Meeting up with an ex as a dumpee can be dangerous. It can make you relive the pain from the breakup and force you to crave your ex’s love and support again. It can reset your healing and make you wonder why you decided to meet up with an ex who rejected you and hurt you more than anyone else.
If you’re thinking about meeting up with an ex for the first time since the breakup, be very careful. Don’t just think about how great it would be if things went the way you want them to go. Make sure to also consider the dangers of meeting up with an ex. Dangers such as your ex wanting to be friends, telling you he/she is dating again, and showing you that he or she is happy.
These things could hurt your self-esteem and stop you from moving on for weeks or longer. So don’t be hasty. Ask yourself if you’re thinking of meeting up with your ex mainly because you’re in pain and want the pain to go away. If the answer is yes, you may want to consider postponing the meetup for a while so that you can lower the expectations of your ex coming back to you.
Although many dumpers invite their exes out to get back with them, not all dumpers do that. Some just want to catch up, bury the hatchet, or be friends. It’s also possible that your ex wants to meet up to assuage his or her guilt or talk about something he or she needs help with.
That wouldn’t help you much if at all. It would just make you analyze your ex’s behavior and make you wonder if your ex is playing games with you.
So instead of meeting up with an ex shortly after the breakup, it might be in your best interest to avoid unnecessary stress and anxiety by staying in no contact. You might be happier if you don’t meet up with your ex and see that your ex isn’t thinking about getting back with you.
That’s because seeing your ex in person (and that your ex doesn’t want you back) could make you crave your ex’s validation again. The meetup could have a drug-like effect on you and make you think that you need to stay on good terms with your ex to impress your ex.
That would increase your ex-dependency and delay your healing process.
So consider prioritizing your health and well-being so that you don’t do something you might regret.
If you’re thinking of meeting up with your ex and you don’t know whether to accept your ex’s invitation, this article will provide you with some information. It will help you make a sensible decision and dissuade you from saying yes to everything your ex suggests.
Meeting up with an ex can be avoided
Please know that you don’t have to meet up with an ex if you think that seeing and talking to your ex is going to hurt you. You don’t need to do it no matter how desperate you are for your ex’s recognition. Your well-being always comes first.
This includes your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial well-being. You need to protect yourself by keeping your ex at a distance for as long as it takes – even if it takes years.
So if you have a feeling that your ex doesn’t want you back and that meeting up with an ex from the past could endanger your happiness and healing, feel free to reject your ex’s invitation.
Decline your ex’s offer in a respectful way and tell your ex that you’re not interested in meeting up.
You don’t have to go into detail and give your ex a thorough explanation of your decision-making process. Just say that you’re not interested at this moment because you’re trying to focus on yourself and that you’ll let your ex know if you change your mind.
That’s it.
The thing with exes is that they don’t always want to get back together with us the moment they contact us. Most of the time they just want to know how we’re doing so that they can reduce their guilt and move on with a clear conscience.
What you should pay attention to is who suggested meeting up. If it was you, it’s highly likely that your ex doesn’t want you back. He or she most likely accepted your proposal to exchange a few words and learn how you’re handling the breakup.
This kind of meetup likely won’t progress in ways that you want it to. Not even if you keep meeting up again and again. Most exes who get back together meet up only once. And most of the time, dumpers suggest meeting up themselves. That’s because they’re hurting, regretting breaking up with their dumpee, and need their ex’s validation.
So keep in mind that by inviting you out, your ex may plan to use you for his or her selfish reasons that have nothing to do with you and discard you the moment your ex gets what he or she wants. That would likely hurt you more than anything and leave you confused.
In the breakup world, we call this breadcrumbing.
The only difference between regular breadcrumbing and in-person breadcrumbing is that, well… the latter happens in person, rather than via texts and calls.
That’s why you have to be careful about meeting up with an ex after the breakup. Before you agree to meet up with your ex, make sure that your ex appears regretful, sad, and defeated. If your ex is talkative and happy, you won’t gain anything by meeting up with your ex as you’ll meet up with your ex for the wrong reasons.
You’ve got to understand that not all meetups are good meetups. Sometimes dumpers want to meet up because they don’t want to lose the connection they have with their ex. They want to keep their ex around for convenience, so they decide to invite their ex out and talk about unimportant things.
Do your best to discover your ex’s intentions before you agree to meet up. A simple way to do that is to ask why your ex wants to meet up. If your ex says he or she misses you and wants to catch up, that’s an invitation for friendship.
You’re looking for an emotional, shy, anxious, reluctant, yet concise response that indicates your ex wants to talk to you about something important.
You can safely reject your ex’s invitation!
If you want to get back with your ex, you don’t necessarily have to accept your ex’s invitation to meet up the moment he or she invites you out.
The reason you don’t have to be a “yes-man” to your ex is that if your ex really wants to see you, your ex will insist on meeting up with you even if you say no! Your ex will be anxious and try to find out why you said no. That’s when you can explain that you’re focusing on yourself and that if your ex wants to say anything to you that he or she can say it on the phone/through text.
