This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello, my name is Josh
I have been broken up with and am looking for some advice to deal with the pain and the extreme feeling of guilt and loss.
My now ex girlfriend was a very good girl. We had a good foundation and had a valued strong relationship, until the point where my issues started to really surface as I started to take her for granted and choose other things and people over her. Then after the drive to have sex from her diminished over time, and all then my selfish desires became more evident.. I started to be an asshole about everything and took away her happiness. And we had fights and arguments. Then I started to look and try to talk to other women online. It happened several times. However, I told her the truth all the times. And laid everting out on the table. First time she tried to move on with us and forgive, and the second time she left. While breaking up with me I told her stuff about my ex before her and how I already had my first love and etc. (all defense mechanisms, to try to remain I control, but I didn’t really mean a lot of what I said just to have an impact) well in doing all this I shattered her heart. And she left. I since then I made many changes, realized my mistakes, and went to church, joined a gym, and truly re-evaluated my life. And I also quit my addiction to marijuana and cut off toxic people. But in her anger and relief stages I pushed entirely too hard for a second chance cause I wanted her to see that I in-fact made solid changes and was willing to truly seek counseling and work on us. She however told me that she’s angry that I keep hoping for a second chance and that I wouldn’t leave her an her mother and her friend alone. I have since then stopped all contact with her. It’s been a few weeks. I see very little hope, but some still remains and it’s truly exhausting. I love her very much and have realized that I had truly a very good woman that I messed up with. Any advise on what to do to move on and somehow recover and heal from this?
Hi Josh.
Most guys realize what they had when they lose it.
As you know, you can’t tell your ex that you’ve changed, especially when she’s in her first stage of a breakup. She now needs time to process everything that’s happened.
In the meantime, work on yourself and fix every shortcoming of yours so that you can become happy with yourself.
There are many guides out there on how to get over the breakup. You can check out mine if you want.
I wish you the very best of luck, Josh.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan, can this also apply to a women who has left her husband and is possibly going to file for a divorce?
Hi Aaron.
It can. Make sure you avoid as many post-breakup mistakes as you can.
Zan
thanks Zan! I would love to see more content geared torwards couples with kids! that would be great
Hi Aaron.
Thanks for the recommendation! I’ll write about no contact with kids in the near future.
Thanks a lot!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I have broken up four times with my ex, always because of him having “fears”/”doubts” in a timeline of almost two years. Every single time this has happened I have applied no contact imidietly and he has ended up reaching out to me, begging for me to forgive him and to let him prove to me that he really wants to be with me, however he keeps breaking up in the end.
I know I shouldn’t be interested nor have questions about a person who clearly is not sufficiently intrested in me, but I’m just curious to why he has had that intense urge to come back so quickly so many times (between one and 4 weeks after breaking up). It’s just something I don’t understand. I have never begged him to stay with me and have never contacted him after breaking up, and I know taking him back easily might have been the mistake, but he really did his work to make sure I beleived him with amazing gestures and words.
This time we have broken up and its been more than a month of no contact since it literally happened. In cases like this, is the break-up process for the dumper similar than to the process of the dumper when he has just broken up once? I’m scared that he might come back once again now that I’m feeling a bit stronger than in previous times and I really want to be prepared beacuse I still feel like I would love to be with him unfortunately.
However, this time it’s been more intense as the first week I deleted his photos from my instagram. I know it sounds childish and I kind of regret now but It just hurt too much to see him there knowing he had broken up with me so many times after how good and forgiving I had always been with him. I had never done that before as I found it stupid, but it was too much this last time as he lasted only one month with me before breaking up once again. A couple days later he unfollowed me for the fisrt time too, but has been watching ALL of my stories, and I have only uploaded a total 8 stories in a whole month, why is he doing this? A few days ago, I realised he had deleted the photo he had with me in his insta and it broke me.
We are 27 years old so I’m very mad at this childish instagram dynamic that we never had, but I feel like I started it. But the truth I just should not care anymore, but sadly I still do, cause I really thought he really did love me… I wish I had done things differently and stood my ground more… cause now i am here abandoned once again…
Hope you can give me your insight!
Thank you
xx
Oh I forgot to say that he said to me his fears are of being let down in love, as his previous girlfriend broke up with him after a very long relationship of many years, and he also confessed that I was putting up with his past shit but really wanted to make me happy and to be with me for ever, that I was his woman and the best girlfriend he ever had, that he is in love with me blah blah blah. I think he actually never got over his previous break up as it was deeply painful for him appearently, and we started dating when not even a year had passed from that. Of course he was the one to persue a relationship with me and then after 4 months he broke off things for the first time… which only lasted a week until he was regreting leaving me.
Hi Sandra.
Thanks for the comment.
Your ex-boyfriend has come back 4 times because of insecurities and self-esteem issues. Something has made him miserable or depressed and he’s come running back to you. Because you remained strong in his eyes, you were his safety net so he kept coming back, healed from whatever has hurt him and left once he’s recovered. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and it’s really horrible he’s using you this way.
As you may have heard already, doubt is a very destructive emotion when it comes to relationships. One bit of doubt creates more doubt until a person is convinced he must break up with you. As long as he’s feeling doubtful, he can’t have a stable relationship with you. I don’t know why he has doubt issues, but he clearly has issues with himself. It could be depression or discontent with himself. I can’t say for sure.
What I do know is that you need to take things into your own hands. When he comes back, you must follow instructions in this post. It won’t be easy, but it’s the only way. Basically, you must make him work his pants off by making him feel as if it’s over. He must feel what it’s like to lose you otherwise he will never respect you.
Take this step seriously when he comes back otherwise he will leave again. Until then, it’s no contact time.
Best,
Zan
Thank you so much for your reply and your dedication, Zan.
You clearly have seen through the situation perfectly as he is indeed a very insecure person, even if he tries to come across as he is the alpha man. He has said many times how he thinks he has a problem with himself, however, I started to think it was just an excuse, to try to win me back… but who knows. I’ll follow your advice and continue with indefinite no contact and follow your other post in case he does come back.
From your answer I understand it seems very probable for him to come back even if it might look more definite this time right? (This obviously knowing that it could also never happen). I will of course not wait for him and I continue enjoying my life. If he does come back, I’ll make it as if it’s over as this is what I had always wanted to do for the previous times but was such in an anxiety and “obsessed”stage that I just couldn’t…
I also hope I wasn’t a rebound relationship for him and that I haven’t been his “bandage” to cure him from the pain caused by his last relationship… cause if not I would be basing all of my beliefs of this relationship in a complete “lie”…
Thanks again, your advice is the best anyone could get, down to earth and focused on improving ourselves.
Sandra
Thank you, Sandra.
Even your insecure ex will one day muster up enough courage and leave forever. Everything can end at some point so please make sure you get things right next time. You should be the one in control if he comes back again. And if he does, you know what to do.
Keep improving yourself, Sandra! You can’t go wrong with that.
Best,
Zan
I’m 24F and my ex bf of 6 years dumped me more than 3 weeks ago while I was overseas as I’m vacationing with my family.
So our relationship was really happy, but he started to spent lesa time with me when he started his business, and this lead to fighting because I feel neglected. On our last fight, he said that the relationship was getting toxic because we always fight (i’m demanding attention). Then he dumped me, blamed me for everything, he told me I’m immature and I don’t understand his situation and the relationship was toxic. After the breakup I went NC for 2 weeks, then out of nowhere he chatted me askin me to be friends with him, i said no, unless he wants the relationship back he said that he can’t be with me as the relationship ia stressing him out. We got into NC again. Take note we were 6 years and I thought we were solid.
Now I went home to our home country just yesterday. I broke NC as I’m asking for a last chance, as I want to prove him that I changed. That I won’t demand for his time anymore but he told me that he needs to focus on his business and doesn’t want to be stressed out as he feels like the relationship is toxic.
I feel so bad. I still plead and beg him, because I feel like I need to prove to him that it will be healthy this time, and I want to support him on his journey and I want to be with him. I feel bad because he only focuses on the negative aspect of the relationship when I can prove for sure that we have a lot of happy memories together and the relationship is not at all toxic. But he only focuses on that. I can’t let go as I still love him so much and the memories are lingering on my thoughts 24/7.
We talked over the phone for closure, and again he blamed me for the fallout of the relationship that I was toxic, needy and clingy. When I’m not asking for too much. And i begged him and he is firm with no as an answer.
Do you think he will also undergo the stage of breakup like you mentioned on the article? As at this point I feel he is a different person and doesn’t have any remorse and doesn’t even remember any good thing from the relationship.
P. S I only initiated to talk over the phond because he dumped me via whatsapp chat while I was overseas and I need explanation and I tried fixing things out but he is really blinded. He doesn’t remember anything good about the relationship only the bad. After the call I will go back to the indefinite contact rule as I feel like there’s nothing I can do. He also told me just to move on and accept things and do better on my next relationship. He never said sorry or acknowledge any wrong on his end. He blamed me entirely.
Hi there.
Your ex blamed you for everything because he’s in the victim mentality. It means he’d rather point fingers than to acknowledge his own mistakes. This is arrogant of him and proves he has flaws too (perhaps more than you’re willing to admit).
