Have you ever wondered why you felt so inclined to want to be with your ex? Your brain probably convinced you that you absolutely had to be with this person and that you need him or her to be happy.
I want you to take your rose-tinted glasses off for a minute and really engage your brain in this article. Throughout the article, I am going to make examples and ask you questions about your ex.
Every time the result is negative, add +1 point to your counter. There are 7 points in total.
So when you’ve finished reading everything, count all the points and post your final result in the comments section.
I know this may sound confusing right now. But just read this post and it will all make sense in a minute.
If you can’t stop obsessing over your ex and you don’t why, this is the article for you.
Do I really love my ex or is there more to it?
This isn’t something I can answer for you, but rest assured that you will be able to come to a conclusion once you read through the article.
Allow me to explain why you feel confused about your feelings and why you find it hard to move on.
Although it’s more complicated than that, imagine your brain having two hemispheres. Rational and emotional. The left hemisphere is there to process logic and reasoning, whilst the right hemisphere is in charge of your emotions and imagination.
Between the who hemispheres holding them together is a white structure called corpus callosum. Silly name aside, it serves as a communication channel, conveying the information from the left side of the brain to the right, and vise-versa.
I’m telling you this, because the two sides are in constant communication, deciding what is best for you.
Although the two sides are constantly fighting for what is best for you, it seems as if the emotional side is overriding the power of rational thinking.
If we bring the law of attraction into this concept and go back to the very creation of thought, we realize that without thought, there is no emotion.
Emotions may appear impulsive and spontaneous, but there is a good reason for that. Because you have spent months and months thinking about your ex, and investing your time and feelings into him or her, you have created powerful emotions that have remained hidden underneath the surface.
You never knew those emotions were always there prior to the breakup until you had to find out the hard way.
Nostalgia
If you are suffering as a result of a breakup, and you can’t help feeling miserable—nostalgia is partly to be blamed for that.
The left side of the brain is making a logical decision to move on and to forget about your ex while the right side is stuck in the past, reliving the emotions from the time your ex made you feel secure.
Because emotions are much more powerful, they easily overcome new-made thoughts and decisions and make you miss your ex.
We know love can’t exist mainly in the past when you had felt content because things were working out. You and your ex may have spent a lot of time together and you might believe everything was like out of the movie, but love is a combination of then and now.
It wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t working out then and it can’t exist now if it’s not there.
The truth is that the old days are turning your attention away from what truly matters – here and now. The present is the reality and the past is merely an infatuated time when the relationship seemed functional.
So if your ex made you feel bad towards the end of the relationship and after the end of the relationship with malevolent words or actions, add +1 point to your imaginary counter.
Be really honest with yourself. Did he or she treat you like a second class citizen, completely stripping you off significance and value as if you never did anything positive for the relationship? If so, count that point.
Investment
Have you ever heard that people who invest in their lives, yield better results for themselves?
Whilst this may be true when it comes to yourself, I can’t say it works the same way for your significant other.
Here’s are a few questions from me to you.
In the relationship with your ex, did you find yourself investing more without getting much back in return? Were you the giver and your ex the taker? Have you spent a lot of your time making sure he or she was happy by sacrificing your own well-being for this person?
Breakups are so much more painful for the dumpee when he or she enters a relationship and invests greatly in his or her partner. Even though it’s wrong to make your partner a priority and treat him or her as if the two of you share the same identity, your partner will probably like it at first.
The problem is that the longer this continues, the more used your partner gets to being in the center of attention. And when he or she gets tired of being spoiled and pampered, it makes it very easy for him or her to leave the relationship.
Because the dumpee usually spends weeks or months increasing his or her partner’s ego, the dumper feels like he or she can do better and detaches from the relationship.
And that’s when the breakup ensues.
I’m not saying investing in your partner is bad. Not at all. Overinvesting more than what you should give, is.
But how do you know how much to give?
Simple. You give the same as your partner. That means you work as hard, love as hard, give as much attention, pay as much, fix the relationship issues as hard, everything the relationship consists of you do as hard as your partner.
It’s natural to think that you must invest more when your partner doesn’t give back as much as you give in.
But unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
You must give less, for him or her to give more.
So the best way for you to receive more is to pull back and let your partner realize that you aren’t going to sacrifice yourself for his or her sake.
I am not suggesting you play some silly power game, and stop caring completely. Instead, simply stop investing more than your partner and let him or her balance it out by contributing more.
If you’ve done that and even spoke to your partner in a calm, collected manner and he still hasn’t done anything to change his or her way—it’s a clear sign that you aren’t meant for each other. Your partner can’t satisfy you emotionally as long as he or she isn’t willing to put his or her best foot forward.
