Updated on July 28, 2025
When your ex starts dating right away or almost right after the breakup, your ex’s decision to date says a lot about his or her respect for you. It reveals that your ex doesn’t care much or at all about you and that your ex just wants someone new to desire and feel desired by. Your ex is okay with hurting your feelings, self-esteem, and hope for reconciliation as long as he or she gets attention from someone new, interesting, and validation-giving.
It doesn’t matter who it is. If the new person is attractive, it’s good enough for your ex to start dating right away.
Try not to take your ex’s decision to start seeing someone else personally. Your ex may have moved on quickly, but that’s because your ex moved on a long time ago. He or she had actually been planning the breakup for a very long time. Weeks, if not months, went by before your ex got tired of feeling doubtful, stressed, annoyed, and fully detached from you—and gathered the strength to end the relationship.
Negative thoughts and doubts triggered the grass is greener syndrome and made your ex accept that you weren’t his or her ideal partner. You were someone your ex was meant to be with only temporarily until he or she got bored and found something or someone more fulfilling or entertaining to be with.
Due to your ex’s poor relationship mindset and fixation on the things that weren’t working, the positive aspect of the relationship quickly lost its value. It became unimportant to your ex simply because it stopped making your ex happy. All your ex cared about were the negative things he or she considered to be dealbreakers. That’s why your ex adopted the belief that you weren’t a good romantic match and that it was okay to seek happiness elsewhere – with someone else.
Your ex decided to put himself or herself first and look for things you weren’t good at or couldn’t provide. This happened while you were still together – when the relationship was on its last legs. At that point, you still didn’t know that your ex was thinking about abandoning the relationship and dating someone else. You probably thought you were just going through a difficult time and that things would soon go back to normal.
Without your awareness, your ex had already emotionally checked out. He or she stopped investing in the relationship and waited for one final mistake, argument, or moment of doubt to push him or her over the edge and call it quits. Because your ex had no intention of trying harder and working things out, nothing you said or did could stop your ex from breaking up with you. It was too late to fix things, leaving you no choice but to accept the breakup and go your separate ways.
Mind you, that dumpers who start dating right away often or almost always have someone else lined up. They already feel connected with that person, find him attractive, and want to get to know him better. That means they emotionally or perhaps even physically cheated on their partners and found a replacement for them. Cheating makes it much easier for them to disconnect from their partners and start a new relationship right away.
It’s hard to imagine an ex developing a connection and starting to date just days after a breakup. When dumpers start dating that quickly, they do so because they already know their dating candidate on an intimate level and find him attractive. They know that he wants to be with them, too, and that they’ll feel validated and safe with him if they decide to leave.
Because they feel safe, validated, desired, and needed, they act on their temptation to connect even deeper and monkey-branch (leave one person for another). They cheat and initially avoid feeling super bad about it. In their mind, they’re convinced that their relationship wasn’t working, that their ex wasn’t right for them, and that they’re destined to be with their new dating candidate.
They justify monkey-branching to avoid feeling sad and guilty during the most fun stage of dating. Guilt tends to hit them months later when they commit to their new partner, stop feeling infatuated, and realize that their ex deserved more respect, explanations, and support than they gave him.
I’ve seen many dumpers start new relationships shortly after a breakup, so I know that most of those relationships began with some form of cheating. Whether it was emotional, physical, or both, they got closer than they should have, and as a result, fell out of love with their partner.
I repeat.
Dumpers didn’t magically find a new person a few days after the breakup. Most of them found him or her while still in a relationship. They hid the connection from their partner and left when the excitement of being with someone new outweighed the commitment, unhappiness, and predictability of their long-term partner.
So if your ex left you and started dating someone new right away, know that you’re most likely dealing with a cheater. Odds are, the new relationship began while you were still together, trying to fix things. Most people don’t move on that quickly unless there was already something going on behind the scenes. Another dating prospect destroys the will to search for solutions and tends to make a struggling relationship seem even worse than it actually is.
Oftentimes, it’s only a matter of time before a couple disconnects completely and gives someone new a try. They do it while they’re still together but unhappy because that’s when they want to feel wanted and validated the most.
When caught cheating, they tend to deny it. Denial allows them to avoid taking accountability and shift the focus away from their actions. It’s easier for them to lie than to face the guilt or judgment.
If your ex insists that he or she hasn’t gotten to know this person behind your back, it doesn’t mean it’s true. It could just mean that your ex wants to avoid conflict, protect his/her image, or avoid being reminded of what he or she did. Reminders trigger guilt and other negative feelings associated with cheating.
This article will explain why your ex’s new dating interest is no coincidence and how you should think of your ex if you want to recover from the breakup.
When your ex starts dating right away
By the time the breakup ensued, your ex had already detached.
Your ex was tired and unhappy and became open to new romantic opportunities that would distract him or her from the “awful” past. Your ex might have first considered dating his or her exes, people who confessed their feelings in the past—and even those who appeared to be a huge downgrade.
I don’t know what app your ex downloaded or who your ex talked to first, but it’s clear that it didn’t take long to form a connection. This didn’t happen because you weren’t good enough, but because your ex wanted to feel loved and important. Your ex was in a hurry to distance him/herself from you and get the benefits of a new relationship.
A new relationship feels fun and empowering, so your ex decided to pursue it. By doing so, he or she made your relationship seem unimportant and easy to forget.
Whatever you do, don’t think that your ex forgot about you. You may not be your ex’s top priority anymore, but you’re still in your ex’s mind. Your ex thinks about you when he or she is alone and has time to think.
Anyway, nowadays, it’s ridiculously easy to find someone to date.
Because of dating apps like Tinder and other easy ways to connect with people, your ex was able to quickly arrange a date and sweep his or her emotions and personal shortcomings under the rug. By getting romantically involved with someone new so quickly, your ex dodged every valuable lesson he or she was supposed to learn from the breakup.
Rather than learning more about relationships and breakup emotions and improving his or her shortcomings, your ex just followed his or her instincts. This means your ex chose to run away from problems and put the blame on you.