You can’t fix things when he isn’t in the mindset to do so. Go indefinite no contact and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn’t, you’ll know where he stands. Right now, he needs time to himself and his business and you need to figure some personal things out.
I can’t say if he’ll come back. If he does, you need to be ready by being your best self. Find ways to improve your shortcomings and you might not even want him back. For you to change properly and his emotions to change, enough time has to pass.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I can’t express how thankful I am for your reply. This is really thoughtful of you.
I just feel bad as well as he only ended things in whatsapp and phone call when our relationship is 6 years.
Also, i may not expecting him to come back, but I was just curious if is it possible for him to realize things and remember the good memories in the relationship and may regret things but i’m not looking for reconciliation. Just want to know if a dumper that has a victim mentality will have realization in the future?
Hi Camzhibari.
It’s possible for him to have a change of heart in the future. This usually happens when you don’t care as much anymore and he starts experiencing life difficulties. Once he feels down, he’s much more likely to remember his positive moments. Nostalgia works best when one feels down.
Best regards,
Zan
my situation is like this . my ex sure i am cheated on her but i didnt and from the panic of getting abundant i confess i did, now you might ask why did i confess? the reason i did let some one into my home . i did let her take shower at my home . i did ask my ex if shes coming ? i did all of that but i didnt had sex with that girl . now i cant prove to her and she dosnt want to believe . (i am an idiot)
she pushed me to confess i did had sex by saying “if i will tell her the truth she will stay with me” , but she dosnt want to handle the truth she only want to hear what she wanted and i confess on something i didnt do and what a shock she left me .7 month of brake up tried to talk to her 3 times but nothing help. after 7 month we met in the street and talked about how its going and yada yada .
she move to new place she even let me see her new home . we talked like old times and we even kissed few times and hugged . but then she told me to not getting hope and move on . 2 days later she called me and told me she tough about me that i still have hope and wanted to make clear there’s no hope of getting back
we met again that night and talked little bit more she says she got this bug in her head where she cant trust me . if it would be something else she will take me back no question ask . but because she cant trust me she dosnt want to get back she also told me what kind of life we will have if i cant trust you . trust is the basic form to relationship. i will make you life living hell is that what you want , i told her no . so i asked her to see i am changed man she said as well she see i am changed she even said “”” today there’s no way you would done that – she mean the cheating”/
any way at the end she said she will think about me but i should move on .
what can i do? every one and i mean every one told me dude smell the flowers its over .
you cant change her mind and shes like mule you can try push it but i will stay where it wants.
from here 2 days ago this what happen
i cant do anything , she dosnt want to trust me any more all she dose is to tell me to move on , she will never be with me , she putted wall and she isnt going back to place who someone hurt her , she dosnt want to give me a chance, she said there some people who can forgive and move on but i am not one like this . she clearly state , that i should not wait , my life with her will be living hell for not trust me and she dosnt want life like that she want life of 100% trust ,And i should move on or stay like this and be hurt but this is my choice not her ,she will never be with me again.
after 3 hours of talking and what not i see theres no way to make this one change her mind or even give me slide chance .
whats strange is she let me put my head on her leg she let me hug her and she offer to make me something to eat ( its like she got problems with her own and its like shes not mental stable)
i even told her ok so you dont love me? she said after 7 month i cant call it love so you dont love me ? she said you want me to say it ? i told her yes but i want you to mean it not because i asked you so she said i will not lie ) btw she told me i prefer to die alone then be with you . so harsh words
p,s
she wanted to talk to the girl who was at my place i was afraid she will lie to her for me kicking her out of my home and i didnt let her , today when i offer her to talk to her she told me its too late .
i truly dont think i can do anything else but to except that its over . i am hurt and i am broken i dont think i would move on she was my everything . but this might be my punishment for being an idiot Best regards
edi
i forgot to say we where 4.5 years together
Dude, have high value. Why are you trying to prove yourself to someone who doesn’t believe what you know to be true. You are validating her by being needy. You need to walk away from this situation, go no contact. Tell her you agree with her, say it’s obviously a healthy idea to have time away from each other and work on your attachment and insecurity issues and do not reach out to her. You need to work on yourself as you aren’t displaying high value right now. You need to make yourself the highest priority, not this woman.
Hi Edi.
Thanks for posting.
There’s no convincing your ex which acts like, as you say—a mule. You have to stop trying to reason with her. Never again tell her you’re a changed man. Don’t tell her you didn’t cheat either. She has her own mental capacity to believe what she wants. You don’t need to do it for her. Every time you do, it only angers her by reminding her of what “you did.”
What you do is be kind, respectful, playful and your best self. Don’t take her for granted and show her continuously who you truly are. She said some harsh words about you. You have two options. 1) ignore them altogether. 2) tell her it hurts your feelings when she does that.
You aren’t being punished for your mistakes. The pain you are experiencing is because of the breakup and not your past actions. Perhaps your actions caused the breakup and created the pain, but you don’t deserve to feel the way they do.
Friend. If she doesn’t trust you, you can’t force it into her. It’s something she has to develop for you on her own. Your consistency could help her reach a positive conclusion.
Best of luck!
Zan
Dear Edi, I am just reading through what you wrote and experienced and I want to tell you that I went through a similar experience. I wrote to Zan in the comment section of one of his posts and I am thankful for his reply.
My ex also has trust issues and is utterly convinced that I was cheating on her even though I absolutely did not. All I did was being nice to people around me. I am nice to my colleagues and people who work for me. My ex is utterly convinced that my kindness is simply a ploy to sleep with them.
After near two months since we have broken up, I finally see that actually it was all in her head. Her issues are her own and she needed to make me the bad person to make herself go through the breakup. She needed that anger. She was waiting and waiting for anything that would “confirm” in her mind that I am a cheater. She already “convicted” me. I was already guilty in her mind and no amount of evidence can convince her. She even said I can forge travel documents of women having affairs with me to make them seem like they were out of the country when there were actually with me. Not only that, she thinks I cheated on her with everyone! Men women.. you name it.
Like you… I was stunned when she was breaking up with me and I “confessed” because I was so tired of arguing. I just wanted to talk to her and she said she would talk to me only if I “confessed”… so I said… “yes I did everything you said…whatever you want me to say…I will say”… I was so stupid for confessing to things I did not do. …. but I need to forgive myself … just as you need to forgive yourself. You were in shock and we do stupid things when we are in shock.
To be accused this way is just hurtful. Truly hurtful! I don’t know what her issues are anymore. I spent the last two months ruminating over and over until I am going crazy trying to think how I could have avoided it. I realize now that I can’t.
My final conclusion is that she just wanted to break up with me and that she needed to avoid her own emotions by making me a cheater. This is my ex. I don’t hate her. No one is perfect. She was good to me just as I was good to her. There is something in her that she just could not go forward with the relationship.
I am writing here not because I want to make my ex to be a bad person but simply to help you because you shared your experience that let me know I am not a unique case. I am still depressed and I am still hurt right now. But I just thought by sharing my experience, you will not feel alone Edi.
Hang in there!
Yo Zan!
I see you added a timeline to the stages of the dumpee.
Mind adding a timeline or an avarage on how long each stage takes for the dumper please?
Hey X.
At this point, I don’t have enough information to make the chart as I did with the dumpees. If I had to give you an estimate, here is my best response. It takes about the time you’re over your ex + more. That said, the average is probably around a year.
Not many exes come back when you’re still desperate. When they do, dumpees often blow their chances.
Best,
Zan
Going through stages 4 & 5 now
Very accurate video 💯
Thanks for the comment, Nina.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hi, this was the first post/video of yours I’ve seen and you seem to give your opinion on most post.
I would love your take on my situation if possible.
Both her and I were 19 at the time (the NEW boyfriend is 24)
My fiance broke up with me ( 4 year relationship, engaged 1 year) due to what she said was a lot of issues but it was mostly i didn’t put enough effort in anymore. I got complacent thinking “Well, we’re going to get married, there’s no way we could break up now.”
After the initial breakup she came back a week later (after having dated a guy from her college for that week) and we were happy. The next day she told me that she had cheated on me (talking about the week break which I don’t see as cheating but she didn’t specify) But because she said she cheated I broke up with her.
We chatted and she explained what she meant and I forgave her but she didn’t seem to want to come back.
I asked if I could grab something from her house a few days later and then her NEW boyfriend showed up (a guy from her work)
I was hurt because I was under the impression we were going to fix things and in a uncharacteristic fit I took everything I bought for her house (we were going to live there for the next few years)
That really hurt how she saw me and pushed her further into the new guys arms.
Another week after I texted her begging to try to be friends and we chatted all day. We ended up talking about her late father and shew was crying. She got off the call and said:
I’m going to bed. I can’t stop crying..”
I couldn’t stop myself, I drove over (it was 3 am or so) because fro the past 4 years it was my job to make her feel better and recently I had done a piss-poor job of it. I wanted to help her and try to fix how she saw me. When I got there I knocked on the door and could hear her chatting happily and laughing with the new guy on the phone. She answered the door hesitantly and not exactly happy. (From my understanding he, since hearing about me, has been beating it into her head that I’m violent)
I apologized for coming over and told her “I thought you were upset, I wanted to help. I’m sorry.. Goodnight.” and got back into my car.
