If you’re trying to figure out if your ex is over you, there’s actually a pretty easy way to find out.
It only requires you to think with your brain, not your heart.
Most dumpees just don’t want to dig deeper and see whether their ex loves them because they’re afraid of finding the truth.
Instead of looking for signs that their ex is over them, they tend to look for hope and signs that their ex will eventually come back.
Since dumpees are in a lot of pain and anxiety, they hold onto their ex for dear life and refuse to let go even their case is hopeless.
I honestly don’t blame them as the separation anxiety after the breakup can feel like a real nightmare—and can take weeks to overcome.
From my observations, the dumpee’s biggest fear isn’t that he or she will be unsuccessful as a result of their dumper’s departure.
What the dumpee fears the most is that his or her ex is over him or her and that the dumper will soon start dating someone else.
So if you’re one of the dumpees who’s looking for hope instead of detachment, you won’t find this article very hope-inducing.
You will instead learn the truth about dumpers and find out how to know if your ex is over you.
How to know if your ex is over you?
The best and easiest way to know if your ex is over you is to look at your ex’s words, actions, and, of course—inactions.
What your ex says, how he or she acts, and what your ex doesn’t do are the things that determine whether your ex still loves you.
Moreover, the way your ex communicates or doesn’t communicate with you also shows whether he or she hates you or feels nothing toward you.
For example, if your ex is talking badly about you to your friends and family, this isn’t a sign your ex is pretending to be over you. It’s a sign that your ex associates negative traits and qualities with your persona.
Another great example is when your ex starts dating right away but still talks to you from time to time. In this case, you can be certain your ex is over you as he or she wouldn’t be seeing someone else but still want to build a future with you.
It would be preposterous to expect your ex to still have feelings for you when he or she is falling asleep next to someone else.
Perhaps your ex wouldn’t be in love with the new guy or girl yet, but he or she also wouldn’t love you anymore.
So by looking at your ex’s actions, you’d know your ex is over you for sure.
As a matter of fact, your ex would most likely be over you before he or she even monkey-branched onto the next person.
And this is precisely the reason why you must always judge people by what they do and don’t do. It’s the only surefire way to know what they feel about you.
Here’s how to know if your ex is over you.
So is my ex over me? What are the odds?
The likelihood of your ex being over you is at least 95-5. Probably even more.
People just don’t leave their partners when they are still in love with them and want to continue spending time together.
It wouldn’t make any sense.
That’s why it’s ridiculous when exes say, “I just need to find myself, it’s just a break, I know I’ll regret this later, let’s see how we feel about each other after a few months.“
These are just breakup excuses dumpers say when they want to soften the blow and take responsibility for hurting the dumpee.
These dumpers aren’t attached enough to miss their dumpee. They can’t when all they want is to be left alone.
Sure, it may sometimes not be easy for them because they hate hurting their partner or because they may feel as if they are back to square one relationship-wise.
But nonetheless, dumpers don’t necessarily regret their premeditated decision. At least not initially when they have spent weeks or months feeding their minds with the necessity for separation.
In some cases, dumpers are not over their ex when they break up because of parents and the breakup is out of their control.
But even in those cases, dumpers often end up resenting their dumpee because a third party forces them to.
Dumper’s syndrome
Dumpers usually detach from their dumpee before the breakup during their “detachment phase.”
During this phase that I call the “dumper’s syndrome,” the dumper comes up with hundreds of reasons why the dumpee doesn’t have much long-term potential.
Dumpers do this even if their dumpee had been doing his or her best for years up until the last few weeks before the breakup.
That’s why we can say that dumpers tend to lean mainly toward the negative, pessimistic side because they refuse to acknowledge their dumpee’s good points.
How could they not when they are stuck in a negative spiral?
The dumpers’ negative thinking patterns completely plague their minds—causing their brains to clog up with toxic thoughts.
And because their thoughts contain so much negative energy, they eventually affect the region of the brain responsible for feelings and emotions.
