If you’re a dumpee and you’re breaking up because of distance, then I assume you’re still in love with your ex. As you’ve already experienced for yourself, physical distance doesn’t make the breakup any easier.
A breakup is still a rejection and a denial of love and relationship benefits.
When you get broken up with because of distance and there is absolutely nothing or nobody else involved, your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend often has an ulterior motive.
As you’ve likely heard a million times before, breakups happen for a reason. I’m not here to give you a generic response. Instead, I wish to provide you with some clarity.
All I ask in return is a little bit of openness and a chance to explain myself.
Breaking up because of distance
The majority of breakups are premeditated and well thought out. The same applies to couples that break up because of distance.
Those breakups involve at least minimum thinking before they are carried out.
Contrarily to long-distance breakups, a small number of separations are initiated due to a situational stimulus—a breakup in the heat of the moment.
Those breakups are normally fiery and can quickly turn incredibly ugly.
However, if you got broken up with because of distance but you’re still in love with your ex, you probably wonder how you can get your ex back when such a strong obstacle remains in place.
Your ex may be moving away for college and you can literally hear the time ticking as the day of physical separation approaches.
Or perhaps you’re the one who’s traveling overseas for work and you can’t stand leaving your ex-partner behind.
Long-distance breakup dynamics absolutely suck. The thought of powerlessness and lack of control due to distance has likely begun to eat at you.
Not only do you feel void of love from the lack of emotional intimacy, but now you have the physical distance to deal with on top of that.
Long-distance is a blessing in disguise
Before you completely drown in misery, allow me to explain why breaking up because of distance doesn’t make it any harder for you than any other breakup.
Just because your ex is cities, countries or continents away, doesn’t mean that he or she wants to see you after the breakup.
Recovering from the breakup is actually much easier when you break up because of distance. If you’re searching for solutions, then you’ve likely already come across the notorious indefinite no contact rule.
If not, I will quickly explain.
After the breakup, your ex needs space and time away from you. He or she likely won’t message you tomorrow and engage in some “pointless” conversation with you.
For that reason and for the sake of healing your broken heart, you must force yourself to stay away from your ex. “Luckily,” this is what the long-distance breakup provides.
Recovering from heartbreak is the easiest in no contact. So when you’re breaking up because of distance and you’re still in love, no contact will definitely help you out.
Not only will you gain respect from your ex by leaving him or her alone, but you will also heal and move on.
Try not to be afraid of moving on and trusting the process. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get back together with your ex in the future.
It simply means you will once again become happy with yourself and prioritize your own health over your ex’s.
Once that happens, your overall value as a person will skyrocket.
We broke up because of distance
Although the physical distance is a physical excuse, the real reason is of emotional nature. The person breaking up does so because his or her emotional needs aren’t fulfilled.
If the dumpee gets broken up with because of distance, the dumper either wants more from the dumpee or from someone else.
Oftentimes, this occurrence is incited by the grass is greener syndrome. It means the dumper wants a brighter future without the dumpee in it—alone or with someone else.
The real reason behind the breakup
More often than not, the dumper breaks up with his or her partner because of the ceaseless desire for emotional intimacy.
This craving stems from the person’s insecurities and an unhealthy yearning for continuous emotional bonding.
Long-distance relationships can face many difficulties.
The most common ones are:
- lack of trust
- possessiveness
- lack of control
- neediness
- lack of physical intimacy
Although most long-distance difficulties can be worked on, breaking up because of distance alone usually can’t be avoided.
This is due to the lack of physical intimacy and the benefits a physical relationship provides on a consistent basis.
Things, such as living a shared life, sex, intimacy and physical connection matter more to the dumper than staying emotionally connected from the distance.
To the dumper breaking up because of distance, is a matter of convenience.
Although it’s a no-brainer to you that staying with your long-term partner sounds like a better idea, your dumper ex doesn’t feel that way.
Human beings act and react based on what they think and feel.
Most decisions that are made because of emotions or “the gut feeling” usually aren’t the wisest—especially in love and relationships.
Unfortunately, emotions always encourage us to take actions—both good and bad.
And wanting your ex back is one of those bad examples.
What can you do?
If you’re breaking up because of long-distance when you’re still in love with your ex and you want him or her back, there’s nothing you can directly do to get your ex back.
It has to be your ex who makes the next move to:
- get back in contact with you
- express regret
- promise to never make the same mistake again
- work on his or her emotional dependency issues
- get back together with you
- keep working thrice as hard to gain your trust back
As you probably noticed, there’s not one thing on this list for you to say and do to get back together with your ex.
There is no magic formula for reuniting with an ex-partner.
There is hower, a way for you to influence your ex.
And you can do so by:
- posting your improvements on social media
- avoiding breakup topics with your mutual friends
- showing signs of moving on
- making new friends
- going on dates
It’s about your ex’s mentality
If you broke up because of distance and your ex refuses to give you another chance, then you have to wait for his or her perception of you and the relationship to change.
Without going into too much detail, people don’t think about their thoughts and behavior very often.
