In this article, I will discuss the positives and the negatives of getting back with an ex.
There are many things to consider when you are deciding whether you should start a new relationship with your ex.
I would like to start by pointing out why you shouldn’t get back with your ex first and talk about the challenges you will face along the way.
Most of the following relationship threats happen early or right after the reconciliation with an ex.
They can be overcome, of course, but both parties must be willing to work hard to solve the issues that the breakup has created.
There are many because the separation on its own creates new challenges.
But before you even get to them, you and your ex must first solve the existing problems that caused the breakup in the first place.
A successful reconciliation requires tremendous personal growth on both sides.
Both parties must wish to work on themselves by identifying the issues that led to the breakup.
They must basically set their ego aside and admit their fault before they’re able to start fixing prominent relationship issues.
Why should you not get back with your ex?
Once issues have been addressed and both parties decide to give the relationship another chance, a new set of challenges arises.
The dumpee becomes anxious and fearful of another breakup, so he or she walks on eggshells.
The dumper, on the other hand, has more power in the relationship.
That’s why distributing power evenly can alleviate this problem.
But this is extremely hard to do if the dumper has taken the dumpee back in a quick manner without carefully thinking things through.
Often, when couples get back together, dumpees are so afraid their ex dumper is going to leave again, they manifest just that.
A universal law states that you create that which you focus upon.
This is, unfortunately, true when you feel unworthy of having your ex back.
Anxiety causes desire, hence why you are feeling the need to get back together and prevent him or her from leaving again.
Low self-esteem and living in fear is not the way to be happy.
If you live in trepidation, you may as well remain single and have a few concerns less to worry about.
Quite frankly, the dumper should be the one to feel anxious about the whole thing and not the dumpee.
Get ready for the battle of your life
Winning an ex back is a difficult process, but keeping him or her is even more challenging.
Not only must you fix the pre-breakup issues, but you must also find a way to set new standards and hold on to the regained power.
Once you get back with your ex, you would think that he or she will now stay forever.
You believe to think that you are so amazing, your ex just couldn’t resist staying away from you.
Whilst that may be true to some degree, your ex also knows how easy it was to get back together with you.
Your ex took you for granted once so what makes you think it won’t happen again?
Because your ex can take you for granted again, it’s necessary to demonstrate that you won’t tolerate abandonment again.
You must, therefore, tell your ex that the doors are always open for him to leave.
But before you do that, you must—in a calm manner explain that you saw the potential for the relationship to work out.
And that if your ex decides to leave again—that you are shutting the door for good, no matter how sorry he or she is.
It’s so important you stick to everything you say and do.
Your ex must discern the power behind your words and see that you are not merely threatening and intimidating your ex by “forcing” him or her to stay.
Your ex will respect you a lot more if you allow your ex to leave any time.
It may seem strange, but your ex wants to feel as if you are going to kick him or her to the curb if he or she messes up one more time.
Attraction comes with respect, and you putting yourself first makes your ex want you more.
You’re improving, but what about your ex?
Now that you are aware of the possible power struggle that can happen right after the reconciliation, you must think deep and hard whether this person is the best in the world for you.
It’s time to ask yourself, “Should I get back with my ex? Will my relationship be any different from what it was, and does it have the potential to be even better?”
Just because you’re working on yourself, fixing your personal issues, doesn’t mean your ex is doing the same.
Dumpees looking to get their ex back, are always much more prone to a permanent change.
They have the fuel, the energy, the desperation, and the dedication to show their ex the ability to learn and evolve.
Many dumpees are looking for an opportunity to meet their exes face-to-face and say, “I told you so!”
But while the perpetuating thoughts to make a change drive them crazy, their dumpers remain exactly where they were prior to the breakup.
Their behavior hasn’t changed (because of their victim mentality), so technically when you get back with an ex, everything is going to remain the same.
Same problems, same behavioral patterns, same old ex.
As much as you don’t want to hear this, getting back with an ex is like riding an old rusty bicycle.
There’s plenty of new shinier bicycles out there, yet you still feel pulled towards the clunky one. Why so?
I can tell you that it’s because of familiarity.
The reason why you want to get back together is that you want to feel secure like you once did.
Your ego and validation are at stake, so you wish to be deemed as significant.
But the truth of the matter is that only you can give yourself the love and importance you deserve.