I messaged her apologizing for ruining everything and she said “There’s nothing to ruin anymore”
I told her I know I overstepped and asked to still be friends and she said “No. You kinda did overstep.”
And she had me blocked on everything before I backed out of the driveway.
The next day she went and filed fro a restraining order (I believe at either the new guy or her mothers suggestion because she’s never been decisive enough to do anything really. Let alone take legal action)
Fast-forward to the court date- My grandmother (who wouldn’t let me go alone) met me at the courthouse early for the time and then my ex showed up. The whole time she looked like she was downcast and sorry, then her and I shared an awkward laugh and a short conversation that was overall light.
She dismissed everything and took the time to show my grandmother the paper saying she voluntarily did so on her way out. I don’t know why… Maybe a gesture of goodwill. I don’t know. Then we both left and the whole time she kept looking at me and stopping like she wanted to say something but I didn’t call out because I didn’t want to make things worse.
Now, 3 weeks later and there’s been no contact though I was told that on my birthday she changed her Facbook bio and it directly related to a conversation (That I was wrong in) her and I had years ago and again during the breakup.
Her birthday is coming up and I want to reach out and just say a quick “Happy birthday, I hope you’re doing well” but I feel it wouldn’t work out. And I hope she expects me to so if I don’t she’ll feel it like I did.
I miss her and want my best friend back. But right now I don’t see any way for that to happen besides time and hoping the new relationship is just a rebound. I mean, she only knew him a week and a hlaf before they started dating and now it’s been 2 months.I know I should be moving on but I still have the ungodly gut feeling of “there’s a chance, she still cares. It’ll be hard to rebuild but 4 years together… She has to care still”
As I said I would love your take on my situation here. Sorry fro the book… It’s a long story and context matters.
Thank you,
Jiro
Hi Jiro.
The reason why she came back after dating that guy from college was because she wasn’t happy with him. She quickly bounced back to you until she acquired her next target. Once she found him, she quickly let go of you (which wasn’t that hard because she had already done it a week before). When you drove over to her place, thinking you could fix thing with her, she was chatting with the guy, pretending to be sad and tired. Not only did she lie to you, but she also completely disregarded your feelings. She played with your emotions when she was laughing and enjoying her night with someone else. I’m not sure what that means to you, but to me it’s deal-breaker.
The message “there’s nothing to ruin anymore” clearly indicates where she’s at mentally. She’s annoyed, angry, and wants to be left alone. She’d rather be spending time with other people, or rather, someone else. There’s no caring in her actions whatsoever. She’s cold and distant while playing the victim. You came over to help and she told you to go away and that you can’t be friends. It’s a low integrity move and something a person would do when she has other options.
It doesn’t matter who convinced her into filing a restraining order against you. The fact that she went along with it implies it was her decision. I would advise you to stop pampering her as she is no saint. Her immature behavior is ridiculously outweighing all the good qualities. I say this when I don’t even know her because she would have to have been some sort of princess during those four years to balance out her horrible deeds post-break-up.
Whether you want her back or not, I would advise you not to reach out for her birthday. She doesn’t want your company right now, so the best you can do is to do what makes you happy. That means to eventually start dating. Building trust again with this person would be near impossible. Not only did she destroy your value by playing with your feelings, but she also filed for a restraining order against you, and is in a relationship with another guy. She’s only thinking about herself, and so should you.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for the reply!
My understanding of the situation is that both the first and newest guy were good shoulders to cry on while I wasn’t giving her enough attention in the relationship and she told them about the issues she saw in our relationship instead of telling me because she avoids conflict as much as possible. IF she thinks a topic may cause a argument she’ll avoid telling the person it involves and tell everyone else to get their opinions of it.
And as i had said, her and I were in a call (discord specifically) and she was crying for 5-10 minutes before getting off. Then i heard half of what I’m assuming was the first ring of a phone call and she muted her mic.
He apparently was able to cheer her up within the 10 minutes it took to go over there.
Since posting the last time she changed her Instagram bio to reflect the same sentiment as her Facebook bio which I think is funny/ That she seems to still be thinking about that conversation. I mean, she hadn’t changed either bio since making the accounts.
During the day her and I chatted after I begged her to be friends we had such good communication, she talked about issues we had (that I’ve fixed on my side), talked about how she was “Disappointed with how petty and babyish” I acted by taking all my stuff back, and then watched some shows together.
I just miss her and know how needy she is, which typically post breakup would bring her back but the new guy seems to know exactly how to deal with her type and seems to be giving the attention she needs…
I just know if I had one more chance I could make it all better. Though getting that one chance relies entirely on her reaching out first so I don’t scare her further away. I see it as she either feels really bad about the whole restraining order ordeal and doesn’t want to reach out thinking I’m mad. Or she has NO want to reach out to me and is done with me overall. Which hurts a lot considering I feel like I could still get her back.
Also, her and I were each others first so I think the first guy had moved too fast because she said he kissed her and then she left. Which means if this new guy is taking his time and playing the long-con she’ll likely stay with him for awhile. He’s a good religious boy, he’s a bit taller than me, skinnier, older, and at the time he had a job when I didn’t (her family is quite religious so he already has their support, I fixed my job situation, and I’ve also dropped 25-30 pounds since the breakup. He’s basically everything she told me she didn’t like mixed with qualities I have. He’s a taller guy (I’m 6’0 he’s probably 6’2), that’s skinny (She doesn’t like skinny guys), has a shitty beard (she hates facial hair), but he listens, spends a lot of time over there (I mean, day 3 of them dating I’m told he spent the night and I’d guess a lot more since then)
My only hope is knowing she’s not the type of girl to have sex this fast into a new relationship because I’m the only person she ever had before. At least, I hope she wouldn’t. I know she gets… Frisky… and used to jump me randomly. I just hope she’s controlling herself.
Though it shouldn’t be any concern of mine anymore… But I just love her and miss her being in my arms, the idea of her in bed with another guy kills me.
I hope she reaches out sometime soon. I hold no ill will toward her or him for that matter. But I hope their relationship crashed and burns and she comes back realizing I wan’t that bad. She used things from years ago to break up with me. Me not going to church (haven’t talked about that in 2 years), me not having a job (Had an interview scheduled 2 days after the breakup first breakup), I was “too busy”.. Admittedly that was true, I was too into my computer and felt like the more time I spent with her the more she’d see me as a bum that didn’t have a job.
Since the breakup I’m WAY more confident though, no idea why. We started dating when I felt I was lucky to have anyone and that put her above me in the relationship from the start. I kept her there for the entire time never feeling like I deserved her. Now I realize, I’m fucking awesome and I just never saw it. But now I want to be with her as equals and make her feel like I AM the man she promised her “forever” to and that promised his “always” (I know, mushy)
Sorry for another essay…
Thank you,
Jiro
Hi Jiro.
I apologize for the late reply.
In times like these, you must consider your ex-girlfriend to be the person she’s showing you to be. I know you love her and want her, but that doesn’t excuse her bad behavior. If she only broke your heart and left peacefully, I would see her differently. Based on what you’ve told me, she did not just break your heart. She also stomped and spat on it. This sort of disrespect is equivalent to lying and cheating. Actually, forget what I just said. It’s much worse than that. She didn’t see you as somebody with feelings and emotions. Or rather, didn’t care enough to consider your well-being. She acted selfishly when you needed her to be sympathetic and understanding. Have you ever heard that people show their true colors in difficult situations? This is a good example of a difficult situation.
You must lose hope for your own good. Holding on to her and observing her is going to drive you insane.
Zan
Hi Jiro,
I completely agree with Zan,
She doesn’t deserve you. I know is not easy as you love her and you see what you had with colorful glasses but She is not worth it by what you have described she is selfish person who on my view has used and abused your good intention.
You said you changed and tried to do things right but she would have found something else and asked for more because woman like her would never be happy with nice guy.
They eventually understand what they have screwed up but I really hope you will not fall for her games again because she will hurt you again.
I speak from experience…. woman like her are selfish and the only thing they care is to satisfy their ego.
you seem like nice guy who is trying to sort his life around, there is plenty woman who would love to be with nice guy like you.
Leo
Hi Zan,
I’d appreciate some insight into my situation. My ex-girlfriend (5 year relationship; on and off, broken up 4 times now with this recent break up) broke up with me on March 2nd. I called her out because she was allowing other guys to follow her on her (private) Instagram, and did not allow me to follow her. She made the account sometime in 2017 and when I found it, she didn’t allow me to follow her. She stated she wanted it as a private space for her and her girlfriends from work – I didn’t like it, but I accepted it because I didn’t think it was worth fighting over. I let it go.
It had always bothered me but I trusted her. I couldn’t help but be curious though, of course, but again she never gave me a reason to doubt her.
A month ago, we had a weekend getaway up in the mountains and we had a blast (or so I thought). Once we returned and I dropped her off at her house, the entire week after that (leading up to the break-up) I felt her being somewhat distant.
Her distance prompted me to hop on Instagram and I went to her page. Now, although she is private, I am able to see some of the people who follow her under “Suggested”. I noticed there was a guy on there who happened to live in the same city as her. I went to his profile (he was public) and I noticed she was following him and she was following her. At this point, I got pretty upset because I did not understand how she could allow other guy(s) to follow her on Instagram, yet exclude me.