I know you may have some doubts and probably think that your ex would instantly give up because your ex is the most stubborn and prideful person on the planet, but pride isn’t an issue when a person is anxious. When the dumper really wants you back, he or she will instantly overcome pride and all childhood issues.
Pain is much stronger than pride, hence why you can expect your ex to insist on meeting up or just say what he or she wanted to say on the phone.
I’ve personally witnessed many breakups where dumpees said no to meeting up with dumpers but dumpers continued to request to meet up anyway. They came up with excuses to see dumpees in person and arranged the meetup despite being rejected.
Such dumpers didn’t take no for an answer. They wanted to reconnect with their ex and help themselves feel better.
That’s why you aren’t obliged to agree to meet up with your ex when your ex invites you out.
You can just play it safe and protect your heart by respectfully declining the meetup and waiting another few minutes to see whether your ex is serious about you. If he or she is, your ex will invite you out. And if your ex isn’t, he or she isn’t serious about you and doesn’t want nor need you back. Your ex is okay with just catching up or being your friend.
Here’s what you can do when your ex wants to meet up with you.
You would swim oceans to get back together with your ex, so don’t think your ex would give up on the first try. If your ex wanted you back, your ex would try to convince you to meet up by saying something promising like “I want to tell you something, I want to tell you in person, when are you free?”
So don’t be afraid of protecting your health and saying you don’t want to meet up. Just make sure to be polite so that your ex can see you aren’t holding any grudges.
Why does your ex want to meet up with you?
Every situation is different, but in general, exes want to meet up for the following reasons:
- to relieve their guilt and check up on you to see if you’re still hurt
- to become/remain friends with you
- for validation and self-empowerment purposes
- out of routine and habit – for boredom, entertainment, and various relationship wants, needs, cravings, and benefits
- to get back together with you
Sometimes exes want to meet up just to ask for some kind of favor and give nothing in return. They may, of course, thank you for the favor, but that won’t make you very happy and help you deal with separation anxiety. It will probably just confuse you a lot as you’ll wonder if your ex actually needs a favor or is just curious about you and wants an excuse to speak with you.
You likely want all or nothing from your ex. You want him or her to come back and love you or stay away from you and let you heal. So before you become just a friend to an ex you have feelings for, think about whether friendship is worth it. Do you want your ex to keep giving you hope or are you trying to let go of hope and detach once and for all?
Give it some thought and decide what the best course of action is.
Meeting up with your ex can help your ex fall in love with you again
It goes without saying that staying in your ex’s safety net can eventually make your ex come crawling back. But the bitter truth about it is that it usually takes a very long time for that to happen.
It could take months or years before your ex goes through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and naturally lets go of the smothering, repelling, breakup emotions.
Not only that.
When your ex stops feeling negative emotions toward you, he or she also has to start feeling positive ones. It’s no rocket science that your ex has to develop a craving to give love and receive love from you in order to commit to you.
So before you get too excited and hopeful, bear in mind that your ex may or may not ever develop such cravings again.
This strongly depends on:
- whether/who your ex is dating
- how he or she is feeling
- what’s happening in your ex’s life (the difficulties life throws at your ex)
- your ex’s mindset, self-awareness, and the ability to let go of the past
- your attitude toward life and your ex as well as the mistakes you make
These factors will determine your ex’s happiness and attraction toward you—as well as his or her willingness to bond on a deeper level.
Other than staying positive and avoiding post-breakup mistakes, therefore, getting back together with your ex is completely out of your control. You can’t do much to make your ex see you differently and feel different emotions for you.
All you can do is step back from your ex and let him or her come to you. That’s how your ex can see that you’re not a threat and that meeting up with you may be safe and the right thing to do.
After seeing you in person, your ex won’t immediately fall back in love with you. Your ex will still need to see your romantic worth.
And there are only two ways that could happen.
- Your ex engages in introspection and realizes he or she wasn’t perfect either.
- Your ex gets hurt and is forced to self-reflect and realize your worth.
Both methods work. But the method that tends to create better results is the one where your ex gets hurt and feels forced to grow and make some healthy adjustments.
Meeting up with an ex as friends
The real problem with meeting up with an ex as friends is that you may still have some feelings for your ex (or feelings you aren’t aware of). When your ex shows you he or she is doing fine without you, you could take that personally and get hurt.
And that could cause you a painful setback and make you want your ex’s validation again. The meetup could keep your wounds open and your heart broken for many months longer than it needs to be.
That’s why I suggest that you don’t settle for friendship with your ex for as long as you have certain relationship expectations of your ex.
As long as you crave your ex’s love and need him or her to feel secure, you’re far better off making some new friends and hanging out with your old ones.
I’m sure you have people in your life who can support you rather than confuse you and hurt you. Focus on those people and wait at least a year before you consider becoming friends with your ex.
But I want to show my ex I’ve changed!
Most male dumpees want to showcase change and improvement. They want their exes to see that they’re capable of growing and that they’ve made a lot of improvements. Such dumpees don’t understand that their exes don’t care about improvements.
They stopped caring about them when they gave up on dumpees and left them.
