Is your ex with someone else but still contacts you? Does your ex’s behavior confuse you and/or hurt you? If it does, your ex likely wants the best of both worlds. He or she wants to enjoy the new relationship while keeping you around as a friend to speak to and rely on from time to time.
Your ex is used to talking to you, so your ex can’t just cut you out of his or her life and forget about you. Your ex thinks that would be unnecessary, which is why your ex contacts you occasionally and tries to keep the bond going.
Whatever you do, don’t assume that something’s not going the way it should be in your ex’s new relationship. If you think that way, you could start to believe that your ex is leaving the door open and waiting for you to bring up getting back together.
In reality, though, your ex is just bored, curious, or needs some kind of advice or support from you. You should think of your ex’s reach-outs as breadcrumbs so that you don’t get your hopes up and strung along.
Always remember that dumpers reach out for themselves. They feel that talking to their ex can lower their guilt and give them what they’re looking for. Usually, what they’re looking for is a familiar person to converse with (friendship).
So if your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, try not to jump to any conclusions. Remind yourself that your ex doesn’t know what contacting you is doing to you and that your ex will likely keep reaching out for as long as you keep responding and letting your ex reach out.
This article is for dumpees whose dumpers are with someone else but still contact them.
My ex is with someone else but still contacts me
If your ex is with someone else, your ex is committed to that person and shouldn’t be messaging you. Your ex should be completely transparent with the new person and always tell his or her partner whenever he or she is about to talk to you. Doing so would build trust in their relationship and help them get along better.
It’s hard for you to judge their relationship from afar and determine whether your ex is respecting the new person, but luckily, that doesn’t bother you. Their relationship is their responsibility and shouldn’t concern you too much. What you should be worried about, however, is the way your ex’s reach-outs make you feel.
If they hurt you, confuse you, or give you hope, you shouldn’t be tolerating them and waiting for your ex to do something about them. You should be handling them yourself by making sure your ex doesn’t contact you as long as you’re emotionally dependent on your ex and not over your ex.
There are many possible explanations for your ex’s breadcrumbing. Guilt is one of the most common reasons. But it’s also possible that your ex misses certain parts of the relationship and wants to communicate about non-relationship matters.
Meaningless conversations reassure your ex that you’re not going anywhere and in turn, help your ex forgive himself or herself for dumping you and hurting you. They also show your ex that you don’t hold any grudges and that you want your ex around as a friend or a best friend.
So if your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, know that your ex doesn’t see anything wrong with that. Your ex doesn’t even understand that texting you or calling you is making you feel uncomfortable and causing you to analyze his or her behavior.
Your ex probably thinks you’re happy to chat just as much as he or she is. But this is because your ex is happy with the way things are at this moment. Your ex is dating someone else already which means that you and your ex are in completely different emotional states.
Your ex is detached from you and elated to be with the new person whereas you are still in love with your ex and depend on your ex for recognition. As long as you’re in different emotional states and want different things from each other, communication (especially frequent one) is extremely harmful to you.
It’s setting you back emotionally and making you adhere to your ex for hope and recognition.
If you want the best for yourself, you have to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away. You have to do it as soon as possible so that you can focus on yourself and find joy and purpose in life again.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why your ex contacts you when your ex is already with someone else.
What does it mean if my ex is with someone else but still contacts me?
It can mean a lot of things when your ex contacts you out of the blueāor it might not mean anything at all. Dumpers often reach out for little to no reason at allājust to see if their dumpees hate them. They have no intention of having any important conversations as their goal is merely to check up on their exes and alleviate their guilty conscience.
Usually, they achieve their goals indirectly without apologizing and expressing their regrets. They get what they want simply by talking to their exes and reading their exes’ attitudes.
If their exes’ attitudes are positive, they reciprocate their exes’ positive vibes and stick around for a while. But if their attitudes are poor or not the way they want them to be, they fight back or just leave. They typically don’t waste their time if they feel that their exes aren’t behaving the way they want them to behave.
This means they’re not reaching out to help their exes but to get something out of them. Something only their exes can provide them with.
If your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, you need to keep your longing for your ex under control by understanding that your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex isn’t contacting you to see if he or she can return to you in case the new relationship fails.
That’s because dumpers don’t make backup plans. They’re in love/attached to their partner, which means that they focus solely on the new person. They do it so intensely that nothing and no one else matters to them.
