As we all know, romantic rejections are the worst predicaments most of us go through at least once in our life. They cause us unbelievable separation anxiety, fear, and depression, and force us to experience unbearable pain.
But if you think that there’s nothing worse than hearing your partner say “I don’t love you anymore,” you’re mistaken.
The worst pain you can experience is when your partner cheats on you and monkey branches or when you get ghosted after a serious relationship and have no idea what you did to deserve it and where your ex (a person you got attached to) is.
Please remember that ghosting after a serious relationship is a serious offense and that it has nothing to do with how good and reliable dumpees were.
It has everything to do with dumpers and their ability to deal with suffocation and other unpleasant emotions people encounter from time to time.
By ghosting someone who loves them, ghosters essentially reveal how unprepared they are to handle difficult emotions and what selfish actions they’re willing to take to get what they want and be happy.
They do this because of their self-absorbed nature, extremely poor moral values, and insensitivity as such things prevent them from putting themselves in their partners’ shoes. They make it impossible for them to understand that what they’re doing is wrong and that their immoral actions are going to affect their partners.
So if you got ghosted after a serious long-term relationship and you’re blaming yourself for something you did or didn’t do, stop right away! It’s not your fault your ex ghosted you and showed you how little you mattered to him or her.
It’s your ex’s fault as your ex proved that he or she is incapable of treating romantic partners as well as other people with care and dignity. Your ex probably treats them well when he’s happy. But when your ex feels overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, angry, or worried and needs to resolve his or her problems maturely, all your ex can do is run.
By running, he or she can avoid dealing with a situation only mature people can deal with.
In today’s post, we’ll talk about ghosting after a serious relationship. We’ll talk about what kind of people ghost their boyfriends or girlfriends and discuss why they do it.
What is ghosting after a serious relationship?
Let’s start with the definition of ghosting.
Ghosting is often defined as abruptly cutting off all communication with someone you know. That someone can be a friend, an acquaintance, a romantic partner, or anyone who has become a part of your life and likes being in it.
Most of the time, we talk about one specific type of ghosting – the type when a romantic partner runs away from his or her internal struggles and disappears into thin air.
Such ghosting is called relationship ghosting—and it occurs when the ghoster feels overwhelmed with expectations, guilt, and shame and gets scared of seeing his or her partner react strongly to the breakup. The dumper would rather avoid seeing the dumpee cry, resist the breakup, or do something unpredictable, which is why he or she runs away from the relationship without facing the dumpee and talking the problems out.
The ghoster may come off as a strong person – a person with control, but you need to understand that the ghoster isn’t a strong person. The ghoster operates out of fear of confrontation and fear of the unknown, so technically, he or she does what cowards do best.
The ghoster retreats with his or her tail tucked firmly between his or her legs and runs as fast and far away as possible. That’s the easiest way the ghoster can avoid taking responsibility and talking about things that make the ghoster feel uncomfortable.
Here’s a picture explaining why people ghost others. It covers ghosting on social media, long-distance relationship ghosting, in-person ghosting, and every kind of ghosting there is.
Ghosting, unfortunately, happens to a lot of people. It happens to those who know a person very well (or at least they think they do) and even to those who are still trying to get to know the person they’re talking to.
Ghosters have no preference and loyalties as they don’t intend to stay with people when things get tough. They leave at the first sign of trouble because that’s how they’ve developed themselves. They grew up thinking it’s okay to run away from problems and hurt people in the process.
Some ghosters copy their parents’ behavior and others just don’t care about their morals. But an even bigger problem is that they don’t communicate their issues and don’t know how to properly end the relationship they no longer wish to be a part of. And because they don’t know how to end it, they run away.
They ghost people when:
- Their perception of their partner changes.
- They lose control over their emotions and feel smothered.
By ghosting their partner, ghosters essentially avoid an uncomfortable situation and swiftly move on to whatever comes next. Oftentimes, it’s another person, but it can also be the prospect of being with someone else.
What emotions do ghosters feel?
Since most people aren’t bad people, many ghosters initially feel a lot of guilt and shame.
They worry about whether ghosting is the right thing to do and if they should instead be direct with the person they no longer want in their life.
Such righteous thoughts cause a rift between their emotions and values, so they consequently start to feel really bad about what they’re about to do.
Deep inside, they comprehend that ghosting is morally wrong and that they should not avoid a confrontation just because it’s difficult. They should try to break up with their partner in morally acceptable ways because their partner stayed loyal to them until the end and deserves honesty.
But since the power of emotions outweighs their thoughts, ghosters eventually lose their internal battle, tire themselves out, and let their overwhelming negative feelings push them to run away from their problems.
Their emotions drive them to make a selfish emotional decision that would put an end to all the negative emotions they’ve associated with their ex-partner.
That’s when they decide to ghost and immediately start to feel immense relief, peace, and quiet. They finally get the freedom to enjoy their time and worry only about themselves.
Upon ghosting, ghosters oftentimes feel bad for their actions, but they don’t usually feel bad enough to reach out and apologize. They think their happiness is more important than the happiness of the person they’ve hurt, so they continue to believe that they did what was necessary for their well-being.
By no means are they proud of themselves, but they do think they’ve made the right decision despite ending things in an insensitive, immoral way.
If only ghosters realized that ghosting is disrespectful and that it hurts and confuses the person they ditch. It prevents the dumpee from asking important relationship questions that would provide closure and enable the dumpee to move on easier without blaming himself or herself.
Childhood and upbringing are often responsible for ghosting
Normally, ghosters’ avoidant personality traits stem from childhood.
Their parents teach them that running away from problems is an option and that it’s okay to abandon people even if doing so hurts them and makes it harder for them to understand what they did wrong and why the breakup occurred.
Ghosters’ parents, of course, don’t specifically tell their children to ghost others because deep inside, they want the best for their offspring. But they do nonetheless indirectly show them how to handle difficulties in relationships (and life) with their behavior and actions.
This is why dysfunctional families, bad parenting, and improper communication styles in the family are often responsible for the birth of a ghoster.