So if you were the one who invested more into your partner in various ways and he or she refused to or just didn’t give as much back, add +1 to the point counter.
Healing
If you consider the points we’ve talked about so far – nostalgia and investment and ask yourself why you feel so pulled towards your ex—you should have an answer.
You are running after him or her because you feel like you’ve given it your all or want to give it your all but your ex refuses to give you another chance.
Because of your hurt self-esteem, you want to feel validated and deemed as important. You feel as if this person can make you whole again just by receiving some love and attention.
So if you feel the need to be with your ex because you want to feel better and not necessarily because you think this person is the best for you, add +1. Be honest, no cheating!
Chasing
Our brain is biologically wired so that we always want to improve and grow in many ways.
We always strive for something that is out of our reach, but not unobtainable. When we are absolutely convinced we want something, that want turns into a need.
This, of course, is a big uh-oh. Since you now “need” something (your ex), you become absolutely dependent on it.
That’s why our exes are like an addiction because they make as feel as if the only way to ease our anxiety is to reconcile.
As a result of a breakup, our ex automatically becomes the remedy to our problem like some sort of a pain-killer. He or she becomes the one and only source of relief—so we instinctually begin to chase after our pain relief.
The agony from the breakup drives us absolutely insane, so we end up doing anything to make it stop. This includes begging, apologizing, and often even vengeful deeds.
Do you feel addicted to your ex because reconciliation seems so close, but not unobtainable? Do you want him or her back even though your ex wants to run for the mountains? Add +1 to your counter.
Value
This is the time you think deep and hard about the value your ex provided on a daily basis. Was your ex a thoughtful and loving person? Did he or she put others’ needs before his or her and showed appreciation for the things he or she received?
Did your ex live to make your life better and contribute to the greater good? Was your ex a loving parent and a caring individual?
In the relationship (not just at the beginning), did your ex make you feel like you were the top of his/her world by expressing gratitude regularly?
When you were dating your ex, did this person have his or her priorities straight until the end? Has he or she made you feel significant and done the things for you with the intention to contribute to your life?
If your ex failed to give you what you deserve and instead focused mainly on himself or herself and his or her own well-being, add +1.
Personality
This is the part that everyone says matters the most. I don’t want to put more salt on your wound but try to go back in time and consider your ex’s strong and weak points.
Think about your ex’s personality and discern whether his or her personality was truly amazing and unique. This includes your ex’s positivity, gratitude, friendliness, temperament, starting and solving conflicts, etc.
Did you like your ex’s introvert/extrovert nature, openness, willingness to change, frugality, reckless behavior, supportive nature? The list goes on and on so think deeply.
This is your time to be creative so make a list of positives and negatives.
And if you don’t like half the things from your list that form your ex’s personality, add +1 point.
Bad habits
This one also requires you to look into the past and dig up all the things your ex did to annoy you.
Was he or she doing something that you really didn’t like? Was your ex a smoker, drinker, drug abuser, gambler? While you were dating your ex, did he or she blatantly flirt with other people or put you down?
Did your ex make fun of your appearance, the way you dress, walk, cook? Did he or she pick his or her nose, refused to shower, bite the nails?
Was he or she a procrastinator, lazy, always late, obsessed with junk food and social media? Did your ex tell your secrets, eavesdrop, gossip or even leave the toilet seat up?
Think about your ex’s good and bad habits. Were you completely happy with the things he or she was saying or doing throughout the relationship? +1 if you weren’t as happy as a clam.
Still wondering, “Do I really love my ex?” Count your points, see whether you love your ex and leave a comment to compare points with other dumpees. And if you were the dumper, make sure to mention that as well.
Final score 2
I had a chemical dependence hidden from my ex for a significant amount of time during our relationship which we discussed on a call, when that period is scrubbed out it yields a score of 2 (Amazing).
Things progressively changed after I came clean, no pun intended. If I include the entire time of our relationship, the score becomes a 4 (Okay). She was understanding of the situation but not particularly patient with me, becoming quite a stinker toward the end and during the breakup. I don’t blame her for that and want her back very much.
Overall, I feel the test components quantify love accurately and frame it visually for my neanderthal male brain. This was very helpful, thank you Zan!
Josh P
Hi Josh.
I’m glad the post helped you evaluate your love and dependence on your ex. Make sure to work on detaching from your ex and loving yourself. You need to get yourself back before you can be with your ex or anyone else.
Sincerely,
Zan
I scored a 1, as honestly as I possibly could answer the questions. It was an amazing 2 year experience with so much love and respect. But her desire to be free for the first time in her life trumped our relationship since I represented a metaphorical boat anchor (tied to my location, children, etc.). She moved away chasing her dreams (nobody else involved, just wanting to be herself sort of thing). I was crushed but your insight has eased my pain immensely! Thank you, Zan!
