When we talk about ignoring an ex after the breakup, we don’t mean that we should ignore an ex by refusing to acknowledge his or her presence. Ignoring an ex that way tends to have a negative effect on the dumper as it hurts the dumper’s ego and brings a bad reaction out of him or her.
More often than not, it causes the dumper to lose respect for the dumpee and allows him or her to move on with life.
That’s why ignoring your ex is powerful only when you do it the respectful way – by starting no contact and doing your best to move on. That is the only way to incite envy in your ex and make your ex wonder why you aren’t reaching out.
So forget about ignoring your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend with the intention to hurt your ex. Although ignoring might hurt your ex, it won’t hurt your ex in the way that you think.
Instead of showing your ex you’re doing well, it will show you’re resentful, hurt, and unhappy and make your ex want to talk to you even less.
By acting mean, all you’ll do is prove that you’re incapable of conversing like an adult and as a result, destroy any lingering doubts your ex has about breaking up with you.
Many dumpers initially have some doubts as to whether they’ve made the right decision. But when you ignore your ex (refuse to reply), those doubts will quickly disappear. They’ll go up in ablaze because your ex will see that you’re highly emotional and acting like a baby.
My intention isn’t to insult you if you ignored your ex. I just want you to realize that ignoring behavior won’t get you very far. It will probably create more issues for you in the long run because you’ll develop an understanding that ignoring exes or people who mistreat you is okay and that it yields positive results.
You need to know that dumpers fall out of love and don’t crave affection and validation. They have too much of it, which is why they can’t get desperate for attention when you ignore them. They can only get frustrated and angry and find your behavior unacceptable.
The only time you should consider ignoring an ex is after you’ve asked your ex to leave you alone multiple times after the breakup so that you could heal or when your ex poses a risk to you and your loved ones.
Today’s post is about ignoring your ex the right way – not by ignoring your ex at all, but by responding confidently in a way that shows you feel neutral about your ex.
That is the mature way to handle breadcrumbs whereas ignoring is manipulative and childish.
6 reasons why ignoring your ex is powerful
Ignoring your ex may be weak, but ignoring your ex with no contact is anything but.
It’s actually very powerful because it gives your ex exactly what he or she needs after the breakup. It gives your ex space and time and allows your ex to focus only on his or her wants and needs.
Independence is what your ex had been craving for weeks before the breakup. But because your ex didn’t want to give up on you too early, your ex prolonged the relationship and stayed unhappy.
If your ex talked to you about his or her feelings and sought professional help back then, your ex could have found a solution to the problem, repair the broken bond, and fall deeper in love with you.
But since your ex lacked the willpower to improve the relationship and focused on your negative points instead, your ex associated negative traits with your persona and decided to quit. He or she burned out emotionally, so imagine how thrilled your ex must be now that your ex can finally get a break from the person he or she thought poorly of for weeks.
Your ex must be relieved and happier than he or she has been in a long time. That’s why your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and talk about getting back together. Your ex is incapable of talking about the breakup or anything related to it because your ex has emotionally checked out a long time ago and just wants to be left alone.
Maybe your ex wants to be friends or maybe your ex doesn’t. It doesn’t really matter because the relationship has ended and love is gone.
If you don’t want to make things worse, ignoring your ex when he or she reaches out won’t make that love come back. On the contrary, it will keep it away as it will show you’re bitter and not worth returning to.
So what do you do when your ex reaches out?
You say you’re not ready to speak yet and that you’d like more time to focus on yourself. This will let your ex enjoy the space from the breakup and also let you heal and get your strength back. It’s a win-win for both of you.
Especially for you because you’ll:
- handle the reach out maturely
- show you’re not interested in being friends or conversely, enemies
- prove you’re strong and confident
- give your ex what he or she has asked for (lots of time to enjoy life without you)
- allow yourself to detach and feel better
- realize your flaws and improve them
- get a fresh perspective on the relationship and realize your ex’s flaws
- get over your ex
The reason why ignoring your ex by going no contact is powerful is that it can make your ex respect you and think more fondly of you.
