If you’re in a rebound relationship or your ex seems to be in one, you need to know what the stages of a rebound relationship are so you know what to expect and how to react.
Just as people need time to develop feelings and grow a bond with someone they like, they also need a reasonable amount of time to detach after a romantic relationship. And they need to do that by focusing on internal happiness rather than connecting with other people and trying to plan a life with them.
That’s how they can let go of their ex and open their heart up to someone new.
The biggest problem for dumpers is that they usually don’t have any romantic feelings for their exes. They’re normally mainly or fully detached, so they don’t usually sit at home and cry for ages. Although some dumpers cry, they don’t cry because they’re still in love with their exes and can’t move on without them.
They cry and think about their exes because they feel guilty and can’t forgive themselves for hurting their ex.
Bear in mind that the 6 stages of a rebound relationship follow a similar pattern to the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper. All of these stages happen naturally with time and experience. But how much they affect dumpers depends on how mature dumpers are, how developed their next romantic partner is, and how capable they are of letting go of the past and respecting their ex.
Most dumpers start respecting their ex only when they need to start respecting their ex. And they need to do that when they need help coping with whatever issue they got themselves into. This issue can be anything that caused them stress, depression, low self-esteem, or problems in their next (rebound relationship).
When they start rebounding aka realizing that they’re not the most compatible with the new person, that’s when they think about their ex and feel pulled toward him or her. That’s when they doubt whether they’ve made the right decision.
It sucks, but couples in long-term relationships tend to take each other for granted. They often experience GIGS – the grass is greener syndrome and develop negative thoughts and feelings.
The best way for them to get out of this downward spiral and respect/love each other is to get into a new relationship with someone else (rebound or not) and compare the new person to the previous one. This is how they can realize that their previous relationship was much better than the relationship they got into after and that they need to go back to their ex before it’s too late.
This article will explain what dumpers go through during the 6 stages of a rebound relationship for the dumper. We’ll clarify how dumpers’ thoughts and feelings change over time – when things don’t go smoothly for them.
1)Infatuation
At the end of a long-term relationship, dumpers feel and appear extremely empowered.
They feel as if they’ve just gotten out of the worst prison on Earth and must now make use of their time and excitement. One way for them to do that is to look for new activities and people to share their energy and relief with.
After some searching and digging, they eventually find someone who either resembles their dumpee or actually has nothing in common with him or her. In their minds, they don’t care who the next person is. They just want to move on from their previous relationship as quickly as they possibly can.
They don’t wish to be reminded of their ex and think about their ex when they’re finally free of their ex. That’s why they often get romantically and/or sexually involved with the first person who shows interest in them.
By doing so, they distract themselves from the end of their long-term relationship and once again experience the limerence phase of a new relationship.
In this phase, dumpers feel alive again and project their elation onto their new dating candidate. They want to show the new person they’re fun and easy to connect with. So they do just that. They focus on things that portray them in good light and don’t worry too much about the future.
They can deal with difficult topics and problems when they get to them.
One of the most important things dumpers initially don’t understand though is that their infatuation is just infatuation. It’s not love because their feelings are increased from the end of their previous relationship and the excitement created by mutual attraction.
We can say that dumpers feel in love. But real love doesn’t occur until months later when they get to know their new partner and learn how their new partner responds to difficulties.
As a result of relief and optimism for the new romantic opportunity, dumpers feel good to be around their partner. They feel excited to give and receive love, so they think their new partner will always make them feel good and be so flawless.
Little do they know that their partner will be flawless only for as long as they’re in the early stages of a rebound relationship and too emotional to care about their partner’s shortcomings.
When they get used to their partner and stop feeling elated, they and their partner will show their true colors and appear much different. They’ll reveal what they’re like as people and how ready they are to maintain a serious romantic relationship.
But until then, the dumper will appear to be having the time of his or her life, obsess over the new romantic partner, and fantasize about an unrealistic future with him or her.
2)Honeymoon
The honeymoon stage is often described as the blind stage. Couples in this stage are so blinded by love they only see the best in each other. They don’t think about each other’s flaws because they feel too good to be bothered by such “trivial” matters.
They just focus on enjoying each other’s company and on getting closer to each other. An emotional bond, physical attraction, and sex compel them to keep seeing each other and getting the most out of the relationship.
The easiest way to notice that a person is in the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship for the dumper is to look at the dumper’s body language and demeanor. If the dumper posts a lot of in-love pictures on social media, professes love often, and spends a lot of time with the new person, the dumper feels excited to be in love and wants to continue experiencing love.
Love makes the dumper feel wanted and releases happy hormones in the dumper’s brain.
The reason why the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship is so easy to spot is that couples move through the relationship stages very quickly. They meet each other’s family, move in together, get engaged, and act as if they’ve known each other for years.
They make important decisions before they even get to know each other and see what their relationship is going to be like when things get serious and difficult.
Romantic relationships take many months to naturally progress into trusting relationships, yet, rebounds seem to do it much quicker. This is because rebound couples listen to their hearts and make emotional decisions. They don’t think things through logically because logical thinking could slow down their pace and force them to experience less happiness.
You need to understand that couples going through a rebound relationship don’t take the time to build trust, respect, love, acceptance, kindness, gratitude, and genuine care for each other. They leave these important things for later and by doing so, risk falling out of love when they get through the honeymoon stage and realize they have a lot of things to talk about and figure out.
In the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship, couples promise each other the world. They do this because they feel in love and can’t imagine being without each other. It’s only until a couple of months later that infatuation wanes and reality seeps in.
