My heart goes out to anyone who’s in love with their ex when their ex is dating someone else already. I know how much it hurts to see the person you love with someone else. Before you even get the chance to accept the breakup and move on, your ex is already sleeping with someone new and planning a future with him or her.
It’s like your commitment didn’t matter.
But even if it didn’t matter, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s actions. It’s not your fault your ex is dating someone else already and acting like you don’t exist.
It’s your ex’s fault because your ex doesn’t care about anyone other than himself or herself.
Dumpers often start dating again after the breakup because doing so makes it possible for them to ignore relationship issues and distracts them from reality. It gives them an opportunity to sweep problems under the rug and focus on making themselves feel good.
You need to know that anyone who does that doesn’t deserve your love, attention, and commitment. The person you were with deserves to be cut out of your life so that you can forget about your ex and be happy again.
From now on, you need to work on taking your rose-tinted glasses off and seeing your ex for the person he or she is. That’s how you’ll be able to let go of reconciliation hope and enjoy your life without your ex in it.
This post is for you if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts.
Why is my ex dating someone else already?
If you’re in a lot of pain because your ex is dating someone else already, you’re probably wondering why on Earth your ex started dating so quickly. Why didn’t your ex take the time to reflect, learn from the breakup, and improve in ways he or she needs to improve?
You must be so flabbergasted by your ex’s actions that you wonder if you ever even knew your ex.
Thoughts like these are completely normal as people aren’t always who they present themselves to be. In relationships, they may appear nice, friendly, and loyal, but when they leave their partners, they show their exes who they really are. They show them how they treat people they fell out of love with and how selfish they can be when they feel tempted to get involved with other people.
I’d like you to know that the reason your ex is dating someone else already has nothing to do with what you were like in a relationship with your ex. People who monkey-branch into a new relationship shortly after the breakup usually do so to get the most out of their life.
They want to love and be loved by someone else and forget about the life they had with their ex-partner. I don’t know about you, but to me, anyone who moves on so quickly has very little if any care any sympathy for the ex. All he or she is thinking about is “me, me, me.”
Sometimes the reason for a “me mentality” is temptations and the inability to control those temptations—and other times, monkey-branchers think of themselves as victims and blame their exes for the way they feel. They don’t want to take responsibility, so they make their ex responsible for their actions, anger, and their lack of romantic feelings.
It’s unfortunate, but many dumpers are in a hurry to date someone else. They’re tired of their previous relationship and think they deserve love. That’s why they usually get together with the first person who shows interest in them. The new person makes them limerent and forces them to go through the stages of a new relationship.
To dumpers who just broke up with an ex, the only thing that matters is how exciting their new relationship feels. Everything else doesn’t matter as they can figure it out later when or if their relationship gets serious.
You mustn’t keep an eye on your ex while your ex is in the love phase because it will destroy you emotionally, make you obsessed with your ex, and waste your precious post-breakup time. You should instead invest in yourself and try to stay as busy as you can.
With that said, here’s why your ex is dating someone else already.
These are the main reasons why your ex is dating already. Since it’s so easy to find a new person to date these days, people get involved with someone new rather quickly.
Instead of reflecting on their mistakes and improving themselves, they get together with someone they barely know and see if it’s possible to make the relationship work.
Your ex isn’t rushing just because he or she is afraid of being alone. Your ex is probably used to being in a relationship because relationships provide your ex with relationship benefits and make him or her feel validated, respected, loved, and emotionally/sexually fulfilled.
But unfortunately, most relationships make couples feel good and special until couples get out of the infatuation phase and start encountering disagreements and problems. That’s when they learn to work together or break up.
Initially, people enter into relationships to feel accepted, validated, and fulfilled.
But when they get comfortable around each other, they stop putting such an importance on those particular emotions and want:
- security
- longevity
- understanding
- support
- comfort
- peace
My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts
If your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts badly, I suggest that you protect yourself by distancing yourself from your ex. The easiest way you can do that is by following the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will prevent you from finding out unnecessary information about your ex and his or her new partner and slowly return your sense of self-worth.
It won’t happen overnight, but the longer you stay in no contact the more and quicker you’ll recover. You won’t have to overload your brain with questions such as whether your ex is happy in his or her new relationship and if your ex will ever come back.
What your ex does when you go no contact doesn’t concern you anymore.
All that matters in no contact is your well-being. Your ex doesn’t care much about you, so you need to fall in love with yourself. When you do, your pain will decrease and your ex’s value in your eyes will soon follow suit. That’s when you’ll take your ex off the pedestal and understand that thinking about your ex is a big waste of time.
Not only is it unnecessary, but it’s also making it harder for you to detach and find your happiness. And “hard” is not something you need. The breakup is already plenty difficult. You now need to become emotionally independent so you can once again worry about things that actually matter.
Here are 8 tips you can follow today that will guarantee the smoothest recovery when you’re hurting because your ex is dating someone else already.
Keeping tabs on your ex serves no purpose. It only depresses you, makes you blame yourself, keeps your hope alive, and prevents you from moving on. And so does keeping your ex’s gifts.
So if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts like hell, take my words of advice seriously. Start no contact with your ex right now. You have nothing to lose by cutting your ex out of your life. Only things to gain.
The sooner you decide to stand up for yourself and prioritize healing, the more your ex will respect you and the more you’ll respect yourself.
Your self-esteem has probably dived, so this is a good time to rebuild it.
What can you do when your ex is dating someone else?
If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend started seeing someone else right away or soon after the breakup, the best thing you can do is to do nothing.