When they do, something usually forces them to do so.
It could be nostalgia, regret, injustice, fear and anxiety, unpleasant predicaments, and so on.
There is usually an occurrence that shifts their focus inwardly and makes them inspect their thoughts and actions.
In the self-help book The Power of Now, the author refers to this self-aware moment as the state of consciousness.
He says that as long as a person is subconsciously living his or her life, awareness cannot occur on its own.
Awakening requires some sort of external stimulus which then becomes internal.
Furthermore, self-reflection is most likely to occur once a person is given a strong reason for it.
For the dumpee, rejection usually awakens him or her.
As for the dumper, something of a similar intensity is required. Rejection, abandonment or some sort of physical, emotional and mental discomfort usually does the trick.
From a breakup to a long-distance relationship
For the dumper to want to get into a long-distance relationship, his or her mental state has to weaken tremendously.
This can only happen if the dumper’s reality doesn’t manifest the way he or she expects it to.
When the envisioned dreams collapse, the dumper will often resort to backup plans that worked for him or her in the past.
The easiest way to restore his or her emotional validation seems to be by applying a quick fix and jump into a long-distance relationship with his or her ex.
Any dumper that shamelessly goes back to his or her ex does so because of his or her lack of security.
In other words, the dumper uses the dumpee for his or her own gratification and reaps the benefits of the relationship.
These benefits include the previously-mentioned basic emotional needs; safety, support, trust, validation, etc.
If you broke up because of distance but you love your ex, and he or she wants to come back, please become aware of your ex’s intentions.
Since people are selfish by nature, most things we say and do come from our inner ego.
This means that our intentions are often not as sincere as they appear to be. What we say and what we do are frequently two completely different meanings.
The former tells the person we’re merely talking about what we want him to hear— and the latter shows what we truly feel about him.
Actions speak louder than words
There’s no better way to judge a person than through his actions.
If your ex comes crying back to you begging for forgiveness, you can be certain something went south on his or her end.
You won’t know what went wrong, but you can definitely be sure that he or she is not very happy about his or her current mental state.
In such a situation, the biggest difficulty for you will be to figure out if your ex has learned his or her lesson or if your ex has merely come back to feed the inner ego.
The only way for you to know what his or her intentions are is to make the reconciliation difficult for your ex.
Don’t be afraid to slightly hold back on love and attention—especially if your ex is giving you the puppy eyes.
If you let him or her back in as if nothing happened, your ex will leave quicker than you can say “whoops.”
Instead, show value and self-respect and appear as “badass” as you possibly can.
Trust me, if you mean anything to this person, your ex will do his or her very best to be with the best person in the world—regardless of distance.
Mutual break up because of long-distance
Last but not least in this article is a mutual long-distance breakup. You might be thinking, “We broke up because of distance. If this didn’t happen, we’d still be together.”
While it’s true you might still be together a week or a month after your breakup, the relationship would eventually suffer the same fate.
Why would it not when the exact same circumstances, such as relationship issues or lack of attraction, for example, are still present?
If you had an amicable, mutual breakup, you separated in a civilized manner.
Neither of you expressed the desire to persevere through the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.
And since you knew what going into an LDR is like, you agreed to part ways before it got too serious.
I suppose we can say that love wasn’t strong enough to keep you together.
Needless to say, we live in a modern age where technology rules our lives and not vice-versa.
This means that instant messaging and real-time communication is at your disposal, but you as a couple instead chose not to make use of it.
Since neither you nor your ex were prepared to stay together, breaking up because of distance was probably the right thing to do.
Did you break up because of the distance? Do you want to move on but you’re still in love with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I met her through mutual friends. She had gone to the school I am currently going to before moving away to Boston, and was well liked by her peers. One day when I was texting a friend a mine who was staying with her, she stole my friends phone and started texting me. We hit it off right away and continued to text until another friend of mine suggested we all zoom to watch a show. After getting to know each other better, we zoomed often, sometimes for longer than 6 hours. We began to text every day, asking how the other was doing and I developed a crush on her. A few weeks later she told me that she had a crush on me, but if I didn’t want to talk about it that was alright and if not could we still be friends. I let her know that the feeling was mutual, and we started to go on zoom “dates”. We would text almost three different times a day, and it was obvious that there was deep feelings of affection on both ends. It was her mostly taking it to the next level, asking what I wanted to call us, and if I was okay if she told people about us. Recently though, it had begun to feel a little dry, we were stuck in the same place, confined to our separate zoom windows, we couldn’t really move forward, and we had talked about everything there was to talk about, even if it was just what we did that day. I had known from the start that the relationship wasn’t going to last, but denied it, because she was coming back soon, if only for a couple of days. Unfortunately the trip got pushed back because of the delta variant, causing grief on both ends. She told me that she really really liked me but it was just too hard, and that she she knew things would be different if we lived in the same place. These were things I had been thinking too, I just hadn’t wanted to say them, because I didn’t want it to end, however difficult it was. She said that we were kinda young (14) but that’s fucking absurd because she (and I) had both been in relationship before then, and from what I heard she was fine with that. Which is weird. But what’s really weird is that she would say that, because I know that her feelings were genuine because she was a really sweet person. Heck, she even made me a beautiful necklace and a ring and sent it over to me. What’s also weird though is that she chose to talk about it over text. Is that a question of maturity? Was she too scared to just tell me? I don’t regret the relationship, it was fun while it lasted, I just feel as if I had a special connection with her, and that if we had had the opportunity of meeting in person, being in person, things would’ve been different. We could’ve have gone a lot farther. It’s not like either of us could do anything about it though. Can’t drive, too broke for flights, plus COVID really put a damper on the whole thing. I never even got to kiss her. If only we had lived in the same place.
