When your ex starts dating right away or soon after the breakup, your ex’s actions have a lot to say about your ex’s personality. They indicate that your ex has been planning the breakup for a while and that your ex has been looking for a strong incentive to finally pull the trigger.
Since your ex questioned your ability to make your ex happy, something very relationship-damaging started happening in your ex’s mind.
Your ex started experiencing the grass is greener syndrome and entertaining the idea that you weren’t his or her ideal partner. You were someone your ex was meant to be with only temporarily until he or she got bored and found someone more entertaining to be with.
Due to your ex’s poor relationship mindset, the positive aspect of your relationship, therefore, soon lost its value. All that mattered to your ex were the negative things your ex focused on. That’s why your ex established the idea that you weren’t good for him or her and that it was okay to be happy with someone else.
Your ex needed to put himself or herself first and finally be happy. So your ex did just that. He or she developed some new beliefs. The biggest one was that your ex could do better.
At that point, you were still unaware of the fact that your ex was thinking about dating someone else and that your ex was with one foot out the door already.
All your ex needed to break up with you was for someone to ask him or her out—or for you to make one final mistake and push him or her over the edge.
Eventually, one of these two things happened and caused your ex to give up completely.
That’s when your ex started feeling repulsed by you and thinking it was okay to start dating someone right away. There was no shame in doing that because happiness comes first, right? Quotes on Facebook and Internet say so, at least.
So if your ex started dating right away and you want to know why, stick around. This article will explain what’s happening to your ex after the breakup.
When your ex starts dating right away
By the time the breakup ensued, your ex had already detached.
He or she felt tired and unhappy, so your ex became open to new romantic opportunities that would distract your ex from the “awful” past and make your ex happier and energized.
Your ex likely first considered dating his or her exes, people who confessed their feelings in the past, and even those who appeared to be a huge downgrade. Perhaps your ex even signed up for dating websites and tried to move on as quickly as possible.
You probably don’t know what your ex did.
But the point is that it didn’t take long before your ex found someone who expressed an interest in dating your ex. Nowadays, it’s ridiculously easy to find someone to date.
Because of dating apps like Tinder and other easy ways to connect with people, your ex was able to quickly arrange a date and sweep his or her emotions and personal shortcomings under the rug. By doing so, your ex dodged every valuable lesson your ex was supposed to learn from the breakup and focused on dating.
Rather than learning more about relationships and breakup emotions as well as improving his or her shortcomings, your ex just followed his or her heart and instincts. This means that your ex chose to run away from problems and put the blame on you.
Your ex didn’t want to be held accountable, so your ex decided to try his or her luck with someone new.
You must understand that if your ex didn’t feel victimized that your ex would still be with you today. Your ex wouldn’t need to date other people because your ex would understand that he or she has things to work on.
Dumpers are selfish
Since your ex felt smothered and unhappy, your ex associated a lot of unhealthy emotions with you. Your ex was certain that you made him/her feel those emotions even though it was your ex who developed unhealthy perceptions and emotions that destroyed the relationship.
I’m not saying you were perfect, but you can’t blame yourself for someone’s negative feelings and perceptions. Your ex was responsible for maintaining his or her opinion of you and love for you. If your ex stopped maintaining them, that had almost nothing to do with what you were like as a person.
It had everything to do with your ex’s ability to handle negativity and resolve it before it got out of control. Your ex needed to understand that every person is responsible for his or her thoughts and emotions. Other people may affect them, but as long as the relationship is healthy, there’s no need to focus on the negative aspect of the relationship.
People who do that fall out of love and/or develop resentments.
So bear in mind that your ex wasn’t very self-aware of what was going on inside him/her. Your ex was just reacting to positive and negative emotions and eventually got overwhelmed by them. This happens when a person lacks the skills and willpower to express negative emotions and solve problems.
Now that your ex is dating someone else, though, you can’t expect your ex to become a self-aware problem-solver. You can expect your ex to remain the same because people don’t change easily. They need a strong reason to change. And they tend to find this strong reason when they get wounded badly and realize that they need to change or they’ll continue to experience the same issues and suffer.
Different person, same story
When your ex starts dating someone else right away, your ex ignores the lessons he or she was supposed to learn from the relationship.
We’re not talking just about realizing what your ex could have done better in the romantic relationship with you. We’re also talking about improving relationship skills and shortcomings. And that’s something that takes a lot of time and effort.
Self-improvement comes in many stages. It starts with the realization that a person has things to work on (often caused by pain), followed by motivation or desperation to change those things, and finally, a lot of hard work, time, and perseverance.
It’s absurd to expect your ex to change without a goal or desire. Your ex can’t change by chance. It’s impossible because there is no such thing as random growth.
Simply realizing what he or she has done wrong won’t improve your ex’s behavior, and neither will jumping straight into the next relationship. Your ex could avoid some personality clashes with this new person, but other than that, old thinking and behavioral patterns will remain. They’ll show up when your ex stops feeling infatuated with the new person and stops pretending to be someone he or she is not.