Doing nothing cultivates the best possible results because it gives your ex a chance to be free. Freedom will make your ex see your strength and allow your ex to respect you for your ability to handle breakups maturely.
So do your best not to:
- get revenge on your ex
- seek closure
- talk to your ex or about your ex
- show you’re hurt and in denial
- message your ex’s new partner
Trying to win your ex over with words and insecure actions is only going to push your ex toward his or her new partner and hurt you more.
That’s because neediness and insecurities could make your ex:
- laugh at you
- get a huge ego boost
- lose respect for you
- block you
- show your texts to his or her friends
It’s much better for your ex and safer for you to follow the rules of no contact and wait for your ex to make the first move. Your ex dumped you, so no matter what the circumstances are, your ex must be the one to come to you.
Your ex must find reasons to communicate with you and decide to take things further with you.
Competing with your ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend
First of all, your ex doesn’t want you to fight for him or her. Your ex wants space because space will let your ex give his or her new relationship a chance to blossom.
You probably don’t want that to happen, but right now, you don’t have a choice. Interfering with your ex’s relationship is going to make you look really bad. It’s going to make your ex perceive you even worse than he or she already does and complicate things for both of you.
So if you want the best for yourself as well as your ex, let your ex date his or her new partner. Let your ex be free while you work on improving yourself and rebuilding your happiness and self-esteem.
The new person could be of more use to you than you think. The new man or woman could make your ex realize that you were a better romantic partner and cause your ex to rebound badly. That could force your ex to come running back and apologize for leaving.
Until that happens, though, you need to keep your composure and focus on loving yourself.
Here are some tips to remember when your ex starts dating someone else.
In the relationship with your ex, you showed who you were and what you were capable of. Now it’s the new person’s turn to impress your ex and try to have a relationship with your ex.
You’re probably thinking, “But I wasn’t my best self when I was with my ex. I neglected my ex and took my ex for granted.“
Dear reader, nobody’s perfect. Not you, your ex, or your ex’s new partner. Everybody makes mistakes—and so will your ex’s new partner. It’s just a matter of time because people are flawed by nature.
When relationships are new, we give it our best and appear to be perfect. But when things get old and emotions of excitement subside, we take each other for granted at times and sometimes even get the grass is greener syndrome.
That’s when we show how willing we are to maintain our romantic relationship.
I’m telling you this so you don’t put yourself down for the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship. Now that you’re no longer with the person you love, you must give your ex space and work on things that need work. You may not be able to fix the past and the way your ex felt about your words and actions, but you can make sure that you do things differently in the future.
Your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend will have to go through all the relationship stages. And when he or she does, the grass is greener syndrome could kick in, causing them to experience issues.
Here are 3 simple things GIGS needs to develop.
So when your ex detaches from you and starts dating someone else, keep in mind that your ex will expect this new person to be better than you. Your ex will want to have what you had, just without the disagreements or certain problems.
And your ex might get that. The real problem is that your ex will have to face different issues and find ways to resolve those issues. If he or she can’t, your ex will fail badly and see that the problem was with him/her and not you.
That’s something that could take a lot of time, so don’t wait for your ex to have an epiphany. If your ex’s new relationship is a rebound, it could take months for him or her to get through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.
Here are those stages.
- Infatuation
- Honeymoon
- Reality and conflicts
- Nostalgia and comparisons
- Regret and disappointment
- Reconnection or abandonment
So if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts, keep in mind that this new person could be the road back to your heart—even if you messed up badly.
But for that to happen, your ex must fail, get hurt, and discover your worth on his or her own.
It hurts so much! My ex doesn’t care about me at all!
If you think that your ex doesn’t care, you’re probably right. If your ex cared, he or she wouldn’t have left and started dating someone else. Your ex would have stayed by your side and helped you get over the breakup.
Dumpers who care about their exes offer sympathy and support. They show that despite breaking up, they value their ex as a human being and that they don’t want their ex to suffer.
Your ex didn’t do that. Your ex happily jumped into a relationship with someone else and showed you how little you meant to him or her.
That tells you that your ex is not very special at all. He or she isn’t someone you should be crying over and hoping to get back with. Your heart probably tells you that your ex is worth the wait, but that’s only because you’re hurt. Once you stop hurting and regain your composure, you’re going to wonder what you were thinking when you wanted to be with your ex even though your ex was with someone else.
Always remember that anyone who starts dating someone else does so because he or she doesn’t want to be with you anymore/again. It doesn’t matter if your ex told you things like, “It’s just a break, It’s not serious, I feel like we’ll get back together in the future.”
Promises after the breakup are empty. They carry no weight and assurance that the dumper will come back and actually want to be with you. So try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is your worst enemy after the breakup as it’s keeping you in the past while your ex is dating someone else, focusing on the present and future.
A person who cares about you and wants to be with you will show you care today, not tomorrow or a week from now. He or she will do what you need to heal and not what’s best for him or her to save face and avoid guilt.
So if your ex isn’t helping you, help yourself. Sign up for therapy, confide in your family, ask your friends for help, and stay busy. The things you do after the breakup will determine how long it takes to get over the breakup and what you learn from it.
The real reason why exes come back
When dumpers break up with dumpees, they have no intention of ever coming back. To them, the breakup is final, absolute, certain, definite, and done. They’ve decided not to stay with their exes and that they must focus on their own happiness.
And that’s what they do.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that they never go back on their word. Sometimes they try to enjoy their lives but fail. They run into problems and learn that their ex was better than they’d thought. As a result, they contact their ex and find out what their ex is up to.
If their ex still longing for them, they feel that their ex can’t help them with whatever they’re going through and find someone else to date. But if their ex appears to be doing well and doesn’t need them back, they become curious about their ex and want to know more.
