5 Stages of Dumpers’ Remorse: When Does It Set In?

Most dumpees want to see dumpers’ remorse—even those who don’t want their ex back and just want to watch their ex beg them back. This is how they intend to get their power and control back and feel better about the injustice that was done to them.

Seeing their ex return or conversely, rejecting their ex feels empowering to them, so more often than not, they’re willing to wait for months for their ex to get hit with remorse just so they can say, “I told you so, it was your fault.”

Doing so boosts their ego and self-esteem (their perception of themselves) and enables them to push forward with strength and pride. An ex coming back basically tells them that they’re attractive physically and mentally and that their ex was the one who couldn’t notice their worth at the time of the breakup.

Whether you’re waiting to reject your ex or reunite with him or her, you need to know that before dumpers become remorseful, they have to go through certain remorse stages. They have to go through whatever learning experience life has in store for them because that’s the only way regret can kick in.

If dumpers just sit home and binge-watch Netflix all day, the chances of them failing in life are smaller than if they go out and fall for someone who isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship.

Of course, nobody wants to see their ex have fun with other people (especially if they want their ex back), but unfortunately, that’s one of the few ways dumpers remorse can set in. Failure, pain, and regrets contribute to a change in perception and mentality, which is why these things are the catalyst for remorse and the solution to the self-empowerment you’re looking for.

So if you want your ex to experience dumpers’ remorse, bear in mind that naturally, dumpers start with the stage you detest the most – the independence stage. In this stage, dumpers don’t feel any remorse at all. If anything, they feel exactly the opposite as they’d been dying to break up with the dumpee and get a breath of fresh air. They’d thought about freedom and craved independence for a very long time, hence the name independence stage.

But after some time (after they’ve distanced themselves from their ex and got what they wanted), dumpers start letting go of anger, resentments, and other overwhelming breakup emotions and reach a more calm and collected stage during which they neither hate nor love their ex.

They just feel at peace with themselves and self-prioritize. We call that remorse stage (which isn’t a remorse stage at all) the neutrality stage.

In this stage, dumpers feel neutral about their ex and the negative experience they went through. They had had time to emotionally distance themselves from their ex, so they feel okay with the breakup situation and the way things have developed.

The most important thing to note is that in the neutrality stage, dumpers are back to their usual pre-breakup selves. They no longer desire space and freedom and can just live their lives without the overwhelming desire to run away from their ex.

It’d be hard to create a timeline for dumpers’ remorse stages because I’d be lying if I said that everyone reaches the stages you’re about to learn of at the same time or in the same order. Some people process breakups quickly and others slowly which means that your ex could come back in two weeks after a rebound relationship or years later when life gives him or her lemons.

When your dumper ex becomes remorseful depends on:

• your ex’s maturity and coping mechanism
• whether you annoy your ex and/or do something to lose your ex’s respect (make breakup mistakes)
• the things happening in your ex’s life (the more stressed your ex gets, the more likely that your ex will reflect and realize that he or she has made a big mistake)

In this post, we’ll talk about dumpers’ remorse stages and signs of regret. We’ll do it chronologically so that you have an understanding of how far your ex got in the regret process.

Dumpers’ remorse psychology

Before we get to the dumpers’ remorse stages, we need to talk about something very, very important. Things will make a lot more sense to you if you keep in mind that the dumper always starts where the dumpee ends – with relief and elation. (read this article for a more detailed side-by-side comparison between the dumpee and the dumper).

Anyway, right after the breakup, the dumpee is feelings defeated and disoriented. He has no idea what to do to occupy or distract himself when experiencing separation anxiety. All he knows is that he’s in pain and that he must do something/anything to obtain his ex’s attention and recognition.

The dumper, on the other hand, isn’t a love-deprived junkie, begging to receive a dosage of love hormones. He doesn’t have to worry about how to heal and feel better. He can just instinctually enjoy his newfound peace and freedom (that’s his medication) and do whatever feels right to him. The dumper is in full control of his life and may feel victimized, which is why he may avoid the dumpee like the plague and engage in activities that disassociate him from his ex.

By broadening his horizons, the dumper essentially focuses on himself so much that he avoids thinking about the dumpee and only worries about his own wants and needs. And this is how it should be. If the dumper doesn’t pull away when emotions run high, he can burn out emotionally and develop resentments too big for time and negative post-breakup experiences to fix.

This is why no contact after the breakup is so important. It lets your ex go through the dumper breakup stages at a pace that feels natural to him and allows him to be who he wants to be.

With that said, let’s now discuss the 5 stages of dumpers’ remorse.

The 5 stages of dumpers’ remorse

Keep in mind that four out of five stages of breakup remorse can affect some dumpers sooner than others. By recalling this when you need to, you can keep your expectations and hopes for reconciliation low and protect yourself from unwanted setbacks dumpees encounter on their healing journey.

