Updated on August 27, 2025
Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years?
If you are, that’s perfectly normal. Some people still have feelings for an ex they dated over 20 years ago. Some have feelings even for people from 30 or 40 years ago. Time may pass, but it doesn’t change their perception of their ex, their happiness, and their nostalgia.
If they’re not happy or as happy as they think they could be if they were with their ex, they often compare their current life to the life they had with their ex, and by doing so, reinforce their negative beliefs and nostalgia. They convince themselves that their ex is the best they ever dated and that they’re meant only for one person – their ex.
Such convictions limit them from developing healthy connections with other people, as they constantly tell them they’re wasting their time on people they have nothing in common with.
Obsession with an ex is a serious and common matter. But it’s not that common after 20 years of breaking up. Most people eventually change how they see their ex and meet people who are better than their ex. They’re better simply because they had more time and opportunities to learn relationship lessons and mature. Every partner should be better than the previous one in terms of self-development and compatibility, provided you invest in yourself and discover what kind of people work best for you.
When you break up, you should reflect and determine what went wrong. Once you’ve realized your and your ex’s mistakes and personality clashes, you should avoid certain people and prevent unhealthy behaviors from repeating themselves.
So if you love an ex from the distant past, remember that it may be due to a few possible reasons:
- You haven’t let go of your ex yet. You held on to your ex, thinking your ex would eventually come back.
- You haven’t found happiness with someone else or on your own. Things haven’t been going well for you.
- Something or someone recently triggered your nostalgia and made you reminisce about the old times. It could have been another breakup or simply a bad day.
Whatever the case may be, you still love your ex after 20 years because you haven’t been very successful in your personal and/or romantic life. You’ve probably been looking for a replacement for your ex rather than an upgrade. That implies you’ve been waiting for someone like your ex to come into your life and, by doing so, sabotaged your romantic expectations and detachment from your ex.
It’s hard to detach and heal when you constantly remind yourself that there’s no point in looking for or accepting people who look, talk, or act differently from your ex. If you give up on dating because you don’t think any other person is good enough for you, you have an obsession problem. Your mind is stuck on someone who hurt you deeply and, through pain, jumped on a pedestal and convinced you that you aren’t worthy of his or her love and commitment.
It’s not that your ex is a one-of-a-kind pony, but that you placed your ex high up on a pedestal and convinced yourself he or she was irreplaceable. Your love for your ex after 2 decades is your own doing. You made your ex into the best person ever by giving him or her tons of importance. In the process, you stripped yourself of your own value and made it impossible to fully move on and find joy without your ex.
What you must understand is that you don’t just miss your ex’s personality. That’s a part of it, but what you want to re-experience more than anything is the comfort, validation, and familiarity your ex once gave you. You want to relive the good moments from the past, even though those moments preceded the bad ones.
Your brain remembers mainly the good aspects of the past and ignores all the problems, the loss of feelings, and post-breakup behavior.
That means you’re thinking with your emotions, not your brain—and that you need to change your approach if you want your fixation with your ex to fade. You must start thinking rationally and learn that your ex is no good for you. He or she lasted this long in your head and heart because of the thoughts you entertained and the feelings you felt.
It’s time to break that pattern and become emotionally independent.
Today, we’ll talk about what to do if you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years or longer.
Why do I still love my ex after 20 years?
A lot can happen in 1 year, let alone in 10 or 20. You’ve both probably changed a lot and become different people. Personality-wise, you’re probably similar to some degree, but you’ve dated other people, achieved various goals, and lived life on your terms.
Differences aren’t necessarily a bad thing, as they likely attracted you to each other in the first place. But despite that, you might not be a good romantic fit. That’s especially likely to be the case if you became guarded over the years or refused to adapt and grow. Many ex-couples drift further apart and refuse to change in ways they need to. They prefer to blame others for their unhappiness and failures and stay as they are maturity-wise.
Only self-aware ex-couples actually think about what went wrong and try to fix it so they can have a better relationship with their future partner.
Whether your ex has changed for the better is impossible for me to say. But if your ex has been dumping people left and right, your ex probably hasn’t been forced to evolve. He or she has been maintaining relationships the same way as before and failing to learn the lessons he or she needed to learn.
You don’t love your ex because your ex is the only person on the planet who can make you happy. You love your ex because you suffered a painful shock and never got over it. Instead of working through your feelings, you reacted to them and stayed attached to your ex. This means you kept hoping your ex would fail to find happiness without you and come back to invest in a future with you.
It’s okay to have hope for reconciliation for a year or even two if the relationship was intense and the breakup traumatized you. But it’s not okay to stay hopeful for years, especially decades. If you continue to worship the ground your ex walks on for years after the breakup, you have no one but yourself to blame. You’re hurting yourself deliberately and need to take back control.