They want to know what’s keeping their ex busy and giving their ex strength while they’re miserable. That’s why they try to get back with their ex.
So for your ex to come back, your ex will most likely need to suffer in his or her new relationship. Your ex will need to compare you to the new person and see that you were a decent partner. That’s when your ex will start to doubt his or her new relationship and actions and wonder if you’ll take him or her back.
You need to remain strong and in control of your life so that if you still want to be with your ex when your ex wants you back, you can control the flow of the new relationship and tell your ex to work on things he or she badly needs to work on.
Let your ex come to you!
If you’re still thinking to yourself, “My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts,” your first and only priority should be to heal and get your ex out of your mind.
I know it’s hard to let your ex go, but you need to start accepting the breakup and moving on. The only way your ex will want to be with you again is if you exude strength and let your ex come to you. Any other method will likely annoy your ex and make your ex even more hesitant about being with you.
So don’t beg and plead, apologize or do anything that won’t impress your ex.
If you make post-breakup mistakes, you’ll ruin the way your ex sees you and make reconciliation very difficult. You’ll basically show you’re not on the same page with your ex and that you’re not worthy of being in a relationship with your ex.
Even if you don’t want your ex back anymore, you should still stay away from your ex. Follow no contact so that you can work on yourself and become the person you want to be.
Is your ex dating someone else already and it hurts? What are you doing to cope with anxiety? Let us know by commenting below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your ex’s new relationship and the pain it’s giving you, visit our coaching page for more information.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hello,
I read this article and it hit really hard.
But I have one problem that I don’t know how to solve right now.
My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago, but we live together, and have to live together for another 6 months. We also have a 10 year old daughter who we haven’t told about our breakup yet.
I’m really struggling with what to do because I’m constantly reminded that this man, who I love so deeply, is already dating another woman (which he’s lying about and hasn’t been honest about this).
How do I escape the pain when he’s so close by?
I feel like I can’t be sad when I’m home, for my daughter’s sake and for his sake, but it’s really hard. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi Susan.
I think your daughter is old enough to comprehend and accept the decision your ex has made. It may not be to her liking, but she needs to know. Hiding it from her won’t change the fact that you’re separated and that life is about to change for everyone. Thing will be easier when you open up to your daugther and let it out.
Spend more time with your daughter and make sure she doesn’t hate her father. Be respectful toward him and stay busy!
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I appreciate the advice but I strongly disagree. I don’t want my daughter to live in confusion and anxiety while her father and I are forced to live together. I don’t see the harm in keeping this from her until it’s close to moving day.
You didn’t really answer the question I’m most worried about, which is what to do to escape the pain and disrespect that my ex is showing me..
It seems like it shouldn’t be too hard for him to just wait until we don’t live together.
Hi Susan.
Try to avoid your ex when possible. You won’t be able to escape pain if you put yourself in situations that allow him to treat you unfairly. This is why it’s necessary to move out as soon as possible. Don’t fight him or react negatively. As difficult as it is, try to look neutral and unaffected.
Best,
Zan
I think this article allowed me to see what I was feeling in words and helped to solidify things I could do to help myself walk through a bit of what I have experienced. I was in an abusive relationship for almost 7 years and this person broke up with me six months ago and they have been seeing someone and are in a relationship now for a few months. I just found out about this last week and I was really devastated. The bare minimum that I had asked for in the relationship (respect, critical thinking, honesty, communication) that never happened is now happening with his current partner and this news is hard to live with. I am in no way a perfect person, I have my own flaws and money I continue to learn every day. But I never heard him the way he did to me. I ended up confronting him about it on social media and asking why was it so easy to move on and how could he as if I didn’t matter as if I was garbage. The emotional and mental and some physical abuse I endured along with manipulation makes me question my worth all the time and if what I experienced wasn’t really real, because he says we had good moments. I have blocked his family on social media And now have blocked him. I just feel worthless and I gave all of myself to this relationship. The reasons for him breaking up with me were based on my physical appearance and that my worldviews about the world and social justice are too much for him. He said that because I did not shave my armpits consecutively -that it disgusted him. This is just a minor example of plenty of things which he decided made me an inadequate person to be with. All of this has been hard to heal from on top of now that he’s with someone who he has these things with it really hurts and I find it hard to move on. I don’t want to get back together but I did want him to see how much pain he caused.. but no matter what I say or how I say it he won’t realize that harm.
Learning not money*
Hi Y.
You have to find love within yourself. Your ex won’t help you becauase he’s not that kind of person. He doesn’t see or care the harm he’s caused, so you shouldn’t seek understanding and closure for him. You have to find it on your own. Do that with therapy, journaling, and opening up to friends and those who listen. You were in an unhealthy relationship for a very long time, so expect your healing to take a little while. You basically have to rebuild your self-worth. The more you love yourself, the better your next relationship will be.
Sincerely,
Zan
I was in a long distance relationship with my ex partner for 3.5 years. Back in april he was visiting for two months and on may he dumped me. He was staying for another month, and after about a week and a half I asked if we could see each other and we ended up basically having a relationship without having a relationship until he left.
After he left we were supposed to reduce contact, and I sent him a few mails that he replied to. We started texting regularly after that.
He spent some time living with his parents until he found a place to rent, and while he was staying there he’d tell me that he missed me and our life here and stuff of the sort. At one point he even asked if I thought we should try again, to which I answered that he was the one that had to answer that, since I never wanted to break up in the first place. That didn’t really go anywhere. After he moved back to the city when he found a place he seemed to be down and missing for the first week-ish, and then he started going out.