This consequently makes the dumper feel repulsed, angered, annoyed, and emotionally exhausted to the point where he or she can’t reciprocate your feelings.
As for you, your ex’s detachment doesn’t feel right. Because you sense a loss of investment from your ex, your instinct immediately tells you to give more—so that you can get more.
But this just doesn’t work because your doesn’t want more. He or she wants way, way less.
So when demand attention from your ex, you unknowingly put more pressure on the dumper’s already pressured mind and end up pushing him or her over the tipping point.
If exes are over us, then why do they come back?
Sometimes dumpers need to learn to appreciate the dumpee the hard way. And the fastest way for them to come to a realization is to start dating someone else or by dealing with life issues on their own.
But no matter what kind of learning experience dumpers are required to go through, they all come back for the same reasons.
They don’t come back because they miss the dumpee or because the dumpee was rich, successful or famous.
Perhaps this could be the motive for a small fragment of this population, but for the majority, dumpers come back for comfort, familiarity, emotional security, stability, self-esteem and ego purposes, positive relationship benefits, and to redeem themselves.
This means that the real reason why dumpers come back is of internal nature. It’s not because dumpers are not over their ex or because they realize that they are still in love.
They could be, but it’s very unlikely.
Sure, your absence can make your ex miss you But more often than not, this happens to couples in relationships—not breakups.
It’s incredibly difficult to miss and love someone you’d spent weeks prior to the breakup despising and downgrading.
So if you want to understand how to know if your ex is over you, the breakup itself should give you all the answers you’re looking for.
How to know if your ex is over when he or she comes back?
It’s no mystery that exes who come back often leave again. The reason for their second treachery is quite straightforward.
They just don’t love their partners enough to want to stay with them. As crazy as that sounds, dumpers frequently come back for their own selfishness and not necessarily for their dumpee.
They return to extort what nobody but their dumpee can give them. Things such as validation, intimacy, internal happiness and ego boost are just a few to name.
Since they don’t come back for their dumpee, they essentially end up using him or her and leave the moment they feel stronger.
It’s cruel to hear that someone would break the same person’s heart twice or thrice, but it’s not uncommon.
It’s especially common with dumpers who suffer from depression and other illnesses of the mind.
What do I do now that I know my ex is over me?
There’s no end to all the things you can do with your life post-breakup. But, unfortunately, none of them revolve around your ex as they would keep you hopeful and starve you for love and validation.
The moment you realize your ex is over you (when your ex breaks up with you), the only thing you can do is to pack your things and leave.
You must immediately start following the notorious indefinite no contact rule and show your ex that you can stand on your own two feet.
Nothing attracts an ex-partner—or anyone for that matter, more than personal strength.
That’s why possessing the ability to fend for yourself after such a difficult trial is an extremely desirable trait that every person respects.
Confidence, high self-esteem, self-love, and self-respect is what you need to go after. So forget the 30-day no contact rule and other devious tactics that hurt your self-esteem.
Forget contacting your ex and begging him or her to come back as well.
The only way you should get your ex back is to make your ex want to come back.
By “making” your ex come back, we’re not referring to force and manipulation tactics. We’re simply talking about retaining your value on the level that it was on the day of the breakup.
And if this value by some chance happens to increase during no contact whilst you’re practicing self-love, then you’ve hit the Jackpot.
If your ex is over you, get over your ex
Since you know that your ex is over you, you only have two options.
- Keep looking for signs that your ex is over you and reopen your wound on a regular basis.
- Learn how long it takes to get over the breakup and find out how to get over your ex quickly and efficiently.
Your ex, unfortunately, didn’t have to suffer and research “how to know if your ex is over you.” He or she didn’t face rejection and undergo one of the worst (if not the worst) experiences a person can possibly go through.
Your ex was the dumper who detached from you over a period of time. This state of detachment most likely occurred due to various relationship killers or something completely out of your control.