Hey,
I want to thank you for this blog. I discovered it in the worst moments the first week after the break up. I was blindsided/left for someone else.
I didn’t see it coming, I thought we were both really in love. We were together for 4 years.
I know he must have felt things for awhile and didn’t explain. He literally was so beautiful with me just until the moment he broke up with me. It was a Terrible shock.
I am obsessed with what really was going on inside of him and still in panic, although it has gotten easier, about why he wasn’t honest with me. Why he wore such a sweet and tender mask.
I went no contact thanks to you. I have urges to ask him questions. I also have terrible desires of revenge.
I started to see a shrink right away, because I don’t want to stay traumatized.
It has already been 2 months.
We had a long distance relationship so I am luckily not forced to confront him or his new love.
I got a 5 on the list. What do I do with that? Why must I still agonize over the dishonesty. Why can’t I just move on.
I’m at a point in my life where things are going really well otherwise. I feel strong most of the time, but when the darkness comes my heart still hurts. I have a problem with accepting that he was actually capable to lie, or that he isn’t what I thought he was. Or was he both?
Thank you for being there for all of us who have torn hearts.
It is so helpful.
Molly in France
I just got broken up with, and I feel the exact same way
Living together 10 years, married 5 years, now i’m dumpee effectively since January -20, She (dumper) moved out at the start of June -20.
Now NC bit over two weeks, but based on my behavior in last 2-3 years thinking about if i should instead take on Full Contact after reading article about when NC doesn’t work. Now reading this article i started thinking it over again based solely on Investment chapter as it’s clear that She didn’t much invest in our relationship after first 2-4 years. It’s what actually got me taking distance in our relationship, bad move but i’ll learn from that.
Point, or lovewise i got what i outright feared, just 2 points. Not sure should i be happy or depressed, but i choose to cherish that i got another confirmation of my love.
Hi Zan,
I am a regular reader of your blog; I always have a tab open, and even bookmarked a lot of my favorite articles! You have helped me recover from my anxieties whenever I get the triggers. Sometimes, I would even read the same article over and over just to give myself a huge punch in the face- woke myself up, to be honest.
Anyway, for the last few months that I’ve been a regular visitor of your site, I am very surprised to have just read this article now.. what does the score mean? I got a 5 (could be 6, I’m just not completely sure). Does it mean I really love him but I’m just really stupid? I’m confused.
Hi B.
Thank you for reading.
Your score could indicate that you’re still incredibly heartbroken and oblivious to the truth. Or perhaps that you actually love your ex as he is. Only time will tell, so continue getting over him.
Kind regards,
Zan
My score is actually a really honest 2 and I agree my ex is amazing and I guess I am unfortunately the dumper 😥 The distance and us both having children (me full time as kids dad only really sees them on each of their birthdays and him shared care with his ex wife, 2 days 1 week and 4 the other) with so many commitments (my daughter does a lot of sport and got selected to be in a competition dance team which took dance from 1 to 4 days a week on top of likes of netball, touch etc) made it very difficult to spend the time together needed to progress the relationship and at my children’s ages (13 and 11) they want to spend free time with their friends, so was becoming more and more of a battle getting them to go to his place to keep travel fair, other hurdles such as I have homestays which helps me financially but when I have them I can’t go to him because not enough rooms etc and he feels like he would become resentful if all travel fell on him plus he travels away for work weeks at a time which gives him extra income so it just became too stressful to continue as his life and friends etc are in his hometown as are mine. I have been doing the solo mum life for so many years that I just am ready to settle so got frustrated after 16 months that the relationship was not progressing into more than a weekend boyfriend and couldn’t see a way forward. It totally sucks though!! So many conversations over the last probably 4-6 months where I brought it up saying i don’t want to be wasting my time but then everything pushed under the carpet with no plan, direction or resolution so had to make the hard call and we are both utterly heartbroken. He has said it’s probably best if we don’t contact each other for a while at least and that it might be too hard to stay friends. I feel that if all these obstacles weren’t in the way then we were on to a really great thing and have so many different thoughts and emotions running through me.
Hey Zan! Tony here again,
I got a 5 here (and I think i cheated a bit probably 6),
The problem is that as a person i feel like she would score me a high score also.. i feel like i made her the way she was because i made alot of mistakes also due to cannabis addiction problems The break up made me realise this Tho.. broke the addiction the same day we broke up. And already 70 days clean now. You told me in a previous reply you would give somebody who told you they broke up with someone because of cannabis a confused look. Though i feel like the addiction caused me alot of unneeded stress and a cut in my otherwise high emotional intelligence.