So if you’re afraid that your ex will have a much better relationship with the new person, rest assured that merely changing romantic partners won’t make a big difference. Couples argue, bicker, and face various disagreements because they lack maturity, impulse control, and various relationship skills.
They don’t change a zilch if they don’t want to change and make the effort to change.
You see, people don’t automatically improve their flaws when they start dating someone new. This is because their relationship starts with the infatuation phase (happiness and validation), which kills their motivation.
Why did my ex start dating right away?
When your ex starts dating right away, your ex does that for a few possible reasons.
The most reasonable explanation is that your ex is over you and wants to get to know another person as soon as possible. That person could make your ex feel loved and give your ex the kinds of feelings he or she had been craving in the relationship with you.
This, of course, doesn’t have anything to do with how attractive you are and what you were like as a romantic partner. Even though your self-esteem is trying to make you doubt your worth, don’t let it. Remember that your ex dating someone new right away shows that your ex is in a hurry to date and that your ex is probably a bit afraid of being alone.
Your ex needs to be in a relationship because relationships boost your ex’s self-esteem and give your ex someone to confide in.
As long as your ex receives validation, support, and various relationship benefits from the new person, your ex will be more than satisfied in a relationship with this new person. He or she will appear happy and might make you feel jealous of the person he or she posts on social media.
But when your ex encounters problems and/or gets dumped, your ex will once again need someone to rely on. That person could be you or someone he or she got to know before. That’s when your ex will likely repeat the same cycle as before, which entails looking for someone new to connect with and once again neglect the need to reflect and grow.
People who start dating someone new right away tend to do that repeatedly. It’s not a one-time thing for them because their emotional needs stay the same after every breakup. The only time they change is when they willingly work on them and/or feel forced to work on them.
Here’s a picture explaining why your ex started dating someone new right away.
Your ex lacks a lot of self-love
When your ex starts dating right away and skips introspection, your ex immediately sets himself or herself up for failure regardless of whether he or she stays with the new person. That’s because your ex misses out on breakup lessons that would allow your ex to become the best version of himself or herself.
Dating another person so soon indeed makes your ex feel accepted and loved. But just because your ex found someone new to love and to be loved by, that doesn’t mean that your ex will improve his or her self-love and behavior.
Sure, people mature a bit with age and time, but not a whole lot. You probably know someone who at the age of 50 still acts immature or lacks self-control and other important values. That person hasn’t found an opportunity to grow yet. He or she had been living life by reacting to stressors and problems rather than responding to them.
So keep in mind that real change doesn’t happen with age but rather when people:
- Want to improve.
- Need to improve.
Those are the only two ways for growth to happen. It’s sad that the second way motivates people way more often and creates better results than the first one. But that’s because a need to grow doesn’t feel good and forces people to change something about themselves.
For people to want to improve, however, they usually need to encounter a need to improve first. They need to go through some unpleasant experience that makes them self-aware and capable of changing without external pressures.
I’m telling you this so you know that it may still be too early for your ex to change willingly. It’s much, much more likely that something unpleasant will have to happen to your ex first. Something that forces your ex to develop self-awareness and stop relying on other people for self-love and recognition.
Your ex lacks validation
The reason why your ex started dating someone new so quickly most likely has something to do with the length of your relationship. If it’s been a while since your ex felt how falling in love feels, your ex probably wants to experience that love phase again.
Your ex wants to feel validated and empowered by it so that your ex can feel important and strong enough to handle life matters confidently and securely.
This new person can now give your ex everything your ex needs for a while. There won’t be many issues or arguing because everything will be new and exciting. They will just focus on love and continue to feel the butterflies without a worry in the world.
We could say that the new person is your ex’s savior. He or she will distract your ex for a while and show your ex that relationships aren’t supposed to be so difficult.
In reality, though, all relationships have ups and downs. They have challenges, problems, occasional disagreements, and sometimes even temptations to cheat. It’s how couples respond to these difficulties that determines whether couples are ready for a serious romantic relationship or if they still need to work on themselves for a while.
If you ask me, all couples should take a bit of a break when their long-term relationship ends. Even if it’s a short-term relationship, they should still try to figure out what went wrong so they can improve the things they need to improve and have more successful relationships afterward.
Self-esteem
Your ex could also start dating someone immediately after you to boost his or her ego and self-esteem. These two things could make your ex rely on another person for basic human needs such as personal security and self-acceptance.
If that’s what your ex is doing, your ex needs a lot of care, reassurance, and affection. If your ex doesn’t get them from the new person, it could cause problems in their new relationship.
Jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior are just some of the problems they could face.
So bear in mind that an ex who needs a person to be happy doesn’t feel content on his or her own. That person needs someone else to feel secure, fulfilled, and strong to deal with the problems life throws at him/her.