Whatever the case, now that you’re heartbroken, you are likely seeking control in the form of hope and self-empowerment.
If that’s what you’re doing, know that it’s perfectly normal to look for help as breakups can feel so gut-wrenching they completely ruin our self-esteem.
Did this article provide some valuable information? Do you feel like your ex still loves you? Leave a comment below.
I agree, the opposite of love is not anger, it is indifference. Anger comes from a place of pain, they’ve been hurt too, maybe more by their own behaviour then something you did. I broke up with a girl years ago, she was by all accounts a very good woman, to this day I still blame myself for treating her badly and that I couldn’t find it in myself to stay in the relationship. Though its been many years I still feel love and I have the deepest respect for her.
I actually disagree with this article on some ways. Just because your ex is trash talking you doesn’t mean they are over you. They actually aren’t think about it if they didn’t really care they wouldn’t bother with the energy and time to do that which means they still care. Someone who is happy with there laugh and moving on won’t do something like that and waste there time. They are still in there mind and they have had a big impact on them so they are not over them. Also the opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference. There still love there and attachment. Also I had an ex that broke up with me and didn’t reach out to me for months and ignored me and when she reached out she told me she still had feelings for me that whole time we didn’t talk she just wasn’t ready to speak to me until she regretted the breakup later on. So just because your ex is ignoring you and not reaching out for a while doesn’t always mean they are over you all the time.
Hi Zan,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. Yes, we weren’t together that long. But I guess I invested too much emotions. He said I was his first official girlfriend because he used to always have the no-labels, nothing serious. I was the only woman he introduced to his family, especially to his mother.
That 7 months was a rocky road. I kept breaking up with him, because I felt unloved and unwanted. It felt like a struggle for me. I literally asked him to at least make an effort. When the lockdown happened, he never made calls. Although he sent me messages on social media, but they were mundane stuff as if we were just regular friends. It didn’t feel like I was a girlfriend. He was passive.
Every time I broke up with him, he would come chasing and ask that we’ll work it out…that he wanted me back. Just about two weeks ago, I broke up with him because of another misunderstanding. I tried not contacting him for a week even if he kept sending me msgs. Until I gave in and responded to him. We had a couple of days exchanging msgs as “friends”. He even asked me if I’m free at this certain time because he’d call. I was too happy to hear he’d call so we both agreed to talk over the phone at the time of his preference. I waited for his call when it’s finally time, but I didn’t get any. I kept waiting, until he sent me a message that he’d be out with a friend, drinking. I was totally pissed! I sent him a response nagging about his promise to call. How could he forget about something we both agreed to do? I really couldn’t understand him. The next day he apologized because he got drank. I blurted out my frustrations and anger towards him. As a response, he told me that he’d stop chasing me because he doesn’t know how to take care of his girl. He said it was an honest mistake and had completely forgotten about it.
What’s really bugging me is I want him back. I want him back, but he said he’d no longer chase me. Please tell me your thoughts about this. Do you think it’s a good idea to check on him if he still want me back too?
Hi Ella.
You tried to manipulate your ex every time you broke up with him. This caused him to detach himself from you and made him use the opportunity to stay broken up. My advice to you is to let him go for now. You told him what you what, so start working on your behavior and continue to move on.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and I were in a toxic relationship. The last 2 years of the 4 were cycles of “breaks” on her part. For the last 2 years she said I was manipulative, narcissistic, needy, clingy, jealous, and controlling. I was told I manipulated her into being w me for 2 years longer than we should’ve been. I went to therapy for years trying to figure out my patterns and where I was wrong. I asked her so many times to come but she kept saying relationships take work but not this much work. In my opinion it was all communication but was told it was 70/30, 60/40, and sometimes 80/20% my fault. This beak or breakup has been the longest of not speaking. It’s been about 7 months. Prior breaks I was told I was needy. I’d be blocked from calling, emailing and on social media. I was dumb enough to go to her home bc she lives the next development over. One day I called and was unblocked. I got yelled at bc “you haven’t changed, I wanted my space and you didn’t give it to me. I unblocked you as a test to see if you’d call”. During these breaks I was good enough to have sex with. Call w a family emergency and ok to go out with when kids are involved. When a friends party would come up I’d get yelled at asking to go bc she said we were broken up at the time and I’m only asking bc I’m worried she may meet someone. The more I look back and read it seems as if I was gaslighted. I showed her and she said I was the one who had all the signs of a gaslighter.