Not being emotionally available for her.
So i experience alot of guilt also. Though i told her i would get professional help to fix the issue. I also said we should go in therapy together but she refused.
She did not want to put anymore work in me as she told me so much in the past i should quit.
As i mentioned before she did also state being 17 since the start of the relationship and she wanted to go her own way. And she thinks she can do better than the cannabis addicted boyfriend (me). Also blamed me for taking away her youth.
Yet weeks after the breakup i hear from her mom that i’m a good person but she just feels like friendship. She also went crying to my grandma and she stated she had wrong Parts also in the relationship. Though on the last walk we had (which was in the same week as the talk with my grandma) she did not mention any of this. Only mentioned how great her single life was as you might recall out of my first reaction some time ago.
Thank you for your time reading this.
Kind regards!
Tony
Hey Tony. Thanks for taking the self-evaluation test. 5 is a pretty high number.
I understand that weed addiction can be an issue. Only you know how much it interfered with your life and your relationship.
I still think the issue is beyond cannabis. She blames you for taking away her time when she could be doing other things. Again, you would know what she’s missing out on as you know her better. If she didn’t like this one habit of yours, she wouldn’t feel so relieved post-break-up. It’s not like she feels free because you emotionally abused her or didn’t appreciate her, but rather because she wanted to be single/with someone else.
When she tells you how great life is without you, it shows you she lost respect for you. It’s such a self-centered thing to say, you should really be thanking her for showing you her true colors.
Zan
Zan,
I figured that out right after the talk/walk also.
That’s why i am into indefinite NC now.
She has been like that throughout the whole relationship, very self centered and so i grew used to hear her saying stuff like this.
But yes i have been in a struggle with my cannabis use .. i did feel like on my part i could’ve brought the relationship to a higher level if i would not have done this as frequent.
I just don’t get it how i can not get over her.
While i really Know she has low empathy and she would fail any emotional intelligence test.
In the talks i had with her mom her mom stated the exact same thing , she (my ex) has alot of her father so her mom would empathise the things i said.
She (her mom) even said stuff like that you (me) are the best option for my daughter i am very sure but my daughter is not the best option for you.
Yet i seem to just want her back even more this way..
I think the indefenite NC Will open my eyes but it Will take time. So much i am sure off.
I really wonder about the dog sharing part tho! I feel like a dick not wanting to put the dog there, they (her mom, dad and my ex) loved and cared for this dog as a child, but it was something that was always clearly communicated, that if we broke up, i would keep the dog.
What would you suggest about the dog? I’m really itchy about this question, driving myself insane. I can stay in NC with my ex Meanwhile but would have to stay in touch with her mom for this.
Would this increase any chance of reconcilliation? Her mother and father as like her entire family would love to see us reconcile, this is something which makes it very hard for me because they really became like my own family in this 7year relationship.
Anyways thank you for the time you are Putting into reading and answering my questions! I really appreciate it and feel like you got things on the right end.
Kind regards,
Tony
Hey Tony.
You’re spot on about the indefinite no-contact part. You can’t go wrong by following it.
Here’s what you can do about the dog without ruining your chances. Communicate with her parents regarding the dog only and ask them if they wish to continue taking care of it. If they agree, simply do what you must. Just make sure you don’t talk about your ex to them. If they open the topic themselves, tell them the break-up happened for a good reason and that you are moving on. After that, change the topic. This seems like the best option for you to stay in touch with them and share the dog.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan
Ok in response to your case eg. Ok my question is well was the dumper then wrong for dumping his gf? I means surely if she disrespected and disregarded his (your) requests she has also not done right – coz he’s allowed to request she doesn’t hang out with her guy friend – perhaps as a couple you should have a better way of discussing this as opposed to arguing.
I mean if I kept telling you my partner was disrespectful of my needs and my feelings – you would say we should move on (kind of now when the dumper treats us like kr** and you saying we should see that as a reflection of who they are now to us) and someone like that isn’t worth fighting over? So what’s so different with the dumper scenario above? Clearly he’s hurt his gf keeps ignoring him?
Or is your point the fact that the dude dumps his partner wout really trying to resolve the real issue that is affecting him truly – for eg why does he feel insecure when she talks to a dude? Is that your point? (Ie is it really her or is it his attachment style or why his core fear of feeling insecure being triggered when she talks to a guy and why when she reassures him it doesn’t work for him?)
So it’s easy for him to dump her and blame her rather than ask why is he feeling such way? And in the end while it’s easy for him to go find a new gf unless he deals with that ‘insecurity’ he will be all nice at the start but eventually that same insecurity will keep resurfacing for him until he is forced to deal with it?
