My heart goes out to anyone who’s in love with their ex when their ex is dating someone else already. I know how much it hurts to see the person you love with someone else. Before you even get the chance to accept the breakup and move on, your ex is already sleeping with someone new and planning a future with him or her.
It’s like your commitment didn’t matter.
But even if it didn’t matter, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s actions. It’s not your fault your ex is dating someone else already and acting like you don’t exist.
It’s your ex’s fault because your ex doesn’t care about anyone other than himself or herself.
Dumpers often start dating again after the breakup because doing so makes it possible for them to ignore relationship issues and distracts them from reality. It gives them an opportunity to sweep problems under the rug and focus on making themselves feel good.
You need to know that anyone who does that doesn’t deserve your love, attention, and commitment. The person you were with deserves to be cut out of your life so that you can forget about your ex and be happy again.
From now on, you need to work on taking your rose-tinted glasses off and seeing your ex for the person he or she is. That’s how you’ll be able to let go of reconciliation hope and enjoy your life without your ex in it.
This post is for you if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts.
Why is my ex dating someone else already?
If you’re in a lot of pain because your ex is dating someone else already, you’re probably wondering why on Earth your ex started dating so quickly. Why didn’t your ex take the time to reflect, learn from the breakup, and improve in ways he or she needs to improve?
You must be so flabbergasted by your ex’s actions that you wonder if you ever even knew your ex.
Thoughts like these are completely normal as people aren’t always who they present themselves to be. In relationships, they may appear nice, friendly, and loyal, but when they leave their partners, they show their exes who they really are. They show them how they treat people they fell out of love with and how selfish they can be when they feel tempted to get involved with other people.
I’d like you to know that the reason your ex is dating someone else already has nothing to do with what you were like in a relationship with your ex. People who monkey-branch into a new relationship shortly after the breakup usually do so to get the most out of their life.
They want to love and be loved by someone else and forget about the life they had with their ex-partner. I don’t know about you, but to me, anyone who moves on so quickly has very little if any care any sympathy for the ex. All he or she is thinking about is “me, me, me.”
Sometimes the reason for a “me mentality” is temptations and the inability to control those temptations—and other times, monkey-branchers think of themselves as victims and blame their exes for the way they feel. They don’t want to take responsibility, so they make their ex responsible for their actions, anger, and their lack of romantic feelings.
It’s unfortunate, but many dumpers are in a hurry to date someone else. They’re tired of their previous relationship and think they deserve love. That’s why they usually get together with the first person who shows interest in them. The new person makes them limerent and forces them to go through the stages of a new relationship.
To dumpers who just broke up with an ex, the only thing that matters is how exciting their new relationship feels. Everything else doesn’t matter as they can figure it out later when or if their relationship gets serious.
You mustn’t keep an eye on your ex while your ex is in the love phase because it will destroy you emotionally, make you obsessed with your ex, and waste your precious post-breakup time. You should instead invest in yourself and try to stay as busy as you can.
With that said, here’s why your ex is dating someone else already.
These are the main reasons why your ex is dating already. Since it’s so easy to find a new person to date these days, people get involved with someone new rather quickly.
Instead of reflecting on their mistakes and improving themselves, they get together with someone they barely know and see if it’s possible to make the relationship work.
Your ex isn’t rushing just because he or she is afraid of being alone. Your ex is probably used to being in a relationship because relationships provide your ex with relationship benefits and make him or her feel validated, respected, loved, and emotionally/sexually fulfilled.
But unfortunately, most relationships make couples feel good and special until couples get out of the infatuation phase and start encountering disagreements and problems. That’s when they learn to work together or break up.
Initially, people enter into relationships to feel accepted, validated, and fulfilled.
But when they get comfortable around each other, they stop putting such an importance on those particular emotions and want:
- security
- longevity
- understanding
- support
- comfort
- peace
My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts
If your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts badly, I suggest that you protect yourself by distancing yourself from your ex. The easiest way you can do that is by following the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will prevent you from finding out unnecessary information about your ex and his or her new partner and slowly return your sense of self-worth.
It won’t happen overnight, but the longer you stay in no contact the more and quicker you’ll recover. You won’t have to overload your brain with questions such as whether your ex is happy in his or her new relationship and if your ex will ever come back.
What your ex does when you go no contact doesn’t concern you anymore.
All that matters in no contact is your well-being. Your ex doesn’t care much about you, so you need to fall in love with yourself. When you do, your pain will decrease and your ex’s value in your eyes will soon follow suit. That’s when you’ll take your ex off the pedestal and understand that thinking about your ex is a big waste of time.
Not only is it unnecessary, but it’s also making it harder for you to detach and find your happiness. And “hard” is not something you need. The breakup is already plenty difficult. You now need to become emotionally independent so you can once again worry about things that actually matter.
Here are 8 tips you can follow today that will guarantee the smoothest recovery when you’re hurting because your ex is dating someone else already.
