If you were in a long-term relationship with your ex (longer than 6 months) and your ex has left you for someone else, your ex essentially monkey-branched from one relationship to the next.
He or she left you for someone new and unknown and now wants to make it work with that person.
Before you go knocking on your ex’s doors and asking for another chance, you need to collect your thoughts and remind yourself that your ex chose to leave for someone else.
He or she left due to high attraction and temptations and won’t come back until his or her new relationship fails. I’m not saying your ex will come back for sure, but your ex will have to date that person and experience life without you.
That’s the only way your ex will be able to compare life before to life after and see if he or she has made a mistake.
I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but you should do your best to avoid making the typical post-breakup mistakes. Your ex thinks that you’re not the right person to commit to at this moment, so you don’t want to annoy your ex and validate his or her reasons for leaving.
You need to keep your pride instead and show your ex that his or her betrayal doesn’t affect you. Remain strong even if you’ve already made some breakup mistakes and are struggling to cope with separation anxiety.
So if your ex left you for someone else and you’re wondering what you should do, don’t do what your heart tells you to do. Do that which is best for your image and try to prove to others, but mostly to yourself that you’ll be okay with or without your ex.
My ex left me for someone else. What do I need to know?
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s rarely a spontaneous decision. Dumpers tend to develop feelings before they decide to monkey-branch and leave their ex behind. They take their sweet time and make sure that the new person makes them feel good and excited.
This is why it’s safe to say that your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend had been in the picture for days, if not for weeks prior to the breakup.
He or she had probably been talking to your ex and getting to know your ex way before your ex was even your ex. Maybe your ex even told you that you have “nothing to worry about” and that you’re just being jealous and overly cautious, but that would imply that your ex was either deceiving you or clueless as to what he or she was doing.
No matter what happened, your ex had been conversing with this new person (possibly behind your back) and emotionally cheated on you. That’s something you must take seriously. You must think about it so that you don’t jump back into a relationship with your ex if/when you get a chance to do so.
Ask yourself whether your ex is even worth the wait and trouble—and if you can trust him or her again. Think about the pain your ex will make you feel if your ex breaks your heart again and leaves again.
One separation was probably enough because your ex doesn’t deserve your trust. At least not before he or she has earned your trust back.
So while you’re processing the breakup, try not to obsess over your ex’s good points and focus on the bad ones instead. If you give it enough thought, you’ll soon detach and see that your ex isn’t the person you thought he or she was.
Whether you like it or not, your ex is a cheater. And not all cheaters deserve a second chance. This is something the rules of no contact may help you understand better. I suggest that you follow them down to the t so you can keep your hope for the reconciliation low and your self-esteem high.
Your ex devalued you and left for someone else
When your ex left you for someone else, he or she no longer loved you. Your ex felt more attracted to the other person and decided to give that person a shot.
If your ex cared about your feelings, your ex would have at the very least ended your relationship and waited a few months before getting involved with other people. But, unfortunately, your ex felt no shame. Or at least not enough guilt and shame to do the morally right thing – which was to give you the respect you deserved.
Your relationship may not have been the most fulfilling relationship in the world, but at least you remained loyal till the very end. For that alone, you deserved to be broken up with like a decent human being and be given closure. But instead, your ex acted on limerence and didn’t think how his or her actions would affect you.
This means that your ex had all the chances in the world to pull back when your ex felt that he or she was starting to develop feelings for someone else.
But your ex chose not to do anything about it. Instead, your ex just went along with it until temptations got out of control and grew from cravings for attention to cravings for affection.
With that being said, here’s why your ex left you for someone else.
So if your ex left you for someone else, don’t sugarcoat the situation. Remember that your ex betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and that you need to judge your ex for the way your ex is, not was. Think hard about your ex’s relationship mentality and whether you can work with a person like your ex.
Heck, you should probably even ponder about whether you want to be your ex’s friend when all of this is over.
Your ex had enough time to think about leaving you
People don’t make an immediate decision to start dating someone new right away. Especially not when the new person is a complete stranger they know nothing about. They need to know the man or woman at least a bit so they can form an emotional connection with him or her and start dating that person.
That’s why when an ex breaks up with you out of the blue, it’s evident that your ex has already gotten to know the new person. Your ex has attraction, feelings, and chemistry with the new person and isn’t thinking about you anymore.
Your ex is too busy enjoying the moment and planning a future without you in it.
Keep in mind that your ex would never kick you to the curb if your ex wasn’t 100% sure that he or she could date this new person.
Normally, by the time an ex breaks things off, he or she is already officially in a new relationship. It’s called monkey-branching from one romantic relationship to the next—and it’s something only people with poor impulse control and low moral values do.
You need to know that your ex has basically emotionally checked out of your relationship without telling you, and probably even exchanged flirtatious messages with this new person.
Such a person is a low-integrity coward. He or she showed you what he or she does when the relationship gets old and temptations become enticing and difficult to resist.
Always remember that your ex’s actions depict his or her personality. They show who your ex is as a person and most likely who your ex is going to be in the future.
Don’t mind the things your ex told you throughout the relationship. Your ex may have promised you the world, but your ex did that only because he or she felt good. Now that your ex is with someone else, your ex is probably doing the same to that new person.
It’s called love-bombing.
When your ex leaves you for someone else, you can be certain that your ex has thought about leaving you long and hard. But just because your ex contemplated leaving you for a while, this doesn’t mean that your ex has made a rational decision. People, especially cheaters tend to make emotional decisions.
It’s the emotions or the lack thereof that enable them to disconnect from their partners and connect with someone else. Emotions whether they admit it or not rule their decisions and actions (make them do stupid things). You need to understand that so you don’t think your ex is a one in a million kind of unicorn.
If your ex cheated and left you for someone else, your ex is just a regular pony. Actually, that would be an insult to ponies. Your ex is an emotion-driven mule.
Your ex disrespected you
If your ex left you for someone else, you feel deeply hurt, sad, and angry. You feel as if your ex has thrown everything away just to get a chance with a random person.
No matter how hurt and angry you are for trusting someone like that, do your best not to get so angry to take revenge on your ex. Revenge may not make you a cheater, but it won’t make you much better than your ex.
You must instead ask yourself, “Do I really want someone like my ex as my significant other? Is my ex the best I can find and deserve?”
If the answer is yes, you must not beg and plead with your ex. Begging will fall on deaf ears and cause your ex to respect you even less.
You need to understand that your ex holds all the cards right now and that the only thing left for you to do is to accept the breakup and leave your ex alone.
It’s okay if you feel lost and disorientated. You’re a human being with emotions after all.
It’s also okay if you tell your ex that you don’t want to be friends and that you are going to leave his or her life for a while.
But no matter what you do and don’t do, please understand that it’s never okay to call your ex names or to get revenge on your ex.
Retaliating in a nasty way will make you as bad as your ex. Maybe even worse.
When you learn that your ex has left you for someone else, you need to cut your ex off as soon as possible. The sooner you put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing and confusing behavior, the sooner you’ll regain the sanity and identity your ex has destroyed.
Just make sure to treat your ex better than he or she has treated you. That will disassociate you from your ex and later (when you’re over your ex) give you the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the breakup better than your ex.
Right now, it probably feels like the new person is better than you and that you’re not good enough for your ex, but that’s not the case. It’s the other way around because your ex is a cheater and doesn’t deserve you.
The best thing you can do is to go indefinite no contact and be prepared to stay in no contact forever. You probably don’t want to leave your ex alone forever because you’re afraid of never hearing from your ex again, but that’s all you can do right now.
No contact is the only technique that will rebuild your self-esteem and hopefully make your ex realize your worth.
So if maximizing your chances of reconciliation is what you’re after, leave your ex alone and focus on yourself. Do this even if you’re extremely anxious and want to stay friends with your ex. As long as you’re hurting, your priority needs to be your health. You can be friends later – once you’ve healed.
Should I stay in no contact for 30 days?
You’ve probably visited blogs that promote the 30-day no contact rule. The idea behind those sites is that you must disappear for 30 days and then message your ex with positive reminders from the past. Nostalgic messages are supposed to hit your ex’s weak points and force him or her to come running.
Some ex-back coaches claim that 30 days is enough time for your ex to stop resenting you/improve his or her perceptions of you and consider coming back.
But the truth is that breaking no contact after 30 days will only push your ex further away. It will show that you feel threatened and that you can’t handle being on your own.
That’s why 30 of no contact is not enough for your ex to miss you and want to be with you again. It’s just something the internet has come up with to prey on the broken-hearted.
So avoid additional heartbreak and stay in no contact longer than that. Stay in it as long as you’re hurt and depend on your ex for recognition.
Stay in no contact!
