When a girl says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship, you should listen to her. She’s trying to warn you that getting involved with her is a bad idea and that it’s going to have catastrophic consequences.
It’s going to make you (the more attached person with higher expectations) regret investing in her and leave you upset. You might even experience the fear of abandonment and separation anxiety. It really depends on how invested you are in her.
If you’re very invested and you love her to bits, you’ll most likely suffer. You’ll feel unpleasant feelings of rejection and as a result, want her to love you even more.
And if you’re not that invested in her as you haven’t had feelings for her for a very long time, then you’ll likely take it to the chin and accept her decision. You’ll be okay with her rejection and focus on finding someone who will want to be with you.
That’s why a girl who tells you she’s not emotionally ready is actually being very honest with you. She’s expressing to you that her mentality and feelings are off and that she isn’t able to give and receive love.
She can’t because she isn’t in a place to do so. She’s somehow stuck in the past, pondering over one of her recent relationships. Maybe even two if she got in a rebound shortly after her breakup.
The indisputable truth is that if a girl tells you she’s not emotionally ready, she really means it. Something didn’t turn out the way she’d imagined, so she now needs time to process her failures and regain her independence.
Her love tank is unfortunately empty and she can’t refill it no matter how endearing you are and how much you love her.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, you, therefore can’t make this girl fall for you because she doesn’t:
- Want to fall for you
- Feel love for you
She may feel attracted to you and likes you as a person, but she definitely can’t be with you until she lets go of the past that haunts her and regains her faith in relationships.
This article is for those romantics who’d met a girl or a woman who says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship.
She says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship yet
If you want a relationship with a girl who tells you that she’s not ready for one, it would be extremely wise not to push the girl against her will and coerce her to commit to you.
Not only would such needy actions make you look selfish, insecure, and possessive, but they’d also tell the girl that you don’t really care about her inability to reciprocate your feelings.
They’d tell her that all you care about are your feelings and that her feelings, suggestions, and ideas don’t matter the slightest.
And when she comprehends that you don’t care about her feelings, she’ll refuse to give you what you want and instinctually push you away and distance herself from you.
She’ll do this out of suffocation and self-respect—and likely start making excuses not to see you and go out with you. How she treats you strongly depends on how much you smother her and what she’s like as a person.
For example, if she’s the impulsive type, she’ll probably remove you from social media and block you. She’ll do anything to protect herself from being forced to overinvest in you.
On the other hand, if she’s in control of her actions and reactions, she’ll likely respond maturely and keep you at a distance nonetheless.
There’s no telling what a smothered girl will do because every person’s different. But one thing that’s certain is that she’ll lower her romantic respect for you and feel even less attracted to you than before you attempted to win her over.
So try not to pull off a grand romantic gesture because (as she said) she’s not emotionally ready for one. If she were ready, her words and actions would depict affection for you.
She’d appear receptive to relationship topics and would likely express the desire to get to know you and commit to you.
If you’re wondering, “Why isn’t she emotionally ready for a relationship,” this picture will provide you with some information.
What to do when she says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship?
Now that you know what not to do if she’s not ready for a relationship, let’s look at the things you should be doing.
First and foremost, give her space and freedom to be in charge of her life. As simple and self-explanatory as that may seem, you’d be surprised how many men tend to act “alpha” and try to take control of the situation.
They show “their” unavailable girl their manly powers and try to sweep her off her feet.
But the truth is that most men don’t possess the capabilities to charm a girl who’s incapable of loving.
They can’t do it because the girl’s love is not dependent on them. It’s dependent on the girl’s emotional readiness and her ability to process past experiences.
She’s the one who went through something shocking in the past and not the guys who are trying to court her. That’s why guys need to understand that a girl who doesn’t want to love, doesn’t want to love for a reason.
That reason is that her current relationship mentality is not appropriate for a serious relationship. It’s still processing pain, insecurities, and possibly even trust issues—and is still looking for ways to solve them.
Here are a few possible reasons why a girl isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship yet:
- She recently left her abusive/toxic/narcissistic partner
- Her previous partner treated her badly
- She’s convinced that relationships aren’t her forte
- She doesn’t want to commit or wants to stay polygamous for validation and emotional or sexual gratification
- The girl’s afraid of getting hurt
- She’s looking for a very specific kind of person that she could attach to and benefit from
When you’ve given the girl you like some space to breathe, you have to continue to avoid relationship/commitment topics and give her enough time for her to:
- Put her distressing experiences behind her
- Increase her interest in you
- Find a motive to be with you
One way for you to help the girl invest in you is to confidently accept the friendzone and continue to be your best self. You needn’t be afraid that she’ll leave you, find someone else. and that you’ll lose her forever.
The truth is that she’s not even your partner right now, so try not to make it seem that you are.