Keeping tabs on your ex serves no purpose. It only depresses you, makes you blame yourself, keeps your hope alive, and prevents you from moving on. And so does keeping your ex’s gifts.
So if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts like hell, take my words of advice seriously. Start no contact with your ex right now. You have nothing to lose by cutting your ex out of your life. Only things to gain.
The sooner you decide to stand up for yourself and prioritize healing, the more your ex will respect you and the more you’ll respect yourself.
Your self-esteem has probably dived, so this is a good time to rebuild it.
What can you do when your ex is dating someone else?
If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend started seeing someone else right away or soon after the breakup, the best thing you can do is to do nothing.
Doing nothing cultivates the best possible results because it gives your ex a chance to be free. Freedom will make your ex see your strength and allow your ex to respect you for your ability to handle breakups maturely.
So do your best not to:
- get revenge on your ex
- seek closure
- talk to your ex or about your ex
- show you’re hurt and in denial
- message your ex’s new partner
Trying to win your ex over with words and insecure actions is only going to push your ex toward his or her new partner and hurt you more.
That’s because neediness and insecurities could make your ex:
- laugh at you
- get a huge ego boost
- lose respect for you
- block you
- show your texts to his or her friends
It’s much better for your ex and safer for you to follow the rules of no contact and wait for your ex to make the first move. Your ex dumped you, so no matter what the circumstances are, your ex must be the one to come to you.
Your ex must find reasons to communicate with you and decide to take things further with you.
Competing with your ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend
First of all, your ex doesn’t want you to fight for him or her. Your ex wants space because space will let your ex give his or her new relationship a chance to blossom.
You probably don’t want that to happen, but right now, you don’t have a choice. Interfering with your ex’s relationship is going to make you look really bad. It’s going to make your ex perceive you even worse than he or she already does and complicate things for both of you.
So if you want the best for yourself as well as your ex, let your ex date his or her new partner. Let your ex be free while you work on improving yourself and rebuilding your happiness and self-esteem.
The new person could be of more use to you than you think. The new man or woman could make your ex realize that you were a better romantic partner and cause your ex to rebound badly. That could force your ex to come running back and apologize for leaving.
Until that happens, though, you need to keep your composure and focus on loving yourself.
Here are some tips to remember when your ex starts dating someone else.
In the relationship with your ex, you showed who you were and what you were capable of. Now it’s the new person’s turn to impress your ex and try to have a relationship with your ex.
You’re probably thinking, “But I wasn’t my best self when I was with my ex. I neglected my ex and took my ex for granted.“
Dear reader, nobody’s perfect. Not you, your ex, or your ex’s new partner. Everybody makes mistakes—and so will your ex’s new partner. It’s just a matter of time because people are flawed by nature.
When relationships are new, we give it our best and appear to be perfect. But when things get old and emotions of excitement subside, we take each other for granted at times and sometimes even get the grass is greener syndrome.
That’s when we show how willing we are to maintain our romantic relationship.
I’m telling you this so you don’t put yourself down for the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship. Now that you’re no longer with the person you love, you must give your ex space and work on things that need work. You may not be able to fix the past and the way your ex felt about your words and actions, but you can make sure that you do things differently in the future.
Your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend will have to go through all the relationship stages. And when he or she does, the grass is greener syndrome could kick in, causing them to experience issues.
Here are 3 simple things GIGS needs to develop.
So when your ex detaches from you and starts dating someone else, keep in mind that your ex will expect this new person to be better than you. Your ex will want to have what you had, just without the disagreements or certain problems.
And your ex might get that. The real problem is that your ex will have to face different issues and find ways to resolve those issues. If he or she can’t, your ex will fail badly and see that the problem was with him/her and not you.
That’s something that could take a lot of time, so don’t wait for your ex to have an epiphany. If your ex’s new relationship is a rebound, it could take months for him or her to get through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.
Here are those stages.
- Infatuation
- Honeymoon
- Reality and conflicts
- Nostalgia and comparisons
- Regret and disappointment
- Reconnection or abandonment
So if your ex is dating someone else already and it hurts, keep in mind that this new person could be the road back to your heart—even if you messed up badly.
But for that to happen, your ex must fail, get hurt, and discover your worth on his or her own.
It hurts so much! My ex doesn’t care about me at all!
If you think that your ex doesn’t care, you’re probably right. If your ex cared, he or she wouldn’t have left and started dating someone else. Your ex would have stayed by your side and helped you get over the breakup.
Dumpers who care about their exes offer sympathy and support. They show that despite breaking up, they value their ex as a human being and that they don’t want their ex to suffer.
Your ex didn’t do that. Your ex happily jumped into a relationship with someone else and showed you how little you meant to him or her.
That tells you that your ex is not very special at all. He or she isn’t someone you should be crying over and hoping to get back with. Your heart probably tells you that your ex is worth the wait, but that’s only because you’re hurt. Once you stop hurting and regain your composure, you’re going to wonder what you were thinking when you wanted to be with your ex even though your ex was with someone else.
