As we all know, romantic rejections are the worst predicaments most of us go through at least once in our life. They cause us unbelievable separation anxiety, fear, and depression, and force us to experience unbearable pain.
But if you think that there’s nothing worse than hearing your partner say “I don’t love you anymore,” you’re mistaken.
The worst pain you can experience is when your partner cheats on you and monkey branches or when you get ghosted after a serious relationship and have no idea what you did to deserve it and where your ex (a person you got attached to) is.
Please remember that ghosting after a serious relationship is a serious offense and that it has nothing to do with how good and reliable dumpees were.
It has everything to do with dumpers and their ability to deal with suffocation and other unpleasant emotions people encounter from time to time.
By ghosting someone who loves them, ghosters essentially reveal how unprepared they are to handle difficult emotions and what selfish actions they’re willing to take to get what they want and be happy.
They do this because of their self-absorbed nature, extremely poor moral values, and insensitivity as such things prevent them from putting themselves in their partners’ shoes. They make it impossible for them to understand that what they’re doing is wrong and that their immoral actions are going to affect their partners.
So if you got ghosted after a serious long-term relationship and you’re blaming yourself for something you did or didn’t do, stop right away! It’s not your fault your ex ghosted you and showed you how little you mattered to him or her.
It’s your ex’s fault as your ex proved that he or she is incapable of treating romantic partners as well as other people with care and dignity. Your ex probably treats them well when he’s happy. But when your ex feels overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, angry, or worried and needs to resolve his or her problems maturely, all your ex can do is run.
By running, he or she can avoid dealing with a situation only mature people can deal with.
In today’s post, we’ll talk about ghosting after a serious relationship. We’ll talk about what kind of people ghost their boyfriends or girlfriends and discuss why they do it.
What is ghosting after a serious relationship?
Let’s start with the definition of ghosting.
Ghosting is often defined as abruptly cutting off all communication with someone you know. That someone can be a friend, an acquaintance, a romantic partner, or anyone who has become a part of your life and likes being in it.
Most of the time, we talk about one specific type of ghosting – the type when a romantic partner runs away from his or her internal struggles and disappears into thin air.
Such ghosting is called relationship ghosting—and it occurs when the ghoster feels overwhelmed with expectations, guilt, and shame and gets scared of seeing his or her partner react strongly to the breakup. The dumper would rather avoid seeing the dumpee cry, resist the breakup, or do something unpredictable, which is why he or she runs away from the relationship without facing the dumpee and talking the problems out.
The ghoster may come off as a strong person – a person with control, but you need to understand that the ghoster isn’t a strong person. The ghoster operates out of fear of confrontation and fear of the unknown, so technically, he or she does what cowards do best.
The ghoster retreats with his or her tail tucked firmly between his or her legs and runs as fast and far away as possible. That’s the easiest way the ghoster can avoid taking responsibility and talking about things that make the ghoster feel uncomfortable.
Here’s a picture explaining why people ghost others. It covers ghosting on social media, long-distance relationship ghosting, in-person ghosting, and every kind of ghosting there is.
Ghosting, unfortunately, happens to a lot of people. It happens to those who know a person very well (or at least they think they do) and even to those who are still trying to get to know the person they’re talking to.
Ghosters have no preference and loyalties as they don’t intend to stay with people when things get tough. They leave at the first sign of trouble because that’s how they’ve developed themselves. They grew up thinking it’s okay to run away from problems and hurt people in the process.
Some ghosters copy their parents’ behavior and others just don’t care about their morals. But an even bigger problem is that they don’t communicate their issues and don’t know how to properly end the relationship they no longer wish to be a part of. And because they don’t know how to end it, they run away.
They ghost people when:
- Their perception of their partner changes.
- They lose control over their emotions and feel smothered.
By ghosting their partner, ghosters essentially avoid an uncomfortable situation and swiftly move on to whatever comes next. Oftentimes, it’s another person, but it can also be the prospect of being with someone else.
What emotions do ghosters feel?
Since most people aren’t bad people, many ghosters initially feel a lot of guilt and shame.
They worry about whether ghosting is the right thing to do and if they should instead be direct with the person they no longer want in their life.
Such righteous thoughts cause a rift between their emotions and values, so they consequently start to feel really bad about what they’re about to do.
Deep inside, they comprehend that ghosting is morally wrong and that they should not avoid a confrontation just because it’s difficult. They should try to break up with their partner in morally acceptable ways because their partner stayed loyal to them until the end and deserves honesty.
But since the power of emotions outweighs their thoughts, ghosters eventually lose their internal battle, tire themselves out, and let their overwhelming negative feelings push them to run away from their problems.
Their emotions drive them to make a selfish emotional decision that would put an end to all the negative emotions they’ve associated with their ex-partner.
That’s when they decide to ghost and immediately start to feel immense relief, peace, and quiet. They finally get the freedom to enjoy their time and worry only about themselves.
Upon ghosting, ghosters oftentimes feel bad for their actions, but they don’t usually feel bad enough to reach out and apologize. They think their happiness is more important than the happiness of the person they’ve hurt, so they continue to believe that they did what was necessary for their well-being.
By no means are they proud of themselves, but they do think they’ve made the right decision despite ending things in an insensitive, immoral way.
If only ghosters realized that ghosting is disrespectful and that it hurts and confuses the person they ditch. It prevents the dumpee from asking important relationship questions that would provide closure and enable the dumpee to move on easier without blaming himself or herself.
Childhood and upbringing are often responsible for ghosting
Normally, ghosters’ avoidant personality traits stem from childhood.
Their parents teach them that running away from problems is an option and that it’s okay to abandon people even if doing so hurts them and makes it harder for them to understand what they did wrong and why the breakup occurred.
Ghosters’ parents, of course, don’t specifically tell their children to ghost others because deep inside, they want the best for their offspring. But they do nonetheless indirectly show them how to handle difficulties in relationships (and life) with their behavior and actions.
This is why dysfunctional families, bad parenting, and improper communication styles in the family are often responsible for the birth of a ghoster.
People may not realize it, but every time parents or guardians handle an argument or a difficult situation poorly, they show their children how they’re supposed to behave when they grow up. They show them what’s right and wrong and unknowingly set them on the path that they themselves are currently on.
