If your ex moved on quickly and completely disregarded your relationship with him or her, your ex sent you an important message.
Your ex indirectly told you that he or she isn’t the most reliable partner for you and that you deserve way better than he or she can do.
This isn’t just some random cliché to motivate you when you’re struggling with the breakup.
It’s actually the most honest statement you deserve and absolutely need to hear as a dumpee.
When your ex moves on fast, your ex’s actions do all the talking for your ex. They essentially say that your ex had failed to stay loyal despite his or her promises and that your ex doesn’t respect you enough as a partner.
Your ex doesn’t respect you even if your ex is blaming himself or herself for the breakup—and feels guilty for hurting you.
That’s because guilt and respect, unfortunately, don’t go hand in hand. They are two completely different entities that don’t excuse the dumper from moving on quickly.
Moving on right away depicts a loss of attraction, emotional detachment, and most importantly—a lack of love, respect, and willingness to bond.
In simpler terms, it shows that your ex doesn’t see you as his or her partner anymore and that your ex wants you gone.
That’s why it might be in your best interest not to chase after your ex after he or she has given up on you.
If you chase, you will only continue to crave his or her attention and leave your wound open for longer than necessary.
So pull back, focus on yourself, and figure out what caused your ex to move on so quickly.
When your ex moves on quickly
To understand why your relationship fell apart, go back in time and rationally inspect your relationship.
Contemplate for a bit and discern whether there were too many conflicts, arguments, relationship killers, cheating, physical distance, or someone else in the picture.
If you can’t figure out what the reason behind your breakup is, that’s completely fine because you don’t necessarily need to know.
I can make the job much easier for you and tell you that your relationship fell apart because of something very relationship-damaging.
That something is doubt.
Doubt was the parasite that slowly, one day at a time—ate at your relationship and destroyed it from the inside out without your awareness.
It plagued your ex’s mind and eventually made your ex lose his or her attraction for you, and consequently—loyalty.
That’s when your ex no longer felt inclined to work on your relationship and merely tagged along for the sake of the relationship.
Your ex basically became your chaperone for a week or so until he or she decided it’s not making him or her happy.
Your ex is responsible too
Whatever caused your ex to doubt your relationship, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s doubt.
Even though you’re probably partially responsible for your ex’s lack of commitment, you need to remind yourself that it wasn’t entirely your fault.
Your ex chose to be in a relationship with you—which consequently made him or her responsible for his or her thoughts and emotions.
This included the feelings your ex:
- felt toward himself or herself
- and the feelings toward you.
As your partner, your ex needed to tell you what bothered him or her and find a solution that works for both of you.
But your ex didn’t.
He or she instead likely chose to bottle his or her emotions inside until doubt began to overtake his or her rational thinking—and eventually commitment.
That’s why we can say that it’s disrespectful to you when your ex moves on right away and leaves you stranded without a warning.
It’s disrespectful because your ex chose not to work through his or her internal issues and instead gave up on you.
Maybe your ex even blamed you for the breakup and now despises you as a result.
If that’s what happened, the truth is that you’re not a bad person for sticking around until the very end.
You actually deserve way more respect than your ex is willing to admit.
What does it mean when your ex moves on quickly?
When your ex moves on quickly, almost immediately, your ex is, in essence, refusing to learn a few important lessons.
Your ex is saying no to learning about himself or herself and is basically choosing to hold onto his or her underlying issues that caused the breakup.
He or she basically doesn’t find himself or herself responsible for the breakup which implies that your ex is going to continue making the same mistakes and problems in the future.
Since your ex didn’t self-analyze and soul-search, your ex’s behavioral patterns are going to stay exactly the same in his or her next relationship.
They are going to cause the same issues and conflicts—and once again make him or her doubt his or hew new partner.
That’s why you should never consider your ex lucky just because he or she didn’t have to suffer as you did.
You should instead pity your ex for moving on so quickly and failing to learn every single lesson that he or she absolutely needed to learn.
Here’s what it means when your ex moves on fast.
How to deal with your ex moving on?
If your ex appears to be moving on faster than lightning, try not to condemn your ex for moving on.
Don’t reach out to your ex and tell your ex what a horrible person he or she is.
Doing so will probably empower your ex and validate him or her, or perhaps overwhelm your ex with guilt and get you blocked.
So instead of embarrassing yourself, “thank your ex” for giving you an opportunity to find someone who can give you everything you need to feel content.
Practice forgiveness affirmations, and once you’ve realized that you deserve better, let go of hearing from your ex.
You’ll find peace in knowing that your ex was the one who really lost out on you—and not vice-versa.
He or she gave up on you and the relationship due to his or her bad relationship mentality. So do your best to see things from a different perspective even if your breakup is killing you right now.
Look at your destroyed relationship and your ex’s detachment as something that was meant to happen sooner or later.
Remind yourself that your relationship wasn’t working out and that as the cliche goes—your breakup happened for a reason.