Always remember that anyone who starts dating someone else does so because he or she doesn’t want to be with you anymore/again. It doesn’t matter if your ex told you things like, “It’s just a break, It’s not serious, I feel like we’ll get back together in the future.”
Promises after the breakup are empty. They carry no weight and assurance that the dumper will come back and actually want to be with you. So try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is your worst enemy after the breakup as it’s keeping you in the past while your ex is dating someone else, focusing on the present and future.
A person who cares about you and wants to be with you will show you care today, not tomorrow or a week from now. He or she will do what you need to heal and not what’s best for him or her to save face and avoid guilt.
So if your ex isn’t helping you, help yourself. Sign up for therapy, confide in your family, ask your friends for help, and stay busy. The things you do after the breakup will determine how long it takes to get over the breakup and what you learn from it.
The real reason why exes come back
When dumpers break up with dumpees, they have no intention of ever coming back. To them, the breakup is final, absolute, certain, definite, and done. They’ve decided not to stay with their exes and that they must focus on their own happiness.
And that’s what they do.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that they never go back on their word. Sometimes they try to enjoy their lives but fail. They run into problems and learn that their ex was better than they’d thought. As a result, they contact their ex and find out what their ex is up to.
If their ex still longing for them, they feel that their ex can’t help them with whatever they’re going through and find someone else to date. But if their ex appears to be doing well and doesn’t need them back, they become curious about their ex and want to know more.
They want to know what’s keeping their ex busy and giving their ex strength while they’re miserable. That’s why they try to get back with their ex.
So for your ex to come back, your ex will most likely need to suffer in his or her new relationship. Your ex will need to compare you to the new person and see that you were a decent partner. That’s when your ex will start to doubt his or her new relationship and actions and wonder if you’ll take him or her back.
You need to remain strong and in control of your life so that if you still want to be with your ex when your ex wants you back, you can control the flow of the new relationship and tell your ex to work on things he or she badly needs to work on.
Let your ex come to you!
If you’re still thinking to yourself, “My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts,” your first and only priority should be to heal and get your ex out of your mind.
I know it’s hard to let your ex go, but you need to start accepting the breakup and moving on. The only way your ex will want to be with you again is if you exude strength and let your ex come to you. Any other method will likely annoy your ex and make your ex even more hesitant about being with you.
So don’t beg and plead, apologize or do anything that won’t impress your ex.
If you make post-breakup mistakes, you’ll ruin the way your ex sees you and make reconciliation very difficult. You’ll basically show you’re not on the same page with your ex and that you’re not worthy of being in a relationship with your ex.
Even if you don’t want your ex back anymore, you should still stay away from your ex. Follow no contact so that you can work on yourself and become the person you want to be.
Is your ex dating someone else already and it hurts? What are you doing to cope with anxiety? Let us know by commenting below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your ex’s new relationship and the pain it’s giving you, visit our coaching page for more information.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
We were together for 2 years, very happy then after a stressful situation he decided that he couldnt see a future with me . He said I love you but this is the best for both of us. 2 weeks later he texted the girl that we once fought about because she tried to seduce him
I am in University, and my girlfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We are in the same major (which is very small) and we will have classes together until graduation (a year and a half from now). Additionally, she has also started seeing the guy who lives directly across the hall from me at my apartment complex. We most likely won’t ever speak again, but seeing her often is inevitable. I’ve accepted the reality of the situation, but everything in life has it’s awe taken away. I have very little interest in anything, and all food tastes bad and is very difficult to stomach. I am in need of advice.
Hi Jake! Can’t really give you advice (also experiencing a painful breakup that happened a month ago; I think only time will heal us eventually) but I really want to say that I really hope you will become yourself again soon! I wish all the happiness in the world! I mean it 🙂 Stay strong. I will also try to do that. We can do this!
-Dewi
Hi Jake.
Breakups are difficult, so make sure you spend loads of your free time with friends and family.
Lean on them for support and focus on getting over your ex.
You can do it.
Best wishes,
Zan
My ex in now dating another girl and he said that doesn’t love me anymore but when I saw him in the gym with his friends he always say that my face is the most beautiful baby face but he doesn’t want me anymore but I love him so much but he doesn’t want to communicate and has blocked me from all social media sites. We separated months ago and tried a lot to return to him, but he did not accept. I feel he still loves me, but I couldn’t bear it. How can I make him come back to me.
Hi Steph.
You can’t force him to come back.
So let him date another girl if he wants to.
If their relationship happens to fail, you might hear from him.
Kind regards,
Zan
I read all the comments here, and one thing that’s never covered is how do I distance myself to recover. When I have children with my exwife and I have to see her to see my children?
Hi Shaun.
Distance yourself whenever you can. And when you need to see your children, talk only about them.