Whether that path is good, bad, or decent is something parents should try to understand. They are their kids’ idols, after all, so it’s their job to evaluate their attitude, integrity, and values and make sure they’re as good as they can be.
The better these qualities are and the better a job they do to inculcate them, the higher their children’s emotional intelligence will be and the better they’ll treat people.
Everything in life happens for a reason, and that includes ghosting. So don’t think you got hit by karma and that you’re paying the price for it. Instead, remember that the ghoster went through a lot (and still is) and that you mustn’t condemn him or her. Instead of losing your cool and getting nasty, understand, sympathize, and pity the ghoster.
He or she needs all the help in the world because it’s highly likely that the ghoster’s childhood hasn’t been easy and that the ghoster’s actions are a representation of his or her parents’ teachings and upbringing in general.
Ghosting someone who cares about you is inexcusable
The underlying truth about ghosting is that there’s no excuse for ghosting. It doesn’t matter if the ghoster knew his or her romantic partner for one week, one year, ten years, or if the ghoster didn’t get along with his or her partner at all.
There’s no need to ghost someone because there’s always a better way to end a relationship. And that way doesn’t involve turning into a speck of vanishing dust.
A good way to break up with someone you fell out of love with is to arrange a date and time that suits your partner, go to his or her place (or somewhere quiet), and end the relationship in private. You should be honest and say why you’re ending the relationship.
Don’t give any false hope, such as “It’s only temporary.” The person you’re breaking up with needs to know you’re serious and that there’s no chance of getting back together.
Once you’ve expressed yourself, you should offer support and talk about the breakup. Your partner will probably have many questions for you, so answer them and provide closure.
It won’t be easy to talk to a person you’ve detached from and lost feelings for, but that’s the price you have to pay. You have to suck it up and be responsible because the moment you break up with someone, it’s no longer about you.
It’s about the person who’s struggling to cope with anxiety and needs your sympathy and care.
What does ghosting do to a person?
When you get ghosted, you can’t help but wonder why your partner suddenly disappeared from your life. You think about the good times, the bad times, and all the times in between in order to find some kind of explanation that would justify your ex’s motive for ghosting you.
The anxiety from ghosting makes you hungry for answers and forces you to think that you got ghosted because of something you did or because you weren’t the person your ex wanted you to be.
But that’s not true. As we said before, ghosting is the ghoster’s problem, not yours. He or she ghosts because of unhealthy perceptions, emotions, and the inability to express and improve those emotions.
So don’t overanalyze your ex’s actions and drive yourself crazy with them. You’re far better off putting your energy into detachment and self-love because ultimately, obsessing about your ex and someone he or she may be dating is self-destructive.
It’s a waste of time and a perfectly good life.
I know it hurts like hell when someone you love abandons you coldheartedly and unexpectedly. It’s especially difficult if you’re going through a rough patch in life and could use love and support more than ever before.
But, unfortunately, people who can’t handle difficult emotions will usually abandon you when you’re struggling emotionally because that’s when you need them to invest in you and take care of you the most
You need them to support you and give you the kind of love only they can give.
Love and support, however, aren’t something smothered and immature people are happy to give when they’re doubting their decision to be with you. They prefer to spend their energy on themselves and abandon the relationship the moment it starts weighing them down and preventing them from reaching their personal goals.
So make sure to take care of yourself now and before you get into a relationship because you don’t want to end up in a situation where you depend on another person for happiness.
You want to remain strong at all times. So strong that even something as painful as ghosting won’t bring you down and ruin your emotional and physical well-being.
With that being said, here’s how ghosting affects a person after a serious relationship.
If your ex ghosted you after a serious relationship and hurt you a lot, know that it’s okay to cry and grieve. It’s okay to release the pain in whichever way you want as long as you look for answers without the help of your ex.
You may think you need your ex to provide answers for you and that you can’t move on without your ex’s closure, but that’s not true. You don’t need your ex to figure out why he or she left to get your old self back.
You just need to know that your ex’s ghosting had something to do with the way your ex perceived you.
So keep telling yourself that your ex chose to run away not because you’re a bad person or unworthy of a relationship, but because your ex couldn’t handle certain negative emotions and maintain the relationship. Your ex wasn’t properly equipped to stay committed, so he or she left when negative emotions outweighed the good.
It will be difficult, but do your best to give your ex space. Become a diligent follower of the indefinite no contact rule because this rule will help you regain control of your emotions and help you heal.
As you carry on with your life and continue to seek answers, you will likely wonder why things ended in such a cruel way. You’ll probably blame yourself for your ex’s actions and obsess about your disappearing ex to the point of exhaustion.
My advice to you is to distract yourself as much as possible. Keep yourself busy and focus on socializing and engaging in new and old activities. By doing so, you will take your ex off the pedestal and your mind a little bit every day—and slowly, one day at a time, get over your ex.
There will be times when nostalgia gets to you and forces you to relapse. You’ll think to yourself, “Did the relationship mean nothing to my ex? Why was it so easy for my ex to ghost me and ignore my feelings?”
When that happens, don’t let nostalgia control your thoughts and underplay his or her doings. Remind yourself that nostalgia is a part of the detachment process and that it will become less frequent as you learn to let go of your ex.
By all means, allow yourself to question your ex’s morality if doing so makes you feel better. Just don’t get revenge on your ex or contact your ex and demand an explanation for the ghosting.
Why does ghosting hurt so much?
Many psychologists have acknowledged that ghosting is a passive-aggressive method for causing emotional abuse to a person. They say it’s a form of rejection and ill behavior often associated with narcissism.
I completely agree with them.
The reason why ghosting hurts so much is that it ends a romantic relationship in the most abrupt way possible. It makes it go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye and forces you to grieve the end of the relationship without an understanding of what’s going on and whether the relationship has even ended.
All ghosting leaves you with are the memories you shared with an ex as well as a collection of text messages, pictures, and gifts that do more harm than good.
Such things hurt you because they make you think about the past and remember that your ex promised you the world and made you feel special.
There’s no telling how ghosting will affect you because everyone handles separation pain differently.
Some get over it faster than others because of the work they’d done on themselves prior to getting into the relationship while others require years of time to process it.