I confronted her about the guy (via text) and once I did, she blocked me on Instagram and said that me “stalking” her page made her feel very uncomfortable, to which I tried to reason with her (as useless as it is), by saying that she’s my girlfriend; it’s only natural for me to be curious. She argued by saying she never wanted to look at my social media pages so there was no reason for me to want to want to see hers (which was a pretty invalid argument, as my social media pages are public and I know she looks at them).
Upon blocking me and saying what I did made her feel uncomfortable, she said she didn’t want to to this anymore with me and that she’s tired of the back and forth (multiple break ups). She broke up with with me on the spot. I didn’t beg or plead for her to change her mind. I simply told her how I felt about her and expressed myself. That same day of the break up, before bed at night I texted her saying that I loved her and did all I could to make her happy.
In the 5 years we’ve spent together, we’ve broken up 4 times now – the last two have been by her, seemingly because she doesn’t know what she wants. The first two break ups were by me and after those two break ups, I tried to get her to take my back, which was extremely difficult but I managed to earn her trust and another chance with her. Ever since then, I’ve never looked back; I have always been there for her and never betrayed my feelings for her.
I have not contacted her since that same day she broke up with me. I am on Day 22 of NC and post-break up. I am still blocked on Instagram. I have gone radio silent by not leaving any trail of activity online whatsoever – I want her to feel as though I’ve dropped off the face of the Earth.
Ever since then, I noticed she’s got her hair done, has been going out with her best friend, and has gone on a hike (which is unusual for her as she’s not the physical activity type).
I think I have done everything right up to this point. I didn’t beg/plead, I didn’t harass her after the day of the break-up, I haven’t used any tactics to try and make her jealous, I’m working on a promotion at work, and recently bought some art supplies to rekindle a passion for an old hobby (drawing). In spite of this, it’s still tough.
I would like to think this is still salvageable but I know it has to be on her, as she was the one who has pulled away from me and doubted her feelings for me the last two times she’s broken up with me.
It’s hard considering that fact that she said she was tired of this back and forth that she did not want to do anymore – those words stuck to me.
I know a lot of things that are said in a break up are meant IN THE MOMENT, but I still wonder about the likelihood of us working things out. I would love to, but I know we’d have a lot to talk about prior to that and I wouldn’t take her back in an instant unless she shows she’d willing to be more honest/transparent with me, since Instagram was what pretty much set everything off.
Sorry for the long post, it was difficult to omit details.
Thanks in advance.
Hi Christian.
I apologize for missing your comment.
The two of you have broken up 4 times now. Despite undergoing a break-up, neither of you could permanently stay away from each. Perhaps it was one of those fake-ups in the heat of the moment or you actually spent some time apart. Whichever the case, every time this happened, your ex distanced herself a from you. Breaking up with you for real this time made it much easier for her because she’s already had enough “breaking up experience.” Nobody’s patience is limitless.
Your ex-girlfriend is tired of pointless bickering. She is exhausted from constant “back and forth” arguing and thinks it will never change. You won’t be able to rationally convince her otherwise even if you try. She needs to process the break-up and explore her single life for a while before she will wonder about you.
You will probably see her act differently for a few months, so expect some changes on her end. You should also get busy as it will aid you in moving on.
Many things are salvageable and maybe your relationship is as well. If I were you, I’d allow her to come back on her own terms. In the meantime, do some soulsearching and see if you can change a thing or two for the better. If she explores the idea of getting back together in the future, it won’t be to get back to the exact same relationship. She wants more, and so do you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
No problem. Life happens so no worries at all.
The sad part is that I would never try and bicker – whenever a problem between us presented itself, I would try to sit her down to dialogue about it, but she would shut down on me. A lot of the times, I would let things go, but as you said, no one’s patience is limitless.
Nevertheless, I’ve been doing my best to move forward. Besides working on some art stuff, I’ve been dating (nothing serious, just a distraction) and have started working out again.
As you suggested, I have not and will not reach out to her. I have made a conscious decision to respect her wishes, as much as it hurts. It does get hard at times but I know any action would only be counterproductive to what I would ultimately like to achieve.
I recently got a call from a blocked number in the middle of the night, in which the caller allowed me to say “hello” for a good 10 seconds before hanging up. I’m thinking it might have been her.. nevertheless, I’m just leaving things alone.
If she does decide to come back, she will have to earn me back because in the end, all I wanted were here time, attention, and honestly – basic relationship things, and during the times leading up to the break up, those were all very steep prices for her to pay apparently.
Hi Christian.
Your ex felt smothered towards the end of the relationship, and that’s why she started giving less and less. Of course, you wanted only the basic things – to feel loved and valued as her partner. She felt she couldn’t give you much of that and eventually decided to run. It’s not your fault for wanting to feel secure as that is the point of being with another person.
If she does come back, you have to make her work unbelievably hard, otherwise, she could walk out again. Truly make her see your worth by being your best, confident self.
Zan
Hi Zan, sorry if this is too long, but i have a strange case on my hands.
So me and my gf broke up two weeks ago. We were dating for six months and she lost her virginity with me. A few months back i commented on one of her friends that is hot, I told my best friend who was single at the time that she is really hot and i want him to get her number, and we exchanged a few comments about the girl but my ex gf overheard it. She got mad at me for those comments about the girl being hot, but we talked and we resolved it the same day. The relationship after that was amazing and she even lost her virginity with me AFTER that happened.
For the last two months, everything was perfect, but two weeks ago she broke up with me unexpectedly because that incident has been playing in her head since it happened. She tried to forget it and thought that time will heal it but she just can’t cope with it and now she finally snapped and can not take it anymore. She said that she tried but just cant trust me and will never be able to trust me again and we have to break up. She is always worried when i go somewhere with friends because of that day and is scared i will do something to hurt her. I even showed her messages with my best friend where i said that i would never cheat on her and how awesome she is but it did not help, she will never trust me and that is final. Before that, she even told me that she will break up with me if i went to the beach with my friends in the summer because she does not trust me being around women. Back then, i did not take it seriously. I feel strange. I know i ****ed up by commenting on her friend but i mean, is it all on me or does she have some deep rooted issues, or is she lying? We had an honest relationship and if there was anything else she would have told me, she is the type of person that will tell it all in your face, no matter how hurting it is. I don’t know why she would break it off because of such a thing suddenly when she went past it. The moment we broke up, i took it okay, told her to contact me if she changes her mind and am now two weeks into no contact.
She texted me friday, the night before we broke up while she was out partying, how we need to talk about something. She told me its not anything serious but we have to talk about sex and how she thinks we did it too soon. (She is 18 and was a virgin before this). Anyway, she told me not to worry and that everything is fine, she loves me and will kill me if we break up. That was around 10pm. So i left it at that, she went out to party with her friends, and i went to sleep since i had to get up really early. I woke up, and 3 hours after that message where she wrote how she loves me and doesnt want to break up, at around 2am, she literally wrote how we need to break up. So in 3 hours her whole opinion changed, and then we went to talk later that day and she told me everything i wrote in the first pharagraph. And also keep in mind that she is young and not really experienced. I was extremely caring and good to her, but not a doormat, i had boundaries. This breakup really shocked me because it literally happened in 3 hours.
We live in a small town and there is only one club to go too. I see her every weekend there. I just smile and greet her and then go do my own things, i never chase her. Last friday as i was going out on the terrace of the club, i did not see her in the crowd, so she playfully pushed me and stuck her tongue out at me while smiling, i greeted her and continued on. However, her body language is really cold towards me. She turns her back on me while talking to her friends every time i am in the proximity and closes her body off. Example, if i am on her left side talking to my friends, she turns slightly right etc. She talked to a guy alone, i think they might start dating soon if they are not already, they looked really flirty and she looked happy the whole time. Last week she was liking sad things on Instagram, depressing stuff, but this week she seemed fine and was extremely happy when i saw her out.
Meanwhile, i post cool and happy stuff on Instagram like i always did. Me out with friends, having fun etc., but i do not make it too obvious that it is in reaction to her. I always posted stuff like that. So, do you think it’s possible to get her back? To me, she looks completely indifferent and like she does not care at all. Thanks.
Just to add, she also said she fears falling in love with me and connecting even more as time goes on and then getting hurt later on. With that trust excuse, she also started bringing up smaller problems too that did not bother her before but suddenly are bothering her now. I think this was to further justify her decision, although the main reason for breakup was that breach of trust. She also does not trust people easily and does not give second chances. She told me she loved me 2 months into dating already, and i think she is an anxious attachment type.
Hi Twist.
Thanks for the comment.
On many different occasions you mentioned the word trust. I believe your ex has some serious trust issues. Now, I can’t say whether this is deep-rooted (which it usually is), it’s evident she is exhibiting a lot of insecure behaviour. It’s not uncommon for a person her age. One could even say she’s being incredibly immature. If something as little as mentioning another girl being hot threw her off, then she has much, much bigger issues crossing her path in the future.
Her shift in attitude just before the break-up resembles a person wanting to work on the relationship and then thinking it would be easier to burry it all in the past. I suspect something has happened the night she went out to party. I don’t know what exactly. Maybe she talked to someone and that person changed her opinion about her relationship with you, or maybe she did something with someone (kiss…) and felt extremely guilty about it. Initial reaction was to fix it, and the latter to abandon ship. This is the pattern I see people follow all the time, so I can only speculate it had something to do in the moment, rather than long-term.