Best regards,
Zan
He also said that he was truly sorry for breaking up with me and asked me if it was ok if we can just be friends. The day before the break up we were all lovey dovey over texts and the next day he breaks up with me. I dont really get it. I wonder what made him think to break up with me.
It was probably the new girl he’s seeing.
Kind regards,
Zan
Me and my bf broke up after a MONTH of dating. We are in different schools, but our cities were like 20 min away. The only time we saw each other was either with friends or a competition we both go to. His mom took away his phone, so i could not really contact him unless he texted me from his friends phone. I loved him very much and he loved me to. I thought that we were going to be together forever but I was stupid to think that now that we broke up. The day he broke up with me he said “long distance relationships dont really work for me” and “theres so many things wrong with me i needed the person who i love to be there” (after reading a few words i started to burst into tears.) He was the first person where i felt so much love and and I never wanted to lose him. He was probably saying that he couldnt see me everyday. But he moved on to quickly, right after our break up (like probably a day or 2 days after) he got a new gf, which broke my heart even more. They are still together and I was thinking that he’s already over me and stuff. Im not over him yet, but it still hurts. I still miss what we had and i still love him. But I dont understand why he moved on that fast.
Hi Mandy.
Since your ex didn’t get his heart broken like you did, he didn’t suffer that much. He just moved on as if nothing happened.
He also got another girlfriend right away so she’s keeping him busy.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you so much. Ever since the break up I haven’t been focusing, I have crying and hoping that he would come back to my life when i know he wouldn’t. His friend told me how they got together, which was they confessed feelings and it just went from there. His new gf is at the same school with him. But I was going to contact him for a month saying “hey friend” but I just refused cause i didn’t want to bother him. I know now that he wouldve just either tried to make the relationship last longer, or after the break up he wouldve just gave himself time to get over the break up before he started dating, HIs friend told me that he was upset when he broke up with me too.
I was going to contact him after a month is what I meant.
Hi Mandy.
Your ex was upset, but he didn’t regret leaving.
So now that he’s dating someone else, don’t reach out to him. You have nothing to say that could bring him back or make you feel better.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi guys,
it hurts like hell.
I was with my ex gf for 6 years. Weve had multiple breakups. I took her for granted.
Now we are almost 3 months apart. She started dating a new guy 2 months before.
I would not say that she had the new guy lined up before our break up.
She would still reach out to me almost every day. As long as its hard to tak to her without emotions i try to keep conversation friendly.
Long story short – She visited me 2 weeks before. Just to see the “our” dog. I felt the connection. She would not kiss me on my lips, but we warmly hugged (4 times) and kissed on the cheeks. It was quite strange. I felt that she dindnt wanna leave. But on the other hand i feel that she Is happy with her new boyfriend. He probably treats her better than me.
So my question Is. Should i stay in contact with her in the hope od reconciliation or should i give up and move with my life? I would say she feel that im not that old person anymore but Is it enough for her to leave her new boyfriend?
*ago (instead od before). Sorry, im front europe
Hi Tom.
Her new relationship has to start failing before she can feel more toward you.
So the choice is yours. Is staying in contact with her hurting you or are you okay with remaining her best option?
Best regards,
Zan
So I’m the one that ended the relationship. He’s 28 I’m 22. We dated for 4 years and it’s only been 7 months since I ended it. I was going through some hard times when he came into my life. He helped, supported me, so he became my world. Though my parents hated him and I was constantly attacked for being with him I ignored it all. As time went by I felt things were going bland. We no longer had nothing to talk about but the rather how was your day type of conversation. We would’nt go out on dates except 3 wich where nothing like I was expecting; I felt like I was leading the relationship and I didn’t like that. When we did see each other we always ended going intimate. I desired much more. I ended it up with him but after a couple of weeks he reached out to me. Feeling lonely I accepted to see him again as “friends” this time no strings attached. Knowing this will only hurt me in the long run we began to talk less and to agree meeting with him less often. Seven months past by like this, and just a few days ago I found out he was “speaking” to another girl my age. 15 days after the last day we last saw each other intimately I found out. I suppose he was talking to her already I just didn’t know. That botherd me if I’m being honest. At the same time though I was also trying to the same…to move on… I just haven’t been successful 😐. Problem is….that this girl was an old friend of mine who I stopped talking to a few months after I began to date him. And problem is that we frequent the same church. We all know each other and if, and when I go, I have to see him and now them. I thought I was well over him but seeing him trying to approach her like he used to do with me is a little hurtful. After all, I did love him. And all I wanted was more. And to see my old “friend” talking to my ex is just uncomfortable. I don’t want to stop frequenting the place i attend. So all I can do is ignore and look happy. Wich I’m genuinely trying to be regardless of the situation. What’s your advise on my case? What can I do to be a little less miserable? Thank you in advance 😬
I feel better after having read your article. My ex is dating someone (my complete opposite) for almost 3 months now and I start doubting about the ‘rebound’ thing, afraid that it could be as long as our relationship was. I think he is dating this girl because he is lonely (he only sees his colleagues at work but his friends are always busy).
