Dumper Sending Mixed Signals: How To Handle Them?

Unfortunately, many dumpers send mixed signals after the breakup. They don’t know what to say and how to act after the breakup, so they do things they think are best.

Sometimes they like their ex’s photos on social media and send confusing texts and other times, they stay in touch with their ex, apologize profusely, and say they miss their ex.

Almost always, though, they confuse their dumpee, trigger their ex’s anxiety, take their ex’s ability to self-focus away, and make their ex’s life more complicated and painful than it needs to be.

If your dumper is sending you mixed signals, you need to know that your ex doesn’t understand breakup dynamics very well. Your ex is not in excruciating pain, which is why your ex has no idea that he or she is giving you hope and stringing you along.

All your ex knows is that he must do something to show he’s a caring person and that your response would make him feel better about what he’s done to you.

Your dumper ex is merely doing what feels right to him. He’s not considering or understanding how you feel and what you truly need from him to get back on your feet and enjoy your life again.

It’s unfortunate, but your ex thinks he’s helping – that you want to know he’s still around in case you need him and want to talk to him.

Whatever you do, don’t take the bait. Your ex may appear a bit more receptive to you than he did on the day of the breakup, but that’s only because your ex has made some emotional progress. Your ex has gotten his badly craved space and can breathe better now.

This doesn’t, however, mean that he’s ready and willing to get back with you just yet.

Your ex has still got a lot more work to do before he or she processes the negative emotions caused by the breakup and the negative associations your ex associated with you throughout the course of the relationship.

So be careful. Make sure not to get your hopes up ahead of time when your ex is still going through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and requires more time to let go of resentments and emotional blockages that prevent him or her from loving you and feeling the desire to be loved by you.

There’s a time for you to feel hopeful about the broken relationship. But that time isn’t when your dumper is sending you mixed signals and appears wishy-washy.

The time to feel excited is when your ex discerns your worth and comes back to admit fault and work on the relationship. That’s when you can let your guard down a bit and see if your ex has the determination to give the relationship another shot.

So if your dumper is sending you mixed signals and you’re wondering why your ex is doing that, keep in mind that your ex feels a variety of mixed feelings. He or she is still figuring out what to do with you and thinks that interacting with you in the meantime will make his or her guilt and other negative emotions go away quicker.

In this post, we’ll talk about what to do when your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend sends you mixed signals.

Dumper sending mixed signals

If your dumper ex is sending you mixed signals, you need to know that your ex is dealing with the breakup aftereffects. Depending on the stage your ex is in, he or she is processing certain negative emotions and is stuck between wanting to be a decent human being and listening to his or her gut feelings.

On the one hand, your ex wants to do the right thing because that’s who your ex is and wants to be, but on the other, your ex feels the need to self-prioritize and focus only on himself or herself.

This creates a big rift between rationality, instincts, and morality and causes your ex to appear hot and cold – interested or disinterested.

A rational part of your ex essentially wants to be nice (this gives you false hope) but the emotional part tells him that he needs more space and time to focus on his wants and needs. As a result, your ex ends up sending you mixed signals and confuses you a lot.

He gives you hope and takes it away and does this until his need for space disappears or overwhelms your ex. More often than not, it overwhelms the dumper as the dumper can’t handle strong repulsive post-breakup emotions.

He especially can’t handle them if the dumpee asks for attention from the dumper and keeps trying to get closure.

So don’t get your hopes up too quickly. Just because your ex is sending you certain signals doesn’t mean that your ex is going to have a change of heart soon. All it means is that your ex doesn’t want to let go of you because your ex would miss out on relationship benefits or friendship.

Remember that dumpers don’t send mixed signals on purpose. They send them because they want some kind of peaceful non-romantic relationship with their ex that would enable them to forgive themselves and live in peace.

Why is my dumper sending mixed signals?

The easiest way to explain why your ex is sending mixed signals is that your ex is also affected by the breakup and that your ex wants to do too many things at once. Your ex wants to make you feel calm and secure but also make himself or herself feel at peace.

This is something your ex is having a hard time achieving.

Your ex may be able to help you get closure, but this, unfortunately, comes at a price. If your ex tries to help too quickly, directly, and strongly by getting too involved in your healing process, your ex can make you too dependent on him for healing, self-love, and attention.

And when your ex sees that you’re too dependent on him, your ex can also start feeling smothered and fail to get what he needs to recover from the breakup.

That’s why your ex burns himself or herself out and appears supportive and respectful one day and cold and possibly mean or uncaring the next.

You need to know that mixed signals are a sign of emotional detachment and that your ex is far from ready from being with you again. Your ex is dealing with too many conflicting beliefs and emotions that prevent your ex from quickly compartmentalizing his unhealthy feelings and thinking and feeling about you in ways that he or she needs to.