You decide how to perceive yourself. Your validation shouldn’t be reliant on that one person who decided to walk away.
So is your ex the only person who can make you feel desired and secure?
I don’t think so. Just about any person who falls in love with you can make you feel great to be alive.
If you quickly get back together with an ex, chances are you are going to fall into the same unhealthy routines that plagued your relationship.
Bad behavioral patterns will likely occur as they take time and effort to break and correct.
Getting back with someone who triggered your unwanted feelings could make those bad emotions come back to the surface.
Without taking the time apart and work on yourself and your emotional self-control, the relationship could end for the same reasons.
Do breakups happen for a reason?
Breakups usually happen because something went wrong.
Whether it’s a loss of attraction, taking each other for granted, failing to improve as a person, addictions, cheating, overinvestment, distance, etc, your breakup did indeed occur for a reason.
It was bound to happen because your ex’s certain emotional needs weren’t met.
But just because your ex doesn’t see a future with you, doesn’t necessarily mean that you should blame yourself.
It’s normal to feel jealous and angry at times and have other shortcomings. You’re just a human.
What does matter though is how you express and react to unwanted emotions.
Here’s an example. Your boyfriend has been spending a lot of his time with his female co-worker.
He spends 8 hours a day with her at work and another 2 after work every other day.
You try to tell him in a civilized manner that you don’t feel comfortable with the fact that he is spending way more time with another girl than he does with you. He brushes it off and tells you she’s just a friend at work, and that you have nothing to worry about.
He’s your boyfriend so you have no reason to doubt him—so you tell him you trust him. You want to make your partner happy by “allowing” him to continue spending his time with this girl.
While you let him do as he wishes, you, on the other hand, have this feeling of uncertainty in your gut.
Shortly after, you notice that your boyfriend is solely focused on his own happiness and doesn’t acknowledge your feelings at all.
As a result, your perpetuating anxiety sooner than later causes you to express these unresolved concerns.
Only this time, in a tantrum. Due to your hurt feelings, your ex distances himself from you and swerves towards the girl at work.
She backs him up, calls you jealous and suddenly, he sees you as the bad person.
What I’m trying to say is that in this case, you indeed acted out of fear, but you had every right to do so.
Even though it wasn’t the right thing to do, you felt threatened by the girl at work, and due to pent-up frustrations lashed out at your boyfriend.
This happened because he didn’t ease your anxiety to prove his devotion. Instead, he chose to go with the girl who he recently felt more attracted to.
It’s not your fault for feeling insignificant and starved for reassurance.
Your ex stopped giving you a reason to trust him, so whatever brought out your angry outburst, was strongly justified, as it happened for a very good reason.
This is just an example of why it’s important to understand that you merely reacted to your ex’s action or inaction.
Why should you get back with your ex?
We’ve already mentioned a few negative things to look out for when getting back with an ex.
But what about the positives? Surely there must be something positive to getting back with an ex, right?
Well, as we mentioned earlier, getting back with an ex brings back a sense of familiarity.
Since you’ve been around this person for a while, you immediately know the way to approach him.
You know his likes and dislikes, inside jokes, friends, family, history, pretty much everything.
Getting back with him brings back nostalgia and the feelings that come with it— making the process of reconciliation much easier.
Fond memories and nostalgia are your cards to play when getting back together with an ex.
They hold a lot of powerful emotions.
Another reason why you should get back with an ex is to prove to yourself and others that you can change for the better.
This time around, you can create a stronger foundation based on trust, love, and respect.
Fixing and making a broken relationship work is at least 5x harder than starting a new one. If you and your ex are committed to making a few changes, it can blossom into a successful, long-term relationship.
So if your ex treated you well after the breakup and the relationship didn’t work out due to distance, bad behavioral patterns or because you both think you’re best suited for each other, I believe you should get back with your ex and make things right.
Amicable breakups are incredibly mature, and I honestly believe there’s a huge potential in breakups without any drama.
Not only does it make getting back together with an ex much easier, but with some clarity and understanding of why the things unfolded the way they did, the breakup could actually be a good thing.
Sometimes spending some time apart from each other can be extremely beneficial to the ex-couple as it makes them appreciate each other more.
Do you want to get back with your ex? Is it for the right reasons? Let the readers know by sharing your story.
