If you were in a long-term relationship with your ex (longer than 6 months) and your ex has left you for someone else, your ex essentially monkey-branched from one relationship to the next.
He or she left you for someone new and unknown and now wants to make it work with that person.
Before you go knocking on your ex’s doors and asking for another chance, you need to collect your thoughts and remind yourself that your ex chose to leave for someone else.
He or she left due to high attraction and temptations and won’t come back until his or her new relationship fails. I’m not saying your ex will come back for sure, but your ex will have to date that person and experience life without you.
That’s the only way your ex will be able to compare life before to life after and see if he or she has made a mistake.
I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but you should do your best to avoid making the typical post-breakup mistakes. Your ex thinks that you’re not the right person to commit to at this moment, so you don’t want to annoy your ex and validate his or her reasons for leaving.
You need to keep your pride instead and show your ex that his or her betrayal doesn’t affect you. Remain strong even if you’ve already made some breakup mistakes and are struggling to cope with separation anxiety.
So if your ex left you for someone else and you’re wondering what you should do, don’t do what your heart tells you to do. Do that which is best for your image and try to prove to others, but mostly to yourself that you’ll be okay with or without your ex.
My ex left me for someone else. What do I need to know?
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s rarely a spontaneous decision. Dumpers tend to develop feelings before they decide to monkey-branch and leave their ex behind. They take their sweet time and make sure that the new person makes them feel good and excited.
This is why it’s safe to say that your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend had been in the picture for days, if not for weeks prior to the breakup.
He or she had probably been talking to your ex and getting to know your ex way before your ex was even your ex. Maybe your ex even told you that you have “nothing to worry about” and that you’re just being jealous and overly cautious, but that would imply that your ex was either deceiving you or clueless as to what he or she was doing.
No matter what happened, your ex had been conversing with this new person (possibly behind your back) and emotionally cheated on you. That’s something you must take seriously. You must think about it so that you don’t jump back into a relationship with your ex if/when you get a chance to do so.
Ask yourself whether your ex is even worth the wait and trouble—and if you can trust him or her again. Think about the pain your ex will make you feel if your ex breaks your heart again and leaves again.
One separation was probably enough because your ex doesn’t deserve your trust. At least not before he or she has earned your trust back.
So while you’re processing the breakup, try not to obsess over your ex’s good points and focus on the bad ones instead. If you give it enough thought, you’ll soon detach and see that your ex isn’t the person you thought he or she was.
Whether you like it or not, your ex is a cheater. And not all cheaters deserve a second chance. This is something the rules of no contact may help you understand better. I suggest that you follow them down to the t so you can keep your hope for the reconciliation low and your self-esteem high.
Your ex devalued you and left for someone else
When your ex left you for someone else, he or she no longer loved you. Your ex felt more attracted to the other person and decided to give that person a shot.
If your ex cared about your feelings, your ex would have at the very least ended your relationship and waited a few months before getting involved with other people. But, unfortunately, your ex felt no shame. Or at least not enough guilt and shame to do the morally right thing – which was to give you the respect you deserved.
Your relationship may not have been the most fulfilling relationship in the world, but at least you remained loyal till the very end. For that alone, you deserved to be broken up with like a decent human being and be given closure. But instead, your ex acted on limerence and didn’t think how his or her actions would affect you.
This means that your ex had all the chances in the world to pull back when your ex felt that he or she was starting to develop feelings for someone else.
But your ex chose not to do anything about it. Instead, your ex just went along with it until temptations got out of control and grew from cravings for attention to cravings for affection.
With that being said, here’s why your ex left you for someone else.
So if your ex left you for someone else, don’t sugarcoat the situation. Remember that your ex betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and that you need to judge your ex for the way your ex is, not was. Think hard about your ex’s relationship mentality and whether you can work with a person like your ex.
Heck, you should probably even ponder about whether you want to be your ex’s friend when all of this is over.
Your ex had enough time to think about leaving you
People don’t make an immediate decision to start dating someone new right away. Especially not when the new person is a complete stranger they know nothing about. They need to know the man or woman at least a bit so they can form an emotional connection with him or her and start dating that person.
That’s why when an ex breaks up with you out of the blue, it’s evident that your ex has already gotten to know the new person. Your ex has attraction, feelings, and chemistry with the new person and isn’t thinking about you anymore.
Your ex is too busy enjoying the moment and planning a future without you in it.
Keep in mind that your ex would never kick you to the curb if your ex wasn’t 100% sure that he or she could date this new person.
Normally, by the time an ex breaks things off, he or she is already officially in a new relationship. It’s called monkey-branching from one romantic relationship to the next—and it’s something only people with poor impulse control and low moral values do.
You need to know that your ex has basically emotionally checked out of your relationship without telling you, and probably even exchanged flirtatious messages with this new person.
Such a person is a low-integrity coward. He or she showed you what he or she does when the relationship gets old and temptations become enticing and difficult to resist.
Always remember that your ex’s actions depict his or her personality. They show who your ex is as a person and most likely who your ex is going to be in the future.
Don’t mind the things your ex told you throughout the relationship. Your ex may have promised you the world, but your ex did that only because he or she felt good. Now that your ex is with someone else, your ex is probably doing the same to that new person.
It’s called love-bombing.