Your ex didn’t want to be held accountable and decided to try his or her luck with someone new and different. Different doesn’t necessarily mean better. It often means swapping one set of problems for another.
You need to understand that if your ex hadn’t felt victimized, your ex would likely still be with you. Your ex wouldn’t need to date other people because your ex would understand that relationships require work and that he or she has things to work on as well.
Since your ex didn’t understand this, your ex either cheated on you and left or met someone new right away. The former sounds much more plausible, considering that your ex felt emotionally ready to date and invested emotions so quickly.
Dumpers may not need to detach from their ex after the breakup, but they do need some time to process negative breakup emotions. If they don’t need to process them, it often implies they processed them already, after they’ve formed a bond with someone else.
There are all kinds of dumpers. There are dumpers who avoid dating for a while, dumpers who cheat and hide their partner from others due to the fear of judgment, dumpers who cheat and shamelessly flaunt their new partner, and dumpers who meet someone new shortly after ending a relationship.
Whether your ex cheated and monkey-branched or found someone new by chance, he or she was ready for a new connection due to the disconnection from you.
Your ex likely knew and liked this person while you were still together. It’s hard to prove it, but that’s usually the case when dumpers start dating right away. They continue the connection from before rather than forming a new one.
Dumpers are selfish
Since your ex felt smothered and unhappy, your ex associated a lot of unhealthy emotions with you. Your ex was convinced that you were the cause of his or her difficult and unhealthy emotions, even though it was your ex’s own distorted perceptions and feelings that damaged the relationship. I’m not saying you were perfect, but you shouldn’t blame yourself for your ex’s negative feelings and perceptions. Your ex was responsible for maintaining his or her opinion of you and love for you. If your ex stopped maintaining his or her thoughts and feelings, that had nothing to do with you.
It had everything to do with your ex’s ability to handle negativity and resolve it before it spiraled out of control.
Your ex needed to understand that every person is responsible for his or her thoughts and emotions. Others may affect how they think and feel, but as long as the relationship is healthy, focusing on the negative aspect of the relationship is unhealthy—and that’s on them.
They can’t blame their ex for their own mistakes and flaws.
So bear in mind that your ex may not have been very self-aware of what was going on inside him/her. Your ex was likely just reacting to all kinds of emotions and eventually got overwhelmed by them.
This often happens when a person lacks the skills and willpower to express negative emotions and solve problems maturely – by talking about them, rather than handling them instinctually.
Now that your ex is dating someone else, you can expect your ex to look much happier and relationship-focused. Your ex could do things he or she didn’t want to in the relationship with you and make you feel worthless. If your ex thinks, talks, and acts differently, remember that your ex didn’t change into a different/better person. Your ex is just using the lessons from your relationship and trying to impress the new person.
Eventually, your ex will stop pretending to be someone he/she isn’t and face the same problems.
Different person, same story
When your ex starts dating someone else right away, your ex ignores the lessons he or she is supposed to learn from the relationship.
We’re not talking just about realizing what your ex could have done differently. We’re also talking about improving relationship skills, self-control, self-awareness, willpower, and gratitude.
That doesn’t change on its own. It requires a lot of time and effort.
Self-improvement comes in many stages. It starts with the realization that a person has things to work on, followed by motivation or desperation to change those things. Once a person feels motivated, he or she must work hard and long to become a better version of him/herself.
It’d be unreasonable to expect your ex to change without a desire to change. Your ex can’t change on his or her own. It’s impossible because there is no such thing as random growth.
Simply realizing what he or she did wrong won’t improve your ex’s behavior, and neither will jumping straight into another relationship. Certain problems might be avoided, but aside from that, the same old thinking and behavioral patterns will remain.
They’ll recur when your ex stops feeling infatuated with the new person and stops pretending to be someone he or she is not.
So if you’re afraid that your ex will have a much better relationship with the new person, rest assured that he or she won’t. Changing romantic partners won’t make a big difference because your ex will think, feel, and act exactly as before. When things get tough, your ex will attempt to resolve the problem in ways he or she resolved it with you.
Couples argue, bicker, and face various disagreements because they lack maturity, impulse control, and various relationship skills. They don’t change a zilch if they blame their ex for everything and don’t want to make the effort to change.
You see, people don’t automatically improve their flaws when they start dating someone new. They may be on their best behavior, but that’s temporary. When the relationship progresses and gets out of the infatuation phase (the period filled with excitement and validation), they revert to their old selves and follow the same patterns.
If their patterns are unhealthy or relationship-damaging, their new relationship isn’t any better than the previous one. It’s about the same because they did nothing to grow within.
The sad truth is that most dumpees don’t grow after the breakup. They’re too busy pinning the blame on their ex and chasing external validation. They change only when they’re put in a difficult situation and have no choice but to change.
In other words, they change when their happiness depends on it.
Why did my ex start dating right away?
When your ex starts dating right away, your ex does that because your ex is over you and wants to get to know another person as soon as possible. Your ex knows that another person might offer the love and fulfilment he or she had been craving for a long time.
The thought of feeling good and receiving various relationship perks excites your ex and makes your ex want to start a new relationship. Whether your ex wants romance or sex alone, a new person can give it to him or her. It’s all new and exciting to your ex, so your ex tries to get the most out of it.
This, of course, doesn’t have anything to do with how attractive you are and what you were like as a romantic partner. Even though your self-esteem is trying to make you doubt your worth, your value is not the issue. It’s your ex’s desire to be fulfilled.
Remember that your ex dating someone new right away shows that your ex is in a hurry to date and that your ex is unwilling to be alone. Your ex might be scared of being single without even realizing it. That, or your ex simple found someone new to connect with and felt validated by him or her. Validation can be hard to resist, especially for someone with low self-esteem, a lack of commitment to his or her partner, or low empathy. Someone like that is likely to justify the branching by downplaying his or her immoral actions.
Your ex needs to be in a relationship because relationships boost his or her ego and self-esteem and give your ex a new source of entertainment and excitement.