August 23rd he told me he needed us to stop talking for a while, and that he needed to move on from us. I said I understood his need to be away from me as dating while still talking to me would be hard for him and he said he was nowhere near ready to date, though I just know that he was seeing someone. I’m pretty sure they’re in a relationship.
I’m having a really hard time because on his last two messages he said he’d never give up on the possibility of us being together again some day (i.e. way way down the road)
I just don’t know if he meant any of it or if he was just around me for a while because he felt guilty or what..
Hi Natalia.
Don’t take what your ex said and promised so seriously. People say all kind of nice things when they’re emotional. But they don’t always have the strength or tools to keep their promises. The truth is that he’d given up and that talking to him and waiting for him would be self-degrading. He’s probably dating someone new already, so pull away completely and allow yourself to heal. This had gone on for far too long!
Best regards,
Zan
So here goes my story. I spent the last 18 years together with my ex. We had some issues, mainly intimacy because I was not feeling myself. I’m not a great communicator and never let him into my inner struggle, which pushed him away. He told me about 5 weeks ago he just wanted to be friends and jumped straight into a new relationship a week after he dumped me.
We live together and I don’t have the means to move out just yet. We also have dogs together and finding a place that allows dogs and is affordable is almost impossible where I live. We still talk and I know he is so in love with this new woman. She has a child and is in the process of getting divorced. They are talking about marriage, having children and moving in together. What hurts most about this is, that we never wanted children (he doesn’t like children) nor did we ever want to get married. Now he wants all this with her.
They already had multiple arguments about me, because he doesn’t want me to move out nor does he want to loose my friendship. I’m still going through the grieving process and can’t let go. I still love him and care dearly about him. He is someone that trusts too quickly and as much as I hurt myself right now, I don’t want him to get hurt. I also still want him back. He was and still is my world and when he dumped me, my whole world collapsed around me.
Hi B.
Don’t blame yourself for what’s happened. The guy fell out of love with you and in love with someone else. He didn’t look for a way to fix things. Now he’s focusing on the new person because things are new and exciting. He’s going through new relationship stages, s oit’s perfectly normal to be excited. He’ll start facing issues a few months into the relationship.
I suggest you move out as quickly as possible and avoid being friends.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex (fearful avoidant) broke up with me abruptly via a text message (with no explanation) and then he ghosted me. He left me puzzled but I decided to give him space and did not try to contact him again. I did not beg or plead. Four weeks after our break-up, he posted photos on social media with his new girlfriend and he took her to a wedding which I was going to attend with him. We were looking forward for this wedding.
As a way of closure I was thinking to try and contact him and tell him that he is a coward. He showed him his true colors. I am feeling confused as sometimes I feel angry with him while at other times I blame myself.
Hi Jane.
Don’t tell him anything. He doesn’t deserve your time and emotions anymore. Vent to someone who cares and listens. Your ex isn’t that person. So as difficult as it may be, heal without taking your anger out on him. You won’t get closure that way.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex of 7 years started dating a coworker immediately after braking up with me, while we were still living together as roommates. We had agreed neither of us would enter a new relationship while we lived together for the next month.
He would take my car out for hours to go meet with her. I found sexual videos of her on our shared laptop. Its really painful to deal with. I feel completely isolated and hurt by his actions and had him leave our apartment until I moved out next month. I haven’t spoken to him in days but his actions made me feel absolutely worthless because not only did I lose my partner, I lost my best friend and I lost the ability to trust him.
Hi Mara.
Your ex probably developed a crush and cheated on you with his coworker. It’s unlikely that he fell in love after breaking up. What you need to do is see him for the person he is. He’s a cheater who connected with someone else behind your back and discarded you for instant gratifications.
Always remember that he behaved this immaturely because of his own lack of morals and self-control rather than because you’re not good enough.
Hang in there, Mara!
Zan
My ex and I met on twitter, after a week of talking via facetime and on the phone every day , I went to go visit him, after that we were inseparable, he moved me in within a month of knowing me , i got a job , met people , enjoyed being in a city i wasn’t from . Our relationship was filled with nothing but love and laughs , literally. Unfortunately, due to circumstances he was facing such as his car broke down and eviction since he was staying with his roommate he became stressed and distant . I continued to love and encouraged him..he eventually got his own apartment but told me i needed to move back home because he needed space …that hurt . I told him I didn’t want to be with him once i move back home because i was gonna be unemployed all over again and i felt that the distance was going to end us since we weren’t used to not seeing each other, but he insisted we could make it work and i could just visit . Eventually he got his car back and everything seemed fine but then a week before i was suppose to visit he cancelled then started texting less . that only meant one thing to me , he was seeing someone else … i told him we should focus on ourselves and he told me this wasn’t the end of us , we ended up not talking for 2 weeks , so i texted him i missed him and he texted me we should officially move on from each other , later that same day , my friend , i met through his friend , told me he is out on a date …smh i ignored the signs of him constantly talking about his ex and their toxic relationship, he told me when we first met , he doesn’t know how to be alone , now i’m hurt and he’s enjoying the void he filled of me
This is so hard, I know! You must remember how good you felt being with him, and then take those feelings and care for them. Groom them and hug them and let them know that you appreciate them!! Then, eventually those feelings will return with someone new. Don’t let him or your grief extinguish those wonderful feelings!! Those are yours to protect!! With love, Polly
Hi Alexa.
It seems that your ex rebounded with you. He wasn’t honest about his feelings for his ex, so he failed at reciprocating romantic interests and detached altogether.