The problem is that a person like that requires someone with a lot of energy and understanding. An ordinary person likely won’t understand why your ex is unhappy and will feel exhausted.
So if you’re wondering why your ex started dating right away without taking the time to process the breakup, here’s an infographic that will explain why.
Taking responsibility
It goes without saying that the breakup was inevitable. Something needed to change because you, your ex, or both weren’t as happy as you needed to be to make the relationship work. Or if you were happy, you needed to work together and improve your thinking patterns, set some new goals, and practice gratitude.
That’s why if you’re blaming yourself for the breakup, you need to stop. Your ex is just as responsible for the breakup as you. I suppose the problem is that your ex doesn’t agree with this statement. If your ex agreed, your ex would have taken a break from dating to work on personal flaws. But instead, your ex rushed into a relationship with someone else and made it seem like you were solely responsible for the breakup.
Whatever you do, don’t think that your ex’s actions show you have the most work to do. All they show is that your ex got tired of the relationship and that he or she has no plans to spend his or her post-breakup time and energy thinking about the breakup.
Your ex wants to focus on the future instead.
And that’s okay. Your ex doesn’t have to change anything if he or she doesn’t want to. Your ex can just ignore old problems and run into the same or similar problems in the future. That will be karma for your ex and perhaps even your revenge if you still care.
Your ex will have a tough road ahead
When your ex starts seeing someone else immediately after the breakup, know that your ex keeps old relationship skills and applies them to the new relationship. By doing so, your ex gets the same results only with a different person.
But your ex doesn’t know that right now. Your ex still thinks that you’re responsible for the breakup and that someone new will make a perfect boyfriend or girlfriend.
And for a while, that will probably be true. Your ex will be very excited to start a romantic relationship with someone he or she can start fresh with.
It will probably take your ex months to realize that the new relationship isn’t perfect and that it will require a lot of work just like any other relationship.
This will force your ex to open his or her eyes and see things more clearly. If your ex doesn’t resent you or think you’re a bad person, your ex may even compare the new person to you. It all depends on the quality of your ex’s new relationship and your ex’s happiness in it.
Your ex doesn’t know what he or she did
Since your ex felt emotionally drained from the miserable end of the last relationship, your ex didn’t feel that he or she was rushing into another relationship. Your ex was over you, so your ex saw the new person as a great opportunity and a solution to his or her unhappiness.
Your ex truly believed that this new person would make him or her feel as great as you once did. That’s why your ex acted very quickly and decisively and hoped to once again feel the sparks – the butterflies in the stomach from the newness of a new romantic relationship.
Little did your ex know that the love phase is just a phase. It passes very quickly and leaves couples with nothing but their relationship skills and commitment to keep the relationship going.
If couples have these skills or if they’re mature enough to develop them while they’re together, they can keep the relationship going even after the love phase has ended.
But if they have very little motivation and lack the skills to maintain the relationship, then they usually give up on it. They don’t have what it takes to overcome issues and stay in love when they can no longer rely on butterflies for commitment.
So bear in mind that your ex is going through new relationship stages and that your ex will likely look like he or she is on top of the world for a while. Your ex will do that for two reasons.
- Because your ex will feel good.
- Because your ex will want to share it with others.
When emotions wane, your ex will turn into the same old person that you used to know.
My ex started dating someone else the next day
When your ex starts dating someone else the next day or literally the moment he or she breaks up with you, it’s highly likely that your ex had been seeing this person behind your back and cheated on you.
It may not have been physical cheating, but your ex probably communicated with other people whilst he or she was still in a relationship with you.
At first, it was just fun and games as your ex didn’t intend to cheat on you. He or she just fancied other people’s attention.
But as time went on, your ex slowly—little by little got to know the new person and even developed feelings for him or her. That’s when your ex quickly lost feelings for you and left you to be with this person.
Your ex monkey-branched straight to another person and made you wonder what you did wrong.
You have to keep in mind that many people develop emotional connections with someone else while they’re still with their partners. Very few of them, however, state that they’re in a relationship right away. They tend to wait a few months before they make it official on their social profiles. That’s how they avoid criticism from their ex as well as friends and family.
Your ex won’t admit it
Although your ex probably denied your accusations, there’s a decent chance that your ex cheated on you. People tend to leave relationships because they met someone else or because they want to meet someone else. They don’t take the time to “fix themselves” or to “just focus on themselves.”
Those are just excuses dumpers make to get their exes off their backs and do what they want.
So do keep in mind that there’s a big possibility that your ex at least emotionally cheated on you before your ex left. The cheating may have increased your ex’s feelings for the new person and made it easier for your ex to choose who to be with.
After some thinking, your ex knew that he or she needed to make a choice. Your ex could either stay in a relationship that didn’t feel very exciting anymore or move into a relationship with someone new who made him or her feel wanted again.