Whether it was your ex cheating and monkey-branching or you doing something that pushed your ex to the point of the breakup doesn’t matter right now.
It’s all in the past.
What does matter, however, is you improving as a person and becoming the best version of yourself.
Do it for yourself so that you get to become a better person.
Focus on yourself when your ex moves on
In order for you to become the best you can be, you must extract the lessons you needed to learn from your ordeal and leave your past relationship in the past.
Remind yourself that it’s not worth losing your hair over and that your ex has already caused you enough long-term damage.
In doing so, you will slowly let go of hope and increase the pace you heal at.
As for your ex, he or she will not improve.
It’s impossible to change bad behavioral traits and habits without conscious, deliberate effort.
Most of the time, people take at least 21 days of intentional rewiring to permanently change.
So if you think that your ex will become a better person just by dumping you, you’re mistaken.
Your ex, just like you and any other human being needs a strong incentive to improve.
He or she has to either:
- want to improve to be better
- need to improve for someone else
There is, of course, also a slow way to improve just by maturing naturally with age. But that way could take years or decades for your ex to noticeably improve.
That’s why it’s probably not worth waiting for your ex. It’s just not worth your precious time and emotions.
So once again, when your ex moves on quickly and seems to be having the time of his or her life, your ex is missing out on correcting his or her mistakes.
Your ex is basically thinking that there’s no need to improve and that he or she would rather face the same relationship challenges in the future with someone else.
It’s not about who moves on first but about who improves the most!
When your ex moves on before you, don’t think that your ex has beaten you at the moving on game.
Your ex moving on with his or her life has nothing to do with how valuable or how great a person your ex is.
It usually has a lot to do with your ex’s dating options that he or she relies on for external validation.
I know a lot of dumpees or even dumpers get depressed when their ex starts dating someone else right away.
But the truth is that there’s really nothing to grieve over.
If your ex moved on before you, your ex merely chose to stop working on himself or herself and depended on someone else for happiness.
And as we’ve already mentioned before, your ex skipped the phases of self-improvement which (take my words seriously) matters more than any relationship ever will.
The people we become because of the difficulties we encounter are what push us above and beyond our capabilities.
The desperation radically empowers us and continues to better us for months and months.
So don’t worry about your ex moving on before you as you’re really worrying over something that you should be celebrating about.
Here’s an illustration demonstrating what happens when your ex moves on quickly VS you moving on months later.
Forget about your ex moving on first
When your ex moves on quickly way before you, your ex may think that he or she has won the post-breakup war.
But in reality, the pain that you’re feeling is the best gift your ex could ever give you—as it will help you turn into a person your ex never will.
Maybe you’ll even make personal-development into a permanent part of your every-day life and get so far ahead of your ex that your ex won’t even see your dust anymore.
That’s why other than the excruciating breakup pain you’re experiencing due to the separation anxiety, you really have nothing to regret.
Your breakup could actually be your blessing in disguise.
Did your ex move on faster than greased lightning? Are you still bothered that your ex got away without any pain? Comment below.
So my story starts early 2018, we dated years before then. Anyways, fast forward to 2018, I saw her and she now had 2kids instead of the one when we initially dated a few years prior to this.
It didn’t take that long before she moved in with me and my mother whom I have been caring for, along with her 5month old baby boy as the eldest resided with her dad. We were an awesome couple to be reckoned with. I learnt to to love these kids as my own. I obviously felt more drawn to the baby boy since he lived with us but not saying that I did not grow attached to his sister too. in the beginning my mom and her got along fantastically but that later changed. Anyways, got married at the end of 2020 just after COVID hit. In October of 2020 I had lost my job. With the devastating task of trying to get a job, we unfortunately had to sell our home as I still was unemployed. In mid 2021 we sold our home to rent another for a year in the hope of finding another job so that we could start to rebuild our lives again. We stayed in our rented home for 6 months which was January 2022 with argument after argument when she finally decided to move out. Since I still wasn’t working I couldn’t afford the place that we were renting then was forced to move in with family friends that I am so greatful for who have opened their door to me and threw me a life line. My wife at the time, felt that she could not afford to provide to aside from provide for her son she had living with her and me, so moving to her was not an option. I continued to show my support emotionally and mentally and assisted her where I could despite my unemployed status at the time. Fast forward to today, it was late July 2022, I had finally stared at a new job beginning of July, and I was in position financially to try and make up for the almost 2years prior to now of not being able to celebrate her birthday in a way in which she loved. I applied her, took her out the whole 9 yards in hope of her seeing that I am ready for us to start a fresh since when I was unemployed there was no room for us to work on us. Anyway, 9 days after her birthday, in an attempt to totally wreck my entire world I find out through mutual acquaintances that she has publicised that she is in relationship with someone new. We haven’t even gone through any legal proceedings. She has just moved on. I am now faced with the fact that I no longer have a marriage to want to work on, and those kids that have become such an intricate part of my life I no longer have access to seeing.
Hi Stacey-Lee.
