If you’re the dumpee (the person who got dumped) and you’re wondering, “Why is my ex texting me,” I can tell you that it’s got more to do with your ex than it does with you.
Your ex is probably just checking up on your new life and looking for some kind of information that would validate him or her.
By observing your thoughts, feelings, and the way you react to his or her outreachāyour ex is able to transform his or her obtained knowledge into strength.
He or she can, in essence, use you time after time to alleviate guilt, feed his or her ego, and feel stronger about himself or herself.
All your ex has to do is send you a message whenever he or she is curious, jealous, or has doubts about leaving you.
So don’t think that your ex will come back if he or she sent you a breadcrumb or two.
Your ex probably only felt attracted to the strength and independence you’ve managed to accumulate and portray by staying in no contact.
As a dumpee who holds no value to the dumper, you need to understand that an ex who texts you out of the blue is merely testing the waters with you.
He or she isn’t in the process of rebuilding love for you, but rather in the early stages of curiosity.
It’s just the way selfish dumpers typically behave.
So keep in mind that once your ex receives the feedback from the thoughts and feelings that you openly express, your ex will then use it for his or her empowerment.
Your ex will validate himself or herself and probably stay out of sight until he or she needs something from you again.
If you still want to know, “Why is my ex texting me after the breakup,” this article will provide you with some genuine insight.
Just don’t expect a refill of hope.
Why is my ex texting me after the breakup?
It’s possible that your ex is texting you because your ex is curious about what or who gave you the strength to stay away from him or her.
He or she may be after this information consciously or subconsciously, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter.
Your ex is breadcrumbing you for his or her own sakeāand currently doesn’t want you back.
Especially not if your ex is continuously appearing and disappearing like a magician and only seems to message you for holidays, birthdays, or when he or she needs something from you.
So unless your ex specifically told you that he or she wants to get back together with you, you’re far better off not questioning your ex’s motives and his or her love for you.
If you do, you’ll make yourself anxious, raise your hopes, and create new emotional difficulties that you could happily live without.
But if you insist and you want to learn about the reasons why your ex is texting you despite my warnings, here they are:
- guilt
- boredom and loneliness
- curiosity
- validation and support
- backup plan
- friendship
When your ex texts you, he or she does that for selfish reasons. Here they are.
1)Guilt
The majority of dumpers who text their dumpees fall into this category.
When guilt catches up to them and anxiety overwhelms them, dumpers begin to look for a way to relieve their unease.
They soon realize that texting their ex could do the trick, so they contact their dumpee and expect to extort some kind of feedback from him or her.
This feedback can be positive, negative, or neutral.
To dumpers, it doesn’t matter if their ex behaves angrily, cold, or disinterested because dumpers are always able to get what they want.
They are in a position of power and controlāand that’s why they can instantaneously use their dumpee’s anger to their advantage and empower themselves. They just need to see their ex behave angrily, perceive it as threatening, and react impulsively.
Contrarily, dumpers can also benefit from their dumpee’s disinterested behavior by telling themselves that their ex doesn’t hate them. They can basically judge their ex superficially and come up with their own excuse to alleviate their guilt.
As for dumpees’ cold behavior, dumpers can simply tell themselves that their ex is rude and that they’ve made the right choice for leaving their partner.
So no matter what the dumpee does, the dumper can interpret his or her ex’s behavior in whichever way he or she wants.
As a person who believes he or she was wronged, the dumper has the strength to always find a way to justify his or her reasons for leaving the dumpee and empower himself or herself.
This is why you mustn’t behave in a way that would intend to hurt your ex or deprive him or her of positive emotions.
You’ll never impress your ex and make him or her regret breaking up with you with dishonesty, guilt, and malice.
You can, however, leave a decent impression by becoming the best version of yourself and transforming yourself into a person with high self-esteem.
2)Boredom and loneliness
Every outreachāwhether it’s a call, a text, or a letter has a purpose.
It demands a response from the person contacted even if it’s just to kill some time.
