Many dumpees (and sometimes) even dumpers think to themselves, “Why do I miss my ex so much? I should be moving on, not missing my ex or worrying about what my ex is doing.”
If you miss your ex like crazy, know that it’s completely natural for you to feel that way. It means that you’re a healthy human being who’s capable of reminiscing about the times when you loved and felt loved.
It’s perfectly normal.
In fact, it would be nearly impossible not to miss your ex if your relationship was long-term and you shared a lot of moments with your ex that you genuinely enjoyed.
That’s why today, depending on your mood, you now desire happy emotions from the past and deeply wish you could relive them with the same person once more.
The only problem is that you can’t relive them. Your ex is no longer a part of your romantic life and is probably gone forever.
And because you’re aware of that, you fear that you’ll never again feel familiar feelings of joy and comfort.
You’re happy about the good memories you had with your ex, yet scared that you’ll never experience them in the future.
It’s a very scary uncertain feeling.
So if you can’t stop yourself from missing your ex, the first thing you must understand is that your nostalgic emotions are extremely inflated.
They are way bigger than they were back then when you encountered them as you didn’t feel that strongly, nor sad about them. You just enjoyed and appreciated the moment and didn’t worry about never experiencing it again.
You were a carefree person.
This means that there’s a reason why you sometimes feel emotional about your ex. That reason is that you’re looking back at your relationship through rose-tinted glasses.
Thanks to your nostalgic perception, everything about your ex looks shiny and sparkly. The bittersweet sensations in your stomach are making you see it that way.
And that’s because they bug you for so long that they eventually get through your emotional defenses and make you neglect the reasons why your relationship broke apart in the first place.
If you’re a dumper, you could feel nostalgic because your new partner doesn’t live up to your expectations. Or perhaps you’re just not very happy with your current lifestyle—and you’re now comparing before to after.
And if you’re the dumpee, you likely miss your ex because you’re hurting over the breakup and you miss having your ex by your side.
You miss the smiles, hugs, kisses, laughs, inside jokes, and things that made your relationship worthwhile.
In this post, we’ll talk about why you miss your ex so much. We’ll also discuss why you miss a person that wasn’t good for you. This includes narcissists and physically/emotionally-abusive people.
Why do I miss my ex so much?
The most plausible reason why you miss your ex is unhappiness.
It’s the reason why people cheat, monkey-branch—and it’s also the reason why they miss their ex.
It’s the catalyst for everything negative in a relationship and after one, as it greatly affects one’s mood and triggers the desire for understanding, love, care, and support.
This implies that you miss your ex because nostalgia stems from regret, unhappiness, depression, discomfort, grief, distress, and pain.
So whenever you find yourself missing your ex, start by analyzing your internal happiness.
By doing so, you will almost instantly understand whether your emotional health is how it should be and if you miss your ex because you’re unhappy with your current life situation.
If you are unhappy, know that your brain is trying to help you get rid of your unhappiness by reminding you of the good times you shared with your ex.
It’s advising you to go with the quickest solution; which is to contact your ex and relive the moments of joy from the past.
But if you think about this for a moment, you’ll likely realize that your brain isn’t being very reasonable.
In fact, it’s being quite a di*k as it’s not offering you any practical solutions that will benefit you in the long-run.
It’s instead acting completely on instinct, doing its best to convince you why you should consider taking shortcuts.
Shortcuts that usually aren’t the best for you as they tend to backfire and cause more pain and sadness.
Why do I miss my ex-wife/ex-husband so much?
Other than general unhappiness, there are also a few other things that could make you miss your ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
They’re called patterns and routines – things that you did with your ex regularly but no longer do now that you’re broken up.
A few routines and patterns you could miss doing with your ex are:
- cooking together
- washing cars
- shopping
- doing chores
- waking up next to your ex
- watching movies
- going on vacation
- playing videogames
- etc
When you were with your ex, you anchored happy emotions to certain routines, habits, and patterns.
That’s why today, whenever you do something you used to do with your ex, you inadvertently activate your nostalgia region in your brain and miss your ex like crazy.
You remember that your ex made your life more convenient in many ways and that he or she was there for you. Maybe even more than your current boyfriend/girlfriend, or single life.
So if you miss your ex-wife or ex-husband, remember that you shared a lot of routines and habits with your ex.
You were each other’s best halves for a very long time. So technically, it’s completely normal that you miss your ex very much even now that you’re no longer married/together.