Be the best version of yourself instead and behave selflessly. By doing so, you’ll free her from various requirements and obligations and consequently, allow her to feel as great as she can around you.
And once she’s processed her past and realized that you’re actually a decent person, her love and respect for you could potentially increase.
But for now, you have to appear secure and respect this person’s wishes.
How long could it take before she’s emotionally ready for a relationship?
Nobody really knows how long it could take a girl with a poor relationship mentality and commitment issues to naturally process everything.
It really depends on her coping mechanisms and on whether she’s working on herself. If she’s getting professional help and she’s strong enough to leave her past events behind, she might get over it in a matter of months.
She could accept her past, soften the pain, and gradually get over her fears.
But if she isn’t doing anything about it and she stopped caring about self-improvement, then it could take this girl a very long time to be vulnerable again. I have no idea how long it could take, but if I had to guess, I’d say at least a year.
She’d need to forget about her experiences with the help of time alone—as time does heal wounds. But after she’s healed, she’d be at great risk of regression.
Especially if her thoughts during the recovery period aren’t very positive. She could essentially carry on with a poor relationship mentality and enter a new relationship with poor willpower.
That’s why you can never put too much hope on a girl who’s not sure about herself and lacks the drive to grow. If she isn’t deliberately working on improving her thoughts and feelings, you may be better off finding someone who will.
Friends and benefits with a girl who won’t commit
If you’re friends with benefits with a girl you like, simply continue to be friends with benefits. Don’t complain about how she’s being unfair and inconsiderate of your feelings.
She doesn’t want to hear any of that.
As we said before, it’s not about your feelings right now. It’s about hers—and she wants to keep it that way.
Besides, you’re not in a committed relationship with her so you need to behave that way too. Don’t guilt-trip her or do anything that forces her against her will.
When (and if) this girl gets attached to you, you will be the first to know about it. Your absence will affect her and she’ll want to spend more and more time with you.
Just make sure you don’t overinvest in this person because (as you now know) she may take her a very long time before she’s ready. And my guess is that you don’t want to stay hungry for her love forever.
You have a life of your own to live.
Moreover, she might eventually start dating another person (or a few) and that could make you feel insecure. So make sure you date this person with low expectations or you could end up seriously hurt.
Should you give up on a girl who can’t love you or has commitment issues?
I can’t decide for you and tell you exactly what to do, but I can give you some general advice that may come in useful.
That said, I see two options for you to choose from:
- If you have a crush on a girl and her lack of affection doesn’t hurt you, simply continue to hang out with her. Plan non-romantic experiences, be her friend, and show her you respect her. By doing so, you will likely be the first person in the queue for her to date once she’s finally ready to date.
- However, if seeing this girl hurts you and starves you for intimacy, it may be in your best interest to distance yourself from her and get her out of your system. As a rule of thumb, you should never put yourself through torture for a girl who doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. Your physical and emotional health is too valuable for that. This is true whether this girl is your friend, a friend with benefits, or an ex. It doesn’t matter who she is because she’s not worth the uncertainty.
I hope this article’s given you some useful tips on how to deal with a girl who says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship. If it did, I’d like to hear what your next step is. Comment below the post.
Hello Zan,
I’ve read a lot of your articles in the last 6 weeks, and this was the first one that got me a bit confused.
In most of your texts, you always mention how the best move is to go fully “no contact” and to deny the “friendzone request”; but in this one you advise us to “accept the friendzione”. Is it different in the case? If so, then why exactly?
I met this girl during a trip to Australia last year. The way we met was magical, driven by stronger forces, full of coincidences; we connected immediatelly and spent a few magical days together during the trip. After we went our ways, we kept in contact (online), and our connection started to grow stronger and stronger with time. We talked daily, and the amount of texting, video calls and intimacy only grew more and more.
As I wasa working remotelly, we soon started arranging for me to go visit her in her country during summer 2023 (europe). So that’s how it went.. in total, after the trip we kept an online long distance relationship for 7 months, talking pretty much everynight. Our interaction had both feelings and sexual tension, from both sides. After these 7 months, I went to her country to spend 2 weeks travelling with her. It was a perfect trip, we had a great time together in all possible ways. Company was great, sex was great, we became closer and closer.
So I started contemplating the idea of trying to get a job in her country and living there, so we could be closer and had a relationship. She always seemed to appreciate that idea as well. I stayed for a couple of months travelling in the neighbouring countries, and went to her country a couple more times to spend some days with her, and it was always great. I then rented a temporary place for me, to start looking for a job, and then be able to stay there with her. I seriously wanted to have a comittment with her and could see our future together. Everything seemed meant to be. I had never been so certain about what I wanted, and I was sure she felt the same.