Most dumpees have good and bad days. The number of these days is different for each person, but if you know what triggers them, you can do your best to avoid as many as emotionally possible. You just have to follow the rules of no contact religiously.

1)The independence stage

The first stage of dumpers’ remorse is the independence stage. This stage is a very painful stage for dumpees as their dumper appears to be on cloud 9. She feels relieved from delaying the breakup for weeks or months, so she releases her pent-up frustrations in a form of relief and lets the world know she’s a free spirit.

The dumper usually doesn’t intend to harm the dumpee. But if her ex doesn’t leave her alone fast enough, she tends to lose patience and reacts with anger. Anger is a sign that she feels wronged and that she’s not getting the space and respect she badly craves.

If you got dumped, you need to give your ex what she needs from you so that:

1. Her perception of you doesn’t worsen.
2. You remain strong and in control of your emotions.

You must keep your composure immediately after the breakup because your ex is in the most irritable stage of all stages. She just dumped you which means that any wrong move could infuriate her and affect the way she sees you and feels about you.

So don’t suffocate your ex by talking to her and guilt-tripping her. If she dumped you, she did it because she couldn’t find any other way to make her relationship work. Maybe she’d put in a lot of effort or maybe she didn’t. But in her mind, she’d tried everything she could and concluded that the only way to be happy is to abandon the relationship.

In the independence stage, your ex could become completely unrecognizable. She could go out with friends a lot, meet new people, significantly upgrade her fashion style, adopt new words, and behave differently. That would indicate that she feels extremely relieved (that she feels empowered by the breakup) and that she wants to separate from you and create her own identity.

This usually happens to couples who were together for many years and those who were codependent. When adult dumpers start acting like teenagers again, they feel excited to be rid of the burden (their dumpee) and need to let off some steam by living on the edge.

Try not to take your ex’s relief personally. Relief doesn’t indicate that the relationship was horrible or that you were a bad partner to your ex. All it means is that your ex’s perception of you has begun to suffocate your ex and cause her to seek happiness in other things.

Here are a few interesting things about the dumper in the independence/relief stage.

2)The enjoyment stage

The second remorse stage is the enjoyment stage. Dumpers in this stage focus on instant emotional and sexual gratifications, which means that they often get involved with other people and see what single life is all about. They still occasionally feel relieved and happy that they’ve broken up with their ex, but they don’t deliberately show off, put their ex down (anymore), or do anything that shows they’re trying to prove that dumping their ex was the best choice ever.

In the enjoyment stage, they stop obsessing over their ex’s inadequate behavior and shift their focus onto themselves. This is why they appear like they’ve moved on ages ago and that they don’t care what their ex thinks about them anymore. They only care about themselves and those who can contribute to their lives.

Some dumpers (usually the more mature and self-aware ones) do feel a bit concerned about their ex during this or the previous stage. But most dumpers don’t because they think their life is theirs to live and that they need to enjoy it. In other words, they have a “carpe diem” or in slang terms, a YOLO (you only live once) mentality and as a result, do whatever it takes to let good emotions in and keep bad ones at bay.

If your ex is in the enjoyment stage, your ex will be less relieved, but still thrilled to be single. Your ex will try to do lots of fun activities and post them on social media. Of course, not all dumpers do that because it takes a certain type of person to flaunt online after the breakup, but dumpers who post how relieved they are tend to feel excited to the point where they feel they need to share their happiness with others.

3)The neutrality stage

Halfway to remorse is the neutrality stage. You may have come across this stage on the blog before as this stage is one of the most important breakup stages. It indicates that the dumper has made some emotional progress and gotten to the point where it becomes possible for him to get hurt and become remorseful.

You see, the dumper can’t regret breaking up with you and hurting you when he’s full of relief and happy about receiving attention from other people. He can regret doing what he did only when he emotionally processes relief and elation and becomes his usual self that is not controlled by the breakup.

That’s when the dumper becomes vulnerable to internal and external stimuli such as stress, rejections, depression, and other negative emotions and experiences you and I can get hurt by.

So don’t think that your ex is supposed to experience dumper’s remorse right after the breakup. Very few dumpers feel guilty when they consider themselves victims. They feel guilty or hurt much later when they’ve had the chance to explore what life has to offer and got hurt or naturally processed the breakup.

You as a dumpee must make sure your ex gets to this stage on his own by staying out of his life. Only then will your ex be able to enjoy his life without interruptions (and if his mentality is healthy), improve his opinion of you.

In the neutrality stage, dumpers start improving the way they see their ex. They start wondering what their ex is up to, if she’s with anyone new, and through such thoughts develop curiosity. If their curiosity increases enough, they then reach out, asking their ex how he’s doing.