Your ex had detached, so she’s ready to start a new relationship. Don’t look at who she’s with and what she does or you could get hurt by it. I don’t know if she’ll come back, but this is your chance to improve yourself emotionally and become the person you should have been while you were with her.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello everybody. Just kinda feels good to type this stuff out. Good incites. I 100% agree that the feelings post break up are a great gigantic mess, but by the time you walk out of it awhile you begin to realize that your ex isn’t the one poisoning your mind! You are! Sure going through the break up procedure there was potential for real action on both parties to make the required adjustment but that
didn’t happen. No need to keep bashing your own self worth around.
My story. 8 year relationship. Married. No kids. Our life was about adventure and exploration (looking back really this is what MY life is about) About 6 years into the relationship my ex really jumped ship from my activities and focused on herself. She was heavily involved with the gym and work. I was frustrated all the time that she was never available for our (MY) activities. This caused no end to arguments and all sorts of feelings from anger that she was never available to guilt over not being a supportive husband. Well that “doubt” he talks of had crept into my ex’s lovely little head and she just gave up. Counseling had no effect. She just kept running away from our issues and I kept turning her off be trying to drive the points into the ground! Perfect mess! The harder I tried the farther she moved away. Well the whole thing ended with me asking for the divorce which was all done with a great deal of respect for each other. Now 9 months down the road of healing she has found herself an amazing gym body and an amazing gym athlete boyfriend. Initially devastated by the fast move on (and I hadn’t found my adventure buddy) I was just jealous of her life. There she sits in that ivory tower and is enjoying the good life with a companion whilst I sit and reflect alone. Reading this article reminds me of the reasons why we divorced. No glue or willingness to rekindle. No communication.
No compromise. These are things your relationship needs, and if they aren’t willing to work on it the relationship is dead in the water.
So now its over! The ex is not out there trying to hurt you at least mine isn’t. We don’t talk- we are the past. The emotions I’m experiencing are all me. She is not causing me to feel guilty, sad, or regretful- I am. Why the hell would I still want to keep hurting myself after all the pain that I went through.
Let her live her life, and I’ll live mind. Hopefully I will brush up with a more compatible person who is willing to work on issues but my guess if I haven’t learned anything from the last relationship, that doubt will creep into the next one’s head and the same result will happen. I’m smarter than that to let that happen.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for this article. I related so much to it so much so i could not find other such articles on the website expressing my feeling. He just left me one day without an explanation. He didnt tell me what went wrong and just left. I had to figure out myself what I did wrong. It taught me that is very impt for both parties to communicate all their thoughts and resentment instead of bubbling up and exploding one day.
My ex left me twice in 8 years. The first time it was in the blink of an eye for another man. I was baffled how we went from loving eachother n having fun the day before with our kids. To the very next day she replaced all our Facebook photos with ones of her n him. I was shocked. I went to speak to her about what happened. She shrugged it off saying it was just experience. That he was more serious. That she felt bad for him because.his ex left him. I couldn’t make sense . She instantly replaced me. Had a picture of her n him on the night stand the next day. N the thing is she just meet him a week earlier. 6 months went by of me begging. Her cold bread crumbs. Their chaotic relationship. She came back n I took her back.
She hardly out put in effort to get back together. It was all me. I brushed her cheating under the rug. N two years went by with her being stuck up. Angry bitchy rude just treated me like shit.
Things went back to normal finally n then we had a baby. But after baby was born. She started treating me like shit again. Taking off drinking n not coming home. More anger n abuse.
Then she dumped me again in a chaotic manner. Found out she was telling to another guy named Dylan. I don’t know what happened but I’m guessing he caught on fast about what she was doing and probably threatened to expose her. A month after that she started dating another guy really fast. Bobby. She rushed the relationship full speed getting family photos n moving him in. Traveling with him.
I remember her telling me that she wanted what all her Instagram friends had. Photos n picture perfect life. N she said she couldn’t have that with me.
Now it’s been almost two years. They are still together. She also keeps her life a secret. N cut her family off. She’s also very rude and disrespectful to every one.
Thanks all , the post has great importance and am glad to have found it fast because my pain was driving me to options unimaginable turned imaginable .
I started getting attitude all of a sudden from a lady I once put my everything in , I started planning my future in her eyes , we looked perfect together and it was that way for almost a full year . Previously I was never interested in any relationship or commitment but after I met her the soft parts in me became my portion . And all of a sudden she started putting up moods , she eventually started using bad and hurtful language on me , I was so confused , such as “I’ve been trying to get rid of you for some time now ” . I blamed myself and felt less of a man.finanlly she asked me to leave her alone , I begged her not to and her to give me a reason, she chased me like a dog, I asked her for forgiveness for the wrongs I might have committed and that we can work things out and be better people ,I even desperately got my closest buddy to speak to her for me .My friend was so kind enough to give me his undivided opinion on the matter after accessing her and he thought she was clearing a path for someone .I was on a drip in hospital bed ridden because of depression from me loosing her and yet she didn’t flinch .I cried like a baby and I constantly had nightmares and extreme sweaty nights .She moved on without remorse so quickly . I started drinking myself up and doing things to make me numb .Deep down me even after all these horible things I still wanted her ,I still thought maybe it would all work out .but the more I attempted to contact her she even featured a different guy on her social media background something she never ever did .