She can throw excuses how she can’t trust you all she wants. It’s not really your fault she is so fickle, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.
She doesn’t care right now and seems indifferent because she doesn’t want a relationship with you. After a while (if you keep giving her the space), she will stop acting the way she does now, and hopefully be more respectful.
If you let her go and allow her to run around, acting immature, at some point you will have her knocking on your doors. The sooner she gets knocked off her high horse, the sooner she will come back.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for the reply, and funny you should mention it. The guy she talked to last friday is the guy she met the night we broke up. She is a very, very beautiful girl, one that has 10-15 guys swarming around her every weekend when she is out, she gets validated all the time. I think she wanted to work it out, but then either met someone or did something as you said and chose to just move on. Some of her friends actually told her to talk it out with me, her own mother told her that it is not a good reason for a breakup. A bit hypocritical from her, considering that she commented on other guys all the time, even when we were alone.
And to clarify, she was cold like that this friday, the friday before that she was visibly sad and looked at me all the time, however i did not budge at all and continued doing my thing. I don’t get why she is so playful towards me then. Would you say her liking sad Instagram pictures about breakups and exes (intended for me) is anything major or nothing to worry about? Oh and, i did not look at what she does, my friends keep sending me screenshots of her liking stuff but i told them to stop.
She has problems with her father (likes to drink, is not beating her mother or anything, but is mentally torturing her) and her last boyfriend cheated on her when they were in a relationship. The problem is that she blames everyone else except herself for every breakup that she had.
Hey Twist.
Her social media life is hard to interpret. I’d say she posts sad things when she feels sad about what she’s done and happier things when she’s okay again. People, just as yourself are emotional, and will show how they feel in the moment. One moment she is happy, and when she’s not, she will blame her unhappiness on the break-up. Despite her posting melodramatic things, she isn’t reaching out, which mean she isn’t sad or depressed enough. To be honest, they aren’t very often. They normally have way too much on their plate after the break-up, and are too busy blaming others for their mistakes.
There’s nothing to worry about. You will hear from her if she feels bad enough.
Zan
Hey thanks Zan. One last thing. I accidentally viewed her Instagram story yesterday, Instagram crashed and when i opened it back her story was opened. I never watch her stories usually. Is that really bad and no contact is over or? It does not bother me, i can look at it no problem, i am asking from the perspective of getting her back.
Hi Twist.
The less attention you give her, the better for her. It doesn’t mean NC is over or ruined. Just keep going and refrain from watching it next time.
She will completely forget that you viewed her story in a week or two. It doesn’t change much in the long run.
She’s got to process the break-up right now, so one view from you doesn’t get in her way.
Zan
Hi Zan!
So I was with my bf for 7 years and we recently bought a house together 6 months ago. The last two months I noticed a shift in his attitude and I began to worry and of course act a little clingy. I guess I freaked him about because I asked him about the future now that we own a home together. The last three days we were together he started going out drinking with his friends and on the last night I woke up at 2am with him still being gone so I packed my things and went to my parents house. He called me the next day saying he can’t do this anymore and he wanted to break up. I said “okay” and turned my phone off and didn’t answer any of his calls. He then said he made a mistake and just needs space to figure things out but still wants to be with me. After two weeks I found out he met someone at work and was hanging out with her ( ugly girl and complete opposite of me). I confronted him and he told me it was true but she has nothing to do with us and that he wants to break up and sell the house. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We were an amazing couple, never argued, I did everything for him and we literally just committed to this house where I put my life savings in for a down payment.
It’s been two weeks since the actual break up and he called me last night to talk about the house and that he wants to take my name off the house, that I can stay there if I want till we figure things out, that he has a new job starting next week and had the nerve to ask me “ if I’m dating someone?” In a happy tone that suggests he doesn’t care. He sounded like he was in a great mood and was trying to be all friendly to me. Um he cheated on me, is taking me off the house we bought together, why on earth would he call me all happy? He is also very immature for his age (35) He doesn’t like responsibility. Said he wanted to be “free”
My questions is, do you think this is a combination of G.I.G.S.? He’s obviously in stage 2 since it’s been less than a month and what can I do for him to realize what a mistake he’s made. I’ve been with him 7 years and he didn’t even want to fix the relationship ( even though it seemed like everything was going okay) he does have a really hard job working 70 hours a week so I never saw him in the first place. PLEASE help me!!
Hi Kristy.
This is definitely one of those GIGS situations where couples start taking each other for granted after being together for so long. My guess is he met this girl and started feeling attracted – sort of like a midlife crisis. When you felt something was wrong, you had every right to suspect it. You felt his lack of presence, and knew something was off. It’s just one of those intuitions. Naturally you pulled, and he pushed. His feelings for you fluctuated because of that girl, and he started feeling confused. In his mind, he knew you were right for him, yet he felt more for the other girl. New things are sometimes more attractive. If he hadn’t liked her attention so much, he would never have stopped giving you his best. I’m guessing he wanted to see how far it would go, until it’s gone too far. At some point, there was no going back.
He is happy right now, and he wants you to notice that. It’s inconsiderate of what you’re going through, and he’s too caught up in his own world to care. When he says you two will try to figure things out, he really means he is trying to figure things out with the new girl. He’s sort of putting you in the backup plan, in case she doesn’t turn out that great.
In this case, I’d say fighting fire with fire works best in your favour. He’s happy, so you must gather you strength to be just as happy. Don’t do crazy things just to prove a point. Genuinely become happy as fast as you can. Get busy, go on a few dates (doesn’t have to be serious) and make him see he’s the one missing out on you, and not vice versa. That is the key to getting this person back. As long as you think he’s the gem, and you’re disposable, it won’t work.
Remember — you are the price and he’s the one who messed up and has to work for you. So, get out there, sign up for gym, make new friends, new, new, new. This will make him look your way and start feeling anxious. He’ll wonder why you’re doing so much better without him. Right now, he’s happy because a girl likes him. I don’t encourage you to engage in some kind of war with him. Do this for yourself, and when/if his relationship fails, your new-found strength is going to draw him towards you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan! I have emailed and posted on so many websites and you are the only one that has responded. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond to my question. I will keep you posted on what happens and if this so called relationship works out for him.
Thank you Kristy. Keep me posted, and I wish you the best of luck!
Hello ! I have been dating my bf for almost 6 years . We were best friends and we planned our future together. Suddenly he told me he needs to break up with me because his feelings faded away (we were both busy with college and we let distance and fights take the consume our relationship) . I am deeply hurt and confused . After 10 days of no contact I asked him to reconsider , he seemed confused and not sure of his choice but still he said no but asked me if we could stay friends because he still cares about me. I refused that and I left him devastated . I am now on the 8th day of the second attempt of no contact. I don’t know what to do….He’s so important to me…but I’m trying to heal and get a clear perspective. Do you think he will ever come back ?
Hi Katie.
His feelings didn’t fade away over night. There was definitely something or someone influencing him to reconsider his feelings towards you. Once he started to doubt his loyalty to you, was when it was all over. It only went downhill from there onwards.
It could be he got tired of constant arguments and the distance they created. Every time there’s an unresolved, argument, a person slightly detaches. The relationship was over because he started thinking he deserves/can do better.
The best you can do is to leave him alone forever and work on yourself as much as you can. You’re not as important to him as he is to you, so you must force yourself to create some distance. You will get that perspective with space and time, so take a few steps back, and prioritize yourself.
I don’t know if he’s coming back. If he does come back, it will be because his next relationship or life in general isn’t working out. Until then, you have to do your best to move on. Don’t waste your time grieving over him, as he clearly isn’t doing it either.
Zan
Hi Zan,
I realise that this post applies to long term breakups but just wondered if you could share any wisdom on what I thought was a great first date with someone on Sunday, we met at 3pm and ended up having a few drinks, decided to go to dinner and then she came back to mine. She said she had never felt that amount of chemistry with someone before and it was the best first date she’d ever been on. We had been chatting for around two weeks before getting around to arranging this date and she told me she had been seeing someone else after we’d slept together but I assumed it was along the lines of just maybe having been on a few dates as you do with dating apps.
Got this message from her the next day and she blocked me before I could reply:
Hello! Ugh I would like to do this in person. I must say I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday and didn’t think I would like you so much. Like I told you I am seeing another person and waking up this morning I must admit I felt terrible. I am not a ‘more than one guy’ sort of woman and I have been seeing him for a while (albeit not formally exclusively of course). But I feel even with that I need to keep things simple for my own peace of mind. I am so very sorry and this has been very confusing. I hope you don’t think I am a total ****.
Feel gutted to be honest as haven’t connected with someone in that way for a really long time.
Hey Rich.
Unfortunately, the article applies to long-term relationships only.
The girl has told you everything you need to know. Basically she had been seeing another guy for a while, and is emotionally invested in him more than you. She liked where it was going with you, and the moment she knew she could have you, she decided to back off and stick with the guy she’d been seeing. Subconsciously she accomplished what she wanted with you, and since she knew it would soon get serious, she ran away. She liked the idea of entertaining you, but couldn’t commit further because she never really intended to.