Of, course, it won’t make your ex come running back (at least not right away), but it will make you more attractive than ignoring your ex’s efforts or begging your ex for another chance.
No contact will essentially help you keep your dignity and pride and let your ex process whatever he or she needs to process. One day, it could also allow your ex to let go of all the bottled-up negativity and make him or her crave your happiness, health, and fortune and come back to you.
So if you’re wondering why ignoring your ex is powerful, know that ignoring your ex the right way (by focusing on yourself) can let your ex enjoy the newfound freedom and stop your ex from thinking poorly of you. With a little bit of luck, it can also make your ex curious about you and cause him or her to reach out and ask to get back together.
To get back together in the future, therefore, you mustn’t ignore your ex or talk to your ex. All you must do is acknowledge your ex as a human being because that’s what strong people with moral values do.
Another reason why ignoring your ex by doing no contact is powerful is that it depicts strength, confidence, independence, and everything human beings find attractive.
It says that you’ve got your emotions under control and that you aren’t thinking about being with someone who left you. You’ve got more important things to do—and that’s what could pique your ex’s interest when he or she gets through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and gets into some kind of trouble.
Many dumpers contact their ex when something goes wrong on their end. That’s when they test the waters and/or indirectly ask for help.
With that said, below you can find 6 reasons why ignoring your ex is powerful if you do it the right way.
When does ignoring an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend work?
Sometimes ignoring an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend does work. But for it to work, the dumper must still have feelings and expectations of the dumpee. The dumper must want to get back together.
If the dumper doesn’t want anything from you, you can forget about making your ex want you back.
Your tricks just won’t hurt your ex (enough) (or the right way) to make your ex see your worth and want to be a part of your life.
For your ex to take the ignoring personally and come back crying, your ex needed to have faked the breakup (pretended to leave you to gain power over you) or be so immature and insecure that he or she wants you back just because you look happy.
In simpler terms, if your ex is faking the breakup, your ex will come running back to you faster than greased lightning. Your ex will be afraid of losing you (especially to someone else) and will therefore want you back very soon.
But if your ex gets his or her ego broken and comes back out of pain rather than love, then your ex likely won’t stay with you for long. He or she will stay only for as long as his or her ego is hurting.
Once your ex’s ego heals, your ex will leave once again and cause you pain.
So ask yourself this. Is it worth playing games with your ex? If your ex is pretending to be over you, wouldn’t it be easier to be mature about it and let your ex realize your worth on his or her own?
If you ask me, it’d be many times easier to let your ex miss you and come back to you when his or her separation anxiety builds up. Not only would your ex come back with minimum effort, but he or she would also discern your worth and capabilities the right way by seeing you focus on yourself and enjoy your life.
So if you want to know why ignoring your ex is powerful, keep in mind that it’s only powerful when it involves a powerless person. It can make your ex afraid of losing you.
But when your ex is happy with the breakup and in full control of his or her emotions, ignoring is the weakest and probably one of the most disgruntled things you can do.
Stay in no contact forever
If you want your ex to respect you, you’ll have to stay in no contact indefinitely. Not for 30, 60, or 90 days, but forever. Your ex needs time to get through all the negativity and figure out if he or she wants you back.
If you play silly games and try to rush your ex, you’ll be met with resistance and bring suffering upon yourself.
So don’t think that your ex will want you back simply by ignoring your ex. If it were that simple, you could just get revenge on your ex and watch your ex move mountains to make the pain stop and be with you.
I’ve mentioned this in dozens of articles before, but I’ll say it again.
Your ex will want you back when he or she gets hurt and realizes that leaving you was the worst decision of his or her life.
I can’t say if and when your ex will come to this conclusion, but if you follow the rules of no contact and avoid making as many post-breakup mistakes as you can, you should start feeling better and so should your ex. That’s when you’ll be in the most attractive state.
Keep in mind that it’s your good behavior that will make your ex respect you and envy you – not the bad one. Bad behavior such as ignoring, trash-talking, blocking, and trying to make your ex jealous is going to annoy your ex and reduce the chances of hearing from your ex in the future.
