There’s an easy way to tell if your ex doesn’t want you back. All you have to do is watch your ex’s attitude and wait for your ex to invite you out ask and to get back together. An ex who wants you back won’t take his or her time in getting to know you again because there’s nothing to get to know. Not even if months or years go by because you already know each other and can just skip the get-to-know-each-other phase.
So keep in mind that your ex will either apologize and ask to get back together very quickly or your ex will keep moving on, dating other people, and doing what feels right.
If your ex is unhappy, your ex could, of course, come back later (weeks or months later). Many dumpers do because they need lots of time for things to go awry and bite them in the butt. That’s when they change how they think about the dumpee and develop feelings.
But if your ex seems happy today (not regretful), then you can probably tell that your ex doesn’t want you back and that he or she won’t want you back any time soon. Your ex will likely continue to self-prioritize and enjoy the breakup.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but happy dumpers don’t come back. They come back when they’re in pain and need a familiar person to talk to for recognition and comfort.
So if you’re trying to learn how to tell if your ex wants you back, look at 3 things:
- what your ex’s emotional state is like (is your ex sad, nostalgic, happy, apologetic, angry)? An ex who wants you back will be sad, miserable, anxious, depressed, and afraid of getting rejected by you. You taking him or her back will be extremely important to him or her.
- whether your ex is trying to tell you something important but doesn’t know how
- how much time your ex is taking in getting back with you? Exes come back in a matter of days because they’re struggling with anxiety)
Don’t analyze pointless things such as what your ex is doing in his or her spare time, how often your ex reaches out, and the things your ex says to you. These things don’t determine whether your ex wants you back. They have nothing to do with that as an ex who wants you back will communicate that with you or show you.
In today’s post, we’ll discuss how to tell if your ex doesn’t want you back. We’ll shed some light on dumpers’ behavior and the things you should be aware of so you don’t get your hopes up and strung along by your ex.
How to tell if your ex doesn’t want you back?
You can tell your ex doesn’t want you back if your ex doesn’t talk to you, talks to you about random things, treats you badly, or does anything that shows a lack of interest, respect, affection, loyalty, anxiety, or fear. An ex who doesn’t want you back will simply not need you back.
He or she may want to be your friend and communicate at times, but your ex won’t do anything that demands a loving response from you. This is how your ex will indirectly tell you that he or she doesn’t want you back and that you need to accept the breakup and move on as fast and confidently as you can.
If you’re looking for signs that your ex doesn’t want you back, literally everything other than a direct confession is a sign that your ex doesn’t want to be with you. Anything other than an apology “I’m sorry for leaving you” and expressing pain and regret “I’m miserable and want to give us another chance” means that your ex is sticking with the breakup and that your ex has no intention of getting back with you.
So make sure not to look for hope in irrelevant things. If your ex is posting breakup quotes on Facebook, that doesn’t mean that your ex wants you back. All it means is that your ex is going through certain emotional processes and that he or she is doing certain self-soothing things.
You need to keep in mind that your ex doesn’t want you back if your ex doesn’t express the desire to get back or look for a chance to confess feelings. Breakups aren’t the same as dating where couples develop strong feelings over time by spending time together, asking questions, and getting to know each other.
Breakups are much more difficult than that because exes have fully formed opinions of each other. They know (or think they know) each other and as a result, hold on to the picture they’ve painted of each other. Dumpees are anxious, so they normally think their ex is the best person in the world whereas dumpers feel victimized, unhappy, and think poorly of dumpees.
For dumpers to want dumpees back, they must become anxious like dumpees and realize their ex is a great person for them. Only then can they see their ex as a backup option and return to their ex for closure, validation, security, and happiness.
Here’s how you can tell that your ex doesn’t want you back.
Think of the breakup as the end
Even if you got along with your ex and don’t understand why your ex left you, know that the breakup wasn’t a coincidence. Something went wrong and made your ex think he or she was going to be happier without you. It sucks to hear this, but it’s the truth.