People may not realize it, but every time parents or guardians handle an argument or a difficult situation poorly, they show their children how they’re supposed to behave when they grow up. They show them what’s right and wrong and unknowingly set them on the path that they themselves are currently on.
Whether that path is good, bad, or decent is something parents should try to understand. They are their kids’ idols, after all, so it’s their job to evaluate their attitude, integrity, and values and make sure they’re as good as they can be.
The better these qualities are and the better a job they do to inculcate them, the higher their children’s emotional intelligence will be and the better they’ll treat people.
Everything in life happens for a reason, and that includes ghosting. So don’t think you got hit by karma and that you’re paying the price for it. Instead, remember that the ghoster went through a lot (and still is) and that you mustn’t condemn him or her. Instead of losing your cool and getting nasty, understand, sympathize, and pity the ghoster.
He or she needs all the help in the world because it’s highly likely that the ghoster’s childhood hasn’t been easy and that the ghoster’s actions are a representation of his or her parents’ teachings and upbringing in general.
Ghosting someone who cares about you is inexcusable
The underlying truth about ghosting is that there’s no excuse for ghosting. It doesn’t matter if the ghoster knew his or her romantic partner for one week, one year, ten years, or if the ghoster didn’t get along with his or her partner at all.
There’s no need to ghost someone because there’s always a better way to end a relationship. And that way doesn’t involve turning into a speck of vanishing dust.
A good way to break up with someone you fell out of love with is to arrange a date and time that suits your partner, go to his or her place (or somewhere quiet), and end the relationship in private. You should be honest and say why you’re ending the relationship.
Don’t give any false hope, such as “It’s only temporary.” The person you’re breaking up with needs to know you’re serious and that there’s no chance of getting back together.
Once you’ve expressed yourself, you should offer support and talk about the breakup. Your partner will probably have many questions for you, so answer them and provide closure.
It won’t be easy to talk to a person you’ve detached from and lost feelings for, but that’s the price you have to pay. You have to suck it up and be responsible because the moment you break up with someone, it’s no longer about you.
It’s about the person who’s struggling to cope with anxiety and needs your sympathy and care.
What does ghosting do to a person?
When you get ghosted, you can’t help but wonder why your partner suddenly disappeared from your life. You think about the good times, the bad times, and all the times in between in order to find some kind of explanation that would justify your ex’s motive for ghosting you.
The anxiety from ghosting makes you hungry for answers and forces you to think that you got ghosted because of something you did or because you weren’t the person your ex wanted you to be.
But that’s not true. As we said before, ghosting is the ghoster’s problem, not yours. He or she ghosts because of unhealthy perceptions, emotions, and the inability to express and improve those emotions.
So don’t overanalyze your ex’s actions and drive yourself crazy with them. You’re far better off putting your energy into detachment and self-love because ultimately, obsessing about your ex and someone he or she may be dating is self-destructive.
It’s a waste of time and a perfectly good life.
I know it hurts like hell when someone you love abandons you coldheartedly and unexpectedly. It’s especially difficult if you’re going through a rough patch in life and could use love and support more than ever before.
But, unfortunately, people who can’t handle difficult emotions will usually abandon you when you’re struggling emotionally because that’s when you need them to invest in you and take care of you the most
You need them to support you and give you the kind of love only they can give.
Love and support, however, aren’t something smothered and immature people are happy to give when they’re doubting their decision to be with you. They prefer to spend their energy on themselves and abandon the relationship the moment it starts weighing them down and preventing them from reaching their personal goals.
So make sure to take care of yourself now and before you get into a relationship because you don’t want to end up in a situation where you depend on another person for happiness.
You want to remain strong at all times. So strong that even something as painful as ghosting won’t bring you down and ruin your emotional and physical well-being.
With that being said, here’s how ghosting affects a person after a serious relationship.
If your ex ghosted you after a serious relationship and hurt you a lot, know that it’s okay to cry and grieve. It’s okay to release the pain in whichever way you want as long as you look for answers without the help of your ex.
You may think you need your ex to provide answers for you and that you can’t move on without your ex’s closure, but that’s not true. You don’t need your ex to figure out why he or she left to get your old self back.
You just need to know that your ex’s ghosting had something to do with the way your ex perceived you.
So keep telling yourself that your ex chose to run away not because you’re a bad person or unworthy of a relationship, but because your ex couldn’t handle certain negative emotions and maintain the relationship. Your ex wasn’t properly equipped to stay committed, so he or she left when negative emotions outweighed the good.
It will be difficult, but do your best to give your ex space. Become a diligent follower of the indefinite no contact rule because this rule will help you regain control of your emotions and help you heal.
As you carry on with your life and continue to seek answers, you will likely wonder why things ended in such a cruel way. You’ll probably blame yourself for your ex’s actions and obsess about your disappearing ex to the point of exhaustion.
My advice to you is to distract yourself as much as possible. Keep yourself busy and focus on socializing and engaging in new and old activities. By doing so, you will take your ex off the pedestal and your mind a little bit every day—and slowly, one day at a time, get over your ex.
There will be times when nostalgia gets to you and forces you to relapse. You’ll think to yourself, “Did the relationship mean nothing to my ex? Why was it so easy for my ex to ghost me and ignore my feelings?”
When that happens, don’t let nostalgia control your thoughts and underplay his or her doings. Remind yourself that nostalgia is a part of the detachment process and that it will become less frequent as you learn to let go of your ex.
By all means, allow yourself to question your ex’s morality if doing so makes you feel better. Just don’t get revenge on your ex or contact your ex and demand an explanation for the ghosting.
Why does ghosting hurt so much?
Many psychologists have acknowledged that ghosting is a passive-aggressive method for causing emotional abuse to a person. They say it’s a form of rejection and ill behavior often associated with narcissism.
I completely agree with them.
The reason why ghosting hurts so much is that it ends a romantic relationship in the most abrupt way possible. It makes it go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye and forces you to grieve the end of the relationship without an understanding of what’s going on and whether the relationship has even ended.
All ghosting leaves you with are the memories you shared with an ex as well as a collection of text messages, pictures, and gifts that do more harm than good.
Such things hurt you because they make you think about the past and remember that your ex promised you the world and made you feel special.