So if you still have feelings for your ex and are hoping for another chance, focus on building yourself up rather than putting your ex down. That way, you’ll grow from the breakup and might one day make your ex envious and nostalgic.
It could take a long time before your ex discerns your worth. Heck, it might never happen. But whatever you do, don’t think that ignoring your ex will trigger his or her “hidden feelings” and make your ex want you back.
You’ll have a much better chance at reattracting your ex if you learn why the breakup happened and become a better version of yourself.
Did you learn why ignoring your ex is powerful when you don’t actually ignore your ex but focus on yourself? Do you agree that ignoring an ex who left you won’t make him or her want to be with you? Let us know what you think in the comment section below.
And as always, if you’d like to talk to us about whether you should ignore your ex, click here to sign up for one-on-one coaching.
This….
“But since your ex lacked the willpower to improve the relationship and focused on your negative points instead, your ex associated negative traits with your persona and decided to quit. He or she burned out emotionally, so imagine how thrilled your ex must be now that your ex can finally get a break from the person he or she thought poorly of for weeks.”
….doesn’t make your ex a good person, it means they’re a douchecanoe who is incapable of having a mature, loving relationship. Why would anyone care what their ex goes through if they get ignored? That’s what they want! They’re another brick in the wall, so to speak. If they break up with you, DO NOT RESPOND. Not responding isn’t childish or immature. It’s taking care of YOURSELF, just like your ex is supposedly doing.
This post contradicts itself.
Hi Romi.
Ignoring people who mean no harm isn’t taking care of yourself and worthy of respect. Responding and telling them you don’t wish to communicate is. That way, you don’t just show you’re hurt and incapable of expressing yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend has recently broken up with me and we live together. I’ve temporarily moved to my mum’s but I’ll have to go back home soon to sort things out.
We were together for nearly seven years and a week after breaking up with me he was hooking up with someone else.
What would you advice me to do when I see him again in our apartment?
Thank you so much – your articles are truly helpful
Marta
Hi Marta.
Acknowledge him but don’t question him or talk about anything related to the relationship. Simply act like you’re over him. It’s highly likely your ex had cheated on you and left you for that person.
Stay strong, Marta!
Zan
Hey Zan,
I was engaged to my ex when she left me and she went back to her family in a different country. There has been contact (she initiated a lot of breadcrumbs after the breakup. I reached out a few times for stuff exchange) but at some point I decided to tell her to stop communication because it wasn’t healthy. She agreed but then 6 months later she send me a message asking if we can keep in touch in some way or another. I told her to maintain no contact unless its an emergency. I’m still not over her and grieving a bit. The breakup has been almost a year but it was a very long relationship. This outreach of her has kind of shaken me and confused me if I’m doing the right thing. She’s not asking for me back but she has mentioned she missed me and got nostalgic at times.
What am I doing.
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong and stay in no contact. In the end, it is the best thing for YOU!
Hi Spoopcat.
You’re doing the right thing. Keeping your ex away is helping you heal and making your ex miss some of the good times. This is good. You want her to remember the past and come back or leave you alone. It’s too soon to be friends.
Best,
Zan
My ex broke up with me recently because I was asking for us to see each other more, and he was stressed at the time. He was happy seeing each other one or two days a week for several years and I wanted the relationship to progress. I don’t know if he will try to come back or not, and it would have to be under very different circumstances if it were to happen. My question is: how and when would that happen now that I am politely in indefinite no contact? Perhaps you have another article that covers this, so I’ll keep looking.
Hi Kathy.
It looks like your ex didn’t want to spend more time with you. He was afraid of commitment, so he ran away when you began to crave more than him.
I don’t have an article for when no contact could finally change his mind about the breakup, but know that it can take a long time. You don’t want to keep waiting for a guy who isn’t on the same page with you. You want to detach so you can find your own happiness.