No matter what category you fit into, make sure not to take your ex’s behavior personally. Your ex may have ghosted you, but your ex didn’t do that because you’re not worthy of an explanation. He or she did it because of personal, neglected, unresolved issues.
So protect yourself by distracting yourself from thinking about the good times. Acknowledge the fact that your ex has lackings just like everyone else and that you don’t see them at the moment because the breakup pain is hiding them from you.
Tell yourself that a person who loves you and cares about you won’t leave you by ghosting you. A person who truly loves you won’t even leave you. He or she will confide in you and work on relationship and personal problems by communicating with you and looking for common ground.
How to move on after you got ghosted?
Getting over the feeling of getting ghosted takes a lot of time. It especially takes time if you were in a long-term relationship with your ex and your ex dropped you like a hot potato.
Try not to worry about the time it will take you to detach because the speed at which you forgive your ex for hurting you and move on from your ex is not something you can control. You have to process it at your own speed and let it out of your system naturally with time because time is your best healer.
Time will help you distance yourself from your ex’s maltreatment and allow you to find happiness by surrounding yourself with people who matter to you.
So whatever you do, don’t set a date by which you must be completely over your ex. High expectations will likely disappoint you and ruin your emotional progress. They’ll keep you reliant on your ex for closure and self-worth and delay your healing. So tell yourself that you’re getting stronger every minute and focus on letting go of your ex.
If you do, you’ll notice real detachment progress as you’ll notice that you sleep better and have more energy to do the things you love.
Right after the ghosting, you will probably have a lot of questions. You will ask yourself:
Did I somehow offend my ex?
Did I deserve to get ghosted?
Was I too demanding, needy, or did I talk too much or something?
Figuring out what went wrong and what you could have done to prevent the ghosting will likely become a new hobby of yours as it will turn into an addiction. You will become hungry for answers, but know that you don’t need all the answers right away.
For now, you should just keep in mind that your ex’s ghosting says a lot about the person your ex is.
Here are 10 tips you should follow to recover from ghosting after a serious relationship as quickly as possible.
1)Don’t get angry and seek revenge
It’s perfectly normal to feel betrayed and angry. It’s normal to feel lost and confused as well. But whatever you do, don’t act on your heartbroken emotions and seek revenge.
If you’re a person with decent morals, you’ll definitely regret hurting your ex once you’ve regained composure. Your guilty conscience will make sure of it, so be prudent and don’t take revenge on your ex.
Let karma do its job while you focus on healing and bettering yourself.
2)Don’t blame yourself
Whatever the reason for your ex’s departure is, don’t blame yourself for it.
Always remember that you got involved with the wrong person and that your ex’s ghosting is a reflection of his or her personality.
Ghosting depicts what your ex is like as a person and how your ex behaves when things get difficult.
3)Focus on yourself
You need to realize that your ex didn’t care enough about your feelings. He or she ended up looking after himself or herself and didn’t care about anything else. You need to do the same so that you can get over the ghosting.
You need to start taking care of yourself and recover from the pain that your ex has inflicted on you.
4)Accept that your ex left for good
If you’re hoping that your ex comes back and apologizes for ghosting you after a serious relationship, that is very self-destructive as it prevents you from accepting the fact that the relationship has ended.
It makes it difficult for you to process the ghosting and get your happy self back.
So work on accepting the breakup and stop holding on to reconciliation hope. When you finally accept it, you’ll regain your emotional independence and appreciate your own company.
But until then, tell yourself that your ex has finally shown you his or her true colors and that you can now find someone who will love you for the person you are.
5)Share your pain with others
Share your pain with your close friends and family. They’re the ones who truly support you and care deeply about you, so confide in them and let them help you.
If you do this often, you will gradually reduce your anxiety and realize that you don’t need someone like your ex in your life. You need people who know your worth and treat you well.
6)Work on developing yourself
There’s a time to grieve and there’s a time to get back on your feet. If it’s been months and you’re still hurting, know that pain has a positive side to it.
It allows you to acknowledge your shortcomings and provides you with the tools you need to rebuild your life. Not only can you rebuild it, but you can also make it better.
So embrace the pain and start by working on your flaws. The more you work on them, the more healthy improvements you’ll make. And when you’ve improved, chances are that you’ll outgrow your ex by a mile and attract someone who’s done a similar amount of work on himself or herself.
7)Learn from your experiences
It’s not the end of the world if your ex ghosted you. On the contrary, it’s a new beginning because you can now examine your mistakes and grow as a person.
You can correct your bad behavioral patterns, spend more time with your friends and family, and find passion again.
I know it sucks to get dumped this way, but consider it a perfect opportunity for you to become the best version of yourself and avoid people like your ex in the future.
8)Find closure on your own
Since you got ghosted, you’ll have to find closure on your own. You’ll have to process your thoughts and emotions and slowly let go of the past.
A great way to do that is to journal your thoughts and feelings. Write them down on a piece of paper and reread them from time to time. Pay attention to how they change over time and you’ll relieve your anxiety and find the answers you’re looking for.
9)Don’t be afraid to trust again
Just because your ex ghosted you after a serious relationship doesn’t mean that the next person will too.
If you become insecure about relationships and reflect your unprocessed (trust) issues onto others, chances are that you’ll show your next partner that you don’t trust him or her.
This could cause problems for both of you and make your partner give up when your behavior causes too much damage.
So work on forgetting about your biggest fears and insecurities—and consider your next boyfriend or girlfriend a completely different person.
10)Be optimistic in life
Life is full of unpredictable, often difficult times, so make it a habit to find something good in every bad situation. By doing so, you won’t take life too seriously and will learn to appreciate the limited time you have on this planet.
My ex-boyfriend ghosted me and it hurt
A few years ago, my boyfriend ghosted me out of the blue and hurt me more than words can describe. At first, I didn’t know why he did it, so I racked my brain and wondered if it had something to do with who I was and what I looked like.
I was so confused about his selfish behavior that I desperately wanted to know how I pushed him to ghost me. It was only until a few weeks later that I found out my ex was experiencing the grass is greener syndrome and that he left me for someone else.
That was when I started to feel even more insignificant and flawed and started to blame myself for not being good enough for him.
I’m not ashamed to admit that it took me a few months to finally get ahold of myself and realize that I wasn’t responsible for my ex’s ghosting. My ex was responsible for it because he made a conscious decision to ghost me. And that’s a decision he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life.