What I don’t get is why now different for her to stay away? Do they come back eventually? I was told I had more failed relationships. I’m 15 years older. Of course I would. But I was also told by her I was the only 1 she’s say “I love you” to and meant it. I see her on the road and it’s as if I never existed for the 4-5 years we were together.
I’m w someone and happy but also worried at some point she’ll come back bc shell know what she lost. Her mom when we first met said she didn’t see the match. I’m her eyes her daughter “leveled up”. My house is clean and I have rules w my kid’s. We patented much different. If her mom can see flaws in her why does she feel she’s perfect?
I just love reading these articles.
My ex left me a year ago. We would still chat on occasion. After six months he asked me to not contact him anymore. He said it was painful. So I stopped for five months. During that first six months I asked him to block me on FB. I tried to block him but then I would go back to unblock.
I asked him respectfully to block me. He wouldn’t do it. Why? Why wouldn’t he do something that would benefit both of us.
So about 2 weeks ago I saw a picture of him and his new girlfriend on FB. It tore me up. Plus I’m embarrassed that I was with this guy for 11 years and now his new girlfriend is 22 years his junior. When I saw that photo I went a bit crazy. I sent him text after text about being so disrespectful to me. I finally got him to block me after I said something about doing it out of respect for his new girlfriend. Now we have no contact other than I have furniture at his house that I would like back but he wont respond to my asking to come get it.
I was going good until I saw the photo now it set me right back to the day he left. I’m so lost again. What to do?
Sharon
Hi Sharon.
Your ex didn’t want to block you because blocking you seems like a very mean thing to do. You do, however, need to develop the strength not to stalk him online so that you can properly get over him.
After you unleashed your wrath on him, he blocked you only because you left him with no choice.
I suggest that you create such a life for yourself that his actions won’t hurt you anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m glad he blocked me. I asked him for almost a year to do so. I’m no longer stalking him as he is no longer stalking me. He didn’t want to talk with me for 6 months. We had no communication at all. I did ask him if I could get my furniture from his house with no response. I will chalk that up to being lost for good unless I sue him.
Sharon
Hi Zan, my husband of 11 years and left me for another woman (a childhood friend from his country) last year and soon after I found out I was pregnant and went to his country with our son and stayed with him at his parents house. He was still seeing this woman and distant on and off towards me we also argued while I was there. After I left I contacted the other woman with threats and also bad mouthing him. Meanwhile whenever me and husband talked he always denied he was in a relationship and never had sex. Few months later he came back to help me prepare my new house and move. He was very loving towards me and started doing things together as a family but still in contact with the woman. I told the woman that we are back together and sleep together sending her messages he sent me. She blocked him for a few weeks and was angry with him. She still contacted me and then eventually told me they had sex multiple times. He denied it at first but then later told me he loves her etc and then some days said he was confused. I would get angry with him tell him to leave book his ticket, he would then get to the airport and with some excuse came back, this happened multiple times. At one point he cried with me and said he needed time to think. Eventually I told him he had to go and I never let him come back from the airport. He went back to his country and professed his love to that woman and she sent me all the screenshots of his messages he was saying some things that he only said to me a few days before he left. She was very cold to him. We were in contact and he found out that me and the other woman were in contact and talking of him he was angry about it and when I asked him if he was still with her he said they had broken up but later found out they had sex for ‘one last time’. One night we talked for hours and felt like we were on the same page he wanted to come back for sons birthday and work from there. But I kept changing my mind, he then gave up and said he is not coming and he is with a new woman. A month later he came back for the birth of our daughter it felt like before but he was still talking to this new woman, and it was like we were both making each other jealous. I contacted her again