The only time they start thinking about their exes is when they’re almost done with the relationship or when they’re actually done with it. That’s when they normally come back very quickly in a matter of days. They don’t need more time as they’re in pain and need immediate support.
Your ex doesn’t feel the need to pick one or the other
If your ex is with someone else already but still contacts you as if doing so is a completely normal thing to do, your ex isn’t a very mindful individual. He or she is someone who lacks the ability to put himself or herself in the dumpee’s shoes (as well as the new partner’s) and figure out that his/her that breadcrumbing is confusing people.
Your ex probably thinks that he or she is entitled to friendship and that friendship with a dumper is what you need. Your ex doesn’t realize that you’re not ready to be friends yet and that you’d rather focus on yourself and the people who support you.
People who support you don’t trigger your separation anxiety and breakup fears. They give you the kind of support that distracts you from the breakup and encourages you to forget about your ex.
Your ex, on the other hand, is just doing what’s best for him or her. If your ex had your best interests at heart, your ex would have left you alone to heal. It would probably make you wonder if your ex even loved you and why it was so easy for your ex not to message you, but at least you’d be able to process the breakup peacefully without interruptions.
You wouldn’t have to keep responding to your ex and thinking that your ex may still feel something for you.
If the breakup happened recently, your ex may be reaching out to appease guilt and to know it’s okay to date again. But if the breakup happened a while ago, then your ex probably wants to be friends and keep you in his or her life for convenience.
Lots of dumpers bother their exes with meaningless texts just because they’re afraid of losing their ex completely. They want their ex around to a minimum degree just so they don’t feel like they’re getting rid of their ex completely.
You need to figure out how your ex’s breadcrumbs make you feel so that you can decide if there are any benefits to staying in touch with your ex.
What do I do if my ex is with someone else but still contacts me?
If you get hurt when your ex contacts you, you obviously shouldn’t keep pretending that you’re happy to talk to your ex and that you don’t mind him or her dating someone else. Doing so won’t just keep hurting you and prevent you from letting go of your ex, but it will also affect your self-esteem and keep giving you hope.
The best thing for you to do in this particular case is to tell your ex you’d like some space and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you’re ready to chat again. You don’t need to explain that what your ex is doing is wrong and that it’s hurting you.
Don’t say that your ex is welcome to give you a call if he or she has a change of heart and wants you back either. Your ex doesn’t need to know that you’ll be waiting for his or her new relationship to fail. That would extinguish your ex’s desire to communicate and get back with you.
Just say that you’re having trouble focusing on yourself when he or she reaches out and that you’d be happy if he or she gave you some space and time to process things. After you’ve said that, your ex should understand and give you the space you’re asking for.
If you’re over your ex, however, then you can decide what you want. If you want to be friends with your ex and your and your ex’s new partner are okay with it, you can try to give friendship a try for a while. I suggest that you communicate only occasionally at first so that you don’t redevelop feelings and start thinking your ex is the person you’re meant to be with.
Friendship doesn’t mean you should hang out as if nothing happened between you two. Friendship with an ex means you need to draw healthy boundaries and stick to those boundaries out of respect for all parties involved. If you’re with someone else, there are 4 people you need to consider, including yourself.
Don’t think that you and your ex’s opinions are all that matter.
Is your ex with someone else but still contacts you regularly/sometimes? How does that make you feel? Feel free to leave a comment below. We’ll respond shortly.
And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup guidance and want our help, take a look at our coaching options.
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. We have been together for a year with a 3 month break.. We both broke up with our last partners for being tohether. I have one child from my marriage. We had great communication and amazing chemistry. But he was always confused of my status (single mother) and he couldn’t commit. Since our breakup, we have been chatting every day since we work together, and hanging out regularly (1-2 a week outside work). The day before yesterday i asked him to stop contacting me since i get hurt every time we see each other and say goodbye as friends. He got really upset. I asked him whether he is dating someone and replied negatively. He said I am a very important person in his life and cannot imagine a day without talking to me. When we said goodnight he hugged me tighly a few times, holded hands and said he wanted to kiss me but that would be wrong. Last night though i saw him accidentally at a coffee shop with a girl, which he later admitted that is dating.
My universe collapsed…this morning he texted me to check how i am cause he knows it was going to be a stressful day at work and i was worried and i told him that i need time…He told me that it is not a serious relationship with her and that he woulld tell me if it was.
I am devastated cause we had a great cpmmunication but we are in different stages of life…
Hi Nan.