When your ex leaves you for someone else, you can be certain that your ex has thought about leaving you long and hard. But just because your ex contemplated leaving you for a while, this doesn’t mean that your ex has made a rational decision. People, especially cheaters tend to make emotional decisions.
It’s the emotions or the lack thereof that enable them to disconnect from their partners and connect with someone else. Emotions whether they admit it or not rule their decisions and actions (make them do stupid things). You need to understand that so you don’t think your ex is a one in a million kind of unicorn.
If your ex cheated and left you for someone else, your ex is just a regular pony. Actually, that would be an insult to ponies. Your ex is an emotion-driven mule.
Your ex disrespected you
If your ex left you for someone else, you feel deeply hurt, sad, and angry. You feel as if your ex has thrown everything away just to get a chance with a random person.
No matter how hurt and angry you are for trusting someone like that, do your best not to get so angry to take revenge on your ex. Revenge may not make you a cheater, but it won’t make you much better than your ex.
You must instead ask yourself, “Do I really want someone like my ex as my significant other? Is my ex the best I can find and deserve?”
If the answer is yes, you must not beg and plead with your ex. Begging will fall on deaf ears and cause your ex to respect you even less.
You need to understand that your ex holds all the cards right now and that the only thing left for you to do is to accept the breakup and leave your ex alone.
It’s okay if you feel lost and disorientated. You’re a human being with emotions after all.
It’s also okay if you tell your ex that you don’t want to be friends and that you are going to leave his or her life for a while.
But no matter what you do and don’t do, please understand that it’s never okay to call your ex names or to get revenge on your ex.
Retaliating in a nasty way will make you as bad as your ex. Maybe even worse.
When you learn that your ex has left you for someone else, you need to cut your ex off as soon as possible. The sooner you put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing and confusing behavior, the sooner you’ll regain the sanity and identity your ex has destroyed.
Just make sure to treat your ex better than he or she has treated you. That will disassociate you from your ex and later (when you’re over your ex) give you the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the breakup better than your ex.
Right now, it probably feels like the new person is better than you and that you’re not good enough for your ex, but that’s not the case. It’s the other way around because your ex is a cheater and doesn’t deserve you.
The best thing you can do is to go indefinite no contact and be prepared to stay in no contact forever. You probably don’t want to leave your ex alone forever because you’re afraid of never hearing from your ex again, but that’s all you can do right now.
No contact is the only technique that will rebuild your self-esteem and hopefully make your ex realize your worth.
So if maximizing your chances of reconciliation is what you’re after, leave your ex alone and focus on yourself. Do this even if you’re extremely anxious and want to stay friends with your ex. As long as you’re hurting, your priority needs to be your health. You can be friends later – once you’ve healed.
Should I stay in no contact for 30 days?
You’ve probably visited blogs that promote the 30-day no contact rule. The idea behind those sites is that you must disappear for 30 days and then message your ex with positive reminders from the past. Nostalgic messages are supposed to hit your ex’s weak points and force him or her to come running.
Some ex-back coaches claim that 30 days is enough time for your ex to stop resenting you/improve his or her perceptions of you and consider coming back.
But the truth is that breaking no contact after 30 days will only push your ex further away. It will show that you feel threatened and that you can’t handle being on your own.
That’s why 30 of no contact is not enough for your ex to miss you and want to be with you again. It’s just something the internet has come up with to prey on the broken-hearted.
So avoid additional heartbreak and stay in no contact longer than that. Stay in it as long as you’re hurt and depend on your ex for recognition.
Stay in no contact!
You must be prepared to start no contact and stay in it until your ex reaches out and expresses a wish to get back with you. That’s when you can talk to your ex again and see if it’s possible to grow strong together.
But until that happens, you just can’t reach out to your ex first. You can’t disrupt your ex’s space and your own healing process.
This is especially true if your ex left you for someone else and disrespected you beyond belief. When your ex leaves you for someone else, you need to take a giant step backward and assess your situation.
You need to understand that your ex stopped seeing a future with you and that your ex needs to learn his or her lessons the hard way – by dating someone else and failing with him or her.
So as difficult as the breakup has been for you, don’t try to reach out ahead of time – while your ex is still discovering whether the grass is greener on the other side.
Contacting your ex prematurely will send your ex a message that you’re still extremely attached and that he or she can take the time to see what else is out there.
This is why you need to maintain no contact at all costs. No contact is difficult and can feel like it’s dragging on forever, but if you don’t take it seriously, your ex won’t take you seriously either. Your ex will see your weaknesses and might even take advantage of them.
Your ex had cheated on you, so you know that your ex is capable of a lot of things.
That’s why you now need to focus on healing and demonstrating that you will not allow your ex or anyone else for that matter to treat you in such a disrespectful way ever again. You need to show that you’re stronger than you used to be and that you understand your worth better than ever before.
Do you really want your ex back?
You now know that when your ex leaves you for someone else, your value significantly drops. You become just an ex whom your ex couldn’t grow stronger with. You become someone your ex wants to leave behind and forget about.
But that’s okay!
Your ex isn’t the only person in the world you can be happy with. On the contrary, there are millions of people you can be happier with. You just need to detach a bit for rationality to return to you. That’s when you’ll see that your ex’s opinion of you doesn’t define you.