You must be prepared to start no contact and stay in it until your ex reaches out and expresses a wish to get back with you. That’s when you can talk to your ex again and see if it’s possible to grow strong together.
But until that happens, you just can’t reach out to your ex first. You can’t disrupt your ex’s space and your own healing process.
This is especially true if your ex left you for someone else and disrespected you beyond belief. When your ex leaves you for someone else, you need to take a giant step backward and assess your situation.
You need to understand that your ex stopped seeing a future with you and that your ex needs to learn his or her lessons the hard way – by dating someone else and failing with him or her.
So as difficult as the breakup has been for you, don’t try to reach out ahead of time – while your ex is still discovering whether the grass is greener on the other side.
Contacting your ex prematurely will send your ex a message that you’re still extremely attached and that he or she can take the time to see what else is out there.
This is why you need to maintain no contact at all costs. No contact is difficult and can feel like it’s dragging on forever, but if you don’t take it seriously, your ex won’t take you seriously either. Your ex will see your weaknesses and might even take advantage of them.
Your ex had cheated on you, so you know that your ex is capable of a lot of things.
That’s why you now need to focus on healing and demonstrating that you will not allow your ex or anyone else for that matter to treat you in such a disrespectful way ever again. You need to show that you’re stronger than you used to be and that you understand your worth better than ever before.
Do you really want your ex back?
You now know that when your ex leaves you for someone else, your value significantly drops. You become just an ex whom your ex couldn’t grow stronger with. You become someone your ex wants to leave behind and forget about.
But that’s okay!
Your ex isn’t the only person in the world you can be happy with. On the contrary, there are millions of people you can be happier with. You just need to detach a bit for rationality to return to you. That’s when you’ll see that your ex’s opinion of you doesn’t define you.
Your own perception of yourself is all that matters. And you need to work on it so you can accept the breakup, get out of denial, and fall back in love with yourself. If you don’t fall in love with yourself, you can’t expect your ex to love you or even like you.
Your ex will treat you no better than you treat yourself. That’s the way this world works.
Have you ever heard of the phrase, “How you treat yourself, others will treat you?” I bet you have. It means that when you don’t value yourself, your ex won’t value you either. Your ex will think he or she has made the right decision and that it’s time to move forward with life.
But that’s why no contact is so effective. It shuts your ex out of your life and makes you mysterious. Mystery makes your ex wonder about you and might eventually cause your ex to reach out. You need to stay strong until your ex’s new relationship gets old and/or boring and starts facing issues because that’s when your ex will compare the two relationships and ponder about you in a better light.
I know it can be excruciatingly painful to feel so replaced by this new person and that you’re probably thinking to yourself things like, “He is so much better than me, he has a better job, a nicer car, and is more outgoing.”
You’re either thinking that this person is better—or perhaps the opposite – that he or she is worse and that he or she can’t even compare to you. These kinds of thoughts occur because you feel confused and threatened and want to be the only person who receives your ex’s affection.
If this is what you’re hoping for, know that it’s “normal” to crave what this new person has. You used to get love on a daily basis, so you’re still withdrawing from it. Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to this new person, though.
You have absolutely nothing to gain by comparing yourself to someone who’s not even competing with you.
You need to realize that what you see and hear about your ex’s new partner is mostly superficial. It takes 4 – 6 months for them to get to know each other. That’s how long it will take them to see if they’re compatible and if it’s worth pursuing their relationship.
Of course, they could prolong their relationship even if they’re not good for each other as some couples do that. But that’s why you must stay away from them and mind your own business. You just don’t know what’s going on with their relationship, and you don’t need to know.
But let me assure you that if a shiny car and a great job were all it took to stay happily married, there would be no divorces. People would be able to make their relationships work simply by wanting to make them work. But that’s not how it works.
New couples appear new only while they’re new.
When they get to know each other, they see each other’s bad points and see a more realistic picture. They see that the person they’re dating isn’t perfect and that they have some adjustments to make. If they can and are willing to make those adjustments, they make it past the infatuation phase and fall in love.
And if they can’t, they hit a roadblock and become at risk of breaking up.
Will my ex rebound and want me back?
If you were a nice person, didn’t argue much, and contributed to your ex’s happiness, chances are that your ex will realize he or she has made a grave mistake and come back.
Just because your ex left you for someone else, doesn’t mean that the same or something worse can’t happen to your ex.
As a matter of fact, your ex could get dumped, hurt, and come running back for validation and all the reasons you can think of. The only problem with this is that your ex may not return because of love and regret. Your ex could come back just to patch his or her wounds and take what he or she can from you.
The reason for that is that dumpers are often too selfish and caught up in their own world to reflect. They need to go through something very painful and self-esteem-breaking to lower their pride and change their ways.
So if your ex has left you for someone else, keep in mind that your ex must learn to forgive you as well as himself or herself. Your ex must understand that cheating says bad things about a person and come back to reassure you it will never happen again.
Bear in mind that an ex who wants you back would not control the reconciliation. He or she would happily let you take charge and follow your instructions. It’s important that you stay in control for a while after getting back together so your ex doesn’t take you for granted and leaves when an opportunity presents itself.
Why do dumpers come back?
Dumpers sometimes come back. But as we’ve mentioned earlier, they often come back for the wrong reasons – for themselves.
Some exes come back when their rebound relationship fails horribly and others when they get treated badly by their new partners and life in general and want a familiar and reassuring shoulder to lean on.
That’s when they come running back, apologizing, and asking for another chance. You need to be prepared for that so you don’t accept your ex back on the spot.
Even though your ex may finally see your worth and be ready to treat you the way he or she needed to treat you months or years ago, you need to keep in mind that your ex may just be acting on anxiety and doesn’t really want you for who you are.
Your ex may just need you to lower pain and anxiety and make himself or herself feel better.
It’s safe to say that dumpers simply don’t return because they’re happy with their new lives. They come back because they’re suffering and want the suffering to end.
The best person who can help them with that is their dumpee ex. He or she has been the last person to help them, so all they have to do is pick up their phone and say they’re sorry. That’s how they can distract themselves and get over the issues life threw at them.
So if your ex left you for someone else, bear in mind that your ex might one day come running back to you because you were the only person who cared about your ex as selflessly as possible. You were the man or woman who stayed committed until your ex took you for granted, cheated on you, and broke your heart.
One thing you need to remember though is that when your ex broke up with you, your ex was nowhere to be seen. He or she was enjoying his or her life without you and was busy dating that new person. That means that when/if your ex wants you back, you need to take things slow and let your ex prove his or her worth.
You mustn’t take your ex back as if nothing happened otherwise nothing will change. Your ex will remain the same behavior-wise and could cheat on you or leave you for someone again.
If you think about dumpers’ behavior, you’ll understand that exes always come back to take from the relationship. They want to feel safe and reassured like they did in the past.
Your job as a dumpee is to make your ex work extra hard for your trust so that he or she learns to appreciate you again and invest in you.
When your ex leaves you for someone else and comes back later, you must show incredibly high self-esteem by setting new rules and standards.
Set your conditions so high that the dumper is going to feel that failing to reach your expectations could lead to romantic rejection and pain.
How do I get back with an ex who’s left me for someone else?
I deliberately left the best for one of the last points, because I know most people want their ex to come back at least to validate them. They want to know that their ex finds them worthy of love and that they aren’t bad romantic partners and people.
So without further ado, if you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back after he or she has left you for someone else, the answer is don’t seek validation.
When you don’t seek validation from your ex and remain strong and confident, you can make your ex doubt his or her decision for leaving you. You can make your ex think that you don’t need him or her to be happy and that you’ve got what it takes to deal with the breakup blues.
This on its own won’t bring your ex back, of course, but it will make your ex respect you. It will make your ex see that you’re in control of your life and that you’re focusing on yourself.
And how will that help you?
It will prevent your ex from destroying your worth in his or her eyes and enable your ex to crave intimacy again. But for your ex to want intimacy, your ex’s new relationship will have to fail first. When it does, your ex could want someone strong, confident, and reliable near him or her for support.
So if you’re trying to make yourself look better in front of your ex’s new partner, forget it. You’ll never look better because your ex is likely going through the love phase with that person and can’t see your worth. Your ex will see your worth when your life is going well and your ex’s isn’t.
You should also not strive to make your ex feel guilty and ashamed. Such emotions won’t make your ex come back. They’ll force your ex to run away and enable your ex to attach even worse emotions to your persona.
So if your ex cheated on you and left you for another person, bear in mind that your ex is going through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.
Because your ex thinks that someone new is better suited for him or her, you don’t have a choice right now but to accept the breakup and stay far away from your ex. If anything makes your ex want to be with you again, it’s space, peace, and quiet.
