Why Getting Back With An Ex Never Works?

We need to admit that not all breakups have a happy ending. Sometimes couples don’t get back together because they can’t fix the issues that broke them up. Instead of fixing the issues, they ignore them and break up again even if they get back together.

This happens because most people tend not to change the way they are. They remain set on their ways and resist change like it’s out to get them.

Only open-minded and mature people who understand their flaws and work on themselves improve the way they see their ex and feel about their ex. Such people can make their relationships work because they see their ex’s importance and wholeheartedly invest in areas of their lives that need investing.

They become motivated to be with their ex, so they make the improvements they need to grow with their ex.

But, unfortunately, this doesn’t happen all the time. Most of the time, ex-couples can’t evolve so much and so fast that they make all the necessary changes. Not only can they not evolve but they also don’t want to evolve and improve the way they perceive their ex.

They (dumpers) like seeing their ex in a bad light because doing so empowers them with anger and control and consolidates their reasons for breaking up. Negative thoughts give them reasons to hold on to the past and push them to stay away from their ex.

Some dumpers also come back and fail because they return just to see how their relationship will work. They’re reluctant to mature and adapt, so they merely observe rather than do their best to make the relationship work. Dumpers like that soon break up again and not get back together.

They just don’t have what it takes to make the relationship work because they’re convinced they’ve done everything in their power to make it work.

It’s not that getting back with an ex never works. It’s just that many couples who give the relationship another chance often break up again. They go back to their old ways and once again split up for the same or similar reasons.

Deep inside, they don’t mature enough to handle predicaments differently, so they fail to reconnect or they reconnect only momentarily. Due to a lack of personal growth, they fail to strengthen their relationship mentality and sometimes even blame each other for their romantic failure.

I don’t want to sound too pessimistic, but so much can go wrong when couples try to get back together. Some couples face power balance issues, codependence, and fears of breaking up, whereas others lose patience again, become resentful, and fall for someone else.

Breakups often destroy the very foundation on which the relationship sits. And if couples can’t rebuild the most essential parts of the relationship such as trust, respect, loyalty, and love and make these things stronger than before, it’s highly likely that they’ll break up again when they encounter issues and old behavioral patterns.

It’s almost inevitable because the same plan of action can’t create different results.

This post will try to answer the question of why getting back with an ex never (or almost never) works. We’ll discuss why so many couples break up again after getting back together and what they need to do to make their relationship stronger and healthier and increase their chances of success.

Why getting back with an ex never works?

Probably the biggest reason why getting back with an ex never works is that people are who they are. I’d like to be optimistic and say that people evolve with time and experience (and that’s probably true), but fundamentally, they remain themselves. Personality, thinking/behavioral patterns, maturity, and perceptions just don’t change enough or fast enough for ex-couples to have a successful reconciliation.

These things change and improve at a snail’s pace, which is why ex-couples who get back together after just a few days, weeks, or months don’t function much differently. Not unless their reasons for breaking up were unrelated to who they are as people.

An example of such things would be emotional unavailability, fears, trust issues, a lack of commitment, or some kind of temporary/solvable issue that was hindering them from joining hands and being on the same page.

If the reasons behind the breakup were connected to a personality clash, however, ex-couples may fix certain problems that caused fights, disagreements, or disconnections, but they won’t necessarily fix the way they handle problems. Changing the way they act and react is something that requires months and months of conscious effort.

It’s probably one of the most difficult things to change because it demands a lot of self-control, willpower, and dedication.

But to be honest, not even personality clashes are the reason why getting back with an ex seldom works. It’s the way exes understand each other and the feelings they associate with each other. In other words, ex-couples (especially dumpers) form negative opinions of their ex.

They engrave into their brain that their ex isn’t good for them and that they deserve better. This alters their subconscious mind in a way that they feel intense distaste just by thinking about their ex. They don’t even need to wait for their ex to do something bad because they develop resentments and do nothing about them.

In all honesty, they usually aren’t even aware of them. They think their ex simply isn’t good enough, so they let their negative associations destroy their chances of getting back together.

You see, when people hold grudges, they do that for a reason. They’re tired of feeling underappreciated or disrespected, so they distance themselves from the person causing them pain and try to protect themselves from getting hurt again.

They can’t risk their ex doing what he or she did in the past, so they remain guarded and refuse to open up to a person who could hurt them. As a result, they choose not to do anything at all (choose a passive approach) and wait for things to end even if they give their ex another chance.

If getting back with an ex never works. then why do couples get back together?