If your ex had the right mentality and valued you, the breakup wouldn’t have happened. Your ex would have resolved differences and problems rather than thought of them as deal-breakers.
It doesn’t matter what the exact cause of the breakup is. If your ex was depressed, fell for someone else, or was told to dump you by his or her parents, your ex still decided to fall out of love and stopped being committed to you.
Your ex thought that leaving you would make him or her live life the way he or she wanted to live it.
So rather than looking for hope, try to acknowledge that love is gone and that you don’t have a choice but to think of the breakup as the end. This won’t be easy if you’re in denial and going through the first few stages of the breakup for the dumpee, but it’s the only thing that will allow you to heal from rejection and prepare you for life ahead.
As long say you’re focusing on the past, you won’t be able to engage in hobbies and activities successfully. That’s because you’ll constantly think about your ex and delay your detachment process.
A great way to let go of someone you love who doesn’t love you is to journal your thoughts and feelings, Write down everything you think and feel as doing so will ease your anxiety and help you detox from your ex.
What to do when your ex doesn’t want you back?
If your ex doesn’t want you back, the most important thing to do is avoid asking your ex to get back with you. You must understand that it’s not your job to get back with your ex but your ex’s. Your ex was the one who left, so naturally, your ex must be the one to express regret and ask to get back together.
If it’s the other way around (you asking your ex), your ex will feel overprioritized and smothered and might say or do something that hurts you and makes you more desperate for recognition.
And that will set you back big time.
So instead of sounding desperate, let your ex go and focus on yourself. Your ex needs to see that you can handle the breakup maturely and confidently and that you know what to do when someone rejects you and triggers your separation anxiety and fears.
A few things you can use to your advantage as a dumpee are confidence, self-esteem, and maturity. If you accept the breakup and don’t fight with your ex, you’ll leave the best impression on your ex that you can and make your ex feel more positive emotions.
Sure, you won’t change your ex’s mind about leaving you, but you will prevent your ex from resenting you and destroying the value you have left in his or her eyes.
So if you feel mistreated, hurt, abused, or depressed, don’t take your pain out on your ex. Taking revenge or unloading your emotions on your ex may feel like the best thing to do, but it will actually make your ex even more certain that you’re not the right person for him or her.
That’s because it will show that you lack control of your emotions and that no matter how much time goes by that you’ll remain underdeveloped and a hindrance to his or her happiness.
Therefore, the best thing to do when your ex doesn’t want you back is to calmly and politely accept the breakup. Say that you understand and respect his/her decision and that you’ll be distancing yourself and doing the things that are important to you. If you want, mention that you don’t mean any harm, but that you’ll need time to yourself and that you’d appreciate it if he or she didn’t communicate with you anymore.
That will let your ex know that you’re an all-or-nothing kind of person and that you’re not going to be friends just because your ex might want it. Your dumper ex might not like that, but your ex will respect it. He or she will see that you know your worth and that the breakup means the end of the friendship as well.
Some dumpees think they’ll get back with their ex if they befriend their ex, but they’re badly mistaken. Friendship usually gives them false hope and makes it harder for them to detach and move on. So if you don’t want to let go of your ex because you’re scared your ex will move on and meet someone else, I strongly encourage you to be brave and do what is right rather than what feels right.
What feels right is to stay close to your ex whereas the right thing to do is to leave your ex alone. Go no contact so that you can heal from rejection and your ex can experience life without you. Begging and pleading and staying in your ex’s life won’t convince your ex to give the relationship another chance.
If anything, it will show that you’re not ready to be single because you rely on another person for basic human needs.
This only leaves you with a few things to do:
- Start the indefinite no contact rule
- Focus on your wants and needs rather than your ex’s
- Find out why the breakup happened (get closure)
- Improve your shortcomings and self-esteem
- Get over the breakup
- Let your ex do all the work
No matter how badly you want your ex back, your ex has to do the heavy lifting. He or she needs to do this so that you both want each other equally and don’t abuse the post-breakup power. Dumpers feel in control of the breakup, so you must let your ex discern your worth and give up control.