It’s in your best interest to discover that you still love your ex after 20 years because you’ve been fueling your ex-obsession rather than ending it. Your thoughts and emotions kept your cravings strong and made it impossible for you to find joy and purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
We could say you wasted a lot of your feelings on your ex. Maybe you didn’t obsess for 20 years every day straight, but your lack of action certainly didn’t help. It allowed you to keep thinking positively about your ex and prevented you from connecting with others. If you built a strong connection with someone new after processing the breakup, your ex wouldn’t stay on your mind. You simply wouldn’t have a reason to—because the new person would be meeting your emotional needs.
That’s why it’s important to understand that your obsession with your ex doesn’t come from your ex’s actual value, but from the value you’ve given to your ex. You’ve associated a lot of romantic potential with your ex and, as a result, regretted breaking up with him or her all this time. You wish things had never ended and that your ex could save you from misery.
Speaking about misery, you see your ex as your savior – someone who can pull you away from your unhappiness, self-pity, and regret. You want your ex to take your pain away and hide the lack of success and happiness you failed to secure for yourself during all these years. You’re not doing what you need to be truly happy without your ex.
I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but if you’re unhappy and nostalgic because you haven’t had much romantic success with other people, that’s not something your ex can or should help you with. You should help yourself by getting over the rejection/failure and improving your self-worth. Your ex probably won’t find you attractive and want to get to know you if he or she senses that you’re miserable and need saving.
If you’re married or in a relationship with someone, you may be craving your ex’s love because you’re not happy or as happy as you want to be. You’re either taking your partner for granted and forgetting that all relationships have ups and downs, or doing something to compare your partner to your ex. You may be talking to your ex, looking at your ex’s happy social media pictures, or focusing on your partner’s negative traits.
You need to stop doing that and focus on regaining your emotional independence. You mustn’t let the ghost of your ex control you and bring you down. You’ve done that long enough. Now is the time to detach from your ex once and for all and get your ex out of your head.
Don’t forget that the breakup happened for a reason. Whether you didn’t get along, broke up due to depression or disapproving parents, took each other for granted, or someone cheated, the relationship couldn’t continue to exist. It had to end to make you both focus on your own happiness and goals. You need to remember that, so you don’t idealize your ex and the relationship.
Remind yourself that things weren’t working back then for one or both parties and that you had no choice but to go your separate ways. You had to find a way to be happy without each other. If you found it for a while, but regressed later, you must find it once more. Don’t count on your ex to make your life better. If you pin your hopes on your ex, you’ll put your ex in charge of your happiness and suffer immensely if or when you learn that your ex doesn’t want you back.
It’s extremely important to rely on yourself and your loved ones for happiness. Your ex can’t help you in ways you want him or her to. Not unless your ex redevelops feelings and asks to get back together. It’s not impossible, but if it hasn’t happened in 20 years, it’s probably better to put your energy into building your own happiness instead of waiting on your ex.
Waiting keeps you emotionally dependent and stuck in the past.
So remember that you still love your ex after 20 years because something’s missing in your life. Whether it’s detachment, happiness, self-love, life/relationship goals, a functional relationship, or anything that gives your life meaning, you need to get it before you attempt to reconcile with your ex. You need to be complete as a person before you bring another person into your life.
Another person can’t give you what you want or need. And even if he/she can, it will hurt you badly if a breakup happens, and you need to once again rely on yourself for basic human needs. Self-reliance is the solution to your pain and longing.
Having said that, here’s why you still love your ex after 20 years.
It doesn’t matter if you messed up (more than your ex) and caused the breakup. You have to forgive yourself, let go emotionally, and take your lessons into the next relationship. By doing so, you free yourself from the reminders of your failures, your ex’s abandonment, unprocessed pain, and the temptation to impress your ex and get another chance.
There are many things you can do if you still love your ex after 20 years. But one of the most important ones includes getting rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. This includes gifts such as jewelry, letters, and pictures. Once you’ve gotten rid of things that trigger nostalgia, anxiety, or negative thoughts and self-blame, it’s time to change your perception of your ex.
By changing how you think about your ex, you’ll stop craving your ex and stop caring about how your ex thinks and feels about you. You’ll be okay without your ex’s validation because you’ll know your true worth.
To speed up the process, you should stay super busy with your life. Focus on work, talk to friends, meet new people, and stay physically active. That way, you’ll enjoy your life to the fullest and have no time to think about the things that are missing in your life. You won’t even feel that anything’s missing because you’ll feel complete on your own.
You might not be in a relationship at the moment, but that’s okay because you need to prioritize your personal life over romantic cravings. Once you’re happy with who you are and what you’ve accomplished, you can probably add another person to your life. You won’t struggle to love yourself if something goes wrong.
You deserve better than to constantly think about an ex you dated 20 years ago and to crave his or her acceptance and affection. You deserve peace of mind.
The best way to achieve it is to reassess your ex’s romantic value and permanently close that chapter of your life. If you’re talking to your ex, you must stop doing so. Every time you converse, old feelings come rushing back. You relive the breakup, especially if your ex rejects you or shows interest in seeing/getting serious with someone else.
How to make your ex love you if it’s been years?