Your ex probably started dating other people behind your back. That’s how your relationship started too. All you can do now is to cut him off and let him be with whomever he wants to be with. The relationship may not be serious (yet), but lots of guys say that to avoid hurting their ex. If he keeps talking to her, it will eventually get serious.
Go no contact.
Zan
My ex and I were together for a year in our younger days and she was the one who dumped me. Afterward I moved away for school and life. For awhile we were in contact but I cut it off one day when she called and it stayed that way for 2 years. Then she started contacting me again on social media on and off. Fast forward 10 years. She still messaged me from time to time with little reaction from me while being with someone every time 4-5 different guys in the past 10 year. Recently years she has been she has been Sending old photos and saying she misses my parents.
Should I entertain her and message or just leave it be?
Hi Dave.
Her life clearly isn’t going very well, hence why she feels nostalgic. It might be an indirect way of her saying she misses the life she had with you. I’m not sure if she misses you romantically, though. I would ask her if everything’s okay and then respond accordingly.
If she just got dumped, you need to be careful.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I broke up with my boyfriend around 3 months ago. He reached out around 2 days before his birthday asking how I was, wanting to talk about recent travels etc. Then on his birthday, a friend informs me he was at a dinner with a group of friends and a girl next to him (presumably someone he’s dating). Why is he reaching out?
Hi Kristin.
If you broke up with him, he probably misses the connection you had. If he broke up with you, it could be guilt.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for the quick reply. I responded with “I’m doing well, thanks for reaching out and caring. Hope you have a nice birthday.” Thoughts? I feel at this point encouraging/exploring anything more 1) isnt kind to the person hes possibly dating 2) opens up a book that we closed?
Hi Kristin.
If you’re a dumper, simply express your desire to reconnect as a couple. Be brave and straight to the point. If he has feelings for you, he needs to be honest to the person he might be seeing. He needs to tell her he doesn’t have feelings for her because he’s still in love with his ex.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks again for the fast reply.
So it was a somewhat mutal decision to break up for context-he wanted my family to be involved and they didnt want to be, it was an issue that came up every few months, so I said we should probably separate.
Do you think (with this context) that his reach out was more to 1) check on how I was or feeling guilt or 2) see if I was with someone/wanting to get back together?
Hi Kristin.
It was probably a little bit of guilt and curiosity. He still felt connected to you, so he wanted to talk for a bit. That’s it.
Best regards,
Zan
My āexā and I were together for a year and a half. I definitely didnāt treat her the best at times and took her for granted. Within a week of telling me she ādidnāt want to do this anymoreā she was already with another guy. For the next 2 months she stayed in contact with me. Played games. Asked me if I had a valentine, called me drunk saying ālove meā I didnāt know she was with someone and have wanted to fix my mistakes for some time now and I know I canāt. She still reaches out at odd times with pictures of her new cat or sending me a post on Instagram. I truly do miss her and love her but know she is gone cause sheās posting stuff with her new man. Iām quite sad and wish things were different. Idk what to do. sincerely db
Hi Dawson.
She’s stringing you along for convenience and guilt purposes. Cut her off as soon as possible. You don’t need to know what she’s up to and you certainly don’t need to receive hope-giving messages from her.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and I were together for 6 years in all. During Covid I was forced to return to my home country in early 2020. It was challenging, but we continued to keep things going with daily emails, texts, and video calls. As the days and weeks of 2020 and then 2021 came and went, so did our energy and connection. In spite of it all, love remained. When the border finally reopened in early 2022 I bought a ticket and planned on proposing during a surprise visit. Not able to contain my excitement I revealed part of my plan to her over text. After some coaxing my ex revealed that she had been dating someone for several months, and that she had agreed to be his girlfriend just the week before. I was crushed, and couldnāt understand how she could give up all we had, after waiting so long, for someone she barely knew. My ex told me that she still loved me, but didnāt love me the way she used to and asked to remain friends. I tried going no contact a few times. But each time my ex contacts me we start a new round of talks. For the last 5 months weāve video chatted a few times and have continued to text almost daily. Some days sheād tell me she loved and missed me, and then others wouldn’t respond at all. I sent her a parade of gifts, including the engagement ring I was going to surprise her with. I asked her to wear the ring whenever she thought of me. Sheās had it on in every photo Iāve seen of her since. A few times sheās mentioned that maybe she made a mistake in leaving. She says sheās confused about us, but would like to give us another chanceā¦ at the right time. We rarely talk about her boyfriend, but when we do she says her relationship with him is not happy; but itās ok. All of this has given me hope. But last week she revealed that she will give her boyfriend until New Years 2023 before she decides to stay with him or not. Iāve been wanting to talk to her about all of this face to face, but Iāve been unable to so far.