He now seems to be dating someone else which is a sign that he’s not happy internally and wishes to rely on other people for his stressors. The best thing you can do is to distance yourself from him and let him do what he wants. He’ll need to process the separation before he can be in a serious relationship.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex broke up with me last April and then a month after, we tried again to reconcile. We recreate again what we had before and I was hoping there is a chance that this will last long. But when she went back home to her country on Last December, after few weeks of stay, she already found someone and replaced me instantly. I was really hurt badly because I am expecting when she return, that everything will be okay again for us. And she told me that she was unhappy and feel out of love with me and then she met someone that she wants this new relationship. It just so happen that her new gf is so familiar meaning I already seen her before. Its such a small world. She and her new gf is on long-distance relationship now. And hearing that the new gf will come and visit her soon. And my ex as well plan late this year to visit her as well. I am confused of what happened between us. All I know that everything was okay between us, unfortunately, i didn’t know that she wasn’t okay. It’s almost 2 months after we broke, and I am still hurting, still thinking about mg ex, sometimes dreaming of her, having sleepless nights.. please help!
Hi Lyn.
When couples break up and get back together, they need to regret their bad decisions and be 100% certain they want to be together. Your ex wasn’t certain. She came back for herself rather than you, so the moment she got what she wanted, she left you for someone else. By doing so, she cut off the past and shifted her focus to the present and future.
You have to stop checking up on them, Lyn. You can’t know what they’re doing because it will hurt you badly. So will messaging your ex. So try to persevere and develop the determination to stay away from them.
Best,
Zan
Hello, here’s my story. When me and my ex-girlfriend met, she was absolutely head over heels for me, almost like how she is for her new girlfriend now. We broke up in September, 1 month before our 1-year anniversary. She refers to her new girlfriend and her “soul mate” and posts pictures of them cuddling and such. I’ve done my best to block any and all accounts of her and her girlfriend, but just knowing they’re together fills me with rage. The reason we broke up wasn’t because (according to her) she liked other people, but that I was too much for her and it wasn’t healthy. Which in some ways would be true, but it’s not like she wasn’t too much for me at times either. I guess what really hurts is that she promised me her love and that she would stay, and even if it has been 3-4 months I’m still hurt, and I can’t get over the fact she moved on so quickly. What I’ve noticed is this new girl has similarities to myself, but maybe that could just be hopeful thinking. What hurts the most is that she seems to be completely over me, and because I know her so well, she might be. She’s hard to read, and she’s very stubborn. Maybe this new girl really just is her new perfect woman, or maybe it’s just a rebound. I don’t cry anymore, if anything I’m burning with rage over the situation. She makes me so mad I just want to set our pictures and memories on fire. That’s the worst part. We had so, so many memories that she threw away just like that. I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.
Hi Eva.
Don’t let your ex’s decisions and moving on affect you too much. She moved on because she’d lost feelings and met someone else (probably not in that order). She felt smothered and wasn’t happy, so it was very easy for her to focus on someone else. What you must do is remember that they’re infatuated at the moment and that reality will hit them soon. In other words, things are going to get serious real soon.
Hang in there,
Zan
My gf left me for someone she was at least having an emotional affair with when we were together. When I started pointing out selfish behavior and speaking up she cooled off and strung me along until she had a foot planted firmly in the other boat and dropped me like a steaming turd. I did everything I could to make her happy for so long and she was able to forget I existed in a few weeks when someone else started doting on her and showing her a good time.
When i was in the dumps for months she was enjoying the honeymoon period with the new person, who is disrespecting me and desperately trying to convince her he’s a solid choice. He’s a guy who can’t get a date and he’ll do anything to keep her without questioning anything. So she can treat the sad bastard any way she wants. Now I’m realizing what a one-sided relationship we had and what a poor partner choice she is for anyone.
I’ve bumped into a couple of her girlfriends who tell me how that I was a much better option and she actually knows it. They told me a night out with him is like watching paint dry and they’re embarrassed for her. We had a lot in common and could spend hours talking and laughing and learning together and he is going to bore the crap out of her when he’s done boosting her ego. Price you pay. Wish I could be there to see her stuck with him over the holidays pretending to look happy. Lol. To anyone out there going through it, know it gets better and you’ll get around to seeing that the other person did you a favor. She’s their problem now and you’re free to meet someone amazing.
Hi Anton.
Thanks for the comment. Your ex could regret her decision later when she gets through the honeymoon phase with him. I hope you won’t be around anymore when/if she sees he’s not her ideal partner and wants you back.
Stay in no contact and keep healing.
Zan
Good day i know i must do the NC but when we were together and she lived by me every morning while i was at work she use to video call me while she was getting ready. After she left me it continued every day. She told me we can still be friends but she isnt happy anymore well the she isn’t happy anymore came a while now we lived in the backyard flat at my parent’s place and with them and other family members interference she became distant. When we first started dating i lied about what she has in life to my parents and then she left me because she could not face them with all the lies. So i made it right she gave me another chance then we became very happy and started talking about our future it was awesome with my birthday party she told people that next year we plan on getting married. The next day my brother high and mighty attitude diised on her and took her on ja she wants to get married but dont have anything in life and this and that and i just kept quiet because it does not help arguing with a wall i know it was wrong and wish i would have stud up for her. Since then that day she stopped talking about marriage and all that only ones in a blue moon then she wanted to make our flat a bit more homey so she packed up some of my moms stuff to put in storage and she went off at us. So my girlfriend decided she does not have time for this she wants to move out. So i told her im coming with so we went to look for places and so on and ja i told her just to wait one month so i could work overtime to get us a decent place and a deposit so it doesn’t hurt us financially in that month so she thought i wasn’t really into moving with her and the one place she looked at was nice but in a very dangerous area so i told her i like the place but no i don’t want us living there so she got mad i got mad and told her oh so its only your decision where we live and like? I didn’t mean it when i said it but with that she decided to move on her own because in her ex relationship her ex use to say to her it must always just be her way. She then told me alot of relationships work even when they don’t live together and nothing has to change. We moved her stuff and it was very emotional for us both and again i mentioned i don’t want to loose her we can fix it so she said how its been 3 weeks that we have been distanced with each other and she isn’t happy anymore. She needs to find herself and her happiness again.