To reiterate, she has a guy she wants to be with, and loved the attention you provided.
Advice? Date others until she stops seeing that guy. The moment she does, you will probably hear from her.
Zan
You also need to work on yourself. You should not be that invested in a future with someone you’ve only met once. Sounds to me like she actually spotted a red flag in her own behaviour and called herself out on it which shows maturity. Blocking you says to me that she regrets exploring her curiosity with you, feels guilty for sleeping with you and sent that message more as a way to absolve herself from feeling like a shitty person, as the fact she focused on them not being “exclusive” probably means they pretty much are and the guilt has reinforced her feelings for the guys she’s seeing and wants to forget about this/you which is only natural and has no reflection on you as a man. Also remember that a woman’s actions always speak louder than her words and that that is what you want to always go off. I’d recommend working on the anxious part of yourself that cares about this. Do some research into attachment styles and how to become a more secure base. You obviously are insecure about this or you wouldn’t be searching the internet about it (but don’t judge yourself for that, it’s very common). Your goal should be to get to a place where if something happens like this in the future it’s like water off a duck’s back, it doesn’t bother you because you’re a man of high value who has many options. Right now, that’s not where you are but with a little commitment it will be, trust me. Don’t waste much more time on this, see it as a lesson moving forwards regarding how to qualify a woman to see if she’s actually suitable for you. In my opinion, sex on a first date (I’ve done it many times) is a red flag. Don’t resent this woman though, she’s only human and we all do things that feel right in the moment we later regret. Good luck.
Hi Zan,
I just wondered if this kind of thing affects those when short term dating?
I met a girl from Bumble and here’s how it’s gone dating wise:
Sat 29 Dec – went for a few afternoon drinks.
Sun 30 Dec – Went out for a meal and more drinks, ended up staying over at hers kissing most of the night, slept together but we didn’t have sex.
Mon 31 Dec – As I woke up at hers we took her dog for a walk in the park and spent most of the day together.
Tues 1 Jan – She came over to mine and we ordered Chinese, she didn’t stay over.
Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.
Sun 6 Jan – Went for a meal and to the cinema.
Fri 11 Jan – She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn’t stay over.
Didn’t hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on, her response was:
“Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part.”
I texted back with the following:
No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.
Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope? Has been just over a week since she we exchanged those last two messages and I haven’t heard from her. I’m assuming that because things were quite intense in the beginning with so many dates that she may have got scared or just realised she wasn’t that much into me.
Hi Rich.
Although this only applies to long-term relationships, your date may still regret her decision at some point.
You should ditch all hope immediately because there is no point in holding on. Since she isn’t interested in you for whatever reason, it’s time you do the same. This will raise your odds of hearing from her in the future.
Right now, she feels the need to disconnect, so you must allow her to do so. Your reply was concise, and she knows where you stand with her.
I think she got so fired up at the beginning, she stopped putting the effort in other parts of her life. Because of that, she’s trying to focus on herself by shoving you aside. That’s just my interpretation.
Love needs time and space from each other to develop. She felt the butterflies at first, and then slowly began to lose the excitement. If she’s ever going to feel anything towards you again, it’s by allowing her to do as she pleases with her life.
You’ll probably hear from her again. It’s a problem to talk to you now, because she is convinced she has lost romantic feelings and wants to focus on other things in life at the moment. This has to change in order for her to contact you.
You have to look at her actions to understand what she feels and wants. For your, as well as her sake, you should reciprocate in the same manner.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan.
I do know she has a fair bit going on in her life. She has recently moved into her own place having been living with friends for most of last year after breaking up with her ex at the beginning of last year – I know they owned a house together and so she had to wait until that was sold so she could move into her own place again.
I get the impression she has only felt recently that she was ready to begin dating again which is why she was on the dating apps. I do wonder if she wasn’t quite prepared for the amount of options she has on these apps and so started talking to someone else in the brief spell we were together and so wanted to explore that and her other options.
I did feel we connected well and did really get on. Perhaps she doesn’t realise how difficult it is to find that even though there are so many options out there with using apps.
Hi Rich.
It’s difficult to find a good match, even with all these dating apps out there. She feels flattered with the attention she is getting, but sooner than later, she will realize it’s not as fulfilling as she first thought.
The fact that she doesn’t think the same way you do, means you aren’t on the same wavelength (at least not now). She believes otherwise, so there’s no point in holding on to her. Unless she has an epiphany and realizes she lost something good, she’s as good as dead to you. She won’t make you feel any better as long as she isn’t yours.
Zan
I’m going to guess you never heard from her and here’s why… Very intense behaviour and message towards someone you’ve only known for a week or so. I’d say she lost attraction to you because most likely you were messaging her a lot during that first week. When she sent that message the correct response would have been something along the lines of, “sure, no problem”. Dude, the fact you’re keeping track of the time etc. displays to me just how insecure you are regarding women. Look up Craig Kenneth on YouTube, he’s a very good place to start regarding working on this. It’s nothing to feel bad about, it’s common, but it will be repeated behaviour until it’s worked on.
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your article. It truly gave me some perspectives but I also try not to hope for my ex-bf to come back.
I’d been with my ex for almost 7 years. We were so in love and compatible in many ways (belief, interests, hobbies etc.). We shared almost everything in our life together. Also, he said that I’m the only one he could share his world with. We even plan our marriage in 2 years from now.
Our long-term and serious relationship ended because he likes his co-worker whom he knows for 4 months.
At first he said he’s confused, he doesn’t love me in the same way anymore and not sure about our future anymore, he wanted to be alone.
He said that recently he felt that I couldn’t share his world anymore and he can’t stand our incompatibilities anymore.
I was so shocked. I didn’t know since he never told me about that before. I tried to fix things and talk with him but he refused everything and just wanted us to break up.
around 1 week after he said he wanted to be ‘alone’, he confessed to his co-worker, turned out being rejected because that girl just wants to be friend for now.
and now he’s acting completely different from the man I knew. He started to hang out with his friends from work (including that girl), partying etc. He told his friend that he learned his lesson and being with me too much made him shut down his social life. (He’s very clingy with me.) He is now enjoying his current self.
I’m hurt … and he seems happy with his life without me.
He even said that he will never come back to me again and even if that girl doesn’t exist, our relationship is just not going to work anyway.
Now I’m on NC for 16 days, trying to accept that fact and move on, but it so hard try not to hope that he will come back to me someday.
Do you think it is even possible ? because he’s so cold to me right now and enjoying his new life so much …
Hi. Thanks for the comment.
I’m sorry to hear your 7 year old relationship came to an abrupt end. I believe you were quite compatible, since you spent a great portion of your time together with this person. That said, the things he said in the past, are the past, as feelings change. Because of that, you can’t dwell on the history and the empty promises your ex failed to fulfill.
Lack of long-term attraction while getting to like a new person caused him to become unsure about you, so he started feeling more and more attracted towards a new/exciting person. New and shiny is always more attractive than old and and routinal, hence why he began to pull back and became cold.
Perhaps he’s right about the relationship not working out with you again. Not because he doesn’t want to be with you, but because he messed up so badly, he is going to have one hell of a problem fixing broken trust. You would also always be on tiptoes, expressing incesure behaviour.
Right now he’s experiencing a new chapter of his life. It’s the relief after the break-up, giving him that extra push to start fresh. He’s happy because he’s been wanting to be free for a while. Don’t take his happiness as an insult, but rather as him doing what he previously wanted, but didn’t when he was with you. He most likely lacked the boost of energy he received from the break-up.
He has to process his feelings on his own and figure out what matters to him most. There’s nothing you can directly do to change his opinion. You being happy by yourself is the best thing you can do, both for yourself and him. Seeing someone you love happy without you hurts, and so is true for your ex. Staying in hope-zone is not good for your recovery, so start distracting yourself with anything that gets your mind off him.
It’s possible he might come back in the distant future, but definitely not any time soon. He is too convinced it’s what he wants right now, and you must respect his wish.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m 5 weeks out of a break up (as a dumpee) and I’ve been reading non stop to try to gain some understanding and this was one of the most helpful articles. I was in a 4 year relationship and despite our ups and downs, we talked about marriage from day one. I have deep seated childhood issues and a great fear of abandonment. He left me in the midst of my finally dealing with all of this. It became too much for him-he sort of became my punching bag as he was the only man I had ever trusted, our love was so deep. I’ve struggled dealing with the breakup. He blocked me completely, even my phone number. He’s erased any trace of my existence from his life even though when he left me he said “I love you more than anything, I wish it didn’t have to be this way” We haven’t said a word to each other since then (5 weeks)…not that I have a choice anyway unless I was to email or show up or something which I know is not healthy. I have accepted that there is nothing I can do but try to move on and improve myself, which is what I am trying to do. However, I was left with an apartment full of memories…I mean boxes and boxes full. I am torn between keeping it all packed away (it’s taking up a lot of space, physically and emotionally) or mailing his things and some of the memories to him. Would this be breaking NC/not respecting his wishes which are clearly no contact considering he’s completely blocked me?
Thank you for tour help
Hi Kelsey.
I’m sorry to hear your deep-rooted childhood issues plagued your relationship. This is truly the time you dig back into the past and find out why you have this great fear of abandonment. If you are already aware of the cause, it’s time you make a concrete plan either alone or with a professional, figure out how to solve the problem, and leave it in the past for good.