Your own perception of yourself is all that matters. And you need to work on it so you can accept the breakup, get out of denial, and fall back in love with yourself. If you don’t fall in love with yourself, you can’t expect your ex to love you or even like you.
Your ex will treat you no better than you treat yourself. That’s the way this world works.
Have you ever heard of the phrase, “How you treat yourself, others will treat you?” I bet you have. It means that when you don’t value yourself, your ex won’t value you either. Your ex will think he or she has made the right decision and that it’s time to move forward with life.
But that’s why no contact is so effective. It shuts your ex out of your life and makes you mysterious. Mystery makes your ex wonder about you and might eventually cause your ex to reach out. You need to stay strong until your ex’s new relationship gets old and/or boring and starts facing issues because that’s when your ex will compare the two relationships and ponder about you in a better light.
I know it can be excruciatingly painful to feel so replaced by this new person and that you’re probably thinking to yourself things like, “He is so much better than me, he has a better job, a nicer car, and is more outgoing.”
You’re either thinking that this person is better—or perhaps the opposite – that he or she is worse and that he or she can’t even compare to you. These kinds of thoughts occur because you feel confused and threatened and want to be the only person who receives your ex’s affection.
If this is what you’re hoping for, know that it’s “normal” to crave what this new person has. You used to get love on a daily basis, so you’re still withdrawing from it. Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to this new person, though.
You have absolutely nothing to gain by comparing yourself to someone who’s not even competing with you.
You need to realize that what you see and hear about your ex’s new partner is mostly superficial. It takes 4 – 6 months for them to get to know each other. That’s how long it will take them to see if they’re compatible and if it’s worth pursuing their relationship.
Of course, they could prolong their relationship even if they’re not good for each other as some couples do that. But that’s why you must stay away from them and mind your own business. You just don’t know what’s going on with their relationship, and you don’t need to know.
But let me assure you that if a shiny car and a great job were all it took to stay happily married, there would be no divorces. People would be able to make their relationships work simply by wanting to make them work. But that’s not how it works.
New couples appear new only while they’re new.
When they get to know each other, they see each other’s bad points and see a more realistic picture. They see that the person they’re dating isn’t perfect and that they have some adjustments to make. If they can and are willing to make those adjustments, they make it past the infatuation phase and fall in love.
And if they can’t, they hit a roadblock and become at risk of breaking up.
Will my ex rebound and want me back?
If you were a nice person, didn’t argue much, and contributed to your ex’s happiness, chances are that your ex will realize he or she has made a grave mistake and come back.
Just because your ex left you for someone else, doesn’t mean that the same or something worse can’t happen to your ex.
As a matter of fact, your ex could get dumped, hurt, and come running back for validation and all the reasons you can think of. The only problem with this is that your ex may not return because of love and regret. Your ex could come back just to patch his or her wounds and take what he or she can from you.
The reason for that is that dumpers are often too selfish and caught up in their own world to reflect. They need to go through something very painful and self-esteem-breaking to lower their pride and change their ways.
So if your ex has left you for someone else, keep in mind that your ex must learn to forgive you as well as himself or herself. Your ex must understand that cheating says bad things about a person and come back to reassure you it will never happen again.
Bear in mind that an ex who wants you back would not control the reconciliation. He or she would happily let you take charge and follow your instructions. It’s important that you stay in control for a while after getting back together so your ex doesn’t take you for granted and leaves when an opportunity presents itself.
Why do dumpers come back?
Dumpers sometimes come back. But as we’ve mentioned earlier, they often come back for the wrong reasons – for themselves.
Some exes come back when their rebound relationship fails horribly and others when they get treated badly by their new partners and life in general and want a familiar and reassuring shoulder to lean on.
That’s when they come running back, apologizing, and asking for another chance. You need to be prepared for that so you don’t accept your ex back on the spot.
Even though your ex may finally see your worth and be ready to treat you the way he or she needed to treat you months or years ago, you need to keep in mind that your ex may just be acting on anxiety and doesn’t really want you for who you are.
Your ex may just need you to lower pain and anxiety and make himself or herself feel better.
It’s safe to say that dumpers simply don’t return because they’re happy with their new lives. They come back because they’re suffering and want the suffering to end.
The best person who can help them with that is their dumpee ex. He or she has been the last person to help them, so all they have to do is pick up their phone and say they’re sorry. That’s how they can distract themselves and get over the issues life threw at them.
So if your ex left you for someone else, bear in mind that your ex might one day come running back to you because you were the only person who cared about your ex as selflessly as possible. You were the man or woman who stayed committed until your ex took you for granted, cheated on you, and broke your heart.
One thing you need to remember though is that when your ex broke up with you, your ex was nowhere to be seen. He or she was enjoying his or her life without you and was busy dating that new person. That means that when/if your ex wants you back, you need to take things slow and let your ex prove his or her worth.
You mustn’t take your ex back as if nothing happened otherwise nothing will change. Your ex will remain the same behavior-wise and could cheat on you or leave you for someone again.
If you think about dumpers’ behavior, you’ll understand that exes always come back to take from the relationship. They want to feel safe and reassured like they did in the past.
Your job as a dumpee is to make your ex work extra hard for your trust so that he or she learns to appreciate you again and invest in you.
When your ex leaves you for someone else and comes back later, you must show incredibly high self-esteem by setting new rules and standards.
