“Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship” is a question many women ask themselves when they encounter a guy who doesn’t want a relationship with them. They don’t know if the guy is stringing them along on purpose or if he has some deep-rooted issues he isn’t aware of and hasn’t resolved yet.
The good thing about it is that you don’t need to know the exact cause of his issues. If the guy can’t empathetically and clearly express his issues, he isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you anyway. He has things to work on and probably a lot of maturing to do before he can get emotionally involved with other women and try to create something long-lasting with them.
So be careful of guys who can’t give you a relationship. Be especially careful of guys who after many months of dating don’t know what they want. People with doubts usually don’t want a relationship at all. They just give the impression that they do because they say things like, “I don’t know what I want, I’m not sure yet, I need more time.”
In reality, though, they’re just afraid of delivering the bad news and hurting you, which is why they do nothing at all. They wait until they lose interest because that’s when talking to you becomes a chore.
Bear in mind that a guy who baffles you with his lack of commitment and effort can disguise himself as a friend, a classmate, a roommate, a coworker, and even an ex. He can take many shapes and can be very inconsiderate of your feelings.
That’s because he doesn’t realize that his selfish actions confuse you, increase your yearnings for affection, and hurt you. The damage a guy causes by keeping you around really depends on the extent to which he uses the push-pull technique.
If he abuses it by bringing you close to him and then denies you the attention and love you deserve, he plays with your feelings and hurts you very badly.
But if he merely keeps you around as a friend and doesn’t particularly let you get too close or too far, then the guy typically causes a bit less pain. He’s most likely unaware of the pain he’s causing you and needs to be dealt with swiftly.
Either way, men should understand that they can’t have the cake and eat it too. They can only have one or the other. They can either be with the girl and invest in her wholeheartedly or distance themselves from her and let her detach so she can find someone who deserves her more than them.
In this article, we’ll talk about several reasons why a guy keeps you around if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
He says he’s not ready for a relationship yet
A guy who tells you he’s not ready to date could be suffering from heartbreak. He could have been cheated on recently and had his self-esteem crushed. We don’t know what went wrong in his life and what’s going on inside his head.
All we know is that he’s not emotionally ready for a relationship and that pressuring him to commit won’t help him commit. It will make him feel that you need him way more than he does and that he needs to take even more time to decide if you’re on the same page and the right person for him.
You see, when it comes to guys and their communication, guys normally aren’t very expressive of their problems.
Instead of expressing themselves openly, they tend to hold their difficulties inside and think about them over and over again until they gradually disappear. It’s the way they handle things because caregivers and society taught them to be brave and not to act like girls.
So whatever you do, don’t expect guys to be girls. Communication-wise, they’re different as they won’t always tell you what’s bothering them. Most of the time, they’ll keep their thoughts, worries, and fears to themselves and let you figure them out on your own.
To make things easier for you, here are a few reasons why a guy says he isn’t ready for a relationship.
- Someone broke his heart.
- He broke someone’s heart.
- He has feelings for someone else.
- He’s given up on relationships and dates only for instant gratifications.
- He recently came out of an abusive relationship.
- He’s developed trust issues.
- A person he loved passed away.
- He doesn’t find you attractive.
- He’s depressed or unhappy in general.
- He doesn’t want to commit so he can enjoy the single life.
Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship with me?
A guy will keep you around for very simple reasons. Normally, he’ll do it because he likes you as a person, enjoys your company, needs your support, and thinks you can be a great friend.
He’s not necessarily leaving the door open for a later date (although from my observations that does happen once in a while), he is probably just used to having you around and enjoys everything you have to offer.
This includes your company, moral support, reassurance, and you being there for him when he’s bored, tired, and needs someone to listen.
I know this may sound mean, but when it comes to relationships, people tend to do what’s best for them. They behave nicely and respectfully when they like the person they’re dating and can benefit from him or her.
But once that is no longer the case and they feel they need to give more than they can receive, they switch on their partners and show them how they normally treat people they don’t want to be in a relationship with.
Some people use breakup excuses such as, “It’s not you, it’s me,” some say they’re not ready for a relationship, and others ghost people and make them think they don’t even deserve an explanation.