I could go on forever to speak of the series of unfortunate events but am seriously glad I found this post .I could use a psychiatrist right now to get me through this and this post is a great start
Hi Zan,
Our “break” was initiated by her, March 1st 2020. To start at the beginning, she was recently divorced, but she wasn’t honest about her “separation” from her husband. She showed a lot of interest back in 2018. We became intimate late Sept 2018. That day, she calls me crying, telling me her husband left her!! I was dumb-founded, as she told me they were on the verge of divorce!! I got over it. But then I noticed some clingy behavior, calling me multiple times a day, every day. Wanted me to come over and spend nights with her. We didn’t go on a “real” date until January of 2019, as she didn’t want her ex to catch us in public. Things were kind of stressful, as she would want to drink during the day, and would cry and show extreme emotions over non-important things. A month into our dating, she projected insecurities onto me.
Come April 2019, I had to move out of my apartment due to lease ending, she begged me to move in with her. I told her it was too fast; she then blamed me for not caring about her… I moved in. Since I had already met her kids, she thought it was ok… it turned out to be stressful. Her kids didn’t respect me, as their dad would speak ill of me to them when they would stay with him. She was also mentioning how things I did “her ex wouldn’t do for her…” it later became “you sound just like my ex when you say that…” and then she would mention him more and more… what he was doing on social media, who he was dating, etc. (I know… red flag).
After a year of being together, after Christmas of 2020, we already had lots of arguments, she would initiate, over non-important things. Yelling and even to the point where she said she hated me.
February 14th, valentine’s Day, I noticed a new guy commenting on her posts. Not the typical “omg you’re so hot,” like her fans. (She’s a Model). But this one was very clever. And I suspected something was up.
Late Feb 2020, she decides “I don’t want a relationship… I want us to go out on dates, and you should move out.” So I did. I agreed to her “break.” She would still call me to come over. Would call me after work, before bed, text me “good morning handsome,” etc. but then, that started to slow down. Then it progressed to no calls. Would call me or text me every two days or twice a week. Said “stop blowing up my f***ing phone” when I would call once, or text twice to see how she was doing, casually. Would flip out on me a lot, and started to become insulting.
During March and April 2020 she would lead me on string me along. Would still tell me she loved me. Then came April 15th, she asked me to come over for dinner with her kids. We were so romantic. She said She missed me. She even made plans to get a house together. That Friday, I said I had to leave to pick up my two boys. I come back to get something I forgot, and I saw a huge bouquet of roses… she looked pale and I saw the guilt on her face. She was cold. The next day, no texts. The follow day Sunday, I texted “good morning beautiful…” nothing… That Tuesday, I felt a strange feeling, as she hasn’t posted anything on social media for two days. i then noticed she deleted all of our pictures from her account. I called her immediately, and she responds “what’s up” very dismissive tone. I asked “are you seeing someone else?” She was silent. I said “he’s there with you, isn’t he?” She said “why does it matter…?!” I told her she literally slept with me two days ago, and told me she loved me… and she denied it!!!
She then became hateful and disrespectful, when I tried to win her back… Didn’t win that battle. Two weeks later she’s going public about her new guys making her “sooo happy…” Her friends weren’t buying it. They told me she was making a mistake, as she didn’t save time to heal or fix her issues, to then reconcile, as she indicate she wanted to do back in Late February 2020.
After a week of being depressed and angry, I let it go. She’s gone public too fast, and now I just pity her lack of self-respect and respect for our relationship.
Your article was a very good read, and comforting, to say the least on that. Thank you for this, as I found out today, she posted a photo of them together on social media and it didn’t phase me.
I am moving forward properly to fix what I need to for myself, in case I decide to move on with someone else in the near future. I have plenty of options who want to date me, but I don’t lead them on, either. As I feel I need to improve on myself.