3)Reality and conflicts
At the end of the honeymoon stage comes the reality and conflicts stage of a rebound relationship. In this stage, couples’ love hormones wear off and force them to see things more rationally. They still feel attracted to each other, of course, but they’re finally able to notice each other’s imperfections.
They see that their partner is just a human being with flaws and that they can now experience negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and pain.
This makes them react to those emotions and test each other’s patience and relationship skills. Suddenly, the relationship is no longer all sunshine and rainbows. It’s become a lot more serious and realistic (the way the relationship is going to look like soon).
In the reality and conflicts stage, couples get a preview of some of their relationship issues and set some rules and standards for dealing with conflicts.
Since people are creatures of habit, they show how developed they are and act how they acted in their previous relationships. This means that if the dumper monkey-branched from one relationship to the next and refused to change anything about him or her, the dumper is going to repeat the same mistakes from the previous relationship.
The relationship won’t be any different/better than the previous one because behavioral patterns take a lot of time to change. Not only do they take time, but they take immense willpower and commitment.
So if the dumper is in the reality and conflict stage of a rebound relationship and he or she refused to grow within, know that the dumper will soon start encountering the same or similar problems as before. The dumper probably won’t even know that he or she has issues to work on because the dumper will still blame the dumpee for the end of the previous relationship.
The dumper will remain ignorant until he or she sees that the new relationship has the same problems and that he or she may be responsible for them.
4)Nostalgia and comparisons
When rebound relationships start experiencing difficulties, dumpers often think back and ponder on the relationship they had with their ex. They remember that they didn’t argue as much as they do now and that they may even have felt more understood and respected.
Due to unhappiness and nostalgia, they then compare the two relationships and sometimes even start wondering if they’d made the right decision.
Generally speaking, the more issues dumpers face, the more strain they put on the relationship. If they don’t find ways to cope with issues and resolve them quickly, nostalgia can make them doubt their new relationship and destroy love in the relationship
This is because doubts affect dumpers’ feelings and tire them out. They make them remember their ex’s good traits and behaviors and create cravings for the past. Cravings that are difficult to resist when their new relationship is falling apart.
In the nostalgia stage of a rebound relationship, every time there’s a difficult argument, dumpers reminisce about the past and detach from the present a bit. They feel repelled by their new partner and feel pulled toward their ex. This is what causes them to reach out and see if their ex is still available.
If their ex appears strong and independent, dumpees then feel even more attracted to the dumpee. That’s because they see that their ex respects himself or herself and that their ex can help them cope with the failure of their new relationship.
If their ex appears too soft and welcoming, however, dumpers usually don’t like that very much. They don’t feel the need to run back to their ex because their ex can’t give them the kind of relationship they’re looking for. Normally, they’re looking for a relationship in which the dumpee knows his or her worth and won’t chase after a person who has abandoned him or her.
5)Regret and disappointment
The fifth stage of a rebound for the dumper is the regret and disappointment stage. This stage occurs when dumpers realize their new rebound relationship most likely isn’t going to work out. Dumpers basically see that the new relationship is unhealthy or imbalanced and that relationship dynamics likely won’t improve over time.
Depending on how much fight dumpers have left in them, they might keep fighting and resisting the inevitable for a while longer. Some dumpers do that because they still feel a bit attached to their new partner.
They want to make sure that the relationship they branched into really is hopeless and that they won’t regret abandoning it months or years later. While they’re reevaluating their love for the new person, some dumpers then secretly start looking for backup plans. They want to make sure they have a safe cushion to land on before they leave their new partner.
And they do that by contacting their dumpee and trying to establish a connection with him or her. If they establish a connection and/or they see that their ex is doing fine without them, that’s normally enough for them to pursue a relationship with the dumpee.
Dumpers know that a relationship with their dumpee will be better than a relationship with the new person. This is especially true if the new person is controlling, jealous, and manipulative because dumpers want to be in a better relationship, not in a relationship that drains their energy and makes them feel powerless.
The dumper in this stage will often reach out to other exes and see what those exes think and feel about them. By doing so, the dumper can find a person to branch to and immediately move on to the next person when his or her new relationship ends.
Monkey-branching allows the dumper to once again chase external happiness and ignore the need to reflect and improve.
6)Reconnection or abandonment
The dumper gets to the last stage of a rebound relationship when he or she sees that the new relationship isn’t making him or her happy. That’s when the dumper finally has a choice to make.
The dumper can:
- Abandon the rebound relationship and take some time to himself or herself.
- Abandon the rebound relationship and (as before), pursue a relationship with someone else.
- Or abandon the rebound relationship and try to get back with the ex-partner.
The more hurt the dumper is, the higher the chances that he or she will contact the person he or she recently left and give that relationship another chance.
If you’re a dumpee and your ex wants to come back after a rebound relationship, you should think twice before you give this person permission to enter your life again. You should make sure your ex has learned his or her lessons and done at least some internal work otherwise your ex could come back just to heal and leave once he or she has healed.
Always remember that your ex has left you once and that your ex could come back and leave again.
Did you enjoy reading the article about the 6 stages of a rebound relationship for the dumper? Are you currently in a rebound relationship or do you know someone who is? Comment below the article.
And if you want to talk about rebound relationship stages with us, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan ,
First of all I would like to thank you for your work. I don’t know how I’ve come across your blog, but it’s been a life saver for me, and you are spot on… on everything. I think you are a wonderful person as well.