I am still not over him after 5 months. I had a hookup with someone, tried to date.
We had a short-term relationship : we talked to each other for 2 months + less than 5 months of dating. We ended on good terms, we never had any arguments or huge fights. I had occasion to text him a month ago and we exchanged a few (of very long) texts even if I knew he was seeing someone else. He seems to care about me. By the way he never told me he was seeing someone, even when we were texting.
We didn’t talk for a month, as I can’t do anything about him dating someone else, so I just live my life still thinking about him.
Is there any chance to reconcile in the future, after months apart, when we had a short-term relationship ?
Thank you for your help !
May
Hi May.
It’s possible to get back together after many months apart.
But you can’t keep hoping on it right now. You have to get him out of your head first so that you can focus on your own life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi! I’m in a bit of trouble.
Me and my ex stayed in a long distance relationship for 6 years. We studyed in the same city, it was easy for us to see each other, but we could never visit each other home due to the distance. We never got to know each other significant friends or parents, nor make pretty experience togheter (like travels and so on) cause we were both concened about our collage. Thought we have been through hell (it was hard to accept that little we could do, at time, to change our situations), we deeply loved each other and shared a profound bond. But In the last year, he began to feel scared about a lot of things, he started to spent more time in his city than with me, even if we were both supposed to attend at lessons, he kept telling me he was feeling concerned about his life because he couldn’t figure out his future, but instead of searching comfort, he distanciate himself, then broke up with me. I was very broken hearted (still am) because I tough he still love me, he just didn’t know what to do. After months, I was finally able to talk to him, I wanted to figure out if I could still do something, but he told me what I took for truth. He wasn’t happy in our relationship. Things were getting boring and he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I was devastated, everything I believed was gone. He was the love of my life, but I wasn’t worth committing for him.
Decided to go no contact, but after a year he came back “as friends” and we both decided to take those terms. He always stated that would never ever think to be with me again, but fact is… That our bond was strong and we ended up beign very close again. A month passed, we went on out 1th “unofficial” date, seeing each other for the second time, and he looked so deeply in love with me that I forgot everything he said and let my self go to hopes and love. Unfortunately, as we began to talk about our feelings, he meet a girl and immediately date her. They also kissed at the 1th date without knowing each other. Without even thinking of anything happened between us, he told me – again – that he never wanted a relationship with me and know prefer to be involved with this girl without ruin everything by speaking to me. I’m now deeply depressed, I’ve blocked him everywhere because I didn’t want to know nothing about her or their relationship since he basically trashed me. He said that he feels this girl could be the girl he was searching for. She lives in her city, is a serious tipe of girl, very mature even if she is 19 years old while he is 26 years old, and they were both grieving for the loss of a long relationship. But I also know that she is completely different from me, we are the opposites and I can’t even compare, and her and my ex also don’t really have a lot of interest in common, while we used to share everything. Do you see this as a rebound relationship, or a new real beginning since, even if he never had the chance to feel alone, he still broke up with me 2 years ago and “moved on”? He said he don’t know if he had feelings for me anymore, while before meeting her he reallt seems to care about me, but never had the chance to speak about feeling since she appeared right away.
My ex and I were together for about 5 years, but the last 2 years we have both always stayed in touch. Whether it was seeing each other again for a short amount of time, arguing and then breaking it off again we wouldnt speak for maybe 2 or 3 months until one of us would get ahold of each other. The last go was about a month ago and it ended very badly and I walked out as he hasn’t changed and is still very manipulative, liar, cheater, narcissistic ect… and just isnt healthy for me, but I have a hard time letting go of him because I feel like I truly love him, he is the only one that I have ever had a connection with the way that we do.. it almost feels like a drug I guess. Anyways, about 2 weeks ago I had messaged him and he didnt get back to me until a few days later and he told me that he is in a new relationship after only knowing this girl for a week but says it felt so right to both of them that they decided to make it official. This really hurt me and has really affected me. That same night he came over because I asked to see him one last time and we ended up sleeping together and then he left (while he is in this new so perfect relationship) we then got into a big argument as I felt used ect. He cut me off and said some really mean things and I confronted his now partner through a message letting her know the situation not to cause anything but because I felt so used and tired of being that girl that I felt it was only fair for her to know what had happened and she could make her own decisions. He totally lied to her about everything and made it seem like like I was just the crazy ex and apparently the lies he was telling her to cover up somehow were all making sense and so she didnt believe me. Anyways, we both have zero contact with each other and are blocked on everything but Im feeling very hurt and jealous I guess. I dont know how to properly heal and move on from this 7year toxic relationship and I am just over feeling this way. When I think I’ve finally moved on he pops up again or this happens. Agter this I know it’s done for real and I am fine with that, but I just want to be at the stage where nothing of him affects me negatively anymore and happily move forward with my life.