so my story is that i met this kind hearted guy on an online game and he was everything to me , with no effort he made me sooo happy,considering my college has been making me feel like its the end of the world so it was a way for me to release my stress , timeout from boring school assignments and all yknow…
After playing with him for a few months ..i got to know that he also has a crush on me which was rly surprising cuz idk i just wasnt expecting that and then we show pictures of how we looked like and all and he then asked me if i wanted to be his gf. i immediately said yes without thinking twice …which i shoukd have :/
but anyway we talked alot and this was ofc LDR which sucks but i was happy that we even meet uo with each other cuz i never expect this at all and the fact that we have soo many things and interests in common just blows my mind. i rly feel like he is my soulmate. Eventho our religion isnt the same and some beliefs but i still accepted him cuz hes the best guy i feel like i will have. but then as more months when along ….things started to get kore difficult since its also covid and shit ….we cant meet up each other and i have like 2 more yrs of college too so it’s not that ez for me to just buy a ticket and meet him.
So he said that we should just stay friends since we dont know when exactly we can meet up each other i mean i understand where hes coming from. But after alot of thought i jist feel like if you rly love this special person….wouldnt you try to make it work rather than just giving up str8 away assuming it won’t work? whats the fucking rush anyway… we’re both in our early 20s and hes not tha kind of guy that do 1 night stands and meaningless shit like that so …what ….
why would you say all those fucking sweet talk and now u backing the fuck out …like man make up ur fucking mind ….Do you like me or not …why do you make me feel like im so special when at the end ure basically dumping me? am i suppose to make it like nothing happen and just continue playin online games with him?
feel like my feeling getting played out and feel like some other random girl can replace me so he can fulfill his needs mayb
at first im sad but now im just getting so damn mad ……still somehow after a day or two when i see him online in discord i just get soft …..but i wont talk to him like i used to anymore cuz its not okay ;((
Somehow i still feel like hes still a kind hearted guy but idk why he gave up too quickly ….i am trying to move on . i haven’t talked to him in a few days ,i dont want to look like a clingy bitch too lol if only i can go on a vacation mayb i can easily forget abt him? idk :// covid sucks haha lol mmeh
Hi Mia.
Your ex’s relationship mentality wasn’t good enough to sustain a long-distance relationship. As you probably know, LDRs take a lot of commitment. They require communication and investment just like normal relationships. But because your ex wasn’t willing to invest in you and took you for granted, he quickly detached from you and suggested being friends. In other words, he didn’t want to miss out on opportunities to date other people.
And no, you’re not supposed to keep playing online games with him. You’re supposed to stop all that and go separate ways. It’s time to heal and get over him—whether you want him back or not. I know you’re mad, and you have every right to be, Mia. But don’t take it out on him. He’s not worth it. Surround yourself with friends and hobbies instead, and it’ll get easier. You’ll see!
Kind regards,
Zan
I am going through exact the same thing as Mia except for the fact that he is going to college next year and he thought that with the travel restriction and stuff we are going to waste our time on each other. He kept saying that he just don’t see how the relationship could work even though I tried giving him solutions to overcome the obstacles but he still said no. He just don’t want to continue something that isn’t going to work in the end. What a dumb assumption tbh.
We still like each other and yes it hurts to see him online on discord everyday since he would always ask me to do something with him everyday before for hours. it can go up to like 10 hours a day. It’s not healthy I know but it made me happy and he took it away from me. He stripped off the habit just like that. We never fought or like if there’s something happening we would resolve it quickly. He said he still don’t know if he made the right choice and he still want me to be part of his life but just as friends for now. Why would you decided on something if you are that indecisive? Every questions that I asked him would end up with him saying ” I don’t know I’m really sorry”
I was mad that he had time to think about it but all I had was nothing. Not even a minute to think about it since he already decided on it. Why can’t he be patient when I can. I am staying away from discord as much as I can but I can’t just leave my friends like that just because of a man. I don’t know why I let someone have a power over me to drift me away from something that I like doing. Mind that we have mutual friends. That is how we met. I still miss him everyday.
Hi A.
The guy didn’t want to stay committed to you because he valued the physical aspect of the relationship more than the emotional one. He couldn’t commit to you because he lacked the willpower to wait and deal with the distance. It’s best that the relationship ended so that he wouldn’t string you along and lie to you.
