Breaking up over text is seen as an inconsiderate way of ending a relationship. Regardless of how long a relationship lasted, when a dumpee has feelings, breaking up via text shocks the dumpee and provides him or her with less information and empathy than calling and breaking up in person.
It usually makes the other person more insecure and prevents him or her from receiving essential information, care, and support.
Those who break up over text usually choose this method because it’s emotionally easier (less pressuring) for them to express the desire to break up. Typing “I don’t love you anymore” or “We need to break up” is much easier than verbally expressing it.
This is because it makes the dumper feel less guilty and emotional and gives him or her a way to control the flow, direction, and length of the conversation. If at any point during the conversation, the dumper feels uncomfortable, pressured, questioned, or blamed, the dumper can just stop texting and distance himself or herself from the dumpee.
By doing so, the dumpee can deal with overwhelm and regain control of his or her emotions.
Breaking up over text happens on the dumper’s terms as the dumper controls the pace and direction. The dumper decides what and how much information he or she discloses. On the other hand, breaking up in person or perhaps over a call/video gives the dumpee some form of control.
It allows the dumpee to see the dumper’s expressions and gestures and encourages the dumpee to accept the breakup and feel calm.
When the dumper breaks up in person, the dumper basically shows that he or she understands the importance of talking in person and that the dumper respects the dumpee as well as his or her own values. The dumper proves that he or she wants to do the right thing, which is to give the dumpee a proper closure conversation.
A person who chooses to break up in person usually knows that over-the-text breakups don’t help the dumpee and that the dumpee will feel better after talking about the breakup in person.
The dumpee needs to talk about why the breakup happened and how the breakup will work. By talking about it, the dumpee can find closure (answers that encourage acceptance and detachment) and eventually move on.
Breakups are deeply distressing experiences that can scar or change people in negative ways. They can make some dumpees extremely cautious when it comes to connecting with new dating prospects and getting into new relationships.
That’s why delivering bad news over text is considered unsympathetic, unempathetic, insensitive, and selfish.
The person breaking up via text needs to be mindful of his or her partner’s feelings and must approach the dumpee with utmost care and respect. It’s the least the dumpee deserves for staying committed until the very end.
In this article, we answer the question, “Is breaking up over text okay?” We talk about why it’s bad to break up over text in most cases and describe situations where breaking up over text may be somewhat acceptable.
Is it ok to break up over text?
It’s not ok to break up over text. Text is just text – words on the screen that can be misinterpreted and taken very personally. Text messages provide very little empathy and care. They often make matters worse as they confuse dumpees and make them feel uncared for, invalidated, and unworthy of proper explanations.
Breaking up via text is something dumpers do to avoid difficult emotions such as guilt and shame. Deep inside, they know they have a moral responsibility to explain things properly and answer the dumpee’s questions, but because they feel uncomfortable, smothered, or angry, they prioritize themselves and end things over text anyway.
Texting allows them to terminate the relationship safely from a distance and minimize the damage done to them by their ex’s unwanted reaction. An unwanted reaction is anything the dumpee says or does out of pain, anxiety, shock, and denial.
If the dumpee starts crying, for example, the dumper could feel guilty and could start crying too. That would make the dumper feel the kind of emotions he or she had been trying to avoid.
You’ve got to understand that dumpers would rather not talk about the reasons they lost feelings. They’d prefer to just drift away and let the dumpee deal with the mess they and/or the breakup have created. This means their discontent matters more to them than their ex’s suffering and uncertainty.
If their ex’s suffering mattered more to them, they’d break up in person or in some other way. Almost anything would be better than the text method.
A better (but not perfect) way to break up with the dumpee would be via voice or video calls. These methods of communication add a layer of participation as they allow the dumpee to detect the dumper’s tone and expressions (empathy).
Provided that the dumper is nice, voice and video calls can show the dumpee that he or she wasn’t solely responsible for the breakup and that the dumpee needn’t blame himself or herself. The dumpee can just work on accepting the separation and focus on moving on.
You see, after the breakup, dumpees are extremely vulnerable to ill-treatment.
If they see that their ex doesn’t care, they can take their ex’s lack of care to heart and try even harder to make a good impression on the dumper. That’s how they hinder the speed at which they process hope and rejection pain and make themselves more dependent on their ex.