Whatever the guy did to tell you he doesn’t want a relationship, you need to know it’s not your fault. You couldn’t control how he perceived you and felt about you because he was as responsible for staying attracted to you as were responsible for feeling attracted to him.
Relationships require two committed individuals. If someone lacks commitment and loses interest, the other can’t save the relationship on his or her own. It’s impossible because it gives the dumper more power than the dumper can handle.
The picture below will explain why a guy keeps you around if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Men tend to act slightly more rationally while women behave more emotionally. But all in all, how a disinterested person behaves during and after the rejection isn’t determined by gender or circumstance.
It’s determined by a person’s personality, maturity, and his or her moral values.
For example, if a person is patient, kind, and understanding, he or she will likely respectfully and gently let his or her ex down. The dumper will express his or her reasons for leaving empathetically because he or she will want to avoid causing pain and trouble for the dumpee.
But if the dumper lacks self-awareness, maturity, patience, and considers himself or herself a victim, then you can expect quite opposite. You can expect the man or woman to act impulsively and cause a lot of pain and suffering.
You need to understand that people keep their ex-partners or the people they dated/almost dated around because they don’t want to lose them completely.
They want to keep them in their lives at a distance (for their convenience) and make sure they don’t cross their comfort line.
If they cross the comfort line, they usually turn cold, disinterested, mean, or even angry. Sometimes, they become so unrecognizable that even their friends and parents don’t recognize them. Such dumpers feel extremely relieved and need a lot of time to process that relief.
Love or a lack of it can be a lot trickier and more painful than the media and Hollywood portray it. When everything’s going smoothly, love feels like heaven. You can almost see cupids and butterflies flying around and feel like you’re dreaming.
But when a person you like doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you for any reason at all, the world instantly crashes down on you. It makes you feel that you’re having a nightmare and that you must have said or done something to disappoint the person who left you.
Anyway, let’s talk about some other reasons why a guy keeps you around if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
He doesn’t hate you
This shouldn’t come as a surprise. A guy who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you keeps you around because he wants to keep you around.
He doesn’t hate you, nor think poorly of you.
He just doesn’t find you romantically attractive and thinks he should be with someone better suited for him.
When that someone “better suited” comes along, the man you love or have a crush on will immediately forget about his plans with you and start dating that new girl. He’ll want to give her attention because things will be new and he’ll feel like he has to fight for her attention.
It sucks, but it’s just the way people are. We cling on to things and people for as long as we can. But when they no longer benefit us in a positive (romantic) way, we oftentimes abandon them quicker than we can say “whoops.”
The reason for this is that people (male or female) are emotional beings. We make emotional decisions based on what we feel and how we feel.
If we feel smothered by a person and we happen to like someone else, we instinctually push the person demanding things from us away. We do this to protect ourselves and to make room for the new person to enter our lives.
So if you’re a woman and you’re wondering, “Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship,” the answer is that he doesn’t have a reason to ditch you.
He doesn’t find you repulsive, annoying, or threatening in any wayāand enjoys spending time with you.
But don’t get it twisted. If you profess your feelings and try to get him to give you what he doesn’t want to give, this could change very quickly.
He could show you that he can’t reciprocate your emotions and tell you that he needs you to leave him alone. This would once again make you feel rejected and cause you to crave his affection.
He likes you as a friend
Most people have a friend or two they can rely on and confide in. And so does your ex or the person you dated.
He also likes to keep you around as a friend for difficult times when he needs a confidant and has no one better to talk to. So don’t think that the guy doesn’t like you. He most certainly does because he perceives you as someone who can help him assuage guilt and contribute to his overall well-being.
This includes his emotional, physical, spiritual, and even sexual well-being. He sees value in you and, therefore, wants to keep you around because you’re willing to settle for friendship.
Even if you understand each other and would make good friends, you shouldn’t agree to be his friend right away. You should give it at least a few months so that you can get over each other, process the breakup, and once the dust has settled, figure out if friendship is something you want.
If you want it, say you’d like to be friends and nothing more and that you’re wondering if he wants the same. If he does, you can hang out and be friends. But if he doesn’t or appears cold and disinterested, then you should probably give it more time and make some new friends.