As long as your ex receives validation, support, and various relationship benefits, your ex will be more than satisfied in a relationship with this person. He or she will appear happy and might even make you feel jealous.
But when your ex encounters problems and/or gets dumped, your ex will once again need someone to rely on. That person could be you or someone he or she was close to before. When things go wrong, your ex will likely repeat the same cycle of seeking out someone new to connect with while once again avoiding the need for self-reflection and personal growth.
People who start dating someone new right away tend to do that time after time. It’s not a one-time thing for them because their emotional needs and cravings stay the same. They change only when they understand the need to grow and willingly or forcibly work on themselves.
With that said, here’s a picture explaining why your ex started dating someone new right away.
Your ex lacks self-love
When your ex starts dating right away and skips introspection, he or she immediately sets himself or herself up for disappointment. That’s because your ex misses out on the breakup lessons that would allow him or her to improve as a person and a partner.
Dating another person so soon might make your ex feel accepted and loved, but that doesn’t increase his or her chances of success. Just because your ex found someone new to love and be loved by, it doesn’t mean that your ex will improve his or her mindset and behavior.
Sure, people mature a bit with age and time, but it’s honestly not that much. You probably know someone who, at the age of 50, still acts 20 or lacks self-control and other important life/relationship skills. That person hasn’t found an opportunity to reflect and grow yet because he or she has been living life by reacting to stressors and problems rather than responding to them and learning from them.
So keep in mind that real change doesn’t happen with age but rather when people:
- Want to improve.
- Or need to improve.
Those are the only two conditions for growth to occur. It’s sad that the second way motivates people more often and more strongly, but that’s because people get too comfortable. As long as they feel comfortable with who they are, they don’t feel the need to grow within. They point fingers at others and expect them to do the hard work.
For people to improve on their own, they usually need to encounter a desire to improve first. They need to go through some unpleasant experience that makes them self-aware and capable of changing without external pressures.
I’m telling you this so you know that it may still be too early for your ex to change willingly or forcibly. It’s much more likely that something unpleasant will have to happen to your ex first. Something that forces your ex to develop self-awareness and stop relying on other people for self-love and recognition.
Real change happens when a person reflects, realizes his or her mistakes, and commits to avoiding making them in the future.
If you’re hurt, remember that your ex wouldn’t find someone new so quickly if he or she truly loved him/herself. Your ex would have taken the time to reflect on the relationship and breakup and try to learn from his or her mistakes.
Your ex lacks validation
The reason why your ex started dating someone new so quickly most likely has something to do with the length of your relationship. If it’s been a long time since your ex last felt the excitement of falling in love, your ex may be chasing that feeling again.
Your ex wants to feel validated and empowered by the new person so that he or she can feel important and capable of handling life matters confidently and securely.
This new person can give your ex everything he or she desires from a partner. The relationship is so new it’s flawless, so there aren’t many or any issues or disagreements yet. It’s mainly just conversations about why they’re a good match for each other and how lucky they are to have found each other.
We could say that the new person is your ex’s savior. For a while, he or she will distract your ex and show your ex that relationships can be nice if they’re with the right partner.
In reality, though, all relationships have ups and downs. They have challenges, problems, occasional disagreements, and sometimes even temptations to give up or cheat. It’s how couples respond to these emotions that determines whether they’re ready for a serious romantic relationship or if they need more self-work.
If you ask me, all couples should take a bit of a break when their long-term relationship ends. Even if it’s a short-term relationship, they should still try to figure out what went wrong so they can improve the things they need to improve and have more successful relationships because of it. Those who rush tend to experience all kinds of problems. Dumpees usually struggle to connect with the new person, whereas dumpers dislike anything that even remotely reminds them of their ex. If the new person has a similar flaw, they often get stressed by it.
A few months of not dating can’t hurt. It allows people to reconnect with themselves, rebuild their confidence, and set healthier boundaries for future partners.
Your ex is used to being in relationships
Your ex could also start dating someone immediately after you to boost his or her ego and self-esteem. These two things could make your ex rely on another person for basic human needs, such as a sense of security and self-acceptance.
If that’s what your ex is doing, your ex needs a lot of care, reassurance, and affection. The more attention and admiration your ex receives, the stronger he or she feels about him/herself.
If your ex doesn’t get the attention he or she desires, it might cause problems in their new relationship. Jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior are just some of the problems they might face.
So bear in mind that an ex who needs another person to be happy within doesn’t feel content on his or her own. He or she needs constant validation to feel secure, fulfilled, confident, or brave enough to deal with the problems life throws at him or her.
The problem is that an insecure and demanding person like that requires someone with a lot of patience and understanding. An ordinary person likely won’t understand why your ex is constantly unhappy and asking for more. It will start to feel exhausting and imbalanced.
If you’re wondering why your ex started dating right away without taking the time to process the breakup, here’s an infographic that might help you understand things better.
Your ex avoided taking responsibility
It goes without saying that the breakup was inevitable. Something needed to change because you, your ex, or both weren’t as happy as you needed to be to make the relationship work. Or if you were happy, you needed to learn how to communicate better, get rid of doubts, improve your thinking and behavioral patterns, set some new goals, bond more, or express gratitude.
Something clearly wasn’t working, so you needed to come together to look for solutions as a couple. If that didn’t happen because your ex cheated on you and gave up out of nowhere, you can’t blame yourself. You must stop putting yourself down and acknowledge that your ex was just as responsible for maintaining the relationship as you.
The only difference between you and your ex is that your ex was the one who quit in the end. He or she gave up first and showed you how easy it was for him or her to find someone new. Today, finding a new person to date isn’t hard. Finding a compatible person, one you can grow with, on the other hand, is. If you find an emotionally compatible person, it doesn’t mean you’re good for each other.
You must find someone who deals with problems maturely and understands the importance of continuous growth. Someone open to changing and growing is much more likely to value you and stay with you when problems arise.
So even though your ex rushed into a new romantic relationship right away and made you feel unworthy of love, know that your ex’s decision to date so quickly has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive and have more work to do than your ex.