So if you’re wondering, “Why is my ex texting me out of the blue,” the reason could be simpler than you may suspect.
Your ex could have no one else to talk to and might only be texting you out of familiarity to fill his or her time with you.
You probably used to be the turn-to person to your ex, so your ex still thinks you’re reliable at least to some degree.
He or she doesn’t intend to come back, of course, but nonetheless, wants to talk to you, catch up, and see how you’re doing.
Since your ex doesn’t have any more romantic feelings for you, it’s very easy for your ex to talk to you out of boredomāfor no apparent reason.
He or she doesn’t experience nostalgia the way you do, after all, so your ex doesn’t think that talking to you affects you in a negative way.
Your ex instead thinks that what he or she feelsāyou feel as well. This is the mentality most dumpers have.
3)Curiosity
When your ex texts you out of nowhere, he or she is probably curious about you and wants to know a few things about you.
Your ex could want to:
- find out who you’re dating
- discover what you’re doing in your spare time
- see how you’re coping with the breakup
- understand what you think and feel toward him or her
So try not to get your hopes up the moment your ex sends you the first text after the no contact rule.
Despite your ex likely feeling slightly nervous, it doesn’t imply that he or she wants you back right away.
Your ex is probably just curious about your emotional well-being and the things you’re doing without him or her.
4)Validation and support
Most dumpers don’t experience separation anxiety because they drown in relief and elation the moment they leave their partner.
They become genuinely happy that their suffocating relationship has ended and feel that they’ve made the right decision.
But months or years later after they’ve processed the breakup and gone through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper, their happiness streak comes to an end.
Their relief, ego, validation, thoughts, and hatred rewind back to their neutral stateāso they, in essence, become vulnerable to external conditions again.
No longer do they feel smothered or angry at their dumpee for the end of the relationship. They’re just too busy dealing with their own life issues and stressors ruining their health.
But once they’ve had enough pain and anxiety, they usually make a selfish decision.
They blatantly reach out to their long-forgotten dumpee and lean on him or her for validation and support.
And the same thing could happen to you.
When your ex goes through the 4 grass is greener syndrome stages, he or she could experience emotional difficulties.
Your ex could remember that you used to be his or her emotional, financial, physical, or any kind of supportāand send you a sneaky message that requires your recognition.
5)backup plan
One of the reasons why your ex texts you after the breakup is that you’re the backup plan.
This is more common in cases where dumpees and dumpers keep in touch after the breakup, communicate every now and then, and perhaps even hang out as friends.
But the problem with this is that as long as the breakup is one-sided (not mutual,) the ex-couple continuously craves exactly the opposite emotions.
The dumper expects to live life without the dumpee and eventuallyāwith someone else while the dumpee yearns for the dumper’s attention and wants him or her back.
But there’s more.
Breakup mechanics aren’t always fixed. Oftentimes, the dumper is unsure of his or her decision about leaving the dumpee and monkey-branching onto someone new right away.
As a result, the dumper puts his or her dumpee on the backburner and gives him or her minimum attentionājust enough to keep the dumpee hooked and himself or herself content, guilt-free.
So if your ex talks to you for little to no reason and you’re wondering why he or she is texting you, your ex probably wants to secure his or her future.
Your ex is subconsciously or consciously planning ahead and wants a safe cushion to fall on in case his or her rebound fails and life doesn’t turn out as expected.
6)Friendship
The last but not least important reason why your ex texts you is that your ex doesn’t see any romantic value in you anymore.
Your ex sees you as a compadre and someone whom your ex wants to stay in touch with.
Of course, your ex probably doesn’t realize that talking to him or her isn’t going to be easy for you.
He or she likely thinks that it should be okay as long as you know your boundaries and respect his or her privacy/new partner.
Now that it’s over, your ex basically expects you to give him or her what he or she wants.
And what your ex wants is a permanent truce – friendship.
Your ex doesn’t want you to fight for him or her like in some Hollywood movie.
He or she just wants you to make him or her happy and degrade yourself to a mere friend.