I felt a bit calmer when I discovered that ghosting wasn’t induced by me. It told me I deserved respect and made me see that even if he never regrets ghosting me, I would be okay with it. That’s why I soon completely disassociated from him and didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I was happy just spending time with friends and family because they had my best interests at heart.
That was the day when my happiness stopped depending on an ex who ghosted me and the people who add no value to my life.
So if you got ghosted after a serious relationship and you want your ex to make you feel better, know that you’re wasting your time. You’re wasting it on someone who’s interested only in helping himself or herself. It’s better that you forget about your ex and rely on yourself for as many things as possible in life.
I hope that this article has helped you understand what to do and not do when you get ghosted after a serious relationship. If it did, comment below. I’d like to know how you’re coping with the post-breakup blues. If you didn’t get ghosted though, feel free to comment as well. Let us know what you think about ghosters.
And if you’d like to talk with us about someone who ghosted you, sign up for coaching with us.
Like many others here, this article was the right words at the right time. My ex GF of 16yrs told me she no longer had feelings for me (intimate). She said she wanted to be friends, but needed to concentrate on herself being happy. I gave her some space (I traveled interstate for 2 weeks) and since have only sporadically contacted her as not to be seen as needy or clingy, which I am not. Now the messages don’t get answered hardly, she’s always too busy for a quick catch up chat by phone and so on. I’m not trying to get her back by trickery, and have told her so (I do want to attract her back), but this ghosted feeling really, I mean really makes me sad.
Hi Michael.
I’m glad the article helped.
Your ex is avoiding you because she feels smothered. I know this behavior is new to you, but she currently doesn’t want to converse. Whenever she does, she feels trapped and perhaps even guilty. Try not to blame yourself for this, Michael. She just can’t handle the emotions the breakup caused.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for sharing eveyone, I know it doesn’t help that much but it keeps me going sometimes knowing I’m not alone.
My fiancé of four years ghosted me. He said that he needed to get counseling and space, because his dad died two years ago and he just needed some help. I said fine I love you do what you’ve got to do. He was living at his son’s apartment. I spoke to him Tuesday morning, and everything seemed to be fine. By 2:00 pm that day, he changed his number and ghosted me. Like WTF? He usually leaves me about every two months. That’s his MO. He will get mad at me for whatever reason and leave. I don’t think he has anyone else but who knows. I just don’t think he can handle adult conversations and feelings. I’m just devastated.
Hi Michelle.
What you have with this person is not healthy. I know you love him, but every time he leaves, he leaves much easier. This doesn’t give you much if any security in the relationship with him. So if I may suggest, try to see your relationship for what it is and detach from him. When you do, you’ll want something more long-lasting and secure.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you. This article has been very helpful. Probably the best one I’ve read thus far.
I was with my partner for over 20 years. He cheated on me 4 times and like an idiot I took him back. Recently (15 years after the 4th time he cheated) he wanted to leave the kids and I to go ‘find himself’ because he wanted to better himself and I was not treating him right. Before he had officially moved out to ‘find himself’ I found out he had formed an emotional bond with a colleague. I begged him to give us a chance and that I would change. He talked about finding what we had lost, and said she meant nothing to him. But he moved out anyway. We were talking for a while, what I thought was rekindling our relationship but it was always on his terms and after a few weeks he just wanted space to ‘find himself’. So I told him I wouldn’t contact him and if he wanted to talk he knows how to reach me. For a week after, he texted with simple hi how are you – just small talk, and then nothing – radio silence. He has ghosted me for a month now and I am slowly getting through it. But it still hurts like hell. I still question why and it is still painful to talk about him. I am still tied to him because of our kids and the comittment to our house (he still has to pay half each week. I cannot pay it alone). But only until September. There are days when I just want closure but in some sense I have had to find my own closure. I am putting this article in my favorites so I can refer to it on my downer days. Thank you.
Hi Mary.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but the breakup needed to happen. The guy cheated on you 4 times, so clearly, he’d lost respect and love for you. He didn’t want to/couldn’t grow stronger with you and fix what he broke, so he left when he developed a connection with another woman. I discourage you from getting back with him if he comes back. I’m almost certain he’s not going to change and appreciate you. If he hadn’t after 4 attempts, he won’t later either. He doesn’t need time to find himself but to focus on himself and enjoy the connection with the new woman. He hasn’t been honest with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan. That is exactly what I needed to hear. It’s ashame the person I should be hearing it from doesn’t have enough balls to say it himself.
Alas, I don’t need to hear it from him as I will be living my life knowing my worth. I am taking on a new adventure overseas soon, so he can focus on himself and whomever he likes. I feel somewhat sorry for her, but oh well, you play with fire you get burnt. 🤷♀️
Admittedly I still think about it or get upset/angry from time to time. But it is far and few in between and it is only very fleeting. I am very proud of how far I have come in such a short time.
Such is life. Onwards and upwards! 😁
PS: sorry for the slow reply.
Also forgot to say … I have found my own closure. 🧘♀️
Hi Mary.
Don’t expect him to tell you anything. He likely won’t admit things as doing so gives him anxiety. I suggest that you find closure on your own and keep moving on/enjoying life. You don’t need him anymore as you can find all the answers you need without him.
*Edit: Great job on finding closure, Mary. Now you can just focus on yourself and do the things you want to do.
Best regards,
Zan
I blocked someone after 1.5 years of being FWB. I was more like a sugar daddy. She’s was dishonest all along, the relationship made me sick for months, although I loved her like a daughter. When I told her I wanted a break, she tried to baby trap me with a fake pregnancy. Now tell me blocking was not justified.
FWB – Loved like a daughter. Yikes dude.