In other words, he didn’t think it was worth staying with someone when he was certain the relationship was going to fail. This is why he detached very quickly and felt guilty about it. He can’t be patient because he’s run out of it and stopped believing in the relationship.
My advice is to leave this guy alone. Talk to your friends online as long as he’s not with them. And if he’s with them (in the same group), then don’t join those group chats until you’ve healed and become ready to hear his voice again.
Best regards,
Zan
I knew this girl since high school. When the school was ending she indirectly asked me out once. I was not in a good place back then because I got into a bad college and was trying to figure my life out. After school we went to different colleges. She kept in touch throughout college. We used to catch up every six months or so. She got in a relationship with another guy while she was in college. I always liked her but always respected boundaries. When the college was ending, she told me she was planning to break up with the guy she’s dating. I asked her reasons and after realising those were genuine, I told her how I feel. She was still in relationship with that guy when I told her my feelings. I feel bad about this but then again, she told me she was breaking up so I confessed. She was moving to another country for job and she told me that long distance won’t work. I understood and tried to remain a friend. This is when covid lockdown happened and we stayed in touch for the entire time. She eventually broke up with the guy and we got more close. At some point we started discussing our imaginary relationship. While all of this was happening, few friends from her college visited her for her farewell. She told me that she kissed one of the guys. I was fine with this since we anyway had no shot and there are no boundaries as such. This kept on going for few months and the feeling grew stronger. I told her that I loved her and at some point she told me that she loved me as well. She then relocated to new country and I stayed in touch to make sure she is not lonely and also because I was really in love with her. I thought maybe she’ll come around someday and will give this thing a shot. Few days into new country, she told that she kissed another guy. This time it was different. I don’t know why it hurt this time. We were clearly not committed. At the moment I reacted very calmly and said it’s alright and tried to make sure that she is okay. After a while I realized this is not going anywhere so I started to move on. Tried to reduce the communication. Then one day she comes and says she is ready to be in a relationship with me. I immediately said yes. At the same time I was also planning to move to her country by interviewing for a job. We started dating it was the happiest time of my life. Although it was long distance but I still enjoyed her company a lot. After a while I got rejected from the interview and my plan to move to her country did not work. I told her this and after evaluating the entire thing she decided to break up. Her reason was also good. She said since we have not hung out much, there are many things we don’t know about each other. Being in a relationship for few years before we get a chance to do that isn’t something she wanted to do at that time. I took it very well. I still miss her though. I really thought she was my soulmate. On the night of the break up I called her again to see if she is really sure because I am willing to work it out and can move to her country in 2 years or so. She said no. My friends suggests me to ask her again if I miss her so much but I am not able to do that. I don’t think anyone should be forced to be in a relationship. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. This entire incident was a rollercoaster ride for me. We’re still friends and connect once a month or so. I am preparing myself everyday to deal with her dating someone else. I will always love her but won’t affect my self respect for that. Universe is cruel and you’re just an insignificant spec in it.
Here’s my story, and if anyone can help me with how i should feel i will be forever grateful.
My ex and I have been together since September of 2018.
And before that in 3 years I have heard about him and had a crush on him since. When we started talking it took us 5 months to meet in person as we both lived in different countries, and then he had to move to a different continent. We agreed that he’d come back in about 6 7 months coz he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. when that time came, visa issues where a big deal and had to postpone our plans and then the pandemic hit. I havent seen him since almost 2 years, but I stayed with him because i loved him so much even though it was so hard on me.
2 months ago he decided we should break up and that it isnt working anymore. Hes not inlove with me anymore and it hurt me so much.
For some reason, I still feel like we belong. that our issue is distance, and god knows how hard i tried to fix everything even though i dont feel like i am to blame. but hes beeing too stubborn.
I decided to go on no contact. and its been almost a month since. But it breaks my heart.
I want him, i feel like im supposed to end up with him. But nothing seems like its changing anytime soon.
What should I do? Should I give up?
He feels like my soulmate. But soulmates aren’t supposed to hurt each other like this.
I met him back in 2016 ,I was in college and he happened to be a military , our relationship has been good all long till December this year when he asked me to pay him a visit and I couldn’t make to it, it really hurts me when I realize that long distance killed our relationship
I feel for you. In the same exact position. Whatever you do, follow the “no contact”. It hurts, but it works.
I’m in a relationship with a a military man since 01/01/2020. He only started his journey this year. (In short we met last year October, I really didn’t expect it to be more than friends). I am struggling with not being able to see him, because of Covid-19 its worse. Due to health issues I had to move back home from uni so I’m neither seeing my friends nor him. I feel so lonely and unsatisfied. I was thinking that even if covid-19 wasn’t here I still wouldn’t see him much. The thought of knowing that one day I won’t see him for 9 months with nor contact upsets me so much. I love him loads and I know he does too, I don’t wanna breakup as I believe that it will be worth it at the end. But, not gonna lie I am scared that he’ll be the one walking away one day as he may meet someone, even though I trust him I’m just worried. I really dunno what to do.