Are you still wondering, “Why is my ex texting me after the breakup?” Has this article helped you both rationally and emotionally understand that your ex has no romantic interest in you at this moment? Leave your thoughts by commenting below.
Hi
My ex did the decent thing and told me he had found someone else ( long distance relationship). I already knew…but I decided , that was it. No more and certainly time to move on.
I wrote a draft( never to be sent) about how I felt and how hurt I was etc etc)
I did not contact him at all.
Two weeks later he contacted me again, saying he didnt expect a reply, but it was a bittersweet goodbye.
Once again, I did not contact him or reply.
Today, 2 weeks later , he emails me again…saying , he thought that I would be happy for him and he did the right thing in telling me( as I always requested from the start of our relationship)…he wants to remain friends, as we have do much in common..
???????? I am dumbstruck!
Why would he be doing this? HE wanted to end it, HE found someone else…so…carry on already…
I hope you can help me understand this…
Thank you
My ex was like writing me to ask me hide away or delete the photos of us from instagram, I must laugh so hard about his behaviour, seriously? he’s 28 not 12= =… so I just told him to block me if those photos really bother him. then his gf popped up suddenly on the same day and threaten me to take off the photos from instagram or they will report me XDDD, and they really did. I in the end simply didn’t reply any message or phone call from my ex.
After I set my account as private, he even sent me the request to want to see if I take off those photos! LOL
they just disgusted me.
two months later, my ex suddenly reached out by texting me and asked me where I am now. I simply told him in an ironic way that that is not his business anymore, plus, his gf has announced that we are nor friends, neither do I see the point that he reached out to me as he degraded our relationship so much.
totally disappointed with him and feel shame for him.
I AM SO HAPPY THAT HE IS FINALLY OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!
Hello Zan, great article!
My ex broke up with me at the end of August 2019. She wanted to stay friends. I did NC through September and called her at the beggining of October. She was pretty distant at the start, but she quickly began to be draw back to me. She was saying she want us to be friends only, but after some time she began to crumble. She even came to my city (we were LDR) and weāve had sex, then two weeks later i drove to her. We were like a couple again. That was like end of November ā begging of December.
Suddenly, in the middle of December, something happened. She said she really tried to love me again, really tried to trust me, but sheās unable to. She knows she canāt be with me, she wants me to find somebody else and she will do it too. I took it playfully, hoping thatās only a emotional outburst.
She was not treating me like āfriendā but really A Friend. She was calling me often, saying Iām very important for her, weāve had some flirt at times, she told me sometimes she wants to hug me ā but only as goddamned friend, and she was angry anytime I said anything about relationship.
Finnaly, in two days ago I crumbled. I told her through phone thatās relationship or nothing ā and call me if you change your mind. She was shocked, and asked me if Iām serious. I said yes and after few seconds she just said ,,byeā.
Now I donāt know what to feel now. I know I want to stay in NC till she reach out to me (IF she reach out), but do you think it was a good decision in my situation?
Thanks for reading my story! Kind regards,
Mack.
Hello Zan,
i write this comment because i want to propose to you a subject that you can develop and detail and i think at a certain time it’s necesary for every dumpee to read it: how to get closure with ex.
i wrote in other comments my story: i was ghosted a few months ago, she monkey branched and i haven’t heard from her since she left.
Now i go to therapy and i am better than i was in the first weeks 4 months ago.
Anyway the questions without answer are still a pain for me and i keep wondering myself a lot of things which is why I got sick.
Because the reason why i got sick it’s mostly based on stress and also on anger and all those bad mixed feelings about my relationship and about her, I am considering to have a discussion with her to end the story for good and to get rid of stress and pain.
Since i am also in no contact (actualy she change her number and she think i dont have it but i do) i am also thinking to not reach her at all and wait for her call. But this means to stay in agony more and maybe to make false hopes and dreams about her.
it’s a mixed feeling because my brain tell me that things are over and i shoud call to get closure so i can get over her faster and in the future to get in a new relationship without questions,fears and without thinking at her at all but my heart still hope we will get back together and tell me that i should wait.