There’s no telling how ghosting will affect you because everyone handles separation pain differently.
Some get over it faster than others because of the work they’d done on themselves prior to getting into the relationship while others require years of time to process it.
No matter what category you fit into, make sure not to take your ex’s behavior personally. Your ex may have ghosted you, but your ex didn’t do that because you’re not worthy of an explanation. He or she did it because of personal, neglected, unresolved issues.
So protect yourself by distracting yourself from thinking about the good times. Acknowledge the fact that your ex has lackings just like everyone else and that you don’t see them at the moment because the breakup pain is hiding them from you.
Tell yourself that a person who loves you and cares about you won’t leave you by ghosting you. A person who truly loves you won’t even leave you. He or she will confide in you and work on relationship and personal problems by communicating with you and looking for common ground.
How to move on after you got ghosted?
Getting over the feeling of getting ghosted takes a lot of time. It especially takes time if you were in a long-term relationship with your ex and your ex dropped you like a hot potato.
Try not to worry about the time it will take you to detach because the speed at which you forgive your ex for hurting you and move on from your ex is not something you can control. You have to process it at your own speed and let it out of your system naturally with time because time is your best healer.
Time will help you distance yourself from your ex’s maltreatment and allow you to find happiness by surrounding yourself with people who matter to you.
So whatever you do, don’t set a date by which you must be completely over your ex. High expectations will likely disappoint you and ruin your emotional progress. They’ll keep you reliant on your ex for closure and self-worth and delay your healing. So tell yourself that you’re getting stronger every minute and focus on letting go of your ex.
If you do, you’ll notice real detachment progress as you’ll notice that you sleep better and have more energy to do the things you love.
Right after the ghosting, you will probably have a lot of questions. You will ask yourself:
Did I somehow offend my ex?
Did I deserve to get ghosted?
Was I too demanding, needy, or did I talk too much or something?
Figuring out what went wrong and what you could have done to prevent the ghosting will likely become a new hobby of yours as it will turn into an addiction. You will become hungry for answers, but know that you don’t need all the answers right away.
For now, you should just keep in mind that your ex’s ghosting says a lot about the person your ex is.
Here are 10 tips you should follow to recover from ghosting after a serious relationship as quickly as possible.
1)Don’t get angry and seek revenge
It’s perfectly normal to feel betrayed and angry. It’s normal to feel lost and confused as well. But whatever you do, don’t act on your heartbroken emotions and seek revenge.
If you’re a person with decent morals, you’ll definitely regret hurting your ex once you’ve regained composure. Your guilty conscience will make sure of it, so be prudent and don’t take revenge on your ex.
Let karma do its job while you focus on healing and bettering yourself.
2)Don’t blame yourself
Whatever the reason for your ex’s departure is, don’t blame yourself for it.
Always remember that you got involved with the wrong person and that your ex’s ghosting is a reflection of his or her personality.
Ghosting depicts what your ex is like as a person and how your ex behaves when things get difficult.
3)Focus on yourself
You need to realize that your ex didn’t care enough about your feelings. He or she ended up looking after himself or herself and didn’t care about anything else. You need to do the same so that you can get over the ghosting.
You need to start taking care of yourself and recover from the pain that your ex has inflicted on you.
4)Accept that your ex left for good
If you’re hoping that your ex comes back and apologizes for ghosting you after a serious relationship, that is very self-destructive as it prevents you from accepting the fact that the relationship has ended.
It makes it difficult for you to process the ghosting and get your happy self back.
So work on accepting the breakup and stop holding on to reconciliation hope. When you finally accept it, you’ll regain your emotional independence and appreciate your own company.
But until then, tell yourself that your ex has finally shown you his or her true colors and that you can now find someone who will love you for the person you are.
5)Share your pain with others
Share your pain with your close friends and family. They’re the ones who truly support you and care deeply about you, so confide in them and let them help you.
If you do this often, you will gradually reduce your anxiety and realize that you don’t need someone like your ex in your life. You need people who know your worth and treat you well.
6)Work on developing yourself
There’s a time to grieve and there’s a time to get back on your feet. If it’s been months and you’re still hurting, know that pain has a positive side to it.
It allows you to acknowledge your shortcomings and provides you with the tools you need to rebuild your life. Not only can you rebuild it, but you can also make it better.
So embrace the pain and start by working on your flaws. The more you work on them, the more healthy improvements you’ll make. And when you’ve improved, chances are that you’ll outgrow your ex by a mile and attract someone who’s done a similar amount of work on himself or herself.
7)Learn from your experiences
It’s not the end of the world if your ex ghosted you. On the contrary, it’s a new beginning because you can now examine your mistakes and grow as a person.
You can correct your bad behavioral patterns, spend more time with your friends and family, and find passion again.
I know it sucks to get dumped this way, but consider it a perfect opportunity for you to become the best version of yourself and avoid people like your ex in the future.
8)Find closure on your own
Since you got ghosted, you’ll have to find closure on your own. You’ll have to process your thoughts and emotions and slowly let go of the past.
A great way to do that is to journal your thoughts and feelings. Write them down on a piece of paper and reread them from time to time. Pay attention to how they change over time and you’ll relieve your anxiety and find the answers you’re looking for.
9)Don’t be afraid to trust again
Just because your ex ghosted you after a serious relationship doesn’t mean that the next person will too.
If you become insecure about relationships and reflect your unprocessed (trust) issues onto others, chances are that you’ll show your next partner that you don’t trust him or her.
This could cause problems for both of you and make your partner give up when your behavior causes too much damage.
So work on forgetting about your biggest fears and insecurities—and consider your next boyfriend or girlfriend a completely different person.
10)Be optimistic in life
Life is full of unpredictable, often difficult times, so make it a habit to find something good in every bad situation. By doing so, you won’t take life too seriously and will learn to appreciate the limited time you have on this planet.
My ex-boyfriend ghosted me and it hurt
A few years ago, my boyfriend ghosted me out of the blue and hurt me more than words can describe. At first, I didn’t know why he did it, so I racked my brain and wondered if it had something to do with who I was and what I looked like.
