When Your Ex Tries To Get Back In Your Life

An ex could try to get back in your life romantically, sexually, or as a friend. And sometimes (especially when emotions are running high) it can be difficult to tell these three things apart. It can seem like your ex wants one thing, but actually wants something else, which can end up confusing you and hurting you.

It can affect your self-esteem and starve you for validation.

So before you convince yourself that your ex wants you back in the way that you want him/her, figure out what your ex really wants.

When you find out what that is, you’ll be able to:

1. Reciprocate your ex’s feelings.
2. Become your ex’s friend.
3. Have some fun with your ex.
4. Or protect yourself by rejecting your ex.

Understanding what your ex’s intentions are is very important as you don’t want to mistake your ex’s wish for friendship for a wish to be in a romantic relationship with you. You want to keep your hopes to a minimum and healing to a maximum.

The only time you can get a bit excited and lower your guard is when you’re certain your ex’s desires are in line with yours and that the chances of getting hurt are small.

That’s when you can do what both you and your ex want.

This is why it’s so important for you to comprehend what you want, need, and are emotionally ready for. If you’re still hurting over the loss of your relationship and aren’t ready to see your ex dating other people, you obviously shouldn’t settle for friendship with your ex and get hurt just because your ex is ready to be friends.

What your ex wants is irrelevant. Your life is about you and you need to treat it with care and respect.

You can be friends with your ex or friends with benefits later if you want to, but while you’re hurting, crying, and analyzing every breath your ex takes, you’re far from ready to get involved with your ex again.

For the time being, you’re ready just to heal. And you need to focus on healing as long as your ex can influence your thoughts and feelings.

So if you’re wondering what to do when your ex tries to get back in your life, the very first thing you should do is figure out if you’re ready to communicate with your ex.

Give it some thought and evaluate your health and feelings. If you determine you’re healthy, over your ex, and still respect or love your ex, you can then see what your ex wants from you and figure out if you want the same thing.

In this post, we’ll discuss what it means when your ex tries to get back in your life and what you should do about it.

When your ex tries to get back in your life

I’m not saying you should hold grudges and make your ex’s life difficult when your ex shows up out of nowhere, but if your ex dumped you coldheartedly, you should at least think about whether your ex deserves to get back in your life.

Think about your ex’s behavior before and after the breakup and discern if your ex regrets what he or she did and has changed.

After a brief consideration, you may realize that your ex doesn’t deserve friendship, care, support, and all the good stuff you can provide and that your ex blew his or her chance at redemption after hurting you and leaving you to fend for yourself.

Many dumpees instantly forget how their ex treated them the moment they hear from their ex. They’re hurt and desire their ex’s attention, so they make an emotional decision to forgive their ex on the spot and absorb their ex’s validation.

This is how they release love hormones into their brain and become even more dependent on their ex for love. In other words, they put themselves in a situation they aren’t emotionally ready to handle because they haven’t completely let go of the past and detached yet. They’re still dealing with the breakup after-effects and need more time to become emotionally independent.

Again, I’m not saying you should make your ex’s life hard for falling out of love and dumping you, but you should not be so naive to think that your life will be better with an ex who cheated on you, ghosted you, or mistreated you in any way, shape, or form.

You may be emotionally dependent on your ex for healing, but you have to be rational about this as letting your ex back into your life will most likely create more problems than it will solve.

For starters, it will give you hope that your ex still feels something for you and that you need to make a good impression on your ex because your ex is on his or her way back to you.

You should always remember that exes often (if not almost always) come back to some degree unless they completely eradicate their perception of their ex.

Dumpers who want back in don’t necessarily want their ex back romantically, but they do stop craving space and realize that they overreacted and went too hard on their ex.

That’s why they return to breadcrumb their ex with guilt-induced statements and confuse their ex with highly emotional explanations, apologies, promises, regrets, and worries.

Here’s an infographic with 5 tips on what to do when your ex tries to get back in your life.

My advice is to learn how to handle your ex’s mixed signals so you can stay one step ahead of your ex and in control of your emotions. Having a good understanding of breakup dynamics will give you an advantage in your breakup as you’ll avoid getting strung along and/or taken for granted again.

I encourage you to learn more about dumpers’ behavior and what to expect when your ex tries to get back in your life months or years after the breakup. That way, you’ll be able to tell breadcrumbs from romantic interest and pull away if you need to.

Let’s now discuss why your ex wants to get back in your life all of a sudden.

Why does my ex want to get back in my life?