Set your conditions so high that the dumper is going to feel that failing to reach your expectations could lead to romantic rejection and pain.
How do I get back with an ex who’s left me for someone else?
I deliberately left the best for one of the last points, because I know most people want their ex to come back at least to validate them. They want to know that their ex finds them worthy of love and that they aren’t bad romantic partners and people.
So without further ado, if you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back after he or she has left you for someone else, the answer is don’t seek validation.
When you don’t seek validation from your ex and remain strong and confident, you can make your ex doubt his or her decision for leaving you. You can make your ex think that you don’t need him or her to be happy and that you’ve got what it takes to deal with the breakup blues.
This on its own won’t bring your ex back, of course, but it will make your ex respect you. It will make your ex see that you’re in control of your life and that you’re focusing on yourself.
And how will that help you?
It will prevent your ex from destroying your worth in his or her eyes and enable your ex to crave intimacy again. But for your ex to want intimacy, your ex’s new relationship will have to fail first. When it does, your ex could want someone strong, confident, and reliable near him or her for support.
So if you’re trying to make yourself look better in front of your ex’s new partner, forget it. You’ll never look better because your ex is likely going through the love phase with that person and can’t see your worth. Your ex will see your worth when your life is going well and your ex’s isn’t.
You should also not strive to make your ex feel guilty and ashamed. Such emotions won’t make your ex come back. They’ll force your ex to run away and enable your ex to attach even worse emotions to your persona.
So if your ex cheated on you and left you for another person, bear in mind that your ex is going through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.
Because your ex thinks that someone new is better suited for him or her, you don’t have a choice right now but to accept the breakup and stay far away from your ex. If anything makes your ex want to be with you again, it’s space, peace, and quiet.
No contact is powerful
When you follow no contact, you indirectly show that you care about yourself more than your ex and that you won’t give your ex a hard time just because he or she treated you poorly.
You show that your life is more important than your ex and that life goes on with or without your ex.
If you don’t do no contact and stay in touch, your ex will think that he or she can get back with you any time and every time. Your ex will assume that you want him or her back and that all he or she has to do is snap his or her fingers.
Call it deceitful if you will, but your ex must not think that you still want him or her back. Dumpers don’t want what they can have. They secretly want to fight for something they can’t have or really want to have. And so does your ex. Right now, your ex is fighting for the new relationship because that relationship makes him or her feel good.
It distracts your ex, empowers your ex, and most importantly, makes your ex’s happy hormones go crazy.
But as time goes on, your ex will stop feeling elated and reach a more calm, neutral stage of a new relationship. That’s when your ex’s relationship will go through the make it or break it phase.
What if I don’t want my ex back anymore?
Even if months go by, you’ll probably still want your ex back. A few months are not enough for you to get over your ex and not want your ex’s validation anymore. Most dumpees get over the breakup about 8 months or so after the breakup.
This depends on the intensity, length, and complexity of the relationship.
But time in no contact will either help you detach completely and find someone better or if you can’t find someone better, keep your ex as an option.
Since breakups are so hard they could kill you, you will likely want your ex to validate you and come back.
You will crave your ex’s love and attention so that you can get a boost of happy hormones and feel secure and happy with yourself again.
This means that your ex-addiction is likely going to stay present for quite some time.
And if so much time goes by that you realize you don’t want your ex back anymore because your ex has treated you terribly, then it’s probably for the best.
Leaving an ex who treated you poorly behind takes courage and is the right thing to do.
Invest in yourself
Now you know that there is nothing you can do directly to get back with an ex who’s left you for another person. You can’t beg, threaten, play jealousy games, and talk to your ex’s family to get another chance.
This doesn’t, however, mean that there is no work to be done.
There is always something to work on in no contact. Whether it’s correcting your shortcomings, making new friends, getting a better job, participating in more activities, or doing something that moves your life in a positive direction, you must stay busy.
This post-breakup time certainly isn’t the time to stay still and wait for things to change. By all means, grieve and do what it takes to get back on your feet. But once you deal with the shock of the breakup, start living your life again.
Staying active will return your strength and make you feel glad to be alive.
So always remember to stay busy. That way, you’ll get over your ex as quickly as possible and maximize your chances of reconciliation.
Did your ex leave you for someone else? How did your ex do it? Let us know below the post.
And if you want to talk to us about it privately, sign up for coaching with us here.
Hi I was with my ex for 7 months Everything was great at first We communicated went on dates met each others family I loved him and I thought he was in love with me to we started making plans for our future and everything but then out of no where things went left communication was off and we didn’t really see each other He told me he had a lot going on and I really trusted him so I didn’t think nothing of it Long story short he left me for someone else but still wanted to remain good friends I tried it cause I really loved him and I wanted to communicate with him but I couldn’t do it cause I wanted more then that And it was hurting to know that the person I love loved someone else so eventually I told him we had to cut each other off…..So the question that run through my head now are Why did he do this too me if I was nothing but good to him?? Why did he find somebody else instead of just talking to me?? Is he really happy with this other person?? Will he come back?? If he loved me why would he hurt me like this??Did he ever love me or did he use me??
This article helped out a little bit I’m Day 4 into the No contacting so everything is still a fresh I want nothing but to talk to him but I know I shouldn’t….it’s so hard:(
Hi Lexis.
