My Ex Messed Me Up Mentally, How Do I Recover?

It’s very common for breakups to mess us up mentally and emotionally. Breakups have devastating effects on us as they cause a blow to our self-esteem, confidence, and direction in life.

They completely blindside us and tell us to forget our hopes and dreams and start from scratch. But because we’re not ready to accept the new reality and let go of our ex, we enter the stage of denial in which we crave reassurance and support from the person who is least likely to give it to us.

Because our ex can’t or doesn’t want to love us strongly and continuously, our brain immediately stops supplying us with happy hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin) and forces us to experience intense withdrawal symptoms.

These symptoms include anxiety, fear, panic, depression, nausea, shaking, diarrhea, anger, nostalgia, loneliness, emptiness, denial, headaches, changes in weight, lack of sleep, stomach ulcers, intrusive thoughts, and much more.

Every dumpee experiences happy withdrawal symptoms in different parts of the body and to different extents. But generally, how strong these effects are and how long they last depend on the dumpee’s self-esteem, attachment to the dumper, and what the dumpee and the dumper do after the breakup.

If they stay in touch and talk about the dumper’s new relationship, for example, that tends to trigger the dumpee’s fears and takes away more hope for reconciliation than the dumpee is capable of losing. Consequently, the dumpee spirals deep into depression and needs to process the new turn of events before he or she can continue to heal.

Many scientists compare love withdrawals to drug withdrawals as the abrupt discontinuation of happy hormones creates painful yearnings for happiness.

Addicts would give anything for the pain to stop and be replaced with positive feelings.

And dumpees would too. They’re dependent on their ex for the continuance of love hormones that derive from validation, affection, attention, support, bonding, and hope.

Some would do literally anything to get another chance with their ex and stop hurting—and I don’t blame them. The breakup messes them up mentally and makes them think their ex is the best person they ever dated.

Because of such beliefs, dumpees often make breakup mistakes and try their best to impress their ex and receive approval from their ex. We could say they try desperate, often manipulative things to get their ex to care and feel better.

Some dumpees beg and plead for a second chance, promise to do better, play jealousy games, and threaten their ex, whereas others settle for friendship, play it cool, and reach out from time to time in hopes that their ex will notice and like the changes they’ve made.

Their goal is to prove their ex wrong and change their ex’s mind.

Almost all dumpees initially want their ex back. They don’t like feeling abandoned and unworthy, so they want their ex back mainly for validation purposes. They think they love their ex when in reality, love’s got nothing to do with them wanting to reconcile.

The reason they chase their ex is that they want to avoid pain and feel accepted and secure.

Every reasonable person knows that someone who abandons a relationship isn’t worth their time and effort. The quitter deserves nothing but silence from them.

Dumpees don’t always carry their low self-esteem into the relationship with their partner. Their self-esteem often decreases in the relationship due to the dumper’s avoidance, abandonment, or unhealthy post-breakup treatment.

That’s why dumpees need to learn how to survive without their ex’s presence and love by rebuilding their life in such a way that they find healthier things to rely on for happiness. This can be anything from hobbies, friends, and work to therapy, meditation, and exercise.

It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s not their ex or another person.

Today, we talk about what to do if your ex messed you up mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, or in any other way.

My ex messed me up mentally

If your ex messed you up mentally and you want to recover and move on, the first thing you need to understand is that you shouldn’t try to get even with your ex. Revenge may temporarily give you power and boost your sense of control, but it won’t last forever.

You’d probably be surprised if it lasted longer than a day or two.

So remember that revenge is not the solution to your breakup pain. If you want to feel better and grow as a person in the process, you must start by learning why the breakup hurt you so badly.

You must do this by understanding how the breakup made you suffer, how your ex made you suffer, and how you made yourself suffer.

You can write things down and make a table similar to this one.

As an outsider, I lack insight into your relationship, breakup, and your life, so I can only tell you that breakups are painful on their own. Dumpees and dumpers don’t have to do anything to make them painful.

But if they do handle them poorly (let’s say dumpers blame dumpees and dumpees rebound with someone), they can make breakups much more difficult than they have to be. Dumpees can suffer multiple emotional setbacks and blame their ex for messing them up mentally.

So that dumpees don’t suffer, dumpees must learn how breakup dynamics work and what they must do to recover as quickly as possible. They can do this by reading breakup material on the internet, talking to a therapist, or listening to people with healthy breakup advice.

Friends and family aren’t always the most reliable in this regard as they can be afraid of telling the dumpee the truth. They typically don’t want to crush the dumpee’s heart and take his/her hope away, so they say things like, “Give him a couple of weeks and then talk to him. Maybe he just needs some time to think things through.”