Hi, I recentley have been broken up with my ex of almost 4 years. She told me that she likes somebody else which I figured out who it was, a friend of hers. They get together a week or so after we broke up in September this year and shes posting pictures about him. We made plans before our breakup to take a trip in October for her birthday now she is taking the new guy with her on the trip and moving way to quickly. She told me she still wants me in her life and communicates with me, at first I didn’t think it was such a good idea. I haven’t been talking to her as much since I’ve been busy working in myself for the better. It’s just odd how she can jump from one moving train to the next all of a sudden.
Hi Jeremy.
I understand your confusion.
It was easy for your ex to detach because someone else was giving her love and support. And since she didn’t have good relationship mentality and didn’t respect you enough as her partner, she was able to make a swift transition.
Stay strong!
Zan
My ex and I were together for 4 years but friends for many years before we got Together. He broke up with me after I was on a road trip for a month. During that time of being alone he decided that suited him better and broke up with me to do just that. We have been apart for 2 months and he told me the other day he has been “seeing” someone and it’s nothing serious and not like our relationship so this is how he justifies it. I guess he can do what he wants but I’m just upset. I’m trying to do all the right things to heal. But this new information almost makes me feel like I have to start over again. And yes since we were best friends for many years before we got together and were together for 4 years we tried to be friends first but we are now not speaking. Maybe shoulda done that right away but it was very hard for me to not have something funny to tell him that only he would appreciate. Anyway, I’m trying now and I know I’m doing better in life than he is.
Hi Holly.
Finding out about him dating another person set you back. That’s why I suggest you focus on healing and stay in no contact indefinitely. It’s the only way for you to fully recover.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello… I find myself in a situation & mostly blame myself for it. Earlier this year while we were still living together with my daughter (not his), something happened that just made me feel like I needed to sit back and ask God to reveal to me if this is the relationship for me. As much as I loved this man, i always had an insecure feeling. Feelings that he would never be the man who would look after me, even if i had to fall ill. He never did anything to suit both our needs financially. Everything was about him and what he could gain. Me having to pay rent and buy food and contribute wherever else. He didnt reat my daughter badly & that was a plus for me. He isnt a good communicator. EVERYTHING you talk about is an issue. It turns into a fight. Everything. He has a bad temper. He never bought me gifts, not even for my big bday last year. Everything is just about him and yet, I’m still heartbroken by what he just did. There’s a long list of things I can go to but to cut the story short.
I moved out of his place a couple of months back because he was insistent that we move, regardless of the fact that I had no money at the time and I was renting out my place until end of this year. When I moved out he was remorseful in front of other people. Checking my whereabouts. What I was doing. With whom. Etc. At first i remained in anger. I held onto it and it helped me. I felt relieved being out of the relationship that was more draining than anything else. He was hard work. Then my anger subsided and because he was confessing his love and how he is doing introspection etc. Not wanting another woman in his life. How he thinks he finally learnt the lessons…. I allowed myself to soften towards him. I never ran back to him coz too much happened and I thought that i would only know he did learn and understand, was when his actions aligned with his words. I saw him 2 weeks ago and decided bc I had feelings for him, let me see if there is still a connection. Had a nice evening but again, didn’t fully open up as the days went by. I would only fully open up if there was a shift coz otherwise I was going to go back to the same old ways. And I didnt want that life again. Then I had a dream that he is seeing someone. In my fear that he possibly was seeing someone, I said maybe friendship would be better coz what if either one of us decided to pursue another relationship, then 1 of us would be left getting hurt. 2 days went by and I told him I had this dream more than once. By the Friday I eventually came out and asked him and his answer was yes. I’m in a relationship. Since when? Since that week and bc of what I said. I personally don’t believe it and believe that this person was being strung along too, seeing which of us would give in first. He has been promising me that he is going to mens conferences, learning more on how to treat women…for us. He was in contact all the time but nothing over the top from my side. Talks here and there about what our future could be like should it be GODS will.
And now for the last week, he is in a relationship. Even took her to his mom’s bday gathering.
I feel heartbroken and angry because I can’t believe I trusted him. That I believed in him again. That we were going to make a shift for the best of the future. I feel hurt being deceived like that and yes probably my ego….I feel like a fool. I allowed myself to cry and havent contacted him again. I saw yday that he blocked me on WhatsApp. Clearly I was a fool and played like a fool. Maybe all the changes he said he was making was for someone else. Or maybe there are no changes. It’s just a game to him.
Oh. He is a 50 year old guy who has the same patterns with every woman he has been with. Logic tells me that I am lucky to understand what I actually need from someone but I guess the ego makes you feel all these other negative emotions.
