The grass is greener syndrome comes in various stages.
We have previously mentioned them in the grass is greener syndrome: GIGS article and explained the definition of GIGS.
This time, we’ll go into a little more detail and reveal what is going on with the dumper as he or she goes through the grass is greener syndrome stages.
GIGS is notoriously known because couples often begin to take each other for granted.
Over time, small arguments become big and big romantic gestures mean little. In long-term relationships, we call this occurrence the grass is greener syndrome.
The human being has the capacity to take anything for granted—no matter how great it may be.
Once we become overly comfortable with what we have and what we’re doing, we completely disregard its importance.
In other words, we fail to realize its true potential since it’s given to us on a regular basis.
This often happens in relationships, wealth and most importantly—health.
A dumper experiencing the stages of the grass is greener syndrome takes his or her partner for granted and sees only the worst in him or her, instead of the best.
In a heartbeat, the dumper suddenly forgets all the nostalgic, romantic, happy, adventurous and supportive moments.
Any relationship in which the couple refrains from expressing gratitude is heading for imminent death.
Oftentimes, routines and complacency are the main cause of this occurrence.
Repetitive activities, bad behavioral patterns, and insecure attachment styles also contribute to being taken for granted and for GIGS stages to develop.
More often than not, both the dumpee and the dumper are partially responsible for the development of the GIGS.
So know that very rarely is only one person responsible for the destruction of the relationship.
In the picture below are the most common grass is greener syndrome mistakes.
Please note that if you as a dumpee did your best until the very end or at least put in the effort to water the relationship, then GIGS is not your fault.
On the other hand, if you showed many shortcomings and insecurities, such as neediness, you might have contributed to the grass is greener syndrome.
It goes without saying that anyone who doesn’t respect himself or herself, inadvertently loses his or her partner’s respect.
If this happened to you, don’t worry. What’s done is done.
You may have pushed your ex over the edge, but the grass is greener syndrome stages could still take place and bring him or her back once the dumper has processed the breakup.
The only things your dumper ex needs to get through the grass is greener stages is time and some negative experience.
Before your partner becomes an ex-partner and goes through the 4 stages of the grass is greener syndrome, he or she experiences the early symptoms of the breakup.
These prerequisites occur before the actual GIGS when the couple is still together.
Early symptoms of GIGS are:
- unhappiness
- doubt
- avoidance
- stress
- decision
1)Absolute conviction
The first of the 4 stages of the grass is greener syndrome is the absolute conviction stage.
In this stage, the dumper is utterly convinced that his or her ex is not right for him or her.
And that’s why the dumper focuses strongly on the dumpee’s negative points.
The things the dumpee does for the dumper on a daily basis no longer matter as the dumper sees only what he or she wants to see.
While the dumper’s attention is on the negative side of the fence, the dumpee’s is on the happy side.
Since one person is unable to hold the relationship together, conflicting views on the relationship soon break the couple apart.
The second the dumpee tries to super-glue the broken pieces back together, the dumper loses his or her patience and shows an angry side.
As the name of the stage says—the dumper is absolutely convinced breaking up is the solution to the grass is greener syndrome.
And as a result of a strong belief, he or she soon breaks up with the dumpee, leaving him or her devastated.
Many times, the dumpee is oblivious to the reasons behind the breakup as the dumper often uses some generic breakup excuse—which the dumpee then interprets in the literal sense.
For the dumper to enter the first stage of the grass is greener syndrome, something radical has to change his or her opinion of the relationship.
The most common GIGS culprits are:
- another person in the picture
- routines
- lack of presence
- arguments
- insecure behavior
- weak mentality
- poor relationship skills
2)Exploration
After the absolute conviction stage, comes the exploration stage. In this stage, dumpers are free to explore other options, party hard and enjoy their lives to the fullest.
They will do activities they never did before, hang out with different people and even go against their own moral standards.
They behave irrationally because they are empowered with relief and feel great to be on their own again.
To them, it feels like they are finally free of restraints.
After a while, they will probably get involved with another person and everything will seem great again.
The new person will appear perfect, so they will put all their hope and happiness into this new person. At the same time, they might make some new friends and put them on a pedestal as well.
When they do all these things and more, life will appear absolutely magnificent. They will be very happy with themselves and the direction they are heading towards.
Since the breakup, they have made some new friends, started dating another person and found new hobbies. How much greater could life possibly get, right?
To others, dumpers appear extremely happy with their breakup decision and appear non-affected by it. Why would they when they have all these new things in their life?
3)Reality
The reality stage is the most intriguing of the 4 grass is greener syndrome stages.
If the dumpee could ever be there to see what’s going on inside the dumper’s head, it would be during this stage.
After dumpers have had the chance to explore the world, their relief, overexcitement and the newness of the post-breakup life wear off.