All it means is that your ex ignored the need to evolve post-breakup and that he or she plans to focus on dating and having fun. While you’re struggling to cope with the breakup and improving at record speed, your ex is prioritizing the present moment.
This means you’ll likely outgrow your ex by a mile and that your ex will have a lot of work to do in the future, possibly when the new relationship ends.
Don’t be angry with your ex for focusing entirely on the new person. Envy your ex for doing nothing to become the best version of him/herself. A time will come when he or she faces similar challenges and lacks the tools to deal with them.
That will be the karma you’ve probably been hoping for. You won’t have to take revenge or anything like that because your ex’s lack of motivation to improve will come back to bite him or her.
You probably won’t care when that happens because you’ll recover from the breakup and start to enjoy life again.
Your ex has a tough road ahead
When your ex starts seeing someone else immediately after the breakup, remember that your ex took old relationship skills and carried them into the new relationship. By doing so, your ex is bound to experience the same issues, feel the same emotions, and deal with them the same way. He or she gets the same results only with a different person.
At the moment, your ex probably isn’t thinking about that. Your ex still thinks that you’re responsible for the breakup and that someone new will make a perfect partner. For a while, that will probably be true. Your ex will be very excited to be in a romantic relationship with someone he or she started fresh with.
It will probably take your ex months to realize that the new relationship isn’t perfect and that it will require a lot of work, just like any other relationship.
This will force your ex to open his or her eyes and see things more clearly. If your ex doesn’t resent you or think you’re a bad person, your ex may even compare the new person to you and miss you. It depends on the quality of your ex’s new relationship and the relationship you had with your ex.
Don’t forget that on top of old issues, your ex will have new issues to deal with. His or her partner will have shortcomings that your ex didn’t anticipate, giving your ex no choice but to face them head-on.
Your ex monkey-branched without thinking it through
Since your ex felt emotionally drained from the miserable end of the previous relationship, your ex didn’t feel that he or she was rushing into another relationship. Your ex was over you, so your ex saw the new person as a solution to his or her unhappiness.
Your ex truly believed that this new person would make him or her feel as great as you once did – when you first started dating. That’s why your ex acted very quickly and decisively and hoped to once again feel the butterflies in the stomach created by the newness of a new romantic relationship.
Little did your ex know that the love phase is just a phase. It passes very quickly and leaves couples with nothing but their relationship skills and commitment to keep the relationship going.
If couples have these skills or if they’re mature enough to develop them while they’re together, they can keep the relationship going even after the love phase has ended.
But if they have very little motivation or lack the skills to maintain a relationship, they usually give up on it. They don’t have what it takes to overcome relationship issues and stay in love when they can no longer rely on butterflies for commitment.
So bear in mind that your ex is going through new relationship stages and will likely appear to be on top of the world for a while. Your ex will do that for two reasons.
- Because your ex will feel good.
- Because your ex will want to share his/her happiness with others.
When excitement wanes, your ex will turn into the same person that you used to know and start to experience all kinds of problems and stressors. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
My ex started dating someone else the next day
When your ex starts dating someone else the next day or literally the moment he or she breaks up with you, it’s highly likely that your ex had been seeing this person behind your back and cheated on you.
It may not have been physical cheating, but your ex probably communicated with other people while he or she was still in a relationship with you. We call this emotional cheating.
At first, it was just fun and games, as your ex didn’t deliberately intend to cheat. He or she just craved this person’s attention.
But as time went on, your ex slowly—little by little, got to know the new person and even developed feelings. That’s when your ex quickly lost feelings for you and left you to be with the new person.
Your ex monkey-branched straight to another person and made you wonder what you did wrong.
You have to remember that it wasn’t your fault and that many people develop emotional connections with someone else while they’re still with their partner.
Very few of them, however, immediately announce that they’re in a new relationship. They tend to wait a few months before they make it official on their social profiles. That’s how they avoid criticism from their ex as well as friends and family.
If your ex started dating someone else the very next day, there’s a 99% chance your ex cheated on you. People don’t find someone new to date overnight. When they do, it’s usually because they already had a crush and had been thinking about pursuing that person for a while.
If the person in question is someone you know, possibly someone your ex told you not to worry about, you can be certain your ex had feelings all along and that it was something to worry about.
Your ex won’t admit it, no matter what
Although your ex probably denied your accusations, there’s a decent chance that your ex cheated on you. People tend to leave relationships when they meet someone else or want to meet someone else. They don’t take the time to “fix themselves” or to “just focus on themselves and be single.”
Those are just excuses dumpers make to get their exes off their backs and do what they want.
So do keep in mind that there’s a big possibility that your ex at least emotionally cheated on you before ultimately deciding to leave you. The cheating may have increased your ex’s feelings for the new person and made it easier for your ex to devalue you.
After some thinking, your ex knew that he or she needed to make a choice. Your ex could either stay in a relationship that didn’t feel very exciting anymore or jump into a new relationship with someone who made him or her feel desired again.
It likely wasn’t easy to make a decision, but your ex had to do something to get out of the pickle he or she got himself or herself into. In the end, your ex ended up listening to his/her gut feelings rather than morals and chose the person he or she had stronger feelings for.
It’s disrespectful
When your ex starts dating right after the relationship, your ex treats you like you don’t exist. He or she completely disregards your feelings and everything you went through as a couple.
All that matters to your ex is his or her well-being and the new relationship.
If your ex cared about you and had sympathy for you, your ex wouldn’t have disrespected you like this. Your ex would have shown you that the relationship and your feelings mattered and that you deserve respect even now that you aren’t together.
But since your ex jumped straight from one relationship to another, it’s safe to say your ex doesn’t value you very much. What matters most to your ex is his or her own happiness and being left alone.
You need to do just that because someone who leaves you and starts dating someone else right away doesn’t love you, nor deserve you. He or she is not your friend and shouldn’t be either.
It’s up to you if you want to be friends with an ex who betrayed you and hurt your feelings, but it may be best not to seek friendship while the wounds are still fresh. Consider being friends once you’ve fully recovered and analysed the relationship and your options.