Now that we’ve discussed breaking up over text and voice/video calls, that only leaves breaking up in person. Such breakups allow the dumpee to hear the dumper, see the dumper, and feel the dumper.
All methods of breaking up are extremely challenging for dumpees as they cause overwhelming anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. But if dumpers have a choice (and most of them do), they should break up with their partner in person.
It may not be what they want, but it’s what the dumpee wants and needs to cope with the breakup and regain his or her emotional independence. If the dumpee feels respected, cared for, and important as a person, chances are the dumpee will start no contact and leave the dumper alone.
Of course, how the dumper leaves the dumpee isn’t the only factor that determines how the dumpee handles the breakup. But it’s clear that dumpees who are treated like strangers suffer the most and are at high risk of contacting the dumper and making other breakup mistakes.
These mistakes are a step back in recovery both for dumpees and dumpers, hence why both parties should be kind and willing to help in ways that they can.
So even though breaking up over text is more convenient for the dumper, don’t think it’s the right thing to do. It’s oftentimes very difficult for the dumpee because the dumpee feels alone and scared and doesn’t have the support he or she badly needs to deal with rejection.
You have to remember that the breakup instantly destroys the dumpee’s self-esteem and triggers his or her cravings for affection. And since the dumpee can’t get affection anymore, the very least he or she can get is some in-person comfort.
Comfort prevents the dumpee from engaging in self-destructive self-blame, encourages the dumpee to ask questions (get closure), and eases his or her anxiety and self-doubt.
In-person interactions let the dumpee see how the dumper thinks and feels. If the dumper is patient and empathetic (which he or she should be), the dumpee can feel cared for despite not being loved. The dumpee understands why the breakup happened and sees that there are no winners in a breakup.
But if the dumper breaks up over text and responds vaguely, impatiently, angrily, and infrequently, then the dumpee has no idea what’s going on and what he or she did to deserve that kind of treatment. That can trigger the dumpee’s depression and delay his or her closure and the time it takes to fully process the breakup.
Every interaction is vital to the dumpee. Especially the interaction during the breakup because a poorly-handled closure conversation can lead to a feeling of worthlessness, self-doubt, and self-blame and can cause all sorts of long-term trauma and trust issues.
So if you’re going to break up with someone, remember that texting is impersonal and that it makes the other person know nothing about how you think and feel. It doesn’t give him or her the desired answers, reassurance, and a break from anxiety and unwanted thoughts.
All it does is create more questions that he or she can’t get answers to.
Here’s why it’s bad to break up over text.
Breaking up over text should be avoided at all costs. Dumpers should understand that their about-to-be ex deserves and needs verbal explanations. It’s through a back-and-forth conversation that the dumpee can understand and accept the breakup and start losing hope.
So if you want to know if it’s ok to break up over text, know that it’s not. Texting may be easier than calling or meeting up, but it’s also a lot harder for the dumpee.
If you can choose between breaking up over text, call, and in person, always go for the most personal approach. Yes, speaking in person or perhaps even on call or video could make you feel uncomfortable because you’ll see and hear your partner get emotional and ask a lot of questions, but that’s the least of your worries.
As a dumper, you owe your partner explanations, empathy, care, and support. Give your partner or ex-partner as much information and reassurance as he or she needs.
I suppose if we categorized types of breakups from worst to best, they’d look like this:
- Breaking up without an explanation (ghosting)
- Breaking up without actually breaking up (after taking a “break”)
- Breaking up over text, app, game, or social media
- Breaking up over a call
- Breaking up over a video call
- Breaking up in person
The less personal the breakup is, the more explanations the dumpee needs and the harder the breakup is on him or her. That’s why the dumper should put himself or herself in the dumpee’s shoes and avoid breaking up over text.
Those who break up over text choose a cowardly way out of the relationship. They don’t see that their actions stop the dumpee from receiving closure and that they make it difficult for the dumpee to learn why the breakup happened and what the dumpee needs to work on.
When is it ok to break up over text?
Most people who text their partner the relationship is over can also call their partner. They have numerous ways of ending a relationship with someone they no longer love. A breakup text isn’t their only option.
They choose that option only because it’s the quickest and easiest way for them (not their partner) to deal with the situation.
But once in a while, people actually can’t reach their partner. They or their partner are traveling or working where there’s no signal and have fallen out of love (and possibly in love with someone else).