I was so confused about his selfish behavior that I desperately wanted to know how I pushed him to ghost me. It was only until a few weeks later that I found out my ex was experiencing the grass is greener syndrome and that he left me for someone else.
That was when I started to feel even more insignificant and flawed and started to blame myself for not being good enough for him.
I’m not ashamed to admit that it took me a few months to finally get ahold of myself and realize that I wasn’t responsible for my ex’s ghosting. My ex was responsible for it because he made a conscious decision to ghost me. And that’s a decision he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life.
I felt a bit calmer when I discovered that ghosting wasn’t induced by me. It told me I deserved respect and made me see that even if he never regrets ghosting me, I would be okay with it. That’s why I soon completely disassociated from him and didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I was happy just spending time with friends and family because they had my best interests at heart.
That was the day when my happiness stopped depending on an ex who ghosted me and the people who add no value to my life.
So if you got ghosted after a serious relationship and you want your ex to make you feel better, know that you’re wasting your time. You’re wasting it on someone who’s interested only in helping himself or herself. It’s better that you forget about your ex and rely on yourself for as many things as possible in life.
I hope that this article has helped you understand what to do and not do when you get ghosted after a serious relationship. If it did, comment below. I’d like to know how you’re coping with the post-breakup blues. If you didn’t get ghosted though, feel free to comment as well. Let us know what you think about ghosters.
And if you’d like to talk with us about someone who ghosted you, sign up for coaching with us.
I’m Angelie, a writer and a designer at Magnet of Success. Whether I’m writing compelling content or designing engaging pictures, I create content that resonates with our visitors and aids them on their self-improvement journey. I enjoy writing about relationship dynamics and the difficulties couples may face.
I don’t know if this is considered ghosting but my ex girlfriend broke off with me right as we were trying to fix the relationship once she found out I reached out to her dad. I reached out to her dad once when she first broke up with me 2 months ago as I was not thinking straight and feeling devastated from the break up. She broke up with me via text straight after confronting me about reaching out to her dad and instantly blocked me on everything without hearing an explanation. This cuts deep.
Hi,
I cant say he ghosted me as we are still talking . we have completed 8th year togetherness. He is preparing for civil services and also have a Job which is really stressful I know. we discussed about marriage but keep postponing it coz of his dream. but suddenly , he start pulling away from me and i asked reason he said coz of study n job pressure so i supported him. Due to covid 19 i left my job and came to my home town. suddenly i realized he is talking to someone till midnight and asked about it . He said 4-5 friends keeps calling him coz of Lockdown. I accept untill i find his flight ticket with some another girl and i confronted him but he said he loves only me and they have some work together ( they are classmate) and promise to give time and said apologize.He booked the ticket on the same date when i went his home to stay. He is looking some girly item (not for me) , condoms Again asked about it he told me that they are for other person, but i still feel something is off. coz of his actions like he calls me on a fix time and hang up on 11.26 pm sharp. He is not the same i used to feel for him.. He is not accepting he cheated me on. please guide me should i believe him or stay or should i move on.. its feel like i am the one who is chasing.
Um leave…
Not sure if my situation squarely falls under ghosting or otherwise. My ex-girlfriend of 5 years dumped me in person. She told me it was over and that she was ending it because she saw no future for the two of us). I reasoned and showed abject disappointment but to no avail. The silence started right that day.
I reached out in the next few days and asked her not to do such an unkind disservice to our memories together. I wanted to discuss things out. She agreed to meet me the next day but, to my bitter disappointment, only to return the engagement ring I gave her. Reasoning with her felt like talking to a wall and I eventually uttered mean words to her due to feeling grossly betrayed after putting in so much effort into the relationship. We separated on a bad note. The relationship itself was a happy one (the occasional arguments, lots of travels & laughter, commuting to work together, deep connection between us; marriage was not on the horizon as we still had disagreements around finances but she would no longer wait).
I apologized the next day for the mean words and she simply reaffirmed that we should move on. Her silence continued since then. I tried reaching out the next month and was met with silence. She stayed silent even on my 40th birthday. On the following month, I wished her happy birthday (out of genuine wish to do so) and she simply replied thank you. I have since been in no contact with her.
Curiously, she is still actively viewing my Whatsapp status updates (and clearly has not blocked nor deleted my phone number). Communication is practically non-existent however. Is this technically ghosting?
Is not easy to get rid of thinking about ex, but my friend used this formulae and he’s now together with his ex
Mubarak Anwar:
Stop trying to peddle your silly scam. These people (myself included) are dealing with painful emotions that nobody should ever have to feel.
Your actions are a real disservice.
Please stop.
Is not scam…try and see
Mubarak, your spam is just pathetic and does not help. Please stop.
My question remains. Have I been ghosted or did she simply decide to cut off contact abruptly after dropping me?
DDhar:
Based on what you shared, your ex made a decision and was willing to discuss her feelings about the situation with you. She has since engaged in no contact. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this unpleasant experience.
This was my experience:
It was not an abusive relationship. There were no problems (based on our conversations and what she shared with me) and we discussed when we would see each other again once social distancing rules were relaxed. Without warning, my ex ended our relationship via text, going so far as to say that it probably won’t make sense as to her reasoning. I was never offered an opportunity to ask questions or to share my feelings either in person or on the phone. I had asked to call her the day before she ended our relationship. This could have been her opportunity to dish out the bad news. But I wasn’t afforded that luxury. Instead, I had to receive her feelings and final decision via text and that was it. Complete silence. I reached out one time…. And all I got was silence.
This is what it’s like to be ghosted.
It’s extremely unpleasant. And I’m sorry for anybody who has to experience it.
You weren’t ghosted. You’ve got your breakup talk and all.