I can’t answer all the questions for you, but I can tell you that he lost attraction for you because he met someone else.
Since he wasn’t strong enough mentally, he forgot about your good qualities and attached to the new girl. He lacked self-awareness.
Also, he didn’t hurt you on purpose. He merely acted selfishly and irresponsibly.
I think that he loved you all the way until the end.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan, I have been with my ex for 3 years since high school. Two weeks ago she broke up with me saying she has lost feelings for me and she even told me it was not because of another guy, but 2 weeks into the no contact rule, I found out that she has been texting a guy she met in college and they have been flirting for a few weeks before the break up. I will be going abroad for my studies soon so she told me that the reason of the break up was because that she lost attraction to me and don’t see a future in long distances relationships. I wanted to contact her after the no contact rule, but now having realise she left me for someone else, I feel the disrespect and betray, and I feel that I should never contact her again.
Hi Chris.
Unfortunately, you’re right. She lost attraction for you because she’d met another guy and flirted with him.
You should retain your value and keep your self-esteem and never contact her again.
She emotionally cheated on you and showed you how little she respects you, Chris.
So don’t beat yourself up for her mistake as it has nothing to do with you. It defines her as a person instead.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I was with my ex for 2 and a half years and he broke up with me two months ago. Before he broke up he met another girl, and during the first month of break up he still acted like we were still together and started dating secretly this other girl. I found out from someone else a few weeks ago, and now I feel terrible. The problem is that I still have to maintain communication with him because we have an 8 month old baby, and we’re having trouble with that because he only assumes his responsibility to the extent that it doesn’t interfere with his “private life”. Any advise on what to do to maintain communication as minimum as possible?
Also, I’m having trouble processing the whole situation. I still miss him sometimes, and I can’t quite grasp the fact that he would do something like that, it was all really sudden and I never thought he would act so selfish with me, when I’ve tried to talk about the situation with him he just says that it’s over and there’s nothing to talk about anymore, he definitely doesn’t care, but it hurts to realise that. I don’t know how to get over him… I wish I could do it as quickly as he did it with me. I also don’t know how to reconstruct my self esteem again, this situation has made me feel really crappy about myself. Also, I’m worried about my baby meeting this other girl, because she definitely knows what she got into (I wrote to her telling her about all the things my ex did during that month) and she doesn’t care, and personally I don’t find her a good person to be around my child.
I am in the same situation as you..but u have to be strong..it’s always doubled when there is a child involved …but karma is something it hits you when u least expect it …don’t bother with him your child will grow up and see him for what he truly is…..I promise you that all wounds heal over time and that’s only if you want to heal
hey zan, everything i’ve read is so true en very helpful… i was in a relationship for almost a year, when my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of mine, then he dumped me, but he has known her only for one week ( he dumped me 2 weeks ago). He was crying and said he wanted to stay close and remain friends, but he posts pictures with here ( allready) and kisses her in front of me. I don’t know what to do because i don’t know him like this and i don’t understand how he could go from wanting to be friends to this unrespectful behavior. He was also my best friend and now he’s just so mean… i’ve send him a letter saying how i’m feeling and he said he would answer this, but he still hasn’t done that. He also blocked me on social media and send me one last (angry) message saying i’m bad-mouthing him, which is not true! He seems so lost and i just want the real alex ( his name) back and not this one, i also want to be friends because he knows me the best, but i don’t know what to do. Also he is 19 years old ( i’m 20) but this new girl is 25 and i don’t seem to get what’s so special about her.
Charlotte, I’m sorry he’s behaving this way towards you. That is not how a friend treats a friend. But you can’t control his behaviour. You can however stop putting yourself through this painful contact with him. At this point let go of the idea of being friends with him. You don’t really want to be his friend, you want more.
Having any sort of contact with him is going to injure you further. You need to protect your own heart from this person. Don’t contact him. Don’t look at any pictures or messages he posts. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. It’s only been two weeks. Give yourself time away from him and anything that has to do with him and you will become stronger and will need him less. Focus on friendship with other people and let them know you better. Good luck, Charlotte!
Hi Charlotte.
You need to wait for their relationship to end. Since he doesn’t respect you one bit, you should use this time to detach from him and think about whether you really want him in your life.
He’s no good as a friend right now, so give it some thought.
You’ll soon realize your worth and hopefully, make the right decision.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi!
I was with my ex for 8 years. We ve been childhood best friends 7 years before we started a romantic relationship, so we’ ve been in each others lives for more than 15 years. We are both in our 30s now. We were deeply in love and had so many plans for the future.
3 months ago without any prior indication or conversation he broke up with me saying he fell out of love and didn’t want me in his life anymore. I was shocked but I accepted it, until one month ago when I found out he left me for someone else. They ve been speaking months before we broke up. I felt betrayed and I contacted him and told him how much he hurt me and destroyed me and how much I love him etc.. he never responded back.
So, it’s 3 months since the break up and 1 month no contact from my side ( he never spoke to me after the BU).
I know they are not together anymore and he is completely heartbroken and begs her to come back to him. It feels like I never existed. Do you think that this was just a quarter life crisis and thats why he acts so cold and immature to me and eventually will reach out when he will “grow” by himself or is it completely over?
Thank you so much!
Krista, he will reach out to you again. Once that happens, you can decide for yourself whether or not you want him back after the way he treated you. Let him be for now, experience life and heartache. Take care of yourself in the meantime.