First of all, not all couples who break up break up only once. Before they eventually break up for good, they go through mini breakups. I call those breakups fakeups because they aren’t real breakups. A real break is a complete romantic separation where dumpers become unwilling and incapable of letting their ex close to them.

They need time to go through the dumper stages of a breakup first so they can regain their senses.

Many people break up and reconcile a few days later. They think they’ll have a perfect relationship and be happy after getting back with their ex, but in reality, that’s not how things usually go. A reconciliation only feels good for a short moment because couples feel relieved to be back together.

They’re happy to be back to “normal” even though things are far from it.

When they get used to being around each other again, they soon face certain issues and act the way they acted the last time. And as you can probably guess, they then handle things inadequately once more and break up again. They can’t handle things differently just because they had a short conversation about being more patient, caring, and loving.

Real change takes commitment and self-awareness. And, unfortunately, many people lack one or the other.

That’s why I don’t recognize fakeups as real breakups. Real breakups are the real deal—and tend to cause extreme separation anxiety to the dumpee and a lot of relief to the dumper.

They require emotional and physical distance so that dumpees and dumpers can focus on themselves and get what they need to recover emotionally.

This isn’t to say that getting back with an ex never works. All I’m saying is that if ex-couples don’t find the motivation to self-invest, respect each other, notice each other’s worth, and commit to continuous self-growth that they often break up again.

It’s extremely easy for them to take the relationship for granted and leave again after getting back together because they’ve already left once. This is why only those who abandon their pride, learn from their mistakes, and make reconciliation their top priority grow stronger with their ex.

With that said, here are 7 reasons why getting back with an ex never works so many people.

Getting back together with an ex works only when people really, really want it to work

Don’t get me wrong. People are more than capable of changing and evolving. They can change who they are and want to be whether they’re 20 or 80 years of age. It’s true that the older people get, the harder it becomes for them to change.

But that’s mostly because they get comfortable and don’t want to change. They never learned to adjust and value others, so they lack the emotional drive, which is necessary to self-reflect and become the best version of themselves.

We could say that people who don’t change aren’t afraid of losing the person they’re with/left and that they don’t want to abandon their principles and pride and give their power away.

However, those who do get back together with their ex and make their relationship work are willing to compromise. They are ready to change and improve their behavior, beliefs, attitude, patience, communication skills, devotion, and everything that comprises a relationship.

They just aren’t afraid to let go of some of the things that have been a part of them for ages because they know that the reward of getting back with their ex, or conversely, the pain of losing their ex would be much greater than not being with their ex.

That’s why it’s not very difficult for them to admit they were wrong and that they have things to learn and improve.

But for them to actually admit this, they need to be extremely mature or undergo some enlightening experience that makes them see their ex was right for them but that they couldn’t see it at that time because they weren’t ready.

It’s unfortunate, but people are stubborn by nature and tend not to change unless something bad happens to them. Bad, unfair, painful experiences are usually the only things that open their eyes and inspire them to change.

When they finally reflect, they notice their ex’s worth, come running back to be with their ex, and use their ex for emotional support. So they either reflect or they just keep moving on and dating other people.

So if you’re wondering why getting back with an ex never works, it’s because most people aren’t ready or willing to make it work. They can’t perceive their ex in a positive light, trust their ex, develop feelings again, and find the willpower to maintain the relationship after they’ve given up on it and convinced themselves that their ex isn’t the right person for them.

Some exes, of course, get over the past and grow together. But those exes don’t lose all respect and resent each other. They instead forgive each other for making mistakes, promise not to make those same mistakes again, and set their new relationship standards extremely high.

That’s how they put their lessons into practice and start a newer, healthier, and stronger relationship

Relationships are hard and reconciliations are complicated

Relationships require two mature, strong-willed, emotionally healthy, and committed people. If someone is lagging behind, that man or woman makes the relationship unbalanced and prone to breaking up.

That’s why it’s of utmost importance that both parties frequently express their wants and needs and make sure they’re on the same page. If they can do that, they can discuss their differences before those differences grow into disagreements and resentments.

Communication is king in a romantic relationship. Those who communicate efficiently fix problems quickly and healthily and are at a significantly lower risk of breaking up than those who hold things inside them. So whether you’re in a relationship or not, learn more about communication.

Read a few good relationship books, practice self-control and self-awareness, and apply the techniques you’ve learned to your romantic relationships. Breakups can be avoided when couples have the skills and willpower to avoid them.

Did you learn why getting back with an ex never works? Why do you think couples who get back together break up again? Have you gotten back with an ex before? Post your breakup experiences below.

However, if you’re interested in breakup coaching and want to talk to us, click here to read more about our services.

See you next time!

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.