The biggest reason why dumpers weasel their way back into their ex’s life is that they process the most painful emotions caused by the breakup and become a lot more rational. They see that their ex is a decent human being they can benefit from, so they try to get what they can from their ex.

This sounds like something a user or a manipulator would do, but I don’t mean it in that context. People have friends for a reason. They may not be aware of that reason (or reasons), but friendship with an ex gives dumpers something valuable. Some kind of “happy feeling” only the dumpee can give.

For dumpers, it’s usually familiarity, reassurance, guilt relief whereas for dumpees, it’s love, validation, and keeping their ex in their life so they don’t have to rip off the band-aid.

Your ex basically needed some time to focus on himself after the breakup. And when he got that time, your ex no longer craved it. He felt that you’ve come to terms with the breakup and that you want the same thing as him.

I don’t know your ex so I can’t say what exactly it is that your ex wants, but it’s evident that your ex has a motive and that he will try to get what he wants or needs and likely disappear afterward.

This means that if your ex is lonely and wants to relieve sexual tension, your ex will likely seem to be really into you at first. Your ex will text you, call you, and pretend like nothing happened until your ex gets what he or she is after and gets out of your life again.

And that could make you feel used and discarded again. Especially if you still have expectations of your ex and are hoping your ex will see your worth and return to you as more than just a friend.

Keep in mind that many exes come back when something goes wrong in their lives. That’s when they’re hurt and feel that the only person in the world who can listen to them and take their pain away is the ex they previously abandoned.

The reason for that is that familiarity with an ex doesn’t go away very quickly. It tends to remain for quite some time after the breakup. I suppose this explains why exes who reconnect become comfortable around each other very quickly. They know what to expect, so they can just skip the get to know each other phase and jump straight to the intimate part.

So if your ex tried to get back in your life romantically, bear in mind that your ex has failed to find romance and happiness without you. He or she thought everything would go smoothly but eventually realized that he or she had taken you for granted and abandoned you too quickly (most likely on impulse).

If your ex came back to be friends with you, however, your ex hasn’t quite realized your romantic value just yet. Your ex still thinks that he or she has made the right decision and that getting back with you would be a mistake.

You can tell your ex wants you back as a friend if your ex is avoiding breakup, relationship, future couple topics and is merely taking what he or she can from the relationship. That would reveal that your ex is in it for himself/herself and that any “we/us topics” smother or repulse your ex.

So pay attention to your ex’s plans for you. If your ex sees romantic potential in you, you can be certain that your ex will be in a hurry to reconcile with you. Your ex will be afraid of losing a one-of-a-kind person like yourself—hence why you can expect your ex to crave your love and attention and take the initiative.

Your job is to figure out why your ex came back in your life so you can then learn what to do about it. Sure, you could just ask your ex why he came back, but sometimes dumpers don’t answer such questions honestly.

Sometimes they avoid them out of shame, guilt, regret, and a fear of seeing their ex panic when they reject their ex. But I suppose avoiding this question would indicate that your ex doesn’t want you back and that you should do what it takes not to want your ex back either.

All in all, words are good, but they’re only 50% of what you need. The other half is seeing for yourself whether your ex wants to contribute to your life as much as he or she wants to take from it.

Always remember that relationships take two committed people to work. When someone is less interested than the other, the relationship oftentimes downgrades to a friendship with benefits. And if interest declines from there onward, it then turns into friendship, acquaintanceship, and lastly, rivalry, hatred, and contempt.

You’re not a bad person for saying no

There’s no need for you to feel bad for rejecting your ex’s desire to be friends, friends with benefits, or more than that. You must understand that your ex has decided to get out of your life after the breakup and let you detach/develop a different opinion of him.

Unless he offered to help or said he was going to leave you alone on purpose, he didn’t care about you much and just wanted to be alone. And that’s how he demonstrated his emotional maturity and what he’s like as a person.

Now that your ex wants to get back in your life, though, your ex is no longer the most important person in your life and in charge. Now you’re the one who gets to decide what’s best for you and whether you should share any of your joy and happiness with your ex.

Everyone deserves forgiveness, sure, even your ex. But sadly, not everyone deserves a spot in your heart just for dating you for a while. I strongly suggest you give this some thought so that you can tell your ex what you’ve decided and why.

Did you learn what to do when your ex tries to get back in your life after the breakup? I’d like to hear what you think about exes who come back after a while to reconcile/be friends. Share your thoughts and experiences below.

And if you’re still undecided and are looking for a second opinion, feel free to sign up for our breakup coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.