No contact is powerful
When you follow no contact, you indirectly show that you care about yourself more than your ex and that you won’t give your ex a hard time just because he or she treated you poorly.
You show that your life is more important than your ex and that life goes on with or without your ex.
If you don’t do no contact and stay in touch, your ex will think that he or she can get back with you any time and every time. Your ex will assume that you want him or her back and that all he or she has to do is snap his or her fingers.
Call it deceitful if you will, but your ex must not think that you still want him or her back. Dumpers don’t want what they can have. They secretly want to fight for something they can’t have or really want to have. And so does your ex. Right now, your ex is fighting for the new relationship because that relationship makes him or her feel good.
It distracts your ex, empowers your ex, and most importantly, makes your ex’s happy hormones go crazy.
But as time goes on, your ex will stop feeling elated and reach a more calm, neutral stage of a new relationship. That’s when your ex’s relationship will go through the make it or break it phase.
What if I don’t want my ex back anymore?
Even if months go by, you’ll probably still want your ex back. A few months are not enough for you to get over your ex and not want your ex’s validation anymore. Most dumpees get over the breakup about 8 months or so after the breakup.
This depends on the intensity, length, and complexity of the relationship.
But time in no contact will either help you detach completely and find someone better or if you can’t find someone better, keep your ex as an option.
Since breakups are so hard they could kill you, you will likely want your ex to validate you and come back.
You will crave your ex’s love and attention so that you can get a boost of happy hormones and feel secure and happy with yourself again.
This means that your ex-addiction is likely going to stay present for quite some time.
And if so much time goes by that you realize you don’t want your ex back anymore because your ex has treated you terribly, then it’s probably for the best.
Leaving an ex who treated you poorly behind takes courage and is the right thing to do.
Invest in yourself
Now you know that there is nothing you can do directly to get back with an ex who’s left you for another person. You can’t beg, threaten, play jealousy games, and talk to your ex’s family to get another chance.
This doesn’t, however, mean that there is no work to be done.
There is always something to work on in no contact. Whether it’s correcting your shortcomings, making new friends, getting a better job, participating in more activities, or doing something that moves your life in a positive direction, you must stay busy.
This post-breakup time certainly isn’t the time to stay still and wait for things to change. By all means, grieve and do what it takes to get back on your feet. But once you deal with the shock of the breakup, start living your life again.
Staying active will return your strength and make you feel glad to be alive.
So always remember to stay busy. That way, you’ll get over your ex as quickly as possible and maximize your chances of reconciliation.
Did your ex leave you for someone else? How did your ex do it? Let us know below the post.
And if you want to talk to us about it privately, sign up for coaching with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My partner who I was running a yoga studio with left me for a student. We had been friends 2 years prior our relationship and then lived together for 2,5 years. The break up took me by complete surprise. I was noticing he was giving that girl more attention, but they didn’t seem to have chemistry and not a good match, other than sharing some hobbies. I never saw her as competition, thought she was boring, but was annoyed with my partners interest to spend time with her. She broke up with her partner last November and moved out. He invited her over to our house, I cooked for her, we went for a walk together. It was his suggestion to invite her, to get to know her, as she was having a hard time with her breakup. I was bored again, also didn’t get the impression they were hitting it off. In December everything seemed fine and we were on a beautiful vacation. In January I started to feel more and more depressed, partly due to lockdown and partly because I sensed my partner slipping away. I went for a weekend trip end of January and when I came back my partner seemed completely switched. Suddenly more and more annoyed with me and suddenly suggesting breakup. Two weeks later he didn’t come home after staying the evening with that student. He claimed it had nothing to do with her, he slept on her couch, that he isn’t interested in her and it was just because he needed space from us, she was just a pal. I went away again after this incident and he broke up with me on the phone. In the course of separating I was staying in our apartment, that I was supposed to leave. He kicked me out of our shared studio business and in the meantime he stayed with that student. I thought it was inappropriate, but he just claimed it to be practical. I still thought that nothing could ever happen between them, and that he wouldn’t just stay with her if he was seriously interested in her, as this would be too rushed for a serious relationship. It took me several months to find a new place to live. In that time we still saw each other, he would come by and help me with things and just before I moved out he said it wasn’t all over for him and he was still attracted to me. So I left with the feeling we would work things out. But then I didn’t hear from him. That was beginning of June. Also when we saw each other before I moved out he mentioned that the girl wanted to give up her apartment and maybe share with him, as a shared flat, but that he didn’t really feel like sharing with her. He told me odd things, like that he had adjusted his diet according to hers and that she wanted to buy the same shoes as he has. I found it all completely weird, pointed out how inappropriate that is if she would move in after I moved out. He said it’s none of my business, but that I should know that he loves me and he misses me, that working together was just not working for him and that he needed time and space. A month later she moved in with him, which he told me when he saw me this week. He still didn’t tell me they were a couple, even though I asked why she moved in already. Only after confronting him about his odd statements when seeing me, like he suggested to go out with him and everyone (including that student) after we hadn’t figured out anything between us. So I confronted him by text message and that’s when he finally told me that they are together now, after it was so amazing living together, they wanted to keep living together while she is still his student. I was in shock to read the message as still up until this point I did not see her as a potential partner for him, really just a pal, as she is also a bit masculine in some ways and really didn’t seem like his type at all. I would even comment on her big thighs and ugly tattoos. I confronted him with his ways of deceiving me and asked why he told me it wasn’t over. He said it was a misunderstanding of mine, that he meant it was over. It felt like gaslighting. He said this relationship with her is what he wants, that we are just not a good fit and he wasn’t happy in our relationship and that now he is happy, because living with her was so great. It means he had not a single day on his own since our breakup and went directly to live with a student that is now his new partner and tells him what to eat. In the same message exchange he told me that he has still feelings for me. It’s a nightmare. This is when I decided to go completely no contact, block him, block everything related to the studio, even deleted all photos of him, which I never had to do with a breakup because it didn’t bother me so much. I am still in shock because we had such a close and trusting relationship. I never expected so much dishonesty and him being such a coward. I also never expected him to just ease from one relationship into another without giving himself some space. I got completely exchanged by someone who is quite the opposite of me and also no one I would ever be close friends with. When I last saw him, he didn’t even look happy or so, not like someone who is newly in love. Anyhow, I am reading these articles now to take no contact very seriously. I feel like the person I knew died. I feel completely deceived and disgusted. Worst part was that he wanted me to stay friends and be happy for him/them, and even hang out with them in a group whilst he still claims to have feelings for me. I never experienced something so self involved, with zero boundaries and zero respect about how this would make me feel. I had also pointed out to him, that every time he spoke about that woman it didn’t sound positive, more like complaining about her, so I never would have guessed that he wanted to be with her. And he said he didn’t want to tell me how great they get along to not hurt me. I am so disgusted by that. Also for her, telling me he has feelings for me while she lives with him. Also he left the images of us as a couple on our yoga instagram account. I blocked this account too. I can’t help but think of her sleeping in our bed. I also think of their relationship failing. I cannot believe it was about her the whole time. He still got upset with me by text, that it’s because of some personality trait of mine that he cannot be with me even though he loves me. I lost part of my job, my relationship and apartment because of this whole thing. We talked about getting old together, it was amazing what we did together, and he binned it for that woman that cooks for him and shares some extra hobbies and wears the same shoes. Wonderful. I am doing my best to control my mind and focus on my successful life now. It’s hard and I never expected this to happen in a million years. I usually have a good self concept and cannot believe such a woman just slipped in and took my place within a few weeks/months and just merged into his life like this. He hasn’t dealt with the pain of what wasn’t working between us at all and seemingly did zero work on himself. I just hope this all blows up in his face one day when I am already living the life of my dreams.
Hello,
I know my wife for over ten years now,
In 2016 we had a terrible car accident which made her a chronic pain patient.
Untill this year i combined my job and her hospital visits, in 4 long and heavy years i couldn’t come with her 3 times.
2020 she couldn’t bear the pain and suffering anymore and attempted a suicide, she took at that moment on regulary basis 80mg oxycontin in the morning and in the evening 1mg rivotril and a few oxynorm (5-6) a day, her addiction to medication is clear…
At the time of her suicidal attempt i was in a depression myselve, due to the job – hospital situation, even if i didn’t feel that way.