It likely wasn’t easy to make a decision, but your ex had to do something to get out of the pickle he or she got himself or herself into. That’s why your ex ended up listening to his/her heart rather than morals and chose the person he or she could have a fresh start with.
It’s disrespectful
When your ex starts dating right after the relationship, your ex treats you like you don’t exist. He or she completely disregards your feelings and everything you went through as a couple.
All that matters to your ex is his or her well-being and the new relationship. If your ex cared about you and had sympathy for you, your ex wouldn’t have disrespected you like this. Your ex would have shown you that the relationship mattered and that you deserve respect even now that you aren’t together.
But since your ex leaped from one relationship straight to the next, it’s probably an understatement to say that your ex doesn’t value you very much. The most important thing to your ex is that your ex is happy and that you leave him or her alone.
You need to do just that because someone who leaves you, let alone starts dating someone else right away doesn’t deserve you. He or she is not your friend and probably shouldn’t be. It’s up to you if you want to be friends with an ex like that once you’ve healed.
Self-prioritize
Since your ex took you for granted and left you to fend for yourself, you now don’t have any choice but to deal with the breakup on your own. The easiest way for you to do that is to start following the indefinite no contact rule and stay in it for as long as you’re hurt and emotionally dependent on your ex for recognition.
The indefinite no contact rule will show your ex that you know your worth and that you’re not going to chase someone who broke up with you. Especially not now that your ex is dating someone else already because you deserve better than that.
It won’t be easy to stay away from your ex and move on because you’ll be comparing yourself to your ex’s new partner like crazy. But you have to keep in mind that you can’t reason with your ex and win him or her back by degrading yourself.
If you still want your ex back, you’ll have to wait for your ex to come to you. That’s the only way your ex will respect you and want to contact you.
What to say to my ex who started dating someone else right away?
You don’t have to say anything to an ex who started dating someone else right away. There’s no need to do that because a strong reaction from you will show that you’re very disappointed with your ex and that you still want to get back with him or her.
Instead, try to remain level-headed and tell your ex that you understand and accept the breakup. Say that you’ll need some time to yourself and that you’ll appreciate it if he or she doesn’t reach out.
This will prove that you’re in control of your life and that you don’t feel inferior to your ex’s new dating partner. It’s best for everyone that you avoid blaming or guilt-tripping your ex as you don’t want your ex to react strongly either.
You want him or her to see that you’ll be alright and that you’ll focus on moving on. And that will make you look as strong and attractive as you can be and allow your ex to contact you if things go south in his or her new relationship.
Did your ex start dating right away? What did your ex tell you on the day of the breakup? Leave your comment below.
And if you’d like to talk about your ex dating again with us, check out our breakup coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Me and my ex decided to take a break from each other in March, we were both extremely busy with school and hardly could make time for each other. On top of that my extremely toxic and controlling parents made our relationship very difficult for almost 2 years. We love each other very much and remained friends up and even considered getting back together once school was no longer an issue, I recently found out he began talking to a new girl about a week or so before we finalized our break. It hurts to think about everything he told me may have been a lie, and after I confronted him he still chose her. I’m very shocked at how fast he moved on.. it’s only been 1 week, but I feel like I lost my soulmate and best friend.. I hope I can get over the feeling of wanting him back when he clearly already made his choice
It is scary how actually this post mirrors my situation. I had been dating my ex girlfriend for over 4 years and have been living together for 3. We broke up about 2 months ago after she told she had cheated on me. I was crushed and pretty blindsided. After the initial shock wore off I realized that I wanted to work through this with her. I do truly love her and was willing to work on our relationship if she was. We spoke on and off for about a month but she said she needed time to be on her own. She said she knows what she did was wrong and that she needs to work on herself. As much as I wanted her back I know she was right. Then out of nowhere she said she did want to work on it with me. She was telling me how much she loved me still and was willing to do whatever it took to make us work. I was a little hesitant because I am obviously afraid of getting hurt like this again. When I told her my concerns she said we should take some time to process things. I agreed even though I know I love her I want to make the right decision. A few weeks later I went to her apartment to drop off some toys and a bone for the dog we had together (I wanted her to think about me). When I pulled up to the apartment the only thing that I saw in the window was another man sitting inside of the apartment. I was crushed. She wasn’t even home as it was the middle of the day and she was at work. I called her right away to ask her what was going on. She told me that it wasn’t serious they had gone on 2 dates and he needed a place that had wifi for work so she let him use the apartment. Now to me this is all a lie. First who doesn’t have WiFi? Second if you have only been on 2 dates with someone would you let them stay at your apartment when you aren’t there? I’m guessing she has been talking to this guy for a while and had him lined up the second she left me. He is most likely the guy she cheated on me with. She has told me that she was trying to fix her issues on her own and learn to be happy with herself (which she desperately needs to do). She said that she is still working on herself and is going to keep making changes. However as pointed out in this post that is scientifically impossible. You can’t work on yourself and be with someone else. She is taking the easy road of instant gratification and not fixing her actual issues. Issues that will happen again because this is not the first time she has cheated and then monkey branched in a relationship. She told me that she hasn’t been missing me at all and that she feels better now then when we were in our relationship. It didn’t make sense to me how she could tell me a few weeks ago that she loved me still and would do anything that it took to work on things. It does now… because she was lying. She was afraid of being alone and once the other guy was ready to commit to her she left for gold.
