She Says She’s Not Emotionally Ready For A Relationship

When a girl says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship, you should listen to her. She’s trying to warn you that getting involved with her is a bad idea and that it’s going to have catastrophic consequences.

It’s going to make you (the more attached person with higher expectations) regret investing in her and leave you upset. You might even experience the fear of abandonment and separation anxiety. It really depends on how invested you are in her.

If you’re very invested and you love her to bits, you’ll most likely suffer. You’ll feel unpleasant feelings of rejection and as a result, want her to love you even more.

And if you’re not that invested in her as you haven’t had feelings for her for a very long time, then you’ll likely take it to the chin and accept her decision. You’ll be okay with her rejection and focus on finding someone who will want to be with you.

That’s why a girl who tells you she’s not emotionally ready is actually being very honest with you. She’s expressing to you that her mentality and feelings are off and that she isn’t able to give and receive love.

She can’t because she isn’t in a place to do so. She’s somehow stuck in the past, pondering over one of her recent relationships. Maybe even two if she got in a rebound shortly after her breakup.

The indisputable truth is that if a girl tells you she’s not emotionally ready, she really means it. Something didn’t turn out the way she’d imagined, so she now needs time to process her failures and regain her independence.

Her love tank is unfortunately empty and she can’t refill it no matter how endearing you are and how much you love her.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, you, therefore can’t make this girl fall for you because she doesn’t:

  1. Want to fall for you
  2. Feel love for you

She may feel attracted to you and likes you as a person, but she definitely can’t be with you until she lets go of the past that haunts her and regains her faith in relationships.

This article is for those romantics who’d met a girl or a woman who says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship.

She's not emotionally ready for a relationship

She says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship yet

If you want a relationship with a girl who tells you that she’s not ready for one, it would be extremely wise not to push the girl against her will and coerce her to commit to you.

Not only would such needy actions make you look selfish, insecure, and possessive, but they’d also tell the girl that you don’t really care about her inability to reciprocate your feelings.

They’d tell her that all you care about are your feelings and that her feelings, suggestions, and ideas don’t matter the slightest.

And when she comprehends that you don’t care about her feelings, she’ll refuse to give you what you want and instinctually push you away and distance herself from you.

She’ll do this out of suffocation and self-respect—and likely start making excuses not to see you and go out with you. How she treats you strongly depends on how much much you smother her and what she’s like as a person.

For example, if she’s the impulsive type, she’ll probably remove you off social media and block you. She’ll do anything to protect herself from being forced to overinvest in you.

On the other hand, if she’s in control of her actions and reactions, she’ll likely respond maturely and keep you at a distance nonetheless.

There’s no telling what a smothered girl will do because every person’s different. But one thing that’s certain is that she’ll lower her romantic respect for you and feel even less attracted to you than before you attempted to win her over.

So try not to pull off a grand romantic gesture because (as she said) she’s not emotionally ready for one. If she were ready, her words and actions would depict affection for you.

She’d appear receptive to relationship topics and would likely express the desire to get to know you and commit to you.

If you’re wondering, “Why isn’t she emotionally ready for a relationship,” this picture will provide you with some information.

Why isn't she emotionally ready for a relationship

What to do when she says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship?

Now that you know what not to do if she’s not ready for a relationship, let’s look at the things you should be doing.

First and foremost, give her space and freedom to be in charge of her life. As simple and self-explanatory as that may seem, you’d be surprised how many men tend to act “alpha” and try to take control of the situation.

They show “their” unavailable girl their manly powers and try to sweep her of her feet.

But the truth is that most men don’t possess the capabilities to charm a girl who’s incapable of loving.

They can’t do it because the girl’s love is not dependent on them. It’s dependent on the girl’s emotional readiness and her ability to process past experiences.

She’s the one who went through something shocking in the past and not the guys who are trying to court her. That’s why guys need to understand that a girl who doesn’t want to love, doesn’t want to love for a reason.

That reason is that her current relationship mentality is not appropriate for a serious relationship. It’s still processing pain, insecurities, and possibly even trust issues—and is still looking for ways to solve them.