So even if you’ve improved in many ways, don’t think that your ex will be impressed by your personal growth. Your ex isn’t in a convincing state of mind, so your ex will probably just ignore it, congratulate you, or be angry with you for not improving sooner.
No matter what your ex does, don’t meet up with your ex to demonstrate how much you’ve learned and improved. Your ex won’t come back no matter how much you’ve grown. To come back, something bad will likely have to happen to your ex. Something that makes your ex want to be with the person you used to be.
Your improvements, therefore, would merely be a bonus.
When should you meet up with an ex?
It’s difficult to put a time frame on when it’s okay to meet up with an ex, but in general, it should be safe to meet up about 8 months or so after the breakup.
If it’s your first breakup, however, then you may want to wait a year or even a year and a half before you meet up with your ex. Basically, when you’re mainly or completely over your ex is when meeting up with an ex can be considered safe.
And that’s because you won’t expect anything or much from your ex. You won’t look at him or her with sparkling, puppy eyes as if your ex is the only human being left on Earth.
You’ll be your best detached self and will meet up with your ex strictly for old times’ sake to catch up as ex-partners.
With that said, here’s when meeting up with an ex is safe.
The reason you should wait until you’re over your ex is so that you and your ex can both recover in ways you need to. You as a dumpee will lose hope and become emotionally independent whereas your ex as a dumper will stop feeling smothered by your behavior and/or presence.
When that happens, you will be the most attractive you can be.
That’s because:
- You’ll appear confident and not needy.
- Your ex will let go of negative perceptions.
- Your ex may develop a desire to be with you.
Meeting up with an ex for closure
Unless your ex tells you to reach out for closure, I strongly suggest that you don’t seek closure from a person who’s probably not going to give it to you.
Asking for it when you don’t know how your emotionally exhausted ex is going to react is a very dangerous move. It’s a gamble as it’s going to keep your expectations high and hurt you badly if your ex doesn’t give you what you need.
The only time you should meet up with your ex for closure is when your ex is mature, empathetic, and willing to help. That’s when you can tell your ex that you’ve accepted the breakup but that you’d like to ask some questions if that’s okay.
Say that your ex’s answers to your questions will help you process the breakup quicker and make you feel much better.
Once you’ve expressed a desire to meet up with your ex, wait for your ex to respond. An understanding ex will be happy to help you as doing so will make him or her feel good about it.
Meeting up with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend requires patience
Many dumpees want to meet up with their ex immediately after the breakup. They don’t care that their ex needs time to process the breakup. They just want what’s best for them and as a result, tend to make a lot of mistakes that irritate dumpees.
If you don’t want to annoy your ex and see your ex’s dark side, you need to give your ex space and let your ex be the one to invite you out. Your ex inviting you out will indicate that your ex is the one who’s interested in meeting up with you and getting something from you.
Always remember that the person initiating, planning, and inviting is putting in the effort and showing interest. He or she wants something from the other person.
And that’s what you’re looking for. You want your ex to show interest in you rather than you in him or her.
Meeting up with an ex after a long time
Meeting up with an ex after a long time is way better than meeting up after a few weeks. That’s because leaving your ex alone for a while will take the pressure off your ex and allow your ex to feel better about you.
It may not make your ex fall in love with you, but it will give your ex a chance to distance himself or herself from problems and see what life after the breakup looks like.
If your ex doesn’t like the way new life looks, your ex might give you your lost power back and ask to get back with you. And that’s when you can meet up and discuss the things you need to discuss as ex-partners.
The more time passes, the higher the chance that your ex will process things, run into some kind of problem, and want you back. So don’t be afraid of giving your ex time and meeting up after a long time. If you wait a long time, you won’t have any expectations of your ex and will handle the meetup much better than if you were to rush things.
How to ask your ex to meet up with you?
As a dumpee, you should never ask your ex to meet up with you.
There’s too much at stake, such as:
- Reopening your wounds.
- Pushing your ex away.
You’re way better off waiting for your ex to ask you to meet up with him/her. Your ex was the one who left, so your ex must be the one to come back. That’s how it needs to be so that your ex can become interested in you and invest in you.
As a dumpee, you need to understand that taking the initiative with your ex won’t solve any problems. It will create new ones as you’ll get rejected, push your ex further away, and suffer immensely.
You must give up on inviting your ex out and let your ex do the necessary work. You won’t be playing games or anything like that. All you’ll be doing is restoring balance to the broken relationship.
When your ex agrees to meet up with you
When your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend agrees to meet up with you, don’t get too excited. Try to first figure out why your ex accepted the invitation and if going through with the plan is even a good idea.
If your ex doesn’t even message you, talk to you, and show a strong need to meet up, there’s no point in following through. Your ex will most likely meet up with you just to see if it’s possible to be friends with you.
If you’re over your ex and friendship is what you want, then sure, go ahead and meet up with your ex. Friendship might be what you’re looking for. But if you’re not ready for friendship or another rejection, don’t do it. Tell your ex you’ve changed your mind and that you need more time to focus on yourself.
Your ex should understand and accept your decision. Especially if your ex has no feelings for you. As I mentioned earlier, your ex will insist only if you show you’re not interested in meeting up.