Self-prioritize
Since your ex took you for granted and left you to fend for yourself, you don’t have a choice but to deal with the breakup on your own. The easiest way for you to do that is to start following the indefinite no contact rule and stay in it for as long as you’re hurt and emotionally dependent on your ex for recognition.
The power of no contact will show your ex that you know your worth and that you won’t chase someone who broke up with you. You especially won’t do that now that your ex is dating someone else and appears to be having the time of his or her life.
Your ex doesn’t deserve to be chased. He or she lost that privilege by leaving, replacing, and hurting you.
It won’t be easy to stay away from your ex and move on because you’ll frequently compare yourself to your ex’s new partner. But despite that, you have to remember that you can’t reason with your ex and win him or her back by degrading yourself.
If you still want your ex back, you have to wait for your ex to come to you of his/her own accord. That’s the only way your ex will respect you and perhaps even contact you.
What to say to my ex who started dating someone else right away?
You don’t have to say anything to an ex who started dating someone else right away. There’s no need to do that because a strong reaction from you will show that you’re very hurt and disappointed with your ex—and that you still want to get back together.
Instead of talking to your ex, try to remain level-headed and tell your ex that you understand and accept the breakup. Say that you need some time for yourself and would appreciate it if he or she doesn’t reach out.
This will prove that you’re in control of your life and emotions and that you don’t feel inferior to your ex’s new dating partner. It’s best for everyone that you exude confidence and avoid blaming or guilt-tripping your ex.
You don’t want your ex to react strongly to your strong emotions.
You want him or her to see that you’ll be okay and that you’ll focus on moving on rather than moving back together with an ex. If you handle the breakup confidently and maturely, you’ll look as strong and attractive as you can and indirectly encourage your ex to contact you if things go south in his or her new relationship.
Your goal as a dumpee is to detach and get your happy self back. Don’t fixate on getting your ex back, especially an ex who is dating someone else. Whether your ex cheated or found a new person to date quickly, your ex’s actions show that he or she lacks feelings for you and needs to be left alone to experience life without you.
If things don’t go according to plan and hurt your ex, your ex could return to you when anxiety, pain, and regret force your ex to realize your worth and be with you.
Did your ex start dating right away? What did your ex tell you on the day of the breakup? Share your breakup story in the comments below.
And if you’d like to chat with us about your ex dating again, check out our breakup coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Me and my ex decided to take a break from each other in March, we were both extremely busy with school and hardly could make time for each other. On top of that my extremely toxic and controlling parents made our relationship very difficult for almost 2 years. We love each other very much and remained friends up and even considered getting back together once school was no longer an issue, I recently found out he began talking to a new girl about a week or so before we finalized our break. It hurts to think about everything he told me may have been a lie, and after I confronted him he still chose her. I’m very shocked at how fast he moved on.. it’s only been 1 week, but I feel like I lost my soulmate and best friend.. I hope I can get over the feeling of wanting him back when he clearly already made his choice
It is scary how actually this post mirrors my situation. I had been dating my ex girlfriend for over 4 years and have been living together for 3. We broke up about 2 months ago after she told she had cheated on me. I was crushed and pretty blindsided. After the initial shock wore off I realized that I wanted to work through this with her. I do truly love her and was willing to work on our relationship if she was. We spoke on and off for about a month but she said she needed time to be on her own. She said she knows what she did was wrong and that she needs to work on herself. As much as I wanted her back I know she was right. Then out of nowhere she said she did want to work on it with me. She was telling me how much she loved me still and was willing to do whatever it took to make us work. I was a little hesitant because I am obviously afraid of getting hurt like this again. When I told her my concerns she said we should take some time to process things. I agreed even though I know I love her I want to make the right decision. A few weeks later I went to her apartment to drop off some toys and a bone for the dog we had together (I wanted her to think about me). When I pulled up to the apartment the only thing that I saw in the window was another man sitting inside of the apartment. I was crushed. She wasn’t even home as it was the middle of the day and she was at work. I called her right away to ask her what was going on. She told me that it wasn’t serious they had gone on 2 dates and he needed a place that had wifi for work so she let him use the apartment. Now to me this is all a lie. First who doesn’t have WiFi? Second if you have only been on 2 dates with someone would you let them stay at your apartment when you aren’t there? I’m guessing she has been talking to this guy for a while and had him lined up the second she left me. He is most likely the guy she cheated on me with. She has told me that she was trying to fix her issues on her own and learn to be happy with herself (which she desperately needs to do). She said that she is still working on herself and is going to keep making changes. However as pointed out in this post that is scientifically impossible. You can’t work on yourself and be with someone else. She is taking the easy road of instant gratification and not fixing her actual issues. Issues that will happen again because this is not the first time she has cheated and then monkey branched in a relationship. She told me that she hasn’t been missing me at all and that she feels better now then when we were in our relationship. It didn’t make sense to me how she could tell me a few weeks ago that she loved me still and would do anything that it took to work on things. It does now… because she was lying. She was afraid of being alone and once the other guy was ready to commit to her she left for gold.
She has demonstrated every bad quality that is in this article. It is honestly scary how accurate this article depicts her including her past relationships that ended in a similar way. She needs constant attention and Gratification from someone. Instead of trying to work on our relationship together she started to look elsewhere for happiness and probably took the first person who would show her attention. This is a pattern for her not a new thing. I have also caught her in small lies regarding stories at work and other experience she has had. She seemed to always embellish as a way to impress people. Like I said basically everything this post says she embodies.