If he comes back, you must take power and control back and tell him what you expect from him. If he wasn’t ready for a more serious commitment after several years, something big will have to change in his life. And you’ll have to be there to guide him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
It took about a week. Five days after the break up I sent him his things back via Uber with a nice note. A few days later I got a message about all the plans he had for us (that he never mentioned before), including how he planned to propose, where we would live, and how he envisioned our life being. I suspect he thought our break up would go differently and that I would say “No, don’t go!” when he said he couldn’t make me happy and couldn’t devote more time to us. Instead I said “I love you and I’ll miss you.” He sent this message right before I left on a two week trip, so we plan to talk when I get back. I don’t know if he could really have an epiphany of the magnitude required in a week, and his message has an aggrieved tone, rather than one of repentance. I’m embarrassed to say that I blew it with your advice to play it cool and demand change. I was ridiculously happy to hear from him, so hopefully I can set a better tone when I get back.
Hi Kathy.
It’s not too late to change your tone and take your power back. Just don’t say “I love yous” because he doesn’t know what to do with them.
Be brave!
Zan
Hi Zan
I would really really appreciate your help.
I have read all of your great articles.
My girlfriend broke up with me very angry and said I don’t want you anymore and our relationship is over and a lot of hurtful things.
She blocked me on WhatsApp for several days. However, when I sent her a closure message Via iMessage to explain things from my side and I ended the message with goodbye to her and wished her a wonderful life, she unblocked me on WhatsApp after 24 hours of my last message.
2 questions in my head:
-Why did she unblocked me? She said before via WhatsApp: that friendship is the only thing I can offer you.
Also she said “ I care about you and I do love you” she was extremely angry and she said that as the last thing before I left her physically for the last time.
-Do I have to unblock her on WhatsApp in return or stay as I am?
Because I think if she wants to reach she can reach me via iMessage.
And if I unblock her she will feel powerful over me.
Really thank you for your time.
Update
She blocked me again after 2 days of being unblocked. 🙂
Is that mean anything?
Hi Amanda.
Just leave your ex blocked. Don’t make any sudden changes now. She probably unblocked you to check up on you. It means she’s been thinking about you. To you, this doesn’t mean anything important.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
Great post as per usual, my ex and i broke up in early september after almost 3 years together she dumped me, i got into abit of a rutt with depression, i have a history of going through depression phases and i never really notice it until someone points it out to me.
Unfortunately we moved 3hrs away from my family for more opportunities for both our careers and for her to be closer to her family. Up until the last few months of our relationship things we’re good we hardly fought or argueed and we had a great bond. She had never seen me in a depressive state so im not sure if she was equipped to delt with it in the end she became distant and as a result i became really insecure and codependant and seeking validation of her love until things just got to much. Aside from calling her the morning after we broke up i went no contact i got caught up in the whole breakup experts talk and broke this after 21 days. Although there was no conflict and we met up a week later i gathered it was far to early for the both of us yes we had fun together both laughing and talking about what we had been upto since, but we ended up discussing the breakup which didnt do any of us any good and after the meetup i started indefinite no contact and have been in ever since.
In the time since we broke up ive seen a therapist. My depression is under control/sorted. Ive picked up new hobbies to build a life outside of the relationship if theres one still left, and lost 25kgs in the mean time which has completely changed my life, i now fear she has got GISG and is talking to and meeting new people, i understand we arent together so she is free to do this offcourse, although these people are the complete opposite to me, im career focused and shes turned to partying and hanging out with people who like drugs etc something ive never been interested in.
Im moving on and talking to new people but apart of me is holding on to her coming back, i slept with someone last weekend and for most of the week was overwhelmed with a sense of guilt like i had cheated or something.
Is there any advice you can offer ? Apologies for the long comment i greatly appreciate you time taken to read this.
Hi Dylan. Your situation and mine are very similar. Would you be able to share your email so I can contact you? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.
Hi Dylan.
No need to feel guilty about sleeping with other women. But since you’re still struggling or prone to suffering from setbacks, you shouldn’t get too involved with other women. You should postpone it until you’re mainly healed and can handle another rejection.
As for your ex, she seems relieved. It’s best not to check up on her or you’ll take things personally and get hurt. Your ex is merely acting on instinct, remaining who she is while you’re improving. If she comes back, she’ll need to do a lot of work on herself.