Sounds creepy how do you love someone you are intimate with like a “daughter” I don’t know about that
So… Thanks for this article, it is the first one that describes what I experienced and has a lot of insights! I got dumped and ghosted out of the blue (for me) after 2 decades, we where married for 13 years and have kids together. The only thing I heard from her is “I got no more feelings for you”. Then nothing what so ever. No counseling, No one on one conversation, No accusations, No explanation to me or the kids, just nothing. The only thing She said she owned me or the kids no explanation (with I found strange because in my opinion an explanation is the right thing to do). I distanced myself and went into no contact(still in it, only talking about the kids), stopped pleading and begging after 2 weeks and started trying to accept it and let her go. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced in my life (and still is) because you can’t turn off your love for someone in an instant. I moved on in life thru talking to friends, family, a psychologist, picking up more hobby’s, sports and reflecting about myself who I am! I now know It wasn’t about me, but about her and her own issues. It took me about 1,5 years to get out of anxiety and (semi)depressions, it got better, and still working on myself. I had to accept that its gonna take time and pain and that its okay to feel that pain. Her monkeybranching to the nextdoor neighbour didn’t help either, but it make me realize she probably can’t handle the pain also. Nobody deserves to get ghosted like that, its disrespectful to someone who’s been there for her and the kids no matter what for 20 years. I didn’t get it that you could do that to somebody until I saw this article. The good thing about it, is that I (re)discovered my own self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect and found out that eventually it will be here loss more than mine. (sorry for my English…)
WOW!! Dutch that shoe almost fits my foot. I was with a gal for over 22 years. Helped with her finances and bought her groceries and helped with pre-school and school clothes for her two boys from a previous marriage and was always there when she needed me or needed money which was often, helped make a few college payments and bought her a lot of books while she was studying to be a BSN (registered nurse) nurse. Bought her many cars, time before last, a late model car and the last being a brand new Chevy Traverse. And musical instruments for her two boys while they were in school and in the marching band. It seemed she had a seemingly normal life and was into marathons which she used to go on often. 16 months ago I angered her over some intimate photos of us that she allowed me to take and she ghosted me and blocked my phone number and on all social media. I recently sent her two letters to the hospital where she now works begging her to come back but now I wholly regret it because just over night I started thinking about the way she’s treated me (like a bag of dog doo) and if I ever got back with her she would ghost me again if I pissed her off. I’d rather move on and meet a new friend who DOESN’T ghost. She is not worthy of me and I feel sorry for the poor fellas she meets. She has joined the ranks of ghosters. Once a ghoster, always a ghoster and I don’t want her back. It was a big mistake begging her to come back. I now think she may be a Borderline or a Narcissist. I’ve done a lot of studying on the subjects and she fits most of the traits of one.
Dude, that’s an ASPD who used you as supply. You bought her cars like you were a sugar daddy, you’re the one who should have blocked her, and not after 22 years? Anyway good luck with the therapy.
Hi Dutch.
Sorry to hear you went through all that. Nobody deserves to get ghosted and treated like they don’t exist. Not even those who hurt their partner a lot. People can use words to express how they feel and why they feel that way. If they can’t verbalize their problems, they should figure out why they’re bad at communicating. Normally, their issues stem from childhood.
I hope you’re doing better now, Dutch. Now that anxiety is mainly out of your system, you should feel like a new, improved person.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Doing much better, thnx! It’s like you’re saying in a lot of your articles, work on your self, reflecting, dating other people, sports, hobbies, friends and family, it all helps. 2 years down the line and sometimes what still makes me sad from time to time is that I never got a chance to work on the relationship, for myself, the kids and even for her. And that’s okay. On the other hand it was the biggest reality check I ever had and learned so much about relationships and myself. So yes, I’ve grown a lot as a person, got a much better relationship with my kids wich I’m grateful for! Looking forward what the future brings.
Thnx for this blog, it brought me a lot of answers afterwards!
Regards and keep it up!
Hi Dutch.
I’m delighted to hear you’re doing so much better. You’ve learned and improved a lot because of your breakup, so it’s good that you benefited from this ordeal. You may not have reconciled, but your story doesn’t end here. It begins.
Best,
Zan
Thank you for this. Not sure how old this article is but it resonated and offered a lot of insight. It helped me understand more than what I had figured out. Six months later and it still hurts. But me reading and even re reading has helped me and is a good reminder that my ex is someone who is hurting inside and he chose to hurt me. But if he wants to do that, he can do to someone else and hopefully leave me be.
Hi Matthew.
Reading and talking about your breakup will help you understand what went wrong and what your ex is like. I encourage you to learn as much as you can and through knowledge, discover your worth and let your ex go.
Kind regards,
Zan
It is indeed very awquard, how someone you have been with for years actually has the nerves to act like that…really low self esteem and moraly not on adult level. Good thing is, that he obviously knows that I get along perfectly without him. Better, even…still it takes all respect that ever existed towards this person, so his bad. Pretty useless guy who wasted my time. He is the one who cannot handle his feelings or manage his life. Ciao, loser!
That’s right Claudia.
It’s a very immature and self-centered thing that only boys do. Real men break up in person and face the consequences.
Best,
Zan
I was dating this guy, he moved in. I know we moved too fast. But he assured me I was the one he wanted and that we’d be married and travel. He said he’d build me a pool if I agreed to move to one of his top 3 places. The relationship had small issues that I didn’t speak on. I realize I was not staying my need for more more intimacy. He left for a wedding, leaving some of his belongings. Sent me pictures, called the next day to tell me he’d be home within a week. I called him the next day which happened to be Father’s Day to tell him how much I missed him and how much I appreciate him. We agreed to talk later but I never heard from him again. He decided to move to another state and move on without telling me anything. He even re-activated his dating profile that we met on without telling g me anything. A month later I was diagnosed with cancer. I just hope that wasn’t my last relationship. It’s so hard for me to trust people and I trust him fully I have into him fully. I did everything and I realize I got nothing from him not a sweet kiss after I hand made the perfect dinner. Not a random hug or kiss. I feel it’s my fault because I know he didn’t have the emotional compassion to handle me. He made promises to my daughters and let them down too. He’s only the third person that was apart of their life ( they were 15/18) but it still hurt them. He promises to teach them how to drive and all that. He was supportive financially although I didn’t needed it it was helpful. Now he’s gone living a good life and I’m stuck battling cancer continuously thinking about the life we could of had. The big house nice cars even better vacations. Now I have nothing.
Hi Coko.
I’m sorry to hear you were diagnosed with cancer. I hope you recover quickly.