Hi,
I broke up with my girlfriend 4 months ago who I was dating for 4 years. I happen to had a rebound relationship since, but it became clear for me after like 2 weeks that it won’t work and instantly started to miss my former girlfriend. After the breakup things are only getting worse, and I really want to be with her again. We had an awesome and really deep relationship, sometimes it was a little impoverished, we didn’t really fight anytime. I was happy with her, I just had a few bad weeks and couldn’t handle things right, so I got scared and suddenly broke up with her.
We didn’t really talk since that, once I met one of her friends in a party and she saw that I am feeling really bad, so she told my old girlfriend this. Next day she texted me that she thought that I am having the “honeymoon” phase with the new girl, but now she heard that I am pretty deep and she just wants to tell me not to worry about her. She will be okay, and I should only worry about myself and consider with whom and without whom in the future. Next week I broke up with my new girlfriend and since that I am spending time alone, but I just can’t think of anything else.
I am not sure how to let her know that I still want to be with her, I don’t want to mess up her healing process if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but I feel I just can’t wait until she completely moves on and gets together with someone else, because I know I’ll feel regret again (just like right now because of the whole breakup and the situation I created) for not trying to make things right. I am literally ready for anything to fix things, I know it won’t be the same anymore, but that’s okay, because people change, I just want her to be happy with me. But if she doesn’t, that’s okay too, I just feel like I have to know that too, so I can start forgetting her and moving on.
What do you think of the whole situation?
(Sorry for bad English)
Hi! I think you’ve changed well. Maybe you did some mistakes by dumping your ex when you had a bad week. But seeing you’re honest about being sorry and willing to make her happy again with or without you, I think you did a great job. You became more mature and composed. Kudos to you!
I wish both of you find happiness 🙂
My ex broke up with me. Its been 3 months since the break up. We were together for 1.5 years and were best friends 4 years before that. I did the no contact and texted him. He replied nicely and was very casual with the conversation. But it happened that it was only me texting him. He never initiated any text. After initiating text 3 times in few days intervals i stopped because I thought only I was making efforts. So fast forward 20 days and i sent him a funny post and he asked me how I was .. and he told me he loves and cares about me and misses me more than anything in the world.. i just couldnt reply to all of that because of the hurt and i just changed the topic .. next day he initiated the conversation.. after that i texted him been a day he did not open my text .. he has made new friends too so i dont know if he actually wants me and theres this fear of losing him .. but I’m just trying to be calm as much as I can but I dont know what to do?
Hi, Patience.
You must wait for something to push your ex to the point where he sees your value and comes crying back.
The good thing is that he doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t admire you to the point where he’d want to be with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I found this article at the perfect time. Thank you for writing it. My situation is screwing with my head to say the least. I met my ex 4 years ago.. we dated for two months and broke up. he broke up with me but He ended up showing up at my job 5 months later and we started talking again, and then we dated for about 2 years It hasnt been all peaches and flowers, but I definitely fell really hard for him and I love him. However, at the end of the two years, we broke up bc there were differences in what we saw in our future and it was causing us to fight a lot. So it was mutual and incredibly kind. we stayed friends.. except we ended up sleeping together again (and for another year). we did everything a couple would do, but we just weren’t dating because of the future differences. he also moved away to college during this last year, and he changed completely. he started doing a lot of hurtful things that he never wouldve even considered when he still lived close to me. idk how to explain it, but a lot changed. it was constant fighting. but somewhere along the way I kind of lost myself and became dependent on him bc i never lost feelings and i was also going through a pretty rough health situation, and i was counting on him for support. he started being cruel in things like not making time and not calling when he said he would or reading a text and not answering. if i ever said anything about it, he always had a reason and i believed him bc im not the type of person that lies or is deceitful or would even think about being that way, so i took his word and believed him. he kept promising to change when he saw me and he showed me he really cared through his actions, but every time i left, he went back to his old ways. in the past when we were dating, he always fixed anything that was wrong. but that just kinda stopped. then, we broke up in june and didnt speak for a month. his birthday is in the beginning of july, so i contacted him and we ended up starting all over again. and that led to 3 more months of fighting, when we broke up in early october. i can recognize my oan faults and i realize i was using him as a crutch bc of my health issues, so i became pretty needy, constantly doubting how he felt about me, and pretty much like did not whatsoever believe that he cared bc the ignoring my calls and texts, and