So if you already invited your ex to meet up with you, know that you have only two options now. The first option is to say you’re not ready for friendship and ask for space. And the second option is to meet up with your ex and avoid talking about getting back together.
Here are a few things you must do and not do when your ex agrees to meet up with you.
What to do after meeting up with your ex?
If you met up with your ex and everything went well, you need to slow down a bit. Just because your ex agreed to meet up with you, that doesn’t mean you should immediately invite your ex out again.
You shouldn’t just pick up the phone and tell your ex that it’s been forever since you had so much fun. If you do that, you will let your ex know you’re super excited to talk and put pressure on your ex.
You must remember that your ex left you because your ex felt pressured and that your ex doesn’t want to feel pressured again. Now that you met up, you must strive for a healthy balance. In other words, you must let your ex express an interest in meeting up with you.
But you shouldn’t just let your ex invite you out. If you keep inviting each other out, things won’t get anywhere. You’ll just become friends. And friends don’t fall back in love after they’ve become exes. Not very often, at least.
What you must do is go back to no contact and keep detaching.
You’ll feel sad and anxious for a while because you’ll miss your ex, but if your ex doesn’t want you back, you’ll recover and realize that going back to no contact helped you save face and recover from the breakup.
Are you thinking of meeting up with your ex or have you met up already? Comment below and let us know how it went and what you think.
And if you’d like to discuss the details of meeting up with your ex with us, click here to get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Please help.
Avoidant Ex (6 years long term relationship and living together) broke up with me (we’ve had 2 “breaks” before but this first proper break up) . I believe breaking point being pressure on him to get engaged, not by me but friends and family.
I moved out and did NC for 4 weeks (hardest time I’ve ever gone through) when ex got in touch with me in the last week regarding bills, has since contacted me twice about bills via text and call, briefly mentioned he still cares about me and probing for more information as assume he was curious and guilty. He has been very cold but I feel he thought I would beg and plead for him to give us another chance for his ego, I haven’t and have stuck to NC.
On our last call regarding bills I mentioned potentially meeting up, he then followed up via text on this and with slow response we’ve said maybe this week.
Do I meet him or should I backtrack and say it probably best we don’t?
I want to pretend I’m fine but having read this blog I think perhaps it may set me back.
Hi Hannah.
You shouldn’t meet up with him. He can’t give you anything you need to love yourself. Only you can do that. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and wish good good luck.
From now on, avoid inviting him out. Don’t even speak to him. He has to realize he lost you completely and that you’re going to be just fine without him.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I recently commented on another article of yours asking why my ex wanted to meet up.
We met up at the weekend and things went really well at the beginning. We got along well like before and shared news and had good conversations. My ex told me he thought I would be having a hard time after the breakup, but I seemed to be doing well. He also complimented me from time to time and looked at me lovingly.
We finished dinner and were leaving so I suggested a café. He suggested one I had wanted to visit with him when we were together. We walked there and from time to time reminisced about places we visited.
At the café, we continued with small talk and I asked him why he invited me. He said he just wanted to see me and talk with me, and to see how I was. I know it’s not a good idea to mention the break up but he had brushed it under the rug like it had never happened. Our breakup was also very confusing and we were both extremely emotional, so I had questions.
I asked why he broke up with me and he said it was because I wanted to return to my home country. I decided to accept that as a difference in life goals, but then he told me that he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me, and wanted to move to my country! So I asked what the problem was. He just said he didn’t think he could get a job.
I didn’t want to, but I went into problem solving mode and we discussed the logistics of moving. He seemed more receptive than before but he kept thinking of small negatives and excuses. I gave him a solution to all of them. Nothing came of this and he apologised to me for being negative and said, “I’m sorry, I know you were waiting for me.”
This comment really stressed me out because it felt like he’d been sitting around during no contact thinking that I would never get over him. I told him that wasn’t the case. He’d also mentioned friendship in the past, so I politely told him that seeing as we still have feelings for each other, being friends would be too difficult for both of us. He agreed.
We walked back to the station and talked like normal. At the station, he hugged me and kisses my forehead. It seemed like he wanted me to hug him back tightly but I didn’t. He asked me to text him when I got home. I was so confused because we’d just agreed to not be friends and there was no talk of getting back together, so I told him I wished him all the best and he seemed really confused. He started to say, “See you later.” but realised that that didn’t make sense and then he just stuttered. I asked him if there was something he wanted to say and he said he didn’t know what to say. He was really flustered. Then we just said goodbye and parted ways. It’s only been a few days but we haven’t contacted each other since.
I’m just really doubting my actions because I’m worried that I’ve completely ruined any chance of getting back together. It felt like things were going well, but then it seemed like there was no change. When he said that he knew I’d been waiting for him, I was scared that he wasn’t taking any of it seriously and that maybe he was going to string me along. I don’t think he ever thought he could lose me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Kayleigh.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You needed to be a bit tough on him so he wouldn’t think you’re a pushover. You told him you weren’t waiting, which is good. He just assumed that you were and that you’d do anything to be with him. This kind of mentality is damaging and shows he thinks he can get you back anytime.