I dont know if anyone is still reading this, but I have to write.
I have been in a very serious LDR for 10 years.
Due to certain circumstances we were not able to be together, but met often for two or three weeks at a time. We were constantly trying to find ways to be together and even during the travel ban…found a way.
We were now very close to being able to live together, finally. Coronavirus is getting worse and worse everywhere. It was very difficult and painful to be separated so much for all of those years. God bless Skype. A few days ago, I found a perfect apartment for us to live in here….but sadly did not get it. When I told him of this, we had a bit of a disagreement. Long story short, that very day, he completely ghosted me. Blocked me on every form of communication I had. I tried to call and he told me to leave him alone.
I am completely devastated. My whole life revolved around planning to be with this man forever. He is a wonderful, kind and generous person. I shake and cry and am physically ill constantly. I cannot function. Every day I wait and stare at my phone. Maybe today will be the day he comes back. It hasn’t even been a week. I dont know what I will do after two weeks or months or years. I’ve never loved someone this much in my entire life. He was truly my soul mate. I feel helpless because I cannot go there and knock on his door. Having no closure or saying goodbye keeps me hoping and waiting.
I am literally, in the exact same situation as you. I could have written it myself. He broke up with me and cut me off completely. No closure, nothing. I am devestated.
Email me at k.vonblix@gmail.com if you want to talk.
Also, this website has been a life saver for me.
I emailed you. I agree, this site stopped me from sending a begging, sad message to him.
My married (he does not want a divorce because of money) lover is 70 years old and lives a 6 hour drive from me. He has told me on line many times that he loved me but recently he said, the drive is too long ( he drive down to tell me this in person) and we aren’t getting anywhere just being on line. I asked him if he was seeing someone? He said no, he is impotent due to drugs he takes and his response was it’s not easy at this age and you can’t have intercourses. So I left the motel, went home, and took him of my on line contacts. He was driving another four hours to go hunting with friends.
Som after two years and knowing him for forty years, I am heart broken, will miss our long chats, but figure he either met someone where he lives or intends to.
Hi,
I don’t really think I belong here. I am 16. But I just want to share my story.
I’ve been with this lovely guy for 6 months. And I was, still am, deeply in love with him and I miss him so much. But I broke up with him last week and I told him it was because of the distance. But that was not the only reason. There were things that he did that I didn’t like. Things that made me sad. But I never told him. I now know that this is my fault, that I am sad. Because if I told him what I didn’t like or what made me sad. He would change that because he cared about me. I know that he would. But still I kept it inside.
This is also difficult in a LDR. Because your partner can’t just show up, or see you. Maybe through a screen but that is different. It’s difficult for your partner to see what’s wrong if you mostly text. You can just say that you’re alright, or that it is okay. But he can’t see your sad face or hear the emotions in your voice. So he thinks you’re fine.
I was scared to tell him what’s wrong. I shouldn’t have been. I should’ve told him. That would’ve changed everything. I wouldn’t be here.
Now i know that I was in the wrong. (Not all the time, I mean if he had I brain he could know that some things you don’t do or say in a relationship. Or things that you should do in a relationship.) but okay.
What also led to my discussion for a break up. Is the thought about the future. What will happen if we stay together?. I was thinking about how we still need to finish school and college. But after that. I don’t know. Maybe I am thinking a bit far ahead. But still after some time you have to think about the future.
(Idk why, but I think I am talking about things that I don’t even understand. That these are problems for what older people, not for somebody who is 16. Maybe you are thinking this. But I still like to share it even though i am 16.) I think I will end it here. If you want to know more or if you have something to say you can reply to this.
Thanks for reading this.
And sorry for the bad English.
hey, i’m 17 and my story is similar to yours. i was also in a LDR and i broke up with him a few days ago but im still in love with him. it sucks because i truly felt like he was the right person for me 🙁
Hi Zan,
After bringing up the idea of breaking up in a conversation a month ago, my bf and I decided to mutually end things. We both started medical school in different states and although prior to leaving for school we had decided to give long distance a try, immediately I felt that my emotional needs weren’t being satisfied because he couldn’t give me much time. I didn’t need to be his top priority (we both agreed school would be); however, he made me feel like I wasn’t even a priority. Also, this being both of our first relationship (9 months long), we weren’t certain enough about each other to date with the purpose of marriage in mind. For the next week we still called everyday until finally no contact for two weeks. I thought I was doing better (still thinking about him, but crying less) until he called a couple days ago and I can’t help but miss him so much it hurts, especially since it felt so nice talking to him. Did I make a mistake? Or was it right and instead I need to be more strict with myself and do no contact. Please leave your advice, I really can’t keep crying for hours on end. Thank you in advance!
My ex boyfriend and I met during lockdown online. When we finally met i sensed something was off. I assumed there was someone else. I was right. He told me it was just a flirt, with an ex. But he broke my heart and trust. For it looked way more than a flirt on Facebook. I broke up with him, he ended things with her or so he said.