My gf and I broke up after 3 years. Continued as best friends for a year, then became friends with benefits for another year. During this last year we basically acted like a couple except lack of intimate touch outside the bed. She even had a shelf at my place though and she herself said it is almost like we were dating. We had about 4 talks when we evaluated our relationship. She reassured every time that she is happier than ever, so I didn’t feel like we should make it official then. I was wrong. Covid hit and she said she was afraid of contracting it and I even suspected myself of being infected already. So we didn’t meet for a month and a half. Then she said something that made me suspect she has contact with my best friend. I called him, asked him what is between them and he said they were dating. I called her, confronted her and she told me she won’t talk about this at work and will call me back. She didn’t. Well, she did but only after I called a dozen times and even then she only told me to leave her alone. Didn’t give an explanation, didn’t care about what I had to say, nothing. That’s ghosting. The most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. It basically tells you you aren’t worth the bare minimum respect of being acknowledged. You feel like you are a ghost to her, she can’t see or hear you. It’s like she suddenly vanished into thin air, like a ghost.
Hi Ddhar, it doesn’t sound like ghosting to me. From other advice I have read on this website, it sounds like your ex has done you a service by making a clean break in person and then by going to no contact. I know it’s painful and hard, but she did meet you in person, which was the kind and respectful thing to do. I think the best thing for you to do is to simply wait and see if she reaches out to you. Best of luck.
HI Angelie,
I don’t know if I was ghosted or not. It feels that way. My ex-fiancee and I feel deeply in love this past winter, in fact, he was my Christmas present at a magical and wonderful musicians gathering I held at my house. We were blissfully enamored and made many plans, until covid happened. Then we were locked together in China, which was great, because we got to spend a lot of time together. Then we decided to go on a romantic get-away to Thailand. Our getaway ended up being many other things, and suddenly I had three of my children in very bad situations, which we dealt with together, and many other things, all happy and together, somehow making it through.
At some point, I had to return to China and his company asked him to stay there, which he did. We spent the next four months talking several hours every night and organizing our lives, as we had gotten engaged on my last night in the country. As it is for many people, there are many stressors in all of our lives right now. We started making plans to get married so he could return, or for me to move there with my children, so we could all be together. And then one day, he got very angry over a misunderstanding, while also finding out he has a fairly large skin cancer tumor on his face. He dumped me with no explanation and deleted me from everything.
After several days of absolute confusion, I was able to get that information from him, and also clear up the misunderstanding. We decided to resume our relationship, but after one day, I had a very vivid dream and knew we could not go back to normal. I suggested a break, and he quickly agreed. Then quickly after I asked him to clarify with me what the rules of the break were, he became very angry, told me he had met someone else and then again completely deleted and blocked me from all contact. That is where things stand now.
I am very saddened and shocked by the way that he handled the situation, as we always talked every problem through, even very big ones. I am trying to accept what has happened, to forgive him for his unkind way of leaving me, and to maintain distance. We share a few remaining social media groups, and I admit I have been taunting him in those groups indirectly, because I am hurt. We also have many, many friends in common, and they all know about what has happened. Many are shocked.
I cannot help but feel that many of the things that have happened are a direct result of covid, and that later on, when things settle down, we might be able to at least have closure with each other. But rather than the closure with him, I am trying to find it myself, to do things that are important to me and take care of me, and to remember that even in the worst circumstances, the man who wants to marry me would not behave this way. It’s very painful. I hope it will get easier. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Prairie.
The reason your ex got angry and ghosted you was because he cheated on you and fell out of love. It wasn’t because of COVID or some unpredictable circumstance.
He left because he followed his impulses and refused to distance himself from the other girl before he got comfortable and close to her.
Trust me. It’s going to get better. You’ll slowly start to comprehend that he isn’t the person you thought he was. He’s the person you saw at the end of the relationship. The kind that gets rid of those he no longer requires in his life.
Hang in there, Prairie!
Kind regards,
Angelie
Thanks Angelie. Well, I am not sure if you are right. I gave my fiancee permission to see another woman if he felt he needed that, but I asked him to be honest with me. However, the very day we decided to take a break is the day he apparently got together with her, and he only told me in anger because he was frustrated that I wanted to discuss the conditions of our break, while he did not want to discuss anything. I can hear your answer formulating as I write.
Okay. I’m doing my best to just simply accept the situation, understand myself better and find closure and happiness on my own. I really wish he had been honest and kind. That would have felt a lot better to me.
Hi Prairie, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but it sounds like you are grounded enough to get through this on your own. “…remember that even in the worst circumstances, the man who wants to marry me would not behave this way” absolutely!! Like many here, I know what it’s like being dropped and left with little to work with in terms of closure and healing unless we produce those things for ourselves.
Sounds like he was overwhelmed and just grasping to get through the past few months (cancer, covid, being unsure of the relationship etc). I wouldn’t call it technically 100% ghosting as it’s not like he disappeared into thin air, but he was extremely callous in how he ended the relationship from what it sounds like. He obviously isn’t strong enough to be your partner. You sound very strong, you need something bigger.
I myself am at the tail end of healing a heartbreak from a man who faded out/dumped me. I also had a few other relationships where the breakup was not perfectly clear and left me no closure but rather open and wounded. I find, time and time again, that closure can be found in the healing itself. It takes time, and addressing and walking straight through the pain is the best way for myself to deal with it. I hope you find this with yourself as well. Just from reading what you wrote, I firmly believe there are men out there who can do you so much better.
Thank you, Carly, for that response. I know that what you say is true, because my ex and I promised each other when we got together that we would make communication the top priority in our relationship, and that would be the thing that made it work. We also talked in great depth about our past traumatic experiences and I shared with him what I understand about my attachment strategy and what works and does not work with me, asking him to agree, which he did. But he did not follow through on that, and as it turns out, was unable to express his feelings of frustration or anger when he could have done so in a healthy way.
This is absolutely what I said I needed in the relationship from the very beginning, and for whatever reason, he could not live up to. So I know that what he really needs is to work on this aspect of himself, and that no new girlfriend, no matter how sexy she is, will fix that part of his personality for him-only a desire from within to overcome that challenge. Maybe he will be able to do that with her, but I think running straight into a new relationship is not a very good idea.
I am clear that I do not want and cannot handle a relationship right now. I’m also clear that it was my choice to allow him to not hold up his agreements with me and create a situation that was harmful for both of us. Actually, I broke up with him before he did with me, but right away regretted it and talked to him. I was very clear about asking him to be emotionally available to express his feelings so that we did not end up in the situation that ultimately happened, and now I think that more than anything else, he actually just could not find a way to keep our agreements, and that is the reason he dumped me. I think the girl was simply an easy way out.