to tell her to leave my husband alone and he got angry saying that it is his girlfriend. We got in an argument I told him to leave then I begged and pleaded after he left and he said he wanted to divorce but never followed through. Fast forward 7 months they are still together as he says but it is not official. He stays in contact with me giving me mixed signals and memories. every time i have tried no contact he keeps contacting me. otherwise he sends our son messages for information. He is quick to read my messages and reply and other times he deliberately ignores me. this relationship of his seems to be 90% online so not sure of it is a rebound or not. Recently he keeps talking about the breakup and has regrets saying ‘we had it all and we let it die’ and how he should have been dedicated and committed.I spoke with him last night told him to get serious about the kids and that he cant come back to stay with me when visiting. Also he started saying about the future when I meet someone and I said ‘I already have’ and he fell quiet. I told him that we need to sort things out properly and he needs to take his stuff he left at my house. I am a little scared that I have pushed him away further. I don’t know if he is over me or wants me back and he would never admit it for losing his power I guess. He said he is thinking of coming to visit soon but who knows when. I don’t know what I should do moving forward because I would love to have our family back together and I miss his company and our connection. Please advise.
Sam
Hi Sam.
Your dysfunctional relationship is never going to work if both of you don’t straighten up.
Your relationship lacks the basis to function. Without it, rebuilding it will be difficult.
He kept coming and going due to his indecisiveness which prohibited him from having a healthy relationship with you.
That’s why his relationship mentality about you has to change first. And before that, the other woman must be gone and he needs to get therapy.
You, on the other hand, mustn’t blame him and figure out why he left so many times. Did you somehow contribute to him leaving? If you did, fix the things on your end and wait for him to come back.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your advice and sorry for my late reply. I got to a low point unfortunately where I was sending him a message nearly every day to check in on him. Eventually I asked if he wanted to get back together to which he replied ‘no and that he thinks that ship has sailed’ and he thought I had someone else and that he also has moved on for 8 months with the new woman. I said no problem and wished him the best. I also clarified I had no one but that might change in the future. Since then I have initiated no contact which is coming to two weeks shortly. I have not heard anything from him although I put on a suggestive pic on my whatsapp of a date. He also put on a pic of himself a day later which he had never done before. I don’t know if I should still wait for him or let it be as he is in a relationship. I know that I can’t contact him for anything other than important things about the kids, as I almost humiliated myself by asking him to get back together. Do you have any further suggestions?
Kind regards,
Sam
Sorry I forgot to add that he did mention that the reason for our break up was that I was very controlling and that things had to be done my way which I agreed I was. And said as a result of it he started to rebel and that was the beginning of our end. But that there are two people to blame. He has also said previously that he blamed me for the way it went and how we ended up this way. He has not changed himself or settled himself in any way in his country, which does make me think he is still confused. On top of this his parents did push him to leave me, and are encouraging of him pursuing other women. I think besides having his kids, still having his belongings around doesn’t help me to move on. I do feel like contacting him though for fear of him moving on with this woman completely.
Sam
Hi Sam.
There’s nothing you can do to change his mind.
If his parents forced him to break up with you, you should really think twice whether you really want to get in a relationship with him and consequently get closer to his family.
In the meantime, start working on your shortcomings. You can start with the ones that he mentioned.
Best,
Zan
Thanks Zan for your reply. I have been working on myself a lot and continue to do so for myself. I will consider what you said however we did get married initially against both our parents wishes. However I let my family’s negative view of him influence me during our marriage, consequently I think he began to do the same. Perhaps there is no hope for us anymore, but I will move on for myself and the kids.