Her attempt made me crash but i held on the fact that i needed to stay strong to help her out. Covid19 also damaged our relation…
With my crash i was becolming distant, grumpy sometimes…
In februari this year she said she wasn’t happy anymore, that it didn’t have anything to do with her love for me but that my behavior towards her…
So we had a break up, at that time i staid at my parents and she lived in our house, i was doing some renovation works, and she had to go to the Kinesist (sorry for my bad english, i’m from Belgium…) a phone went off and since we had both iPhones i thought it was mine…i shouldn’t have opened her whatsapp…. But it was instantanous what i read there broke my heart… ripped of my soul and shredded it into pieces… she was having contact with an African living in Ivory Coast… talking to him she coulsn’t wait to come over… to touch him…. Have kids and marry him… i was thorned apart and attempted to commut suicide myselve…
I confronted her with what i read… she said like explained in this article that it was nothing to worry about…
Few weeks later we came back together everything seemed to be fine… 20th may i had bad dreams about her leaving me and i told her… she said that would be an horrific way to treat me.. later that day i wasn’t feeling great emotionaly and i told her that… i asked her if she wanted really to stay with me of wanted to leave, she replied that everyone was expecting her to stay with me… so i asked her to be honest if she wanted to divorce (we’re married for 7 years next month) and she replied that she wanted to divorce.
I went to work, i’m a busdriver for public transport in flanders ald i cries behind my stearing wheel.. couldn’t hold the tears… made misstakes that day, forgot to pickup passengers or to drop them off.
After work i came home… asked her why, i freaked out, threw pictures of us on the BBQ, destroyed our canvas of our marriage, but i never hurt her…
She called a colleague of mine (which in my opinion had to reply to her that it was none of her busyness) and that guy vame over wanted to talk to me etc… i asked him to leave or that i would punch him in the face…
Police came along also, i took meds and drunk a bottle of alcohol only wanting this to end… the pain… distress
Next day was the day i crashed, i went to work and my bosslady asked me how i was doing, normally i’m emotionally a strong person, but my tears came rolling again in front of her and some colleagues, she told me to go home, to call the doctor in front of her, so i did.
Later on the evening i went to the doctor who diagnosed a burn out and depression and told me it was better for me to go to the hospital for treatment.
I was in the hospital for a month came out a few weeks ago…
I was starting to feel better but had ups and downs, yesterday i had a bad day again, found out she left for a month to Ivory Coast to meet that guy she only had contact with via whatsapp… it worries me i mustt admit… and it hurts now even more. Knowing that she’s a girl all alone there with no one she knows exept that guy she never met in real life… i’m concerned about her security…
Friends we have in common don’t understand what she’s doing, asking what the hell she’s thinking to act this way, and i am also…
For sure i had my faults too… i took refuge since her attempt of suicide in modelling Gundams, and got out of proportion… she complained about that too…
But what i don’t understand is why 1 hard year had more weight than the 9 we had that were awesome (exept covid time with confinement…)
Now i’m having a war going on between my feelings and my mind…. My heart says to take her back cause i love her more than my own life… but my brain says the opposite… to leave her and go on… i don’t know which side will win this war in the end…
I’m reading this article for two days now and it helps, which is kind of strange that the words of this article and the advices give some recomfort, consolation, don’t know how it’s said my apologies if some words are misused.
Ive been with my wife for alil over 10yrs we staying at her moms it all started the last week of November of last year she changed she was going out more with no regards to ask if i wanted to come she dressed sexier than normal …. I then realized and found out she was going off with a dude she dated in middle school. It kept on til 5 days b4 xmas when i confronted her bout it she told me to go fuck myself that it was over she pretty much threw me away like i was nothing but trash and on xmas i see a new wedding band on her finger she tells me they engaged….. I kept telling her all i wanted was her to be upfront and honest with me and talk to me .Recently ive been seeing her and having sex with her she keeps telling me she still loves me and dont wanna lose me and that she needs time cuz she doesnt know what she wanta and we talked about starting as friendship and building into a stronger relationship getting back together and now i find out she was never planning on getting back with me shes been stringing me along playing with and toying with my heart til i finally snap yesterday 1/26/21 i got her to finally admit that she left me cuz she wanted something new and she didnt meant to string me along or play with my heart but there was no chance of u getting back together but she keeps saying she loves me she doesnt wanna lose me she still wants me to be a part of her life….. Im so confused i dont know what to do. a part of me wants to tell her to go fuck herself but another part of me wants to hang on to the possibilty that she will come back….. We are still LEGALLY MARRIED and i told her if i really wanted to be heartless i can claim allimony on grounds of shes been committing adultry but im not that type of guy
My partner of 5 years left me for a girl he works with. I would love to cut all contact to help me heal but I can’t, as we have a son together and he sees him once a week (his arrangement) I obviously want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but it breaks me every time I see him. I suffer from multiple mental illnesses which in turn cause overthinking and obsessive thoughts. I tell myself I don’t want him back, and I don’t. I would never take him back, he was an emotional abuser, a chronic liar and a lousy dad/partner. But I’m still hurt. I compare myself to the girl he left me for and wonder why she was better, and what did I do wrong? I don’t know what to do, I want the hurt to stop because I want to move on with my life.
My ex and I have had feelings for the last 6 years…he ended up getting married and just recently in December got divorced. We started talking, and of course I’m sure he was going out with people to soften the divorce blow. Then he reached out to me…we rekindled those feelings that we’ve had for each other and started going down a path for 5 months, even though it was long distance, most of the time has always been long distance. We made every effort on the phone and I traveled to see him more because my job allows me to work from anywhere. We’ve never had a disagreement or argument….always able to talk about anything. Then suddenly he needed to take a step back and figure himself out, who he is, issues with his kids, issues with family…which lead to very limited contact. Of course my insecurities took over and I texted him a bunch instead of giving him space. Then suddenly I got a text that he was sorry he led me on and that he wasn’t ready. And on the same day posted he was “in a relationship” with the person he was dating before me. Being in disbelief, he proceeded to text me a couple days later to say that he knew he was wrong and that he loved me & that he knows I love him, but that I didn’t deserve his f*cked up head and apologized. Now I’m left with, because of our long standing connection, was I the rebound?? Is the ex a rebound?? After my many texts from being blindsided by all of this, I am now doing no contact….4 weeks in. With lots of reading, I’m now realizing he had many unresolved internal issues & I think the other person allowed him to escape to someone without dealing with his issues. Still the whole thing makes no sense to me…probably never will. Where do I go from here??? Continuing no contact…..
I need help! Please….