You have a history together
When a guy keeps you around but doesn’t want a relationship with you, he appreciates the time you’d spent together. He likes the way your relationship started/developed and doesn’t want to cut all ties with you just because he doesn’t love you.
He feels too nostalgic about your relationship and values the time you’d spent together too much to just let you go completely and forget about you.
You may not be of any romantic value to this person, but you certainly attract him as a friend whom he’d like to continue to spend time with and get to know better.
Your history, the good times, and the person you are are the reasons he wants to keep you around despite not wanting a relationship with you. Figure out if you want to stay in touch with him just because you had a few good moments together.
What does it mean if he doesn’t want a relationship?
If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want a relationship with all the girls in the world.
In fact, guys use this, “I just want to be single for a while” excuse all the time. They say it when the girl they lack feelings for surprises them by expressing the desire to date them.
99% of the time, guys who say they want to stay single for a while don’t stay single for long. They usually get involved with another person the moment someone new shows romantic interest in them.
So don’t take a guy’s “I just want to stay single for a while” excuse literally because he most likely doesn’t mean it literally.
Not unless he’s brokenhearted or has given up on dating completely. But in that case, he’s not of any romantic use to you anyway. He’s emotionally unavailable and needs to stay away from you.
Keep that in mind.
What to do if he doesn’t want a relationship right now but likes me?
If a guy won’t commit to a relationship but likes you, you don’t have a choice but to respect his decision. You can’t reason with him and bait him into dating you because he’s made a decision not to date you.
He’s not emotionally ready and not into you, so exude self-respect and walk away with dignity and pride.
Don’t obsess about the reasons why he doesn’t want to date you. Thinking about it day and night is just going to cause your self-esteem to plummet and drive you crazy. The only thing you need to know is that the guy can’t commit to you at this stage and that waiting for him would be a waste of time.
It’s much better to keep moving forward with your life and meet some new people who are ready to be with you today (not next month or next year). Life is too short to waste on brokenhearted, depressed, emotionally unavailable, or underdeveloped people with trust issues and unresolved childhood matters.
And I mean that with respect.
He is not ready for a relationship but he loves me
Guys and girls who don’t want to commit to a relationship often tell their admirers that they love them but aren’t ready for a relationship. They use the three-letter word to avoid inflicting pain and also to give the people they’re rejecting something they badly need.
That something is hope and validation.
Of course, dumpers aren’t so generous that they give these things for free. In return for hope and validation, they expect their admirer not to overreact and make things difficult for them. They expect the dumpee to accept their decision and use their dumpee to forgive themselves for causing pain as quickly as possible.
They basically don’t want to feel miserable when they see how dejected the dumpee is, so they try to make him or her feel better with false hope and false promises.
So if the person you dated told you that he loves you but isn’t in love with you or anything along those lines, know that he’s not being entirely honest with you.
What he means is that he likes you, but not enough (at least not romantically) to be in a romantic relationship with you and tell you the truth. You need to ignore everything that has the word “love” in it because there is no love after the rejection or breakup. There is just guilt, shame, and other unpleasant feelings of doubts dumpers mistake for love.
Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship?
Some guys keep coming and going. One moment they feel as if their love for their ex-partner has returned and the next moment, they once again feel that their love is gone.
How much love they feel and how long that love stays strongly depends on their emotional state. If someone wronged them and they feel down because of that person, they often seek shelter in the people they rejected.
They expect them to hand over reassurance on a silver platter and receive the feeling that they’re always cared for. Such people can come and go as they please. Every time they return, they leave quicker because they destroy their commitment to the relationship.
So please keep in mind that those who keep coming and going are extremely emotion-driven. Their love and respect for others depend completely on the way they feel about their own lives.
If only they realized that coming back and leaving confuses and hurts the person they claim to love.
I hope you found this article enlightening. If you did, please leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this subject.
However, if you’d like to talk to us directly, sign up for coaching with us.