I had been looking for a job in her country for a couple of weeks, sending applications and everything, and then one day went to meet her, as we had arranged.. and then the “surprise” came. Out of the blue and totally unexpectedly, she started saying that it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to move to her country only because of her, because that would make our relationship too serious, and she could not imagine that. She wasn’t ready for that. She said she knew I gave her my 100%, but she couldn’t give me 100% (although it did feel to me that she did so). Anyway, these news were such a shock for me, I didn’t see that coming.. so it hurt as hell and totally blow the floor underneath me.
Despite being this hurt, I respected her, and accepted her decision. What made me confused is that she still hugged kissed me a lot, still wanted to hold hands while walking, still starred me deeply into the eyes all day long, even after breaking up. She also made lots of compliments about me, about how everything I did was great, about how she felt great with me, almost about how “perfect” I was (in her words). I could still she had feelings, and strong ones.
We had previously arranged for her to come and visit me in my rented flat the week after, to spend a couple of days together, and she asked me if she could still come. I said no. I said there was no reason for that, because she had already decided to end our story, so why would we delay for one more week? I also said that maybe this was the wrong time to mention it, but that I loved her so much, the way I had never loved before. She cried lots and lots after I said this. Before leaving, she asked me if we could still keep contact through text.. and I also said it was better not. If she had decided that she wanted her life without me, there was no reason to keep in contact.. and just as she had said she could not give me 100%, I could not be just a “distant online friend” and give her only 10% or 15%, when all I knew how to do was to give her my 100%.
So, from that moment on, our 11-month connection ended abruptly. We never sent messages to each other again. We went from a daily intense connection to absolute no contact. I noticed that she started posting more often on instagram, and she also saw all my stories, and I couldn’t stand having her as a stranger on my list of friends.. so I unfollowed her and deleted her a follower.
One month later, I decided to write her a message. I was honest and sincere, and said I understood her situation, and respected it. She is considerably younger than me, and at her age, I also wasn’t ready for loving and being loved. I ended the message saying that I didn’t want energetic barriers between us. She replied my message in the same day, and I could clearly see that she was missing me, and that she has a very positive view about me, but still was firm in her decision of not having a relationship with me. She also mentioned that she was very afraid to reflect about everything that happened, and it became clear that she has “shadows from the past” that chase her. I don’t know what it is, but she has probably broken someone’s heart in the past, in a similar way to what she did to me.
These last messages we exchanged were about 3 weeks ago, and we never talked again. In total, it’s been about 7 weeks from the break up. I miss her, I feel sad for losing such a beautiful story with such a compatible woman, who has a lot in common with me, who fits so well, who shares lots of dreams and values in common. It’s hard to accept that she likes everything about our relationship, but still wanted out.
But, despite feeling this sadness about the “waste” of such a great potential relationship, I chose to deal with it the best way, right from day 1: I accepted her decision, accepted the loss, read and learned a lot about relationships and breakups, and have been always determined to move on. I grived, I got sad, I got angry, I reflected.. and in 7 weeks I learned a lot about myself and grew a lot as a person. So I’m moving on. But still get some occasional “waves” of grief and flashback, and some “hopes” that she will realise how rare and special our connection was, and that it’s not right to just throw it away like that.
So, in my situation, was it right to go no contact? or would it have been better to accept her “friendzone texting request”, and keep having a superficial 15% connection with her? I would like to hear about that.
Thanks for advance, and thanks again for all your texts. They helped me a lot during this stage of my life.
Hi Rn.
You can reject the friendship or accept it but keep your distance. It doesn’t make a difference as long as you give her the space she needs. You mustn’t try to have a superficial relationship because you’ll give her relationship benefits for free and delay your suffering. The girl seems to have gotten cold feet. She thought things were getting too serious and that she’d have to commit and invest more time and emotions. This she wasn’t ready for as she wanted the relationship to remain light.
If you want the best for yourself and her attraction to you, cut her off and ask for space if she reaches out. From now on, it’s about you, not her.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks for your reply, Zan. I agree with what you said.
Not giving her the benefits for free is one of the main reasons I decided to go NC since the day she broke up with me. Apparently, it seems like she somehow believed that I would still be there for her after breaking-up, willing to text her and support her emotionally, and also willing to receive her visit at my temporary home. When she realised that she would lose me completelly because of the break-up, that’s when she bursted into tears. Do you think that is the actual reason she cried that much? Or is it because she realised she was hurting me?