When that happens, you can finally be friends or more.
But in the meantime, try to give up control and accept the unfortunate situation. The quicker you come to terms with the breakup, the sooner you’ll heal and stop thinking of your ex as your savior.
Did you learn how to tell if your ex doesn’t want you back? Can you think of any other ways to tell it’s time to move on? Let us know in the comments section below.
And finally, if you’d like to discuss your breakup with us, visit our coaching page for more information.
Hi Damian,
I know what you mean and I am trying to decide which of the two approaches make more sense.
They are not as similar as you think (or as I thought). This blog strongly advocates that the ex has to do ALL the heavy lifting when they contact you and that you should NEVER invite them out first even if the conversation is going well. Other coaches say this approach is too absolute, unrealistic, mostly academic, and not practical or based on real life situations or outcomes.
I think Zan may notice that many of his audience members would be very interested in a direct and comparative analysis of different approaches (of course not with everyone out there but perhaps the âbetter coaching channelsâ as you call them, which are actually not that different in their approach except on some nuances like this one).
I find in life there’s rarely any absolutes. Part of it is knowing your ex and what they would do. Inevitably you’ll probably have to modify things a bit depending on your ex. It’s never a good idea to be too rigid in anything.
For instance, if you have an ex that’s a little shy, or maybe even anxious, and you know that they’d never ask you on a date, in that case if they contacted you and things seemed to be moving in that direction, then IMO I think it’d be ok to ask them out on a date. This might go if you, the dumpee, are a guy and your ex is an ex-girlfriend. In general usually the guy has to ask the girl out. That seems to be a cultural norm that has never gone away, so you’d probably need to take that into account as well.
I think before you do anything it’s important to put yourself in the mind of your ex and what they would probably do in each situation (I know that might be difficult in some situations, it’s important to be honest with yourself). But being too rigid is rarely ever a good idea.
I think the message I get here, and from those other coaching channels is, is that you don’t want to end up being texting buddies or something like that. You’re either going out on a date and seeing where things go, or if they refuse, then you move on basically if/until they change their mind (or you decide you don’t want them anymore of course). And if they refuse you’re not upset or angry. Things are going fine for you so whatever (even if you don’t actually feel that way–but one coach put it really well, you’re ex broke up with you so they don’t deserve to know how you’re really feeling at the moment).
And use common sense. One story I heard that’s amusing, but kind of sad at the same time, is a guy who’s ex-girlfriend contacted him to ask him to send her stuff back, and she would send him a check to cover the shipping cost. He was so desperate he thought because she was going to send him a check, that somehow meant she wanted to get back with him. Obviously in that kind of situation you DON’T want to ask her out. It’s clearly just ‘business.’
Hi Damian,
This sounds reasonable but your last example probably shows that we donât really know our ex as much as we think we do, so it is difficult to gauge an âeffectiveâ response based on what we know about them. Or we are so foggy because of emotional attachment that we cannot make a rational judgment.
If the dumpees really knew their ex, they wouldnât be dumpees. And also they wouldnât be seeing signs everywhere (like the guy with the check you mentioned).
Well, to be fair my last example was obviously an extreme example. I think most people would realize that was not an attempt at reconciliation.
I’m just always cautious about not being too rigid in my thinking, especially when it comes to human behavior. For myself I wouldn’t be rigid about expecting my ex-girlfriend to ask me out on a date if she were to contact me.
I mean, on the flip side I’d be thinking if I didn’t ask her out and the conversation died out and she didn’t ask me to go out I’d always be wondering what if I did ask her out on a date. I’d prefer just to know than to be wondering. I’d be beating myself up thinking I might have let the opportunity slip away.
How would you feel if she said no after you asked and it all turned out to be breadcrumbing? Wouldnât that set you back and is a risk worth takingâŠ?