I only wish I’d read this stuff earlier, before making some post breakup mistakes. Your articles are helping me tremendously to get more clarity on this situation. I’ve been in NC for 2 weeks now and there are some really bad days in between. When in doubt, I re-read some of your articles.
Thank you again.
Hi Sly.
Thanks for reading the blog. It’s okay if you came across the blog a bit late. What matters is that you’ve learned a thing or two about breakups and relationships and that you know how to handle them better in the future.
Stay strong!
Zan
Me and my partner of two year split up last October, within a few weeks she ended up getting with one of her colleagues. We haven’t been together now since then so almost 4/5 months , however my ex still initiates contact and reaches out to me. Whenever I tell her that she should remember that she’s moved on and has a new girlfriend now she tries to tell me I don’t know the full story and acts like there’s something she’s not telling me. Do you think she could be in denial about her new relationship and that there’s still a part of her that wants me back?
Hi Alicia.
I think she wants to stay in contact. If she doesn’t stop talking to you, politely ask her to stop reaching out – that you’ll contact her when you’re ready.
Best,
Zan
Hi there so my partner and I split about 6 weeks ago as I found out she had cheated on me with a guy I used to work with. Now we have both been through alot together as we had a lot of problems over those 3 years but we made it work because we both loved each other. She also has 2 kids from her previous relationship of which I have always treated them like my own and put in the effort to help her raise them. Now I was hoping we would have reconnected and find out where we went wrong and fix it so the last 3 years wouldnt have been wasted but she is now in a relationship (rebound) with that guy who I dont understand what she sees in him. He is 10 years older than both of us (36, were both 26) he has 5 children with 3 different woman (ranging between 17 – 2). He is currently getting divorced from his wife who is the mother of his youngest three. Now I know he will never put her or her children first as his own children will be his no.1 priority, whereas me because I have no history I can 100% commit myself to her and her kids (As I had done over the last 3 years). Now I know they are still on stage 2 of the rebound currently however she told me some news recently (which effects me) of which he isnt going to be around much over the next few days (of writing this) because of work and also because he has children aswell, so I dont no whether she is starting to realise it may not work. My other issue I have been seeing someone from my place of work who I like but she has come out of a long term relationship aswell and isn’t seeking to date anyone until at least next year and I am trying see whether to take her out a few more times as friends and see whether there is more potential out of that. So I am currently torn between 2 woman, one I love and one that I really like and I know for a fact my ex is very likely to come back to me as I have been doing no contact with her and keeping my distance as I would rather let her rebound breakdown without my influence.
Stay away from both.
Heal yourself first.
You’ll know you’re ready to start a new relationship when you can accept your ex’s behavior like that’s how she is and it has nothing to do with You.
Apply Zero contact with her, if You could love someone si selfish imagen how mucho you’ll love someone sane.
I really believe life introduces us people yo learn something and this girl You Say that You really like is teaching You clearly what yo do “wait at least a year”.
I’m about to make a year without My ex who cheated on me and left our kids and me for other woman and I’m proud and happy of myself of how much I connected and learned this year.
Everything happened but anything Will do it if You don’t do something.
Full your day with activities, chance your lookstyle, stop using social media for a while and you’ll ser how fast everything hora better.
Sorry for My English, I’m from México but I couldn’t resist yo answer. I hope this could help You!
Your ex left you for a reason. She was looking for someone of higher value in her opinion. You are not a new car test drive and she should not just walk in and out of your life. You say she is 26 and has two children from a previous relationship. She was unable to make the relationship work with the father of her children and it didn’t work with you. Now she is with someone else and when that doesn’t work out she may return to you because she is secure and safe with you but that doesn’t make her happy enough to stay with you for the long haul. Her track record is poor with relationships and you are the safety net. You deserve to find your own happiness and someone who wants to be with you not someone who uses you as a safety net and part time dad to her children. Keep your dignity and walk away. It will hurt but you will be much happier in the end.
we were together for more then one year and we had crazy love! it was so strong it felt like first time falling in love.
I am 28 and he 35. we talked about sharing future together. in the end we had some problems. but I wanted to work on that and take the relationship to the next stage and live together. but he broke up with me and told me he dont love me the same anymore.
I stopped talking to him and try to moving on.
after one month I felt like I was better and start talk to him and we met two times and had sex.
after he started to become cold. so I asked him if he date someone, and he said yes. I blocked him immediately and never talked to him.
after one month, when I still try to recover my broken heart I heard he propose to his new girlfriend.
I continue focusing on becoming better person, I worked hard to make my dream come true and be happy and love myself.
after six month my friend told me that he broke up from his fiancee. I kept the block in my watsupp for two weeks and then take it down.
I heard that he also get fired and he needed to give his apartment back cuz its belong to his job
I was sure he gonna contact me cuz so many hard stuff happen to him (his fiancee had mental issues, she also had a kid with autism)
but he didnt contact me.
I am surprised from that cuz everything in this article happened to him
My lady of the last 9.5 years just recently broke up with me and it seemed to be out of nowhere. To be fair this relationship was predominantly long distance, but that distance thankfully was scheduled to be closed this year. I had always traveled to her multiple times a year, gave into whatever she wanted as to not cause her any stress.. basically anything she wanted I would do.. to me we were both happy and in love. She suddenly just went cold and left me saying there’s someone else and they make her happy.. I always thought I knew her schedule and habits so it hurt that there could even be another person.. she seemed to be ok with the breakup while I on the other hand have been in shambles. Part of me doesn’t think there’s another guy, but then I start thinking of how she really chose someone over me and I get depressed. I never chose anything or anyone over her.. not even myself.. I hope and pray she gets through this phase and returns to me.. she’s blocked me virtually everywhere at this point. I’m not sure what to do.. I’ve already tried some counseling.