If you recently got back in touch with your ex and your ex is single, you don’t have to resort to magic spells to get your ex back. Spells and curses don’t work anyway. They just make you look crazy and obsessed.
You and your ex have to like each other and be on the same wavelength in order to reconnect as romantic partners. The only way for you to know if you feel the same way about each other is to get back in touch and see how your ex thinks and feels. If your ex dumped you, you should be very careful because you don’t want to get rejected again. You still have feelings, so talking and bonding are very dangerous.
You should preferably let your ex talk to you and invite you out first. If your ex doesn’t do that, your ex likely doesn’t want you back romantically. He or she probably just wants to be your friend. If you get the feeling that your ex genuinely wants to hang out and get to know you again, continue to be the best version of yourself and show that you can make him or her happy. Your ex will either like you, not like you, or be open-minded enough to get to like you. If your ex has no intention of reconnecting, you’ll find out very quickly.
That will be your sign to stop interacting with your ex and permanently leave your ex behind.
There are no magic tricks when it comes to reattracting your ex. The only technique you should use is the technique that presents you in the most attractive light. You impressed your ex before, so chances are that you’ll do it again. Of course, it won’t happen through jealousy games and manipulation, but by being your genuine self.
Just keep in mind that how your ex perceives you and what he or she feels toward you when you talk or meet up is completely out of your control.
For example, if your ex isn’t ready for a new relationship or feels disgusted by you—your ex obviously won’t like you. He or she will come up with excuses not to see you and continue to live his or her life without you.
If you keep texting and calling after that, your ex might even start ignoring you and decide to block you. So have some self-respect and don’t let your ex reject you over and over again. 20 years or not, you must back off when your ex shows no interest in getting close to you.
Remember that you can’t make someone love you by force. A person will fall in love with you when he or she engages in reflection and realizes your romantic worth. That’s when that person will initiate conversations, show interest in your life by asking you questions, and try to reconcile as quickly as possible.
A person who misses you and wants your love will chase your attention and validation even if it’s been 20 years. Don’t forget that.
What do I do if my ex doesn’t love me back?
If your ex doesn’t love you and/or wants to stay friends with you, it’d be wise not to continue to engage in conversation with your ex.
Don’t try to be “a good person” and stay friends with your ex just to keep your ex in your life. As long as you crave your ex’s love and attention, your ex will continue to starve you for validation and delay the time it takes for you to get rid of your romantic feelings.
Not only that.
Your ex will unintentionally put you through an emotional rollercoaster by using the push-pull technique on you. Your ex will likely talk to you one moment and then ignore you the next—and by doing so, make you hungry for love and recognition.
But when your ex pulls you in and sees that you want more, your ex will suddenly pull away and maybe even start dating someone else. That’s when your nostalgic cravings for your ex will increase so much that you’ll start to feel the pain of rejection—and crave your ex even more.
So if you truly love yourself and know what’s good for you, don’t put yourself through more pain and confusion. Don’t beg and plead and lower your self-worth. You deserve better than what your ex has to offer. You deserve someone who sees your worth and commits to you long-term.
As long as your ex doesn’t see your worth, your top priority is to focus on yourself and get your happy self back. Like I mentioned before, if you aren’t happy on your own, your ex or other people won’t want to be with you. They’ll find you emotionally exhausting and choose to stay away from you for their own sake.
How can I stop loving my ex?
If you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years and your ex rejected you or you’re married/in a relationship, the best way for you to stop loving your ex is to take the following measures:
- Disconnect from your ex and stop all contact.
- Find the reason why you still love your ex after so many years.
- Once you’ve found that reason, start working on your internal happiness. Become happy with yourself again and find your passion and zest for life. Seek professional help if you have to. Do whatever it takes to change your mindset and, consequently, your feelings.
If you seriously focus on moving past your ex—and most importantly, on finding yourself again, I guarantee that you’ll fall out of love with your ex.
You’ll become so busy with bettering your emotional well-being that you won’t think about people from the past anymore. You’ll worry about loving yourself and not about an ex from decades ago. Also, finding a new person to love will help tremendously. You’ll leave your ex behind for good when you find someone to connect with and feel understood by.
A new romantic interest will help you forget about your ex and feel in control of your life. Since it’s been 20 years, you probably won’t rebound. The new person will simply take your mind off your ex (distract you) and show you that there are plenty of compatible partners for you out there. They’re around you already—you just need to be open-minded and give people a chance.
Don’t be afraid of opening up to people just because the relationship with your ex or people after your ex didn’t work out. Relationships often fail, but that’s a reason to improve yourself and find people with whom you see eye to eye.
You’ll stop loving your ex when you recognize that your ex wasn’t very special and that you made him or her special by putting on your rose-tinted glasses and giving him or her too much importance. You’re probably not acknowledging all the times your ex hurt you and failed to meet your expectations.
If you get back with your ex, you’ll soon realize that your ex has the same or similar flaws and that you didn’t miss them one bit. You miss your ex mainly because you no longer have your ex in your romantic life, and think that your ex can put your life back on track.
Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years? How did you handle your feelings for so long? Post your breakup experience in the comments below.
However, if you want personalized advice about your ex, consider subscribing to coaching and reaching out directly. We’ll take a closer look at your relationship and breakup and come up with a plan together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
God I feel ridiculous being on this page. I thing I need help. It’s been at least 15 years and I thing of her almost everyday. Couple months ago ran into her in an IKEA store. Either she didnt recognize me or just wanted to escape from me as she did. What are the odds? I believe that nothing happens randomly… The worst is that the girl with who I am today and have to kids is a girl with who I cheated on my ex long time ago. I feel I should call her and talk, maybe that would help me move on or is just gonna make it worse?
Hi Junior.
There’s no shame in having feelings for someone for many years. But if you mean that you cheated on this person with your current partner, then your feelings go deeper than you may think. You also feel guilty, responsible for the outcome and wish to redeem yourself in her eyes. Since she isn’t being receptive to you, I strongly suggest that you find a way to forgive yourself without her help, Junior. I know it’s not easy, but you have to accept the past and express gratitude to your current partner. This is how you’ll get over this ordeal once and for all.
Sincerely,
Zan
We broke up 28 years ago. Not due to lack of love or connectedness, but because he was 3,400 kilometers away and had moved back to his family base to get further education. We had tried long distance but this was before internet; Skype and zoom, insta may have made things easier. I started making plans to move to his location. He said “I’d hate to live to regret you being here”. He’d had a previous girlfriend who moved to be with him and it hadn’t turned out. He described to me that his focus was on his education and that if I did move that it had to be because I wanted to be at that place. I got an interview with a job there but didn’t get it – the hire said astutely that it seemed I was just after a job there, not that particular job. I decided to let fate decide my course and applied for post-grad courses around the country, but I didn’t get an offer. The last time I boarded the plane back home was very hard for us. I can still see his trembling lip. We spoke once more via phone on his birthday where he said I was “pitiful” for sending a generic birthday card to him, and telling me I should only have listened to him, not one of his friends who had told me my ex had needed to let me go.
I had had boyfriends before, and had one since (a son resulting) but none filled my heart or complete soul the way he did. We seemed to have a telepathic connection; we could tap into each others minds. I still feel his spirit around me.
Love like this doesn’t die. It stays to sometimes comfort me, sometimes to tear out my heart all over again. I worry about whether he is alive, and well, and whether he has found his soul companion he truly deserves. He’s not on social media, his family home (which he said he would never allow to be sold) sold 5 years ago.
Physics String Theory says there are multiple concurrent universes
I’m sure there is one universe out there that has our story. I’ve glimpsed snippets of it
And it must be true – we saw the sum’s green ray.
I should note – no I won’t contact him, he has his own life to live, re: the worry, he had a large melanoma on upper arm that was being “experimented on re: new medications” when we parted, and the last phone call – he rang me (he had tracked down my parents’ details).
And yes, my life is pretty full. He was just so special to me.
Hi Karen.
Sorry for my late response.
You’re looking at your relationship with this person through rose-tinted glasses. You’re focusing on the good things and feel very nostalgic about them. You crave to feel those strong emotions from the past because you went through a lot back then. You may not remember, but your brain does. You’ve made those memories very important to you and now dwell on them.
Part of that likely has to do with the fact that you aren’t happy with someone right now, but the biggest issue is that you keep repeating to yourself how good a connection you had with your ex. Because of this, you’ve made your ex into your soulmate even though he’s a completely different person now.
Lots of people feel the way you do, Karen. Oftentimes, those who get broken up with for the first time or those who were in a codependent relationship feel this way. They believe that the person they were with is the best for them because they keep thinking and thinking about him/her for so long that that person becomes the best even if he or she isn’t.
I know my comment contradicts your beliefs, but this is a more rational explanation, wouldn’t you agree? Let me know what you think.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks for replying to me. My rational, scientific mind agrees with what you say.
My other, instinctive, innate mind (the one linking me to the environment) experiences it differently.
An update.
I thought he might have died as I couldn’t find him on LinkedIn or FB.
Then one night I had an extraordinary, disquieting experience as I had a full, realistic ‘vision’ (I can even describe the room etc) of him as he is now – not then – incredibly distraught over something (I don’t know what).
It was too real.
… yes you guessed it, I started looking for him.
A few of us did actually as I was assisting someone getting our 28 yr reunion of a project team together.
And I found him on FB. He looks the same. Still seems to have the same interests as he did all those years ago.
I messaged him explaining I was contacting him because we were planning the reunion, but also saying I needed to know he was OK.
He’s read the message, but hasn’t responded via text.
But I did get 3 prank phone calls (we all used to prank each other in the project) with a suspiciously familiar male voice – the first just 2 days after I sent the message.
I have had a few more ‘visions’, they are just random, but seem to occur when eg his emotions are heightened – either fantastic or despairing.