Mind you, a guy who loves you will go anywhere with you. if he doesn’t, he doen’t want to align his goals and thinking for you. He seemed willing to go at first, but maybe it was just him missing you. If he does have feelings for you, rest assured that he’ll overcome his pride and reach out.
If not, he’ll let you stay in no contact and give you time to move on. I suggest you do as you agreed – don’t be friends. Let silence heal your wounds and test the guy’s feelings.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s really good to hear your feedback and to get some reassurance. I was getting a little stressed and going between the idea that I did the right thing, but also the idea that it was the wrong thing.
I agree, at the time I felt like it was the only response I could give him because of what he said.
Thank you for your advice. I’ll stay in no contact and just see what happens. Ultimately I hope we do reconcile, but if we don’t I know that I did everything I could.
Thank you again 🙂
Hi Kayleigh.
Cut yourself some slack, you did okay! It’s his turn to show are and interest. You just need to heal. Keep reminding yourself you did everything you could and that the ball is in his court.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you so much, Zan. I really appreciate it 😊
You’re most welcome, Kayleigh!
Hi Zan,
Just sending an update and that’s to say that nothing has changed. My ex and I have been in no contact for 3 weeks since we met up.
I guess I should assume that there is no chance of reconciliation.
Hi Kayleigh.
He’s not interested in being with you at the moment, so keep letting go of hope. You need to think that there’s no chance of getting back together. It will free you and let you enjoy life again.
Best,
Zan
I dont understand all this game playing and wishy washy talk with an ex. If your ex wants to meet within weeks of the breakup, and you still have feelings for them. Ask them directly why they want to meet. “Do you want to work on the relationship or not?” That’s it. If not, back to no contact and healing. Let’s be adults.
Hi Thomas.
The dumper should indicate the desire to reconcile. If you ask him/her, the dumper could feel trapped and uncomfortable. It’s always best not to put yourself in the position of a beggar.
Sincerely,
Zan
I met up with my ex recently after 4 years. It was a casual relationship from the start but I wanted more but he wasn’t interested so I left. A year after that he reached out to meet up and when I followed up on that, he ghosted me. Last year, he asked to meet to catch up, nothing came of it until last month when he said “oh I realized we never actually got together”. We met up for drinks and the conversation was good and I thought that was the end of it. But then after that he asked to come over and hang out some more. I should’ve said no but I genuinely didn’t think anything of it because I thought “there’s no way he’ll initiate anything”. Well he did and we ended up having sex. Now I’m more confused than ever and have totally fucked up my healing process. I just wished i could go back in time and read this article. Maybe I would’ve made better decisions. 🙁
Hi Priscimoji.
He probably just wanted to sleep with you. You need to cut him off so you can heal and detach and then fall in love with someone else. From now on, don’t let him pull you back in. Tell him you need time to yourself and that you’ll let him know if you want to talk.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
My ex broke up with me a week after NYE, he asked 2 days before the breakup that he needed to see me on the Friday, I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to bother him too much. He came and I saw him approach with a bag to my house while I was waiting outside, he cuddled me as we went to the park and when we sat down he said the dreaded words.. ‘We need to break up’, he was in tears and so was I.. I said why and he said it’s not you it’s me I’m not happy. He made a decision and he got his stuff back and dropped my stuff off and that was it. He left and gave me a kiss and walked away.
I decided from then to follow the no contact rule. On the 28th day he finally contacted me. He said he hopes I’m okay and said he hopes that we could have a chat at some point in the future when I was ready. And wanted to give me the opportunity to ask him any questions that I might have. He then in another paragraph wanted to tell me some news about him getting an agent while at uni.
I got back to him 4 days later and said that I think I’d be ready for a chat at some point. And then congratulated him.
He didn’t reply until I realised a week later that he was waiting for me to so I got back to him and asked about meeting soon. He said he is up for it but wants to not rush into seeing each other as it’s still fresh. He said he wants me to understand why things happened so I can find closure or said hopefully still be friends…
Is this a good sign he misses me? Our relationship was absolutely fine, I believe he will miss me one day and regret his decision. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. I think he’s confused about everything and his career was getting in front of it.
Hi Dean.
It’s not a sign that he misses you as a partner but that he’s waiting for you to be ready to be friends. If you want closure, get some answers out of him. But if not, stay away from him and keep moving on.
Best regards,
Zan
You hoped me ask myself some questions like whether meeting up is something I need because of the pain I was feeling. And you were right, so I started in NC, and it was the best thing that I did
He wasn’t interested in reconciliation, and I’m finally free from all the situation.
Always grateful for you, Zan
Hi Linda.
You’re free from your ex and much stronger because of him. You got the most out of NC.
Great job!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for your amazing blog, even tough your advise is very good, it’s very hard sometimes. Still wish I had discovered this page before.
I had been together with my ex for 3 years, I’m almost 29, she’s almost 26. For both of us it has been the longest relationship we have been in. She broke up with me 2 months ago and I have been an absolute mess and really depressed ever since.