Such people, of course, shouldn’t terminate their relationship and pursue a relationship with someone else right away.
But if they totally ruined the relationship (let’s say they cheated) and they don’t have the will to fix things and reach out to their partner not even via call, then I suppose that sending a text is better than stringing their partner along (while developing a bond with someone else).
They can send a text that explains why they’ve decided to end the relationship and say that they’ll be happy to provide answers if their ex needs any.
Ending a short-term relationship via text might also be acceptable if you went on just a few dates and there are no feelings and expectations yet. In that case, sending a text with an explanation as to why you’ve decided not to pursue the relationship any further might also be ok.
It depends on how infatuated your partner is with you and whether you’ve made any plans for the future.
You can also consider breaking up over text when you fear for your or your family’s safety. For example, if your partner is abusive, you can move out beforehand and then send him or her a text, explaining why you’ve decided to end things.
Abusive or not, he or she still needs an explanation. A lack of understanding of your decision and behavior could further infuriate an abuser and bring out his or her aggressive tendencies.
And lastly, breaking up via text would also be okay when you and your partner are both completely and utterly done with each other. When you know that your partner has moved on and you’ve done or decided to do the same, you can finally officially break up via text and go your separate ways.
Your partner “shouldn’t” get hurt and need a more personal approach. Not when feelings are gone. Choose this method of breaking up only if you’re certain the relationship has ended a long time ago.
In conclusion, breaking up over text needs to be avoided in most cases as the breakup can feel impersonal and can lead to misunderstandings, disagreements, and various problems.
Do you think it’s ok to break up over text? When do you think that leaving someone over text is acceptable? Let us know in the comments below.
And lastly, if you’re thinking of breaking up with someone over text or have been left over text yourself, feel free to get in touch with us via our coaching program.
I was left by my long-term partner by text during my birthday party because I invited his childhood friend (who was in our group) and not him. Before that he didn’t talk to me after an argument for a few days, I was the one to reach out to him, we kind of reconciled and I told him that I was so hurt that he knew my party would be this Sunday but he showed no interest. I said I can’t invite him and act like normal in front of our friends so I don’t want him to come but he can make it up to me by planning something else for my birthday. He agreed and said he respects my choice. The day of the party he found out that I had invited his friend and he called me furious accusing me of trying to separate him from his friend because he would be in town only for thay day after being gone for months due to military. His friend hadn’t mentioned anything about my ex and I didn’t even know if he’ll come or not because he said he wanted to see his mother first. I had no idea about this. Because I was shocked I hanged up the call and then he texted me it’s over. I asked him why he’s doing this to me. He replied “this is what you deserve. No making up for your birthday”. I thought it was a misunderstanding so I texted him hours later explaining to him how I didn’t intend anything like that but he refused to listen. Our friend has his own car and could leave anytime but he chose to come to my party to see all of his other friends, yet my ex didn’t blame him at all for his decision and instead lashed out on me. Especially he wasn’t hurt because I didn’t want him to be there but because he didn’t see his friend. They even met later that day…
This experience has been traumatic for me and I can’t understand how a person that cuddled me a week before, claimed to love me even after our breakup and said they want to try for our relationship just a month ago could treat me like that. He blamed me about everything else in our relationship
Hi Ioanna.
Your ex became resentful over time. Due to poor communicaton, he kept negative feelings inside and waited for a trigger to release them. That trigger was when he found out his friend was invited to the party as he felt replaced and unwanted. In retaliation, he decided to hurt you back and end things with you.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but the relationship needed to end. It couldn’t exist with all the unprocessed feelings and way of resolving problems.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thank you, Zan for this new blog! I said to my ex that is not ok to break up over text. But it was his decision and I started the contact rule thanks to you and was the best decision of my life
Always grateful for your help ❤️
Hi Linda.
How did your ex respond when you criticized his method of leaving? I wonder if he said anything at all and if he felt bad.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan, I’m rereading your entire works in order for the third time, I constantly feel like I’m in a new situation.
You may remember my story as breaking up with the mother of my kids and turning down a family Christmas.
My daughters birthday was recently and after months of no contact (kid contact) I have truly given up.
I asked for my daughter the day before her birthday and since she had school the day after I wouldn’t have had to see my ex and my daughter would get two birthdays.