As I have a scientific background, my rational brain dismisses lots of things.
But there is something less able to be explained that seems to exist as well.
Time will provide answers, or not.
❤🧡💛💚
I should also mention – the realistic image was of him distraught from a kind of overwhelming grief, in a bathroom of all places. And I can map out exactly what the bathroom looks like. Too real, too disquieting.
Hi Karen.
It seems that you’re looking for various supernatural explanations because you don’t have any rational ones. I think you’re dreaming about him because you’ve been thinking about him so much. What your mind ruminates about and what kind of emotions it produces essentially determines how you feel about him and when you dream about him.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Kindly let me know if he responds.
Best regards,
Zan
Exactly 20 years ago I locked eyes with a stranger across the room and my life would never be the same. If I had known that first conversation at a crowded and noisy house party would lead to a lifetime of sadness, I would have run. I suppose I could say that I was lucky to have found love, but I am sad that it was with the wrong person and the wrong timing. While it is true that the pain dulls and the memory fades over time, for some reason I can never completely get this man out of my head and am certain I never will.
I loved him with all of my heart. I have never been so infatuated with someone in my whole life. He could make me gleeful and joyful with just one word or one look. My love burned so much for him that it consumed me. I wanted to be the mother of his children and I was willing to give up everything for him. I was even willing to give up my identity and beliefs. At the end of our relationship I nearly almost did and remember day-dreaming about how my life would be living half-truths and giving up my career and my dreams. But I just couldn’t do it…
The phone call where I officially ended it once and for all was among the most heart-wrenching and terrible experiences of my life. I remember laying on the floor of my room…. Crying endlessly for what felt like hours. Obviously I questioned my decision for months… years… and much of the last two decades. It was the promise of fulfilling my calling in life that got me through that very dark time and allowed me to move forward.
Here I am now at the peak of my career and doing exactly what I set out to do with my life. I have everything someone could wish for – a beautiful and loving marriage, a wonderful child, a fantastic career and a comfortable life. I have everything I ever wanted and yet I still don’t have him. His love is the only thing that I will never have. No one told me it would be like this. No one told me that I would be sitting here in my beautiful life still missing him and having tears stream down my face.
Living through a pandemic puts a lot of things in perspective. It forces you to sit with your feelings and reconcile with the decisions you’ve made in your life. If I had to go back, I am not sure if I would have made a different choice, but I might have. That is the part that hurts the most – the regret.
I still love him and I will always love him. I am sure we have both changed into very different people, but I would give anything to have another conversation. To catch up and chat at some point about life and how things turned out for us. Maybe to get some closure and to take him down from the pedestal he has always been on for me. But maybe I wouldn’t get the closure and I would be even more heartbroken than I am now and that is the scary thing. My love for him was so intense that I’m scared I would lose everything to try to be with him again.
When we broke up and he met someone else, he felt out of fairness to her, that we must never speak again. I remember feeling at that moment he may as well have stabbed me in the chest – the pain hurt so badly. But, I’ve never forced the issue. I do remember sending a few sorrowful emails initially without a reply, and I didn’t want to be pitiful anymore and I’ve left him alone. It is very hard to do that when people are so accessible these days by social media, phone, or email.
I hope I’m not reckless with my love to cause hurt or pain, but I would like some relief or some closure so I can refocus on the things that matter. There are periods of time where I don’t think about him at all which is a relief, but then certain things always trigger memories and dreams with him in them. I suppose they will haunt me forever.
I can relate. Next year will be 20 years for me. I am married for 18 now. I love my husband very much and honestly I didn’t think a lot about my ex until my husband got sick a few years ago. Then it all started. I have not seen my ex in years. I am not friends with him on social media. He is in my dreams multiple times a week though. Usually we just talk nothing like a relationship just as friends. But even in my dream I can tell how awkward I am being around him and if I ever see him I feel that way 2. Mostly bc I still feel guilty for hurting him and I wish I could twke it all back. We are both happily married I jusy want to get him out of my head for good. I know it can’t be love it has to do with my husband’s health and the fact that he was the guy I was with before I was married I am sure. We were even engaged. But I was an idiot and hurt him rather than break it off on good terms before things went bad. How do u make yourself forget your 1st love. I hate having these thoughts about him and I want them gone but no idea how.
20 yrs later I still think about her. We were sweethearts in high school, ended up been hurt a lot by her, tho I did some stupid things as well as a backlash. We tried to fix it but everything crumbled down since she continued hurting me and been dishonest. I still have feelings for her. She is married now, has kids. I ask myself every day “Why is she still on your mind”. I cant figure it out. Its not like nostalgia or anything from that time period, since i am pretty content with my life right now. Its like I feel that she is the only person that fits me. I am not sure how to explain it. Would really like some help or advice to stop thinking about her. Its been 20 yrs. How can I stop thinking about her? I wonder does she ever thinks about me?
I was hoping to find something like this over whole internet.
Me and my love, we both had to marry with a different person due to family issues, and we did.