So for now, I am working on examining myself and coming to terms with allowing another person to dishonor their agreements with me, and working on becoming a person for whom that is unacceptable. You are right. I deserve something better than that, and I know that the way to get it is to maintain no-contact, to work on myself and to heal. I have to admit that I still love my ex very much, and I hope that he will be able to do the work on himself that he needs so that we can reconcile in the future. But I also know that it is out of my control and I cannot emotionally afford to spend a lot of time on false hope.
This website has been very helpful for me, and I have read and reread many articles many times in the last week or so. I especially love the short paragraphs, the clear language, and the images. We know from brain research that images with color and text are much easier to store in long term memory, and those images come back to me again and again as I struggle to move on and heal. Thank you to the team and their stellar model of assisting people in pain.
Thank you for this article…..it made me look at the guy who ghosted me a bit differently by realizing he has deep-seeded issues prior to me. I will re-read this over and over while I’m trying to get over the new pain that I’ve incurred as of a month ago by him leaving….and it being long distance is a double whammy. Thank you for writing this….
Hi Brandi.
I’m glad that the article has helped you see your ghoster differently. Remind yourself that his hurtful actions don’t define you. They define him because he’s the one who didn’t want to deal with a difficult confrontation.
Since you were in an LDR, the breakup should be easier than if you were living together for example. You don’t have to see him and can instead focus on moving on and rebuilding your life.
Kind regards,
Angelie
Thanks for this article, I really appreciate the content of this site!
For me the big question is: They stay silent and ignoring us, so why they keep the communication channels open (whatsapp and FB)? I have been ghosted or ignored but no blocked in any place. If you don’t want to talk to a person or you this person makes you feel bad (guilty or whatever), why you keep the doors open?
Hi Sandra.
Sometimes dumpers leave the doors ajar simply because they don’t see a reason to close them completely. They want to remain accessible in case you really really need to reach out to them.
Just because they feel guilty and don’t want to talk to you doesn’t mean that they have to block you. But they will if you don’t leave them alone.
Sincerely,
Angelie
Thanks Angelie.
I was wondering if they leave the communication channels open in case they want to reach out. I will not break the NC (1 year right now) and I am losing hope to get a simple “hey, how are you”. But I assume that these words would imply so much interest (she was stalking my Linkedin profile las month). Anyways thanks for your reply.
My exgirlfriend tried to friend zone me after the last few months of her lying, ghosted me in the past, head games and no doubt an alcohol issue. I called her out on everything and she said goodbye through text and I never heard from her again. Unfortunately, I chased her, cried, pleaded and lost my dignity. It’s been over two years and I never heard from her again. I could see if I was a POS, but I adored her and her child and was very good to them. She was in abusive relationships in the past. I am still confused, hurt, angry and ashamed that I chased her. I can’t seem to move on with my life.
Hi Jimmy.
You can and will move on. But you really, really have to want to move past the fact that she hurt you and left you. Do this by forgiving your ex for mistreating you and love yourself from the bottom of your heart.
This is the time for you to rebuild your self-esteem. When you do, you’ll detach from her completely and start to live your life again.
You can do it, Jimmy!
Angelie
This is wrong and often times terrible abusive people are “ghosted” by their victims and that’s supposed to be the victims fault because they didn’t have an explanation or strength to stand up to their abuser? Write something worthwhile
Lisa, that’s not at all what the article is saying. If you’re a victim of any kind of extreme abuse, physical or otherwise, you should 100% get out as fast as possible. That’s not what ghosting is about or what this article is trying to insinuate.
Hi Lisa.
I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear that this article isn’t about victims of abuse. It’s about functional relationships and overall ghosters’ behavior.
Best regards,
Angelie
But please also add that the ghosters prefer to have the victim mentality even when they did most, if not all, of the abusing. My ex abused me emotionally and on one or two occasions physically and once sexually and still the only single explanation I’ve managed to get out of her after blowing up her phone was her mentioning in passing that I disrespected her. Seriously. I sometimes called her dumb for asking objectively retarded questions. I asked the same questions from friends and even strangers and they all just raised their eyebrows, asking if she was brain damaged or something. Since then I’ve learned that there is a breakup tactic where you intentionally go on the nerves of your partner, then play the victim when the nervous breakdown happens. This is also just another form of emotional abuse.
Thank you Angelie,
This article has helped me to see my ghoster in a new light.
At first I was extremely confused about why he left and the pain was unbearable. I was racking my brain constantly for answers which, of course, I cannot know and give myself.
With time I have given myself closure, his reasons are irrelevant. What matters is that he did not want to be with me.
I am in strict no contact and almost over him.
Thanks to you I now see him as a weak person, a coward and not someone who has any power over me. I am the stronger person here, with self-respect, strength and of high value.
I deserve better and will get it!
Hi Gigi.
Ghosters are cowards who choose the easy way out. But the easy way doesn’t mean that it’s the right way. It’s the selfish, hurtful way that reveals their worst colors.
You indeed deserve better, and you’ll definitely get it, Gigi. It’s only a question of time.
So keep healing and make sure you don’t develop trust issues because of this one person.
Sincerely,
Angelie
Ghosted via Text message after 9 years of relationship, about 6 months ago. I will re-read this particular blog several times over the next several weeks. The selfishness and lack of any empathy for the pain and hurt.. .and running from feelings other than their own. That nails it. Pure selfishness to destroy someone’s heart like this, and yes, if someone loves you, they won’t do this. It is a coward’s way out. I have a long way to go to forgiveness and letting karma take over, but I’ll get there. Thank you for this writing / blog. You’re helping people through one of their darkest times.
Hi DJ.
I’m sorry that you got ghosted after 9 years. I hope that you recover from your ex’s lack of care and sympathy as quickly as possible and that you find someone who will choose to communicate with you.
Work on forgiving your ex, DJ. It may not be what she deserves, but you definitely deserve a relieve and to let go of her as quickly as possible.
Hang in there!