Thank you so much!!Have a nice day!
I don’t think you should even be thinking about him coming back l.but if he do .dont accept him no matter how much feelings u have ..when ur heart broken ur mind plays tricks ..please keep ur feelings in check cause to me any many that decide to leave for someone else or cheat on you when y’all are in a committed relationship .do not deserve you..know ur worth!!
My wife of 6 months (6 years together) left me unexpectedly. We were happy and had future plans that we talked about 2 weeks prior she saying she needed space for no apparent reason. She said I didn’t give her attention or love because we don’t spend time together the past 2-3 weeks. During that 2-3 week span she started to hang out with some co workers who people told me that they were bad influence. I talked to her about the girls she was hanging with and she said don’t worry. I asked my boss to change my schedule to fit with my wife schedule and my boss agree. I just had to wait 2 more weeks. When I told her we are going to be okay my boss agreed. She replied it’s too late I want a divorce. My wife became a different person and never gave me an opportunity to fix the issue. She never gave a conversation just wanted a divorce and didn’t want to tell any family member. She left just 2weeks after with no explanation and was upset I told the parents we were getting a divorce. She lied to me and later I found out she was cheating on me with one of the coworkers who is a female. 3 days later on social media she was calling her BABY!! everyone is in disbelief for her being so disrespectful. 6 weeks have passed and me, my family and her own family haven’t heard from her. Sister attempted to call but the new girl answered saying who do you want to talk to!? I’m so depressed I gave her everything Possible and she just left In 2 weeks with a female co worker she just met.
Hi Jay, I’m sorry that you feel so depressed. Your (ex-) wife walked away from you easily, so let her walk. You gave her everything you could. But love isn’t a transaction. You don’t have to give and give, to get love in return. If they love you, you don’t have to give them anything, except being you. That would be enough for them, just to be near you. Your (ex-)wife choose to be with someone else. You can’t control what she does or chooses. She choose to lose you: Well, her loss. You say that she left without an explanation. Her leaving IS the explanation. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She lied to you and it’s very understandable that you are in disbelief. It’s hard when you trust someone only to find out that they betrayed that trust. Focus on yourself. Know your worth, your respect, your value. And stay strong. Take care.
Hi Zan,
My partner of 7years and I broke up in February. After talking and seeing each other she said in May she wants to try again and I agreed. I considered that as us getting back together. In August she ended it with me saying she doesn’t love me and that she is already seeing someone else. We have been in contact since because of our dog and property but conversations always end up being a fight about what happened. She has been extremely cold and distant with me. She recently told me she has a boyfriend (probably the same person from August). She denies that we ever got back together in May. Even when I have tried to be civil she has been mean to be, holding resentment that I gave our dog to her family. I love this girl but no matter how I approach the matter she treats me like she wants nothing to do with me. We are no longer connected on any social media. I want to make it work but everything I’ve tried has failed. Any advise?
Hi Jack.
Your ex is never going to give you a chance if you keep pestering her.
So let her date whomever she wants and wait for her to contact you.
When she does, talk to her normally and avoid arguments at all costs.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve left her alone, told her we shouldn’t speak unless we genuinely want to. She’s reached out several times since asking me to pay for dog things but I have not responded as it’s not mine anymore. Giving her space and not engaging in the conversation as previously she said we won’t be talking about the dog again.
Given the 7years we were together, is there a chance she might genuinely reach out?
Jack
Hi Jack.
She will likely reach out to you in the future.
But when she does, it probably won’t be about reconciliation.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan, I’m so glad I found you. My girlfriend hasn’t told me straight up, she did say the day she left for a cruise that she originally wanted me to go on, but I couldnt afford, that there was another man, who went on said cruise. We had a very hot, tender relationship for 5 out of 6 months, the last month she changed almost completely, distant
I help and live with my 91 year old mother, who was cold to S. S. Had a lot of plans for us, she spent a lot of money getting me nice clothes, we took a 5 day trip together and bought engagement rings at Black Hills, which was entirely her idea.
Soon after we got back she changed, stopped wearing her ring, told me we had gotten the cart before the horse. Oh, great, but I was too blind or unwilling to see what was happening.
Today I went back to her house and took all of the pictures and cards back, which I had taken over there when this happened. I didnt want her to hate me, and thought this might facilitate a reunion.
So I’m glad I read this. I can see her non respect of me. She has had 4 divorces, but had been with her husband who died 3 years ago for 19 years. But they were both Mormons, and I am not. That was a major issue. I am rambling now so`I’ll finish.
Thank you again, please feel free to give me any pointers.
Kelly in Idaho
Hi Zan, I’m in a relationship with my ex for 8 years. Im his first love and he is my first love too. Everything is fine until we are in a LDR and we argue a lot but the argument last for few hours then we are in a good mood already. The problem is
First, He has been cheated on me for 2 years (I just knew it 2.5 years later when this girl reached me and they already broke up because this girl knew she has been cheated so she left my ex-2years relationship)
Second, He cheated on me again with different girl but I just found out 6 months later (he is in a relationship with that girl for 6 months), I did contact that girl but it turns out that my ex cheats her too and saying that he is single and never had a gf before and a lot of stuff including his personal life. But this time, after I found out about his new relationship, he left me for this girl.