Regards,
Sam
So you seem to indicate that even if a dumper returns they won’t love you. I’m sensing that you lean toward never taking a dumper back. You have lots of articles showing how to get an ex back. So if you do take them back then be kind of aloof and keep them chasing and keep their anxiety high including letting them know you’ll dump them the second they screw up? Doesn’t seem like an ex’s return would be a relationship on a solid foundation
So far there’s been zero contact for two months and she seemed pretty happy with her decision. She’s an unhappy person so it’s only a matter of time before she crashes and burns. She has a long history of medium length relationships. Three and a half years with me. And once told me it’s no big deal starting a new relationship and falling in love with someone new. Big red flag I ignored. Oh well.
Hi Trevor.
Dumpers often return for themselves and fall back in love with the dumpee again. They sort of become dependent on the dumpee again—which coincidentally makes them respect and even love the dumpee.
Dumpers need to know that they can’t mess up again or they would end up losing you. They need a bit of anxiety to reconnect with you. I know it may seem devious to expect unease from your ex, but try not to feel guilty. You’ve probably suffered a lot too, so a few weeks of mild fear for your ex isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Dumpers that don’t reattach themselves to the dumpee end up leaving again because there’s just nothing there for them anymore. They feel nothing once they use the dumpee for their own needs.
So to avoid this, you need to let your ex know that you won’t tolerate disrespect again and rebuild the foundation from the ground up.
You missed a big red flag with your ex. A person who says something like that has probably been with enough partners to know that she can be with anyone she wants to. And that’s the kind of mentality that led to the breakup.
Kind regards,
Zan
Alright, thanks.
Yes, she’s a model and very beautiful, so I guess she has an abundance mentality.
At this point I’m losing hope, which I know you say is good anyway. I don’t expect to ever hear from her again. If I do, I guess I’ll have to decide if its worth the risk which at this point I don’t think it would be. Seems like because she knows she’s beautiful she won’t try that hard to work things out with a partner, but rather just start over again with someone else.
She’s almost 33 so obviously looks only last so long, but in my experience a woman will burn all her bridges when they are in their prime and then end up bitter later in life when the looks have faded. There’s not much you can do to reason or talk sense into them. They kind of have to destroy their lives to figure it out. It happened with my ex wife.
Also, over the course of the relationship she went from a Catholic worldview to nihilism and atheism. She’s pretty much miserable all the time and says she’s dead inside. I think it’s a lost cause trying to keep someone like that happy. One of her reasons for leaving was she said she didn’t believe I could make her happy anymore. I don’t think anyone can make her happy if that’s how she feels about life. Once she got drunk and said she had this harrowing darkness (so mellodramatic eyeroll) and that no man would ever want her long term. I know, why did I invest in someone like that. Well she wasn’t like that at first and I fell for her and obviously my emotions clouded my judgement later. And it was the best sex I’ve ever had. She was an animal and very giving and affectionate for the first two and a half years. She had me hooked.
I started NC to get her back, but at this point it’s for me and my own healing and sanity. I’m not even looking at her instagram anymore as that’s just emotional torment.
Thanks for your blog. It’s one of the more brutally honest discussions about breakups, but it’s tough love and necessary to come to the realization that when they left, they were done and so we dumpees have to get to that place as quickly as possible and move on. At least then if they do try to come crawling back, we’ll be in a more rational state of mind to decide if that’s what we want.
Hi Trevor.
It looks to me like you’ve figured things out.
I absolutely agree with everything you wrote. It’s spot on.
You now know that you can’t make someone else happy. Only she can do that if she has the kind of attitude that brings happiness and joy into her life. But because she didn’t and instead relied on her negative patterns to get the things she wants, her personality likely won’t change. She’s at that age already when she needs some serious pondering to want to change.
I’m glad you’re doing NC for yourself from now on. It will help you grow immensely and see your ex for the person she is.
Thank you for your comment!
Zan