They no longer feel as if they are on top of the world. Contrarily, their emotional stage gets completely neutralized and they are once again confronted with reality.
Overdependence on elation for their well-being comes to a halt. This means that things that didn’t bother them after the breakup, suddenly do now.
Dumpers once again begin to experience the difficulties life has to offer.
Moreover, challenges again become a problem for their emotional well-being—just like for any other human being.
Since they’ve been relying on external factors for happiness, too much of “the good,” makes a bad occurrence twice as bad.
A lack of internal happiness and security makes it that much more difficult for them in the long run.
When they transition from a prolonged happy state to an unhappy one, the sudden change of emotions becomes as different as day and night.
When this happens, dumpers experiencing GIGS go from one extreme to the other and become vulnerable to any predicaments.
It’s impossible to avoid the reality stage no matter how happy the dumper is or appears to be.
He or she just can’t dodge the stages of the grass is greener syndrome.
Avoiding the reality stage is possible only if your ex is a sociopath or a narcissist.
In that case, you’re truly better off on your own.
4)Regret
As long as the grass is greener syndrome stages are internal, the dumper will never be truly happy.
This means that if the dumper leaves because of someone else or gets preoccupied with certain activities, he or she directly avoids the issues that caused GIGS stages in the first place.
The dumper experiencing the grass is greener syndrome then seeks happiness externally. In doing so, the dumper hopes to feel better by putting his or her happiness in the hands of an external force.
Common external sources of happiness are:
- another person
- new activities
- fun
- addictions
- work
Since the dumper relies on external sources of happiness to solve an internal issue, history then repeats itself.
It’s impossible for it not to as the same behavioral patterns are still in place.
Expecting different results by doing the exact same thing is ludicrous.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
albert einstein
The last grass is greener syndrome stage is regret. As the name indicates, the dumper regrets his or her decision and wants what he or she had before the breakup.
Now that the dumper is sad, the dumper again craves intimacy, love, and validation and goes to great lengths to achieve it.
When the dumper realizes that he or she can’t replenish his or her happiness, the dumper then looks for alternate ways.
The fastest way for the dumper to obtain happiness appears to be to run back to an ex and (for the lack of better words) steal it from the dumpee.
The grass is greener syndrome regret stage is so powerful because people are regretful beings. Regret and nostalgia are our worst enemies or our best friends when it comes to our past relationships.
I suppose it depends on the side of the breakup you’re on.
When dumpers initiate the breakup, they don’t regret their decision or feel nostalgic.
Dumpees, on the other hand, are all about nostalgia, self-blame, and regret and therefore experience these powerful emotions to a large degree.
So until you become happy on your own again and your ex gets to the last stage of the grass is greener syndrome, keep healing.
You really can’t go wrong by taking care of your own needs.
Did you enjoy reading about the grass is greener syndrome stages? I’d like to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please consider leaving a comment.
Great article, it definitely resonates with what has happened after 6 years. I’ve been in another long term relationship and like to self reflect. That’s not to say I’m by any means perfect. But we have/ had a really rough year and a half. I me we needed to open up and look at our relationship. But it makes it difficult if the other person won’t talk. Anyway he left and our relationship was so so so bad etc. Found out he had been on dating and hook up sites months prior. So that hurt extra and now I know why he didn’t seem present in our relationship. He had already decided grass is greener. He also is the same with his jobs, becoming bored and not satisfied, blaming everything for the problems. When that happens with work. So he leaves and same thing again and again. Also same thing he will start a new hobby or sport and is exciting until it isn’t. It’s so sad because I know what we had was really great and hard to find. For me anyway I know it is hard to find that connection with someone. But maybe for him it wasn’t that special? There was a lot of selfishness on his part, I recognised it from the beginning and asked myself if it was a deal breaker and decided not. But it did become an issue when you need them to consider other priorities over there own. Idk
Really great to help me understand what could have been the problem and a lot/ if not all of this seems exactly what happened.
Thank you
Hi Kerry.
Your ex has a tendency to run away from problems. This isn’t great for staying in long-term relationships. He needs to change his mentality and work on things instead of chasing highs all the time. Any person can take you for granted, Kerry. Especially a guy who prioritized emotions of excitement over determination and perseverance.
Sincerely,
Zan
Wow ! Incredible! Spot on! I would love to have some sort of couching session with the person who wrote this.
Hi Yasmin.
Check out some of our other articles too and visit our coaching page after.