I was recently dating a man / seeing him for over 6 months since the beginning of December. I was loyal and I guess the miscommunication was he wasn’t then he chose me over the other after a few weeks of us hanging out and we were basically loyal then later January we were initially dating by mid March, we broke up during covid … I have two girls 9 and 4 me and this guy are both 26. We still talked he seemed to care but just couldn’t deal with the stress And we had trust issues from stuff he’s done I guess, he party’s a lot! End of April beginning of May he moves back and we just connect! My girls and I spent weeks with him out on the ranch. We made so many great memories and were really falling for each other holding each other all night talking laughing and he was just really trying and caring. We’ve had our issues but thought we worked through them. I left last week thinkjng he wanted space he said no i sont I’m trying I want you, I cried and he held me and I said I just feel like I’m going to lose you either way and he said I won’t. I got my girls in the car and went to leave he tried to hug kiss me goodbye but I was feel ling off and just hugged him then I messaged him later like I’m going through stuff eith my ex (baby daddy) don’t mean to seem off and take it out on you, of course I only want you babe. He was distant didn’t reply til the next day then said yes he wanted space. Then we talked on the phone and he said he wanted me and all this when I asked him what happened and so we both agreed to work on our ends and I’d go out tomorrow for Canada day. I texted him abit Canada day but seen he was constantly active the same time on Facebook as this old friend I used to have Mel who lives closer to him our towns are all super close it’s like one community but she’s where he is too. I had a gut feeling maybe they were talking… didn’t let it eat to much he was texting me we were gonna spend the night together and things would be great. I’m about to leave after getting food ready to cook for him and texting him and he randomly texts me can I just come there and stay and it seemed weird. I said sure and we carried abit of conversation eventually I said hurry up I wanna hug you and massage you. Then he sent the heartbreaking text that he’s leaving … I drove out there and he was just so sure when 3 days ago this was what he wanted. So I asked if there someone else he lied…. I then eventually said I heard you hungout with this girl…. he said no… I asked to see messages for peace of mind he declined it was then I knew I then made a speech and then he admitted it and he was leaving me for her, and I just broke hyperventilating crying he kept saying how sorry he was she’s more his person outdoorsy and such , and he’s gonna miss my girls and especially my littlest and he cried. That they can still come out and see him and his dog… like how!? He said these things happen all the time, and I said what cheating leaving people, idc if they happen! You’re supposed to be better than that, how dare you hurt my girls and me, you’re supposed to sit and not give into temptation when people message you or you message them. My friends came and got me I was too distraught to drive. He asked to hug me and we kissed goodbye. The next day I drove out to get my things and when I walked through the door he looked at me and tried touching my hand to say sorry and my phone beeped I read his text, Do you hate my guts? I feel awful, I really hope you’re doing okay. I looked at him like fuck this with tears in my eyes walked to the bathroom and started grabbing my things we followed me to keep saying I’m sorry and I care and I just said no you don’t you do this and my gf walked in and I said I can’t so yhis we grabbed the rest of my things and so forth more conversation happened… More sorrys, and I’ll pay ya for this, and when I went to leave he asked for a hug I said no walked out but then told my gf I had to hug him once more, I walked in said his name and his arms were just open, we embraced and just started crying and he started crying my girlfriend walked in as if you tell him this woman did everything for you and would’ve did anything you’re losing something and someone no would walk the earth for you, you’re losing someone good and crying he said I know. I told him I’ll miss him so much and he said he’d miss me too, he then said he’s so sordy and he cares and I just let go and said you don’t do this and he said my name and I wa alike it’s alright it’s fine. We left. He texted me hours later because my ex and his gf waited for him outside coopers and he felt bad that this girl was talking so much crap about me so he proceeds to say he’s so fucking sorry and to have someone with me at all times. (Whilst he was texting me that he had started texting my gf who came out with me and that to take care of me he’s worried he’ll always be there for me I deserve better she obviously said her two cents and he said there’s things She’s done that are questionable too and he didn’t cheat, so she texted him again to say getting your dick sucked and even responded to messages and hanging out is cheated, this girl will be fine I’ll take care of her. Then I was upset he was trying to make light of it to her so we got into our feelings and he just kept saying he’s so fucking sorry and feels shitty and so done feels like having a melt down then said he’s been in and out of tears fighting with this new girl and he feels so bad, then eventually says he hurts for me I know you won’t believe it but I hurt so much for you more than I thought possible. But then that’s just it. I said see you won’t be able to be there for me or anything I just wish I was enough I wish you felt more for me. No response. I was in the town that night which is 25 mins over having dinner with my boss and her boyfriend walks in saying he saw that girl out on the field with him. So they’ve spent every night together since two days before we left me I don’t see how he can feel bad hold me and cry constantly and then be okay. I want him back. She’s stolen men before she’s not that great of a person and it upsets me he’s doing this. She was the last one to see his cousin alive so I’m sure that’s a connection she’s making and living out a fantasy cause of his last name. But she knew we were together! I messaged her last week. I just don’t knkw what to do, I want him back. The way we look at each other and laugh and hold each other and talk… I thought our souls connected l, my girl’s loved him. I know it was a rocky 6-7 months but the last few had been amazing we really fell, so I thought and I guess he lied maybe idk? But anyone can find a new spark and it be enticing, those don’t last… what do I do? I want him 🙁 will no contact work deactivating social accounts or looking happy on social and no contact?
He told me he’d miss all our memories and like he cried a lot I’ve never seen him cry both Wednesday night and Thursday morning when I was there and kept trying to touch my hands and touch me
Read this, in its entirety, particularly the last few chapters, it will make sense….. I was looking answers about my own behaviors and it turned out my partner might have had bigger issues….
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255
A miracle that happen in my life that God use priest Manuka restore happiness in my marriage. It all happen when I travel to see my mom few months ago when my husband met a Mexico lady who took his attention away from his family and made him seek for a divorce, in just few months I was away, I was driven from our home because of her my husband was lavishing our savings on her that pains was really too much for to bear seeing my man in the arms of another woman, I decided to take decision to save my family from the bondage of this wicked lady. Today am here to tell everyone here that my marriage has been finally restored by priest Manuka who did all he could do to bring back peace to my life again. My advice to anyone who read this testimony never to give up in any situation just ask God for direction and have faith he will lead you just the way I was lead to priest Manuka who help me out of my problem. Once again thank you for you help I will also recommend him to anyone else who needs him for any situation. Here is his contact….. Lovesolutiontemple1@ gmail. com
I was left by my partner ( who is 20 years younger than me) for a girl at work who was 25 years younger than myself ouch… we were ‘seeing ‘ each other for over 3 years, started casual then he met my kids, wed buy each other Xmas / birthday gifts but it never was official! Occasionally I’d ask ‘what are we’ ? When I’d get asked out by men nearer my age, that I liked. He always said he was happy and in his mind we were in a relationship. Then out of the blue a girl from work started calling him excessively whilst he was in my home, he’d reply to her messages but still seemed ok. Because of our unofficial status I didn’t make a fuss, then unexpectedly he said he felt he was holding me back and wanted me to meet someone more appropriate. I was upset but found out a week later he was in a new relationship, I stupidly sext him cause I missed him and he boldly told me he’d moved on and was happy…. I was obviously hurt and upset, especially when the girl had great pleasure finding me on Facebook to send me a warning to keep away… he didn’t hear from me again after that. Occasionally I’d sneak a peak at his Facebook and feel upset as he’d have a profile picture of them together on his page… he’d never wanted anyone to know about us. So I decided I’d never sneak a peak agsjn and moved on. Dated a few guys , I didn’t click with any but I had a really enjoyable half a year… eventually his mum reached out and said he wasn’t happy and had admitted he regularly looked at my insta and Facebook account to see how I was…. I explained I’d got over him and was happy and wished him well. He finished with the girl and immediately messaged me, apologising saying how much he missed our friendship and would be happy if he could at least be friends again… we spoke online but I kept away for a month… we met and it was like we’d never been apart… except he explained this time he would take me seriously and never take me for granted. We’ve been back together nearly 16 months, we’ve been on holiday and been in each other’s families lives… but I won’t lie! I love him but the only advice I can give is until he is faced with the same scenario ( gets close to someone he finds attractive ) but he turns them down, then I cant’t say that he’s changed and I don’t trust him…. which is sad cause I trusted him before
Sounds similar to me. I split up with my ex husband 7 years ago after 15 years together, but in November last year he became homeless & we was getting on really well so I let him stay with me. We became close again & we began seeing each other & sleeping together again. I was happy as I only left him due to a violent episode which was caused by stress & mental health issues. Saying that I left him, I actually said I just want a break to get my head around what had happened & I still loved him. He decided to get with someone after 3 months. I was heartbroken. Anyway back to us seeing each other again, we was both very open to everyone about what happened to cause the break up so maybe this was why he was so secretive about our new relationship. He would never label it. Never have me as a friend on social media either, which made me feel like a secret. I did ask him what he said to his friends about me & he just said that he told them that we were sleep together & if he wanted to be in a proper relationship he would only want me, so in my eyes I felt like we was a couple. Anyway he has been very distant in the last month & told me it’s his mental health & to just get with someone normal & blocked me on everything. I gave him space & waited for him to text me & he messaged me saying I bet you are seeing someone else already. I replied no I had gone to bed which was true. The next day I hoped that we can make up but he blows me out again saying he has plans. He then doesn’t text me for a few evenings as though he has company so stupidly I mentioned that has he met someone else. He replied here we go again. Today I see him and go to cuddle him, he pushes me away and says we are friends & that is it after my last episode. I left and now he says don’t hate me & I will see you tomorrow. He hasn’t denied seeing someone else but he did tell me that he was going home then didn’t. I’m so confused & upset.
What happens when you can’t “no contact” because of shared custody with a kid?
Me, I am in that situation. But, it works for me. No phone calls; just texts. She rambles with long messages. I send simply single word replies. Nothing mean. Nothing hateful. I’ve moved on. She’s bi-polar and screams often over trivial stuff. I haven’t found another woman yet and not in a hurry to either. I want to show my kids that they’re the important ones first in my life. Still, when that special person does show up, it will kind of slam the door on the option for my Ex to re-enter my life. Seriously, I have more on. ‘Act like an adult.’ And, still, what’s best is I don’t have to listen. She complains; I turn and walk away. She has no power over me. She can’t control who, what, or where I go. Things get done on my time. Not her’s. And, lastly, before I forget, I don’t speak bad about her to my kids. There’s no point. They’ll come to their on conclusions when they’re old enough. Also, I figure there’s enough family members on her side that will set the record straight. I have no regrets. Well, I do have one regret. It’s not seeing my babies grow from day to day and the close bonding that I could have with them. But, this is beyond my control. I faithfully pay my support and spoil them to no end when they’re with me. Maybe, in some ways, parenting is a competition on my part, so this, I guess, is a mistake by me; but, that “We have to parent together” lecture is pretty much off of my vocabulary. I guess I should also add: the pictures. That is, pictures of events that I and no longer part of. I have to pretend to smile looking at holiday photos that the kids want to show me of the new family dynamic. “It is what it is.”