Hi, I’m actually the dumper in this case 🙁 I left my ex because he didn’t respect me and this happened because of his drinking and drug problems. There was name calling and I was always belittled when he was drunk (for two years). I made the decision to leave him because he kicked me out of the house one day as I complained about his behavior. This was eight months ago. We were together for 7 years and married for 6 months. After me leaving the house he tried to get back with me and promised he will change and never disrespect me again, but I never believed him. A lot of damaged had been done and I was afraid of going back to the same patterns. He begged me for a long time and I didn’t go back. Consequently, he would send me mean emails and text still calling me names because I was rejecting him. He kept doing that. It wasn’t until July 20, 2019 that he had his last outburst with me when he finally told me he would never do that to me again. He promised I would see a new person and that he would respect me going forward. He also stated that he respected my decision of being apart and that he would prove me he’s changed during this transition. We remained talking and would still text every day. No physical contact though. Just texting and calling. He seemed a lot better than before, since July, and he has been nice to me since. I hadn’t hear name calling nor mean emails or texts. We had started a clean “friendship.”
A month ago I was finally strong enough to file for divorce because we both needed closure and it was unfair to keep him and myself in the limbo. He asked me to think this carefully as we might still be able to work things out. But I still wasn’t ready to go back and still didn’t trust him fully. I filed and got served and the divorce was signed. We kept talking. There was no hard feelings and he respected my decision. I was happy that we were still able to build a clean relationship after that. I could see over texts that he was nicer to me. That he was trying to be a better person.
Then on September 2 was his birthday. I offered to take him out for dinner and he agreed. I didn’t want anything out of it. Just have a nice dinner and conversation with my ex husband. But last night he emailed me saying to please cancel our reservations and that we had to love on and not confused each other. Then he confessed he met someone else last weekend and he was talking to this person. So he felt it’s wrong to talk to me now… I didn’t take it so well and it’s hurting me a lot… why is it hurting so much? I was the one who wanted the divorce because he mistreated me. Why am I now hurting? I feel like I maybe made a mistake and that he maybe had changed and I let something good go…
are these feelings normal? Did I make a mistake? What should I do? 🙁
Please help…
Hi there.
Don’t mistake jealousy for love and regret.
You’re feeling these strong emotions because your ex is with someone else.
You need to remind yourself that your relationship wasn’t healthy and that your ex has a high chance of regressing back.
Also, he’s probably nice to you right now because he’s found someone else and doesn’t care that much about you anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello there, my story is a bit complicated, we have been dating for 8 years and have kids and live together. The last two years were a mess, finances played a big role in it and as a man i did not deal with it well, i wanted to provide and protect the whole manly thing. So as time went by she finally decided to break up with me and i was cool with it because it just seemed we were both getting more miserable by the day. The complications start when none of us were financially stable to move out, so the relationship duties never stopped until one day i went through her phone( not my proudest moment) and found out she was telling some other guy she loves him and cant wait to show him to the world, thats prob 6 months after our first break up. I confronted her about it and she claimed she didnt know i still cared but she stopped and we got back together. A week later i find her drunk texting the same guy and i ended it right there and then i didnt want to play those games. Now a month ago she started chatting to a new guy and shes telling who ever she can that she is whipped and falling inlove with him big time, you can imagine my world turning upside down. Now bear in mind that we still live together and the love has always been there even after the so called break ups, so im going through hell because now i have realised this is it, shes gone. She cant wait to meet him in about a week, they have been sending each other nudes and sexting. I confronted her about this new guy, i smoked weed before that and i couldnt stop crying,dont laugh, im devastated, she cant syop telling people as soon as she touches down to see him( she told me shes going to visit her sister) shes gonna sleep with him. She has denied it so many times that shes in a relationship and that she will fuck him. i find these out cuz im a good spy OK, but man i cant even sleep right, the image of another man pumping the mother of my children is the worst pain i have ever felt im life.
Hi friend.
I understand your difficult circumstances.
As your ex right now is, she’s not in love with you so you have to protect yourself and distance yourself.
If you don’t the pain could cause you a lot of long-term damage.
Your relationship wasn’t working out very well recently, so this was going to happen eventually. Now that it has, stay strong and don’t be afraid to get professional help if you need to.
Best regards,
Zan
I dated my ex for 2 years, we’re both 20, & he broke up with me out of nowhere 2 months saying he needed to fix himself so we could be better together bc I was becoming too much (asking him to come over & complaining about work) but found out he got a tinder as soon as we broke up.. he then went to wedding with a woman in her late 20s who has a kid (friend of his friend) & he even told me not to worry about her, but they are now seeing each other. I just dont feel like I ever knew him to begin with
Hi Jada.
The excuse “need to fix myself” is often a guy excuse that means he wasn’t happy in a relationship with you. He basically associated his internal issues with you and strengthened them with the actual arguments.