Angelie
Strangely enough, after 14 months, you guessed it… a “how are you?” text. Expressed regret and sought to alleviate her own guilt with a “it’s not you, it’s me” half-truth. Fortunately for me, the other blog posts on this site have helped me, as has the no-contact rule. It’s been the single best thing I’ve read on getting over a break up anywhere on the Internet. I can’t thank all of you enough.. because when I got that text, I was prepared. I have moved on, and found someone who is amazing and loves me deeply. I did it by moving through the pain one day at a time, and focusing on being my best self, just like this site suggests. It works, and it’s a miracle. Thank you all.
After my ex ghosted me for 14 days, and after trying everything in the book to find her I gave up and blocked her on facebook. For a while i just couldn’t stand to think I would be seeing her profile pic when she got a new bf. Now I’m at a point where I don’t want any sort of contact with her and don’t need any closure from her. My question is should I unblock her or leave it as is?
Hi Vic
I am in a similar situation and have decided to never unblock my ex ever again. Otherwise I would be online stalking him and I also don’t want him to have the reassurance to know that I am alive. I have become a ghost to him!
After 5 months of strict no contact from me I am almost over him.
What is there to gain from unblocking? He might see it as an invitation to get in touch. If he really wanted to he could get in touch via other channels. Him not getting in touch is a sign that he doesn’t want to be in touch.
Your ex isn’t interested either. Keep her blocked and stay strong!
Good luck!
Hi Vic.
Good job on detaching from the ghoster. Although I normally suggest that people don’t block their ex, I think you should keep your ex blocked since you’ve already done it. In this way, you’ll tell her that you aren’t interested in her anymore and that you don’t want to converse either.
Kind regards,
Angelie
I absolutely love this blog there’s not a better one on the internet, my story isn’t a ghosting one but my ex of 6 years who I have a beautiful daughter with cheated on me the acted normal for a couple of days then dumped me, I didn’t find out about the cheating till a couple of weeks later after being dumped and to find out the guy it was with was her married work colleague was an even bigger kick in the guts as she knew how I felt about cheating and him as he is a serial cheater I feel so much for his wife, but karma hit my ex as quickly as the she jumped into bed with him because she is now pregnant by him and he has told her to do one which has come as no shock to me, I struggled so badly for the first couple of months but then I found this blog and slowly reading nearly every post I realised that her behaviour said nothing about me but everything about her and I decided that I wouldn’t give the negative thoughts any more power over me and I have never felt happier, the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that there is nothing more empowering than forgiving and letting go it’s not easy but once you do you will see that life is far far to short to hold onto hate and anger, the person who cheats or ghosts you doesn’t deserve hate and anger no matter how much you think they do it only gives them power over you when actually if you think about it you have actually won despite what they have done to you because you can walk with dignity and respect where as they wether they admit it or not can’t. Life is cruel sometimes and there are people out there that don’t care about the pain they cause but by being calm and dignified you take all the power back and you then get the chance to find someone that truly deserves you which to me is a BIG win!!!!
Hi Nik.
I’m glad that you find this blog useful.
Your ex cheated on you because she has poor morals and couldn’t control her impulses. That’s essentially why she fell out of love with you and in love with a married person. I suggest that you leave her up to karma and rebuild your life without her. Focus on your wants and needs and sooner than later, you’ll find peace again.
Life is indeed too short to hate those who have wronged us. I’m glad you’ve realized this and that you’re learning as much as you can.
With your mentality, you’ll find someone as well-aware as you.
Stay strong,
Angelie
I find it normal to no longer have connections from previous lover when everything was really over. I guess the next step is just to move on.
Amazing article. Well-written.
Thank you, Anna!
Angelie
Any person that ghosts another is the lowest form of human trash. They are broken and damaged goods and as painful as it is for you in the short run to get over the betrayal, just know that they did you a favor by removing themselves from your life. Trust me, karma will find them and their turn will come. In the meantime, take the time you need to rebuild yourself and level up. Upgrade your life in every way possible including your next relationship and before you know it, your ex will be nothing but a meaningless distant memory that you’ll value only as an important lesson.
Hi DK.
You’re right!
By removing themselves from our lives, ghosters do us a huge favor. They show us who they really are and stop wasting our time.
Thank you for your empowering words!
Angelie
Wow thanks for sharing.
I write this a month after being dumped via message.
Early this year i knew something was wrong because after 4years she stopped calling and messaging.
Whenever i called there was always im busy call you back but it rarely happened.
I suspected she had found someone else.
When confronted a month later she admitted to being with someone from her past.
And that they love each other.
Much later i put the pieces together and learned that the month that she changed was the month she had moved in with her new partner.
Of course i was a wreck.
I wished her well and tried to get my affairs in order.No dramas.
It has been a more than a month since i received her message that she loved this other person and there was nothing i could do to change that.
Now when i look back，I am so glad that I can see this person for who she really is.A liar，coward and unwunworthy of my tears.
It is so important that we chose to forgive them for our sake.peace of mind.and then release them for ever.
Your story sounds like mine, four years, messages not being picked up, etc.. except mine was grooming a rebound instead of an old flame. All her old flames were abusive but then again, damaged people seem to like that toxicity in their lives. People like this don’t even know a good thing that is right in front of them.
Take care.
Hi Kay.
Forgiving your wrongdoers is the best you can do for yourself and your loved ones. And that’s because holding grudges doesn’t hurt them, it hurts you and only you.
So release your bottled-up emotions and let go. Forgive them for everything they ever did to huyt you and you’ll once again be that care-free person you wish to be.
Sincerely,
Angelie
This is deep… and I’m sorry for going through all this. But all this will make us stronger and wiser in the end (hope so)… its such a helpful article even that I wasn’t ghosted… I was cheated on and left and he left for someone else
Hi Linda.
Getting cheated on is just as bad as ghosting. It hurts as much (if not more) too. So stay around people you love and trust. They are the ones who truly matter right now — and not your ex.