I still love him even though I had blocked him from all social media and phone number for 2.5 weeks already. I would like to know will his new relationship last as he met the girl’s parent just like what he did to me before. Will he come back to me?
My girlfriend left me for someone else, she blamed it on not wanting commitment, then me when I pointed out I had issues again with my depression she said it was that.
Turns out she met someone and wasn’t looking but met her and got feelings. I was dumped on a Sunday by Friday they aren’t dating so she says but she is seeing someone.
I did the text I mean we had been together two years.
We then text as friends how I learnt about this girl and her name …. told her right now I need time for me and time away so on the no contact.
She says she has closed the door on us. Will she still feel the stuff in the article. A lot I identified with, so thanks.
Hi Vic.
Nobody knows if she’ll think better of you in the future. We’ll have to wait for things to develop.
Best,
Zan
Thank you for this article! I also wonder about what Ann posted. My ex and I were broken up, he gave multiple excuses for the breakup like in your article about that. But after 6 weeks of no contact, reached out to test the waters. We were long distance after the break-up (I moved away). I responded casually and the communication increased and continued for 3 months, when he really wanted to plan a trip together. He was much more excited than me. We planned the trip, and a week before he said something came up with work, so he had to cancel. A few weeks later, I found out that the truth is that he had been seeing another girl also long distance with him in that time (granted we weren’t together). And that she wanted to meet him, so he chose to meet her instead of me. He knows I found out, and was silent for a few weeks but then emailed as if nothing had happened, and continued to even though my responses were short. This happened when he was with her, why do you think?
It turns out it’s not working out with the other girl, and I hear from him more. It seems I’m the back up (after a 5 year relationship), yet he was never sure of his decision to break up after he did, so kept in contact and kept me in the dark.
So I’m also wondering about the post by Ann. How would one respond without condoning the behavior?
Hi Katie.
When your ex was talking to that other girl, he was still in the early stages of a new relationship. He was still getting to know her so he wasn’t fully invested into her yet.
And now that his relationship with her is failing, he will probably continue making plans with you.
You need to understand that some things are out of your control. You can only be your best self and respond in a way that doesn’t hurt you or him.
Also, I’ve responded to Ann’s comment about your concerns.
Kind regards,
Zan
Your articles are so helpful! I desperately wonder, don’t you think being friendly and positive if he reaches out lowers your self respect and makes him think you’re accepting of his behavior? And allow him to think “She responded friendly after what I did, I can get her back anytime?” If he wouldn’t stand for being left for another, he must know that a friendly responses from me would indicate I was still receptive?
If he does reach out, shouldn’t he jump through hoops and have to beg for forgiveness, before being given the time of day for conversation with me? And then have to prove through his actions that he won’t leave again for another?
Ive read so much online but not one source seems to address this, and I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Hi Ann.
That’s a very good question.
Here’s my explanation.
An ex who breaks up with you more often than not blames you for the separation. He will prove to himself and others that you’re at fault and hold on to a negative image of you.
So when you ignore him or show him that you’re still the person you were prior to the breakup, you merely confirm that he’s made the right decision.
Your repetitive actions can make him really angry because he’s not in a depressed dumpee state. He’s annoyed and angry for “being mistreated” so imagine what treating him badly again could do to him.
But yes, if he comes back in the future, that’s when you really need to stand up for yourself and say, “Hold on partner, you’re not just going to walk back in as if nothing happened” and show him you respect yourself more than him.
Kind regards,
Zan
So,i have been in relationship with my gf for 2 years,and we are doing Long distance..i’ve only met her like a full day of 2 weeks then i leave cause i had to work..so basically what happen is,latetly almost 5 months i have been busy of work,i cannot give much attention as before,so she kinda felt bored,and got a close boy friend who can give her the time and attention that she wanted,slowly but surely she became more comfortable with this guy(called him A),so when we had a fight,she want to break up cause she dont love me anymore,at first i dont believer her coz i thought she just mad,but then 1 week later i knew from her friend that she already have a boyfriend,and that boyfriend is the A guy..so this A guy and my ex is also in Long distance too,my friends has told me that she’s just bored with you and she got someone that can give her all attention she wanted..so basically im on the NC for 1 week now,and will continue to do so,but sometime i just can’t ha dle to think about my ex,and i want her back..
Hi Mike.
It’s okay to think about her. But try not to become obsessed with her.
She’s with A now so you need to focus on yourself for now.
Stay strong and keep healing!
Best,
Zan
Hey me and my ex were Together for 5 months and a month into the Relationship he cheated on me but he swears he loves me he broke up with me for another female and then broke up with that female for another female and he swears she a blessing also I’m am currently 7 months pregrant he tells my cousion to call me and check up on me in a stalker way instead of checking on me himself he’s the one that wanted a baby but now I’m really sad that he left me and the baby alone what should I do well he come back he thinks his new girlfriend is way better than me
Hi Raihannah.
Your ex will first have to give his new girlfriend a try. And if they don’t work, you might hear from him. So focus on yourself for now.
Best,
Zan
I was in a relationship for 4 years and in a long distance. He ended our relationship by saying that we have too much differences. I had no choice but to accept his decision and apologize to him for not being enough and being a burden for him 4 years. It hurt me a lot because I feel like mostly it is my fault. A few months later I discovered that he already has a new gf and I told him that I’m happy for him. Unfortunately, he dumped me just to be with her. It was really scary to go through all of this. That’s the last time I reached him out, I really wish that my time was not wasted.