We got back together, he seemed remorseful, promised me to try to be monogamous and not flirt anymore with other women. He wanted to be with me. Because we were in a new relationship, only 3 months of which 2 months only online, i gave him very reluctant the benefit of the doubt.
He said all the right things, did all the right things and was willing to give me what i needed to earn my trust back. We would take a short vacation to visit his mum and he would tranfer his work to my city. Or ask me to move with him elsewhere.
Three days later he told me he had to move home for a sick u cle to help hos mum. And that his brother found him a job on the other side of the country. Coping with broken trust I could not be in a long distant relationship with him, he knew that, i told him that.
I mean, his behavior prior with his ex ( who was not his ex, i assumed but still his girlfriend because of the things happening between them when i found out) he wanted me to trust him he would not pull that stunt on me. I could not. So i refused the LDR.
He only said he was sorry. Never asked me to follow him, never contacted me or wished me well.
I think i did the right thing because of all that happened, but some days I am in so much doubt. So confused. On the verge of contacting him again.
It has been three weeks since i told him no, almost 2 months since the initial breakup when i found out about the other woman. I wonder if it ever gets better for i never will know if he was sincere or just using me.
Hello,
I’ve been following your site for quite awhile already.
We broke up because of distance. It has been 7months already that we haven’t seen each other because of pandemic. Non essential travel banned is not yet lifted in my country and he can’t visit me too because tourists are not allowed also here.
I am in no contact rule the moment he told me we were over because he is not enjoying waiting anymore and it feels so frustrating being alone all the time thats why friendship will have to suffice for now. He is an introvert and depressive person. He was laid off from job since April.
Now, aside from pandemic, theres another problem that they are experiencing in California right now, wild fires, hazy area. Would it be okay for me to reach out to just check and hope he is okay? Or i will just keep it to myself? 🤭
What about when you are in a relationship for 2-3 months, you live in different cities (30-45minutes train ride), he tries and intends to move in with you in your city and travel to his workplace every day (30-45minutes by train), but then Corona happens and tears all these plans apart..as there is no transport available and there are no ways to make it work. He breaks up with you through a very simple message and he doesn’t reply or talk to you again…in 3 weeks he unfollows you on social media and you find out he is dating someone else in his city?
Hi Zan,
I was talking to someone for 3 months and we just recently broke up 5 days ago. He(26) (I’m 23). He told me that the timing wasn’t right for him and that the pandemic has taken a toll on his life. This guy lived in the suburbs, no social life or relatives & didn’t like social media, and was very close to his mother. We would zoom for hours and the connection was fun and meaningful. After 2 months of virtually dating he tried to break up over a fear of infecting his elderly parents with the coronavirus, since he lives with them. When the topic of moving back into his apartment to live alone in order to “isolate” after seeing me he would say okay and then feel anxious.
He revealed to me that he was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder +OCD and that he was taking a high dose antidepressant for it. In addition, getting therapy every week. He told me his fear of knives, feces, Driving in the dark, and I’m sure there are other fears that I will never know about.
After he tried breaking up out of fear he immediately changes his mind and begs to have me back. I accepted his flaws thinking that he would change and agreed to let him back into my life. He promised me that he wouldn’t let his flaws get in between our relationship and that I meant a lot to him and he “loved me” since I was mature & patient with him.
Then, we meet on our first real date & he tells me that he wants to see me again and that all those months of virtually talking he felt a connection and wants me in his life. After our date, he goes back to his parents and isolates in his room for 7 days because of his fear.
Truth is, he was afraid of being alone in his apartment because of his anxiety &ocd. He starts texting me telling me that he wants to see me but it’s a challenge for him because he has to drive to see me(he lived an hour away but was okay with it before) and says he wishes we lived closer. Then a week later he breaks up with me telling me that he’s messed up too many times and that his flaws are getting in his own way. He tells me that I’m worth it and that I deserve better, saying he’ll miss me..he tells me that if the timing were better this wouldn’t have been this way. He told me that I would want to be with a coward like him.
I was upset & broke up as well because he couldn’t be strong like he promised. I can’t believe he let go of me.
He’s had ocd his whole life and told me he was nonfunctional during his teen years, but yet he’s still in a “bad place” now even though he seemed like he was better.
I noticed he deactivated his fb immediately after the breakup, but why if he’s the one who ended it?
I’m so hurt now, I trusted him and was so patient and mature. I miss him and am wondering if he’ll ever come back. Apparently this had nothing to do with me…but when a man really likes a girl doesn’t he fight for her?
I’m assuming his ocd took a toll on the distance aspect?