Have I understood your point correctly ? I think I get it tho I believe she too should she also tried to make an effort as to why her behavior was triggering him. But again that’s a side story to the main point here😊
Heya.
Whether the dumper was right for letting her go is not for me to say. He let her go based on having other options, arguing, not listening to his ultimatums and requests, etc. He felt like the girl wasn’t right for him because she made him feel extremely angry and jealous. The girl just liked the attention or company from her best male friend, so she refused to let him go. Neither of them is neither right or wrong. They both have the right to express themselves, and this is what the relationship lacked. The ability to convey your wants and needs, without upsetting the other partner. They needed to communicate effectively by actively listening to each other to solve an argument. Compromising efficiently is what most couples lack, because they let emotions get in their way of reasoning.
If your partner is disrespectful often, and is aware of that, I would never suggest you to move on. You suggested couples’ counseling to him when you were still with him. The main purpose of this is to work on communication, so you can better express yourself when you come to a disagreement or before an argument arises. In my opinion, before this takes place, couples should exercise self-control, so they can act rationally in the heat of the moment. In my example, the couple could have worked on finding the middle ground. Girlfriend should have made him feel loved, respected and validated, by showing him she loves him, while the guy should have let her have more freedom, and allow her to talk to her friend in a strictly friendly manner only. Ruby, we both know that there is so much a person can do, as long as he is willing to try.
The dumper has to realize why he feels the way he does, and what can he do today to prevent it. His way of restricting his partner was wrong, as she has the right to talk to whomever she wants to. If dumper doesn’t deal with his insecure behaviours, they are going to carry over onto the next relationship.
Yes that’s right! Nobody ever asks himself this important question. Why on earth am I feeling this way, and is there anything I can do to prevent my impulsive actions from happening? You can give it a go with this question whenever you feel any strong emotion getting in your way. Just this one question has helped me keep my emotions under control. I encourage you to give it a try too. If it’s depression you’re battling, put a lot of emotions in it. Clench your fists and put in all the energy you’ve got.
You understood me correctly. I also think that her understanding his needs is very very important too! It’s a big part of the break-up, as it goes both ways. Both partners need to be willing to sacrifice a little bit of themselves for the other person. Without trust, there is no functional relationship. So if you consider your example on this basis, you will notice that you as the dumpee weren’t happy and wanted your ex to give some sort of reassurance in return. Because he didn’t or wasn’t willing to compromise, it caused a huge issue, so it led to the break-up.
Zan
Thanks Zan – your response is well noted. You right both could have reached middle ground – he should have expressed his fears to her and she should have shown him he is loved and validated him thus reassuring his fears and then they both working together – when they do this they both feel heard and safe – and just become closer through building intimacy.
The funny part is I was willing to try and figure out and use tools to rebuild intamacy – but you right he 1. Felt he could not trust me any longer and didn’t have faith in me and 2. As a result of his no love for me, he wasn’t willing to offer me his trust as in return. Since I can’t be in a relationship by myself with a non willing partner, it ‘couldn’t function’ and he had to break up.
It’s funny it’s almost like game theory ito prisoners dilemma – if you have both people willing to cooperate both have equal payoffs and are winners but if one defects before the other, you have one winner and a loser (zero sum game) and if both defect you both have losers. In either case he couldn’t see cooperation would have helped him reached a better understanding about not only himself and his part but also our relational mistakes and he felt healing on his own is better than together because he has ‘me all figured out’.
Also perhaps he felt he knew enough about me and the relationship mistakes and feels he doesn’t need to know me because he feels it’s me and not ‘him’ – he’s blind because he wasn’t willing to explore or even till this day come to ask me about insights as to wot my experience of how he was ‘to me’ in our marriage.
He simply isn’t interested at this point or perhaps he fears wanting to find out because he has to paint me as the villain or else his whole paradigm of ‘how bad I was’ falls over – and perhaps for now he needs to ‘feel that’ so he feel justified in his decision to leave? Who knows? I’m just speculating…
I struggled a lot with understanding trust – one often feels it all has to do with infidelities etc but it isn’t – I didn’t cheat on him and yet he treats me ‘as breaking trust’ as bad as that – like I didn’t lie or betray or cheat.
I’m not saying he has no right to feel that way but it would be nice if you could share some insight on that – it took me a lot of research and self reflection and therapist to realize that when both of us couldn’t inculcate an environment for both of us to feel safe to speak up with one another – the unresolved hurts etc – it led to a breakdown of trust and disconnection – that really is the sad part about this – and now even tho I wanted to give it another shot to try and rebuild that – he felt it was too late 🙁
Hey Ruby.