Your ex promised you a lot of things. But you have to remember that the guys who do that usually fizzle out the quickest. They like to fantasize about what they want rather than put in the effort, so they rush things and deplete the relationship. The fact that he didn’t tell you anything and just slowly faded on you shows what he’s made of. So in a way, it’s good that he showed his true colors now. At least you can focus on your kids and the people who will support you.
Stay strong!
Zan
Well… I think I got ghosted but his stuff is still in my house. It has been a week since I have heard from him and his last text was somewhat kind. But then again… he never did contact me again. I did send a note asking if he was okay but he hasn’t responded and I asked his mom to make sure he was okay because I would hate for him to be hurt but I don’t know what else to do but move on… What do I do with his stuff?
Hi Iso.
Don’t contact your ex anymore. He isn’t responding which means that he’s stopped caring. As for his stuff, give it to his mom.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey, I am in this situation too after months I still have the stuff he left behind. I plan on giving it to charity. Someone can find warmth and comfort in the the things he abandoned.
This is to Tam in reply to your comment on June 2nd 2021@ 9:09am and your knocking us for being no good cheating individuals. I’m not saying what I did was right but I was blinded by my love for her and had hoped that one day she would put her sights on me. I had her body but I didn’t have her. You can critizise me and act like you yourself is above me and without sin and therefor better than me and everyone else but you really shouldn’t judge me without knowing the whole story. Everyone has a story to tell but it’s always one sided. This woman who discarded me was right to end our long affair to go and try to save her marriage but the ghosting was uncalled for and very cruel at the least. A simple text message would have sufficed just fine, telling me the affair is over and could never see or talk to me again. Then if I didn’t except it and became a pest, ghosting, calling the police or getting a restraining order would have been the way to go. She was guilty as I and I didn’t deserve her callous treatment. Never had any fights, or said cross words to each other and I spent a ton of money on her (including new cars, jewelry, gaming computers and cell phones etc and on her two boys from diapers to graduation to adulthood. I didn’t deserve to be treated so coldly and without empathy. I say to you “Tam,” He (she) who is without sin let him (her) cast the first stone!!!!! I’m already getting my karma but she’s having a blast with her new affairs. Our affair was found out because the drunk wifey found old intimate photos on my computer that I thought I deleted years ago and emailed them to her husband from my email contact list.
Men and women who ghost us after being in a serious relationship can just go eff themselves. Really, unacceptable behavior is not rewarded. A guy I thought was a good man, who I had been involved with for years ghosted me. Well after a few weeks I said hey ghosted, do not ever call, text, email or come by my home ever again. I’m blocking your number. I wish you all the love and joy in the world but I’m gonna find a man who won’t treat me this way. It’s been a tough few months but I’m ok. You who is reading this…you’ll be ok too.
Yeah??? Promise?
Its been nearly a year now and honestly, i just wanna curl up into a ball and die 💔😭
I simply asked for an opinion not to be insulted by you. I never said what happened in my situation with the cheating woman was right. The most I said was I’d like to talk to her again but without the cheating I was stuck with a problem that we both could have remedied by ending the affair when she started dating her future husband. I tried to end it a few times as well as her but the bottom line is we didn’t and I am paying the price for it while she points the finger at me and I get punished by being ghosted. I truly think the decent thing to do would have been for her to call or even message me saying “We can’t do this anymore, I love my husband and I’m trying to save my marriage and I can’t message you anymore either.” but all I got was radio silence and being blocked on all social media. That was extremely cold and back stabbing. She could have told me all that and saved the ghosting for if I kept bothering her which I didn’t and never will. I will never hang around anywhere if I’m not welcome.
Thank you. Your words have given me hope and helping me to move on from such a cruel selfish act. May god always bless you for sharing something that is helping those who are truly in need of your thoughtfulness words. Thank you again
Could this be considered as me being ghosted? I’ve been married for 30 years but a year after our marriage my wife started doing crack cocaine. I had no knowledge of her past drug and alcohol addictions . Her being messed up all the time played a big part in me meeting a girl 21 years younger than i at a Checkers drive-thru. I needed a friend and she was there. She was married too and with two baby boys, but was having her own marital problems and A few months after meeting her she divorced her husband. At the time we were only friends. It would be several years later before we became intimate and even a little later that she allowed me to take intimate pics of her and most times that we were intimate I did just that but usually got rid of them after a few months. She told me many times she didn’t love me but enjoyed us being together and doing things for her and her kids. and loved the attention. I bought her many cars over the years (used) and finally a 2019 Chevy Traverse in 2018. There was a point of time that I was simply feeling used and wanted to end the friendship but we talked, kissed and made up but not before saying she was more interested in a Friends With Benefits, type relationship and that’s how it’s been for 12 or thirteen years. Anyway about 11 years ago she found her second husband, married him and had his child. That’s where I should have stopped the friends with benefits arrangement and got off the boat. Instead it continued with the new husband un-aware of our affair but she had always chose to be with him instead of me when he was home from work. This affair ended 4 months ago when my drunk wife was going through my computer while I was on a job in Miami. I live in Daytona. And she found some nude pics of us together. Pics that I was almost positive I deleted months ago. And sent them to this women’s husband after finding his email address in my saved contact list. Next day I was ghosted and she returned the new SUV I bought her almost two years earlier. I’ve been trying to get her to talk to me again ever since but radio silence is what I get. I’ve always been close with her boys since I was in a big part of their life as they grew into adults but now they’re threatened me and told me to stay away from their mom or else. She’s already blocked me from all her social media accts, She’s never blocked me before. I have no choice now but to simply stay away and hope a year or two or three from now maybe she’ll miss me and contact me again. We had a lot of fun times together. I have no ill feelings towards her sons because they were only protecting their mom and the wife was probably just trying to save her marriage. I would never try to get her to cheat on her husband ever again but It would be nice if she contacted me again one day which I doubt at this point that would ever happen
Dude do you know how insanely ridiculous that whole situation seems? You and her are both no good cheating individuals. You both took the oath under God and still on your significant others. I don’t think either of you have faced your karma yet so I would focus more on asking the Lord for forgiveness been asking a forum what you should do about your cheating married side chick that I was only using you to her benefit anyways oh my gosh
I was seeing this guy for 3 months… everything was amazing, we talked every single day,, then when we finally took things more seriously, we were inseparable,, he was at my place all the time if he wasn’t here he was begging me to come to his place, we introduced each other to our family and friends.. he even had me meet his daughter… it just felt so special, everything felt so on the right track… then one day he had to go away to visit his sick aunt for the weekend, which turned into 19days away without hearing from him.. when he finally got back he called me and said “I guess next time I go away I shouldn’t forget my phone”