It’s now been more than 2 months since the break-up, and more than 1 month since the only contact I had with her afterwards. I have improved a lot and worked a lot towards full acceptance that it’s gone for good. It’s been a life changing experience that made me grow a lot, so I’m trying to stick with this good side of it. Anyway, there’s one doubt that comes into my mind all the time, and this is exactly the last thing I would like to ask you:
When I contacted her last month, she told me she was very scared of reflecting about the relationship and the break-up. I then asked her why, and she said it was for to reasons: 1) that it brought a lot of self-hate feelings, thinking that she keeps hurting the people that she should care the most about (that’s when she mentioned there were other people from the past, besides me); and 2) that when she started to think about it too much, she would think that she could maybe regret it one day, and she couldn’t cope with such feelings. So, my question is: does this mean that she already regrets it somehow? Or is it just an unconscious way to try to keep my hopes alive, like “oh, she might regret one day and want me back”. What do you think?
Thanks again for all your help!
Hi Rn.
I can’t say why she burst into tears. It could be guilt or the realization that she lost even the friendship part of you. Perhaps a combination of both.
It’s probably due to guilt as she expressed to you that she was angry with herself for hurting people (you). I think she finally discovered a pattern of leaving and hurting partners. She doesn’t regret leaving yet. She only dislikes the idea of regretting her decision and suffering the consequences of her actions. In other words, she wants to protect herself from getting hurt.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks for your reply, Zan. It all makes a lot of sense.
It’s so hard to accept the end of a relationship for such a small issue, but I know that inside her mind it’s not a small thing. I’ve had my issues too in the past and I know how hard it is to overcome them.
Zan, I’ve seen that in several of your articles when you describe the stages of the breakup for the dumpers, you talk about how they create a negative image of the dumpee, which works as a defense mechanism for them to justify the reasons for the breakup inside their own minds. And, having been a dumpee a few times in the past, I absolutely agree that this happens almost everytime, especially when we act avoidantly: we just find something about the person (be it physical, psychological or behavioural) that we decide to dislike or be turned off by, and stick to that as a reason for going away. And I’m now wondering.. is this ALWAYS the case, in every break-up? Is it impossible for a break-up to happen, if the dumper does not make use of this mechanism? So, even in a friendly, peaceful break-up like mine, is it the case that she created a negative image about me in her mind, even though she made dozens of compliments during breakup and we never argued or fought?
Hi Rn.
In all breakups, dumpers convince themselves that something’s not working for them. Whether it’s their ex or them, they find a reason and stick to it at all cost. It helps them avoid self-blame and pain. Your breakup may have been friendly, but that doesn’t mean the breakup happened for no reason. There was a reason whether you were aware of it or not.
The compliments she made in the past are a matter of the past. Her mentality has changed since then.
Sincerely,
Zan
Situation similar to mine, she approached me. Told me earlier on about what she went through so that I’m aware. Opened up ALOT about abusive ex “because I really like you and I want you to know.” We did a lot together. Eventually got to a point where she started to cry when he threatened her and me after her told him about us. She went to family and he’s completely cut off. But now she’s saying “she has internal things to get past first, a team is only as strong as the weakest teammate.” Then it became “we could still hang out but just slowly and without pressure” which I was okay with. Then it became “I just need to be alone for awhile I swear it’s not another man etc” all while crying multiple times. She likes me but can’t reciprocate feelings and doesn’t feel good enough, she saying everything feels wrong and I don’t deserve this etc, maybe there’s a future but for now I need to be selfish with my time. I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally ready. we no longer speak… I do miss her. What’s next?
Hi Sabby.
This person isn’t ready to invest in you. She’s still dealing with the trauma of her previous relationship and needs time to process it. You’ve got to let her go so she can enjoy her freedom for a while. Also, don’t be her friend. You have feelings, so it’d be very difficult to pretend like you’re besties. Take this time to figure out what’s best for you.
She should probably talk to a professional about her experience so she can successfully address her issues.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve been reading your articles for months now. They first helped me through my breakup, finding myself again and all.
Now I’m seing this girl, it’s been only 3 months but things started pretty intensely. We both felt the same way and even thought we said we were not ready for a serious couple now we knew this was not a sexual thing only. We knew it was special.
At some point I got scared because I started to get attached (not in love but I do feel a tiny something) we talked she told me not to get scared and we decided we should always communicate our fears and thoughts.
But then she got scared.. she distanced herself a bit, for weeks actually but we talked and she stated that she does not know if/when she’ll want more.
She said she thinks about me a lot, she wants to see me a lot, she looks at me and I see how much she crave me… like I feel there is something.
But I’m wondering if I should just let her some space and act ‘casually’ or if I’m in a situation where if she does not feel it now she will.
Hi Marion.
Thanks for reading the blog. I’m glad it’s been helping you.
You’re in a difficult situation because the girl doesn’t feel that strongly for you. She feels that you want more and more, but she’s not able to reciprocate. Because of that, she’s been distancing herself and focusing on herself more. It’s hard to say if her feelings will return and if she’ll get through her previous relationship (or whatever issue she’s dealing with). But you need to know that many people don’t. They need to be single to become ready for a relationship.
Be careful!