My ex phoned me and for the first time in months we had a conversation.
She didn’t want me to have our daughter in the morning of her birthday but I persuaded her and offered to bring her round in the morning. This escalated as my daughter asked me round for the evening part too which I agreed to.
We ALL had a great time, my ex and I were conversing really well even with a few pointed reminders we are done from herself.
She even seemed to semi suggest I hang around after bedtime but I got really avoidant and said goodnight to the kids and left, which I slightly regret.
My lack of ambition and inability to drive were constant thorns in my exes side and I recently addressed BOTH of those in the space of a week (coincidentally, obviously a good new job and a driving licence and getting a car are long processes) and managed to let her know about both organically without rubbing it in her face.
She got a little upset on the phone about how my life is going great (obviously unaware and unable to relate to the daily crushing pain) and hers isn’t and lamenting the fact I didn’t remedy these issues while together like she wasn’t good enough (again unaware that the dumpee will move heaven and earth post breakup).
She noted my car is quite shabbily messy and offered to valet it for me. Again I don’t for one second believe there are romantic intentions but a recurring theme throughout the breakup would be I’d do one good thing, get insecure and demand validation and ruin everything good I did.
So the other night was a good night and iv decided to be slightly vulnerable and go, old me would have manipulatively rejected her offer at the last minute but I seem to have finally realised.
The thing is, regardless of how well it goes, this whole thing goes against your entire work?
She hasn’t had an epiphany, she hasn’t seen my worth and she hasn’t even had a chance to digest the great steps iv taken.
What should I do here? I’m tempted to go and just enjoy whatever happens with one eye on securing more in person time (suggesting I could come around some days for evening meal with the kids) and simply allowing good to happen and standing in the storm of any resistance.
Our in person interactions have always been perfect, it was separation anxiety and my insecurity that led to me destroying my final hopes. One other thing is my previous job really hindered her (stereotypical) new social life and I was obviously seen as a barrier to freedom because of my inability to have the kids over the weekend, the new job remedies that, as you teach when you share kids you should let them be as free as they need to be, whereas I was clearly THE barrier, yet again, as she has projected her bad life onto me before and after this process, as you teach that’s why we are here.
She is seemingly miserable, verbally and otherwise, is on anti depressants, yet hasn’t moved in my direction AT All.
Her demeanour dictates she believes she could have me at any moment, in fact I honestly think I’d have to get engaged for her to truly ‘lose me’.
What do I do Zan? I’m absolutely desperate and out of answers and ideas, the kids and the continuing evidence of enjoying each others company is too much assurance to keep fighting.
But her pain avoidance alongside the mind medication and other things mean if I step down the route of action I won’t be able to change my mind.
I’m everything she ever wanted me to be and more, now I know that’s logic but it’s too true.
I’m terrified and yours is the one opinion I would dearly dearly love here, what do I do?
Hi Steven.
You should minimize the time you spend with her, not increase it. You may have had a decent conversation, but she expressed to you that you’re not going to get back together. Getting a driving license and a better job aren’t the main issues here. Even if you improve those parts of your life, she’s still going to feel the way she does about the breakup. So don’t try to prove your changes. This isn’t the time for that. If you try to prove a point, she might just get angry for doing all these things too late.
It’s best to just continue getting space and letting her see what life is like without you. It’s good that you get along, but you should keep your interactions to a minimum and only about the kids. If anyone should be putting in the effort, it’s her. But she should only be doing that with the intention to regain your forgiveness and trust. At the moment, she’s just going with the flow. And that’s not good enough for romance to redevelop. Something big (probably painful) needs to happen for her to revisit the idea of being with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Been a reader for quite a while now. This like all your other blog posts is completely accurate. My most recent ex broke up with me through text and I went through exactly what you said. I had so many questions that I immediately called him up. My ego and self esteem were shattered completely. I begged and pleaded for a day and then immediately went no contact. It’s been two months and I’m still healing but one thing for sure is that my ex was indeed a coward. Keep up the good work with these posts and thank you for helping many others like myself.
All the best,
Jess
Hi Jess.
Thanks for reading the blog.
Your ex was afraid of telling you how he felt, so he broke up with you via text. I hope that you’ve gotten the answers you badly needed and that you recover soon! Let me know if you have any questions or a story to share.
Best regards,
Zan