Over the last year or so (little less) I started to slowly neglact our relationship, partly because I started to take it for granted, and it started to feel normal, and partly because there were some personal issues that were botherting me. I realize this so much now. She said she still loves me and cares about me, but that she felt like the “being in love” part was missing, and we were just staying together out of habit. She also said me neglecting her has nothing to do with her decission or feeling , but I can’t imagine that it doesn’t. I mean, it makes sense you start to lose some feelings if you start to get back less and less right…? Now that we broke up I can’t understand why I have taken such an amazing relationship and person ever for granted, while I should have been the luckiest guy in the world to even be with her.
We have been on no contact on and off, and I have made severe mistakes inbetween, saying my life has no meaning without her, convincing her how depressed I am because of this, how I can’t find happiness or joy in anything I do, how I cant even focus on my business anymore. On top of that we just entered another lockdown due to wich I can even work less then I could before. I have felt extremely lonely and totally not understood in my feelings, even when with friends. Because the no contact I started to doubt myself so much, like the person I had loved and cared for the most over 3 years suddenly tought the lowest of me as possile and was happy to get her out of my life. It was the most terrible painfull feeling. Started to overthing every little thing.
In between the longest time we had no contact was 3 weeks. I had even send her an self reflecting letter. After all this periods of no contact I started to message her again when I was feeling extremely down, even tho we already agreed not to talk for a while and meet up in a couple of weeks, I still couldnt help myself. So offcourse this worried but also annoyed her. After al this times we ended having just a bit of a good conversation, wich always felt so good. And then the whole thing started over again.
Anyway, since just before newyears untill 2 days ago we had no contact. We have met up yesterday to talk. She came to my place, we were expected just to have a short talk but she ended up staying for 8 hours and stayed for dinner. We had such a good time, made jokes, lauged, had serious talks, cried, and cuddled alot. It really felt so so good, and made me realize even more what I had with her, how special it was and how much I really love her.
I’m so worried now that I gave myself even more false hope, and really can’t let go of it. That she still feels the same, she did say it was never because we didnt had a good connection or something. Hoewever, she took most of her stuff, but left a small box to collect the “next time” because she was traveling by train and could not take it all now. She could have, if she wanted to.
I really dont know what to do now, how to act, and how to read into all of this…
Would love an outsiders / experts point of view on this, what would be amazing!
I must add to this that even tho I did not handle everything too well, I did do alot to improve myself. Quit smoking all together, stopped drinking for now too, just because I dont want to surpress my emotions, started to eat very healthy again, and slowly start to exercise more.
So I’m not an absolute mess, but still feel like my life is so empty without her
Hi Hope.
Most people take their relationship for granted to some degree. Maybe not to the point you did, but they still do. You need to become more self-aware and practice gratitude next time.
Anyway, your ex fell out of love and will stay out of love if you keep telling her you have no purpose in life. She’ll think you can’t handle the difficulties life throws at you. So no more begging and feeling sorry for yourself. Doing so only guilt-trips her. Instead, you should probably go back to no contact. Even though you had a decent conversation with her, you’ve got to regain your worth and power while she finds a reason to connect with you.
That could take time, so be prepared to give it as long as it takes.
Best regards,
Zan
My boyfriend dumped me a month ago. We were in an on and off relationship because of my insecurities for 3 years (but he never broke up with me, we were just going silent).
Im going to meet him today. I wrote him an accountability letter and invited him out. He agreed. I understood a lot since the day he dumped me and I was working on myself but I dont want to appear needy and I just want to meet him to have fun so that he sees that I am Actually a person he fell in love with.
I just found this Article today though and Im starting getting anxious whether that was a good move… I truly hope that I can just gain a bit of his trust and maybe he will start rethinking his decision
Hi Anna.
How did the meetup go?
I don’t think meeting up with him on your terms was a good idea because if your ex wanted to see you, he would have told you so himself. The same goes for getting back with you. It has to be his idea because he needs to discern your worth and redevelop the determination to be with you. He can’t do that if you make it easy for him.
Best regards,
Zan
So you‘re saying as a dumpee I shouldn‘t reach out even after 8 Months?
I’ve been dumped for like 5 weeks and i did the basic mistake of begging but she said that she will see me in like 2-3 weeks because she want me to be at peace with myself and kinda give me a second chance but she still think that it wont work.
Hi. My ex broke up with me like 2 weeks ago when her brother died. She was grieving and she told me that she feel anything but grievances. I gave her space and told her i respected her wishes. Then she sent me a greeting just this last new yr then she was feeling okay and make laugh with all the jokes i made. So invited her to meet up. She was kind of push and pull when we were together, then the next day we were together she acted like my girlfriend. She went through my phone and saw some messages and she thinks that I cheated on her. Those were only some crazy messages with my friend. She was acting distant again and mad at me. She said that there’s no need to wait for her to get us back together. I send her a message of my explanation about that messages and told her to read it again once she cools down so she can think again. She didn’t reply to it. What should i do next? I told her I’ll just wait if she will message me. I’m planning to go back in NC
I met up with my ex this past weekend and I’m just here to confirm that every word in this article is true. I read it before meeting him three months into NC and thought I would be the exception but no. Now I am in the friendzone, my value has been lowered and any chances of giving our relationship another shot are dead. Everyone, PLEASE heed Zan’s advice and stay in No Contact forever. All of my progress was erased and I feel like I’m back at square one. I’m so miserable and I wish I had had enough patience to let my ex come to me months or years from now.