Zan
I met someone fresh out of a long-term marriage. When we first got together I was worried she mightn’t be ready and took it slow. She kept pushing it and telling me it felt right and I was what she was looking for. After18 months she started saying she wanted space because she realized she hadn’t processed the marriage and shouldn’t have moved on so soon. Her break-up message said she didn’t feel emotionally ready and that she was finally going to take the necessary time out to be alone to process and rediscover herself. She also said it was killing her to hurt me and that she was still in love with me.
Then something totally miraculous happened!!
In less than a month she was emotionally ready for someone else and back in a relationship. She doesn’t show any signs of grieving me and is so crazy about the new love interest it’s like she never met me. She kept all the photos I took of her on holidays up on social media but erased my name and deleted all trace of me. In the meantime I’m devastated. The dumping was hard enough to take. This is a next-level punish. Is this something you’ve seen before Zan?
Hi Cupid.
18 months seems like a long time. I’m sure she fell out of love with you and used emotional unavailability as an excuse. It’s possible she fell for the new person and cheated on you. I’m not 100% certain, but you should stay away from her as she’s in the honeymoon phase and is going to hurt you badly. I’ve seen this hundreds of times. It saddens me every time.
Make sure not to think it’s got anything to do with you. She messed it up badly and won’t admit it. At least not as long as she’s so deeply in love.
Kind regards,
Zan
I wish I read this article sooner. I got in this weird commitment. I wish I stayed friends with her. It hurt and was hard to not take it personal. I broke things off but didn’t want to. It has been the hardest separation i have experienced.
Hi David.
You were forced to break things off, but that doesn’t make you the dumper. She had lost feelings and interest long before you expressed your desire for space.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for this article! It’s been helping re reading this lol. In a situation like this now. She got out of a very very bad relationship about 9 months ago. We met 4 months ago. She eventually got negative feelings once we started to grow closer after 2 months so she cut it off saying she can’t do it. This was very hard for the both of us. During those 2 months it was a long distance thing where she visited me twice. She has since moved here for her job. Once she got here she contacted me right away and we were back in it telling me that we can do a FWB situation which I was fine with and didn’t pressure. I went at her speed the entire time. She’s a single mom which has an impact on this as well involving her kids who were also hurt during her last relationship. I’ve met her kids and we’ve all hung out a few times which made me think we’d just take things super slow and see what happens which she did suggest. Just last night we were on the phone and somehow our situation was brought up again to which she said she can’t do it, not even FWB. She believes there’s no way for friendship because it’s impossible for us to act that way given our chemistry. So it’s all or nothing I guess? She still loves me and says I’m the best partner she’s ever had but she’s very scared and isn’t ready for a relationship right now. I love this girl to bits. She mentioned we should get dinner in a couple days to chat. Maybe for closure? Should I go no contact after that? Man, I want her to come back to me eventually, so bad!
Best,
Chris
To add, the feelings she gets is heavy anxiety. It overwhelms her. This makes her think that I’m not the “one” and that if I was she wouldn’t feel this anxiety or fear…
Hi Chris.
This girl rushed her detachment process. She wanted to feel better by getting involved with you, so she soon realized that she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. You need to give her the space she needs, Chris. Go no contact after the meetup or better yet, right away.
Best,
Zan
Thank you for the reply! Our dinner date went well. We hardly spoke about our relationship. Instead we just enjoyed ourselves and had a romantic night. When she left the next morning she said “I’ll see you soon”. How soon? Who knows, but I’m going no contact for sure and I will definitely not get my hopes up. I know she has only positive thoughts about me. I’m thinking she may come back eventually, but for now, I’ll keep doing my thing.
Hi Chris.
She may indeed be back eventually. But only when she deals with her past. In the meantime, stay in no contact and let her come to you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
This makes so much sense and I wish I had found this article a month and a half ago… I unfortunately pushed her too much after she told me about her emotional unavailability and why. Even after telling me, she was reciprocating my moves and I was actually matching her speed — but then she started to pull away, and instead of stepping back and giving her space I leaned in too closely. I said the right things about wanting to meet her needs and respect her boundaries, but I kept not being able to stop myself from showing up or proposing new times to meet and go out.
She gave me a second chance at a reset after about a week of things chilling out between us, but then I…made the same mistake again, leaned in too close, put too much pressure, and ultimately made her feel guilty about continually rejecting all of my overtures and invitations, causing her to tell me all she could offer me was friendship even though I was “amazing” in a host of ways and that she “wished she could just turn it on and be so in love with me.”
So basically, what can I do now after I told her there was definitely a friendship door open to her, that I would give her time to reach out to me when she wanted to, but also acknowledged to her that I cared about her and still thought we would be great together. I know I made myself look selfish and inconsistent beforehand with the gap between what I said and what I did. This time around after my apology acknowledging that, I have 100% kept my space and not reached out to her. But what can I do now, or do if she does reach back out to me in the future?