I am going thru the same thing, he moved in quickly with her and in 6 months says their married, i cant find marriage license, but shes on facebook everyday about how amazing my ex is to her, and shes buying him everything underthe sun. It hasn’t been quite a year yet and she has spent close to 55 000 dollars on just stuff for him
Hi,
Me and my ex were best friends and we were together for 7 years. Things fell apart, I was not getting the attention I needed to. That was when this guy came into my life. Just as mentioned in the article, he was exactly the opposite of my ex. He used to spend time with me, we used to talk on phone all night. And one day, I decided to end my relationship with my ex.
The break up was bad. My ex couldn’t accept it, it took some days before he could finally get hold of things. Meanwhile I was in the rebound relationship, enjoying life to the fullest.
It has been 2 years since then, and I am surprised how each and every stage has been explained so accurately in this article.
I am in the last stage currently. I am afraid to hurt my ex again. I am afraid to hurt my current boyfriend, afraid to go through the guilt of ditching again.
Not knowing what to do, I sometimes think I need to go away from both of the guys.
Hi guilty Dumper, plz Excuse my English.
What do you mean you scared to hurt your ex again, are u guys still talking, does he wants you back? Or are u planning to go back to him and what would be your reasons for going back to him, Do u have any kids with him?
And Lastly, what would be the reasons for ditching your current boyfriend, don’t you have feelings for him anymore or is he treating you bad or have you found a new Branch 🌿?
Yaa I think you know how selfish you are in this . All the dumpee’s just understand how your ex’s are v similar. I really think your ex deserves someone better than you . Hopefully you understand that .or else atleast now learn to be loyal and get back to your ex ,lead a good life .all the best
This website and articles have been truely helpful. Better than all that ‘get your ex back’ crap, which ive just come to realise are nothing short of junk abd ‘love coaches’ preying on weak and vunerable people, telling them that any situation is reversable, you can always get your ex back. Its just not like that in real life, otherwise no-one would ever find a new partner!!
these articles are true and ealistic and i find them very helpful as im currently a dumpee and trying to come to terms with the adjustments in my life after a 4.5 year relationship ended.
we cut contact in begng of Feb and by mid march shes with someoen else and ‘very happy’. obviously that hurts but this article has helped me take stregth and reliase i will stay practice indefinite no-contact. if she misses me, i might talk to her. if she doesnt, that will be her loss, because i know she’ll be doing well if she finds someone two steps below me!!
Great articles. Thanks.
Hello!
(First… I’m sorry for my bad english.. it’s not my first language)
So, I’ll be as shortly as possible.
I started to date him 10 years ago. In 2010 – we were both 17yo.
And he broke up with me after almost 2 years of relationship.. he was kinda cold and focusing on going out with his friends..
But we came back togheter a year and a half later… 2014.
So we were togheter since that… but last year, things were cold again.. it was our fault.. we were not having much intimacy time.. I didnt realize he was getting that cold.. I tought It was a phase.
And In december I realized he was a bit strange.. and we talked and he told me he loved me, but not in a romantic way anymore for some time.. And didnt even gave me a chance to try.. I was devastaded.. It was like a wake up for me..
Ok.. So I was trying to heal me.. but I love him and was really having plans for us in the future.
3 Weeks after we break up – he had a date with a girl.. And they’re seeing each other for over a month now.
She’s very compatible with him – likes to go out late night and stuff.. (we do have a large amount of mutual friends, so I get information sometimes). They’re taking things fast… But I’m not sure it’s a rebound.
He’s easygoing and apparently she wants to settle with someone (my ex in case)
I’m at No Contact since I found he was on a date with this new girl.. and I’m taking care of myself and stuff.. But I’m a bit sad becaause I don’t feel like this is a rebound… It seems like a better girl for him than me.
Is there anything I could do to remember him to miss me and to kinda look me in a romantic way again?
I’m afraind that if I do nothing she will get him for good.
Hi There,
I and my boyfriend were in a relationship for 1.5 years. Six months back he moved to a different state for his new job and we started having issues and fights probably due to long distance. We stopped communicating often and he assumed that we broke up. However there was no official break up and we were still texting each other occasionally. And then after 3 months I found that he is dating another girl and I badly fought with him for that. He said he thought we broke up already. Also he never admitted that he is dating any other girl but told me that he doesn’t want to be with me. I tried a lot to convince him that we can fix our problems if he is not dating anyone else but he doesn’t want to. So after trying for couple of days, I gave up and stop contacting him.
Two weeks later he called me and said he is just checking on me but he doesn’t want to be together. I thought it might be a one time thing but he called back after a week and said the same thing.
His calls are not letting me move on. I feel one step forward and two steps backwards whenever he calls or texts.
Though he has never admitted that he is dating another girl yet I’m quite certain that he is with someone else. He is posting pictures and partying almost every day.
I’m finding it very hard to move on as I don’t know why he is lying to me. If he wants to hide it from me he can just stop contacting me but he is doing that also.
I have asked him to meet me once. I want to ask him for a no contact period. I’m not sure if he gonna follow that but even I’m not sure if I want to do that as I still miss him.