I would be reluctant because she contacted me multiple times but was not willing to meet despite my asking. That was before formal NC. So I would be cautious next time but thatâs based on this specific personal history.
Honestly no. Yes, at that moment it would be a bummer. But worse for me would be spending months, even years, wondering ‘what if.’ What if I asked her out, maybe she would have said yes. I’d rather know than spend my life wondering what might have been.
Sorry, I posted too quickly. But that’s why I think there are some details to each situation that might require a little flexibility. There are some common themes. No Contact is almost always the right move for the dumpee for instance, if/until the dumper reaches out. You shouldn’t be friends with an ex. Especially right after the break up (unless it was amicable and both agreed you make better friends that a couple). But for a situation where an ex contacts you that’s where individual circumstances might come more into play.
It depends on the type of ex they are. Have they been playing games with you since the break up or have they left you alone before contacting you weeks, even months later? Do they have a shyer personality that make it unlikely they’d work up the nerve to ask you out? What are they contacting you about? Do they seem friendly and open, or cautious and not saying much? And of course, do you even want to go out with them again?
In my case my ex has made no attempts to contact me. I honestly don’t believe she would unless she was interested in me again. So if she did I’d feel like I’d at least want to ask her to meet me. She is pretty shy about such things and I don’t think she’d work up the nerve to ask me out. And like I said, I’d rather ask her out and her say no, rather than not and the contact ends and I spend months or years wondering what if I did? It would hurt in the moment, but ultimately I’d be happier at least knowing.
I, as dumpee, with your help, Zan avoided asking my ex to get back with me. And it was super hard for me to understand that itâs not my job to get back with him but my exâs. You were 100% right when you said to me your ex was the one who left, so naturally, your ex must be the one to express regret and ask to get back together.
It was the best choice that I made in my life I was an all-or-nothing kind of person. Iâm forever grateful đ„č
You should be proud of yourself for handling the breakup so well, Linda.
It wasn’t easy, but you pulled away, focused on yourself, and began to heal.
Best,
Zan
I have heard from a number of coaching channels (the better ones) that exes who want you back rarely just contact you and say, I screwed up, will you take me back. They say they frequently use an indirect way of testing the waters. They’ll contact you and ask you about something that makes no sense like, “I can’t find my green notebook, did I leave it at your place” and you’re like WTF.
Now they all say they have to directly contact you with a direct message to you alone (i.e. text and not a group chat) or by a phone call. Liking posts, posting sad memes, etc., like you say, should not be considered direct contacts.
But they all say when an ex directly contacts you about anything (unless it is a legitimate business or something about your children) that you should indicate you are living your best life (though you don’t get into specifics, that should be saved for a face to face meeting). And then you try to get them on a date. If they say no or are noncommital then you just end the contact politely saying something like, it was great catching up, let me know if you change your mind—or something along those lines. That way you are letting them know, in a nice way, that you’re not interested in being chatting buddies or soothing their guilt, but when they contact you, you are assuming they want to try to get back together. Otherwise don’t contact you otherwise.
Just some things that I picked up. Your article does seem to go in a similar direction for the most part. The idea is that you want to let them know that they shouldn’t contact you unless they want to meet up. And never act upset or angry. Things are going fine for you so there’s no reason to act upset.
I also agree you have to let the old relationship go no matter what. One thing I don’t think people mention enough is that even if you get back together with your ex, it’ll be a new relationship. And honestly you want it to be. The old one failed. It’d be foolish to even want to pick up where you left off.
Hi Damian.
I agree with you on most things. The only thing I’m not with you on is the part where you invite the dumper out. It’s simply not your job to make the job easier on the dumper. The dumper has a lot of redeeming to do, so you can’t take the initiative and do the work for him or her. And yes, although they might initially reach out about something else, they’ll soon be direct about their needs. They’ll say they want to see you or get back together.
Best regards,
Zan