Hello just wanted to tell you that your story opened my eyes.I just recently got changed for another woman . My ex boyfriend and I were dating for the past 2 years to my knowledge as far as what we talked about and planned everything was going well I am divorced from 20plus year unfunctional marriage and I have 3 kids they are in their teens, but any how my ex boyfriend now was aware of everything from my past because I put it out there from the begjnning because I was scared to move on into a new relationship mind you I was 19 when I married and he was the only thing I knew about relationship per say not knowing he would never change and very manipulative. So back to my ex boyfriend, he knew he accepted things kept on getting serious between us even though we had some aggression from my ex husband and him putting my kids against my new relationship with all that I asked my now ex boyfriend if he was ok with the whole ordeal and if not we can just be friends and thats it I would understand time goes by we get to 1 year everything fine it come to 18 months he starts pushing to meet my family and kids in which I have been working with them due to the trauma my ex husband imposed in them to not accept him by then now covid kicks in and I start working from home and he insists it would be better to just be at my house I kept on telling him we are in no rush just let them come to acceptance at their own time he agrees he seemed pretty distant I didnt think of anything going wrong because I was under the impression we were growing into a strong relationship also for the sake of his kids aswell which are also teens so here comes june and he states to me he wanted me to meet his kids I agreed and told him ok I would still work on my kids he said ok so I meet them beautiful timid kids we had a good day but they wanted to be with dad and it was very understable from my side I gave them space not hovering over him after that weekend he then texted me not called not asked me to see me texted me he needed space for himself since him starting to take out the kids he just wanted to be more with them and also figure out the child support issue he had with his ex wife again very understandable and i said ofcourse im always here for you deal with what you have to deal with if you need me let me know thinking this was just a break and he just wanted time with his kids not knowing he had blocked me from social media he then texts me after a stating his phone was broken I took the opportunity to show him in a way that I was commited to him in any way and that I was starting to make bigger steps in which I put him in my phone plan since our future was looking good he accepts we go out to choose his phone I jokingly telL him at the phone store uh oh babe now with you being in my plan you are now stuck with me forever next step will come soon for our benefit if being together he says no no you are stuck with me you might want to leave me for someone else I told him right then and there I love you to the moon and back I trust you why dont you trust me he laughs and kisses me and tells me thank you babe i love you after that he stops calling me texting just completely disappears i text him he doesnt respond i start getting a funny feeling and i start tracking his phone log i notice a number on daily basis at night for a very long time and in the morning before he started work just like he would do to me then he turns off phone when henotices i track his phone . After a couple of days calls me from fb messaging and tell me he thinks he shouldnt be in a relationship at this time due to his kids and his ex and he need to fix that problem i confront him and ask him is there someone else stop lying to me he says kind of My heart sunk I asked him to be at his place to pick up my stuff and he said do you want your phone back i know u just got it for me i can still pay for it but if you want it ill give it back i was destroyed while waiting for him at his place i realize he unblocked from fb and i see him posting he is in a relationship with the other chic just that weekend i looked at her page and she had posted since the last 6 Months my heart sunk more he gets there he tells me there was no connection we didn’t do anything in 2 years and it just happened he didn’t want it to happen he tried and he didn’t want to hold a grudge against me i was betrayed i felt like someone drove over my body And crushed it i dont know how i controlled myself i took everything i had with him but i couldn’t take our bedroom set i got for us because were planning to move in in the future after that week j left him a letter in his car letting him know how bad he hurt me but he didn’t destroy me and i texted her the day after letting her know if she knew about me i didn’t and that we had just broken up after he put his relationship
Status on facebook she texted back a sad face and said thank you next day they both post they are engaged i broke but i took myself off of social
Media and everything that i would see anything about him he betrayed me cheated on me and oh i forgot to mentioned he kept on insisting it was not me its him i was a good person and he didn’t want this to happen and he wanted to keep me as a friend Im still hurting not because i lost a boyfriend but he showed his true colors of being a cheater and a liar he never showed me anything different he just kept on feeding me lies to use me 2 years cannot be erased but i know im strong and can get out of this but I’m human and still grieving but not for long i have been reading about this kind of behavior and he will end up looking for another one once he gets tired of looking what he needs to fix in himself oh well his loss just the betrayal is very hurtful when you open up and start trusting again after a long destructive marriage
Hey Zan,
Going through this right now. 3.5 years of a fantastic, happy relationship. My ex had emotionally detached herself awhile ago (we broke up Feb 11, 2020 and she checked out in Fall 2019). There was someone in the picture for weeks before we broke up, and she never communicated to me that this person was present. So in your terms, she had Promised the world and left (talked about moving in, marriage, kids names, etc.,) had GIGS and Monkey-Branched, (started dating the dude 10 days after our relationship ended. I had found out from a mutual friend). They’re still together as far as I know, but they’re definitely hiding their relationship on Social Media.
It’s helped me realize my shortcomings in the relationship, and I’ve been in NC since day two of the breakup. I had made a mistake and asked for clarity of the breakup and basically got lied to about everything. I know that she can’t handle guilt very well, she had always stated this in our relationship since the beginning.
I believe that the person that I am is extremely forgiving and I will always give someone a second chance. I know that time, NC, and self improvement are going to be my best friend. But I still hold on to hope that she will realize that I was very good to her. I know this is still a fresh wound for me, but am I wrong to think that I would give her another chance? Every person that I talk to says to never look back, but they never were in the relationship, and my family & friends think I’m the most perfect human being and incapable of making mistakes. I’m open to hearing any advice, any chance of reconciliation, or fixing this mess. Especially from an outside source and someone who specializes in these situations, I know I messed up (hung out w/ friends too much, got into a routine with her, and took her for granted, never thinking I could lose her. Well here I am. I lost her.