Here are few possible reasons why a girl isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship yet:

  • She recently left her abusive/toxic/narcissistic partner
  • Her previous partner treated her badly
  • She’s convinced that relationships aren’t her forte
  • She doesn’t want to commit or wants to stay polygamous for validation and emotional or sexual gratification
  • The girl’s afraid of getting hurt
  • She’s looking for a very specific kind of person that she could attach to and benefit from

When you’ve given the girl you like some space to breathe, you have to continue to avoid relationship/commitment topics and give her enough time for her to:

  1. Put her distressing experiences behind her
  2. Increase her interest in you
  3. Find a motive to be with you

One way for you to help the girl invest in you is to confidently accept the friendzone and continue to be your best self. You needn’t be afraid that she’ll leave you, find someone else. and that you’ll lose her forever.

The truth is that she’s not even your partner right now, so try not to make it seem that you are.

Be the best version of yourself instead and behave selflessly. By doing so, you’ll free her from various requirements and obligations and consequently, allow her to feel as great as she can around you.

And once she’s processed her past and realized that you’re actually a decent person, her love and respect for you could potentially increase.

But for now, you have to appear secure and respect this person’s wishes.

How long could it take before she’s emotionally ready for a relationship?

Nobody really knows how long it could take a girl with a poor relationship mentality and commitment issues to naturally process everything.

It really depends on her coping mechanisms and on whether she’s working on herself. If she’s getting professional help and she’s strong enough to leave her past events behind, she might get over it in a matter of months.

She could accept her past, soften the pain, and gradually get over her fears.

But if she isn’t doing anything about it and she stopped caring about self-improvement, then it could take this girl a very long time to be vulnerable again. I have no idea how long it could take, but if I had to guess, I’d say at least a year.

She’d need to forget about her experiences with the help of time alone—as time does heal wounds. But after she’s healed, she’d be at great risk of regression.

Especially if her thoughts during the recovery period aren’t very positive. She could essentially carry on with a poor relationship mentality and enter a new relationship with poor willpower.

That’s why you can never put too much hope on a girl who’s not sure about herself and lacks the drive to grow. If she isn’t deliberately working on improving her thoughts and feelings, you may be better off finding someone who will.

Friends and benefits with a girl who won’t commit

If you’re friends with benefits with a girl you like, simply continue to be friends with benefits. Don’t complain about how she’s being unfair and inconsiderate of your feelings.

She doesn’t want to hear any of that.

As we said before, it’s not about your feelings right now. It’s about hers—and she wants to keep it that way.

Besides, you’re not in a committed relationship with her so you need to behave that way too. Don’t guilt-trip her or do anything that forces her against her will.

When (and if) this girl gets attached to you, you will be the first to know about it. Your absence will affect her and she’ll want to spend more and more time with you.

Just make sure you don’t overinvest in this person because (as you now know) she may take her a very long time before she’s ready. And my guess is that you don’t want to stay hungry for her love forever.

You have a life of your own to live.

Moreover, she might eventually start dating another person (or a few) and that could make you feel insecure. So make sure you date this person with low expectations or you could end up seriously hurt.

Should you give up on a girl who can’t love you or has commitment issues?

I can’t decide for you and tell you exactly what to do, but I can give you some general advice that may come in useful.

That said, I see two options for you to choose from:

  1. If you have a crush on a girl and her lack of affection doesn’t hurt you, simply continue to hang out with her. Plan non-romantic experiences, be her friend, and show her you respect her. By doing so, you will likely be the first person in the queue for her to date once she’s finally ready to date.
  2. However, if seeing this girl hurts you and starves you for intimacy, it may be in your best interest to distance yourself from her and get her out of your system. As a rule of thumb, you should never put yourself through torture for a girl who doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. Your physical and emotional health is too valuable for that. This is true whether this girl is your friend, a friend with benefits, or an ex. It doesn’t matter who she is because she’s not worth the uncertainty.

I hope this article’s given you some useful tips on how to deal with a girl who says she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship. If it did, I’d like to hear what your next step is. Comment below the post.

14 thoughts on “She Says She’s Not Emotionally Ready For A Relationship”

  1. Zan,
    I really liked your article. But one thing is bothering me- The same day we kissed each other for the first time she told me she isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship. I understood and respected her decision since we are really good friends and I appreciate her as a person. She started telling me how she doesn’t deserve me, that she will feel uncomfortable in relationship because of her depression and so on. After that she told me not to wait for her. Now she is going on therapy to fix her issues. But here comes the thing that bothers me- if she doesn’t want a relationship, why does she keep posting stories in instagram saying how hot kpop male singers are? In general she is acting slutty when talking about them. Both of us are teens so this posts are normal for girls her age. But that makes me think that if some kpop singer came and offered her a relationship she would accept in seconds without even thinking. Was the depression thing just an excuse not to be with me? What could possibly make her lose attraction towards me that soon? She acted pretty interested after the kiss. I am really confused. I am looking forward for your reply 🙂

  2. Hi Zan,

    Your article hits me hard. A couple of months ago I hugged and kissed with a colleague form another company during a business trip, and we connected so well, I thought this could be the beginning of something. She texted me afterwards saying she misses me, and hoped we could meet again soon during another business trip. Until after two weeks she told me her boyfriend broke up with her. I didn’t know anything about a relationship. Turned out they had an on/off relationship for years now.