The toughest part about all of this is that I still love her. As time passes (it’s only been a few days of NC since I saw the guy at our apartment) I am realizing more and more that I should not ever want her back. I still find myself missing her and caring about her. I still think about her all the time. But I don’t know if I could ever fully commit to her at this point. She is not doing anything to change and fix her deep issues. Even though she says she is changing she is not. She is following the exact same pattern. I don’t think that she will be reaching out me trying to reconcile at least not any time soon. If she does it will probably be because her rebound relationship didn’t work out and she needs someone to give her attention. I hope that if that day does ever come I am able to have a clear mind and make a rational decision. Because as I’m sure you know Love makes people do crazy things. I’m worried that if she reaches out I will be blinded by the love I have for her. I tell myself everyday that I deserve better because I know that I do. Nobody deserves to be treated how I’ve been treated. If she truly loved me like I loved her she would not have done everything that has led up to this point. I know I have my flaws there is no denying that. But I would have worked on this with her. She has shown me her true colors and this post has outlined them perfectly. As much as losing someone you love hurts and, it hurts more then anything, I know that I deserve better. I hope that someday I can find the right person for me and can completely let go of my ex. Until then I will read this post everyday if I have to so I stay strong in NC.
Bless you my brother for sharing this. Your story is medicine for my own story. I admire your courage and feel the same way in my own shoes. Let the strength of your love return to loving your own self and your courage, and let the universe have its time to reinforce this building block of life experience strength and evolved love will return to you. Broken hearts are said to be metaphors for feelings that are complicated, but that pain is very real and tangible and emotionally one of the hardest things we have yet to remedy as humans. Thank you
This is my exact situation, i haven’t certified that it was someone else being lined up right away but every sign points to it. She started filming on a TV show again and was away 5 days a qeek and we had got engaged in November and she had a fear of commitment and PTSD from an event she went through so she found any excuse to run and attacked a behavior i exhibited since day 1 that she got engaged to but suddenly it was a problem. She couldn’t get out of the relationship fast enough and made me feel like it was all me even though in the 7 weeks we were on “break” I did nothing but address the problem and helped her car shopping and negotiating, got her kid a mountain bike, her a camera for ghost hunting, made her parent’s dinner, but still thrown away
My ex, had our ups and downs and I just wanted to show her how to self love. She obviously didn’t and she always seemed to liked she wanted attention from everyone while in a relationship with me and I told her how I felt. Unfortunately it backed fired for me because I guess to her I was judging her. I also didn’t like that dudes would always flirt with her and she would always flirt back by feeding there ego by always talking to them. She never dismissed any guy. She ended leaving me, because I hurt her by judging her by telling her how I felt. 2 weeks after she left me she said she loved me and has to move on and she needed time and then she told me she’s seeing someone and sleeping with someone. 3 weeks after we broke up one of the trainers that always would hit on her ended up walking in the gym with her and now they are dating. We literally were trying to have kids and she wanted me to marry her and she moved on so quick. All I wanted for her is to see is that she didn’t need anyone’s approval but her own and she needed to love herself I tried to help her and show her how to self love and respect herself. I would send her motivational videos and quotes everyday after we broke up to brighten her day. I told her I loved her unconditionally. It sucks because I really love this girl, and I still want to make it work, but I know she’s not mentally mature enough to handle a relationship. She bounces from relationship to relationship. I just love her so much I would like to be with her and to help her through the hard times. Once she told me she started sleeping with someone I broke down and I haven’t talked to her since. It’s so hard, but I’m just giving myself time to heal.
Would anyone here take someone like that back?
If so would you do it with contingencies like foo Nd to therapy etc?
Man, this is so tough and so much weighs on your heart. Sadly, I can relate, and it sounds like your love is so deep but it is deep for her because you can see the goodness in HER even though on paper it seems like a hot mess. These are the toughest kinds. It is often said that men are foundational pillars because men will do almost anything to keep and maintain a relationship for those that they deeply love, it is an intrinsic component of maintaining a foundation.
You need to answer your own question in the last sentence by really shutting her out and quieting your mind and your heart to its deepest core and ask, “can I trust her?” …
The quiet voice inside will answer back very peacefully and simply, and then very shortly after your busy mind will try to create a million scenarios to complicate this simple question.
To love is one thing. To trust is another. Deep trust is the foundation for a relationship to grow long and strong, and trust is vitally fragile. I am a child of divorce so emotions are complicated by understanding multiple perspectives instead of just yours.
It’s not fair when a lover just blurts out “I love you but I’m leaving you and giving myself to someone else.” It is a psychological tactic and it confuses the mind and heart. Total love offers itself in full to the other one it loves. It serves, with devotion. Love pours into love not away from love. And trust IS part of the spectrum of love.
I love my ex deeply but I believe now that I cannot trust her. I’d almost rather trust someone instead of loving them so deeply, but that’s just not the case for how my heart was made to grow.
You sound like you have a heart of gold my bro, and even Neil Young is still searching for someone with that quality, so it is rare. I wish you
Your blog explains my situation as well. My wife and I separated in December. I found out through a mutual friend that she’s dating a guy that she used to talk to me about. It hurt pretty bad because I never noticed the signs while we were still together. She had already committed to him before our divorce was finalized. I no longer have contact with her. It’s just very disappointing that she had to resort to that.
Hi William.
It’s not your fault your wife went behind your back and monkey-branched into another relationship. Her cheating is a reflection of her moral values.
I suggest you take some time to yourself to heal from the damage she inflicted on you and think about what you want from your life partner.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and me just broke up about 3 weeks ago and he started a new relationship with someone else a week after our break up. Plus we live together until I move out and we have property together that we are dealing with. So no contact is not feasible and he wants to be friends. He hasn’t proven himself as being a friend as he is constantly with his new friends and girlfriend. To make matters worse shes younger then both of us, but still has the same medical issues I had that was such a bother to him in the relationship. It’s like a never ending cycle of knowing how happy he is with this person and I’m stuck in this house with no friends (recently moved to a new city before the relationship) and now COVID happening. I dont want to lose my friend but I dont see how this can work.
I have such a similar situation to what you described, Melissa. My ex-wife and I also separated about 4 weeks ago, just bought a beautiful house a few months ago that we both love, are selling our previous house, and I have very few friends. She joined a dating site just days after we separated, saying it was to distract herself, and now is seeing another woman… It’s extra tough because we do still love each other and want to always be friends. It’s just so painful to see the progression of her starting to date while I am still trying to do the hard work of improving myself while I have to watch it under the same roof. I hope your situation is a little better at this point. I keep hoping time will help. Having separate rooms and spending more time in my own space helps a great deal.