What do you think my chances are here to get him back? We were very happy in our relationship before he moved out. Despite all the fights we always had, I never even once thought that there would be a third person between us ever from my side or his side. I was never prepared for this ending. I feel very weak and low all the time. It’s been two months now and nothing has changed from my side which could be because of his occasional calls and messages.
Regards,
Ria
Hi Ria, I came across with your post and found out your story is so much similar to mine : long distance, lies, rebound, NC and difficult times …just curious to know how are you after 2 years. Reading some of these story make me feel like binging on Netflix 😉
Btw ,I hope you recovered and doing great now.
Hey guys,
So in my scenario I’m the dumper who is now cofused about her rebound.
I had a pretty intense relationship that I after long consideration ended. Really quickely I started something with a guy I was already friends with for years (but lost contact with). I know that he had always had a thing for me so he’s super excited.
The first weeks I felt so happy with the new guy that I honestly barely missed my ex. I did realize it was a rebound though.
Yesterday I met my ex again for the first time in a month to finally talk some last things out. I really wanted to see him because I all of a sudden got super nostalgic. The love spell with the rebound kinda wore of. I got a bit bored. Sadly he did tell me he loves me, which is obviously dramatic and probably not even true. Anyways when I saw my ex again it felt so right and we slept together too. Not the smartest move.
I’m now super confused. What is the right thing is do here? I can’t get back with my ex only to let him down again soon after. And I would also like to stay on speaking therms with my former friend/current friend with benefits. If anyone has any tips please do tell. And if you’re going to something similar, hope you’re doing well.
Btw english is my third language so please don’t judge my spelling.
xx a messy girl
my gf did same and she started dating her friend LDR, I dont know she come back or not😢
I’m in the exact situation. My gf dumped me on April last week and got into a rebound with her friend, who has admitted on multiple times that he has feelings for her, even when he knew we were together.
But it kinda seems to be LDR at the moment for them (bcos she is with her parents) bcos of this covid situation, although I cannot be certain.
Does this rebound as LDR wear off sooner than later. Because sometimes, I feel they might hold on to each other until lockdown (we are expecting atleast another 4 months in our place) gets over, to feel the real effect.
Man, I do overthink too much lately.
Hello I want to ask if there is a timeframe of these stages. My boyfriend of 5 years dumped me for someone he just met. We had some problems but I was fully committed to our relationship. He just decided to walk away with that new person he seems to be crazy about right now. Are we talking this honeymoon will last months? Years? I still don’t know if I want him back but my ego is suffering badly. Thanks
Hi Juan.
Unfortunately, there is no time frame. It takes some people months and years. I suggest you work on rebuilding your self-esteem.
Kind regards,
Zan
I hope you’re doing well. Hold on girl
My ex of 26 years bailed in late April, met a woman online in the Philippines a week later, and moved over there to be with her in August, giving away EVERYTHING he took with him when he left here. His van, his guitars, thousands of dollars worth of tools, his hobby stuff. All he took were two suitcases and the money I forked over to buy him out of his half of our home.
I can’t say for sure that he has rebound regret, but I will say that he chose OPPOSITE of me, and though he hated me and resented me and blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life, he cannot deny that I was into the same things he was. We did dirt biking, demolition derbies, we drove across the country in a semi. I like outdoor stuff – hiking, biking, camping. This new woman he has is into fashion and doing her nails. She’s also very Catholic, and she likes malls.
He is in a country literally halfway around the world and back when he still had his social media account, she would post pictures of them together. It was odd. He cut off ALL his hair (he had long hair for his entire life). He called his life here with me a prison, and now lives where he has to take his shoes off to go inside (a thing he hates), and he’s living with her and her mother in her (the girlfriend’s) husband’s house. Because getting a divorce in the Philippines isn’t easy.
I’m not sure that he regrets his rebound, and I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t regret leaving me. I WISH he did because I’d like him to feel crappy about that. I think that’s only human of me. But he had vilified me to the point that I literally could do nothing right. He hated that I like my job, hated that I enjoy running marathons, hated that I am having fun with my friends, hated that I left dishes in the sink while I was at work and he was home all day doing nothing (he’s on disability). In fact, he waited until he started getting disability checks before he left.
So if he regrets his rebound, he probably regrets it from the standpoint that she’s not perfect either, and I’m sure that’s all her fault and he is blaming her. OR, he is not regretting it at all. The last thing anybody knew of him, he had deactivated his FB account, joined hers (awwww, cute!), and she was”accidentally” taunting him with alcohol (he has 29 years sober and she bought him a Jack Daniels themed cake for his birthday).
What’s to regret!
Thanks for your blog, btw. I just discovered it and find it refreshingly straightforward.
Kym
Wow Kym,
Honestly to me it sounds like he’s having a major midlife crisis. He probably likes her because she is more submissive and caring in a way that selfsuffient western women often aren’t. It probably won’t last, and if it does he’s obviously not craving what you have to offer. That makes him stupid though not you. This situation is of course really painfull. But I think you should just be relieved that a man that is a ticking time bomb like that is out of your life. I hope you get truely happy and healthy soon. And screw that dude 🙂
Love Anne
My ex is in a rebound relationship, after 2.5 years being together, even getting very intimate, she dumped me to hook up 2 days later with a guy from another country that she knows for less than 2 months, while i was working she kept talking to him, sharing our problems with him, opening up to him, showing him that she is vulnerable and he took advantage of that. It was a bad breakup, she wouldn’t answer any of my texts, after about 3 days i asked her how she is doing and that she should not answer if she never loved me, and she did answer, she kept replying to my messages and after a few minutes she called me, she told me that this new guy is the exact opposite of me, but 2 days before that she told me that he reminder her of me in the beginning of our relationship, i asked her like a joke “why, he’s not saying good night like i did every night?” she answered: “no, he is, too many times” and that he stays up too late, i don’t think she’ll wake up with a “good morning” message every morning from now on, while talking to her could hear her typing to her ex and saying something like “oh good, you are answering after 1 hour” sounding angry already, because i used to answer to her pretty fast.