lying got worse. however, during this time, he made new friends in school who were all telling me that they thought i was it for him. and he would be so sweet most of the time when we were together. im very loyal and i truly love him so i guess it was the saying that love makes you blind. anyways, i asked him what i was to him bc i couldnt handle not getting the full commitment and support of a relationship but still participating in relationship-like activities. he kind of avoided the question for awhile but did end up saying he cared about me a lot and other sweet stuff. (idk if he was saying what i wanted to hear). and so for the breakup in early october, it started bc i basically told him exactly what i wanted and that i wanted to talk to him about it and for him to let me know when he had the time to. he would keep giving me times and then say he had to go only 10 minutes in. so i got fed up and gave an ultimatum (stupid, ik) that if he didnt call to talk i was ending it. he ended up not calling. the same day, he texted me saying he didnt want to speak to me. so i drove to him and he just kept saying that hes been trying to rip off the bandaid slowly for weeks but that wasnt working so now he was going to do it at once. but at the same time, he also kept trying to kiss my face and he was still like joking around with me. i could tell that he was trying to be a jerk on purpose to make it easier. when i left, he told me to call him when i got home to make sure i got there safe. he didnt answer bc it was late, but he did call the next day twice for no reason. fast forward like two days, his friend messaged me asking what happened and made my ex facetime me and stuff and it was like normal and his friend was asking why we werent together and what happened and all this stuff. after that call, the next day, i asked his friend if anything had changed. and he just told me that my ex still liked me it was just the stuff w our future. so, im writing this now bc idk what to do. i dont understand why he would act one way if he felt another, or if it was all just an act bc we were still having sex, or if he was just also confused like i was bc we didnt wanna lose eachother but the issues were still there so they just got amplified. i posted a picture on ig a few days ago and he liked it in literally 5 seconds. after the convo i had with his friend, i basically sent him a message saying that i wish we could work it out but i respect his decision. now, im focusing on myself. i am trying to be my own support system bc only i can get myself through it. i realize all this and its only been 3 weeks. we havent spoken since the text convo. im doing no contact and i plan to for atleast 3 months bc of how much of a toll this has been for me emotionally. i dont want to be that person anymore. i know i have a lot of things to work on. basically, im just writing this to get an outside perspective.
after the breakup, something just kind of clicked for me and i decided i would be willing to compromise on the future things as long as it didnt take away from what i want for my life. but i also dont know if thats the grief speaking or if its real. i also dont even know if he still loves me. im not like a lot of other girls.. i dont party or drink or do drugs or act crazy or any of that, and sometimes i feel like thats what he wants bc its the college scene. im not going to change obviously, but its making this whole process more difficult bc hes not very active on social media and i have a fear that hes with someone else already.. even though its been 4 years. thats just betrayal. i dont think theres a way i would even find out bc he doesnt post his business everywhere.
yeah, thats it. thanks for reading! sorry this is all over the place. i think im venting at this point. im trying to make sense of something that doesnt make sense.
pls help
Also, during the two years we dated, he was incredibly kind and so caring and thoughtful. thats what makes this even more confusing for me. i dont know what happened and i dont know if im holding on to who he used to be
Hi there. Thanks for the comment.
Before you even attempt to patch things with him, you should really consider if this is something you want. The past 4 years have been constant arguing and breaking-up. This just isn’t how a normal relationship should be. For it to function properly, you must learn to set your differences aside. If you can’t, or aren’t willing to agree on even the most trivial things, you shouldn’t be dating this person.
First things first, take the NC seriously, and re-evaluate the whole relationship. You now see what this person is capable of – lying, deceiving, avoiding, etc. Decide if this is really something that you would tolerate for the rest of your life – or until he changes (if he decides to). Right now, when you need something from him, he doesn’t give, and only makes your anxiety worse. When he lets you wait and doesn’t reply, he makes you more and more emotionally dependant on him. Really think this through.
Another thing to note is the amount of times you’ve broken up. It means that neither of you are willing to let things go. Even if you reconcile right now, nothing is going to change. Without taking the time off (apart) and work on your issues, the same behavioiral patterns are going to recur. You have to start fixing your issues, as well as the attachment to this person.
When your ex said that he cares for you a lot, but avoided answering the question, you know what that means. He didn’t want committmen, and instead of hurting your feelings, answered in a different way.
Your ex is confused at the moment. He doesn’t see a future because it doesn’t look very promising. He knows that getting back together is going to have both positives and negatives. He’s very afraid of the negatives right now.