Old habits don’t disappear overnight. They take many months or even years to get rid of.
Why do I miss my toxic ex?
You miss your toxic, emotionally abusive, cheating, or narcissistic ex for a few possible reasons:
- Your ex left you and hurt your self-esteem and ego.
- Your life isn’t going the way you want it to go, so you’re overvaluing the past and imagining an illusion.
- You’re envious, jealous, or regretful.
- You don’t love yourself enough and wish that your ex could love you to make you feel better.
- For some reason, you still hope that your ex will change and be the person he or she should have been all along.
Whatever the reason for missing your ex is, you don’t miss your toxic ex for the right reasons.
You probably miss his or her good points and not the points that made your relationship dysfunctional.
If you’re having trouble understanding why you miss your toxic ex, answer the following questions with a yes or no:
- Do you miss your ex’s personality more than his or her presence?
- Do you miss the way your ex made you feel on a regular basis?
- If you met your ex today for the first time, would you want to go through the same kind of experiences?
If the majority of your answers were “no,” you probably don’t miss your emotionally abusive ex but rather the idea of having someone with your ex’s good points by your side.
You miss who your ex could and should have been rather than who your ex was and how he or she treated you.
Why do I miss my ex when I’m drunk?
A lot of people miss their ex when they’re drunk. They drunk dial their ex, apologize for calling, say they love their ex, and do many stupid things they usually regret the next day.
The reason why they do this is that alcohol works peculiarly on people.
Some people argue, trash-talk, look for conflicts, and others laugh, flirt, do big favors for others, and even cry.
It’s impossible to categorize everyone, but the point is that people tend to behave in certain ways when they’re drunk.
For you, alcohol changes your mood so much that it makes you appreciate your ex. It increases your sentimentality and helps you remember that your ex was a good person.
But unless this sentimentality remains even after you’ve sobered up, I probably wouldn’t look into it too much.
It’s just a change of mood that occurs when alcohol affects your neurotransmitters.
Why do I miss my ex all of a sudden?
People don’t start missing their ex overnight. Not unless they dream about their ex and the dream impacts them in a negative way.
But for those people who don’t get affected by a dream and they miss their ex all of a sudden, there are two possible explanations I can think of:
- They’d been thinking about their ex recently and/or wanted to talk to their ex. As a result, their ex’s value gradually increased one day at a time.
- Something affected their (temporary) mood and affected the way they perceive their ex. Something like seeing their friends or family members getting married and moving on with their lives (envy).
Whatever you do, don’t think that you miss your ex all of a sudden because of some force beyond scientific explanation.
Supernatural occurrences have nothing to do with missing an ex-partner. They’re the kind of nonsense dumpees tell themselves to ease their anxiety.
So try to be rational and look for a meaning behind your sentimentality. If you do some soul-searching and look within, you will likely find the reason why you miss your ex.
Why do I miss my ex after a year?
Most breakups take 8 months or so to get over them. It really depends on whether it’s the first breakup and of course, on how a person takes it.
If he or she takes it badly and suffers from extreme separation anxiety, chances are that this person won’t process the breakup for a long time.
He or she will probably miss an ex for over a year—anywhere up to two years.
But if a person is a dumper and he or she wonders, “Why do I miss my ex after a year,” then the circumstances are slightly different.
This person has probably let go of smothering, breakup emotions and now no longer perceives his or her ex in a negative, relationship-unworthy light.
All this person sees is an ex who stood loyal by his or her side until the very end.
He or she now misses an ex for the person the dumpee was.
Why can’t I stop missing my ex?
The reason why most people can’t stop missing their exes is that they don’t really want to stop missing them.
They prefer to self-indulge in pity, sorrow, pain, and nostalgia—and find a million excuses why they can’t stop missing their ex, instead of a single one why they can.
Such people never learned to live their lives for themselves and tend to live in discomfort. They are so used to anxiety or depression created by nostalgia that they think they must obsess about their ex for their own good.
To them, their ex is the energy source that negatively charges them. And without this negative charge, they feel that their life is directionless or meaningless.
If it’s been a year or years since your ex broke up with you and you still miss your ex every day, you should do what a famous philosopher William James suggests.
“Alter your life by altering your attitude of mind.”
This means that you can stop missing your ex by distracting yourself and changing your thoughts. And when you change your thoughts, your emotions and attitude will soon follow.
It’s that simple, yet so many people that find themselves in a downward spiral absolutely hate gathering up the willpower to make that one final push to detach from their ex.