Best article about rebound relationship I’ve ever read! I feel cure when read it, thank you!!!
.
Hiya. Really love this post as I feel it is really accurate to the situation of rebound relationships. Do you have an email for me to contact you for advice about a personal situation I have?
My ex and I were together for 4 months. It was 4 months of intense bliss. We could read each other very well. No fights, and hung out everyday. She even moved in and always said it was “the healthiest and best relationship that she ever had.” Her previous boyfriend was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, much like her dad. The guy killed her cats, got her involved with meth, and got her a felony – basically ruining her life. He was sent to prison and that’s pretty much why they weren’t together anymore.
So here we are, living life together. He gets out and she tells him to leave her alone, that she loves me and it’s over. Shortly after, he gets out of his halfway house and she’s gone. She goes right back to him. She comes back a week later, apologizing and promises to never do it again. That he hadn’t changed and she just needed closure with it and blocks him. Another week and she left again for him. The whole time after saying part of her regrets it and that she really doesn’t kniw what she wants. She impulsively just destroyed us, twice. No thought was put into it. Her family refuses to talk to her.
My questions are: Do you consider this a rebound? I doubt I’d take her back without some sort of intensive therapy involved, and proving that she’s a changed person, but do you think she’ll try and reach out? I figure she will, when he’s depleted her emotionally like a vampire and she needs a refill. We had a blast together, and I’m a much better person than this guy, in basically every department, and treated her insanely well. I make great money, have my own house, and I am a very caring, loving person. Leaps amd bounds better than this guy. I’m just not sure if she can get over this addiction to his pain, and I think she associates pain with love, because of her father. I’ve let her go and do her thing, but part of me wants that validation that she actually thought about it and made a huge mistake letting me get away. I’m a catch, and it’s her loss.
Hi There
I dated a man and fell pregnant. He cheated numerious times and i walked out with the child. Some time later I met my current ex ( 2 weeks since break up) we were together for two years but the two years was difficult as i was in a heavy custody battle with my childs father ( my girls name is also Ava x) the battle consumed and ruled our lives almost every fay as my childs father went out to destroy my emotional state. My current ex raised my daughter from 6 months old she is turning 3 now. However 4 months ago he walked out saying he cant handle the stress anymore. He suffers from depression and has his own obstacles. However we then moved out of his house and moved into another unit ( we stay in dame complex due to the court case i did not want to disrupt my childs surroundings) however in the last 1.5 months my custody battle got to the final stage which was hectic.. he was also drswn into it with assesments theough court and his ex ( been married 3 times) told him she is now taking his son out of the country which he is not protesting. However i feel this was all too much. He walked out again 2 weeks ago. Less than a week later i heard there was another girl there. Last week friday i went over to tske his stuff and we talked and all seemed ok and we made love and spend the day together) the next day it was over again.. he did not vome back home saturday night and i think there is soneone else. I think he saw a silver lining in the first woman that made him feel free. Yet he told me he hoped all this things between us will be sorted in the future. That he might be blind but he cant deal with my ex and the court case. Which id coming to an end in a month. We didnt fight. We were best friends and like a little family. We had allot of stress yet we always respected each other. He adked for space and that we will talk in new year he wants to focus on his son and things but i know there is also this girl ( maybe met her at gym before the break up). In this case where he already left before due to this situation will or could he come back when he sees my life is in order and my ‘ baggage’ is gone. We do love each other, but i feel he felt trapped and is now going out and doing things he didnt usually do. Will NC rule work? Do i tell him i know about her? We live 80 m aeay from each other. But i have no contact now as i already removed myself in that way. Please can u give advice. We did not break up because of fighting or cheating or not caring and loving… all just got too much and he fors not believe that in a month the court case will be over and live normal. Yet we said we will talk about us in new year? How do i do this? Please help.. please
Dear, Dear Maggie, Thank you for sharing your story and no doubt Zan will have some wisdom for you.
As an older person who has experienced the stress/heartache of divorce, cheating partner/s, solo parenting, and post-divorce relationship issues/years of loneliness, I extend my deepest and sincere Compassion.
(Sympathy is nice, and surely I feel for you in terms of raw suffering. But in my mind Compassion is the higher sentiment and assumes more Respect and power imbued in You, and your ability to get through this, and make things come out all right).
I congratulate you on having the maturity and perspective to see that the complexities in both of your individual lives (mostly yours – inevitably/not your fault. it’s just LIFE) has indeed impacted your ability to have a peaceful and happy relationship.
Isn’t it funny how it is more common for younger/child-free people to describe their relationship status as “It’s complicated,” when in fact, once there are children in the mix, that’s when things TRULY become complicated?
You have a child. There is a non-custodial parent in the mix. There will always be “baggage,” it’s just a matter of being able to carry it, or alternate moments of high need with moments of stability when possible. Any man who partners with you Must have that understanding.
