. Chances of the same events recurring are actually higher when you focus hard on trying to control it.
The most powerful states to be in are; acceptance, forgiveness, and openness. Once you are ready to love again, everything else will fall in place on its own.
Avoid stress at all cost!
As human beings, we spend way too much time worrying about people and events that we have no control over.
The more importance you put on your ex or anything in life, the more anxious you will become towards it. Stress is undeniably a huge deteriorator to our mental, as well as physical health.
It’s important to put ourselves first and identify our stressors so that we can eliminate them swiftly.
In the book called How to stop worrying and start living, Dale Carnegie lists 6 ways to break the worry habit before it breaks you:
- Crowd
worry out of your mind by keeping busy. Plenty of action is one of the best therapies ever devised for curing “wibber gibbers.” - Don’t fuss about trifles. Don’t permit little things – the mere termites of life to ruin your happiness.
- Use the law of averages to outlaw your worries. Ask yourself: “What are the odds against this thing’s happening at all?”
- Co-operate with the inevitable. If you know a circumstance is beyond your power to change or revise, say to yourself: “It is so; it cannot be otherwise.”
- Put a “stop-loss” order on your worries. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth and refuse to give it any more.
- Let the past bury its dead. Don’t saw sawdust.
It is of vital importance to follow each and every one of these principles. You have everything you need to live a happy life. All you need is a guide and the knowledge to prioritize that which matters – your health.
Your wellbeing is no laughing matter. If your ex-girlfriend is mocking and belittling you beyond belief, that’s her future problem to worry about.
She is digging her own grave full of bad karma to lay in. When time catches up with her, she is going to wish she could just lay and rest in her grave, without the negative stigma.
Your life is way too precious to waste on someone who does not appreciate your efforts.
Needless to say, you only live once, and I sincerely hope you get your enthusiasm back and recover as soon as possible. I want you to be happy and feel amazing about who you are.
And if one day, you can laugh at your stupidity for feeling the way you do today, then you will make my day.
Sing like no one’s listening, love
Mark Twainlike you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching and live like it’s heaven on Earth.
Live with purpose and live with passion. These two guidelines are your key components to contentedness.
Make sure to follow them on a daily basis. I’d like you to come back to this site months or years from now and tell me about everything you were able to learn and achieve on your journey.
Hearing, “My girlfriend broke up with me and I’m happy” is more than enough for me. Dear reader, I look forward to hearing from you soon!
I kindly ask you to leave a comment below. Tell us what you’re thinking and feeling now that your ex broke up with you.
Hey Zan,
I’ve been reading and rereading your posts quite a bit since my ex gf broke up with me 3 months ago and they’ve really been helping. It has been a living hell at times, especially the first month and a half (which seemed to last more like a year, as time appeared to slow down). Grieving and accepting the loss was a very important step for me during this time. Plus, I started going to therapy for the first time in my life. Running has been a big part of my life for the past couple of years, so added on light weight training, yoga and totally cleaned up my diet during this time. I also made a point of going to the park at least 3 times a week just to escape the gridlock of the city. And I consumed content like yours and a few other coaches that preach the indefinite no contact rule. Out of everything, the content like yours has helped me the most so far. I still felt sick and utterly alone for the first month and a half, but with purpose. That purpose was that I am going make it through this and be a stronger better version of myself bc of it. I’ve been in NC the whole time, and she eventually reached out last month. I couldn’t have been more shocked when she did. It was a cold text saying that she had some of my stuff and I had some of hers and she wandering if we could meet up sometime. We eventually met up later that day to exchange our stuff and to say she was shocked when she saw me is a total understatement. I had lost weight, toned up and grown a beard. She kept freaking out how different I looked, was really impressed that I had quit drinking (was a big problem for me) and I seemed at peace. It felt good to get that reaction, especially after all of the pain I had been going through. I also didn’t talk about the breakup, how much pain I had gone through. I just talked about her and what was going on in her life. We went for a walk through a park we used to go to all of the time and eventually ended up hanging out for three hrs. We didn’t get back together, but it really felt good to see her that I was loving my life after her I totally devastating me. After that encounter, I am still in no contact. I still miss her and still am hurting, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was for those first two months. Some days go by and I barely think of her, others can still be brutal. But I’m more angry than depressed now, which I think is a good thing. All of this time has given me perspective that although I miss her, I don’t want her back. We were both incompatible for each other wanted different things. I haven’t started dating again yet, but have been going out with friends more consistently and working on myself quite a bit through fitness, nutrition and social skills. I’m very grateful to you and all of your posts, they’ve been extremely helpful and comforting especially at the lowest moments.
Thank you so much, I feel much better.
man, i’ve read lots of your post and they help like hell when my ex-gf dumped me, thank you a lot
Hi Zan, posted something here on some other topics about my break up (august ’18) and being in no contact (since december) after being ignored. Still in no contact and things feel good, she asked a mutual friend about me few weeks back and my friend made me and my life look very good ;). I really changed for the better tbh, lost lots of weight and going for a marathon. She wasnt very happy with her own life for the last months.
Now I heard she got a dog for her birthday a few days ago (i sticked to NC ofcourse) something shes been dreaming about for the last 20 years. I don’t think anything will make her more happy in this world.
Do you think this will affect her reaching out? What is your point of view on this situation?!
Still sticking to the NC plan and love your posts!!
Hi Jimmy.
It’s good to hear you’re doing so much better.
Her getting a dog doesn’t change much. It’s merely something she’s been meaning to do for a long time. It won’t make her reach out unless she’s had enough time to process the break-up and says something like “I finally got a dog!!”
She could use it as an excuse to break the ice and pretend everything is nice. That said, don’t put your hopes up as she likely isn’t ready.
Keep u the NC!
Zan