    When I made my feelings clear to her, she told me of course she wasn’t ready for anything else. She offered to be friends. I declined and gave her space. She got back to me a month later, asking how I was. We started chatting again and are going to meet again soon. But I know now, I’m not ready for friendship, and she is not ready yet to move on. I guess it will be our last encounter, but I want to say goodbye in a positive way. I want to show her I respect her situation and do not wish to put any pressure on her, let alone hurt her. It will be hard letting her go.


  3. Hi Zan,

    Great article.

    I am going through this with my ex. He is a really wonderful man with a sweet heart, but I keep telling him I am not ready for what he is looking for. We were together for about two years. He went through a rough period, and I lost respect for him. Frankly, I am more emotionally mature and “worldly” than he is. I have more life experience and I am more analytical while he is more emotional. Much more emotional. I understand emotions, I know they are important, but I try really hard not to let them overwhelm me. Sometimes they do, of course, but I am driven by my mind, not my motions.

    I also was married for 15 years, which ended up emotionally gut-wrenching. Followed by two abusive relationships. So…. this really sweet guy who is crazy about me and smothered me to the point I couldn’t deal any longer was the nicest person to me since my marriage.

    I love him but I am not in love with him. I am also terrified of trusting him or anyone else again. I am working on myself all the d**n time, have been in therapy for YEARS. Seems the harder I work, the more deep I go, the more crap I find to work on. I think I finally know what the root problem is, so I can tackle that now, at least.

    No!! I am not ready now!!
    How will I know when I am ready to date again?
    I wasn’t ready when I met this sweet man, and we are still friends.
    SO glad I met him. 😊


    1. Hi Elle.

      You will know you’re ready to be in a committed relationship when you feel ready. It’s really that simple. Once you’ve worked through things holding you back, you’ll become ready to give and receive love.

      But until then, focus on you and try to figure out whether it’s this person you couldn’t connect to or if it’s all men because you need more time to yourself.

      Kind regards,

      1. Thank you Zan, that is a great question! I didn’t think of it that way.

        This is a question I need to explore because I have issues I need to conquer so I don’t attract men who are a problem for my attachment and trust issues in the future.

        I also am very comfortable being alone, so I am going to taking a whole lot more time to myself.

        Thank you for the response!


  4. Hi Zan,

    You have clearly mentioned all the reasons behind saying no for relationship as girl perspective . Currently, I’m facing the same thing but it took me more than 4 relationships to say no and its all because of my first relationship which lasted 4 years. We say no to protect heal solve our things and make sure we are ready for commitment rather than break up.

    Thanks Zan, Stay save

    1. Hi Shamma.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Sometimes its best to say no to a relationship than to force it and break a person’s heart later.

      Best wishes,

  5. Wow, this resonates with me because, I was dating a woman who was divorced from an emotionally abusive man. At first, she told me she was totally in love with me and that she never had feelings so strong before in her life. She would constantly want to be with me. Then one evening, she suddenly, without warning told me she was crazy to think she was ready for a relationship and broke up with me. Zan, do you think this situation applies here?

    1. Hi Timmy.

      Unfortunately, the girl you were seeing was not ready to date yet. She was probably afraid of getting involved with someone new so quickly and needed more time to resolve her traumas.

      I wish you all the best!

    2. I agree with Zan. I’m also divorced from a cheating abuser, I took a few years off from dating to heal. I don’t have a problem getting close to people who are patient and willing to build trust with me. The only difficulty I have, I believe, is managing my children situation with potential mates at this point. If I had began dating earlier, I believe I would have easily had a freak out and bailed as well. I’m guessing your lady hasn’t dealt with all of her “stuff” yet, and it’s tough!

  6. Thank you Zan for the article! That’s why I’m choosing to heal and not involve any other person.
    I think it’s best way this way…
    stay safe, Linda xx

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