Just because you are a parent, it should not meant that you don’t deserve your own love relationship, a caring and reliable partner. If anything, you are so burdened with responsibility that withOUT a loving relationship, you can get to feel like an old mule, just working at your job and going home to domestic servitude to the kid.
A relationship can be hard to fit in, but reminds you that you are still a viable woman, in all ways!
But it is also true that your primary responsibility is to your beautiful child (great name ; )) and that your personal relationship must come second to that.
In my experience, it is often difficult for a primary caregiver such as yourself to have a relationship with a non-custodial parent. Unless he is especially wise and understanding, the man gets frustrated at the large portion of your life and energy that must be devoted to your child. It sounds like he was okay dealing with it, and you describe a sweet family situation — when things were going as smoothly as possible.
If your situation involves greater complications (legal matters with the Ex who shares the child, financial stress, a sick child, etc) it is all the more of a challenge to the person you are trying to partner with. That is natural, if a bit Lame on his part.
So, of course the gal at the gym with no/fewer complications in her life is going to look better and better. And of course this is utterly unfair. But likely.
Should you have confronted him on it? Since you seem to have had such open lines of communication, it would have been reasonable to mention. After all, if it is not true then he could deny/refute it. But if it is true, he would have to face the reality that he is both abandoning you AND directing his affection elsewhere at a time when you are in pain and having to seek solace on your own.
Should you revisit the relationship in a year?
Three times in the past decade I have been dumped by men for various “reasons,” all of which hinged around my life being more difficult/complicated than theirs and their tolerance waning because of it. In all 3 cases, they eventually circled back to me (sometimes years after the fact) and I surprised myself by not being interested in a reunion (and not always because I was with a new man, though recently that was the case).
At the time he leaves you, all you yearn for is the happy reunion.
But as the months and years pass and you manage on your own while he is enjoying new companionship and sex, you may begin to wonder if/why you should let him skate back into your life when you’ve done all the hard part without him?!?
So, what’s the Endgame here? Can you picture it?
When you have things better sorted in your life (which, by the way, will always have its ups and downs), you welcome him back with open arms — after he has enjoyed an escape from your stressful situation and not had to give up the pleasure of a female partner?
And do we assume that the gal from the gym will also amicably move on and jump onto another piece of equipment, er, man, when your guy sees that you are doing better so it’s time to come back?
Maggie, I would ask you to sit down with yourself and be your best friend right now.
This man, as several have done with me, fell for you and enjoys you. He admires certain things about you, but he is Weak and unreliable.
I know: Your situation would test the strength of any man. I have been in similar straits. Losing a home, being buried in scheduling conflicts and medical bills when my child became seriously ill, all manner of life stressors.
And in every case — the most recent being far and away the most heart-breaking — the man in my life backed away and bailed out on me. It didn’t matter that I took full responsibility for my situation and, while welcoming his help/moral support, I made NO demands on him to “rescue” me.
If his situation were like yours, would you too have asked to take a break from the relationship?
I am guessing you would do the opposite, you would perhaps be more likely to RE-assure him that you are there for him.
So why is it okay for you to get second-class treatment?
There is no shortage of unreliable/fair weather people.
Do you really want to reward him with your partnership after he abandons you during times of difficulty?
I am not suggesting that you take a punishing attitude toward him, only that you take a CARING attitude toward Yourself.
You deserve Whole-assed Love. Start by giving that to yourself and let the rest of your actions fall into place accordingly.
When you work from that basis , the rest becomes far less confusing. Believe me, I have had to re-learn that lesson once or twice.. We are only human.
So many mothers surrender to the dynamic of personal sacrifice, it becomes second nature in our love relationships too. But it’s not a healthy dynamic, and tends to deteriorate those partnerships.
He may come around. And you may be able to work things out. But that’s a year down the road, at least, right? (don’t be surprised if it’s sooner than that)
But, if you have any chance at all to be happy with him, it is not to get “back” together but to go Forward together. Does that make sense?
You will not be the same person he left. You will be stronger and you will have higher standards for what you will accept in a relationship. He does not get to cherry pick the benefits of partnership but excuse himself from the less fun parts of being with a single mom.
It would seem inadvisable to break NC with a message that you know he is with another woman. But, should you incidentally hear from him, I see no reason not to mention it.
He is selfishly choosing to have an easier life while You — the woman he supposedly loves –handles her struggles without a loving partner in her life.
Is that a good foundation for a future life partner?
John Gray says that men need to feel respected and Trusted. Are his actions inspiring those feelings in you?
He further says that women need to feel adored. Are you feeling adored right now?
As usual I have rambled on and on. But , I sincerely hope that some part of this was valuable and comforting to you. Enjoy your baby and enjoy your life. You Deserve True Love!
Zan, thank you for your incredible work. It is compassionate, positive and remarkably insightful.
I originally was drawn to your website seeking solace after being dumped by what I believed to be a longterm relationship.
However, today I have a sinking feeling that my Ex most likely is back with his Ex-wife, and that it’s I who was the Rebound!
I can’t confirm this. He is inactive on social media, I will not go searching his family’s posts in order to find out, and our paths generally do not cross in day-to-day life.
And, in the end it doesn’t matter, really.
But, the way you have of describing how a Dumper acts during a rebound. Well..
He kind of fits that description — uncannily!!
So, much as I am now kind of More horrified at my error of thinking this was a partnership that would last the rest of my life, (wow..)
I just had to comment in order to congratulate you on your almost psychic insight on peoples’ behavior.
Realizing that I have a tendency to overshare, I will leave it at that this time!