We both knew that this will become a life sacrificing moment for both of us, but we had to do because her father might die that time.
We never came in contact in our 6 years of marriage but suddenly something happened and we came close again. It was like some natural force helped us to be in contact again as we both were living our married life in suppression and sacrifice for each other.
She even have a child which she eagerly wanted immediately after her marriage to have a purpose in life.
Both of our intimacy life is not good with our partners for the same reason.
Now we are in continuous contact and feel extremely loved again.
I think there is no answer to this, if love is there you will feel it and you will not be able to move on even if you are at the age of 60.
I am not sure either what is going on with us but we are living in a close world of ours which is having love and our small life.
If anyone knows what this is and what perspective, i would definitely like to hear it out
Many Thanks
I’d a school sweetheart. First love. Both shy and kinda awkward. We were like that for 5 years. Then I got married under family pressure. God knows how much I cried. I knew that I can never love another man. I was alone and scared. No help was there. So sealed my lips. Within a week the man showed his true colours. I couldn’t fight back. He never got my respect. After my son’s birth I’d always scoop my baby for protection. My baby and my sweetheart’s memories kept me going day by day. That’s how I stayed for 12 years.
The man’s act got out of control and my parents finally learned about my marriage life. Both families tried to help him but it gave air to the fire. Finally my conservative parents gave me permission to file for divorce.
A few months later I got a call. It was my sweetheart after 12 years. But He was always on my mind. 24/7. So I thought I was losing my mind. A few days later I saw him and god knows how I wanted to run and hug him and cry. But I kept thinking about my baby.
My sweetheart wanted a second chance but I’m afraid I might ruin his and my baby’s life. So I never disclosed my feelings. I’m not in contact with my sweetheart now. Wish him all my luck and best things in his life. I ve all the best memories he gave me when we were in school. I ve my teen son with me. This is my life.
I’m with Julie. Until you know someone’s situation you have no right to judge. Everyone has their own history their own story with their ex. I’m still very much in contact with my ex’s family we have a beautiful daughter together as well as grandchildren now. I have tried like hell to move on but he’s still the first and last thing I think about each day. I’ve been with my current husband for 13 years but my ex was the love of my life and always will be. I believe my husband is still in love with his ex as well. We love each other but not the same way we did our ex’s. So until you know the whole story please don’t judge.
I am in the same situation I will always love my ex he were a sweet and nice guy but it were my fault for why we broke up so I have to live with us being a part I miss him so much I wish I would had fight for our relationship but I move on to fast
It’s exactly 20years for me soon. Since late 2019, he have been popping inside my head so often I thought I was going crazy. Am so tempted to call him but never did. Its just good to know there are people out there facing the same crazy feelings or thoughts like me.
I looked up your ex, and they’re dead. I’m sorry.
Hi just read comments – I’m there my ex ghosted me after 2 yrs just ghosted me( before that was even a thing) I have been to a psychiatrist been going for the whole 15 since we broke up. I feel a bit of a dick. I know that it’s because the intimacy we had was amazing and I can’t get that from my husband. I love my husband very much we have been together over 12 years and he puts up with my Mental Health illness and disabilities but in 15 yrs I haven’t been ableTo stop thinking about my ex- I know it’s also a closure thing. Anyway for past 4 yrs I have been messaging him only like once a year when drunk. Delete the message (or so I think) so yesterday I thought enough I need to know for sure If he wants to talk. So I friend requested (I know I should know better at my age 40 ) I’m a ‘fate’ person so thought
maybe after 15 yrs if it was to be it would. Well I now feel stupid and also like a stalker. I really haven’t been stalking him but feel wrong. Anyway no response so know the outcome now. But I know it’s because I miss good sex. I just accept what I have with my husband. Everything is good accept that and I just don’t know what to do. I want to stop thinking bout him it just makes me sad. 😢
I have been in this situation, last year I have all of a sudden kept thinking about my ex of 20 years ago, feeling convinced that he was thinking about me too. After four months, we met by accident and I said hi. He just smiled and stooped down…then after 5 months, I messaged him…telling I was glad we met…he didnt reply my message, so i guess it’s time to move on? Am I a loser? Or should feel like a winner because I was able to say hi without the hate or judgments? Thanks
No, you’re not a loser. Did you ever figure out why you still love him? Or is it an attachment issue, or a case of not loving yourself enough? Or does he still fit your romantic idea of your soulmate or ‘ideal person’? In my case, it was all of the above.
In my case, my girlfriend and I broke up 24 years ago when we were both in our early 20s, after a 2-year intense relationship during college. Though we knew each other since elementary school and dated on and off before college. I haven’t seen or spoken with her in 24 years.
Looking back at all my relationships, she (and the one before her) were the only women that I truly loved, but I was unable to show it since I had some problems that I hadn’t dealt with yet (distrust due to childhood abuse, and my immaturity, partying, and not being serious about my future). I got therapy for an alcohol problem that spanned 15 years, up until around 10 years ago, and my therapist helped me understand and fix myself. The only issue with ‘The Path to Recovery’ is that it never ends, and it forces you to think about past relationships, so here I am now on this website. Anyway, I probably should do therapy again. I still can’t get past my idea of her as the ‘ideal person’.