Kind regards,
Zan
How did this end? I’m going through something similar now!
thank you so much i am going through the same relationship issues myself and i now understand there is light at the end of the tunnel you have to try to be as strong as you can for yourself because you are the only one that can pull yourself up and move on to pastures green and if you partner decides to come back you can be strong enough to be in control and not them and let them make you weak and stupid and fall for there stories of regret because if someone truly truly loves you they would not put you through all the heart ache but stand by you and work it out
My boyfriend completely blindsided me and broke up with me in June after 1 1/2 years. We had a great relationship, or so I thought- we didn’t fight very often and I thought we were happy, I didn’t suspect anything and was completely shocked especially since everything seemed completely normal. I even received my good morning text per usual. Later that evening…. he broke up with me. We were talking marriage, a family, he even took me ring shopping! I had even put an offer on a house 2 days before bu!!!!! I found out 2 1/2 weeks later he was already in a relationship. I’m still completely and utterly devastated and heartbroken. I just feel in my gut he’s the one. Do you think maybe the whole house thing scared him and this is a case of grass is greener? Do you think I may still have a chance and he’ll come back?
Zan
Great article and very informative. I was dumped 3.5 months ago by my girlfriend of 5 years and we were engaged for 1.5 years. She asked for space and that I should work on myself and my relationships with my friends. She started seeing someone new within 8 days and has been spending all her free time with him since. I incessantly texted her and tagged her in things on her social media(ie. didn’t give her the space) have been in no contact with anyone from her life for 3 weeks. I can relate to several things in your article. I’m hoping she comes back, but I have been working on myself and trying to move forward.
How are things?
Hello zan.
My relationship of 14 years with the mother of our 3 kids has ended. She was the one to end the relationship.
Her reason for ending the relationship is because of past fights we’ve had. Also because I lacked in taking her hand in marriage which I take full responsibility for and regret it wish I can go back in time to change that.
She says that the circle with me has come to an end and she has no love for me any more.
She has made it clear that she is moving forward and I am not included in her future.
As a family together we always did family stuff on weekends. My kids love me so much so it hurts so much when I see them leaving after spending the weekends with me. The oldest really wishes for us to get back together.
From the looks of things, she has moved on and just doesn’t have any love for me anymore. The break up was about 2 months ago. I have been trying to ask her to come back, to give me one last chance to make things better and to change as well. But no luck.
Please tell.me what I should do from here on forward.
Let things play out. She’ll either reach the regret stage of she is truly gone…Only time and patience can tell. I advise to stop trying as she is angry and trying just makes her angrier as she’s only remembering the bad times right now.
Hey Zan,
I would like to tell you my story first in brief and here it goes:
I was in a relationship which lasted only 15 days less than 3 years(yeah, we had our anniversary on 14th feb and we broke up on 2nd feb, or atleast she did).
What happened was that we had an argument and I refused to talk out of anger and wanted her to solve the problem between us, but on the contrary, when I didn’t reached out to her for almost a month( this was also due to some of my exams), I got to know that, all this while where I was expecting her to calm things out, she was just moving on. I got to know about this when we met through a common source and then obviously went through denial and pleeding/begging stage.
And at the end of day as your blog rightly speaks, there was no effect and all my hard work and all my changes went into vain to get her back.
So, this was the gist of our breakup and I believe that it happened because of the reasons that there were constant negativity around us, but the fact still hurts that she left me hanging when I was just angry at her for not coming first after a fight.
As this whole incident is quite new(I got to know about her moving on in march’20 itself), I am still getting very confusing thoughts. Sometimes its anger, sometimes its anxiety and sometimes its over-analyzing each and every word she said.
After telling you the reason, I want to share with you that I too thought of starting a blog to help people like who are suffering from getting dumped and was so determined that I almost started my blog but just then, I discovered your blog and I want to speak out my heart on this that all the things which I read on your blog was all the words written exactly the same in my diary(except the part where you tell how to move on, I wrote what happened with me and how I was feeling).
I guess, what I’m trying to say is thank you, as my main motive of starting writing(blog/articles) was to help people who are suffering the same as that me, and when I saw you explaining about everything a dumpee and dumper goes through, it was like satisfying feeling that- “Yes, someone out there understands and have written how to do better while in this phase”.
I really want to thank you and want to add that I’ve probably read each and every article and I’m now on an indefinite no contact stage, where my ex contacted me but I responded in a very cold way so that it didn’t hamper my healing.
Though, I still wish to be back with my ex again, but I have this in mind that it has to be after a while when I’ve achieved a sense of self-worth and self-confidence where I no longer have to beg again or have to go on a month long anger spree which I did on our last fight.
Hello Zan,
Your article is informative and I’ve been reading your 2 articles.
I’m in a LDR and he is the one who broke up with me because of routines. He might fell out of love to me. He found someone lined up before the break up who is nearer to him ( nearer country to him – fyi: the girl is the same nationality as mine but working abroad) which is I think grass is greener. My question is, will he fall in love deeply with her? Will they prosper? I was devastated. Honestly, I want him back.
Note: We never fight during our relationship. This break up is so sudden that I didn’t even see it coming.
Thank you.