Dont be scared of the friendzone. Honestly if he loved you, itll be really hard for the two of you to just be friends, so just take your time. Use this opportunity to rebuild trust. And be consistent, show him how you have changed. I am no expert tho; and i dont know what your realationship is like; however, being in the friendzone can be an opportunity,but you need to stay focused on yourself.
Hi,
was reading your article and founded really helpful and was wondering if you would have some advice in my situation. my ex broke up with me over six months ago, it was a very painful breakup. Things were not going great but I was still blindsided by his decision, I probably had a weeks worth of duration of doing the typical post breakup mistakes trying to call him asking him to reconsider sending an email/letter, but eventually I went into no contact for over two months, set up projects for myself to focus on and it was hard in the beginning but I finally found my rhythm three months down the line. two months in he did message me and reached out for the first time and expressed how he missed me how difficult it was it was a confusing message and Needless to say infuriated me, I didn’t take much notice of it at the time and agreed perhaps a meet up in the distant future could be explored. a couple of months ago I had to contact him admittedly because I was looking for reconnecting so it was a couple of texts, very platonic good to hear you’re doing well sort of situation but when he suggested maybe we could meet up in a couple of months I initially said no. Fast forward more recently as I’m moving out of my current place and have a number office things, mostly furniture, at mine. I texted him to see if he would be up for re collecting any of it or if he wanted me to get rid of it. I also figured it would be so awkward seeing him months later in this circumstance, so I asked him what his thoughts would be on meeting up while acknowledging that I previously didn’t feel ready for it. He has indicated that perhaps it would be good to ‘break the ice’. I can’t quite place the reason as to why I feel keen to see him and I’m definitely having a mental wrestle as to figuring out, if it would be good for me vs it being a bad idea. but then what would the alternative be? I tell him no I’m still not ready and make arrangements for him to pick up his stuff while I’m not here? I have wondered if that would come across as bitter or as if I am holding a grade. Equally, while at first, I was keen for reconciliation and completely heartbroken over the breakup, I have reached a point now where I am possibly more indifferent about it, but I can’t say if I’m completely over him. Iy comes in waves. After several months of self work, seeing a therapist, reflecting on our relationship and having developed a sense of curiosity, I have found my own closure, but I wonder if meeting up with him could help me find the final piece to the puzzle and if perhaps seeing him after so many months of what was a two year significant part of my life together with him, and perhaps coming face to face with how much we might have grown apart since the breakup, might help me fully come to terms with it? Or maybe rewrite our ending…. to a less painful, less dramatic but still sad separation. I still do have feelings for my ex and I am worried if this is just an unconscious impulse seeking validation, or hoping for an alternative outcome. All the while my rational brain tells me, if he wanted an alternative outcome wouldn’t he have done more? He suggested being friends and has been first to reach out or suggest meet ups- but it could all be his way of working on his own guilt for the entire thing and nothing more. Equally, I know as I have, he must have been dating as well and there is very much a possibility that he has met someone he’s interested in or has developed a connection with since, I am also very much aware of the disconnect between us now, and how painful becoming of that reality and awareness of it will feel for me.
Anyway, with all of these reflections in mind was looking to see what your opinion would be of the situation? Would you suggest me to go ahead with the meet up? and how do I handle the situation if there are future plans discussed or mentioned? The fear of hearing him talk about his future plans which wouldn’t include me anymore does trouble me. Although, I’m sure I’m catastrophizing the idea of how crippling it might feel. I can’t decide if I am keen to meet him and if it is a good idea to or if too much time has gone by and perhaps it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve also wondered if with my renewed sense of understanding and change in perspective, I want to revisit our dynamic one last time, to see if there is something still there or if it’s lost for good…HELP!
So my ex and I broke up almost a month ago. I was shocked. I honestly didn’t see it coming. We had a great 8 month long relationship. We never had fights or argued. Anyways we talked in person about a week later we both got closure and he said he thinks if we continue being together it’s just putting of the inevitable. He didn’t see a future with me. So I told him that’s fine because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. He said he still cared about me a lot and he had missed me like crazy. Anyways i said goodbye and left. He was pretty upset over the breakup too I could see it. Anyways we went no contact for 2 weeks. He ran into me once when I was at a friend’s place he drove by but I just went on like I didn’t see him. Still no contact. Anyways I reached out now after a month since breakup. I sent him a msg on Facebook it was just a funny meme. I told him “this reminded me of you 🤣” he sent back a smiley face. Then he said he has meant to ask me if I wanted the rest of the episodes of the tv show we were watching when we were together. Then he also said “it’ll probably take about half an hour so you’ll need to deal with me for that long. I understand if you don’t wanna see me right now” I replied with saying that I haven’t been watching much tv lately anyways then I added yea maybe sometime you could” then he said “this weekend?” and I told him yes I’ll let you know. Then he replied back “ok” with another smiley face. I don’t know what to think. I know he probably misses me. Maybe he is starting to regret things? I’m just going to keep my cool though when we do meet up. I’ll just be my cool positive confident self. That’s probably what’s best…. I do want him back.