Basically, is a broken relationship cause by GIGS, Monkey Branching, and distrust all the things that come with it able to fixed?
Feel free to email me your response, I am looking forward to it, and can explain anything else in further detail.
PS: I’ve literally read almost all the blogs on breakups, so I’m pretty familiar with all terminology. Don’t hold back. I’m open to hearing anything.
Thanks,
JP
Man… I am in the exact same situation, I’ve been searching for an answer to this as well, we broke up back in March and I’ve never felt like shit, this girl as well as yours lied to me about having a secret affair(don’t know the exsct details but she went out with a dude like once or maybe twice) where she told me that this dude just started to treat her in a way that I wasn’t at the moment and she never talked to me to fix it cuz she thought I would get angry. She was a coward for relying on some random dude she met at work instead of me and she doesn’t have many friends so I am sure to say I was her best friend and she merely replaced me by now. What I do realize now is that the lack of trust that she gave up on me is hurting me the most, as I could’ve easily fixed if she talked to me about it, but knowing that this dude was still bugging her, saying things to her would’ve made the situation worse as she would be waiting for another mistake to finally dump me, I can only say that time will tell and if you find the foregiveness to give her a second chance if she really deserves it of course, I hope she comes back because she really loves you and not because you are a confort-zone. For now focus on getting a better version of yourself and try to improve on things that you might have slacked off a little and as I said time will tell if she is really for you or if you deserve someone better. Good luck
Hey you know what? What do you understand from what your read up, you supposed to capitalised what was written
I all advice you to be away fro your exes right now, just focusing on yourself
Every relationship can succeed or failed its depends of a lots of factory
Most important factor your exes behaviour, you know what I means
Stay at the back, seems like something was wrong with her I mean mentally, insecure, or…..
PTSD maybe…or dopamine is up make your exes acts or behave immature and emotional I mean as soon as she got the fact of all happening is not real she will regrets and come back talking to you again
If not she never got the lessons from life’s enoughs, she will regrets that she loosing you
One thing I have learnt from my experiences is not to be so nice. I hope everything works out and I think better to avoid these toxic people.
Hi Zan,
Thank you for all your posts on break ups, I must say they offer more insight and clarity than anything else I’ve read. This post about the ex moving on quickly has definitely helped me deal with my break up and helped me realise that its not always about who “moves on” first. Although it still hurts like hell and there is still plenty more healing to go.
My ex (9yr relationship) broke it off with me after using me basically as a safety blanket until he felt ready to let go (2months of “space” then officially broke up with me).
Then I find out that within 2 weeks of breaking up with me he was already in a new relationship and that he had moved on and that I should too (he messaged me to tell me this….) Now 6months post breakup and they have moved in together. Would love your insight.
Anyways, thanks again for the great work. You are making this an easier process for us dumpees (especially us left without any explanation)
Cheers,
Linda
Hey linda,
Dont feel like that I know its easier said than done I just got dumped but their actions say alot about them thry have issues within themselves unresolved mind you my ex boyfriend had already 3 broken relationships before me now he is on number i didnt judge him knowing he had previous marriages and broken relationship because everyone deserves a chance to redo their love life but how they do it by just jumping around and not commiting thats just immature and hurtful because their are good people like us that are willing to commit and be loyal without no judgement but oh well their loss
Thank you Zan, for this valious article.
I was in a relationship of two years. I loved her and I think she loved me too. Really. In the relationship it was always the topic that she needed more attention and details (some of the idea of “romantic love” like flowers, presents, time). But, appart of this, she had emotional problems that lead her in three times to think commite suicide. Once she broke me up, and after she looked for me again, we got back. Even she promised that would never think about commite suicide again, she did so. For this reason, I got so worried, and even she tried to keep giving love and attention to me I was blocked for one month, thinking in how to solve this situation. Finally, I asked her time to work on me and be better in the relation. I make her sure that I loved her so much and I didn´t want to lose her. She agreed and we started this period of time. After 4 months I came back to her (I was on therapy, working in the issues that was need to be better in the relationship) and now she told me that she thought that I finished the relationship and I would never come back to her. For that reason, she lived this period like “duel” and she started to date somebody else and didn´t want to stay with me (there were flowers in the table that was sent by the other person. Just in front on me). Finally, even she told me that she probably would think about it, she told me that “don´t wait for her” because it wasn´t fair. Meanwhile, in these christmas days, she is dating out with the other person. I think this was one soft way to tell me “forget me and leave me alone”
In that moment I felt my self to crumble in little pieces. It was terrible to know this. Now I started my period to get over. It has passed two weeks after the last talk. Even I have decided to leave her alone and free, I must say this has been complicated. I didn´t expect this in any way. I have feelings of guilty, sadness and treason.
I really appreciate your words and guidance in these topics. Your articles and messages are so useful in these times.