Thank you Thank you, you are awesome and can’t wait to see what you post next.
Sincerely,
Ava
Hi Ava.
Thank you for your kind words.
I strongly suggest that you don’t risk checking up on your ex as there’s nothing “nice” for you to find there.
If you find what you don’t want, you will get hurt again and crave his attention as a result.
So stay in NC and beat your ex-addiction the cold turkey way.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan and thank you for replying.
Yes, of course, I am maintaining NC. I know how to do this.
It’s just that this relationship set me back, severely, and in the early weeks I shocked myself with post break up mistakes that I dont generally make after being dumped.
Only it was such a deep and true love (on my part only, apparently)..
Always grateful for your insight and communication, I am nevertheless sickened that what I thought was Finally the love of a lifetime (in my 50’s, and having suffered thru my share of heartache…)
was likely nothing more than him using me to make his Ex-wife want him more.
oh well. life goes on..
Thanks always, sincerely.
Hi Ava.
As you know, there’s no “one and only.” So it’s only a matter of time before you find another person and try again. You just have to be willing to love again.
Stay strong!
Zan
Thanks so much. You could not be more right Zan, and this website truly is a lifesaver.
May all of your generous encouragement come back to you tenfold in love and happiness.
Sincerely,
Ava
Hi Ava.
I’m very happy with the positive feedback I receive and the people in my life. Thank you for your kind words.
Now it’s your turn to reap your reward.
Best,
Zan
What if the rebound was a long term friends with the ex? The ex did not leave me for the friend because I initiated the break up (ex did not do anything to stop it). Then after ex moved out got into the relationship with the friend and progressed really fast. Do these stages still apply if the ex rebounded with a long term friend?
Hi Rafael.
It really depends on how well they get along. If they take the relationship slowly and establish a good foundation, then no, the stages won’t apply.
However, if they rush the relationship and start arguing very quickly, then it could fail quickly.
Best,
Zan
How long do these stages last, generally? We broke up and she started dating some guy about 10 weeks later who she seems crazy about. But they’ve been together almost a year now. I made a lot of the post break-up mistakes when we broke up, and again when I found out they were in a relationship. I haven’t reached out to contact her since the beginning of July (except to tell her happy birthday a couple weeks ago, because she had wished me happy birthday a few weeks before that). She has tried to contact me four or five times since the beginning of July, and I just keep the conversation short. She invited me over to her place in June and we ended up sleeping together. She was cold to me after that, so that’s why I stopped contacting her in July. To the best of my knowledge, she is still with her new guy and still spends a lot of time with him. What do you make of this situation? Please help!
This is exactly what happened to us. He went back to his ex right after. I was the rebound. Apparently im 5 months pregnant. He went back to his ex and they reconciled. Do you think me as a the rebound still stand a chance to get him back?
Mariah, I am reading your comment long after it was posted and I hope you don’t mind my asking how you are? Do you have a baby now? I don’t mean to be intrusive only concerned and hoping that things took a turn for the Better, for you! Sincerely, Ava
Hi, I just want to say thank you so much for your posts, they really do hit home run.
I have a rather sort of unique situation as my LTR ex and I both left things amicably. We both shared a home together but eventually my ex moved out and left me for someone else shortly after. They started dating recently and already moved in together. They’re supposed to be in their “honey moon” stage, however, they argue a lot and you can clearly see their incompatibility at this point in time. We both still talk to each other from time to time (not everyday) and i’m always hearing about their issues, most of their issues aren’t stuff we would have argued about, so this is something completely new for my ex. There are times I do get depressed as I feel alone and miss my ex a lot, but I have to be strong and let my ex experience the new rebound relationship exactly for what it is, a rebound. For this reason, I don’t chime in and certainly haven’t made the mistakes others do after a break up. I’m already expecting to get a call letting me know that it’s over between both of them, but until then, I have to be strong and continue to grow myself as a person. If we ever do get back together again, at least I learned from our past and certainly learning more as to what my ex dislikes about the current relationship.
I know how you feel I was with my partner for 15 years we have a home and a child then one day he said he was unhappy and blamed me for everything and walked out I then Find out 2 weeks after we split he was with someone else and living with her she is opposite of me she likes partying taking drugs and drinking so does my ex I’m not like that however last week they split due to arguments and he was talking to me again when watching our son they reconciled 5 days later and now when I reach out about arrangements for our son he just ignores me that’s how I knew they were back together Is this a rebound? He doesn’t really bother with our son when he does it’s for an hour but he looks bored that’s what my son said he only wants to see child when it suits him he lies about where he is living to his family and it hurts me how after so many years he has become a stranger and cold and distant when all I have done is be nice and Civil to him yes I made mistakes like begging in the beginning he responds to some texts and not others he still asks son how I’m doing who has been around and wanting to know what goes on in the house I’m so confused can someone help
Hi Ava. It took me ages to reply. I hope this message would find its way to reach you. Yes i gave birth to a healthy baby girl last October 2019. And yes, i am fine and happy now. He managed to fix everything he ruined and i was wrong, i wasn’t a rebound, well it was a huge misunderstanding. It was a messy relationship, we were both young and pressured about so many things that it contributed a lot why we broke up that time. January 2020 we got married and now while writing this, he and my baby are sleeping on my side, safe and sound. Thankyou so much for asking btw and i appreciate stranger’s concern and i dont see it being intrusive or what. I wish i could tell you more but i dont even know how could i reach out to you. I hope you’re doing well and stay safe! 🙂