Forget about what he feels and stay in no contact forever. There’s no such thing as three months. If it’s ever going to work, it’s when he’s ready, not you. You can become ms. perfect during those three months, and he still won’t change his mind. Time is what he needs right now, so let him come back on his own if he wants to.
As for you, get to work. Sit down, open a notebook and write your past mistakes. Next to mistakes, write the correct answers to how you would react differently this time. This is a step you have to take seriously. If you truly want to change, you have to take it seriously now, while you are still in this perplexed state. Do whatever it takes to rewire your belief system, and change your bad habits.
As you can see, it all starts and ends with you. When you make yourself as attractive as possible, your chances of reconciliation increase. It’s not about what he says or does. It’s all about you. Both you and your ex have the right to leave the relationship any time. My personal opinion is that you should both date other people for a while. In that way, you will be able to appreciate what you had, and work much harder to reach your ultimate relationship goal.
It’s your time to act!
Zan
Hi Zan
Thanks so much for so all what you said above – it’s funny Iv been broken up with for so long and read so much about how to move on and focus on yourself and kids but last year I was absolutely in a bad state – It was because of the complete shock and anxiety of a marriage with someone I knew and loved with for so long. And yes having shared dreams, kids and then the shock of it all.
But you right it’s horrible at first coz you can’t be happy you don’t want to be and think your wrong for being happy with your children’s wout someone that you made a vow too. And you so right in your other post where you say they are like this cold person you don’t recognize and what is worse you right – they not like that really – they just like that with you but everyone else they their normal self – the person you woke up everyday and just acted ‘normal and ok and fine with’ and suddenly now complete ‘strangeness’ with you?
And you can’t seem to understand why they doing this and things just can’t go back to them being talking and loving with you. I know most dumpers fear they walking back in the same relationship and I know you said most dumpees chase after the dumper coz they look like the one with the upper hand and ‘the nice happy life they get to share their company with other people’ but mostly I feel I just was robbed of that opportunity to show them – when you take a vow of commitment with someone you love, then when they tell you they are unhappy you just want the chance to make it right to show them you are willing to step up but I felt (probably along with other dumpees) robbed of that chance.
While I know people have a right to walk away if they felt so unhappy and hurt by your actions (or even inactions) and you can’t force anyone to stay with you, I admit it feels unfair of them to just do that to you and then to be also treated so badly almost as your time with them meant nothing (but that they can treat their ‘friends all better’) is almost for me the height of being a$$hole. Nevertheless I continue to consider their actions in context ie how they are with you and not that they are like that with others but still that hurts more 🙁
I totally agree tho’ – your examples of actions one takes to lash out above is so natural – and all the couple needs above is to learn the skills on how to repair the upset in that moment. Both parties did wrong but the continual actions along those lines wout the necessary repair cause so much hurt it leads to the eventual breakup – and if only the couple knew those tools to have avoided it in the first place 🙁
Hello again Ruby. Thanks for the comment!
I apologize for taking so long to reply as I have been remote of my natural habitat.
It can be so distressing when your envision future comes crashing down on you. Marriage, kids and vows make it that much harder.
Dumpers are always like this — cold and distant as if dumpees ever wanted to hurt them. it’s their self-defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting too close to the dumpee, and becoming vulnerable again. To lower their defenses, you must stop trying with them and show them you are not a threat to them. Some things are counter-intuitive, and this is definitely one of them. You want your ex back? Don’t say or show you want him back.
I’ve come across some people that strongly disagree with this tactic, because it’s “a dirty game.” They would rather be 100% honest with their SO and write love poems and beg them back to insanity and beyond. This sort of behaviour kills the remaining value and obliterates any chances of reconciliation. I’m sure you know all this by now. I just wanted to point it out again to additionally motivate you.
You can’t deny the fact that what your ex says and does after the break-up is who he really is. He may have been an angel when you were with him, but when the relationship has come to an end, you got to see his real colors.
Forget about the ifs and buts right now. As a matter of fact forget about that forever. I could be a millionnaire if I had done things differently in the past too. Try to learn what you can, and make sure you don’t repeat your mistakes in the future.
Try to let go of the common dreams. This is the time you create your own dreams. I guarantee you — you won’t need your ex back if you can create ambitions so strong, you will get out of bed for them in the morning.
Zan