The Monday was her birthday i took her out slept over there and 1 in the morning she got up to go to bathroom and saw a message from my ex i know the message did not loook good at all with how it was send and because i ended the chat earlier that day. The next morning got up for work and on my way to work she sends me a text please make sure to get the rest of my stuff at your house so i went on FB and saw the relationship status to be on single so i phoned her and said uhmm are we broken up now she said yes so i asked her why she sended me a picture of the message she saw and i tried to explain to her what happend but ja she couldn’t trust me. That was on the 4th of October and i tried everything Sunday that passed the 16 of Oct she video called me the morning and asking what i was up to if i want i can come make a turn by her so i told her i need to drive somewhere so she said she can keep me company if i wanted so i said sure picked her up and we went after that we came back went to take my car for a wash had a meal and a few drinks and there was a guy singing at this place we were at. So after he finished singing i bought him a drink and he started chating to us and he asked if we were together so i said no we just broke up but i still love her and want her back that night he asked can we give him a lift home. So i said sure no problem we had a drink at his house and went home she siad i can sleep by her if i want because it was late. So as we layed in bed it was an amazing feeling when suddenly she held me and cuddled nothing more happened because she had drank alot so i didn’t want to take advantage because i love and respect her. The next morning my alarm went off and i snoozed it again she put her arm around me and came closer as we layed a bit longer again amazing. I went to work later she video calls me when getting ready for work and tells me her lift that takes her to work scares her and maybe i sould pack a bag and sleep over again that night 17oct so i said sure i can. Ater that day she asked me can we move the plans to the next day 18 oct tuseday so i said ok we can. Next day went to her took her for lunch and after that she said do i want to go and make a turn at that singer of sunday …. i said okay we can so we did..left there she was irritated and said she wanted her space i said okay no problem so i dropped her at her house and left so i found out she had been to this singers house Monday that why she cancelled and then the Tuesday we went there after i dropped her she took clothes and ubered back to him same with yesterday she phoned him and said good news she has the day off today so he told her to come over so she spend the night last night aswell she thinks i don’t know and that she is keeping it from me but i have my ways that i found out. I really love her and want her back
Hi Corner.
If she’s dating again, she’ll have to give the new guys a chance and fail badly with them. That’s the only way she’ll realize your worth and want to be with you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan.
He did fail after a week but the night he failed after being so rude to her she phoned me and said she only read my message now so i said okay no problem but i heard she was upset. So i asked her whats wrong so she said no nothing she will be fine so we chated a bit and ja then she came up again with i fucktup the relationship and i didn’t stand up for her like a man should and she will never give me a chance again so after it she blocked me on Facebook but still talked on whatsapp the next day but that night she went to sleep by somebody else. I saw her yesterday and we had mac d together and talked and watched tiktok together so after a while i decided to leave and later that night she video called me like always again and this morning aswell. But i know in her eyes we are just friends and i know how cold she can get to hide her feelings so i don’t know what to do
Hi Cornel.
You do what you can, which is to leave her alone. She’s dating around, so there’s no point in staying friends with her. Friendship isn’t good for you because you constantly see what she’s up to and get indirectly rejected.
She needs to treat you like a boyfriend rather than a stranger.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex girlfriend due to the fact that I missed her so much – I knew nothing would come of it but I still did it. Then, after sex when she went to the bathroom, I saw that a guy was calling her phone; I felt gutted. I went no contact the day after and 2 weeks later a mutual friend confirmed that it was true, and that she had infact told him that “she was looking forward to dating this new guy” 7 days after the relationship ended.
I feel crushed and it’s 10 weeks on now – I’m no contact once again and just want to find a way of not caring about her, because fuck her, especially after treating me that way. I know that I was responsible for chosing to allow her into my flat, but I still don’t think that it is right that she treated me that way.
Also, a huge fan of the website, I’ve been binge reading your articles; thank you!!!
Hi Callum.
You can no longer control what your ex does and feels. She’s solely responsible for her actions, so stay away from her for good. No more texting and sleeping together. Such things give you hope and delay your healing. Keep in mind that lots of dumpers start dating very soon after breaking up. Many find someone else while they’re still in a committed relationship. They develop feelings, cheat, and monkey-branch. Now I’m not saying that your ex cheated, but it does seem a bit quick to me.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
First of all, amazing article. I think it’s what I needed.
My ex and I met about a year ago on Tinder and our relationship was very intense, even though we’re somewhat long distance. Given that distance and the fact I do shift work, we decided on a secluded weekend away for our third date and even though neither one of us admitted it, I think that’s when we fell in love with one another. We would then regularly spend days at a time together, all of them amazing.
Fast forward to this summer – we went on holiday for a couple of weeks and had the best time together. We came back deeply connected and in even more deeply in love.
When we returned and were both ill but I still came in to work while she was off sick. Usually while I was working, I’d find time to phone/video call her multiple times throughout the day but this week in particular was busy so I didn’t find the time and then I’d get home and just pass out because I was tired from being ill/work. That basically meant she felt neglected and unbeknownst to me at the time – she suffers relationship anxiety and generally from anxiety too. All of this brought on from previous relationships.