Before your ex decided to pull the plug, he was engulfed in negative emotions. He was exhausted from arguing, which caused a lack of emotional connection between the two of you. As you mentioned yourself, unresolved quarrels and negative associations towards you, caused him to reach the melting point. You must understand that he kept trying and struggling every time the relationship didn’t work. When arguments keep occuring one after another, without healing properly in between disagreements, it eventually comes to a stop. It kept building up each time, little by little, until he exploded. He came to the point where he said “no more.” The best way to explain it, is like you are being poked with a stick in the same spot every 60 seconds. It will start off as a tickle, and slowly worsen with each prod. Eventually the stick is going to cause skin damage and protrude into the tissue. If you consider your situation from the same point of view, you will realize that your relationship barrier wasn’t strong enough to withstand the blows.
Another important thing you should note is that it wasn’t completely your fault. This might not completely apply to your case, but I’ve seen cases where the dumper has hurt himself more than the dumpee has. To elaborate on that, dumpers sometimes say and do things that reflect right back at them. For instance, your ex physically assaults you. Whilst he is doing that, you remain steady, and step back from his assault. As a result of that he trips over the chair and ends up hurting himself badly. Another example is where he verbaly abuses you by saying mean things to you, and you retaliate with the truth as to why he is acting so demeaning (perhaps you say something that is apparent in his family). You point things out, and they take great offence because of the way you make them feel. Truth is always hard to hear, and a lot of people would rather not hear it.
Again I went with extremities, and that’s to show you that your ex acted unreasonably at times in your relationship. You can’t want to fix his demeanour when it’s him that played a huge role in an argument. It’s him that has to want to fix it.
He feels it’s too late, because it is too late for now at least. It took him long to reach this boiling point, and now he needs pretty long to realize he isn’t perfect either. Some people never realize this and will go through multiple failed relationships. As you know this very well, relationships need to be worked on. There is no perfect match from the beginning. There’s so much compromising that must be made in every relationship.
You’ve come a far way, and are willing to work on the relationship. He is exactly where he was prior to the break-up, as I always state. For your relationship with him to ever work in the future, he has to think of the past relationship the same way as you. It’s a shame dumpers are always in the “it’s not me, it’s you” mentality.
Zan
Hey Zan! It’s K here! Great article as always! I scored a 7. haha! Am I surprised? Definitely not. I know that my ex is definitely NOT a keeper regardless that I’ve known him for a decade and that he was my best friend for years before we started dating! I definitely got to know him so much better after we started dating and in the past 3 months, I have now come to the realization that we were really not a good fit. I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on our relationship (while he’s moved on – yes a mere 10 days after we broke up). I realize that I don’t love my ex anymore. I did love him very much when we were together – but taking into consideration his bad habits, personality, value, chasing, etc… everything you’d discussed above, I realize that I no longer love him and realize that we aren’t well suited.
However, that all said, what upsets me is, he’s probably the best boyfriend to his new girlfriend. He’s probably doing everything that I wanted him to do for me but he couldn’t. Yet, he appears to be doing ALL those things for her. I guess you could call it jealousy as I’m envious that he couldn’t give me his time, energy, space, yet… he’s giving them to her. Of course, I don’t really know if that’s really the truth. But that’s what my mind tells me. My mind tells me that he’s loving, caring, dotes on his new girlfriend, calls and texts her regularly, spends lots of time with her, etc, but when we were together, he couldn’t seem to give me any of those things consistently (which was the cause of us going on a break initially). Seeing that I’m not around my ex and his new gf, I honestly don’t know what’s really going on with them, but from the few pictures I’ve seen, they seem so contented and happy.
So what I’m trying to say is, while I’ve realize that I no longer love my ex, what bothers me is, he’s doing for his new gf everything that he couldn’t do for me. Why can he do those things for her and not me? Why wasn’t I special enough? It makes me sad thinking about it. And that is what’s still bothering the hell out of me. Why do I feel this way? It’s driving me nuts!
Hi K!
You’re the first to score a 7. This definitely proves that your ex was no angel. As you know, there are so many “inexplicable” reasons why we want our exes. I see some sites saying that if you still love your ex, then you must really want to be with him. From what I understand, over 99% of dumpees still want to be with their exes (at least right after the break-up). As a matter of fact, they want to be with them even more when they have been broken up with. We all know love is hard to define in break-ups, because there are so many factors involved. I hope this article opened your eyes by explaining why you feel the way you do towards him.
Silly girl. Of course your ex may seem like he has learned from his mistakes, and is now taking better care of his new partner. Un/fortunately, this isn’t quite true. He is trying to appear as great as he can to this new person by doing all sorts of new things. Dumpers don’t usually learn from their mistakes or treat their next partner better that fast. Sure he may try to spoil her a bit more and put in more effort than he did towards the end of your relationship, but that’s to be expected, right? He’s probably experiencing the honeymoon euphoria, which makes him want to impress her.