I can’t believe how familiar this article sounds. I’m living it right now. My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. But unfortunately before we were able to go our separate ways and start the healing process this Covid-19 stuff happened and we’ve been forced to remain living together until all this clears. She has begun talking to someone new. She is always on her phone with him and while she consistently tells me “I’m not dating anyone!” I know that as soon as we are free of this she’ll be with this new guy. I just think she’s not being honest with me or herself in that what she is doing right now IS a new relationship. Even if it’s just through text and calls at the moment. So that being said I have been in a tremendous amount of pain and all the usual depressing symptoms of being a dumpee. And just when I think I’m having a better more controlled day I accidentally witness a text come through on her phone from him. Or overhear her actually on the phone with him, laughing and flirting and being like she was when we were first talking. It hurts and I spiral into another period of intense panic and insecurity and anxiousness. My problem now (after reading a million articles, of which this one has been the most spot in) is that I know I need to just cut my ties before I witness too much or slowly affirm how shitty I am to her as she sees me and judged me everyday…but I can’t! We are stuck here together. I’m at a loss for what to do. I want her to do her rebound thing and eventually when that fizzles maybe just maybe start to realize I wasn’t so bad after all. But at this pace our awkward time together these days I’m afraid is only strengthening her decision to end things. What can I do when the ability to cut myself off from her life has been taken away from me but she’s still moving on right in front of me?
Oh my I’m totally in the same situation and it’s truly tough! After a long relationship we decided to end it and I realized shortly after he was seeing someone else directly after. 30years younger also. I find of feel bad for that girl too
The same pattern will return. I now he repeated the same with me from the woman he was with before.
It was rough now under corona to separate. We have a kid so I have to keep in touch for a veeery long time.
When I was going to sleep and I overheard him talking to his 25 year old that was just to much and I exploded. So much stress came out oops
I also don’t want my daughter to be with a 25 year old!!!
Ah puh I do a corona online therapy it’s nice to get some tools to work it all out.
Best of luck and I’m sure in a few months we be like what the *** was I so sad about we escaped a douch!
hi mate i am in the same position as you,i have been with my wife for more than 23 years and i am still deeply in love with her,about 3 years ago she hit midlife crisis, the grass is greener and she has been slipping away from each other ever since .
since she told me 7 months ago she wanted to end the relationship, i have tried everything to get her back , i treated her like a princess, i have backed off, i even went to stay with my family in another country for a month to give her some space but after being back a few months.i realised that it was tue and she really is done with me but just when i was making plans to move out, this virus hit and , like you i feel me being here is removing my chances of ever getting her back, because she is seeing me at my worst and not my best.
i try and be positive and think once i do no contact and work on myself we will be back together or i think once i am out of this toxic situation i will feel better.
try and keep your head down and take care of yourself.
i know how your feeling because i am going through the same, and i feel like crap.
If she started pursuing the new relationship right in front of you she is certainly trash and karma will definitely catch up to her at the least opportune time. See there is a thing called entropy and balance will always be achieved.
Hi, I have had the very same experience. After nearly 3 years, discussion of moving in and marriage my ex decided to end things. She had kids in her house that I had grown attached to and she pulled the rug right out from under me. She blamed me for everything, and ended it in a text message! She couldn’t even look at me.I didn’t handle it well and tried to get answers, to no avail. She just cast blame, taking no responsibility. I found out after a week of ending things she was with another person. I have since apologized for my texts and stopped contacting her,.I still have love for her but realize that searching for some kind of validation from her is useless. Thank You for the article, it really hit home and helped me to understand.
I was in a relationship for 3 years. I really loved her and I had our life together planned. She loved me too but due to some differences between us and especially religious differences and both of our families were against this relationship, we ended up breaking up. I couldn’t believe it and I always thought that we would get back together because of how much we loved and meant to each other. We kept talking every now and then after the break up and she always told me that she loved me and she will always love me and that she wanted me but it just couldn’t happen. All of those things gave me hope that we will get back. I was always ready to fight for her even if I fought the entire world. I was destroyed when she started dating a new person she met through a dating app only 4 months after our break up. I felt so much pain when I found out so I decided to block her on all social media because I couldn’t stop myself from creeping on her and I thought that was better for me. She wasn’t happy with the break up so she decided to block my number. I felt bad about blocking her without talking to her so I sent her a letter explaining why I did what I did. She never responded. Shortly after her new relationship started, she posted a picture of them looking so happy. I creeped on her profile and that’s how I found out about it. I don’t know how she could move on so quickly only 4 months after. I still remember our days together and feel so much pain. I keep telling myself that I was worthless because she could move on so quickly after everything we’ve been through.
Me and my ex had been together off and on for 11 months I loved him so much and i still do today. He recently came up with an excuse and said “i don’t want a relationship it’s too stressful” so i let him be i thought we were still goin to be cool cause we were kinda hanging out. Less than a week after our break up i found out that he already had found someone. i’m heart broken because i cared and loved for him more than i do for myself. I thought he actually loved and cared about me. Seeing him acting different and with another person made me question was he really in love with me and cared for me or was everything just lies. i’m currently stressing and wanting to know how could you do this to me after everything i did for him. i feel alone and hopeless and i can’t even over him.
I am very curious, because I am in a very similar situation. Why shouldn’t you punish your ex? How would it make things worse? I am genuinely curious, not that I am trying to punish, but I would like to know. She said that she never ever wanted to be with me again, and was very blunt and rude now that she had a dude lined up (false bravado); also very out of character. Also, social media is flooded with subtweets just attacking me and my character. I know I was not perfect, but I don’t think I deserved this.
Hi Cris.
If you react emotionally, you will probably start a battle you can’t win.
So instead of taking your ex head on, choose a more mature approach and be the bigger person.
You may not feel like this is the right thing to do, but it definitely is.