Hi
I met one of his female friends one day and we played games together. And one day I started talking to one of them about our relationship and our issues and I also told her stuff about me feeling insecure and that some of people I knew left me and she kept asking me things about my life and all without even telling me to stop. After that my ex boyfriend tells me that she told him everything and he got super mad and hurt cause of that. Days passed and he still was upset, I apologized a few times telling him im so sorry for the issue thats been caused and that I shouldn’t have talked to any of his friends about us or him and i. After that he wants to break up with me and stay apart and be friends and I notice that he tells his female friend everything and shows her convos. I started texting her and telling her that what she has done wasn’t okay and she kept being mean and rude to me, my ex called me that time and messaged me and told me to stop reaching out at her and leave her alone because I involved her (when she basically in the first place involved herself in the whole thing) and that he will block me if I wont stop. So I told him that he can do whatever he wants because he indeed doesn’t love me, if he did he would forgive me right away. She started even telling me stuff like “didn’t your best friend leave you? ; didn’t your boyfriend leave you?; i still have all my friends and i still have my boyfriend” and i showed him what she said and he blocked me right away on instagram and even showed her what I sent to him.
I feel betrayed and cheated emotionally on, I barely can move on from this , I did my best to make up to him and make him feel better, I did drawings for him, I bought stuff for him (he did too).
I don’t know what changed him but i feel like this is a sort of manipulation coming from her , trying to steal my ex boyfriend and blaming everything on me.
She’s a munipulating bad person, if he’s with her they deserve each other, karma sucks.
Hello Zan,
You’ve been very helpful to me with my recent emails and I’m reading your articles daily…..some over and over. But I have a similar situation to John it sounds like. I’m trying so hard to wrap my brain around choosing to leave for someone – allowing a love to die with no effort to move onto someone else. I think I would have some understanding in an unloving relationship where there is intolerable behavior. But not in a relationship where the dumper admitted to feeling very love and supported.
You told John the following about his ex leaving for someone – “Her feelings for the other guy basically convinced her that she feels attracted to him so she consequently, almost immediately stopped feeling love toward you.“. Happened in my case. But how can someone turn it off – stop loving someone? In my case he has hurt and betrayed me. My mind is flooded every minute with memories and pain. I wish I could just turn it off. How does someone who leaves for someone else stop loving their partner? How do they carry on with someone else without their brains being invaded by the relationship they just left?
This happened on valentine’s day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party .
Hi Zan,
Thanks for a wonderful article and an insight for heartbroken people like me.
Me and my ex were together for over 3 years. We worked at same office and belongedto different cultures. He is a Muslim and I’m a Hindu. But inspite of that we had a great time together and bonding too. Never had any fights too due to cultural differences. I was deeply in love with him and he too.
In Oct 2018 when his parents fixed up a proposal for him he broke up with me saying he can’t go against his family wishes. Though he loved me he didn’t mention about me to his parents and got engaged with the girl of their choice.
Post engagement to he kept in touch with me for around 7 months since he was not allowed to talk his fiancee. I too was hoping that we would get back together. But after 7 months he started talking to his fiancee but told me that he still loved me.
When his marraige date got fixed i limited contact with him since there was no action from his end towards we getting together. He got married last month and Im not happy with what has happened.
Though Im in a better state but not completely over him.
Can my case be said that my ex left me for somebody else ? I wonder today if he ever loved me ? We were together for almost 3.5 years ? How could he just get married and move on…
Please advice on this Zan
It may be fate that I got on here. I was in a long term relationship and things fell apart when she left me for another on June of 2018. The recovery phase is long and hard. It’s great to know I had a few inquiries from my mostly the dogs while I never reply back because I chose to stay and fought on their behalf.
The reason people do what they do is usually on their behalf. I realized I had change myself a lot for the other person and I’m glad this had happen. I still think about her once in a while like now about how she’s doing because I’m starting to recover in a way I can put myself in status of Self-Partner. I can lay in bed and don’t feel bad about it because it’s comfortable and I love it.
I believe you will find your way and the universe will come in wonderful surprising way.
Keep reading as I have today to find this article and find you. I have done things spontaneously like how and who I always am like flying to NYC to my favorite restaurant or to Disney World in Florida where I have never been and see my cousin who I have not seen in 26 years since we were kids. It was a blast!
Seek a therapist if needed. Call your best friends! Cry your eyes out! Let out like how we were as a kid. Some odd reason. It makes us feel better like how kids are. Love it! We will have our days and it’s okay. Keep moving forward. There are only 29200 days in our lifetime if we live to 80.
Find your purpose and meaning. Others who share your view will come together.
I realize my purpose finds meaning in service to others. While this takes a lot of my mental energy, I learned to understand to service to myself is also important.
As such, I’m fulfilled being self-loved.
I truly hope the best in your journey. Cheers!
Hi Zan,
I’m currently going through this. I had a relationship with my ex on and off for 3 years. I am 11 years older than him and I literally fed him, gave him a house to stay, fed his dogs, send money to him while he is away and we are off and while he is with girls. He doesn’t have a work and is violent when he drinks alcohol. We almost had a son. We’ve been through hell, we fight and we make up. In those 3 years I never felt loved but only abused and used, physically, emotionally and financially. Because of all the things he did to me, it is inevitable that I cried for help to his friends and told them how bad he treats me. Not a single thing in the house we lived in, he helped. After sometime he started looking for work and he did before holiday of 2019. After coming back from holiday come January 2020, I have seen every clue that he is seeing someone else. He tried so much to lied about it, but he is firm that we are no longer in a relationship. I accepted it but I ask that he should look for a place sooner, he said don’t worry he has started looking. I asked him for only one condition, not to bring the girl at my place. Although he had lied so much about it, and that he is looking for a place with his guy workmate. I know in my intuition it is a woman. I told him one time I will randomly visit the house and warn him of his plans of bringing her at my place. I know he already did many times. I know everything in my house to the smallest detail. However, he is abusing me for looking after his dog. I love our dogs but I don’t want to be stuck in the house just for the dogs. When I told him he can’t make me petsit his dogs he thinks I’m manipulating him. Fast forward after 3 weeks. I got home and caught them having sex at my place. He hid her in the wardrobe, I called the police but the woman is lucky enough to escape. I came to the point that regardless if his dog just gave birth barely a week ago, I have to involved the police for him to be out, because what they did to me is too much. After a few days I called to ask jf he is doing ok, I sent him a message and he replied back nicely. That is why I called, but all I hear is that where am I in the last 3 days. He was saying this new woman was there for him, and I was calling because I want him back and he is very arrogant to say that he will bring any woman at my place if he wants to, so I ask if he ever help me pay the rent or bills. He then started blaming me as always, that he has changed and that I don’t take responsibility. All the responsibility he should’ve done I took it. I paid all the damages in the house, in my car and now struggling to get a new phone and tv. I know much to the point that when he know that he is at fault he will shout and blame me for everything to the point that I will say sorry which he should be the one. He get angry too that I and his dad are using our still birth son to make him think what he did is nowhere right. I never told him about our son, but his dad did. He hate that his dad never condone him and that everybody thinks he is a bad person. We all know he has mental issues but I’m still here willing to help him regardless of what he did to me. I know there are times I mothered him, and that is because he always get into trouble and always check who he is talking to because of his previous cheating. Reading your blog makes me stop to try and contact him again. I do remember he keeps on telling me that I used his innocence and I buy his love and best of all that I can’t live without him.
And calling him, is because I just want to get back to him and manipulate him again. As for now I’m firm with no contact. I sent him a message that I forgave him, hoping he will forgive me too, and I know I will meet him again someday when the guilt and hatred is gone. Giving him a chance to think that despite of what had happened. I never harbour any ill feelings towards him. For now my focus is to stop myself from contacting him in any form and proving to him his thoughts of are me all wrong. I know I should not seek validation from him, but it is better than making him feel like he still has control over me. From now on I control myself and no amount of harsh words from him can put me down. I have planted a good seed and I know I will reap them later.
Jessica (Not my real name)
Are you in California? It sounds like what happened to me.
Hi Zan, sorry if my English is not very good but I have been wondering: Do dumpers take a duel when they leave us for someone? Or do not have time?
I wonder because I was in a 7-year relationship, and yes there were significant changes and we should have talked about it, in fact, I told him and he told me things like: after a while the sexual activity goes down but it doesn’t mean i don’t love you. In fact, in the last months I said: “We are falling apart! We must talk.” I also noticed the typical things of an unfaithful but I guess I didn’t want to see or do i trust on him.