Hi Zan,
thanks for this very good articles. after reading this, i am more than 100% sure to block him. lately i do have feeling to block him since he did not denied when i said he would marry the woman he likes before this at an instance if she still single. while with me he keep on telling he’s not looking for romantic partner. from there i know where am i standing. he just need me because he do not have other people who understand him like i do. but not want me in his life. everything you said in the article confirm all his behavior towards me.
he just need me because he have no one else that he can turn to even though he said he have feelings for me, but still he said we need to have feeling to be friends. for me no feelings needed if it just friend. now he’s acting totally like he do not want relationship with me.
thanks a lot. it’s a relief to block him.
Hi Me.
I hope that blocking helps you get over him quickly. Whenever you doubt yourself, remember that he lied to you and strung you along for selfish reasons. You can’t stay around someone like that. It’s not fair to you nor good for your health.
Best,
Zan
Hahahah this is great. Love that you donāt even get wet for him anymore. Seriously my ex is nearly the same. 7 months dating. I finally expressed Iām ready ā says heās not. Throughout the time of us dating, he was constantly telling me he wanted to be my bf, and that he wanted something serious with me but I told him I wasnāt ready but wanted to keep being with him too in a serious manner. But he turned on me and told me he was depressed and no where near ready for a relationship. He then told me, āI really canāt lose youā¦ā Ugh. Just tell me you want to be friends. He canāt even say that. Iām just going away to heal on my own. Iām practically in love with him, but he does this. I respect his wishes but I cannot be there for him even though I love him.
Ughh dating a guy for 9 months everything is perfect I finally ask him what are we?
He said he;’s not ready for a relationship because he is very busy and is trying to remain focused. What did I do? I ended it turned away, respected his answer that I wasted this time on. I started seeing other men and addressed it. Now he txt me asking if Im okay or trying to request me again. He doesnt want me or doesnt care? wtf am I to do. I am hurt but Im not stupid I wont wait for him. So I am doing what I need to, to save myself. Sorry? WHy do guys do this shit??? like really? fucking wasted time, couldve been great but now its ruined because whatever… my pussy doesnt even get wet for him anymore. way to end something good.
Hi.
Long story short. I dated a guy for 2 years who I met in college. We broke up about 2.5 years ago. Ever since then he has texted me and then weād meet up and then heās dissapear again. Well, recently he got into legal trouble and came back full force. It was amazing. Iāve never had the sexual chemistry I have with him ever before and Iām 32. I truly know he feels the same as heās told me heās had to think about me when with other girls in the past. Well. Weāve been hanging out the past 3 months almost 2 to 3 times a week. He told me that he doesnāt want a relationship as he never wants to hurt me again. He told me he doesnāt want to lead me on yet says stuff like āIām addicted to your….ā and just so many other things. He writes me every morning during the day and at night. Well, Iāve been pulling back. Usually I am giddy and Iāll message him little things back or when he sends me goofy pictures of himself, Iāll say how hot he looks, etc.
4 months I remember thinking, āwow time really does heal as Iām not even thinking about him anymoreā and BOOM he came back. Now Iām sadder than ever.
What is happening here.
Thank you!
E
Hi Zan. A really good article! I met a man at work, we were platonic for 6 mos, then after dating outside work for 5 more. He told me many times I was perfect for him, he loved me and that we would take a vacation together.
Looking back closely now, there were couple of times he looked less interested in me. Suddenly blanking out in a daze across the street while we were eating dinner. Another, he was subtly trying to end our date early buy pulling me toward the exit area of a park. Then saying it’s ok if he gets home early (?).
Anyway, fast forward a bit. One day he started saying he’s busy a lot, tired and trying to help a female friend (at our same office) in the evenings. He would still text but not quite as much and drove me home from work.
Then he disappeared sporadically but kept popping up in the halls at work, outside office steps, leaving candy & flowers on my desk, asking to go for coffee breaks.
I got the distinct impression he was stringing me along after all this. Eventually we weren’t spending time together outside work and he just engaged with me at the office. No explanation or communication from him as to what was really happening.
I was extremely hurt and decided to fade him out slowly. I said no to all his invitations at work and avoided him at all costs. He kept trying to engage with me for close to a year after that. Eventually, he stopped entirely. I felt bad about ignoring someone I loved so much. But it was hurtful for him to expect me to be hanging around in the sidelines after how intimate we had been.