She has demonstrated every bad quality that is in this article. It is honestly scary how accurate this article depicts her including her past relationships that ended in a similar way. She needs constant attention and Gratification from someone. Instead of trying to work on our relationship together she started to look elsewhere for happiness and probably took the first person who would show her attention. This is a pattern for her not a new thing. I have also caught her in small lies regarding stories at work and other experience she has had. She seemed to always embellish as a way to impress people. Like I said basically everything this post says she embodies.
The toughest part about all of this is that I still love her. As time passes (it’s only been a few days of NC since I saw the guy at our apartment) I am realizing more and more that I should not ever want her back. I still find myself missing her and caring about her. I still think about her all the time. But I don’t know if I could ever fully commit to her at this point. She is not doing anything to change and fix her deep issues. Even though she says she is changing she is not. She is following the exact same pattern. I don’t think that she will be reaching out me trying to reconcile at least not any time soon. If she does it will probably be because her rebound relationship didn’t work out and she needs someone to give her attention. I hope that if that day does ever come I am able to have a clear mind and make a rational decision. Because as I’m sure you know Love makes people do crazy things. I’m worried that if she reaches out I will be blinded by the love I have for her. I tell myself everyday that I deserve better because I know that I do. Nobody deserves to be treated how I’ve been treated. If she truly loved me like I loved her she would not have done everything that has led up to this point. I know I have my flaws there is no denying that. But I would have worked on this with her. She has shown me her true colors and this post has outlined them perfectly. As much as losing someone you love hurts and, it hurts more then anything, I know that I deserve better. I hope that someday I can find the right person for me and can completely let go of my ex. Until then I will read this post everyday if I have to so I stay strong in NC.
Bless you my brother for sharing this. Your story is medicine for my own story. I admire your courage and feel the same way in my own shoes. Let the strength of your love return to loving your own self and your courage, and let the universe have its time to reinforce this building block of life experience strength and evolved love will return to you. Broken hearts are said to be metaphors for feelings that are complicated, but that pain is very real and tangible and emotionally one of the hardest things we have yet to remedy as humans. Thank you
This is my exact situation, i haven’t certified that it was someone else being lined up right away but every sign points to it. She started filming on a TV show again and was away 5 days a qeek and we had got engaged in November and she had a fear of commitment and PTSD from an event she went through so she found any excuse to run and attacked a behavior i exhibited since day 1 that she got engaged to but suddenly it was a problem. She couldn’t get out of the relationship fast enough and made me feel like it was all me even though in the 7 weeks we were on “break” I did nothing but address the problem and helped her car shopping and negotiating, got her kid a mountain bike, her a camera for ghost hunting, made her parent’s dinner, but still thrown away
My ex, had our ups and downs and I just wanted to show her how to self love. She obviously didn’t and she always seemed to liked she wanted attention from everyone while in a relationship with me and I told her how I felt. Unfortunately it backed fired for me because I guess to her I was judging her. I also didn’t like that dudes would always flirt with her and she would always flirt back by feeding there ego by always talking to them. She never dismissed any guy. She ended leaving me, because I hurt her by judging her by telling her how I felt. 2 weeks after she left me she said she loved me and has to move on and she needed time and then she told me she’s seeing someone and sleeping with someone. 3 weeks after we broke up one of the trainers that always would hit on her ended up walking in the gym with her and now they are dating. We literally were trying to have kids and she wanted me to marry her and she moved on so quick. All I wanted for her is to see is that she didn’t need anyone’s approval but her own and she needed to love herself I tried to help her and show her how to self love and respect herself. I would send her motivational videos and quotes everyday after we broke up to brighten her day. I told her I loved her unconditionally. It sucks because I really love this girl, and I still want to make it work, but I know she’s not mentally mature enough to handle a relationship. She bounces from relationship to relationship. I just love her so much I would like to be with her and to help her through the hard times. Once she told me she started sleeping with someone I broke down and I haven’t talked to her since. It’s so hard, but I’m just giving myself time to heal.
Would anyone here take someone like that back?
If so would you do it with contingencies like foo Nd to therapy etc?
Man, this is so tough and so much weighs on your heart. Sadly, I can relate, and it sounds like your love is so deep but it is deep for her because you can see the goodness in HER even though on paper it seems like a hot mess. These are the toughest kinds. It is often said that men are foundational pillars because men will do almost anything to keep and maintain a relationship for those that they deeply love, it is an intrinsic component of maintaining a foundation.