Holy crap , we’re the same dude Mike … bad childhood , alcohol , shrink . There must be plenty of us out there . After my ex became a Pharmacist she married another who became a Preacher . I think mine just used me to get over an abortion but she made me love her then chucked me into the same pile as that unborn baby . She is/was a very pretty smart girl . She came up behind me in a store a couple years ago and stood in line . I looked her in the eye for a moment and turned back around no words spoken . I think that must be what a rape victim feels like when facing their raper – I felt so broken especially since she has had kids and is the upstanding Preacher mom . To think that she took love from my life all those years ago and has a happy fulfilled life . What seemingly good people take from others and cause life long pain to is really boggles my mind . I not sure what to do from here , it just seems pointless at times . Stopping the drinking has been a great move though . I have a couple years of sobriety behind me and I wish I’d done it long ago . I still have some hope for a happy ending I just hope it’s not unrealistic hope and no it doesn’t include somehow being with her again . Once on that merry-go-round was enough .
Yup, Ed, your story sounds similar. Good job on the sobriety.
20 years ago, I told myself ‘She’s moved on, so should I’, and I believed it for years, but now I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve had many relationships since her, but can’t commit to anyone 100% since I let her in all those years ago. Just found out recently that she’s alone and lives with her elder father. I’m not going to contact her, but if she contacts me, I’ll probably jump back in. I’m weak, and she’s still the ‘ideal woman’ in my crazy mind, despite it all.
To get over her, I used to think of her as an ‘Angel on the outside, devil on the inside,’ but now I know that’s not fair, since we all have our issues, some more than others. At the time that we dated, I didn’t realize how severe her issues were, plus I never forgave her for straying, but now I realize that she just needed to see what else was out there, plus I wasn’t an angel either. I rebounded immediately too, but never really analyzed our relationship until decades later. Best to move on, however possible. Zan’s blog is great, so is therapy, but it’s tough.
My problem is that the most important thing in my life is our son and I crave someone who knows what it’s like to be his parent and to have raised him. That’s his mom. Nobody else can fill that void. And it sucks.
If you love your ex after 10 years, you are probably a pathological Narcissist 😬
Lol, do you have kids? Ones that you love, I mean.
You are so far off on your judgement,it almost makes me think that you are the narcissist.You have no basis to which you so quickly judge.Are you a psychologist?Do you have a degree in psychology? No,you don’t and thank God because there would be people being grossly misdiagnosed all over the place.Truth is if you still love your ex after 10 years,you may want to see a therapist because they can help you figure out why and offer solutions for it but it is perfectly normal to love an ex still after all that time,a lot of people do.Please keep your diagnosis to yourself as your not helping anyone at all.The person who wrote this knows what they are talking about and we should listen to their advice,it will only help you,not harm you
Im very happy that I found this article and hope you could help me.
My Ex GF left me during a worst breakup 10 years ago and I also catch her with someone else. She was my first love and so I was to her,were young but has age gap of 8 years (she was 19 I was 27).
We met on 2007 when she was still 16 and we started first as close friends (actually she s treating me as her older brother regarding that she has no siblings.
Were so infatuated we started to be in a relationship as BF / GF.
It was very blissfull for 2 years however I noticed that she has insecurity issues and also started to point out my way of living (sleep late night,spending time with friends,etc)
then on our 3rd year I noticed a change with her and on the middle year of 2009 she talked to me that we should go back to being brother-sister relationship which he disclosed in a public area that really embarrassed me and we got to an argument that ended for us to just continue being as bf gf relationship.
Seems to be that her change gradually became worst and before the end of the year I noticed that she keep conversing with other men (her female classmate also entered the scene and helping her to be with another man)and I found out that her friend introduce her to a younger guy schoolmate of hers, and discovered their connection thru facebook.
She denied that their in a relationship and their just friends buy I can see the guy wooing her.
Sorry that I wrote a lot but Im gonna simplify this, after that we broke but still got comuunication,i notice her less texting me less contact and on few days before valentines she broke up with me.
I chased her,she hid avoided me ignoring my text and calls and she even.posted a picture with the guy.
I was heart broken and very angry, I admitted my mistakes but she points all the finger at me that Im the culprit.
It was 10 years ago but I still feel the pain and anger,but I never approach and spoke to her.She nnever contacted me all these years and one greeting I did last 2017 on facebook,she just unblocked me but still didnt reply when i greeted her hows her life.
One fact I notice, we often bump or see each other in public so many times for 10 years and we ignore each other,I walk straight to my path like I didnt see her but she almost like purposely move to another way or cover her face which seems she wants to catch attention which is funny.
I know also that she already saw me with my wife which I met a year after she brokeup with me,we got 3 healthy kids and a happy life.