Best, Alejandro
Hi zan Tq Fr writing this post, I lost my ex due to my physical distance as there were busy schedules in our respective careers and she & I were friends and when she learnt of my feelings she went on to become cold ignore me for few weeks and I made a mistake of leaving Gn GM texts everyday & once my work schedule let me free I tried calling her & left her a text she couldn’t check her texts tht tym due to her work after one nyt she just blocked me on everything,i felt tht blocking tht midnyt & it was the most painful thing to undergo to make things worse i lost my sister in an accident a week later and my dad a month later it further devastated me, I tried reaching out to my ex who tht tym seem to b very happy with out me posting pics and she blocked me again and i tried reaching again on a festival she blocked me, I reached again it was the same thing and after 4blockings over all I felt i need to value myself and started to focus on myself and change my life and went on an heavy anxiety filled no contact and its been 3months after my last blocking I neither wished her on her bday,nor did anything tht can hurt me ,we both knew you tht we liked each other,to make things worse we both r from different religions and the environment around us doesn’t support tht,we both stood out Fr each other always it’s painful it ended this way, now I feel better slowly and slowly and whenever I post a simple happy post of mine in social media there’s an equal reactionby her in social media posting pics of parties,adventure treks posts etc as told by our mutual friends, I wanna know if I move on fully will i ever hear from her? What can I do apart from going no contact to make her contact me
Hi Zan
Thank you for writing this for people like me who is going through a painful breakup. And yes my ex moved on faster than I do. He was the one who brought all the things up but didn’t want to break up initially but also the one who moved on first and left me like nothing. The thought of him moving on first with someone else just kill me. Thinking how happy he is right now without me but someone new.
We were in LDR since we started dating and recently after he started working, he said he lost the feelings we once had which I believe is honeymoon period and he felt tired to travel. The person he is seeing now is someone from his place and it just makes me feel like he felt more convenient.
He knew I treated him really well and I know that too so it just makes me having hope that he may come back. But by holding such hopes just made me so hard to move on.
After reading what you said here, I am feeling more calm as you said even though he moves on faster but I self-improve faster than him. Even though I understand that but my emotions go on and off and when is off, the good memories of us just like a flash back into my brain and I just feel like contacting him even though I wouldn’t know what to say.
Please do give me some advice if possible. Thank you!
Hi Andrea.
If you find it difficult not to contact your ex, you need to remind yourself that:
– contacting him will push him away
– set you back emotionally by giving you false hope
– make you crave his attention again
– waste your health, time, and detachment
So whenever you feel the urge to contact your ex, ask yourself, “What is contacting him going to achieve?” Convince yourself that it’s not going to make him come running back and that contacting him is an emotional decision.
It’s not right to message/call him because you know he’d be contacting you if he wanted to talk to you. So don’t give him the privilege of knowing that you still desire him.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I agree that your posts are accurate and on the mark (psychically actually)!
Your Stages of the Dumper/Dumpee and GIGS reviews literally saved me in some very dark moments. During my post-breakup blue period (4+ months and counting), I instituted the indefinite contact rule after a month of reaching out to my ex a few times and even writing him a heartfelt handwritten letter. I do not regret the letter as it helped me find some degree of closure after he broke up with me and then completely ghosted me. We were together for four years. There was no betrayal between us, but there were some major life issues I was challenged with (health and custody matters) and I understand why the relationship started to fall apart. However, that 7 minute phone call, when I lost my best friend, the love of my life and the man I truly thought I would marry, devastated me. But, the ghosting afterward, the refusal to have one interaction or acknowledgment and perhaps even a simple text message reply from him, is still shocking to me. Not one word in 4 months. Nothing…
I miss him terribly, but I’m wondering about his true character given his post-breakup stone cold silence. (And yes, I read your blog on this too.) All in all, I still want him to call, to hear his voice, to connect. It’s so hard to let go.
What I have found most interesting is that up until now, I had never been dumped until the tender age of 48. I am a psychotherapist and a cancer survivor. I also went through a very ugly divorce and ongoing custody/alimony-withheld issues from being married to an alcoholic narcissist for 16 years. But….. this breakup is by far more painful then all of the above combined. And, those songs on the radio hit home in a way they never did before. Perhaps, it is a lesson the universe wanted me to learn.
Thank you for your exceptional content!! You have been a partner to me as I heal, providing theories and answers unfound in any other source (and I have an amazing network of friends and therapeutic professionals in the wings…)
Perhaps write a hope inspiring blog post next? I could really benefit from a booster shot these days…..
Best,
Renee
Hi Renee.
Thank you for commenting.
Some breakups are harder than others, but as you know, they can all be overcome. You just have to keep fighting and working on letting go.
You need to prioritize yourself no matter how much your ex wants you back.
Even if he doesn’t call or text, you have to keep moving forward. Your life is way too precious to hand it over to someone who doesn’t appreciate it.
It may not mean much, but I appreciate you, and so does every single person who calls, texts, and talks to you on a daily/weekly basis. Those are the people you have to stay close to as they are the ones who truly matter.