You need to answer your own question in the last sentence by really shutting her out and quieting your mind and your heart to its deepest core and ask, “can I trust her?” …
The quiet voice inside will answer back very peacefully and simply, and then very shortly after your busy mind will try to create a million scenarios to complicate this simple question.
To love is one thing. To trust is another. Deep trust is the foundation for a relationship to grow long and strong, and trust is vitally fragile. I am a child of divorce so emotions are complicated by understanding multiple perspectives instead of just yours.
It’s not fair when a lover just blurts out “I love you but I’m leaving you and giving myself to someone else.” It is a psychological tactic and it confuses the mind and heart. Total love offers itself in full to the other one it loves. It serves, with devotion. Love pours into love not away from love. And trust IS part of the spectrum of love.
I love my ex deeply but I believe now that I cannot trust her. I’d almost rather trust someone instead of loving them so deeply, but that’s just not the case for how my heart was made to grow.
You sound like you have a heart of gold my bro, and even Neil Young is still searching for someone with that quality, so it is rare. I wish you
Your blog explains my situation as well. My wife and I separated in December. I found out through a mutual friend that she’s dating a guy that she used to talk to me about. It hurt pretty bad because I never noticed the signs while we were still together. She had already committed to him before our divorce was finalized. I no longer have contact with her. It’s just very disappointing that she had to resort to that.
Hi William.
It’s not your fault your wife went behind your back and monkey-branched into another relationship. Her cheating is a reflection of her moral values.
I suggest you take some time to yourself to heal from the damage she inflicted on you and think about what you want from your life partner.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and me just broke up about 3 weeks ago and he started a new relationship with someone else a week after our break up. Plus we live together until I move out and we have property together that we are dealing with. So no contact is not feasible and he wants to be friends. He hasn’t proven himself as being a friend as he is constantly with his new friends and girlfriend. To make matters worse shes younger then both of us, but still has the same medical issues I had that was such a bother to him in the relationship. It’s like a never ending cycle of knowing how happy he is with this person and I’m stuck in this house with no friends (recently moved to a new city before the relationship) and now COVID happening. I dont want to lose my friend but I dont see how this can work.
I have such a similar situation to what you described, Melissa. My ex-wife and I also separated about 4 weeks ago, just bought a beautiful house a few months ago that we both love, are selling our previous house, and I have very few friends. She joined a dating site just days after we separated, saying it was to distract herself, and now is seeing another woman… It’s extra tough because we do still love each other and want to always be friends. It’s just so painful to see the progression of her starting to date while I am still trying to do the hard work of improving myself while I have to watch it under the same roof. I hope your situation is a little better at this point. I keep hoping time will help. Having separate rooms and spending more time in my own space helps a great deal.
I can’t believe how familiar this article sounds. I’m living it right now. My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. But unfortunately before we were able to go our separate ways and start the healing process this Covid-19 stuff happened and we’ve been forced to remain living together until all this clears. She has begun talking to someone new. She is always on her phone with him and while she consistently tells me “I’m not dating anyone!” I know that as soon as we are free of this she’ll be with this new guy. I just think she’s not being honest with me or herself in that what she is doing right now IS a new relationship. Even if it’s just through text and calls at the moment. So that being said I have been in a tremendous amount of pain and all the usual depressing symptoms of being a dumpee. And just when I think I’m having a better more controlled day I accidentally witness a text come through on her phone from him. Or overhear her actually on the phone with him, laughing and flirting and being like she was when we were first talking. It hurts and I spiral into another period of intense panic and insecurity and anxiousness. My problem now (after reading a million articles, of which this one has been the most spot in) is that I know I need to just cut my ties before I witness too much or slowly affirm how shitty I am to her as she sees me and judged me everyday…but I can’t! We are stuck here together. I’m at a loss for what to do. I want her to do her rebound thing and eventually when that fizzles maybe just maybe start to realize I wasn’t so bad after all. But at this pace our awkward time together these days I’m afraid is only strengthening her decision to end things. What can I do when the ability to cut myself off from her life has been taken away from me but she’s still moving on right in front of me?
Oh my I’m totally in the same situation and it’s truly tough! After a long relationship we decided to end it and I realized shortly after he was seeing someone else directly after. 30years younger also. I find of feel bad for that girl too
The same pattern will return. I now he repeated the same with me from the woman he was with before.
It was rough now under corona to separate. We have a kid so I have to keep in touch for a veeery long time.
When I was going to sleep and I overheard him talking to his 25 year old that was just to much and I exploded. So much stress came out oops
I also don’t want my daughter to be with a 25 year old!!!
Ah puh I do a corona online therapy it’s nice to get some tools to work it all out.