And that’s what could kindle the dumper’s interest and cause him to develop respect. As you know, respect isn’t given on a silver platter. It’s earned when the dumpee leaves the dumper alone and remains strong during no contact. If enough respect is created, the dumper then “only” needs one final ingredient.

Love.

And he can develop love by failing in ways that are important to him and realizing that he took his ex for granted.

4)Ending the silence stage

The fourth stage is the stage most dumpees look forward to since day one. They want to hear from their ex because they think that hearing from their ex means their ex cares about them. Little do they know that receiving a call or text from an ex and showing support right after the breakup are two completely different things.

Dumpers often reach out to their exes after the breakup. They want friendship, forgiveness, or some kind of truce, so they send their ex breadcrumbs, avoid breakup topics, and pretend everything is back to normal. Their normal behavior, of course, is far from normal. It only confuses hopeful dumpees as it makes them think that their ex still values them romantically.

The truth though is that dumpees usually aren’t as important to their dumper as they think they are. More often than not, their ex merely wants a companion, reassurance, or a clear conscience. That’s why she reaches out, talks for a while, and disappears for a while after the conversation.

Remember this if you’re still waiting for your ex to reach out.

The first text after no contact is usually just a meaningless message that aims to end the silence and get on good terms. The dumper still needs to find the emotional incentive to feel the desire to reconnect with her ex. And as we’ve mentioned already, she can find that incentive if something bad happens to her and forces her to face a situation she isn’t mentally ready for.

If your ex is in this stage, it’s likely been at least a couple of months since she broke up with you. She’s had enough time to feel ready to communicate occasionally and see whether it’s safe for her to befriend you. As a person who was dumped, you, of course, shouldn’t naively accept your ex’s friendship and think that your ex will soon want you back. An invitation to friendship doesn’t indicate dumper’s remorse.

It shows that the dumper is ready to talk to you and that she’s going to hurt you if you still have expectations of her. This stage can be very bad for you as it can disturb your healing when you learn that your ex still doesn’t want you back.

Learn more: What to do after no contact when your ex contacts you?

5)The remorse stage

Finally, the last stage the dumper encounters is the remorse stage. Here, the dumper takes the initiative and tries to set up a meeting. Or if he’s very hurt and impatient, he just skips the formality, apologizes right away, and tries to get back with the dumpee as soon as possible. He doesn’t waste any time as he’s in too much pain to dillydally.

It’s obvious when the dumper is in the remorse stage. You can tell he’s regretful because he looks at you with puppy eyes and doesn’t enjoy spending time without you. He constantly wants to be near you because your presence provides reassurance and lowers anxiety.

All you have to do when an ex is remorseful is wait for your ex to bring up reconciliation. Don’t even encourage your ex to open up to you. It has to be of his own accord so that he overcomes pride or fears of rejection. If you make it easy for your ex by telling your ex you want to get back together, you’ll show that you want your ex back more than he wants you and that you’re not as independent and in control of your emotions as he’d thought you were.

Don’t think of this as some kind of manipulation game. All you’re doing is refusing to put yourself in a position where you can get rejected again. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Your ex knows it’s his turn to make things right, so let him.

Let him do it no matter how long it takes.

Fortunately, it shouldn’t take very long. When the dumper wants you back, he feels an overwhelming urge to reconcile. That’s why you can expect your remorseful ex to attempt to reconcile shortly after getting hurt. We’re talking about a week or less.

Usually, dumpers come running back a day or two after getting hurt as they need their ex back to heal right away and don’t want to stay hurt.

When does dumpers’ remorse set in?

We’ve answered this question many times before, but it can’t hurt to do it again. Dumpees ease their anxiety through understanding and repetition.

So to get straight to the point, dumpers’ remorse sets in when dumpers get themselves in trouble and get hurt. That’s when they begin reflecting with sadness on their life choices and start questioning their happiness. If they discern they were happier in the past, they become nostalgic and self-doubtful and ask themselves questions like, “Was my ex actually good for me? Did I make a mistake?”

The longer they think about their ex and the unhappier they are with their post-breakup life, the more likely it is that they develop a desire to bond with their ex and feel validated.

This is why we can say that dumpers’ remorse sets in when dumpers allow it to set in. When something goes wrong on their end and they contemplate if the past > present is when they create feelings for their ex and message their ex to obtain what they lack – happiness.

You need to wait for your dumper’s remorse to kick in because that’s when you’ll have something to work with. Waiting will get easier with time. But if you do your best to avoid breakup mistakes by following the indefinite no contact rule, you’ll eventually detach and be in a position strong enough to attract your ex when your ex discerns your worth and needs a shoulder to lean on.

Are you waiting for dumpers’ remorse? How long are you prepared to wait? Let me know if any of your exes have come back before and if you had any luck with them.

However, if you’d like our help analyzing your breakup and wish to talk in private, visit our coaching page to learn more about coaching.