They’re so afraid of what could go wrong if they let go of familiarity that they stop looking forward to new opportunities on the horizon.
Do you miss your ex so much it hurts? How long has it been since you or your ex left? Leave a comment below this post.
Hey!
I hd a 7 years relationship, we broke up in October of 2018 (he was the one to break up), he wanted to try again after about 40 days and I said no since I didn’t feel like he was really changed.
We started going out again as a “test” and it took 6 months to really finish for good, after that he just cut me off like we never ever knew each other, I took it hard. He used to be my best friend, and he had anxiety and for about 4 years I was the one taking care of everything when he was feeling bad, college documents, family presents, some days I even had to go to his house to wake him up and try to make him cheer up. I am overprotective, but also very demanding, I had to adapt and be more flexible, more comprehensive. I let things get to a point where everything was about him I didn’t have space, I wasn’t happy, I started feeling bad about myself and I was really worried, sometimes I wanted to leave, but I loved him, was worried how he would feel if I did since I was the single person who kept trying to be there during the bad times. And I was scared. No healthy, right? I know, believe me. When he broke up was hard, I was lost, but I also understood. After we started “dating” again I didn’t feel like he was honestly trying to get better, I helped him with thesis and a bunch of other stuff, but I wasn’t around all the time like before, I went out with other people and I met a great guy. I was ready to try again since I felt like after all we had lived together it could work, we were partners, the bad days were tough and we made it. He didn’t want to try again.
After that I felt really sad, depressed and kinda obsessed. I was so scared that I was losing my mind or starting some clinical depression, I started therapy and it didn’t help much. I think it was because I wasn’t a good match with the therapist.
I stopped therapy, I got better, then I got worse. I had some horrible days, I was so sad, so disappointed, so hurt. I guess it was because he didn’t talk to me, he was very rude when I talked to him (as friends since we broke up in peace) and he acted like I wasn’t someone important. I should get over it, but I couldn’t.
I was still going out with the great guy I met, but I wasn’t ready to start anything. After awhile I accepted dating him, I was feeling better, I also felt like it was right. I had horrible and good days, my boyfriend is amazing, but I am still feeling bad sometimes and I think about my ex everyday. I am back in therapy with a therapist I really like, my ex and I kinda got better since he had a terrible crisis and had to start new medication and treatment, he seems like the guy I met 8 years ago, we were able to have a few normal conversations like we were friends. I have been feeling sad, missing him, feeling anxious and it is driving me insane, I am scared that I won’t get over it and I am thinking about breaking up with my bf, but not to go back to my ex, just because I feel terrible for not being able to give 100% of me to this relationship.
I know it is not a healthy situation, I am aware that he is not the right person for me, probably he doesn’t even want to try again, but I just have been feeling bad, missing him and I don’t even understand why. I don’t need him, I am doing much better without him, I was sad before and I know that. So what is wrong with me that I still miss him? Ego? Hurt because he left after everything I did? Am I that childish? I don’t know, my therapist still says that I am better than I expect, that I am processing things and it is normal since it was 8,5 years of my life, but I honestly feel lost most of the time. Part of me knows it is because of the isolation, being far from everybody just working and it is not healthy, but part of me knows it is because I haven’t been able to let him go. And I don’t even feel angry or anything, I was the one who let things get out of hand, I could have broken up before, I accepted the situation. And he is not a bad guy, he has a lot of issues and deals with that in the better way he can. Sometimes I just think that is because I lost my best friend from long time ago, the amazing guy, the sweet guy, and he doesn’t even feel bad for hurting me, for what he did. This hurt and I also understand the part of this is because now he is a super smart guy, very handsome and very successful, when I met him he was a broke student who couldn’t pay his food in college and I was the one paying, I studied with him, I helped him to get and keep the job he has now and I was there for him when he needed. So I feel like all of that was a waste of energy and time, like I was worthless, I was used and it makes me feel bad. However, I know it is not right, he helped me too, he was an amazing bf during 3 years and I did everything for him because I wanted to, not because I wanted some kind of reward, but I still feel hurt for being forgotten so easily.
That is me, kinda messed up, kinda a little better. I don’t know how to get out of this mess, I just know that I keep missing him, thinking about him often and I hate it. I don’t even think it is love, whatever it is, I need to be free.