I told him I was worried sick and that next time I would appreciate if he could just try and reach out…
the subject was quickly changed,, then as the next few days went by I noticed that he wasn’t calling me babe, or beautiful.. it was really just dying down.. then all a sudden he was gone…
This guy does have a lot of issues, struggles with depression from his childhood, and a really bad breakup that happened 2 years prior that he was still having a hard time getting over,, , he drinks a lot, and lives with his alcoholic aunt who he fights with all the time,, but this is his normal (chaotic family), he always said he wanted to leave that lifestyle and get back to being the person he was before he went down this road!!! He always complimented me that i give him something to look forward to every day and that he wouldn’t change that for the world,, he would always tell me how happy he was now, etc etc…
so after he disappears I took that silence as a way to just step back and give him space, I’m was sure that maybe he was going through a depressive episode,, and in this time I read so many articles to prepare myself for what it may be like to date a guy with depression.. I was ready!!! About a week went by and I sent him a message, just saying “I’m not sure why you not talking to me, I don’t recall us having any issues,, if u ever need to talk I am here, and if u need space I will always respect that to”
He read the message but never replied for 5days,,
Then he replied saying that he found his friend dead in a shed and that he was sorry for being quiet and that I will never understand how much that f**ked him up and that he just needs time to collect himself.. and he hopes I understand…
well of course I was deeply saddened for him and told him that I was sorry this happened to you, if u need me I will be there…
he read my message and never replied…
The next day a friend of mine said they saw him on a dating app and that he was active… so I had to see for myself and made a profile with no pic and boom there he was….. I had so much hurt and anger run through me,, so what he’s to hurt to talk to me but can talk to a bunch of fandoms on a dating site…
I wanted to blow up his phone but I contained myself and never let on that I knew anything..
then a few days later, a mutual friend had told me he had another person with him at his parents house over the weekend..
I almost fell over.. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me,, what did I do wrong, I was nothing but good to him, I really thought we were both on the same page,, it’s now been a week, I’ve deleted him from fb, I never told him anything that I know.. I just didn’t know how to address it, and I think I was to vulnerable to hear the answer or even to hear nothing and go through the rejection all over…
idk what happened but I’m confused and hurt. I don’t understand how we can go from amazing to me being tossed aside as if all this meant nothing to him.. I just feel so used..
I can see if we got in a fight and broke up this would make a lot more sense but nothing.. we were really great when he all a sudden disappeared
So I’m not sure if I should address this and let him know that I know.. or what.. I feel there needs to be some kinda consequences for his actions, I feel I let this guy off to easily… then part of me is like I should just say nothing.. ugh
Sorry,, he went to see his sick aunt for 10days not 19
Hi there this exact thing happened and still is happening to me. And everytime he ghosting me its always an excuse and he turns the whole thing to sound that im needy and its normal to disappear for a week or looonger and that I should know that he loves me so being silent for weeks is nothing to stress over. And yes when he ghost me it’s out of the blue leaves me there trying to figure out what the hell happened….worst feeling ever
My ex of 4 years has just ghosted me, this wasn’t the first time, I’m out first two years together he did it about 4 times once for 6 weeks and I always took him back.
We got back together but I could never fully trust or feel sure that he wouldn’t do it to me again, he kept saying I was being distant and felt he was losing me and no matter how many times I explained how I felt he accused me of bringing up the past.
I saw him two weeks before Xmas and he told me he didn’t want to lose me and all the rest then ignored me until this week when he was outside my house with my stuff I had left at his house
I was so upset and shocked to see him and he was being all nice and gave me a hug and says he wanted to talk to me and apologise and could we meet in the week I said ok
Then I messaged him the next day and he ignored me again so I got so upset and angry and sent him a really long message telling him exactly what he’d done and he blocked me!!
He’s mucked me about so much
I read and re-read this article at least 8 times. I’m going through severe depression due to a relationship of six years ending in me getting ghosted for the 1st time in my life. I was dating the woman I wanted to marry off and on for 6years. Due to covid we really didn’t see each other as much for fear that one of us may have had the virus and get the other sick. But I should have known well in advance and listen to myself because she was running out with other men going on dates she had that grass is greener on the other side syndrome. But I being the man that I was at the time believed that love with surpass and survive all obstacles thrown in our way. One day we talked with three or four hours on the phone FaceTime each other two days after that we’re texting about a restaurant that just newly opened and meeting up for dinner and during that conversation she stopped talking I haven’t heard nothing from her and over 7 months. we even have the same birthday and I still didn’t hear from her or her children that I helped take care of. Granted her children are older and in college but I did help support them during the 6 years that she and I dated off and on… I guess my biggest problem that I’m dealing with is like the article said being stuck with pictures emails phone recordings text messages and the thoughts of happy times that we shared because we really had good times together more good than bad. I haven’t been able to delete the pictures or the voicemails or text messages but I’m trying every single day but every time I look at her picture and all honestly I just want to kill myself… I mean this woman used to tell me she’ll always love me so always be there will always be friends no matter what and then just to ghost me and never talk to me again when I have been the greatest man she’s ever experienced in her life I feel so empty and hopeless inside I just had surgery to remove part of my colon due to a blockage that was causing me severe pain and bleeding. I want to talk to her so bad and hear her voice tell me everything is going to be okay and I know that will never happen now. But I keep hoping and praying for that day I know she changed her phone number so there’s no way in the world I could ever contact her she’s blocked me on Facebook and every other possible means of communication. Even her children blocked and ghosted me!! And I have no idea why I loved her children like they were my own flesh and blood and I provided for them like they were mine. I’m lost so confused and so utterly damaged inside I feel like what’s the point of anything anymore what’s the point of me having the surgery to live and go on and never talk to the woman that I love again? I just really want to give up but I know my family depends on me and it would crush them if I did. But now that it’s covid it’s hard to meet someone new it’s hard to talk with somebody you definitely can’t go anywhere because everything is on lockdown now again. I don’t know what to do. I sit here almost everyday and cry like a little girl and I’m a grown man . I’m about to be 44 years old and I am miserable and crying at the site of people kissing people holding hands wishing that I had that wishing that I could touch her again or wishing I could hold her hand and wishing that I could just see her again that’s why I said I feel like I want to end it sometimes. I just need help and I need answers!!