From Bebeth
Hello,
I dated someone for 11 years. The Monday before the breakup I had mentioned how long we would continue to be engaged (we had been engaged for 5 years). He told me that he needed 10k in the back I said he should need that much money. He said OK 5k I said if we love each other it doesn’t matter how much money is in the bank. He told me he didn’t want children and was amendment. I told him I did. Anyway a few days later he told me he was unhappy and didnt want to date anymore. I told him he was just depressed he agreed and we seemed ok. Well I tried to get him tickets to a game and he offered me money and said no. That Saturday we went out and everything appeared fine when i told him i wanted to come over he acted very strange and was rude. He called me back and said he was sorry and told me i could come over. He broke up with me again telling me he was unhappy and had met someone the week before. I checked phone records and it appears that he may have been seeing someone else for as long as a year. We broke up a month ago and I have been following no contact. 11 years is a long time and I had a lot invested into the relationship. Im trying to focus on me but so many scenarios keep playing in my mind. It appears the week relationship monkey branch a lie to cover up for the real affair. He has not breadcrumbed or anything. I stopped following him on FB but my friends say that hes happy and it appears that nothing is amiss. Our 12 year anniversary would have been on the 12th. The weak monkey branch with someone that lives 3 hours away i dont think will be successful for him. However, Im pretty sure he has had another relationship on the side but im not sure. I pretty confident our relationship stagnated and given pressure of marriage gigs may seem to be the easy way out. I was just curious of your thoughts.
Me and my ex has a beautiful relationship however she got out of engagement in 2017 when her fiancee didnt think she was much responsible(Self worth issues), then she dated around after couple months of ending engagement I dont think she fully allowed herself to heal. We started dating after 10 months and we lasted 4 months sudden break up out of blue and got back in 4 days when she realized it and again break up after 5 months. I was patient and emotionally stable and understood her problems and never tried to solve it. We were a great team together and we had 90% of happy days with internal humour and laughs and intellectual talks. She wanted to get married and get engaged one day and have my kids. However one day she came home and she said ” I am not the one and she doesnt see me for next 60 years and our principles and values are different and we are incompatible”. We never argued or fight other than small things. also she avoided conflicts. She hated partying alot or hanging out with certain people. But after break up she started partying getting more attention from guys, dating sites after like a month of break up and going out a lot with people she didnt like much and started flirting with the guys in the group and told other people that She gave her best in the relationship immediately 2 weeks after break up. Relationships are hard and you spend 9 months with someone because you are compatible and yes you cant be fully compatible with anyone.
I was a model partner eg: treated her like queen, made lunches for her and packed for her work, dropped to her car for 9 months, opened the door and made sure to walk on the side of the crub every single time we went out and was always patient and present and talked some about future but kept grounded.
My faults: Couple times I commented her to workout with me and meal prepp intially she liked it then she told me she doesnt.
And one time I told her that her ass is awesome and if she squats more it will be even awesome. she was upset but I later told her that I loved her the way she is and wont want to change anything, I just want quality time with her while doing an activity.
Is this a GIGS?
Hi Zan,
My ex girlfriend just broke up with me a month ago. She has since then stopped using our shared Netflix and Spotify account. However, just an hour ago, she logged in to my account and deleted her Netflix profile and Spotify playlist.
Does this signify anything?
Best Regards,
Xeph
Hi, Xeph.
Your ex’s actions don’t imply anything noteworthy. It merely means she’s doing what she has to do to move on.
Best,
Zan
How long would you say GIGS lasts? I know its hard to put a time frame but on average what would you say the time frame is from when they start a new relationship and when they hit the regret stage?
Hey Rob,
this is a very case specific question and cannot be answered just like that. It is dependant on very many factors. It is also possible that the regret stage is never reached, depending on if the dumper notices that the gras is greener on the other side indeed.
Hi Rob.
There is no time frame on how long GIGS can take. Normally, it takes a long time (over 4 months).
Zan
As soon as I finished the last article and returned to the main menu of blogs, I surprised when this new one appeared. Outstanding as always Zan, thank you very much for sharing your knowledge. Have a nice day and receive a big hug from me, from Mexico. Saludos!
Hi Zabdiel.
Thank you for the comment and for reading the blog. I truly appreciate your kindness.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, i have a question, I just broke up with my long distance relationship, we started with LDR, we were in relationship for 14 months, and a week ago she told me she does not feel any spark anymore since last time we met (we only met once after in relationship, which last august) she feel she didnt feel love and give up on me. Which yes lately we fought a lot, i was needy, jealous and easily to get cranky. My question is will she feel Gigs, even in LDR? I tried to contact her but all I got were “leave me alone, make it quick, i want live peacefully”
Yet i just saw her IG she went drink with her friend which never happened before.
Hi Mumu.
She could experience GIGS, but it will likely take her a long time to realize your worth. She’ll probably first have to fail at dating or at something equally emotionally painful.
I suggest you don’t wait around.
Kind regards,
Zan