Hi Joe.
I don’t blame you for what happened. You tried to slow down for her but couldn’t because you naturally gravitated toward her and wanted more from her. In consequence, she felt overprioritized and distanced herself. What you do now is get some space from her so you don’t keep expecting her to reciprocate your feelings. This girl will come to you if she processes the past (or whatever issue she’s dealing with) and realizes she left someone great. Don’t reach out to her if she doesn’t contact you. She has to come to you or you’ll likely pressure her again.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks for the article it gave me a very much complete view of similar situations ! 🙂
wish you the best
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Amir.
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
“One way for you to help the girl invest in you is to confidently accept the friendzone and continue to be your best self.”
Isn’t the friendzone something you should avoid at all costs if you have a romantic desire towards somebody? They say it’s a hopeless zone, where your attractiveness is minimum and escaping it is nearly impossible and can be done only on terms of the other person (in this case the emotionally unavaiable girl). Plus, I understood that helping investing means hanging out one-by-one. The girl that friendzoned someone won’t really be eager to meet and will most likely be flaky or “busy” all the time. Therfore, how to help the girl invest in you? Or maybe I’m wrong and I misinterpreted something in this article?
Thanks
Hi P.
You’re not misunderstanding the article. You’re just looking at it from a different perspective.
You should avoid getting friend-zoned. But if your ex asks to be your friend, you can (don’t have to) accept the friendship and keep being your best self. This doesn’t mean you have to be her friend. All it means is that you show her you’re not bitter about it and continue doing what you would do if she wasn’t your friend.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi and thank you sooooooo much for this article! Seriously! Literally everything said is my situation. And I’ll definitely be taking your advice on how to go about the situation for me personally. Thankfully I didn’t do too much damage but I believe I have smothered her. Luckily she’s not impulsive and she likes me and talking to me so I’m not blocked (yet? Loll) But thanks to this article I’m definitely gonna chill, accept that “friend zone” role, come to grips that she may possibly be getting her back blown out as she recovers, (or maybe not which is great too) and just accept that. Now that I know it’s space she need and it’s really about her feelings it’s not like I’ll drop her, if anything I’ve shown her that I cared about her feelings and left her a lot of space… but if I do have to query, shouldn’t I just once in a while say good morning, or not say good morning, but check in and see if she’s having a bad or good day? Basically having me as that friend to vent too. Wish I can chat you one on one about it Zan you seem like just the veteran/expert I should hear more from.
Thank you for this sweet message. As a reader and someone who has also gone through this, don’t be the guy who wants to fix something , anything by just saying hello or whatever you choose to do. Whenever I say I need space for me… I hope someone respects it and if they don’t, it only changes my feelings about the person who now feels like they are “forcing” their way in somehow. It is a basic feeling of, respect my feelings and if you can’t I won’t want you in my life at all. Wait until she reaches out to you. She knows you are there… even as a friend. Don’t ask her to do anything, don’t make any “demands” on her such as just getting a beer or a glass of wine… and don’t say you will come her way or make it easier on her… you already feel like pressure and now she has to find the strength (which she doesn’t have right now) to let you down. It feels horrible and horribly uncaring when a man does this despite knowing you care. If you truly care, let her words and needs mean something. Don’t be the alpha male swooping in to be the hero. You won’t be the hero.
Hi Jeff.
When her child got home, your ex realized that she needs to prioritize herself and spend more time with her child. This is why she first told you that she needs to slow down a bit and date you casually.
As you say, you unintentionally and unknowingly smothered and overwhelmed her in the relationship. Instead of encouraging her independence, you took it away from her (although you only wanted the best for her). The problem, therefore, isn’t with you, Jeff. It’s in the way she perceved you. Had she communicated how she felt, you might have been able to find a common solution before she came to the conclusion that she’s better off on her own.
She was with you for 4 months because the relationship was fresh and she felt excited. But when that excitement waned, she realized she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship and pushed you away to prioritize herself.
I suggest that you go no contact and heal from the end of your relationship. Work on losing hope because your relationship has come to an end. Both of you need some time to yourselves, so don’t call her. You’ll hear from her if she changes her mind about you or if she becomes ready to date.
You were a bit unlocky, Jeff. You got involved with someone who wasn’t ready for anything serious. It was probably her first serious relationship after her separation.
Stay strong!
Zan
Thanks Zan. I appreciate the feed back. As you can imagine it is not what I want to hear, but you are right. I am letting going and accepting it. I am still no contact as is she. I will always have a spot in my heart for her, but I will move on. I have started working out and playing basketball again. Plus I am busy with my jobs and have great coworkers and friends who are there to listen and sometimes advise. It is good not to be alone as they all seem to have a story. Thanks for blogging and providing so much insight. I am seeing a therapist and journaling using the two column CBT technique – this got me towards having a more secure attachment focus. I do have a good life. This breakup just set me back a bit. I hope she works on herself and that one of the positives she learned is that she can be loved and appreciated for her, and that not all men are monsters. I would have loved working through it with her, but that is not in her mental makeup right now. Chears.