Best of luck and I’m sure in a few months we be like what the *** was I so sad about we escaped a douch!
hi mate i am in the same position as you,i have been with my wife for more than 23 years and i am still deeply in love with her,about 3 years ago she hit midlife crisis, the grass is greener and she has been slipping away from each other ever since .
since she told me 7 months ago she wanted to end the relationship, i have tried everything to get her back , i treated her like a princess, i have backed off, i even went to stay with my family in another country for a month to give her some space but after being back a few months.i realised that it was tue and she really is done with me but just when i was making plans to move out, this virus hit and , like you i feel me being here is removing my chances of ever getting her back, because she is seeing me at my worst and not my best.
i try and be positive and think once i do no contact and work on myself we will be back together or i think once i am out of this toxic situation i will feel better.
try and keep your head down and take care of yourself.
i know how your feeling because i am going through the same, and i feel like crap.
If she started pursuing the new relationship right in front of you she is certainly trash and karma will definitely catch up to her at the least opportune time. See there is a thing called entropy and balance will always be achieved.
Hi, I have had the very same experience. After nearly 3 years, discussion of moving in and marriage my ex decided to end things. She had kids in her house that I had grown attached to and she pulled the rug right out from under me. She blamed me for everything, and ended it in a text message! She couldn’t even look at me.I didn’t handle it well and tried to get answers, to no avail. She just cast blame, taking no responsibility. I found out after a week of ending things she was with another person. I have since apologized for my texts and stopped contacting her,.I still have love for her but realize that searching for some kind of validation from her is useless. Thank You for the article, it really hit home and helped me to understand.
I was in a relationship for 3 years. I really loved her and I had our life together planned. She loved me too but due to some differences between us and especially religious differences and both of our families were against this relationship, we ended up breaking up. I couldn’t believe it and I always thought that we would get back together because of how much we loved and meant to each other. We kept talking every now and then after the break up and she always told me that she loved me and she will always love me and that she wanted me but it just couldn’t happen. All of those things gave me hope that we will get back. I was always ready to fight for her even if I fought the entire world. I was destroyed when she started dating a new person she met through a dating app only 4 months after our break up. I felt so much pain when I found out so I decided to block her on all social media because I couldn’t stop myself from creeping on her and I thought that was better for me. She wasn’t happy with the break up so she decided to block my number. I felt bad about blocking her without talking to her so I sent her a letter explaining why I did what I did. She never responded. Shortly after her new relationship started, she posted a picture of them looking so happy. I creeped on her profile and that’s how I found out about it. I don’t know how she could move on so quickly only 4 months after. I still remember our days together and feel so much pain. I keep telling myself that I was worthless because she could move on so quickly after everything we’ve been through.
Me and my ex had been together off and on for 11 months I loved him so much and i still do today. He recently came up with an excuse and said “i don’t want a relationship it’s too stressful” so i let him be i thought we were still goin to be cool cause we were kinda hanging out. Less than a week after our break up i found out that he already had found someone. i’m heart broken because i cared and loved for him more than i do for myself. I thought he actually loved and cared about me. Seeing him acting different and with another person made me question was he really in love with me and cared for me or was everything just lies. i’m currently stressing and wanting to know how could you do this to me after everything i did for him. i feel alone and hopeless and i can’t even over him.
I am very curious, because I am in a very similar situation. Why shouldn’t you punish your ex? How would it make things worse? I am genuinely curious, not that I am trying to punish, but I would like to know. She said that she never ever wanted to be with me again, and was very blunt and rude now that she had a dude lined up (false bravado); also very out of character. Also, social media is flooded with subtweets just attacking me and my character. I know I was not perfect, but I don’t think I deserved this.
Hi Cris.
If you react emotionally, you will probably start a battle you can’t win.
So instead of taking your ex head on, choose a more mature approach and be the bigger person.
You may not feel like this is the right thing to do, but it definitely is.
I hope that you see it soon.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey zan,
I made a really bad mistake. I recently just did the same thing and I’ve found out a lot about myself after reading this. I was dating a junior as a freshman and he always acted like I didn’t exist when other people were around. And he was a good boyfriend when we were alone but he was embarrassed of me when other could see us because of the 3 year distance. This resulted in me losing feelings pretty quickly and I soon started talking to a sophomore who was really nice. I then started liking him because he treated me like a person that he wanted to be around and I knew because of my feelings towards him I could still date the junior. So even though I never panned to do this I broke up with him. And basically the same day I asked the sophomore if he liked me and he said yes. We began dating and I still feel terrible guilt about it because he just found out and he’s really mad at me over it. I Don’t know if what I did was okay or not.
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for writing this article. I find comfort and courage reading it. Your article describes exactly how my recent breakup ended. After dating my ex for four years, he developed GIGS and cheated on me with another woman. Now they are seeing each other regularly. The woman thought they are exclusive because I am out of the picture, but during the breakup I found out that my ex is seeing at least three other women.