Stay strong,
Zan
Zan,
This post really lifted my spirits. I’m currently coping with a 3-year-relationship breakup, 5 dark months so far but with lots of self-discovery.
She broke up with me and 3 months later she was posting pics with a new guy, I was really confused since she reached out and told me she still wanted me to be part of her life (with this guy around).
Fortunately I declined and dodged that bullet. Pain is, indeed, fuel for self-growth. So far staying NC and working on myself. I started painting.
Kind regards, you are truly helping heart-broken people out there.
Cam.
Hi Cam.
Thank you for the comment.
This is the time you discover the meaning of your life and find passion again.
I know you can do it by staying in NC.
Best of luck,
Zan
This resonated SO meaningfully. THANK YOU Zan.
Also, you hit on a very important point which I have seen starkly demonstrated in Real Life: The need for some form of true discomfort in order to improve oneself.
As one of my “boomerang” Ex’s (dumped me, but circled back – in this case 4 Years after the fact!!) eventually admitted to me, It is profoundly true that a person often must experience Pain, Desperation, Loss, some form of True suffering before they decide to work on themselves — which in turn positively impacts their ability to have a loving relationship.
I had forgotten that I said this to him during one of our unhappy moments back then (2014), but he reminded me 4 years after the fact: Apparently I had said —
“It’s going to take something horribly painful for you to open your heart. You claim to Love me but you are emotionally stingy, judgmental and unforgiving. There will come a day when sickness, death, misfortune or Something wakes you up and I hope I know you then and get to see that kinder, wiser version of you!”
Now.. I have only a dim recollection of saying something like this but apparently he never forgot it.
Three years after he dumped me, I heard that he was suffering with cancer and alone in his struggle.
I am good at helping people with appointments, insurance, hospital stays, etc , so I reached out to him to offer my support. He was very moved and we both felt a sense of comfort seeing one another, albeit in difficult circumstances.
A year later he achieved remission and a full recovery (with frequent check-ups now to re-confirm of course). At that point he approached me to reunite and he mentioned what I had said.
. Strangely — even though I was single at the time, and the Me of 4 years prior would have Jumped at the chance for reunion — I surprised both of us by graciously declining.
I saw, with no hurt feelings about it, that we were in fact never going to be happy together. He had changed, but I was still an over-prioritized single mother and he was still a fussy lifelong bachelor who didn’t really want family life.
Ultimately, he found the right woman. They moved in together and he handles the relationship much differently than he did ours. They seek therapy when confronted with problems, he is more open about talking things through and not being defensive/cold.. It’s amazing to watch.
And, even though I am still struggling in the trenches of 50-something y/o single life (..sigh), I have peace about him, which is a great feeling.
Hi Ava.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Sometimes we can’t go back to our exes because we no longer feel romantically attracted to them, and other times, we simply outgrow them.
I suppose going forward is usually the best option, so I’m glad you’ve found your peace.😊
Best,
Zan
I have never before read so many books about psychology, self improvement nor communication before.
Never before have I looked so deep into my own behavior and soul.
Being with a BPD woman and another avoidant one after that truely pushed me over the edge.
I am in a place of no return. And here I have found peace and forgiveness.
When you get here… you really don’t care about your exes anymore. You become neutral.
Trust me (and Zane 😊) people. Every pain you feel after a breakup has nothing to do with your partner and has everything thing to do with your knowledge of yourself.
Keep reading and learning.
Thank you Zane for taking the time fir another great article 👍
Peace bro ❤️
Hi SCV-rush.
Thank you for your comment.
What you said is so very true. The pain we feel has nothing to do with our partner but rather our perception of ourselves.
I hope you don’t mind if I mention this in future posts. 😁
Thanks for reading!
Best regards,
Zan
Not at all… we al are in one big pile of love. Take what you need 😎
Thanks, SCV.
You’re awesome. 😉
Thank you so so much for all the work you put into all this, Zan.
These blog posts of yours are giving me so much clarity and solace during the probably darkest time of my life, I really can’t thank you enough for your eagerness to just help people in my place without trying to prey on their vulnerability with a devious quick money grab. There’s so much despicable “help” out there when it comes to break-ups, you’re really standing out as one of the few real beacons of light in all this, telling it straight and fair and making it clear that a dumpee like me has to understand this turning point in life as one of the few chances to really grow and develop beyond expectations. It really is a blessing in disguise after all.
Again, I deeply appreciate your effort and hope all the best things life has to offer are coming your way. Thank you!
Hi Pete.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I truly appreciate your kindness, so again, thank you very much. You’re a great person!
I’m glad you understand how valuable this post-breakup time is for you as a dumpee. It really is one of the few chances in life—if not the only opportunity for you to grow immensely.
So continue to invest in yourself during these darkest times and keep in mind that when the darkness vanishes, the only thing that will remain in its stead is the new glowing and improved you.
Kind regards,
Zan