Stay strong and heal completely. I’m not sure if you want him back, but if you do, you should also work on your shortcomings.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
I’m 32 yo and I’ve been in a relationship with a girl 10 younger than me. We lived togheter for almost three years, it’s been a rollercoaster, many fights, shaken confidence, I actually moved out separately after like one year than chased her back even if she slept with another, then we moved back to my hometown, which she hates, and it was pretty difficult for both of us, arguments were more frequent and as she was constantly threatning to leave I began to tell her ‘do it’, she even did for a few days. However, I always felt we really had true feelings for eachother, beyond whatever, and we always made things allright again. Even before she would leave, in the last weeks, she was telling me how she never watched football before and how she won’t ever let me go. Then, after some heavy arguments and even a couple a bruises ( It wasn’t beating, but I did grab har hard and she had been loosing weight and her skin was very fragile) she said she will go home to write her final school paper, and we broke up after a terrible thing over exchanged texts.. I went bezerck and she said ‘that’s it’…It’s been two months now and I could not help myself not to reach out, she lives all the way across the country now, went at her place, she was kind and she was still in love but I could only stay for 24 hours and could’t fix much.. After this she started acting more and more hateful and indifferent toward me,says she was vey happy but I never thought she was really honest, now a few days ago as I texted her she told me to go to hell and that she has a new bf and that she has to block me cuz it was to cringy, she actually called me, which she did not in two months, I could not reach her either via phone, she called and said cold-cold things but she was on drugs and I could sense that she was pretty wasted, she kept repeating how unimportant I was and stuf…then she saves some tracks in her youtube playlist and it doesn’t look as if she’s happy either by herself or with that new relationship. She saves vengeful and depressive music into her list. I wished her to be well and did not talk back dirty to her. I do love her a lot and feel remorse about how I made her insecure and suffer, taking her for granted, acting nuts and keeping my thougts away from her…I do really love her and want(ed) to take it to another level, but now she looks down on me and she’s convinced herself Im a loser, but I’ve been working and studying all these years, which she has not, and it was not once that she told me (when we were togheter) how she feels like she’s keeping me down…Anyway…I love her deeply, I feel she still has feelings underneath the grudge she keeps, but she conviced herself she did the right thing. Im finally trying NC and ….I don’t know. I wish I could see inside her heart, because I am one step away from going to her town again and trying to confront her…I don’t know…Thanks for being here.
I have just come out of a 17 year relationship she left and took the 3 kids. We didnt talk for the first 5 weeks and went when did it was arguments. one day she just turned up with the kids and told me what a mistake she had made and how much she loved me. She stayed for 3 weeks and on the first day I had away from her she joined a dating app… I was shown her profile by a friend. She moved out again and when I asked why she would do that I had the reply it is what it is. I asked what she was doing on there and she said talking with a few people then cut contact with me to zero. She has now said that she’s single and can do and see who she wants… Not only did I get hurt once but twice and the second time is much harder to get back from.
Hi Rob.
You deserve better than what she has to offer. As things are, she doesn’t respect you enough so if I were you, I’d cut contact with her.
Heal from her abuse and find someone who would die for you.
There are people who would out there, but she’s not one of them.
Kind regards,
Zan
I was in a relationship for a year and was so in love with her. We had talked about getting married and start g a family and panned to go to Australia together. She got a visa but I was unable to get one, so she decided to go on her own. 7 months before she left she told me that she wanted to break up as she wanted to get over me and learn to be on her own before going to Oz. I accepted it but shortly after realised how I loved and missed her. I did the begging and pleading thing, obviously didn’t work. Then she told me she was meeting someone else, a guy from her work whom I know. There’s pics of them allover FB. I am so heart broken. They have being seein g each other for a few months now and started dating a couple of weeks after we split up. I’m so lost, angry and hurt.
Hi Derik.
The person you dated wasn’t strong enough, nor did she love you enough to want to stay with you despite the distance.
It’s not worth getting upset over her in my opinion. She’s just another girl who lives a selfish life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I was in a year long relationship, that ended around January. I did the begging and pleading part, but not too much. Luckily I found your site pretty quickly, and nearly everyone of your blogs in the meantime, seems like it could be written for myself. I and my ex are in out late thirties and have children from previous marriages, so we are not young teenagers 😀 I thought we had a fantastic relationship, that truly meant something. She dumped me. I have since found she was in relationship, after about a month of dumping me. I didn’t know about this relationship as I was in no contact, and our friends wouldn’t be in the same circles. When she was still seeing this new person, she went out of her way to bump into me, as she new my routine and knew where I would be on such a day. At this time I didn’t know she was seeing this new guy,thankfully. So we chatted briefly and I followed your advice, and didn’t mention the breakup and showed her I was coping well etc. She was obviously checking up, to see if I knew about her new relationship and see what my reaction was like. As I.didn’t know at that time, I didn’t show any emotions or jealousy etc. I have since found out, this rebound relationship is now finished. It must have lasted two months, maybe slightly longer. I still have not heard anything from my ex, and am still strictly no contact. I am feeling better as each week goes by. However, the fact my ex.hasn’t reached out to me after her rebound relationship broke up. I am wondering what to do? Obviously I am staying in no contact, but I am.starting to think that no contact is not working in.trying to.make my ex reach out to me?
Hi Niall.
You don’t do anything. You must wait her out.
Best,
Zan