Such advice gives dumpees hope, which is the source of their unhappiness. It’s the empowerment that both delays their healing as well as keeps them from losing their sanity and acting on impulse.

For dumpees to heal, they must find a balance between being hopeful and losing hope. They must do this by controlling how much hope they invite into their system.

Too much hope can trick them into thinking their ex will return and prevent them from making any personal changes whereas too little hope can trigger their separation anxiety, fears, and feelings of worthlessness.

To balance things out, dumpees must distance themselves from things that tell them their ex is coming back and embrace slightly more realistic relationship outlooks. This isn’t easy to do (especially if the breakup just happened), but it’s crucial for dumpees’ acceptance and recovery.

When I got dumped. I was very hesitant about reading content that stated I needed to accept the breakup. I was in denial, so I preferred things that gave me hope. But as time went by, I realized my detachment wasn’t happening fast enough, so I switched to articles that explained why my ex treated me horribly and what I could have done better.

That was the best decision I made as it allowed me to stop thinking my ex still loved me.

I’m telling you about the importance of losing hope because hope is two-faced. It makes you feel that it’s there to help you, but it’s actually making you dependent and miserable. If you had no hope, you probably wouldn’t care about your ex anymore.

You’d have better people and things to obsess over.

But sadly, hope always dies last. You’ll probably feel hopeful and want your ex back until you don’t feel that way anymore. On your healing journey, you’ll have moments when you feel nostalgic, sad, and hurt and moments when you’re doing fine and don’t care about your ex and who he or she is with.

This tug-of-war battle between a feeling of hope and a feeling of hopelessness is very much expected. You shouldn’t expect your healing to be linear because only detached people experience it. But then again, detached people have little or no healing to do.

Normal dumpees, on the other hand, have to go through stages of grief. Two steps forward, one step backward is probably what you can expect.

So if your ex messed you up mentally, do what it takes to prevent your ex from messing with your brain again. Take your ex’s ability to hurt you away by starting no contact and dealing with breadcrumbs when they arise.

That way, you’ll keep your hopes as low as possible and allow yourself to get used to living without your ex.

Don’t get me wrong, even if you do everything right, you’ll still think about your ex obsessively. But as you stay in no contact and do the things you enjoy, you’ll begin to notice that your ex’s bad behavior and absence don’t affect you as much as they did anymore.

That will be a sign that you’re regaining your strength and independence and handling the breakup well.

With that said, here’s what to do and not to do if your ex caused you emotional distress.

Can a bad relationship cause mental illness?

A bad relationship or the end of a bad relationship can definitely cause a mental illness or make an existing illness worse. It can cause anxiety problems, depression, suicidal thoughts, anger issues, panic attacks, PTSD, eating disorders and other anxiety disorders, and all kinds of addictive behaviors.

Every relationship (good or bad) affects us as well as our next relationship. It may not be a lot, but it alters our thinking, expectations, and the way we handle difficulties.

The worse our breakup experience is, the higher the chance that we’ll suffer and project our insecurities and problems from the previous relationship onto the next one.

That’s why it’s important to heal and learn from our mistakes before we dive into a relationship with someone else. Those who don’t take the time to heal usually rebound as they share their problems with their new partner.

So yes, a bad relationship can cause mental illnesses, complications, and problems. It can make it hard for dumpees to relax, trust new partners, and be the people they want to be.

Do your best not to let your ex affect your perception of yourself and your quality of life. Your ex doesn’t have the privilege to dictate how you live your life. You’re in charge of your life, so find a way to gain control of it.

If your ex hurt you badly, step away from your ex and heal. Don’t contact your ex and expect him or her to take responsibility. It probably won’t happen as long as your ex feels victimized and overwhelmed.

You need to find a way to forgive your ex for hurting you and then forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself for the things you did or could have done better. Now is not the time to blame yourself and react to your ex’s ill-treatment.

It’s time to put it all behind you and discover your worth and place on Earth. You can do that by signing up for therapy and journaling.

Many dumpees think journaling is a waste of time, but those who have given it a try know it’s actually one of the best methods for healing and making personal changes.

Journaling allows you to:

• Say what you want whenever you want
• Put your feelings down in the form you want them to be
• Express yourself as if you spoke to a person
• Take your words seriously and rewire your brain
• Track your progress and gather the determination to keep healing and evolving

Give journaling a go if you feel that your ex has messed you up mentally and that you need healing. You’ll heal quicker that way and feel much better.

You can do many things to heal from a difficult breakup. It comes down to how much effort you’re prepared to put into it.

Thanks for reading. Let us know how your ex messed you up mentally and what you’re doing to recover in the comments below.

And if you want our help, sign up for a coaching session here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.