hey carlos. i am a 28 year old man and going through a similar dilemma. I would like to chat sometime
Hello Carlos, I’m going through basically the same thing you’re going through. I was ghosted September 27th, 2020 last year and it definitely hurts. I was around her for 22 years and participated in her 2 boys lives from baby to adult and spent a lot of money on them like clothes and strollers, diapers, groceries, rent, cars, Xmas and tons more. Read my story from Bill, February 15th, 2021. You have to be strong and move on. Maybe in a few years from now something will jar her memory about you and there’s always the possibility she may try to contact you again. But it’s important to not get your hopes up because sometimes you never hear from them again. I’m in the same boat as you but I have to face the reality of it and realize I too may never see my lady friend ever again either. I wish you only the best.
Thank you for this article. It was very helpful and validating. I am in my 60s and recently have been ghosted. This hasn’t happened to me since my 20s! I did not think a man in his 60s would do this (I was assuming more maturity), so it was harder for me to realize what had happened — I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. We dated seriously for over a year, with frequent contact and socializing with common friends and his family (but not mine). COVID has interfered with our getting together over the past few months, and we were mostly texting and emailing, and seeing each other less frequently.
But I didn’t think anything was wrong. It’s been over a month since he has contacted me, our last contact was friendly and I had no reason to believe anything was wrong. After one week with no contact, I began to suspect a ghosting…. it was very abrupt. The last contact left the ball in his court. I don’t chase after men, begging for attention — he either is interested, or he is not. But we had (so I thought) a mutual relationship of sharing and caring. I now believe he has met someone else, as the likely explanation. It’s such a confusing feeling. Yet, digging back to the immature men I dated 35 years ago, this feels like ghosting. We didn’t have that word for it back then, but it certainly happened to me.
I’m OK, but I am obsessing. Your article has given me hope and strategies for getting over this more quickly..
I know the feeling you think everything is going fine then wham you are being ghosted and left hanging, worste feeling ever, and im in my 50’s and so was he so tought childish teenage breakups was way in the past …apparently not 🤷♀️
I feel like I’m cursed with being ghosted. All my partners ghost me and I must say I’m just tired. I support them even financially and then boom they ghost me. I just got ghosted now again and I actually ended up acting crazy trying to get the guy to explain himself to me.
I’m not trying to be funny but my name is Carlos Casanova I actually wrote a reply about an issue that I’m going through currently. I read what you had to say and all sincere honesty I so wish I could find a woman like you!! You actually sound like the type of woman that I deserve what it seems like I would never find at least not in this lifetime anyway. I hope the best for you in the future
Ghosting is ok if you’ve been emotionally abused or extremely disrespected. I’m ghosting a guy I’ve been dating for a year. He accuses me of lying about domestic abuse I endured and even small things like rare cars an ex owned. I made him a video proving of all the things he accused me of lying about and then shut my cell off. I shouldn’t have even done the video but he’s a covert narcissist and sometimes you gotta put people in their place. He’s also so emotionally abusive I get scared to keep my cell on. Luckily my clients are all Apple so I can use my iPad and not worry about texts. I’m not turning my cell on until I get time to go change my phone number this weekend.
Why don’t you just block his number? He’ll find some new source to feed off of soon enough, they all do, sadly
Well, my ex accused me of being disrespectful of her and that’s actually true. However she seems not to realize or care about the fact that I’ve been only rude to her as a response. Since our breakup I’ve learned an awful lot about breakups and relationships and now I’m 100% convinced she emotionally abused me most of our relationship. Hell, she has even punched me right in the nose once and she also forced me to have sex with her once by refusing to let me sleep until we do, despite me having to wake early for work. So yeah, in her mind I was abusive of her, because I verbally lashed out at her sometimes and so in her mind I deserve this. Who cares she was infinite times worse? I called her dumb, when she said objectively dumb things that now I even suspect she did just to upset me. So I’m the asshole who deserves this. Seriously, there are people out there who know exactly how to trigger you, and so they trigger you intentionally, then call you out for losing emotional control. Hell, now I know that the last few instances of these were already intentionally aimed at creating an argument so she could justify leaving me. She was already dating my best friend behind my back when she asked me retarded questions like “did you get your deposit back?” one month before moving out the apartment… roflmao, no way she could’ve honestly thought the landlord just gave it back a month in advance. She just wanted me to lose it. This is a breakup tactic. Learned about it since then.
So please, make sure you are actually victims and not just in a victim mentality before you justify ghosting. Unless you are in actual physical danger, I doubt you can justify it.
I was in a sorta on and off relationship with this girl since 2016 and I can honestly say I have done some things that has broke the trust which she found porn in my browser history and also a dating app which I used to check if she had a profile using an undercover account but regardless in her eyes she sees it differently which is understandable! I had reasons too which at times I became so insecure and also had lack of trust with women who had cheated on me and shattered my heart in the past! And because of those silly things I done (looking up porn and the dating app) she can’t let it go and she always uses it against me even though I truly apologized and made promises that I won’t do things that will hurt her again. A few times I snapped and became abusive like grabbing her by the arm , throw her down in the bed and restraining her til she calms down and at times made her cry. The last time we had a big fight so I walked out and moved in with my parents and never seen her since til this day and that day she broke up with me. After a few weeks on that day she broke up with me and completely ghosted me and blocked my number. She did take good care of me catered for me and always been supportive of me but I ruined it all from my stupid mistakes! I can honestly say it hurts like hell. Part of me believes I deserve to be ignored but I believe also I deserve to be answered and have a proper conversation. My efforts during the relationship after mistakes were made was seeking help through a counselor but that became a problem because the counselor was a female. And also I get accused of looking at other chicks in public which I do but not in that way, because we all know as humans it’s just a natural thing to do, you look around and see whose around you men or woman. No doubt despite what I went through, I do feel she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me for all she has done. But her ghosting me like 4 plus years was only days is killing me and it affects every aspect of my life!