You know that people always publish the best of the best on the internet. Showing pictures of their perfect life is concealing the reality. Have you ever seen a person on Facebook miserable with his SO?
You feel this way because the newness of his relationship is making you feel insignificant. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are special enough, you are pretty enough, you are fun, and you do matter. Don’t let your self-esteem suffer because of this one person who refused to work on the relationship.
Zan
I also scored a 7 😒 I have no idea why I could feel so connected to a person who was treating me so poorly.
It takes so much time to heal, but I am being way more careful now in entering relationships. I find these articles very helpful and insightful.
I still worry my ex will meet someone else and treat them much better than he treated me over our 4-5 years. He was always putting himself first. I was given an ultimatum to move my life without any commitment after so long. No way I would take a risk. The distance and lack of effort from him created arguments. My lesson; catch those warning signs early and don’t waste time. People can waste so much time with these people only to be dumped at a later date.
This is very hard to count on because if I did score based on my partner at onset then I score 1. He probably would score me low also. The problem is that as you have unresolved hurts over time, it caused one partner to pull back specially into an ebb and flow downwards. While he dumped me I’m sure he will score me high if he was counting his recent last few years experience of me. The problem is I also have to admit not putting in towards the end coz as he withheld so did I.
It was a horrible passive aggressive approach the dumper takes on waiting to see if they don’t care whether you (ie me) will care to put in more. He expected me to put in more as he withheld but point is when you as a partner are in it – it’s not like you on purpose not wanting to put in to relationship for your partner. It’s because when other life stages occur like kids / working / life balance / domestic responsibilities come into play you (me) as the person may not have realized it in ‘that moment’. Because you just think ‘oh this is normal all couples who just have small kids or start a family must be going through some ‘low’ until they move out of that stage’.
Yes in hindsight I have to own my part and learn from my mistakes. I can’t excuse the fact that and I need to own the fact that I also didn’t place importance on my relationship: I feel guilt from this because when he wanted to leave and bring it to my attention all dumpees want to do is to have the opportunity to make it right to heal together and show them it wasn’t ‘you as a true person’ – you (me) just let myself go and let life business get the best of me and that I can do better with rigth tools / professional help etc.
Unfortunately at this point they look to your past actions as evidence of who you are as a person when I know I’m not that – it’s sad they lost that faith in me but I have to also accept the reasons that they did is due to my part.
So all I can do is try to learn from my mistakes and become more self aware of my bad behavior characteristics and become better and whether he notices or not it’s ok. In the end he also needs to own his part and if he doesn’t then I can’t force him to see me differently. His perception of who I am is based on his experience of me so if I was seen to be horrible and selfish and self absorbed then while I didn’t do so intentionally or maliciously then I must accept that that was how I must have come across to him 🙁
Hey ruby.
People in general have this preconceived, engraved idea in their mind that we can’t and won’t change. When he left you, he indeed thought negatively of you, otherwise he would not have left. Something wasn’t working both for him and you. Call me crazy, but it’s for the best. It couldn’t keep going the way it has been, so something needed to change. That something should start with you since he is too stubborn to admit his flaws. He will eventually notice your hard work, whether it’s in a year or 5 years. If you truly put the attention on you and your own shortcomings, you will achieve that result. Sadly, you won’t care whether he notices you and your improvement at some point later down the road. It’s hard to believe, but when you have healed and noticed changes in your life and especially behaviour, something changes in you. You become this person of high value to yourself. Others shortly follow, and you let your old self be in the past. Even if you were doing things really, really wrong, you no longer do them. Why be obsessed with the past that does not define your present, right? Your mistakes need to stay in the past.
Blaming yourself for your mistakes is holding you back from recovering. Admit your flaws first, and then work on them is your next step. I can tell that you have already learned many things since the break-up. As a result of that, you are a much better person now. Yes, your ex isn’t back, but you can have yourself back – the you that only you can appreciate fully.
Very well said Ruby. You’ve learned a lot since the break-up, and you’ve certainly made great progress.
Hi Zan
Thanks I’m getting better and your new posts help. I guess I read k’s post and it also makes me sad – because she’s right – when 2 ppl break up and should they both become better versions and learn and improve on their flaws naturally they will take it to their next relationship.
So just as she’s worried he’s being better with his new partner than when he was with her I can say wout a doubt my ex will treat his next partner better. But equally so on the flip side both myself and k if and when we find new partners we too will treat them better than we did our ex’s. What is sad is that both partners could have learned together and been better to each other as opposed to breaking up.