After she suggested breaking up, I had an anxiety attack (not normal for me) and couldn’t bring myself to call/message so she broke up with me without telling me we were finished and then when I finally phoned her after she came back from a holiday with her kids, she offered a whole mess of reasons she didn’t think we would work. They were all nonsense and I don’t know if she was trying to convince me or herself, though I am certain they were lies being used as a ‘get out of jail free card’. The one thing she did say that tore through my heart was that she had ‘switched off’ her feelings for me.
The thing that hurts most is that she has either completely forgotten or is happy to ignore all the things I did for her such as sending grocery deliveries more than once (bunch of flowers included) when she was too ill to go out for supplies or the fact that I paid for her entire holiday. She’s definitely not a gold digger or materialistic and I didn’t do those things to throw them in her face but to forget/ignore them because of one bad week is borderline evil, no?
I didn’t know about the NC so I messaged attempting reconciliation more than once but was met with cold replies which culminated in ‘I’m seeing someone else. Do not message me again’. Like an absolute bonehead I messaged her sister a couple of weeks later asking if she would talk to me and of course she told my ex who then, I guess fairly, made a furious phone call to me.
It turns out the person she is now seeing is another woman. I can say with a fair degree of certainty that she’s not a lesbian, perhaps experimenting or bisexual and she’s posting on social media more than normal, with pictures of the two of them with one post coming not long the same day after she furiously phoned me.
I am now following the NC with 100% commitment, I go on lads holiday next week where I’ll drink too much and misbehave a lot, and have found myself fully committed to weight training and diet again and also your article and writing this have been really very cathartic so thank you kindly!
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have.
Hi G.
I’m not sure what to say except that you must stop reaching out. She’s completely detached and doesn’t want to talk to you. She’s even seeing someone else and using that person as a reason for you to stay away. And that’s what you must do. Give her the space she needs so she stops feeling smothered by you and giving you mean replies.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for your reply, Zan.
I agree with you, I have stopped reaching out as it did neither one of us any favours and I am now using that wonderful hindsight to reflect on how idiotically I behaved.
I guess the reason was that she is the only woman I have ever fallen for as I have never even slightly regretted being on either end of a break up before.
I still, perhaps foolishly, harbour hopes of reconciliation but will allow that only to come from her if ever.
Let me say that I have read so many of your articles now – they’re truly excellent and well thought out. I love that they’re no nonsense and offer real advice. Not sure how you’ve built up this knowledge but well done to you!
G
Hi G.
The breakup made you feel nostalgic, so to deal with that, try to remember the things that weren’t working for you and the relationship. If you focus on those things, you’ll soon realize that she wasn’t perfect and that you deserved to be treated better after everything you did for her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan!
This article really helped me to ease my pain and to stopped myself from overthinking!
My ex and I broke up last July 5 and we’ve been together for 3yrs and a month. We are LDR and our relationship was on and off. The last time we met was June this year and we were so happy then he became cold. I broke up with him (for him to have some space) and he agreed. After 1 week I reached out and he only seen my message. I chat him on his social media apps but he pushed me away so hard to the point that I don’t know if he’s still the man that I love. After 1month I found out that he’s seeing someone already weeks after our break up and he seems interested with her. He said her feelings with the girl was 51% and mine was 49%. (Lol! I know this sound so crazy but yeah he said that!) after I found out about it I blocked him on messenger, instagram and twitter and never talked to him again because I am angry and really hurt. Btw, the girl new the date when my ex and I broke up.
I wanna know your thoughts…
Hi Zen.
Your ex is focusing on dating this girl and starting a life with her. So forget about the % thing, that’s something he said out of guilt and/or shame. You have to stay away from this person. He’s dating again, which means that he’s interested in her, not you. It’s possible he cheated on you with this person.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex-husband and I had been married for 17 years. He had multiple personality disorder which means that parts of him were friendly fun and happy and other parts of him had explosive anger and high control issues. I tried to break up with him several times and he was not interested and made it difficult. Finally, 2 years ago he moved out and we divorced in November 2020. I was extremely happy to be divorced from him but then his mother died. I felt like I should be helping him and supporting him with his grief. So I got sucked back in. Then his dog died in April and I supported him with his grief. Fast forward summer 2022 and we had developed a friendship. We started doing things together that we used to enjoy doing and I actually started to enjoy his company again. Then two days ago he sent me a text saying he was seeing somebody and we couldn’t hang out or be in touch anymore. Basically he dumped me. I was devastated because he had lead me on for quite awhile. So now I don’t know what to do. This is incredibly difficult because I feel like I’ve been played and used. But on the other hand I feel like this is my out and he finally let go of me. I’m very hurt by his actions but can’t share my feelings with him because he won’t care. How do I process these emotions and get back to stable?
Hi Molly.
You can process the breakup by staying away from your ex. Don’t interact with him anymore. This relationship needed to end so you could finally be happy. This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. The longer you stay in no contact, the less used and rejected you’ll feel.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan, I really needed to hear that! ~ Molly
You’re welcome, Molly.
Let me know how it goes!
Zan
There are also group sessions to talk about people who have been i’m difficult situations counselling helps depending on who’s your counsellor if you have friends or family you. I’m very sorry that you’ve gone through this this is an unimaginable time of your life and you have to have dedicated so much of yourself and all of yourself to a person and then they don’t reciprocate that it’s devastating
i dated my ex for a year. we have been broken up a year. i have done two different 45 day nc. it sucks and i am still hurting. he is on the dating apps but not having much success. i hope he comes back
Hi Lila.