But what really bugs me is regardi~ my attachment to her for since 2007 and I know she still loves me until now but she wont really start any communication.
I hope you can help me with these matter because honestly,I want to move on and be happy with my wife for I love her very much.
.
Thank you for this article.
I am presently in this hurdle. I have been married for 12years and always had this emptiness and was also ready to give up the marriage in the past 4yrs. Now I got in contact with my ex of 23years ago and figured out that has been the missing link to my happiness. We have been talking and chatting a lot lately. He isn’t married yet but I am just a little confuse to what this could be of us.
Thank you for this great article. Came in the right time. In my case, still thinking about my first after 20 years. We were young and I cheated on him, it hurt him badly. What he didn’t know and will probably never know is that I was blackmailed for s*x by the other individual (I lived in a middle-eastern country by then where losing virginity meant a death sentence by family). I gave in and my perpetuator not only abused me sexually, but he managed to let my ex know and lied to him about him and I … I admit I was wrong giving in, but I was lonely, scared and confused, and didn’t think the same way I do now. I guess I just didn’t come to a closure yet, although I did great beating up myself throughout all those years, trying to numb the pain and suffering peaks of depression. I really need to come to closure with that, and contacting my ex in not an option.
Hi Sarah.
Forgiveness comes from within. Only you can give that to yourself. You don’t need your ex to let go of it.
Best,
Zan
I’ll be dead in 20 years
Linda, you had better be 90 years old or don’t you dare talk like that! 🙂
I enjoyed your article a lot. This article helped me figure out my options, since I am currently in this situation. I had a first love that was on track for us to have a real relationship and experiences together ( even if we didn’t marry) . All of which got cut short by a fast girl who at 19 had a whole house to herself and a car and liquor, because her parents worked the graveyard shift. She quickly got pregnant, which ended our romance. He stayed with her and raised his 2 kids. I never got to see what could have been. And maybe that’s why I never got over him. I was left hanging, without closure or answers. His wife, (whom he didn’t marry until a few years ago despite their 20 relationship and 2 kids)
, go figure…) is no longer in the picture. I thought I would finally get this off my chest by telling him, but after reading this article, I know it isn’t going to benefit me. He will have to initiate that conversation.
Thank you
I love your website a lot. Yes I think I still love my ex after almost 2 years. I still care about him. I don’t think authentic love can easily disappear. We need to differentiate the love and attachment. Love means you want this person to be happy if they want to be with someone else. Attachment means you want to hold on this person and your mind is occupied with him or her and you can not focus on your own business. After 2 years hard work and free my attachment, I accept that he is out of my life, even if we can leave message to one another, but this feeling is like an old friend at distance. I tried to let my feelings go and start to love someone else, but I think I still need more time to work on my seperation anxiety. Have faith, everything will be fine in the end. No matter how hurt you felt in the past, there will be a guy for you in future.
Hi Sha Li.
You make a good point.
Love and attachment are two completely different things. One is selfless and the other is not.
Stay strong and keep moving forward with your life. You have to overcome your anxiety.
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow , how very sad that anyone can be pining for someone for 20 years how much damage has that done to your significant other and how much was your own personal growth stunted, I think getting professional help from psychiatrist would be in order and give your significant other a divorce to be fair and not have them live your lie with you. Very sad and pathetic , indeed .
What a judgemental and rude comment. No need to call others pathetic not knowing anything about them. What is pathetic is reading such an article to completion and then saying hurtful things to strangers whose stories you do not know.
Julie,are you a psychologist?Do you have a degree?I doubt it,so why don’t you keep your opinionated comments to yourself,it’s pathetic that you feel the need to call someone else pathetic without knowing their situation,you only assume you know.How sad and pathetic you need to bash others to try to make your own sad life seem better.Leave people alone if you want to be pathetic and sad and opinionated cause no one wants to hear it,thanks.Did someone cheat on you?Did someone not give you enough attention?Or are you just a miserable person who has to put other people down so you feel bigger about yourself?God that’s pathetic
Sorry not Julie but Linda,sorry Julie for putting your name into this,what you said was spot on,Linda was the one I meant to go after
Wow this article is mind blowing… I just hope that will not be like this and find my way after some times.
I’m in NC from July as a dumpee you should never contact your ex first right?
Thank you Zan for always best article, they are very helpful ❤️
Hi Linda.
You shouldn’t contact your ex no matter what.
Stay in NC and heal fully.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve noticed over the last few months that you reply to many of the comments folk leave. This must be time consuming and a huge commitment on your part, especially as the article is a few years old now.
So thanks.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Thanks for being thoughtful and considered in your responses.
Thanks for continuing to honour the original invitation to comment on your article.
Thanks for providing assistance to those seeking it.
So thanks.
Hi Karen.
Thank you for your kind words. I finally replied to the comment you left half a year ago, so thanks for being patient with me. I’m trying to reply to everyone now. It takes time, but people are looking for answers and I’d like to help if I can.
Kind regards,
Zan