Hi my boyfriend and I we have 3 years in a relationship, but we live in to different country, we wear seeing each other every month, we try to stay ass much we can and we travel some places, I visit his family and share with them and hi did it ass well with my ,when I visit him I stay in his house for weeks and when he come visit me he stay in the hotel we enjoy a lot, but due to the covid 19 everting is going bad we have almost 6 months that we not seeing each other we talk on video call every day 2 times some 3 times a day we where having some fight because we where not understand each other deferent opinion about the way he wants to communicate with me. I decided to breakup with him but he don’t want to he believe that we don’t have to do that, he say that I have problem with trust him and i really don’t want to stay like this way anymore, he stay positive that we will be together again but I don’t think so I believe that distance kill love but hi don’t think that way,
What can I do I still love him and he say hi love me more and still miss me, what to do?
Hey Zan,
Dating a guy for half a year now and our connection is great on the love and companionship part of the spectrum. However when it comes to commitment, he is having a hard time adopting a partner like role in our relationship. He just got out of a bad relationship of three years when we started going out. We spent a lot of time together at the beginning, but over time as his study demanded more of his efforts, he started to become anxious and depressed about school and shut himself off from the outside world more and more. The pandemic enabled him to do that too. Instead of a couple of days a week, we’ve been seeing each other every two weeks lately, and still text daily.
Now he is so overwhelmed he decided to quit his study and move in with a friend of his that has a shop where he can work. His new location is 2 hours away. Although the distance isn’t crazy, I still wonder if he will be able to make time for me, because he previously failed to make time when he was close by. He seems to want to keep seeing me, we have only been “exclusive” but he previously wasn’t ready for a relationship.
We are meeting in a couple of days to talk it over. Do you think it’s better to tell him to come back when he is ready and shut it off, or give it a chance and keep dating over the distance?
Hi Eve.
If you love your boyfriend, don’t assume that he wants to put a break on your relationship. Give him the emotional support he needs and of course, let him breathe when he needs space. Your boyfriend will tell you what he feels. All you should do is encourage him to open up.
Best regards,
Zan
I was going through divorce in Hawaii. I was retiring military. I met this awesome woman Jessica who was also divorcing. We dated nearly 2.5 years. We both had kids similar in age. We loved each other very much. Never fought or argued. My divorce finalized and I got full custody of my kids. I wanted a better education for my kids and moved back to the mainland and got a great job. She was given 50/50 custody and wasn’t able to move with me. Her youngest was 9 meaning she couldn’t leave the island for 9 more years. I tried long distance dating for a few months and sadly I broke her heart and broke up with her knowing she wasn’t going to move. She wanted a long distance relationship but I did not. I tried dating others but could only think of the love of my life. 8 months later she is totally happy in a new relationship and I realize I made a huge mistake and miss her a lot. So for anyone else thinking about moving long distance think really hard if you love someone. I ended up with the broken heart and approaching a year since moving and its still broken. I’ve accepted the loss. I’m very happy for her as she deserves a great guy which she now has to make her happy. She wont even acknowledge me anymore and rightfully so. I did put my kids 1st but damn this is really tough to get over as I truly love her. I wish I was like most guys that just dont care but I do.
I hope my ex feels this way. I want him to hurt like I am now.
Amber, the pain is real. Im sure your ex is hurting too is he is thinking the way I am. Best of luck to you.
Why?
Update on all. She called me out of the blue and is leaving Hawaii and asked me to take her back and her life is miserable without me. I did find a great lady over the past couple of months so we shall see.
Any update, Joel?
Charlie the update is. She has moved to upstate NY in an agreement with ex husband I live in CO. She asked me to move with her. Twist to this is she had a married man move in with her a few months after I left Hawaii. She wants me to dump my current GF and in turn she will dump her married BF in Hawaii thats still in the Navy. This made me have a change of heart. I told the person I am dating now. She is like we have a great thing going between us and said to give her a chance and show me she is better. She appreciated my honesty and for now I am going to give this new woman a chance. I told my ex GF I am not going to compete with a married man and am better than that. Sure we had an amazing relationship but for her to tell me to leave my current GF so she will leave her married BF is a huge red flag for me and I will not leave who I am dating now as she has been a total sweetheart and is only focused on me. Why would I leave someone that hasn’t done anything wrong? Thats the latest update. My ex doesnt know why I won’t drop the current GF and just take her back. I was all in until she told me about a current married BF that shes now stringing along. Lol what a mess and I think I have made the right decision. My current GF is wonderful.
Hi Zan!
I was in a one year long-distance relationship with a guy I had a great connection with. We met twice and spoke daily. Due to his career plans falling apart (we are both doctors) he decided to put our relationship on standby indefinitely while he figured his life out but wanted to continue communicating regularly and said maybe in a year or two he may come to my country. After a month, it grew very frustrating for me as he was depressed and didn’t want help and grew apart from me…he clearly said he didn’t want to deal with a relationship for a while. I wrote to him a message that I could no longer be on standby and he’d know where to find me when he became that great guy again (this was end of December 2019). He didn’t have another woman in the picture of which I am sure was the truth.
He told his parents I am an exceptional woman but that I live in another country which is ridiculous as he has always wanted to leave his country and he’s the one who pursued me as I was very hesitant to get into a LDR at first.