Now you break up you clouded by all this unnecessary pain as well that you need to deal with from ending of a relationship when instead both partners could have just used each other to learn and focus on healing and fixing their flaws together bar the pain of breakup.
But I guess you will say sum times it takes a separation before we as beings actually decide to correct ourselves. I always felt motivated both before the split (ie ‘supposed therapy’ while he still contemplated) as well as post the split.
But again I’m sure you will say when you the dumpee you tend to do that – when you the dumper you can’t focus on your own flaws – all they focus on is on getting over their guilt and pain from being the ones that ended it. Perhaps it takes the dumper several years and once they over that guilt and pain only then will they look at their flaws or maybe not?
Hi Ruby. Thanks for commenting.
I understand your concern about the dumpers becoming a better version of themself. This just doesn’t happen. Allow me to elaborate by putting myself in the dumper’s position.
Here’s a story I just made up: I’ve been emotionally abusive and extremely controlling to my partner for years. Whenever we argue, I lash out in anger, and put her down in a demeaning manner. As a result of a recent argument, I break-up with her, because she never listens to what I say. I’ve told her many times that she can’t hang out with her guy friend because I suspect he has feelings for her. My now ex girlfriend is begging me to please come back to her, because “I’m all she has.” I tell her no a dozen times, and proceed to block her. I don’t really mind being single. At least I won’t have to worry about her hanging out with her best male friend. The girl at work has recently been giving me a lot of attention, I think to myself. Oh, and there’s that girl from the gym, I think she really likes me. I have other options, so why would I be with my disrespectful girlfriend?
Discussion: Because I’m the dumper, and completely fed up with my ex, I decided to block her since she literally made me do it. She’s the one who has been making me feel insecure through various “inconsiderate” actions. I’m the one who has been emotionally cheated on, and disrespected in many ways.
With this kind of thinking, the dumper develops the victim mentality and blame his ex for making him feel this miserable.
I know I made the dumper look bad, but that wasn’t my intention. The purpose of this story is that the dumper thinks he has been wronged. He points the finger straight at you by saying, “it’s all your fault.” Trust me. I’ve experienced this first hand. The most emotionally, physically, psychologically, and all kinds of abusive people, will say it’s your fault, so why wouldn’t your ex?
Dumpers consider themselves the victims, the society sees them as culprits, and dumpees think they are their saviours. So when you think of your ex as the person who will make you feel good/better, it’s only natural to think he must be one hell of a great person. I bet that if you as the dumpee had no feelings for just one day, you would kick your ex right in the **** and never look back. If you could just make that one rational decision, it would probably be to move on, and erase him out of your memory.
I reiterate, dumpers don’t have enough time to change forever. Bad habits take time. If a person who is consciously trying to break a bad habit, struggles to do it, why do you think a contented person would do it easily, just by moving on to the next person? Bad habits and even worse, personality traits take so long to fix. Its like expecting an alcoholic to break-free of his addiction just by leaving his (good or bad) ex and quickly rebound with another person. He will try to impress her new partner for a while. He will do so without much effort because he’s feeling the need to try, but not for long. Shortly after, he will revert back to his old ways. He simply lacked the motivation to change. This is why dumpees so often outgrow their ex dumpers by a mile. It’s like dumpees are pushed in a ring with a lion, while the dumpers are out there partying and enjoying themselves.
I don’t know how long it will take them to notice their destructive ways. A year, 2, never? They will change when they are forced to change, because they will have no other choice (like yourself).
Kind regards,
Zan
Omg Zan this is one of your really really strong replies one that’s really resonated with me – 🙂 thanks for your case pointed out but I’m going to ask a question on the top about it.
Thanks
I got a “my ex is cool”. I wish I had gotten a worse result to finally rceeive the push to move on. But I recognise that he broke up with me because of my I was under a lot of pressure and feeling depressive and that caused me to be distant. He had his reasons and it hurts to admit this.
Hi Deb. Thanks for commenting.
Depression is a huge relationship killer. You would think that people would offer help and support when you are in a vulnerable state, but that’s normally not the case. At first they will, but later, they will distance themselves, and break-up with you.
I hope you are feeling better now.
Best wishes,
Zan
Thank you Zan. This article practically nailed how I was feeling word for word. I have logically reasoned a dozen different ways why I should move on from my ex but the emotions get in the way. Your points help me better understand why. Oh, and my ex is MEH.
Hi John. I hope you’re well.
I’m glad these points have helped you better understand why you feel so inclined to get back with your ex. Also, it’s great to hear that your ex isn’t the best option for you. I hope this piece of information helps you move on to something better soon.
Kind regards,
Zan