While I love my ex and love being part of her life, I feel like my soul is dying. Over the last 6 months Iāve been an emotional wreck. Each day waiting for any kind of scrap from her. My mood sinks and rises according to how our conversations go. Itās affected my health, friendships and work. Sheās warmed to me in the months since she left, but Iām not sure sheās any closer to coming back. Looking back, I think going no contact at the beginning of this might have saved me a lot of heartache.
Hi Theodore.
Your ex is keeping you around in case her new relationship fails. That’s not fair. You need to stand up for yourself and cut her off. Don’t send her any more gifts as she doesn’t deserve them. She should know your worth and treat you like an ex rather than a friend.
It’s not too late to start no contact, Theodore. In fact, starting it late is better than never. So stop communicating with her and you’ll finally start letting go of hope.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. I went into no contact again last week. I told my ex that I needed time
You did the right thing, Theodore.
You can heal now!
Zan
When you say tell the ex to leave you alone and they will, just isn’t true.
I told her this over 40 times.
I said leave me alone. Also I got rid of my sim, I closed my Skype, but she emails me everyday.you can’t just assume everyone is the same, and saying never contact again will work. Everyone is different.
She opens new email accounts to contact me.
Hi Natch.
Dumpers with mental health issues sometimes don’t leave their exes alone after the breakup, but usually, it’s dumpees who do that because of their anxiety and destroyed self-esteem. If responding is too difficult for you and she isn’t suicidal, continue to block her emails. You need to put yourself first.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello Trish
My ex broke up with my ex in Nov. 2021, she began a relationship with a close friend of her’s the next day. She told me that she had always loved him. She got engaged on Valentine’s day. However she still contacts me with a text message about every 3 weeks since the initial breakup. She usually sends a “Just checking up on you” or “Are you seeing anyone?” Text. I initially would respond to her messages saying I’m ok and that I need time and space. However as the dumpee I feel that my personal life is no longer her concern. I stopped replying to her messages about a month ago. I fell like her boyfriend has no idea that she messages me and that she only messages me out of guilt or validation. I don’t want to block her because I feel like that is a immature, bitter, emotional action.
So I just continue no contact and move forward with my life
Sincerely,
Kevin
My ex girlfriend been broke up maybe like 4& half months we had sex a Couple times but put a end too that any ways she are seeing someone else she still contact me when she feels like it but I ignore her I block her Iāve been told her I donāt want to be your friend and told her to not to call me anymore Iām moving on but she still reach out calling me even tho I got her block but I donāt answer Iām focusing on my career to be a better man I life last time I talk to her I told to leave me alone & be happy with her new boyfriend as she say she is ā¦. I been no contact for 30 days now but she still calls me she call me 12 times this morning itās was crazy she never call me that many time before it usually be 1 or 2 every blue moon ā¦
Hi Coriss.
That’s a lot of calls. Your ex isn’t happy or sure that the new guy is right for her. You should probably stay in no contact so you can get over her for good.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks ššæ appreciate that but I still love her when been together.. 4 years relationship was kind of rocky but I know she did love me sheās younger 24 years old female Iām 35 I feel like our communication was great spending time I think she was just a little bored because I never took it out on dates like that but I appreciate that Iām gonna focus on my career and let the past be the passā¦
Hi Coriss.
If the relationship was not as interesting as she wanted it to be, she could have expressed it to you. Breaking up with someone just because things slow down a bit isn’t a solution.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex always initiates conversations via calls and texting on a fairly regular basis. I never contact him. I refuse to block him because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of blaming me for not following through with being friends after he found someone else. HOWEVER, I decided not to contact him especially after he falsely accused me of trying to sabotage his new relationship. In light of this accusation, he continues to contact me. He confided in me that his relationship is proving to be a challenge and he isn’t sure where it’s going, but I just listen without giving any advice or acknowledge of his insecurities. In short, I refuse to give him emotional support or words of encouragement. I wonder how long it will take for my ex to figure out that I NEVER call or text him.
Hi Trish.
Your ex could continue to message you as long as you respond or until he sees you’re not interested. If you want things to end things completely with him, you have to ask him not to contact you anymore. That’s the most surefire way he’ll leave you alone.
Sincerely,
Zan