Even to this day, when I accidentally run into him, he beams brightly about how great it is to see me. I respond politely but feel totally cold inside about this man now. I feel I will always love and hate him.
I’m thinking he didn’t feel the same about me and that’s why he pushed me away.
Your thoughts?
We were just friends for around 3 years, we were rather close together since his friend was my horrible boyfriend at the time. I used to talk about my boyfriend’s bad behaviors and he was so supportive and kind to me and I always felt that he liked me. After a while he immigrated to canada and we were not in touch so often anymore, I broke up with the boyfriend and after a while he called me saying I wish I was in our country to be with you, to touch your hands and I have always wanted to be with you, since i liked him too i offered let’s try LDR and he accepted. After around one month he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he wanted to stay just friends but he didn’t mentioned why and only after 7 months I found out he has just broken up with his 3 years gf, I loved him I made the mistake and I said ok but let’s continue our contacts. After that we continued acting like gf and bf but with the title of friends and I was hoping after a while he would change his mind and the title. We were in this relationship about 10 months and he had totally mixed behaviors, sometimes he acted like a true lover saying romantic things like I have always wished you to be my gf and I dream about you coming to canada and sometimes he insisted about the title of friends, especially during the arguments. This situation was tough for me but I loved him so I tried to tolerate these difficulties. with his encouragement I was preparing myself to immigrate to the country he was living and he kept saying he will wait for me as he wish to be with me . After 10 months we had an argument because I saw he left flirty comments for an actress in her instagram page, it made me agitated and when I confronted him, he got angry and said you’re not my girlfriend and it has nothing to do with you and he blocked me while insulting. After two weeks I reached him out with an affectionate message saying our relationship had a 4 years background of good friendship it’s not appropriate to end up with insults and blocking! but he told me really cruel things saying I don’t like you and I don’t want to hear from you never again, I don’t care about you, you have never been important for me, and he even denied that he encouraged me to immigrate to him and all those plans. I didn’t say anything. I know I made some big mistakes but I’m really upset to let him to play with my emotions, it’s been 1.5 month, I’ve tried to move on but I’m still hurt, will he find out some day that he behaved terribly to me? Why he was so cruel at the end?
I believe this is so on point for me at the moment yet I’m not one to leave comments š¬ but I’m seeing someone who I know I love and he says he loves me too but yet he works too much and I don’t hear from him unless I reach out first when we had our first date we did say we didn’t want anything serious but we just clicked so well it was hard not to fall for him I do spend the nights when he is in town….this man has changed my world I’m happy when I’m with him and sad when I’m not …after not hearing from him for a month I thought ok he’s done with me …but then he finally reaches out and I just gave into him so quickly …I came across this article and had to read and as I read I was like that’s me ! Please give me feedback
If you don’t want a diet of crumbs in a relationship, you should stop accepting them. A month is a long time of not talking if you are seeing each other. I had a boyfriend who tried to feed me a diet of crumbs, and he thought it was ridiculous when I asked for more. I finally realized how many months of my life I’ve wasted on someone who wasn’t willing to be more connected to me. No thanks! Personally, I think you’re best off just telling him you care about him but you need more and want a more serious relationship and that you’re going to have to let him go because what you currently have is not working for you. If he really is crazy about you, he won’t let you go after he hears this, as he will have a chance to make it right. If he’s lukewarm like he shows he is, then he’s not worth staying for.
OMG, are we seeing a same guy? He is a Pisces and unfortunately very flaky. I told him we are done after three years, that was 17 days ago.
hi i think i might have feelings for my guy friend..and he knows but he told me that he doesnt want a relationship right now also he told me that he likes to hang out with me. i told him that i dont want a relationship either. however everyone included my shools janitor thinks were dating or something of that sort because of ”the way we treat eachother” they say… it very confusing because i know that i like him but i just dont want to be in a relationship and he keeps giving me these signs that he likes me. also his friend (who is also my friend) asked me “soooo what is going on with you and….????” and i said we are just friends and he said “but but you guys are made for eachother” and that definitely made my confusion worse lol
help…..
thanks if you read this.
best regards,
J
My ex of 8 yrs told me he doesnāt love me no more. He doesnāt care if I get with someone new. But at the same time he tells me he loves me and wants to come back home to the kids and me but he isnāt ready for that. He isnāt ready for a relationship he doesnāt have sex with other girls or text or call other girls he could keep his phone on around me and no one text besides his family. I am lost and confused about what to do I want to work on us again but he isnāt ready he loves the fact that I donāt talk or date other guys he still checks my Facebook .