He left me in October with pretexts of stress in his work, that he wanted some time alone, that he thought we should be alone for a season (something he was already telling me for months). The problems rise in tone when I already demanded that we commit or go to live together. Everyone told me that it sounded like he had someone else but nobody really had told me anything until a few days ago people from my family who saw him with someone when I went on a trip, or that in his work it is rumored (and i later confirmed) that he was dating someone very similar to me (the work where I encouraged him to be, I got him contacts, I supported him, we got involved and that’s how he paid me) and a cousin has seen him leave his street early with her new chick in the car (my mother is very conservative and she never allowed me to stay with him at nigth). No one has seen him in public places with her and he told me the last time we talk that he did not want to date anyone, that he wanted to be alone, that he had left me because of my strong character/nature , that i leave him to miss me.
Although I am interested, I think that after learning about the betrayal that I did not deserve because I had given everything to him, I encouraged him to get along with his family, to study, to trust in himself, I got him contacts and all that … I don’t see him the same. Also, when I stopped idealizing it, I realized that maybe he compared myself in the last time with the new chick and asked me to have implants and things like that (which I always refused). Yes, maybe i looked a bit disheveled when i was with him but i didn’t get compliments from him and we didn’t go out anymore. Now I changed my hair, put on nails, dressed well to look good and i know that i attract looks.
But my doubt is that: Do they grieve? I begged him to try and he didn’t want to, he left without telling the truth (and with many lies behind). Did they have their duel? (People say that maybe he had been thinking about it before but … I remember the talks before his change in last May and he still wasn’t that far away).
Oh, and he blamed me for everything. He told me: “why didn’t you take care of us this relationship. I waited 7 years for you to change”. Man, I almost cleaned his ass and I was the one who didn’t care for the relationship. 🙃.
At the beggining of january i made a comment with a person who knows us (my mistake) that it seemed that the separation had not affected him because he was going out a lot with friends. That person told him and another person told me that he said it was something that resonated him and was outraged and after that he thought we could not return (in that time i did not knew about the infidelity).
Dear Zan,
I have found your blog an immense blessing & help to me. I’ll donate as well because you are helping so many people. Here’s my story.
I began dating a woman named “Sue” (name changed for privacy) in April of 2017. We broke up for a week or so three times since that time (& both of us did it). However, we always talked it over & moved ahead. We did not live together (I’m 53 & she is 48 & both of us met years after our divorces). Here’s where it gets odd. She would hug me as I would leave, tell me she loves me, then as I’m driving home I’d receive texts where she would start making accusations & cutting me off totally out of the blue. This happened over & over. I was dumbfounded because it never occurred when we were face to face.
Then in late December of 2019 I broke up with her again after one of these episodes of her telling me she loved me then 2 hours I receive texts accusing me of all sorts of things. It felt like I was dealing with two different people because these accusations were never made to my face, only via texts once I would leave her place & they never made any sense. Anyhow, we got back together again in early January of 2020 & spent are usual weekends together. On Sunday morning, January 19th I made her breakfast after a fun night together (she brought me a love note & gift that weekend as well). She left my condo hugging me & saying, “I love you so much, you’re the best man I have ever had”. Nine hours later she called to tell me she met up with a guy & that they had kissed & she was ending it with me.
This was a woman who touted her honesty to me for 33 months. She was the last person I ever expected to cheat. How can someone make love to you, give you a love note, a gift, tell you you’re the best man etc. etc. then kiss another man on the same day? I even gave her flowers that weekend & she texted me 4 hours before she met this man saying quote “Thank you baby for the great weekend & lovely flowers, I love Youuuuuuuu!”
After she called I told her it was over & hung up. The next day, Monday January 20 she started sending texts saying she loved me (along with her photo. In fact, she always sent her photos every day with her texts, sometimes I’d receive 5-12 photos of her per day & I never quite understood this. Oddly, she would not allow me to take her photo when we were together. But every day she’d send me selfies & as I said, sometimes 10 or more per day.). Tuesday night, January 22 we talked on the phone & she told me she didn’t want to lose me. Then the next day, on Wednesday, January 22 she told me quote “I kissed another man & have lost all attraction for you, it’s over”. I was stunned. She was changing her mind by the hour as usual.
Then I did what you advise not to do (I wish I had found your site prior!). I left a one page letter in her mailbox stating what she did was despicable. I did not call her names, I only stated her actions were disgusting & that I was hurt. I also told her that honest people never cheat & that she destroyed 33 months of trust. I then emailed the man she kissed the day she left my condo (he owned his own business & she told me the name & I sent an email to him via that route). I just told him to be careful dating her & that she’s not what she appears & I told him she was with me during the morning of the day they met up. That was stupid of me so I sent him a brief apology once I calmed down (I never was mad at him, he had no idea what she was doing. I was actually trying to protect him from the same fate as I had suffered. I also sent “Sue” a brief apology letter & have now gone “No contact” after finding your blog. I just wish I had gone “No contact” the day she texted “I kissed another man & lost all enthusiasm for us” (after texting “I love you & feel bad about what I did” 6 hours prior).
Second, she has not contacted me in any form since the last text saying, “I kissed another man & lost all enthusiasm for us” which was 9 days ago. Prior to all of this she texted me about 20-30 times a day plus phone calls.
In short, I guess I messed up but I was so hurt & never expected this person to cheat. I never saw any signs & that’s why I flipped. I also had never had a woman cheat on me…ever & I didn’t know how to process it. However, I have gone full “no contact” and did send the apology to her for contacting her new boyfriend & for acting out in anger in my letter to her that I mentioned earlier where I called out her actions as “despicable”. She never replied.
I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.
Cheers!
John
Hi John.
Thank you for the comment and your contribution.
Your ex-girlfriend seems bipolar to me. One moment she’s happy and lovey-dovey and the next when circumstances change, she shows you her fangs.
She told you she loved you in person when she was alone with you, but when you weren’t there, she most likely texted other guys and felt attracted to them too. If she weren’t doing this behind your back, she would never have lost attraction for you and attached to someone else.
Please note that when your relationship was coming to an end, her loving actions toward you had a purpose. They aimed to soothe her guilt for having feelings for this person, so she never meant what she said.
That’s why you shouldn’t see her last texts as loving, but rather as an attempt to alleviate her bad conscience.
Now that she cheated, you mustn’t make any more post-breakup mistakes. You need to stay in NC and let her date this guy peacefully.
Only time will tell what happens to their relationship and if she ever wants you back.
I suggest that you don’t stick around and hope that she does. You have plenty of work to do on yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
Thank you for the prompt reply. I do have one final question. What made this so puzzling for me & hard to process was she acted no different toward me in anyway during our last time together than she did two years ago. I’ve been in relationships where you can sense the other person is pulling away, doing things differently like an ebbing tide. This was not the case. She was as affectionate in our last meeting before she met up with the man she cheated on me for as she was at any other time, both in words & affectionate acts. How can a person do that?
However, being cheated on & lied to in this manner kills all attraction. Am I grieving? Yes, intensely.
However, I have taken the road of 100% NC & feel good that my last contact with her was the apology for my angry letter (although having re-read it I never insulted her as person, only pointed out the behavior was despicable which it was.) We are not doormats & calling someone out for their willing disregard for basic decency is normal. That being said, I’m a fairly level minded person & will not break the NC. I will learn from this experience & at the moment, have no interest in dating & will NEVER use another person to ease the pain. That is deceit on every level. I’ll do the work, take 6+ months to be whole again while building the best self of me that I can.
I’ll continue to follow your blog & support it. You are helping so many people!
Cheers
John
Hi John.
I think that your ex attempted to stay loyal to you until she realized that she can’t fight her temptations. As a result, she did what she felt she wanted to do and cheated on you.
It was easy for her to do that because of her mentality and a lack of self-restraint. Her feelings for the other guy basically convinced her that she feels attracted to him so she consequently, almost immediately stopped feeling love toward you.
Stay in NC, John.
Your ex has to learn her lesson the hard way with experience, so keep working on yourself and get over her.
One day, when you’ve detached yourself and see her for what she’s done, you will care more about her poor behavior than her good characteristics.
Stay strong and thank you for the support!
Best regards,
Zan
I was married for 30 years with 3 children and my wife left me out of the blue for someone we both knew years ago who had been going in to the store where she worked and she had been seeing behind my back for a mere 10 weeks, literally a few days before i only just kept my job as people were being made redundant at work and a few weeks earlier my eldest child tried to commit suicide.
To make it worse she did this just 3 weeks before Christmas knowing how much i loved Christmas as we always made a big deal about it in our house, my eldest daughter had tried to commit suicide a few weeks before so when i questioned why my wife was acting differently towards me she blamed it on the suicide attempt which looking back is a vile thing to do.
When i got together with my wife she was living with someone else and invited me round for coffee and things went from there which to make it worse is how she started her affair the only difference being that they didn’t meet for coffee in my house.