Hi Jeff.
You won’t always have a soft spot for her. Eventually (when you detach) and find something/someone else to adore, you’ll quickly take her off the pedestal and realize that she’s not worth the stress. It’s only a matter of time!
Keep working on yourself, Jeff. The more you invest in yourself, the less you’ll need her in your life. Also, stay positive so that you develop a positive mindset and grow from your experience.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan! This article really hit me too! I am in the exact same situation right now with a girl! This article is basically describing literally everything this girl is currently going through! The girl has already mentioned it isn’t because she isn’t interested in me, but because she isn’t interested in anybody due to her past experiences. We’ve been talking for about 4 weeks now. Everything was going great and conversation was really flowing with absolutely no smothering occurring on my part! 4 weeks into the talking she told me that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. It’s not because it’s me. It’s anybody in general she isn’t ready for. It couldn’t have gone any better after she told me this! I successfully avoided trying to convince her, I wasn’t needy with her and I did not smother her. I thanked her for telling me she wasn’t looking for a relationship, I told her I totally understand, and I told her she was an amazing person. She told me thank you I appreciate you understand, which just clearly shows her I’m not needy and desperate. So I told her that maybe when the time was right for her I would still be available, that I appreciated her being open and honest with me and that I recognised we were both on different paths and I understood and respected that. She left a love heart react next to my reply which tells me I have totally done the right thing here and have begun to give her space. This girl gets a lot of messages. They are the ones smothering her. Not me. So thank you so much for this article!
How did It go, did you ever get back with her?
Zan,
I was with someone for 2 years who constantly told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship and relegated me to dating status or sometimes just friends with benefits. Immediately after we “broke up” she’s already in a full blown relationship with someone else. What happened there?
Max
Zan,
I really liked your article. But one thing is bothering me- The same day we kissed each other for the first time she told me she isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship. I understood and respected her decision since we are really good friends and I appreciate her as a person. She started telling me how she doesn’t deserve me, that she will feel uncomfortable in relationship because of her depression and so on. After that she told me not to wait for her. Now she is going on therapy to fix her issues. But here comes the thing that bothers me- if she doesn’t want a relationship, why does she keep posting stories in instagram saying how hot kpop male singers are? In general she is acting slutty when talking about them. Both of us are teens so this posts are normal for girls her age. But that makes me think that if some kpop singer came and offered her a relationship she would accept in seconds without even thinking. Was the depression thing just an excuse not to be with me? What could possibly make her lose attraction towards me that soon? She acted pretty interested after the kiss. I am really confused. I am looking forward for your reply 🙂
Hi Zan,
Your article hits me hard. A couple of months ago I hugged and kissed with a colleague form another company during a business trip, and we connected so well, I thought this could be the beginning of something. She texted me afterwards saying she misses me, and hoped we could meet again soon during another business trip. Until after two weeks she told me her boyfriend broke up with her. I didn’t know anything about a relationship. Turned out they had an on/off relationship for years now.
When I made my feelings clear to her, she told me of course she wasn’t ready for anything else. She offered to be friends. I declined and gave her space. She got back to me a month later, asking how I was. We started chatting again and are going to meet again soon. But I know now, I’m not ready for friendship, and she is not ready yet to move on. I guess it will be our last encounter, but I want to say goodbye in a positive way. I want to show her I respect her situation and do not wish to put any pressure on her, let alone hurt her. It will be hard letting her go.
Bart
Hi Zan,
Great article.
I am going through this with my ex. He is a really wonderful man with a sweet heart, but I keep telling him I am not ready for what he is looking for. We were together for about two years. He went through a rough period, and I lost respect for him. Frankly, I am more emotionally mature and “worldly” than he is. I have more life experience and I am more analytical while he is more emotional. Much more emotional. I understand emotions, I know they are important, but I try really hard not to let them overwhelm me. Sometimes they do, of course, but I am driven by my mind, not my motions.
I also was married for 15 years, which ended up emotionally gut-wrenching. Followed by two abusive relationships. So…. this really sweet guy who is crazy about me and smothered me to the point I couldn’t deal any longer was the nicest person to me since my marriage.
I love him but I am not in love with him. I am also terrified of trusting him or anyone else again. I am working on myself all the d**n time, have been in therapy for YEARS. Seems the harder I work, the more deep I go, the more crap I find to work on. I think I finally know what the root problem is, so I can tackle that now, at least.
No!! I am not ready now!!
How will I know when I am ready to date again?