Hi Zan,
Greetings from France !
I’m right in the middle of a break-up, dumpee-side, on a relation that lasted 9 years.
I was completely devastated at first, and thing is, most of my family and closest friends live abroad so I didn’t have much people to turn to.
Eventually I grabbed a flight to visit one my best friends and stayed at his place for a couple weeks, it’s helped me in the best ways possible.
Something else that truly helped me were your words.
You’re doing a wonderful job, and your website has been my place of solace during the nights when it’s been the hardest.
For that, you have my sincere thanks.
This relationship was my first one, I’ve never had any other one so this first break-up was all the more painful. Reading (almost all!) your articles helped me see that it was not the end, and that I could recover from it.
I’m feeling a lot stronger now, and for that I sincerely thank you.
Wherever you are, you have all my gratitude.
You’ve helped me grow emotionnally, and I’ll bring this with me for the rest of my life.
Cheers,
Sylvain.
What do you do if months have passed, you were in a long distance relationship before the break up and now you are on vacation in her city,which was planned and paid for before the break up and she knows you’re in town for about 2 weeks? I/we just can’t pick up and meet whenever the feeling strikes.
ps I am the dumpee and only reached out to her twice in 3 months, the day after we broke up,begged and pleaded and 58 days after, same thing but a little less, she reached back out to me a week after to tell me she wouldn’t be in town and wanted to drop some money off that she owed me at the hotel where I’m staying,I have not reached back out to tell her where I am staying and the money means nothing to me.Confused but healing.
Hi Cuba.
You don’t do anything.
You simply keep moving on and learning how to love yourself again.
If you want, you can safely tell her that she can keep the money.
Best regards,
Zan
I was been thinking and thinking about this so this article is so helpful when you are so ‘ready’to meet with ex partner so best article that I have ever read! Thank you for great advice and tips – I can’t express how much it helped!!
Hi Linda.
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m glad the article has helped you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I met up with my ex 3 and a half months after the break up. It was her idea and it was a nice dinner in a new restaurant and we had a nice time that went for 2 hours and a half. We talked about everything, we laughed but I still got the impression that this was like a closure dinner/meeting or something. She as a very busy life, workaholic life so to speak, so I believe she doesn’t have time for dating and likes to be alone for the time being. We left on good terms, creating no expectations and not giving false hope, yet it’s been 3 days now and I don’t what to do. I wanna take things slow this time, but I don’t want sound needy.
I’d say that’s pretty good.
It was her idea – takes a lot for a woman to reach out. Especially if she feels she has broken your heart.
You made her laugh. This means she’s past anger about you (even if you never deserved anger).
She’s a workaholic but she still found time to plan, invite you to and enjoy the dinner with you. Which shows in some way you have attained a higher importance than immediately after the break up.
Busy women are often confused about what they want after a while. They work hard and get far but it’s rare they want casual sex and relationships with random men. Women in my experience often become more focused on work after breaking up to distract themselves from their emotions.
I hear you on the next steps point though. From an outside perspective: I would steadily message her. Don’t be emotional. Make her laugh. Maybe send her things you’ve seen related to her career. Don’t message every day, try every 2-3 days. After a steady stream, you need to invite her to do something but less grandiose than your dinner with her.
Try and make it worth her while in some other way: like driving her to a shopping sale event. Don’t ask too many questions. Let her ask you questions. Keep your cool.
Hi James,
Yeah, I do think it’s pretty good and I know that I’m in a privilege situation in which a lot of guys would like to be with their exes. It’s my second shot at it (the first one was only a month after the break up and it didn’t go so well, and I understood that we needed more time apart to process things) and things are much better now.
“Women in my experience often become more focused on work after breaking up to distract themselves from their emotions.”
It’s very true with her, she’s workaholic and very focused on her job, and the only thing that matters to her right now. I’ve called her last night (we’re more a ‘call each other people’) and we had a good chat, made her laugh twice. I’ll try to keep my cool and try to keep the momentum going until the next step.
Thanks for the comment and the encouraging words.
Hi shesgone.
Your ex has to continue investing in you, so allow her to do so.
Best,
Zan
8 months is way too long. If you’re a guy and you’ve been dumped, there are so many women who are just too afraid to contact you first, even if they regret it. If you leave them be, they’ll just assume you don’t care anymore, because you didn’t reach out. Many women are very fragile and self-protecting.
Hi James.
Women are self-protecting. But they aren’t naive and waiting for the guys to contact them. They feel repelled by them and will push their dumpees away if they try to get too close.
Kind regards,
Zan
I met up with my ex a month and a half after the break up. It was just a short meet up. It was the time that I haven’t encountered this blog yet. It was my first break up so admittedly, I committed some post break up mistakes. I actually wanted to meet him for closure. At that time, I thought it was already a closure. But it actually took me a while to get over him.
Hi Jes.
I hope that meeting up with your ex didn’t delay your recovery and raise your expectations.
Best,
Zan