I had always said to my wife because of how we got together that if ever she fell out of love with me to leave me and not cheat on me as that’s the one thing i couldn’t bare, this wasn’t something i had only said once i had said it continually throughout our marriage.
Things haven’t exactly been smooth since she walked away from her life as if it didn’t even exist so much so that unfortunately i waited outside her works as i wanted answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked only to be ignored from her.
Once she spotted my van she phoned in to work and got 2 men to act as bodyguards and walk her in to work which made me see red and to cut a long story short i ended up in a police cell for the night and was done for assault and have a 2 year restraining order against me as i grabbed her throat for a couple of seconds when she provoked me during the altercation that broke out.
At 53 years of age it feels like my life is over as i have given my wife who was the only woman i have ever loved the best years of my life.
I have lost 5kg in weight, i’m on antidepressants and my emotions are all over the place meaning one minute i’m sad and confused then the next i’m very angry.
I have also found out that if i wanted to divorce my wife and i start the proceedings first it will cost me twice as much as it will cost her, how on earth is that right that someone can commit adultery and not have to pay all the court costs…how is that fair it just makes a complete mockery out of marriage.
I’m so sorry for you. I’m going through a terrible and hurtful breakup very similar to yous. I’m suffering all of the emotions you mentioned, plus loneliness. It’s hell
I am sorry you are going through this. I understand all your emotions. I am 53 y/o and was in a relationship for 10 years, and I met my boyfriend the same way. He was in a relationship and pursued me. I said the same thing to him about being honest and not cheating if one of us ever changed our mind. He was having an affair for months with a much younger girl at work. I questioned his actions/behavior as well because all the signs were there that something was not right. I knew in my heart something was up, however I had no proof. He up and left me right before the holidays as well. He will not talk to me or respond to any of my messages. I stopped trying. It is the most painful feeling and I still am not over it. I cannot stop thinking about him and I miss my life that we had together. It is a huge slap in the face knowing he left me for someone else, and that he does not care about me.
For you, I am sure it is more painful because of a 30 year marriage with children. I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness.
Hi..my girfriend of 10 years broke up with me last august but we’re still living together until november..the month i found out she was having an affair with a co worker..she was still pretending to be my gf until november so i wouldnt find out about the affair..she said she just needed space because she’s been very dependent to me for so many years now..i gave her that space but we still continued to act as a couple without label..i knew something was off and i suspected that someone was in the picture however i ignored all the signs because i love her..i even confronted her about the other guy but she just told me that i am paranoid and that she just needs a little more time to find herself..
When i opened my ig account i was shocked that she blocked me that’s why i went home and confronted her if she was seeing someone else..she admitted that she’s been with the guy since june and told me that we we’re not together anymore that month(but we broke up on aug)..after that confrontation she immediately kicked me out of her house like i was a piece of garbage..it was the second time that she cheated..but every fuckin time she always chooses the other guy.i begged and i pleaded but she made up her mind..i’ve gone no contact for 2 weeks then went to her house to get my things only to find out that the guy she left me with was there in her house..she’s hiding at the other room so that i couldnt talk to her..she just told me to never come back to her house..she didnt even had the decency to pay me the huge amount of money she owed me..i was so devastated..i went into a psychologist..until now after 1month of no contact i still miss her and wishes that she would get back with me..but i saw the other guys social media and his dp was their couple picture..it broke me..but there’s nothing i can do..i did everthing to win her back..i did everything for her..but she chose the other guy..what should i do..she destroyed me..
Your situation is similar to mine,i’ve been with my girlfriend for 6.5 years and she left me for one of her coworkers,discarding me like trash.
In the first instance she was bitchy,calling me paranoid or jealous when i was considering she has someone new.During 8 months after breakup i tried to get back as not sure she’s cheating but when i found out the true i know deep in my heart is a lost cause.Love without trust does not exist.We still live together ,we manage to buy a house just before separaration but is for sale now.Just want to get out of this nightmare soon as i can and run away,never look back.Such persons don’t apreciate a thing,they’re very selfish ,narcisistic behaviour,make you suffer like hell.
Hope we find peace in our hearts soon.
God bless.
Hi..it’s almost a month now from my post..last week i saw my ex in a resto..we just ignored each other..last night i saw her again with the person she left me with in a different resto..i never made eye contact..but i saw her before i entered the resto an they still looked so happy and very much in love..i guess no contact made her realize she didnt loved me..it still hurts because i love her but i cant do anything about it..i still wish that someday she would come back to me..and that i will wake up from this nightmare..one thing though, it didnt hurt that much as last year..i didnt cry..sometimes i think i dont love her anymore..it is just the attachment or the feeling of being love that is making me miss her..
Same story here. My bf of 7 years left me because he said he had many things in his mind, he was not sure of he loves me, i wanted to get marry (he said he can offer mw that) and now he is living the life with a great job… the job that i helped to have. After he dumped, 3 months later i just found out that he was seeing another girl from the job WE dreamed… jesus. He does no know that i know what he did. He told me that i was the person who broke the relationship with my mood… i mean, a relationship is build by two…so inmmature. (English is not my native language, sorry for the mistakes).
Hi,
I was with my ex for 2 years and 9 months… we dated face to face for a year an a half, but he moved away for school so we were at a very long distance relationship.
I was SOOOO in love, I thought he was too, he was so special, we were making plans for the future, talking about marriage, and I thought (well everyone including his family) that he wanted me and loved me so very much. He was calling me everyday, he send me gifts, he talked to my parents about how good I was to him. Long story short I thought we were meant to be.
I visited him 15 days ago, we had the most amazing week, and the day I was leaving he confessed that he cheated on me with a girl he met HOURS before I arrived to his city. He broke up with me because apparently he was confused, but we agreed to say on good terms. A week later of no contact, I realized that he unfollow me from social media and that he is saying everyone that he is in love with this new girl he met a week ago.
I’m broken, I am very angry but also very hurt.
I don’t understand how he claimed 15 days ago that I was the love of his life and hours after that he cheated, and now he unfollowed me and is dating the new girl.
Help…
Need to add: the girl he is seeing lives far away too.
So If the answer was: he left you and cheated you for her because she is near and he was lacking contact, I kind of get it…
But they are having right now a long distance relationship too! I don’t know why he cheated and left me after all the love and support I gave him (and all he claimed to give me) for a new girl that is also at a 4 hour plane distance!!!
Hello Mary,
I’m from India and i was in 9years of relationship
I recently came to know that she might leave me coz she thinks i earns less and can’t give her the secure future
She broke my heart I’m all alone and shattered too
Connect if u wish we can talk and share our problems on
mfateinlove@gmail.com
Good bless us
I was with an ex boyfriend for almost 3 years. We have went through a lot together from the most hard breaking experiences to nothing but laughs and happiness. I was there for him when no one was there for him. I recently had to ask for a break in the relationship to take time to figure things out and for us to work on ourselves so that we can become better for each other. While on this break I found out he started seeing someone new and eventually started dating. During this time it was very hard for me to accept that he could do such a thing when we would always work things out no matter what. A month later I decided to contact him and let him know how I felt about his new relationship and my thoughts. He admitted that he still loved me so as time went by we decided to work things out but then I found out he lied to me saying that he ended his new relationship. The next day he ignored my calls and messages and found out he got back with her. What I don’t understand is why would he do that to me? Instead of being straight up about his intentions or feelings. I’m going through a hard time trying to figure out all these questions I have.
I was with who I thought was the most amazing girl for 1 year, 10 months and 17 days. We spent 6/7 days of the week together, we did everything together, we couldn’t get enough of each other. But then one night, her plans changed at last minute, I was like “ok, go have fun and be safe. I love you”. Then, it happened again. That’s when I started thinking something was up. Come to find out, for almost 2 months she was hanging out with someone else. She left me, but still tried claiming me as hers and threatening to beat up my rebound. I cut off all contact with her. She went to basic training, and I never expected it but she sent me a letter saying how sorry she was and saying how I was better than the new guy and complaining about him, and saying how she wants me back. She cane back from basic, I thought she had changed but she was still the same girl who left me. She then started lying to me about where she was and what she was doing again and gone to find out, she dated a guy for a week. We got back together maybe a month or two after. But her reasoning for leaving me and dating that other guy was because her cousin didn’t like me and she wanted her to be with those guys. She said she didn’t want to be with them and I always told her “If you truly didn’t want them and actually loved me, you never would’ve done what you did”. She always apologizes then asks if we can talk about something better. The trust issue is crazy, I’ll be fine one day then the next, I’m all… crazy. It’s terrible. But, if she lies to me or cheats or leaves again, she’s going to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to her for good.