I wasn’t ready when I met this sweet man, and we are still friends.
SO glad I met him. 😊
Thanks,
Elle
Hi Elle.
You will know you’re ready to be in a committed relationship when you feel ready. It’s really that simple. Once you’ve worked through things holding you back, you’ll become ready to give and receive love.
But until then, focus on you and try to figure out whether it’s this person you couldn’t connect to or if it’s all men because you need more time to yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan, that is a great question! I didn’t think of it that way.
This is a question I need to explore because I have issues I need to conquer so I don’t attract men who are a problem for my attachment and trust issues in the future.
I also am very comfortable being alone, so I am going to taking a whole lot more time to myself.
Thank you for the response!
Elle
Hi Zan,
You have clearly mentioned all the reasons behind saying no for relationship as girl perspective . Currently, I’m facing the same thing but it took me more than 4 relationships to say no and its all because of my first relationship which lasted 4 years. We say no to protect heal solve our things and make sure we are ready for commitment rather than break up.
Thanks Zan, Stay save
Hi Shamma.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Sometimes its best to say no to a relationship than to force it and break a person’s heart later.
Best wishes,
Zan
Why does a dumper need to go through hell to come back?
Hi Xavier.
That’s because otherwise, the dumper usually doesn’t find a reason to come back.
Best wishes,
Zan
Wow, this resonates with me because, I was dating a woman who was divorced from an emotionally abusive man. At first, she told me she was totally in love with me and that she never had feelings so strong before in her life. She would constantly want to be with me. Then one evening, she suddenly, without warning told me she was crazy to think she was ready for a relationship and broke up with me. Zan, do you think this situation applies here?
Hi Timmy.
Unfortunately, the girl you were seeing was not ready to date yet. She was probably afraid of getting involved with someone new so quickly and needed more time to resolve her traumas.
I wish you all the best!
Zan
I agree with Zan. I’m also divorced from a cheating abuser, I took a few years off from dating to heal. I don’t have a problem getting close to people who are patient and willing to build trust with me. The only difficulty I have, I believe, is managing my children situation with potential mates at this point. If I had began dating earlier, I believe I would have easily had a freak out and bailed as well. I’m guessing your lady hasn’t dealt with all of her “stuff” yet, and it’s tough!
Thank you Zan for the article! That’s why I’m choosing to heal and not involve any other person.
I think it’s best way this way…
stay safe, Linda xx
Thanks again, Linda.
Healing is the dumpee’s priority. I’m glad it’s yours too.
Best,
Zan
Hi,
I came across your article because I’m going through a similar experience and alot of what you say makes alot of sense. It’s opened my eyes on the subject and made me understand this girl a little more. I met her about 6 months ago through a mutual friend, and my feelings for her started to increase as we got to know eachother (both in group settings as well as one on one). One night we went out as a group and all our friends thought she was exhibiting some signs that she liked me and so did I. We were quite good friends at this point so I decided to ask her out the next day. She didn’t give an answer straightaway, she asked for a few days to think about it. Then after a couple days she told me she wasn’t emotionally ready for anything, and if we were to start something, it would end badly (just like you say in your article). . I respected that, but also I noticed she didn’t actually say she wasn’t interested in me. One important note is that neither of us have ever been in any relationship and we’ve both gone to single-sex schools so neither of us have very much experience with anything to do with relationships. However after this rejection we continued to get closer and she continued exhibiting alot of signs, to the point that alot of strangers thought we were a couple etcc. It got to the point where we were texting / calling /voicenoting everyday. I could feel something there still. At this point, I think I had fallen in love with her. But because there were still so many signs, I decided to have another chat with her because she was sending all these mixed signals, and I asked her to clear things up because I was getting confused and uncertain. This time, she told me she didn’t see me that way. And we ended things well, we decided to give eachother some space, and I went through quite a rough patch processing all this because this time she actually told me she didn’t like me like that and it hurt alot. Because we had shared so much with eachother, i thought that meant something. The point of the second chat aswell was to let her know if she had any feelings for me (due to all the signs) I would wait for her, and thats what I told her. But after reading your article, I feel that is no longer wise to do / offer her, both for her and I. I wanted to know whether you have any thoughts on this situation? Thanks in advance
Hi Anthony.
It’s clear she isn’t ready for a new relationship. She needs to focus on herself rather than another person. Yes, she tried to connect wth you and probably did, but it didn’t last because she felt overwhelmed. Emotionally, she needs more time to process whatever she needs to process. Don’t force her to feel something for you. Her behavior shows she’s unreceptive to the idea of dating.
I wouldn’t wait for her if I were you. There’s no guarantee she’ll choose you when she’s ready to date.
You need to show her you’re not waiting, Anthony. This will make her feel less pressured and make you look more attractive.
Best,
Zan