I hope that you see it soon.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey zan,
I made a really bad mistake. I recently just did the same thing and I’ve found out a lot about myself after reading this. I was dating a junior as a freshman and he always acted like I didn’t exist when other people were around. And he was a good boyfriend when we were alone but he was embarrassed of me when other could see us because of the 3 year distance. This resulted in me losing feelings pretty quickly and I soon started talking to a sophomore who was really nice. I then started liking him because he treated me like a person that he wanted to be around and I knew because of my feelings towards him I could still date the junior. So even though I never panned to do this I broke up with him. And basically the same day I asked the sophomore if he liked me and he said yes. We began dating and I still feel terrible guilt about it because he just found out and he’s really mad at me over it. I Don’t know if what I did was okay or not.
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for writing this article. I find comfort and courage reading it. Your article describes exactly how my recent breakup ended. After dating my ex for four years, he developed GIGS and cheated on me with another woman. Now they are seeing each other regularly. The woman thought they are exclusive because I am out of the picture, but during the breakup I found out that my ex is seeing at least three other women.
I am practicing the indefinite no contact rule right now. But yesterday a mutual friend screenshot my ex’s instagram story showing a Christmas tree that my ex and that woman decorated together. It was very out of his character because during the years that we were together, he never wanted to do anything festive or celebratory. I know that he is in the honeymoon phase, and I know that their relationship is not going to last because of his inability to commit to anyone who has any flaws. Oh but it is so hard seeing this. In any case, I have been focusing on improving myself and will continue to do so. Time will indeed run its course.
One thing that shocked me to my core is that I feel that I barely know this person. Even after four years, living together for two, seeing each other every day, and he could just lie to me every day for more than three months. I trusted him so much and believed the excuses that he gave about problems at work making him anxious and cold, but little did I know that it was me that he felt repulsive. I couldn’t help but wonder what is it about me that fell for a guy like that? Even now, the fact that I know he is also lying to that other woman on a daily basis makes me very uncomfortable. But there is nothing I could do, other than leaving all this behind and move on with my life.
It was just a very weird and strong experience, and I am so glad that I found your blog. Your articles are like a pillar for me to stay calm and rational. Thank you so much for sharing and maintaining this blog. And thank you for having this comment section that I can talk to you about my experiences.
Eve
I am so glad I found this article. This is exactly what just happened to me and I’ve been blaming myself/comparing myself to the dude as he is almost a replica of me. This opened ny eyes.
Thank you. Really thank you so much.
Hi Andy.
Stay strong and don’t compare yourself to him.
You’ve got to get your self-esteem back.
Kind regards,
Zan
This happened to me too, exactly as laid out in this article. Ex met someone whilst we were on a break, we got back together and she broke up with him (we even got engaged),. but she stayed in touch with this other person and continued to receive his validation and ‘excitement’. She then sent me a text message saying ‘it’s not you it’s me’ and never spoke to me again. So i can only assume she decided to get back with him after all. But it’ll fail as he’s both a monkeybranch and a rebound. But she has proved who she is by how she treated me. 2 months NC now and going through the hate phase!
Hi Gerard.
You know your worth so I strongly suggest you heal from this mess and eventually find someone who will treat you better. And when you do, don’t go back to your ex if she returns.
Best regards,
Zan
This is EXACTLY what happened with my ex, with whom I had a 5-year committed relationship. She moved to a different city for a job last year, and we had been doing a long distance relationship since. I had planned to find a job there, relocate and get married. But everything blew up several weeks ago in exactly the manner described in the blog – to the letter. She met someone there last year, and had been, I believe, monkeybranching and cultivating the new relationship for months. Not sure when that relationship went from emotional to physical, but it doesn’t matter. At the end, she treated me horribly – not even telling me the relationship was officially over (I found out second-hand from someone else she’d informed, who then texted me about it). I was astounded at how easily she seemed to forget/disregard the entirety of a close, deep, intimate, long-term relationship with me, when I’d done nothing wrong other than not being able to find a job in the new city. She paid lip service to ‘becoming more independent’ on her own and that our communication while apart had declined (which wasn’t true), but I don’t think any of that really mattered as much as the new relationship she had developed behind my back. It still hurts like hell to have been disregarded and thrown away like that, but I’m starting to see the value of discovering what kind of a person she really is. Thanks for another very enlightening blog!
Hi John.
Thank you for your comment.
You deserve much better than what she was able to offer you in the end.
I know it hurts to be dumped in this way, but it’s better that it happened now than later.
Eventually, you will find someone who will treasure you.
Stay strong, John!
Zan
This article is really helpfull for a dumpee! The rebound of my ex though looks succesful after 3 months, they act nice and open and suportive. The new one provides almost complementary values compared to myself. My biggest problem is that the only way to recover from the stress seems to lie in completely accepting the fact that she doesn’t care for me anymore.
Hi Peter.
Only time will tell whether they make it or break it.
That’s why I suggest you don’t look at their social media so that you can heal.
Thank you for your comment,
Zan
Me & my Ex broke up this July and i found her already dating someone else. I first tried to convince her to change her decision and when she didn’t want to come back, i lost all hope & i went no contact. and since then i have got several calls and texts from my ex. sometimes she says/blaming me “why did i do all this ?”, “do i miss her ?”, etc. etc. she even once said that she missed me. I guess she is in a rebound and that too a Long Distance rebound. I don’t know if she will come back or No. but will see what happens. and by the way i really loved your post and could totally relate to this. Thanks
Hi Justin.
Thank you for your kind words.
As things are right now, you may want to keep your ex at a distance.
Prioritize your healing and moving on so that you can be happy with just yourself again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow! I love this article. This is so true. This summed up everything that happened in the course of the breakup. Thank you so much. I always look forward to reading your articles. They are really helpful. God bless you.
Hi Jes.
I appreciate your kind words.
Thank you for reading!
Best regards,
Zan
I really love ur blog. Ive read all your posts. Somehow what you said in your articles hit straight to the point and i could relate it to my recent break up experience. It feels like i found people who understands what im going through. Thank u
Hi Syazzy.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m happy you like the content.
Best regards,
Zan