Stay in no contact and get off the apps. You’re not ready to see him looking for someone else. You should not know what he’s up to so that you can heal.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi there Zan,
I am grateful that I found your article. This exactly happened to me today. I was doing NC Day no. 3. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Being it my first relationship and I really loved her (we had tons in common), it was very hard to let go. I kept messaging her for 3 weeks, where I get mostly cold answers. The most we ever texted was her giving me input on my self reflection of what went wrong, and what could be done better. I didn’t know you’re supposed to do NC immediately after breakup. I decided to start NC right away, and got to Day 3. My gf previously added me to her car insurance. She texted me today asking info from me so she can remove my name from her policy. I gave her the info and asked her how her weekend was (shouldn’t have done that). She then told me she’s dating someone else right now and prefers me not to contact her unless needed. I told her “Ah, that’s why you’re so cold. I wish you guys the best :)”
She texted back saying “Thanks for understanding.”
I felt like crap and hurt cuz I still love her. She told me not to break her heart but she broke mine instead. I also realized we both have anxious preoccupied attachment style relationships. My biggest fear was rejection, and being abandoned. Hers was being clingy, seeking constant reassurance of being lover. After reading your article, I must focus on myself, do NC, and forget about her. Before that, I am gonna go cry a but to let all my emotions out. It was gyt wrenching when I saw her text of dating someone else, just after 3 weeks. She’s probably seeking someone to fill the void, and wants to be loved.
I love her so I must let her go, and try my best to forgive her. It’s very unfortunate when I’ve waited 38 yrs, just to have someone come to break my heart.
She was in 3 bad relationships before, her longest one being 9 yrs. I feel she hasn’t healed after each relationship, and still suffers pain from those ones.
As of now, I decided to focus on toning my body, do a bit more cooking, and take dance classes. Keep myself busy.
Thanks for reading. Any input to help me stay strong is much appreciated.
Hi Uy Dinh.
It’s possible she started dating this person when she was still with you. We don’t know, but it’s a possibility as it would explain her sudden detachment and reattachment to someone else. You say she’s looking for reassurance, so perhaps she never stopped feeling reassured. Just something to think about.
As you said, you need to focus on yourself from now on. Don’t ask her how she is and instead focus on things that make you happy. You need to detach from her so you can work on your fear of abandonment.
Stay strong!
Zan
I resonate with this so much. I just got out of a relationship a few weeks ago as well. Yesterday we got into a heated argument over email. I told her she’s never going to be happy and she’s going to be the same with all future partners. Then she told me she already had someone else lined up to sleep with. The hurt was unimaginable. It’s like they don’t even care. You and I both know that they are the ones that can’t deal with the pain. I know exactly how you feel. I hope you heal and become the best version on yourself.
This helped a lot, after a 4 years relationship my ex left suddenly and she started dating in less than 1 month ….
For anyone with similar situation i know it hurts a lot it took me 2 months to start feeling better, and the “no contact” thing is what helped me the most ….
But even though I am feeling better I still have very strong feelings to my ex and hoping she will contact me one day and want us to get back, I know it aint good for me to keep that hope alive but I am still not over her and not sure if I will :/
Hi Elie.
The longer you stay in no contact, the less hope you’ll feel. I suggest that you unfollow her on social media and focus on yourself. Your feelings for her will continue to subside if you do that.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hi Zan,
Your articles have really helped me!
My ex of 14 years left me at 15 weeks pregnant after cheating on me with someone he randomly met at an event I should have been at (but due to being pregnant couldn’t attend)
We had planned to start a family and were due the get married in 2 months of this all happening.
He didn’t tell me of the cheating at first but was quick to find out within 2 weeks it was a kiss at this event, but within days of telling me he thought there was something missing with us, he had already slept with her.
He has been incredibly disrespectful towards me and his unborn child- His never explained or told me why, apologised he’s just been so rude! they are now together. 4 months down the line, moved in together, been on holidays together all within weeks of knowing each other. I also don’t know what sort of person would want to be involved with him? She knew I was pregnant and how long we had been together.
I’m due very soon and he wants to be involved with his child, I have no idea how when he is so rude to me and I’m hurting so much from his behaviour. I would love to continue no contact but obviously I’m stuck with him in my life now we have a child together. How do I cope with this?
Would love to hear from you,
Thanks,
Hannah
Hi Hannah.
Your ex’s new girlfriend doesn’t know your ex, so she doesn’t know what he’s capable of yet. He may not even have told her about it. Hannah, what he did to you and your unborn child is extremely cruel and disrespectful. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but let me assure you that you’ll be much better off without him. It’s better to be a single mom than a mom who has to worry about whether a guy will cheat on you again and make you feel unwanted.
Try not to interact with him for now. You can discuss child matters after you’ve given birth and feel better about his toxic behavior.
Kind regards,
Zan
I was together with my ex for 6.5 years and he abruptly broke up with me 8 weeks ago after a week of radio silence. 4 weeks after the breakup, he sat down with me and told me he’s met someone else he met at work. I found out that they were hanging out independently before he ended things with me. He and my family told me that he was going to marry me and was going to propose literally 2 weeks before he broke up with me. He’s now dating her, he’s hooked up with her, and I feel like I’m absolutely worthless, useless, and that I meant nothing to him. Even with all of this, I still want to be with him. I doubt he’ll come back to me, right?
Hi Meredith.
It’s evident that he developed feelings for his coworker and left you for her. Maybe he didn’t physically cheat, but he did emotionally because he didn’t have his priorities straight. His relationship would have to fail badly for him to come back. While you’re working on losing hope, stay in no contact and preserve your worth.
Kind regards,
Zan