So stay strong and keep moving on Dylan. You’re doing great!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
Thanks for the reply, the guilt managed to pass a day after i post my previous comment, i think it was just me adjusting to being with someone else after 3 years.
I think in terms of suffering setbacks these seem to happen mainly when my ex reaches out. She done this earlier this week in the form of a breadcrumb she kept the dog we shared and previously i hadnt replied to her other messages as i felt they didnt need a response, but as soon as i replied she disapeared again so i guess she got what she needed right.
This girl im talking to knows my situation and ive said that ill need to take things slow for a while. Shes looking to eventually settle down how slow would you reccommend we be ?
Hey Zan. My ex moved back on to his baby’s mother. He says he’s happy and he doesn’t call. While I wish him the best I still can’t help but wonder if he still loves me and misses me. I acknowledge that the quality of our relationship had become poor, it deteriorated because of lying/cheating. Yet, i grew to wanna work things out and change and he got fed up and left. I wanna know Zan, does he miss me, does still have feelings for me? I think I know what you would say already…I’ve been in no contact 5 days.
Hi Sarah.
Your ex isn’t thinking about getting back with you right now. He’s detached from you and wants to focus on his ex. You need to leave him alone to figure out what’s best for him.
Stay strong, Sarah!
Zan
Isn’t doing no contact the same as ignoring your ex?
It’s not, B.
One is hurting your ex on purpose and the other is minding your own business. Read the article again.
Sincerely,
Zan
I feel I am ignoring her even though I’ve just re entered into no contact. She reached out to me only get me to initiate a fwb type deal without her asking for it.
I didn’t play along and she tried to make me jealous and even got a little angry. That’s why I asked if ignoring her is the same as no contact
Hi B.
Politely tell her you need space and go no contact. Don’t worry about what she will think. It doesn’t matter anymore.
Zan
You can’t imagine how much I have learned from your one-on-one communication and all your articles!! And I know I wouldn’t be in a good place if I would not find you, Zan. That’s why I’m forever grateful. Also, the first article that I read of yours was about staying in no contact forever. in the beginning, I was like, woo can i do it but i made it to other side with your enormous help and empathy
lucky to have you Zan 🤍
Hi Linda.
I’ve learned a lot from you too. Thanks for being so positive and supportive. No contact has helped you a lot—and it’s only going to keep helping you. It’s safe to put your trust in it.
Best,
Zan
Given the ruthless way I was monkey branched I contacted her several times or she requested some information as we lived together many years. I despise the woman and her new male because the entire episode was so sleazy, so behind the back and so grotesque that I wanted her to despise me and she does. So I suppose it depends on your motives? I do know that she makes me someone I don’t like and so I have ended it but when I first learned of the magnitude of betrayal and lies I was out for blood. Why should she get off Scott free?
So if you had an adult amicable parting then it’s a good thing. In my case, I was making it very clear that I am aware of everything and that I wished a pox upon them. I don’t like people who use or take advantage of others. It’s cruel and it’s wrong.
That said, I regret some of it because it opens wounds that were healing. I just couldn’t let her/him think they got away with all the pathetic lies and deceptions. He’s 63, I am 61. What adult plays these games?
So if you do break contact, beware. In my case it was driven by bad emotions and I am a very rational person usually. It will cause you to relive the past and pull open wounds.
However, landing thermonuclear missiles on their lies and deceptions can be quite satisfying?
Absolutely. I hate my ex-wife’s guts for the disgusting way in which she ended our marriage, and how she treated me after – which was cruel and abusive. Two of the last emails I sent to her were pretty vicious, and I have zero regrets about it. She deserves much worse than that.
On the contrary, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up in a fairly amicable way- no screaming or cursing or backstabbing or whatever. I was always polite when I contacted her after.
I’ve been in indefinite contact with both of them for nearly four months and have no intentions of ever breaking it.
Hi DT.
It can be satisfying to unleash your fury on an ex who backstabbed you, but it can also cause you more damage in the long run. Especially if you take revenge or do something that starts a war with an ex and hinders your growth.
Best regards,
Zan