In the past week i wrote a list with pro’s and con’s about “why i shoud or not call her”.
I am also thinking that, when she will see my number or (lets say) she will hear my voice she will hang up the phone.
So another question i have for myself (and also for you if it’s possible) is how to reach her out (via call fron the beginning or 1st via text) ?
And let’s say she will want to talk with me. What shoud i do? What shoud i say to her? Shoud i ask directly for closure or shoud i extract info from her about how it’s in her new relationship and if she want to get back together with me along with the questions about what happened that made her gost and monkey branched ?!
But if i decide to call her, it might hurt me a lot. I might hear things that might give me bigger depression than the one i had 4 months ago when she left (i was close to suicide).
It’s a really hard but important decision i have to make !!!
It’s funny and sad for me because all day i have to talk business problems with peoples at job (and i am very good at it) but i dont know what to talk with her (if i decide to do it).
In any case,i am waiting for such an article about closure and in the meantime i would really apreciate if you can tell me what you think about my problem. I am in a very big gap.
Kinds regards,
Mihail
Hi Mihail,
I feel your pain brother. Whatever you do, DO NOT contact your ex under any circumstance. The likelihood of your condition – stress, depression, anger – will absolutely get worse. First, you will never get closure from your ex. Second, the chances of something terrible happening is a very strong possibility. And, third, there is a TON of information on this site to help you realize what is going on. Zan writes in a very straightforward, easy-to-understand way. He accurately describes many of your concerns. I highly recommend that you either search the topics I included below (cut and past) or simply click on the “breakup” category located at the top right of this blog. Search these:
“Breaking No Contact is Dangerous”
“How to Lose Hope after a Breakup”
“Meeting Up with an Ex can Backfire”
“18 Post Breakup Mistakes”
“An Update – My No Contact Experience”
“How Long Does it Take to Get Over a Breakup”
“Indefinite No Contact”
“My Ex Does Not Contact Me First”
“How to Become the Best Version of Yourself”
The main point in all of these articles is that YOU must find the inner strength to get over your ex because she will not do it for you. Only you are responsible for your happiness, and only you can get closure from yourself. Everybody on this site struggles with pain, anger, and depression, but I am sure most of us, with Zan’s guidance, find a way (along with time and distance), to ultimately triumph over our breakups (or, at least, I hope we all do). There are many other articles on this site you can read. I recommend that you take some time to search through them before you hurt yourself worse than you already are. I know its tough but hang in there, you can do it.
Remember, you lost nothing!!! Your ex lost somebody who loved them completely. You lost somebody who no longer loves you. Who will be saddled with regret in the end?
Hello Jack,
Thank you for your answer.
I am a very big fan of Zan’s articles and i read them all, some of them i read 3-4-5 times, sometimes just to remember the ideas.
But i dont see the reason why i shoud stick to no contact with a stubborn ex. She won’t call me even if she want me back, i won’t call her cause of the rule of “no contact”.
But in the same time i don’t know what is in her head and i can’t get over her if her decision is final and she won’t get back to me. I don’t know what she is thinking and i keep having questions (as you can see i have now) and i can’t focus on anything.
Indeed ! She lost a person who loved her and did for her many things.
I accepted a job i knew from the beginning i will hate and it was bad for my personal development but it was good for our plans and for our relationship.
Yesterday i got a job proposal 70km away from home. The company tryed to hire me last year but i decline the offer because of her and our plans. Now, since i am alone, i consider to change the curent job i dont like that much and where peoples look at me odd since they dont know the reason why she left and i am single and dumped (toxic environment i know). She got hired in the same company where i curently work and quit with no word after 3.5 months. She ghosted me and ghosted work in the same time š
I dont know all the details about the job proposal and i will to go to an interview.
If i will accept they’re offer, i want start a new life. To do this, i must end all chapters from the past. And the main chapter is HER.
This is why i think it’s healty for me to have a discution with her. And even if i wont accept the job, i still have to end the story with her.
If she will want to get back together, let’s just say it’s a bonus and luck š
If she dont want to hear again from me, i will heal faster and i will STOP having false hopes and illusions.