I am practicing the indefinite no contact rule right now. But yesterday a mutual friend screenshot my ex’s instagram story showing a Christmas tree that my ex and that woman decorated together. It was very out of his character because during the years that we were together, he never wanted to do anything festive or celebratory. I know that he is in the honeymoon phase, and I know that their relationship is not going to last because of his inability to commit to anyone who has any flaws. Oh but it is so hard seeing this. In any case, I have been focusing on improving myself and will continue to do so. Time will indeed run its course.
One thing that shocked me to my core is that I feel that I barely know this person. Even after four years, living together for two, seeing each other every day, and he could just lie to me every day for more than three months. I trusted him so much and believed the excuses that he gave about problems at work making him anxious and cold, but little did I know that it was me that he felt repulsive. I couldn’t help but wonder what is it about me that fell for a guy like that? Even now, the fact that I know he is also lying to that other woman on a daily basis makes me very uncomfortable. But there is nothing I could do, other than leaving all this behind and move on with my life.
It was just a very weird and strong experience, and I am so glad that I found your blog. Your articles are like a pillar for me to stay calm and rational. Thank you so much for sharing and maintaining this blog. And thank you for having this comment section that I can talk to you about my experiences.
Eve
I am so glad I found this article. This is exactly what just happened to me and I’ve been blaming myself/comparing myself to the dude as he is almost a replica of me. This opened ny eyes.
Thank you. Really thank you so much.
Hi Andy.
Stay strong and don’t compare yourself to him.
You’ve got to get your self-esteem back.
Kind regards,
Zan
This happened to me too, exactly as laid out in this article. Ex met someone whilst we were on a break, we got back together and she broke up with him (we even got engaged),. but she stayed in touch with this other person and continued to receive his validation and ‘excitement’. She then sent me a text message saying ‘it’s not you it’s me’ and never spoke to me again. So i can only assume she decided to get back with him after all. But it’ll fail as he’s both a monkeybranch and a rebound. But she has proved who she is by how she treated me. 2 months NC now and going through the hate phase!
Hi Gerard.
You know your worth so I strongly suggest you heal from this mess and eventually find someone who will treat you better. And when you do, don’t go back to your ex if she returns.
Best regards,
Zan
This is EXACTLY what happened with my ex, with whom I had a 5-year committed relationship. She moved to a different city for a job last year, and we had been doing a long distance relationship since. I had planned to find a job there, relocate and get married. But everything blew up several weeks ago in exactly the manner described in the blog – to the letter. She met someone there last year, and had been, I believe, monkeybranching and cultivating the new relationship for months. Not sure when that relationship went from emotional to physical, but it doesn’t matter. At the end, she treated me horribly – not even telling me the relationship was officially over (I found out second-hand from someone else she’d informed, who then texted me about it). I was astounded at how easily she seemed to forget/disregard the entirety of a close, deep, intimate, long-term relationship with me, when I’d done nothing wrong other than not being able to find a job in the new city. She paid lip service to ‘becoming more independent’ on her own and that our communication while apart had declined (which wasn’t true), but I don’t think any of that really mattered as much as the new relationship she had developed behind my back. It still hurts like hell to have been disregarded and thrown away like that, but I’m starting to see the value of discovering what kind of a person she really is. Thanks for another very enlightening blog!
Hi John.
Thank you for your comment.
You deserve much better than what she was able to offer you in the end.
I know it hurts to be dumped in this way, but it’s better that it happened now than later.
Eventually, you will find someone who will treasure you.
Stay strong, John!
Zan
This article is really helpfull for a dumpee! The rebound of my ex though looks succesful after 3 months, they act nice and open and suportive. The new one provides almost complementary values compared to myself. My biggest problem is that the only way to recover from the stress seems to lie in completely accepting the fact that she doesn’t care for me anymore.
Hi Peter.
Only time will tell whether they make it or break it.
That’s why I suggest you don’t look at their social media so that you can heal.
Thank you for your comment,
Zan
Me & my Ex broke up this July and i found her already dating someone else. I first tried to convince her to change her decision and when she didn’t want to come back, i lost all hope & i went no contact. and since then i have got several calls and texts from my ex. sometimes she says/blaming me “why did i do all this ?”, “do i miss her ?”, etc. etc. she even once said that she missed me. I guess she is in a rebound and that too a Long Distance rebound. I don’t know if she will come back or No. but will see what happens. and by the way i really loved your post and could totally relate to this. Thanks
Hi Justin.
Thank you for your kind words.
As things are right now, you may want to keep your ex at a distance.
Prioritize your healing and moving on so that you can be happy with just yourself again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow! I love this article. This is so true. This summed up everything that happened in the course of the breakup. Thank you so much. I always look forward to reading your articles. They are really helpful. God bless you.
Hi Jes.
I appreciate your kind words.
Thank you for reading!
Best regards,
Zan
I really love ur blog. Ive read all your posts. Somehow what you said in your articles hit straight to the point and i could relate it to my recent break up experience. It feels like i found people who understands what im going through. Thank u
Hi Syazzy.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m happy you like the content.
Best regards,
Zan