After a year of research on narcissism & NPD, I believe this type of man falls into that category. A lot if what you talk about here describe the exact patterns & traits of narcissism. Decent & moral people simply don’t behave this way. They are honest & have the integrity & cajones to tell the truth. They don’t attempt to sucker a woman in or pretend to be their friend if they are not really interested in a relationship.
Hi Nancy.
Narcissism is oftentimes misused/overused in the breakup world. Not every dumper who acts on smothering emotions is mentally ill or has some kind of condition. People just lack moral values, self-awareness, and self-control.
Kind regards,
Zan
Figures I never understood how a guy can just keep me around for a couple years just because we had great conversations, but when I asked if we could be something more that how he just suddenly became really mean and abusive, but when I said I wonāt bother him anymore, then he didnāt want to let me go, saying he still want me in his life. I was like, why does he want me in his life if he also said he intend to date other girls and have a relationship with somebody? Iām not close friends with all guys, and I feel if this guy doesnāt feel the same way romantically about me, I rather not have deep conversations or be vulnerable with him.
To me, Iād rather leave and just not talk anymore with him if one day heās going to run to some other girl to get to know her and do things for her that he never wanted to do for me, if heās not going to stay around for me anyways. Why do I want to be the stand-in friend relieving him of boredom and let him enjoy my company, when heād forget me the instant he find someone he deems attractive and want to pursue a relationship with?
I had an awesome connection with a man for a year. He repeatedly tells he he doesnāt want a relationship and doesnāt care if I date other people. I give him space because he just came off a toxic relationship with someone else. For a year heās been in and out until one day he crushes my heart and tells me he likes someone else and he wants to see where it goes with her. I was devastated and what else can I do. I moved on. Two months later he comes back. I let him know where I stand and how I felt about him. Now he says I hurt him. Like āWhat?!!!ā Now he texts me every single day and saying he loves me. He tells me after this pandemic we are going to be together. I donāt believe him. I feel like he doesnāt wanna let go our connection. After reading this article it helped me a lot to understand where his head is at. Overall I really love him and wish him the best. But at least I keep focused on myself to keep me busy. Best wishes to all the ladies thatās going through this strange love.
Hi Aila.
Thanks for the comment.
You may want to avoid dating this man because he appears too fickle. He doesn’t seem to be ready for a serious commitment, so find someone who is.
Kind regards,
Zan
Awesome!! You are a very strong person and reality of the whole situation royally sucks, but you deserve more and it makes me happy to know we can all be strong regarding men that fake the funk, show up unemotional half the time and expect so much but not show the same in return, not to mention when we donāt freak out or make their behavior an issue, we just go with flow bc if he doesnāt want me, cool but also we know better!! Thanks
My boyfriend just broke up with me three days ago and Iām completely devastated. We started dating in April 2019. It started out fast and furious and by the second month, we were talking about moving in together and how my last name would look better with his last name. I reacted by saying no and that itās too soon. He seemed ok with it and we continued on. He was very generous, buying me gifts, taking me to concerts and a cruise to Mexico. We had a great time together. No fights, no issues, nothing to make me think he wasnāt ready. I met his parents and had a good relationship with them. In February of this year, I told him I was falling in love with him. He said he wasnāt ready for that and needs time. As he was breaking up with me, he said he didnāt want a relationship. Said he needed to work on finding out who he is because he has no idea what he wants. I should have realized it was too soon as he had only been divorced four months out of an eight year marriage before meeting me. He seemed fine and over her but apparently me telling him I was falling for him made him realize he wasnāt ready to love again. I have learned from this and now will never date anyone just out of a marriage. Iām hoping to start feeling better soon but Iām hopeless right now.