Him saying “I love you more than anything” doesn’t help your situation. One does not leave his loved one no matter what. What he meant to say was, “I care about you, and I don’t feel attracted to you at the moment.” I don’t know what it was that pushed him away to the point of the break-up. Whatever you were doing, you have to change for your own sake. If you were venting your frustrations on him, you must learn to suppress and relieve them in another way. You have got to do as you say – move on and improve rapidly. Take what you can from your relationship and transform into a better version of yourself.
The memories you boxed away, you have to put out of reach. Give it to a friend or throw them away, as holding on to the past is going to keep you there. Mailing the things that belong to him is not a breach of NC. You standing at his door uninvited is. It’s a selfless act without any requests or expectations. You are merely returning what is his, so you have nothing to worry about. It will not anger him further.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey. Try and look at him blocking you this way; if he was to see you or be reminded of you it’s just a painful memory that he failed in love and so actually blocking you is a sign that he really cares. I know, I’m 8 months into no-contact (as the dumpee) and have gained this sense of perspective myself as someone who has been blocked and I really don’t resent it at all because both parties deserve to heal. He is protecting himself from prolonging pain. Do not send him anything. Just get rid of everything or ask your parents or someone close to you to do you a solid and look after it or store it all somewhere but don’t mail him anything!!!! It would be a huge mistake. As the weeks and months roll by you will be tempted to reach out, to rationalise and to apologies. Don’t! Again, both parties deserve to heal and it’s during this time that you should be focusing on yourself and looking at no contact as far more than a tool to retract someone but an opportunity to really work on yourself. Go and subscribe to Craig Kenneth, The Love Chast and The Dating Guy on YouTube and absorb as much of their content as possible and stick to it!! DO NOT subscribe to anyone else or try any of the terrible get your ex back crap, seriously, the only mature and sensible route to go down that demonstrates respect for yourself and your ex and shows you have high value is to never reach out to him again. He will go through the grieving stage mentioned above but it might takes months or longer than a year but it really is the only option that will always produce the best outcome regardless of the pain. It’s going to be really painful and hard for you over the next few months but if you stick to no contact and make personal development a priority you will have a huge sense of pride in the months to come and believe me when you look back with hind sight you will be so glad you didn’t reach out or send anything and perhaps like me you will even learn to appreciate everything that happened and wouldn’t change it depending on the personal changes you make. Do not contact him on his birthday, if someone in his family dies; nothing. You have to stop all contact and show both him and yourself respect and embrace the space between you and move through the pain productively. This is your best chance.
I want to add to this the importance of not sending him anything. He will contact you if he wants any of it back in which case you just say something like “Sure, let me know what you’d like specifically and I’ll mail it to you”, nothing else.. Don’t get rid of his stuff but just find someone to look after it in the meantime. Don’t make excuses for yourself to send him anything because you will trick yourself that it’s just an innocent act of returning his stuff but it’s a form of manipulation. You are trying to get him to think of you and right now he doesn’t want to think of you because he’s trying to heal and he WILL see it that way at the moment so I really discourage you from listening to Zen on that point. Let him contact you, if he really wants his stuff he will find a way to get in touch. Good luck.
*Zan
Hi Isaac.
Thank you for the well thought out reply 🙂
Zan
I really like the way you reply to comments on your posts. My question is there are three places or times in the stages your ex may reach out. 1st is during the Nostalgia and comparison stage… The dumper may reach out to see if your still available… What is the best response when they do this as they are only inquiring for their own purpose, but most likely not ready to reconnect? 2nd is during the Neutrality stage…They may be more open to reconnecting… what is the best response during this time? and 3rd The regret and sadness stage…when they send a subliminal message to test the waters…. what would be the best response especially if you want the relationship to work out in the long run? I know this may require a whole new article to cover all of these questions but please send me link if you do have to go that route. Thanks in advance. Scott
Hi Scott.
Thanks for the great topic recommendation.
An ex may reach out during the stages you mentioned more often than during the first two. The relief and happiness stage could be just to sort out unfinished business, such as finances, kids, property, etc.
When your ex reaches out for no apparent reason, it’s time to showcase change. No bitterness, no break-up talk, no miss-yous, etc. Simply having a positive outlook on life will do. Tell her all the amazing activities you have been indulging in since she left, mention all the new friends you’ve made, goals you’ve accomplished without being too obvious. She will ask about it, so it’s safe to mention these things. The conversation will die after a while, so don’t try to force it to keep it going. She won’t feel the same need to keep it alive, so back off when you get the hint.
If she reaches out in the neutrality stage, it could be out of boredom or in some cases jealously – when you’re dating another girl. Be fun, and entertain her in a joking manner. Show her you are over the break-up. If you’re dating another girl, mention that if she asks about it, but don’t try to rub it in her face in any way.
When she is clearly regretting her decision or openly admits she wants you back, don’t jump the gun. You could hear things like “we had some really good times huh?” Followed by wishes to do it again. This is what differentiates this stage from nostalgia – your ex wanting to make plans. Allow her to guide you back, without being too available for her. I would always suggest you wait for an ex to make the first move, rather than you following your intuition. You always feel the need to reconnect, she doesn’t.
You have to be yourself. I can’t give you the pre-made replies to her reaching out. Sure the first message matters, but not as much you think. Just don’t let her drag you down and bring out the worst in you, as exes have the tendency to do that.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi.. i need your point of view fro my case.
Me and my ex have been together for nearly 2 .5 yrs have been facing relationship issues since 6 months because her attitude changed completely. However, towards end of October , she improved her attitude towards me and things were improving until start of November when we got into a fight and from then she ignored me and got distant and when i tried to reach out, she told me that she no longer had feelings for me and it was better we stop. I also asked her if she got someone else, which she denied.
I initiated No contact only to find her 2 weeks later holding hands with a guy in a shopping mall. She did not expect i would bump into them that day. She was shocked and when i tried talking to her, she treated me like shit infront of the guy and they both went away.
One week later i found them again in a pub having a good time. I continued no contact , more to heal myself.
I was very down and i am starting to feel better since a few days as i have been going out with friends and also training a lot at the gym. I have not seen her since the pub and i am also not trying to know anything about her life.
Do you think she will go through the dumper stages?
Hi Vicki
It’s possible your ex was getting to know another person when you tried reaching out to her. My thoughts are, she started connecting with this guy when you had your last fall out. This made it much easier for her to let go of the old wagon, and connect to a new one.
When she saw you, she blamed you for everything, and made you look like the bad guy. It’s a typical “it’s not me, it’s you” situation, and there is not much you can do right now. If she wants to be in a new relationship, allow her to do so.
She’s already experiencing the stages mentioned in the article. This is her relief stage, as she feels free to be away from your relationship. As a result of feeling trapped and opposed, she feels extreme anger towards you. It’s best you back up, and allow her to process her emotions naturally, without you in her life.
She brought baggage from your relationship into the new one. Unless their relationship is like a fairy tale (which it isn’t) chances are she is going to repeat her behaviour, as she had no time to change her bad behavioural patterns.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan for the very interesting comments. You have confirmed what i was suspecting.
But do you think she will regret what she’s done to me and want to initiate contact again at a later stage?
Hi Vicki.
She will most definitely initiate contact at some point in the future. It will be when you least expect it, and when you’re feeling much better. When she does, she probably won’t be ready to get back together yet, so don’t expect that to be the case.
Unless she wants to get back together, she won’t regret what she’s done. In her eyes, she’s the victim, and you the culprit. She won’t see your value until another person/more people break her heart. People usually learn the hard way, and she is one of those people.
I hope you find somebody who will appreciate your efforts.
Best of luck,
Zan
I saw her in the bus today after a long time. She sat in front of me. I ignored her completely. She was on the phone most probably with the new guy and she seemed to enjoy the conversation. That left me completely broke this afternoon.
Hi.
I wouldn’t normally suggest fighting fire with fire, however in this case, you must remain confident, full of self-esteem and strong/stronger than her.
She doesn’t know how you feel inside when you don’t interact with her. If you pay close attention to your non-verbal communication, she will never know. And if you manage to put on a smile, it’s that much better.
Zan
Hello, Zan.
I guess my question is, why is my ex- boyfriend so anger and bitter toward me after he was the one who pulled the plug. We broke up about two months ago due to be a toxic relationship in his eye. But after we broke up we talked alittle here and there while i was going through a really hard grieving stage. And his responses were always nice, alittle stand offish, but telling me that we needed to move on and also during that this time he was going out partying, hooking up, out of the normal on what he use to do. Well months have pass since the first two months of the break up, and i’ve started building myself up, Changing to be a on a positive mindset of myself, and also focused more on my fitness and myself. And now when we talk he is so mean and bitter toward me. Basically his responses he will tell me makes it seem like he points fingers at my about the relationship ending but he was the one to leave. He also told me he wishes he never met me. Which has me really puzzle on why he’s acting this way. He recently just told me that he never wants to hear from me again and hopefully one day we’ll forget we ever existed. Im just really confused on his behavior.