Hi Han_Na.
It’s never just one person’s fault. Relationships take two to tango.
You’ll find someone who won’t give up on you and will want to work through the difficulties.
Best,
Zan
Hi i broke up with my ex 3 months ago.In fact he broke up with me because he said we have no conection anymore and he for bored.Found out he met this girl with who he is Having a relationship now.We were living together for 6 years and i had to get my stuff and leave.I was living in Spain because of him,now thinking to go back to my home Country not sure…i am S-o lost.He reached it to me few times to check if i am ok and says he would like to keep talking to each other.At this point i dont know what to do.Took all mu stuff from His apartment and now we stopped talking for a week.If i move country means ITS all over.I dont want to go back on His terms either.Please advise what to do.
Hi Ana.
Believe it or not, but I was in your situation once.
I strongly suggest you go back to your country, spend some time with your family and heal.
Once you feel better, you’ll be able to decide whether you want to go back to Spain or stay at home.
Kind regards,
Zan
This is the best post-breakup article I have ever read! Thank you for great advice and tips – I can’t express how much it helped!!
Thank you, Elena.
I’m glad you liked it.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I was actually wondering about your opinion on the following: do you think a no-contact rule can potentially work with players? If the ‘monkey-branching’ is a style of life that it looks to me as we a player wouldn’t care about the dumpee, moreover, would be grateful if they are left alone for good. What is your view?
My relationship with my ex was not a long-term, four months only, and I believe my replacement was found after only two months of active dating. In that case it just looks like nothing would work and the player would just go on with his lifestyle.
Anyway, would be interesting to hear what you think.
thanks
Hi Elena.
A person with a poor relationship mentality will probably date and leave many people and continue this pattern until something stops it.
Whether the no contact rule truly works really depends on what the person is like. If he’s a true player, then perhaps not. But then again, you don’t want that person as your long-term partner anyway.
4 months is a short-term relationship. He left before he even got to know you completely.
That’s why I suggest that you forget him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for the article, it helps me a lot on seeing the big picture here. Still I have some questions.
My ex and I broke up a month ago when she left me for someone else. They’re in a long distance relationship since the new guy live in another town, they know each other for quite sometime and they started the relationship when my ex was on a vacation.
I tried to do the no contact right after I found out about them, but after 4 days, my ex reached out and told me that she and I shared a connection that she didn’t want to lose, but it’s not romantic connection for her. She wanted us to stay friends, and doesn’t want me to have any feeling toward her. However last week, we had sex. She said that being with me brought up some of the old feeling, but she doesn’t want me to have false hope because she will not leave her new boy friend for me. And then she goes cold.
I don’t understand what exactly on her mind, and what I should do next, since I’m still madly in love with that girl. Do you have any advice?
Thanks in advance.
Hi Anh.
It’s not so much a matter of what you do anymore. It’s about what you don’t do.
Don’t react negatively, jealous, needy, or demanding. That will kill your chances immediately.
As she said herself, her relationship needs to go down its corse without you in it.
That’s why all you can do is wait for their relationship to fall apart and be her better option when it does.
Kind regards,
Zan
Nine years ago me and my ex started of as best friends and became lovers after a year. This lasted 8 years (with being married for one year). We were in a co-dependent relationship (I found that out later, never heard of it, she was the codependant, she made me one).
Apparently six months ago (so six months after our marriage) she felt her feelings slipping away (according to her because I did not gave her enough affection) and was not attracted to me anymore (she never told me). Now six months later she cheated on me and left me for this other guy. She sees me as her best friend again, and not as her lover.
She also wanted to break free from the co-dependant stuff (finally). Because of the relationship we had, I kinda lost my identity and energy (which made me unattractive) and was not able to fulfill her needs (I was so tired after 8 years of saying yes to everything). I made a whole study of what went wrong. And I am sure we can have a good and healthy relationship now. Because our communication was bad and I was not strong enough, I was avoiding conflict all the time by setting no boundaries. I learned my lesson.
She still loves me and we are definitely soulmates. But yes… she is in love with somebody else… But she acknowledges that maybe in the future we can get back together stronger and healthier.
Are we looking at months or years?
Hi Thomas.
If I had to guess, I’d say you’re looking at years of space and distance from your ex.
She loves you as a friend right now and not as a partner. So until she gets in a relationship/s that is worse than yours was, you’re going to stay separated.
Best regards,
Zan
I was with my ex for 8 years 9 months ago we got into a fight and she left we still saw each other everyday back in March she opened up her social media lied.. as June came around she wanted to end it we went on vacation in August came back found out she’s been seeing someone else every time I try to get away she calls me or emails me saying She misses me loves me n etc and that messes with me n makes me wanna beg n talk to her again and then she goes back to the other guy n just says she’s confused i want my family back as we have a 5 year old son I do want my family but I do not accept being a 2nd choice please advice on what I should do and how I can win my respect n family back.
Hi Murtiza.
She’s being indecisive about your relationship with her.
So for her to make a decision and come back to you, her relationship with the new guy has to end first.
Stay in no contact and wait for her to message you once it’s over.
Kind regards,
Zan