Kind regards,
Angelie
Hey today is not a Zan’s post, but a wise lady’s. You’re smart! I could understand more about ghosting, in my case my ex is ghosting me by blocking me on facebook (I’m a dumpee). I’m haven’t been contacting her for 3 months. But should we at some point (3 months after no contact) check on them by texting her? Because I think I have nothing to lose now, just give them a text if she doesn’t reply then I’ll move on with life. I need your advice on my intention.
Thanks in advance.
Hello… from what I’ve learned, do not contact her. EVER.
I completely understand that by reaching out to her, in your mind, it seems perfectly logical and shows that you still care. Believe me, I totally understand how you feel because I’m in a similar situation. However, from what I’ve read and learned, contacting her will only set yourself up for a high probability of disappoint and heartache…. like ripping open a freshly healed scab. Do you want to risk revisiting those terrible feelings of sadness and rejection? You’ve been so strong for the last three months! Don’t give up in your quest for personal growth and happiness.
Everything I’ve learned so far is beginning to make sense. Let her contact you. If it’s meant to be, she will. And if she doesn’t, it simply means that there is somebody better out there who will appreciate you for “you”. I know that’s a tough pill to swallow, but if you truly analyze it with an open heart, it’s what you both deserve.
If you truly care for her and have loving feelings for her and want only what’s absolutely best for her, you will let her go, peacefully. And you will be a stronger, more caring and thoughtful human being than when you first met this woman. So there’s a positive outcome no matter what!
Sending you positive vibes… you’ve got this! Stay strong. Remain positive.
Hi
You have your dignity to lose!
Do not check in with her. She is not interested and it’s going to end with another rejection and more pain for you.
Move on with your life now!
Best wishes
Hi Fernaldes.
Thank you for your kind words.
You should never contact your ex. Especially if she blocked you and hasn’t made the effort to acknowledge your worth. Moreoever, you always have something to lose if you reach before your ex is ready, such as respect, self-respect and the built-up post-breakup power.
Sincerely,
Angelie
My ex-girlfriend and I met December of 2019. Things were wonderful… she’s super intelligent, funny, very attractive, we shared many similar interests and just an overall wonderful human being to be with. We made time to spend together even though our schedules would conflict.
Then Covid-19 happened.
We felt that social distancing would be the smart thing because everything was crazy with the total shutdown here in NY. We communicated regularly with phone calls and texts. But as the months of lockdown went on, the calls became less frequent and the texts were fewer and more brief. I began to notice and was concerned if my texting didn’t give her space she needed space, so I backed off, thinking I’ll let her reach out to me when she’s comfortable. Days would go by without any communication.
A week went by without any phone communication and only brief good morning texts wishing her a good, safe day. And then one Sunday afternoon, I received a text message basically saying with all the madness going on in the world, she can’t internalize everything and be involved in a relationship… that things might change down the line… in order for her to go down that path, she needs to leave the present. She was very sorry.
I gave it a few hours and replied with a lengthy text expressing my sadness for her feelings, but that I respect them. I listed a few things I knew we could work on, like better communication. And I agreed that with Covid19 social distancing, it put a strain on the relationship. But I offered to remain just friends at this point and wished her all the best.
No response from her.
I let a week pass and I mailed her a card… very brief and to the point… asking if I can reach out occasionally just to say hello… if I can be a friend now or a friend down the line… or if I should just back off all together…. that I don’t need to be in a relationship now, but that I would like to contribute to her life in a positive, meaningful and supportive capacity.
No response from her.
I’ve never contacted her since. I completely respect her feelings and her space.
I wish I could have at least had the opportunity to talk with her when she made her decision. Rather then to receive this depressing news via text message only to never hear another word from her again.
I was beating myself up, questioning what I did wrong? What should have I done better?
So my question for you: is this a form of Ghosting? The final text message followed by radio silence?
Yes. Stop chasing her. She has no more value to you now unless she reaches out. I know it hurts like hell. I’ve been there but it does get better. Also know, you can never ever be just friends with someone that you were romantically involved with and you should not accept friendship from her either. Breakups are shit for everyone, everywhere no matter what shape or form they come in.
Yes it is ghosting!
It’s not your fault but do use the time for reflection and self-improvement so that your next relationship will be better.
You have reached out, she ignored you which is rude and shows that she has no respect for you. Her message is clear, she doesn’t want contact with you.
Please keep your dignity and never reach out again. Save yourself from further rejection and humiliation.
It sounds like you are well on your way anyway.
All the best!
You think you know someone you’ve been with so well. They’re so loving, nurturing, sweet and attentive until they leave you. You give each other years of your lives and then they turn into selfish insensitive Mr. Hyde’s.
So many evil things that come out of their mouths, they have zero idea the pain they caused and they don’t even care.
I lost a lot of weight and I was already thin to begin with but I’ll never forget my ex when she said “do you need a hamburger or something?” To me, that was such a cruel remark considering the way she left me, treated me horribly, then got with her first rebound and the nasty smugness I can see in her face from this “achievement.”
I know we aren’t supposed to wish bad things on people but it’s really hard not wanting karma to hand them some poison so they get their lesson in life.
Honey you deserve much better.Forgive release them to karma.
Thank you for your reply Kay. I thought I forgave her but there are so many days my anger takes over to think my “angel” was really a devil in disguise.
Hi Cecily.
Unfortunately, we discover our partner’s darkest colors when our partner no longer needs us. That’s when we learn how our partner treats strangers (people he or she can’t benefit from). So be glad that your ex-girlfriend finally showed you what she’s like because you can now finally see her for who she truly is.
What she told you was truly nasty, Cecily. You can be certain that karma is on her way because with her attitude, it’d be difficult not to offend anyone.
Hang in there!
Angelie
What’s the difference between ghosting and no contact?
Technically nothing but with ghosting the dumpee has no idea his/her relationship has ended as the dumper just vanishes into thin air with no explanation most of the time leaving the dumpee with the worst kind of anxiety and pain. Like I said above, people that ghost are the worst kind of human trash and deserve everything that karma sends their way eventually.
Hi Nicolas.
When you ghost someone, you coldheartedly disappear without telling him/her that you’re leaving. No contact, on the other hand, is a method of refusing to contact the dumper by respecting him or her and prioritizing your well-being.
I hope this answers your question.
Sincerely,
Angelie