Hi Monique.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
At the beginning of the break-up, you were extremely hurt and wanted him back, so he felt good about himself. You wanting him empowered him while he was running wild and partying. He thought he could have you back, and felt good about himself. Since he knew he could have you back or at least took pleasure in knowing he broke up with you. It gave him power and control over the situation, hence why he acted cold towards you. So if you wanted to rebuild the chemistry/attraction with him back then, he felt it and said no. That ended up giving him more power.
Months later, as you are beginning to feel better and no longer require his validation, he became angry. He’s asking for love and attention, and you aren’t giving it to him. This devalidates him, so what do people do when they feel threatened? They become angry and cause mayhem. Since he’s also in a victim mentality, he points fingers at you, expecting you to take the blame like you used to. The other mean things he is saying are also a part of his insecurities leaking out. He says all those hurtful things because he wants you to care, and cry over his hurtful demeanour. So while he wants you to care, he doesn’t care himself. Does that make any sense? It’s an emotionally-needy state in which he puts you down. Best to avoid him for a while until he develops self-control (which won’t happen any time soon at this rate).
Don’t take what he says literally. Think about it as a kid wanting a toy, throwing a tantrum. A child will say crazy things to get what he wants. Your ex wants you to chase him in a very impolite way.
Zan
I forgot to mention. He did block me after saying all of that. So do you think he will come around again and realize his faults and apologies. Or may contact me again?
Hi.
I can’t promise you anything. He is acting very immaturely towards you. I understand his behaviour clearly. He said those things to hurt you, so you would apologize and run after him. He proceeded to block you, to further hurt you. In doing so, he got the last bit of power from you, and ran. Because anger doesn’t last very long, he will at some point return again. The problem is him realising what he has done, and wanting to fix himself. He blames you, so he is far from feeling the need to improve himself. This will only happen when you or someone else denies him the love and affection, and tell him it’s over. People act from desperation, not anger when they blame others.
When and if he comes around its for the wrong reasons. I wouldn’t let him back in so he can learn a lesson. If he never learns a lesson, he is going to keep going the way he has been.
Zan
Hi, thank you for the response. Last question… Do you think he’s going through the 5 stages? Because by the end of the day I still love him, but I want to give him his space.
Hi Monique.
He seems to be in a furious state right now. He has already begun experiencing relief when he started hooking up, and acting strange. He liked your attention at the time, but never intended to get back with you, while he was seeing others. In other words he strung you along, and now that those relationships probably haven’t worked out, became bitter towards you. Allow him to deal with his own insecurities and fears. His anger is a projection of his own fear and shortcomings.
You have to give him space, and hope he won’t destroy the rest of your value by deliberately putting you down and acting on impulse.
As you distance yourself from him, you should reconsider where you stand with this person. Do you appreciate this kind of behaviour, or would you rather walk away, and allow him to hopefully better himself. If you magically got back together today, things would be very sharp. He would have a raised ego and a ton of bad karma. You would be scared he would leave again, and as a result, walk on eggshells. It won’t and can’t happen any time soon. Neither of you are ready yet, as much as you want it right now.
Zan
Will the dumper ever forget about the dumpee,
Hi Monique
It’s one of the greatest fears for the dumpees to feel forgotten and replaced. We all want to feel like we contributed to our ex’s life enough to make an impact in their lives. Your ex will forget about you in the initial stages of the break-up. Great sense of relief and happiness are preventing him from thinking about you, hence why he doesn’t miss you right away. When he finds himself single/alone/depressed, he will think back about the times when he felt secure and stable.
As time goes on (year/s), and he begins to replace you with new memories/people/gf, he will not think about you as much as before. It’s one of the best ways to distract yourself from thinking about your ex – and this is what you should do as well.
Just because he has new things to think about, he will still remember you every now and then. He will remember your humour, favourite songs, restaurant, something you were good at, etc. These things are impossible to forget, even years after the break-up. You won’t just vanish out of existence in his mind. He will however be reminded of you less frequently with the passage of time.
Stay strong, Monique!
Zan
Hi Zan, this is a really informative post, thanks.
I Made a lot of progress with my ex at one point, we were speaking everyday, talking about everything, subtle flirting…then got drunk one day and drunk dialled her and said some stupid stuff to her, then she blocked me for a while, after she unblocked me we haven’t been able to speak everyday and be close…Then recently, I ran into her parents at a Wedding, and at the reception, me and my friends got drunk and her mom saw and went to go and tell her that we got drunk, and she claims I was fighting with someone and using very vulgar language…So the drinking thing has been a problem, we dated for four years and even during that time there were times, whenever I drank which wasn’t everyday but when I did get drunk It would cause problems cause would do stupid things…Now this incident probably dissapointed her again, and now she straight up says she wants nothing to do with me…I just wanna know if it is still possible to make things right…We broke up around April – May 2018…So as I’m typing this comment, its been about 8 months since we have broken up…Can I still fix her opinion and perspective of me and rebuild trust, love, attraction and respect with her?
and after that drunk dial incident, she has been very cold and mean to me. She has also been seeing other people, and partying every weekend, which she never used to do. She has a very high opinion of herself now, got some Instagram fame and things…We dated for four years, but after the breakup, I made mistakes and pushed her away. I made alot of progress with her, then made some big mistakes that killed the progress…And now she is cold with me…Can I still fix things after those mistakes?
Also, just some extra information, we were broken up for 3 or 4 months before we started becoming close again and speaking everyday, we even went to see a movie together, but then I drunk dialled her and things haven’t been the same since then…I really wanna fix things with her, is it possible to change her perception of me and gain her trust, love and respect back? Also, while we were talking everyday it seemed like she was reverting back to her normal self, not partying every weekend, she would chill at home and rather chat to me, but after the drunk dial she went back to partying all the time, going out all the time, she doesn’t have a new bf but has been going on dates…and ja, she unblocked me just before the wedding incident to compliment me on my profile picture, then after the wedding incident she blocked me again, cus she was probably dissapointed about me getting drunk and fighting in front of her parents…Is there a chance to fix things still?
Hi Kyle.
It’s not for me to say whether the girl will forgive you or not. There’s only so much she will tolerate before she reaches the boiling point. Your question for now shouldn’t be “how to change her perception of me”, but rather “how to control my drinking problem and change the way I view myself?” See, you’ve made some great progress, and then you repeated the mistake which got you in this mess in the first place. After a while, people are going to stop giving you chances and attach a new persona to you. When that happens, it’s ridiculously difficult to get out of it.
One thing you must not do is verbally confront them and say you’re a changed man. People will not listen to your pleas, so make sure to convey the message through actions instead. If you have drinking issues – resolve them, anger – join the anger management program, lack of patience – volunteer, etc. You can’t rationally convince her and her family that you have learned your lesson. Develop self control, make sure you have 100% changed, and then think of a plan to change the way she looks at you. If you just keep failing and disappointing her, it’s going to set you back at least half a year each time (if not double that). You’re going to feel miserable, and so will she.
It’s possible to change her opinion of you. The more you messed up, the longer it takes. You have an angry ex, as well as disapproving parents. The biggest problem right now is yourself. So once again, fix yourself first before you give it your best to mend the relationship.
Zan
Thanks for the response Zan. You’re doing great work, helping people find clarity and not even charging a fee. I truly respect what you’re doing.
One more question, what about these new habits of hers, partying all the time, posting lots of “raunchy” pics on Instagram, she seems to have become egotistical as well, all that. Is she still going through the 5 stages of the break up as the “dumper”?
She used to be the type of girl to regularly go to church, she would party now and then, not every weekend, she was gorgeous inside and out, a true lady, but she was super fun to be around and she had a wild playful side, she wasn’t afraid to be silly sometimes either, she was the order to my rebellious ways. She never used to care about Instagram likes and she wasn’t the type to post “raunchy” pictures and stuff. I have nothing against all of that, people can post whatever they want. She wasn’t reserved, or conservative or whatever, she was just raised with strong family values and morals and ethics, her grandma raised her mostly, and her grandma also passed away last year, she always just had a balance of being able to be wild and fun, and being responsible and humble as well as having her bitchy, bossy moments, but never super egotistical, and she also was very soft at heart, she enjoyed the cute, cheesy type of stuff now and then, whenever I would do a romantic gesture which was now and then, cus I believed it loses its effect if done too much, it would always make her super happy…But that soft girl I dated seems to have become cold and hard and it might just be towards me, I dunno, but a friend of mine also said she has become egotistical …Maybe because of the attention she is getting on Instagram it seems like she has become a a bit egotistical. Is this just a phase? and all part of the “5 stages”?
Please let know if she is still going through the 5 phases
Dumpers often become unrecognizable as they start doing things they never did before. The relief stage is not just something she feels towards you, but in general as well. She received a huge ego boost, confidence, new energy and determination by ending the relationship, and starting fresh. She is being extremely self-absorbed, so she may appear out of character, wild or arrogant to some people. To you, she is cold and bitter, and perhaps she is projecting this behaviour on others as well. In most cases, they don’t, however it’s possible others are seeing a new side to her character.
You should be aware that the way she treats you at her worst, she will treat others too. You truly get to know her once she no longer loves you.
Right now, she is going through the 5 stages as described. She’s powered by the relief stage, hence the change in character. I can’t say whether it’s going to stick with her. Her Instagram fame might. Other changes, such as constant partying most likely won’t.
Zan