I feel your pain. Please take care. Time is the healer, things can only get better with time.
Thank you Janice. It’s been a month now and you’re so right. Time is the healer. I sent him a closure email and I feel free now. It’s his loss.
The truth is that he just didn’t want something serious with you. Likely if it was the woman he deemed “right” he would have been head over heels. He probably enjoyed your company as a healing process. See him leaving as a blessing in disguise, you could keep on being used.
this is sad, I had a similar experience, he swept me off my feet but it felt like we were really in love and he wanted a future… problem is he is still married but separated for 5 years… this started to really bother me and i became insecure, and it affected our relationship.. a year later he says hes not ready for a relationship when he was the one driving it all forward with holidays, sharing a flat etc i believe he very much loved me but perhaps i was his escapism from his many issues from the ex… 6 months later i am still heartbroken and desperately want to let it go,,, i also feel used he wants me around but fallen out of love,, i am becoming angry now… but sadly i am still in our shared flat until december… i think he thought he was ready and available,, reality is he still married!!
Kay I appreciate this comment I am in a similar boat. I have spent the last 9 months spending all of my weekends and free time with a man going through a divorce. We clicked on our first date and just kept hanging out ever since. We had minor hiccups along the road but they didnāt really happen until he confessed he was never going to get married again and didnāt want another serious relationship. TO ME he put us at a crossroad. He claims he was just expressing himself and clearing the air but I do want more. He said heād always want me to be happy and I deserve the best even if he has strong feelings for me. I ultimately ended it on Monday because I, just like you said… BECAME ANGRY. I got outraged. I felt humiliated and strung along. It actually felt like he wanted me to love him back and as soon as I did he yanked away any chance of there being more for us. Itās also insulting he doesnāt want a serious relationship yet we just hung out at each otherās houses a lot as if we are in a serious relationship. I donāt know Iām not good at dating but it all felt pretty deceiving. Iām almost 30 I donāt want or need āfriendsā and it wasnāt how I expected him to feel after so much time where my feelings grew it seems like his dwindled down. Or he got comfy? I donāt know. Iāll never know. But it hurts and I am crushed.
Thank you for expressing the truths of a difficult situation .Having self respect is paramount in these issues of love.Giving people space is a form of love.
Thanks for the comment, Lenny.
Much love to you and your loved ones.
Best regards,
Zan
This is a much better explanation than Iāve been reading about in narcissism columns and it fits him more. I tried to tell him it was unbalanced that he needed me so much and was so heartbroken from his divorce and wanted to spend time with me. We became such good friends, spent masses of time together and even kissed a few times. And he even said he had fallen in love with me. But it didnāt last long and he recovered enough to say he wanted to help me with my dating profile. And have me help him with his. Ugh. I had to go no contact for two months. He found someone else during that time and married them five months later! I was crushed. I wish I had walked away earlier, before that first kiss.
Hi Snow.
You got attached to this person and started to like him, but unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same way towards you.
It’s okay though! You can now find someone that will.
Best regards,
Zan
A narcissist is very different from a man who doesn’t want to commit. A narcissist is a person with a disorder, while not committing could be just about any man.
Thank you Zan!
As my ex ghosted me I never got closure as to why he left.
Your article reminds me that there is no point obsessing over his reasons, I won’t be able to figure it out.
Instead I accept that he didn’t want a relationship, I respect his wish and give him what he wants. Total silence and all the space in the universe.
Thanks again for reminding me to have self-respect and dignity
Gigi
Hi Gigi.
Thank you for the comment.
There is indeed no point obsessing about your ex and his reasons for leaving. I’m sure you have more productive, less self-degrading things to do. š
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for this article as well! So on point. I was wondering why my ex said to me we are not enemies several times…he didnāt want to cut all the ties and wanted to have a communication after the breakup but I went full NC.
And when I read your articles my mind itās kike āAhaaaa I see, I seeā
Hope you are safe,
Linda x
Hi Linda.
Your ex didn’t want you to hate him, so he tried to end things on good terms. Probably to keep in touch. It’s a good thing that you told him not to contact you.
Best,
Zan