I broke no contact twice two months later for closure and he replies he wants to remain friends and we never know in the future but that he doesnt want to make plans to which I said I cannot be friends right now.
And the second time I broke it, was last week when we spoke on the phone, he apologized that he treated me unfairly and said for now he doesn’t think we have a future as his career isn’t set and he wants to stay in his country for now. I wrote to him a heartfelt goodbye message basically telling him I want and deserve much more and that I wish him all the best in life to which he replied kindly.
What do you think? I am going indefinite NC.
Hi – my ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 1 month ago after a 3+ LDR (very long distance – separated by continents). She said she was tired of the time/distance apart, and that she no longer felt as excited to talk or see me. I begged and was devastated (but not angry). After a few days I responded via email saying I understood and accepted her decision. She called me (I screened it) and we texted a bit. After a few days we spoke, and then talked via phone/text for a few days. We have had positive, meaningful conversations, but I admitted that I still had feelings for her and that it was difficult for me to speak without missing her. She called me a few days later, I texted back a few hours later and wished her goodnight but we did not speak. I haven’t heard back since then (about 3 weeks).
She had told me a few times when we were still talking that she wants to keep talking with me and for me to be a part of her life. But should I continue with no-contact / wait for her to reach out again? Or is the ball in my court now?
I am still coming to terms with the breakup, but have accepted it has happened. I am very focused on improving myself right now (physically, mentally and emotionally). One of my improvements has been to communicate more mindfully, which I think was one of the contributing factors to the breakup (in addition to complacency and a lack of physical intimacy). If she and I can speak on good terms, would speaking right now help rekindle her feelings for me?
My story is… Sad. I don’t know how to put up with myself anymore.
Me and my boyfriend of 3 years (who kept neglecting me) met a guy who was remarkably kind and warm towards us. He visited our town to work a summer job. As our friendship grew, I developed feelings for him and he felt the same way. It felt as if I’d known him forever. He stopped talking to my boyfriend and kept talking to me.
Because of my crumbling relationship, I made the stupid mistake of confessing my love and we started with emotional cheating and hugging. I regret it to this day. I left a letter for my boyfriend about it and he was ready to fight for me. He did everything he could, he mended his problems and stopped neglecting me. My feelings for him returned like wildfire.
At this moment, I had strong feelings for not one, but two people. I felt sick to my stomach and hated myself for letting the other guy in. I kept running after both of them and my old boyfriend hated it, as anyone would. I wanted to be a good and caring wife to both of them, ignoring what it would actually mean for them.
I hadn’t had such feelings for anyone else but my current boyfriend. I felt like he was family. After numerous fights and lots of tears and suffering, my boyfriend had me make a final choice, and I couldn’t. Some time later the other guy ended our shortlived relationship because of the distance and because I was in an ongoing relationship.
He did talk to me after the breakup but after two months, he sent me pictures of himself which broke me. I let him know that it hurt me, told him that I miss him and cried uncontrollably He told me it’s over for good. I felt horrible and guilty. He blocked me on all social media channels and even blocked my phone number.
Today it’s been 2 years since we last talked. It’s funny how it lasted only two months and yet it keeps torturing my soul for years. I’m still together with my boyfriend. He doesn’t neglect me but is as self-concious as he’s always been. I truly love him. I’ve always had a goal to make him feel better about himself. I see his good sides that he doesn’t. But with that I’ve done, I ironically hurt his self esteem even more. I have let him know how much I regret it but I can never take those actions back.
And yet, about the other guy, I can’t get over him. I regret confessing my feelings, i regret telling him that I miss him, i regret being clingy and desperate. To this day, I try my best not to think about him, and yet everything reminds me of him and my mistakes.
I frequently see dreams of him even though I never think about him before sleeping. These dreams hurt the jesus out of me and make me feel guilty. I feel warm but sad inside when I think of him. I get random urges to check on him to see if he’s doing alright. I know I am happy with my boyfriend, I know his flaws and I accept them, I feel the same warmth when I see and hold him, how and why does my heart still yearn for an another guy? I say I love my boyfriend but want to keep doing stuff that hurts him, am I insane?
On some days I consider suicide because my heart is split and I can’t shake the guilt for what I’ve done and for what I feel. I die inside when he pops into my head while I hug my boyfriend. I keep seeing the moments where my own boyfriend cried because of my split feelings. I badly hurt my both my boyfriend and him. And my heart wants to do it all over again, on the fifth year of my successful relationship WHILE MY BOYFRIEND GIVES HIS BEST TO KEEP ME HAPPY. I feel like a horrible person. I feel abnormal. I hate my guts. I don’t know how long I have left. I’m hoping time fixes me before I break.
I know how is it suffer from breaking up:( I think you should think also about the bad things the new man brought into your life. What bad he did to you. Just remember how he ends your relationship. Think about future foth your boyfriend. What about to have kids? Build something new with him. You already paid for your mistakes, please, dont judge and torture yourself. I also have sometimes dreams about past relationship, but life must go on. He wasnt so good.