I’m currently having one of those moments missing my ex that is almost overwhelming, the painful heavy anxiety that feels like my chest is going to explode. It’s been three months and 26 days straight no contact since the break up with my fiancé after 3.5 years. The pain and sense of loss feels far worse than the loss of my dad many years ago. I idealize her and put her on a pedestal way too much. I know that. But I also know how good she was, and losing that brings me to tears. I could have been more patient, more understanding, less critical. But as I write that, she could have too. I often felt criticized in the relationship.
The “you always” “you never” during an argument left me absolutely physiologically flooded. In the moment I was incapable of asking for a time out; I would ask her to leave for the evening and go to her place. That was me asking for space, or so i thought in my mind. I know it hurt her, I know it hurt me to do it. I now know I was essentially stonewalling her, and I now know she interpreted it as a form of emotional abuse. She sees herself as a victim even as the Dumper. It wasn’t done with willful intent to hurt her. My defenses just wanted my pain to stop. This didn’t always happen, but it happened enough for her interest and attraction level to decrease enough to lead to her breaking up. This was her wedge issue for the break out. Fixing this was dumped in my lap. Fact is, we had to fix it as a couple. We had to learn to communicate better and to have ground rules during an argument.
Having this all dumped in my direction is a hard pill to swallow, but I take some comfort toward my well being looking at it the light of her not wanting to fix it as a couple. I didn’t even know what I was trying to fix at the time, I just knew I couldn’t control it. Days after the breakup I also learned her other complaints. She didn’t think her feelings were being validated, she didn’t think she could voice these things to me. That’s interesting because I didn’t feel I could talk openly with her either. I felt there was a wall up. Given all this, I would have welcomed the opportunity to work through it all as a means to get to True Love. She left without communicating her concerns and us talking through things, she left without us truly trying to fix anything. She just needed her wedge issue and for that I am guilty; all the other good be damned.
Hi Steve, it’s Polly, we are both in the early stage of a breaking off with someone very close to us. I’m wondering if she would be willing to connect with you, briefly, to help ease your anxiety? Just a small and simple conversation so your mind knows she is alive and well. Trying to mentally and physically put a wall between you and her is too hard. It really is. Love is an addiction and you need a bit of a wean.
After 7 years with my ex narc I caught him cheating in my bed in my house I was shocked I feel useless,sad,depressed, high anxiety. Where can I get some help?
Get yourself to therapist that specializes in sex addiction! From there go to Al-anon. Al-anon will help you immensely. Even if alcohol was or is not part of yours or your ex’s problem. It’s amazing how just changing the word ALCOHOL to DYSFUNCTIONAL will help you to put your life in perspective
I am completely baffled as to why I am missing my former husband. We had been together for 22 years, that is a long time. He has a very angry and mean side to him and it became increasingly difficult for me to handle. I broke it off with him in December of 2018 after a major anger outburst. He wasn’t ready and asked for time to get better. I practiced avoidance so I was not with him much. The time we spent together showed me he was always going to have this side to him. In May he said something so horrific that I knew it was my last candle. He and the dog moved out last week. The nostalgia part really sings to me. And missing all the good stuff. Now I find myself crying and thinking about is he with another woman etc… but really why does that matter! This relationship stuff is soooo hard!
My breakup was hard. I was the Dumper in my mid 40s and wish I could take it back. Both my ex and I were in a divorce and started seeing each other. For 2.5 years our loving relationship existed during separation. We lived in Hawaii and I was about to retire from the military. I was given full custody of my kids and moved to Colorado to start a civilian career. Sadly her divorce results gave her 50/50. She wasnt able to leave Hawaii. We had an awesome relationship. No fighting or arguing. Shared everything together, loved each other very much. Our kids loved each other and still talk daily on the phone. We loved each others kids. We talked about getting married in CO and living together. Knowing she couldnt move I tried long distance for a few months. I was a jerk and ended the beautiful relationship and broke up with her over distance. Her youngest kid had 8 years to turn 18 where Mom could then leave island. Within weeks she found a new man. Nearly a year later she is engaged. Why do I miss her like its yesterday. Ive done the dating and nobody matches her. Why cant I not miss her anymore and be over her like she was over me so fast?. I was married 22 years. Had several GF before ex wife and this feeling is the worst I have ever had with this woman. Good luck to you all still missing exes a year or more after. It sucks.