So don’t think that your dumper’s mixed signals are a good sign. The truth is, they’re neither bad nor good. They’re just a sign this your ex has taken on a challenging task and that your ex could push you away if you make yourself seem too overbearing.

As a dumpee, you should never push your ex to do something your ex doesn’t want to do. Even if your ex has no clue what you’re going through, you should be understanding of your ex’s emotions and needs for space and start letting your ex go.

Letting go means that you let go of control, stop relying on your ex emotionally, and let your ex be free and completely independent. If you can do that, your ex will feel less pressured and more interested in speaking with you. It’s a win-win for both.

The picture below shows 5 reasons why your ex is sending you mixed signals.

What to do when a dumper sends you mixed signals?

When your dumper sends you mixed signals, you must do what you should have done ages ago. You must put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing by telling your ex that’s it’s better if you spend some time away from each other and deal with the breakup individually.

That’s the best way to handle mixed signals from the dumper as stopping the friendship will force-stop your ex from sending you mixed signals and encourage you to detach from your ex once and for all.

Keep in mind that you can’t get broken up with twice. But you can suffer longer and more often if you do nothing and let your ex keep sending you mixed signals.

So first things first, unfollow your ex on social media and delete his or her phone number. There’s no point in keeping your ex’s phone number unless you have kids or a good reason to stay in contact. You’ll feel much less confused and better in general if you keep your ex out of sight and prevent him or her from sending you mixed signals.

And you can prevent your ex from sending you mixed signals by mustering up the courage to tell your ex politely not to call/message/tag you anymore and to leave you alone until you’re ready to engage with him again. Say that you’ll message him/her when you’re ready to do so.

Secondly, go indefinite no contact and follow the rules of no contact down to the t. You’ll heal very slowly if you obsessively watch your ex’s social media and talk to your ex’s friends about your ex.

Information about your ex’s life will only confuse you and/or hurt you. Probably both because you’ll interpret the things you see and hear in the worst way possible.

Your self-esteem is hurting, so take my advice and don’t try to keep an eye on your ex. Everything about your ex’s new life is poison to you as it’s making you obsess about your ex when you should be obsessing about yourself instead.

Don’t be afraid of starting no contact again/late. It’s never too late to cut your ex out of your life and enjoy the tranquillity and stability his or her absence provides.

I know it’s hard to distance yourself from someone you’re emotionally attached to (especially when the breakup is fresh), but you have to understand that your dumper’s mixed signals are stringing you along and killing you. Every time your ex sends you a mixed signal, he or she hurts you and forces you to stay hooked on him or her longer.

So don’t let your ex do that to you. Your ex may not know or care that he or she is your worst nightmare, but you do. That’s why you have to take charge of your life and do what’s best for you (not your ex).

Lastly, bear in mind that your ex isn’t slowly getting back with you. Mixed signals from the dumper don’t indicate that he’s leaving the door open but that he’s trying to have the best of both worlds – be a friend without romantic commitment.

If you understand that your ex is sending mixed signals because of his difficult post-breakup emotions, you’ll also understand that you need to leave your ex alone so he can process the breakup and hopefully reflect on the things that bother him and need reflecting.

Your ex won’t be able to do that if you’re always around. He’ll be able to do it only if you distance yourself from your ex. The reason for that is that emotional distance allows dumpers to reflect whereas a lack of it corners dumpers and takes their ability to reflect away.

Your best course of action, therefore, is to respect your ex’s wish for separation and walk away with your head held high. That’s the only way you can give your ex what he or he desperately needs to stop sending you mixed signals and let you heal.

Take mixed signals as a no and act right away

If your dumper ex is sending you mixed signals, don’t wait for him to stop sending them on his own. You have to do something about the signals yourself because if you don’t, your ex may never understand that he’s giving you false hope and making it hard for you to detach and move on. He may just keep breadcrumbing you and setting you back every time you make some progress in your healing.

So don’t keep hoping that one day your ex’s negative signals will disappear and that the positive ones will remain. For that to happen, your behavior or rather, your ex’s perception of you will have to change completely. And it will change only if your ex wants it to change.

No one can say if it will because it strongly depends on your ex’s ability to process negative emotions and the things going on in your ex’s life.

But while you’re waiting for your ex to develop feelings for you, you need to learn to let go of control because you’ll never be able to control your ex’s feelings. Only your ex can do that when your ex distances himself from you, focuses on himself, and forgets about you for a while.

Your job as a dumpee, therefore, is very simple. Get away from your ex the moment you receive mixed signals. Run far and fast as you have nothing to gain by trying to be your ex’s friend. Only healing and happiness to miss out on.

Is your dumper sending mixed signals and hurting you more than you’re willing to tolerate Do you agree that avoiding mixed signals is the best painkiller? Let us know what you think about dumper sending mixed signals in the comment section below.

And if you’d like to talk about your ex’s mixed signals in private, find out how you can get in touch with us on our coaching page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.