You can’t heal if you still hope you will get back together with ex.
You can’t move on.
Can’t start new relationship.
Only time heal but why not rush things a bit for your own good and health?!
Even tho for the moment you will feel awfull and hurt.
If you look on short term, the pain will be enormous.
On long term you will heal faster.
And i repeat: maybe there are chances we will get back together.
And she is stubborn.
She wont call.
What do i have to loose?
Pride? Self-esteem? Hopes?
I already lost those long time ago when she left.
So nothing ventured, nothing gained š
I haven’t take a final decision about this call but i intend to do it in 2-3 weeks.
I’ll keep you guys informed.
Maybe you can learn a bit from my success or stupidity š
Best regards,
Mihail
My ex texted me many months after going indefinite NC. He started seeing someone else after he broke up me. He ended our 3.5 years relationship over the phone because he said it was too hard to see me in person. I never got closure from him. My gut feeling is that he reached out because he may be having problems with the rebound. I don’t think he would have reached out if they are so happy together. What do you think? We have texted back and forth several times. However he hasn’t responded back to my last text asking him about his rebound and why he reached out to me after all this time. I am not sure if I should have asked him all of that. I don’t understand why he’s not opening up to me. Anyways should I go indefinite NC again. His birthday is next month. Was thinking about sending him a happy birthday text. I still love him and hoping we would get back together. Any advice would be great.
a BIG NO. why reward him for leaving you? baffles me…show you are the price!!!
again, when logic is in conflict with your emotion, your emotion wins…so build a better you through improving yourself version 2.0. You were fine before he showed you, you will be even better now that he lost you. Remember, you are the price!!!
Thanks for this post, but i do have a question. You write that you need to be the best version of yourself, when you ex calls you. But isn’t the best version of yourself by telling the truth and open? Which in this case is that you still feel bad about the break up. That you still have hope that some day you are going back together? Or do i need to lie and say that i’m feeling great and happy?
Hi Irun.
Your ex doesn’t want to feel guilty for breaking your heart. That’s why you genuinely need to get over her so that you can appear as attractive and positive as possible.
Avoid telling your ex that you’re miserable and that you have high hopes for reconciliation.
Appear strong and independent both for yourself and for your ex instead.
Kind regards,
Zan
I actually don’t know what happened.. My ex and i had talked 10 months after the break up and we decided to be friends. I don’t know if it is true in his case. We text once in a while. But sometimes, when I reply to his message and ask him a question, he wouldn’t reply anymore. š
Hi Jes.
Your ex can’t keep up with you so he doesn’t always reply. He would rather just ignore you and not deal with his smothering emotions.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks, zan. So, do I need to do something about it? Or I just have to leave it be?
Hi Jes.
Leave it be and do what makes you happy.
Best,
Zan
This is good to know in order to keep emotions and expectations in check. I was wondering, however, how should I respond to a dumper in these situations? If the dumper can interpret what I say in whichever manner they want, what is my best option? Just ignore them until they actually confirm they want to try a romantic relationship again? I wouldn’t reply in anger, but even if I reply in a neutral tone and they get what they want, then what is the point from the dumpee perspective in even acknowledging the message, especially if I still desire a possible reconciliation? I look forward to your reply – or, maybe another article..?
Hi Jack.
As I stated in the article, the best thing for you to do is to be mature. Do what someone you respect would do and stick with your moral values at all cost.
Don’t ignore your ex or turn cold. Just be the best version of yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Sure ya bla bla bla …maybe he just want you to get all you’re shit out of his house or maybe he wants the money you stole?!…I know thats why I’m texting my ex…it goes something like this….”Hey when are you coming to pick up all you’re shit and pay me money liar”…dont believe anything the internet psyc says…all bs…
Hi Dan.
You seem very angry.
Of course you’re free to believe what you want, but if you text your ex in such a manner, you will create problems that will hinder you from growing as a person and prevent you from doing the right thing in the future.
Kind regards,
Zan