I think I’ve finally turned a major corner! My breakup really hurt, and though in my mind I knew what was best for me (to stay away and move on), my heart had been fighting me for months. My ex is kind of a public person, so it’s easy for me to look him up and watch videos, read articles and just torture myself. I’ve only recently began to feel disgusted with his behaviour toward me, a woman who loved him, during our relationship. I think about how he mocked me when I caught him doing something behind my back, how he treats wait staff who aren’t female and young or beggars on the street; how he would withhold affection from me, hid me from his family, had no respect for my beliefs, and the way he dumped me. Why would I ever want someone like that back? I also didn’t like how he talked about his mom. I KNOW I dodged a bullet, but I’m only now settling in this reality. My dreams for his potential as an amazing mate really messed with me. Instead, he simply did to me what he did to all his other exes (bless them all).
I’m enjoying this feeling of disgust, it beats missing him terribly and is a good final push to move on (I also have something new in the works so it really is the end of that chapter). It will be nice when the stage comes where I feeling absolutely nothing at all.
Hi Carly.
You’ve finally detached to the point where you see your ex for who he is. It took you a while, but you couldn’t reach this state any quicker because you were incredibly hurt by his inconsiderate actions. You first needed to distance yourself from the relationship and regain your strength.
I really think that him leaving you was the best gift he could have given you.
Hang in there, Carly!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks, I believe you are correct. The distance did me so well!
It was a gift, yes. So thank you, Ex!!
It sounds like I was trashing him, so I should probably add, I don’t think he’s a horrible person and I do wish him well. The thing is, as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t an awesome relationship, my heart seemed to be hooked only on the good things about him and our relationship (and the potential), blinding myself to things that I didn’t appreciate and that maybe I didn’t want in a partner/relationship anyway. I am thankful that I am finally able to accept and process the bad parts of the relationship and I think the disgusted feeling will fade but it’s nice to not want him back at this point.
I understand, Carly.
You’ve taken your rose-colored glasses off and you finally notice your ex’s bad points.
This is good because now you can properly detach from him and create a good life for yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Really an outstanding blog. I’ve been through breakups before, and obviously they’re never fun. Ultimately, one has to get tired of their own sh*t and decide they want happiness and move in that direction. I’m in the process of making that final push of detachment from my ex, but I do realize it is a choice. That song lyric, “The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?” comes to mind. You don’t HAVE to care anymore, but many of us think we have to go through immense suffering rather than take care of ourselves and heal after a breakup. I hope to separate with gratefulness of the love and happy times that were shared, and with knowledge that good times will certainly be found with someone better suited. THanks for your site. It’s fantastic.
Hi Gene.
Getting over your ex will take time, but if you think positively, you will speed up the process. You seem like you’re doing great, so keep it up. Just don’t fall for nostalgia traps.
Best regards,
Zan
The best blog post I’ve ever read about why we miss our exes! Thanks!
Hi,
The last comment i made, about texting an ex, i talked about the anxiety it created on me.
In my moments of greater awareness (like today), I feel that in fact I no longer miss him at all. Only when I tend to get more nostalgic.
I realize that this happens mainly now in quarantine times, when he texts me first and I reply in a more effusive way. And when i do this, he normally doenst reply at all, thats why i feel sad and anxious.
I can already understand that I can’t do this, and every time he sends me something, the best I have to do is to be neutral, or not respond at all. And not stalk him in social media!
It actually helps me to keep my confidence in a higher standard. After this pandemic goes away, I hope I don’t see him again physically, at least until I recover 100%.
Thank you Zan
Well Zan I can say 100% that I can’t wait for your new articles… and I’m amazed every time:)
First yeah I’m still looking my relationship in rose-tinted glasses.
So the only reason why the dumper returns it’s because his/her life it’s not happy? And the only reason why they cheat, monkey-branch it’s because they are unhappy in relationship?
So if a dumper ex misses you after a year he/she seems an ex who stood loyal who started by him/her side and now they misses an ex for the person the dumpee was right? But that doesn’t mean that makes they contact?
I don’t know if it’s still early to not miss an ex?
You are so amazing! And we are blessed that we have you 🙏🏻
Hi Linda.
Thank you for your comment.
Yes, people make selfish decisions when they’re unhappy. They essentially perceive their partner as the main cause of their unhappiness and detach from him or her on purpose.
This occurs when a person has poor values and thinking patterns, as well as no will to work through bad times/emotions.
Thanks again!
Zan
Hi Zan,
His negative emotions and thoughts happened years before breakup.
But seems that he couldn’t return them to positive ones. So all other things happened, detach and so on.
Thank you Zan 🙌🏻