Ex Says He Misses Me But Makes No Effort

People who get dumped often assume that “I miss you” means the same as “I love you and want you back.” They’re convinced that an ex who misses them is in pain because of the breakup and regrets leaving. That’s why they get their hopes up, feel extremely anxious, and keep a weather eye on their ex.

They wait for the moment when their ex admits to still having feelings and wanting to work on the relationship.

Dumpees who do that typically don’t know that their ex can miss them non-romantically as well. Their ex can feel nostalgic, curious, and guilty and may reach out just to check up on them. In breakup terms, their ex breadcrumbs them and puts their brain into overthinking mode.

Because dumpees are in a vulnerable state, they expect their ex to ease their pain and make them feel needed and validated. But sadly, this seldom happens as their ex makes no effort to get to know them on an intimate level.

Their ex only cares about them as a friend or even less than that.

This hurts them badly and makes them feel that they would have felt better had their ex not reached out and told them he or she missed them.

So if your ex says he misses you but makes no effort to connect on a deeper level, know that your ex isn’t just scared of opening up to you and getting rejected. If your ex was afraid, your ex would continue talking to you, bonding, and creating a safe space to profess feelings.

Your ex would do everything in his power to show he feels repentant about making a selfish decision and hurting you so badly.

Since your ex isn’t showing any regret, love, or affection, it’s obvious that your ex hasn’t redeveloped romantic feelings for you. Your ex still thinks the breakup needed to happen and that he is happier with the way things are. 

That means your ex is currently going through the early dumper stages during which he feels empowered rather than depressed. He feels relieved and can’t even imagine recommitting to the relationship and feeling the way he felt when he left.

You need to understand that your ex is starting on the opposite side of the breakup. While you’re struggling with separation anxiety, nostalgia, intrusive thoughts, and an overwhelming desire to reconnect with your ex, your ex is enjoying life and the space the breakup provides.

If you try to stop your ex from feeling empowered and having fun, you’ll learn that your ex doesn’t miss you the way you wish he did. He only feels a bit nostalgic or sad that things ended or about the way they ended.

Romantic regret takes much more than a bit of nostalgia. It requires the dumper to experience something negative that disrupts his ability to be happy without you. This can be anything (painful) that triggers a deep longing for the way life used to be before the breakup.

For most dumpers, it’s normally something self-esteem-breaking that makes them want to revisit the past.

So if you’re hoping that your ex’s nostalgia is a sign of wanting to be with you, know that it likely isn’t. Nostalgia on its own doesn’t show regret and the drive to invest in himself and you.

It only shows that your ex naturally made some post-breakup progress or that he experienced something that made him think about you and remember your good side.

Either way, it doesn’t matter because your ex’s lack of effort speaks for itself. It says that your ex hasn’t had any strong realizations yet and that your ex prefers to keep space from you. Space lets him go through the breakup on his terms and allows him to reach out for unimportant reasons. 

Reasons such as:

• nostalgia
• curiosity
• guilt
• friendship
• friendship with benefits
• unfinished business
• kids
• advice
• emotional or financial support

An ex who respects you but doesn’t need you will tell you what you want to hear. He’ll compliment you and say nice things but won’t do anything to back up his words.

He won’t need to because he won’t feel the desire to prove his love to you. He’ll be fine without convincing you that you’re important and obtaining your trust and reassurance.

That’s how you can tell that an ex (male or female) has no romantic expectations of you and that you’re not getting back together anytime soon.

Today, we talk about what it means and what to do when an ex says he misses you but makes no effort to match his words with actions. 

When an ex says he misses you but makes no effort

The reason your ex said he missed you had more to do with him than you. Something or someone must have made him remember you and triggered his nostalgia. Whether it was the space during no contact, shame, or a quarrel with a friend, it made him see that you’re not a horrible human being and that you did have some good times together.

Those good times now tell your ex that he misses your personality and the comfort you provided. They don’t, however, tell him that he needs to get back together with you. Getting back together (a reconciliation) would mean that he has to open his heart and invest romantically in you. 

It would require him to forget all the bad times, disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from you, and be willing to start anew.

As he currently is, he’s not ready to wipe the slate clean. It’s not just a matter of time before he sees you differently, but a matter of will as well as he doesn’t want to see you differently.

A new (healthier) perception needs a new narrative; one that changes his role from a victim to a perpetrator. Once he knows he’s responsible for the breakup and his lack of feelings and happiness, he can then feel motivated to do something about it.

But as long as he thinks you’re to blame for the breakup and that he can do better, there will be no getting back together. It won’t happen because the guy will not ask for it.

Instead of getting on his knees and begging for forgiveness and reconciliation, he’ll remain in a position of power, keep his distance, and do things that feel good and give him purpose.

A busy post-breakup life will enable him to live life on his terms and prevent him from engaging in introspection and improving his shortcomings.

So don’t expect a guy to come running back just because you left him alone. Don’t expect him to want you after he told you he missed you and thought about you.

Words alone don’t mean much. They’re flattery and conceal a bigger problem—which is his lack of interest and feelings. Dumpers don’t give compliments just because compliments are nice. They give them and say things like “I miss you” and “I love you” because they want something from you.

And that something usually isn’t love.

It’s forgiveness, friendship, information, or some kind of support. Whatever it is, it doesn’t help you get over the breakup and get your ex back. It just gives you hope and complicates your detachment process.

Instead of encouraging you to let go and not think about your ex, it makes you crazy obsessed with your ex and forces you to dig for answers you don’t have the answers for.

So if your ex says he misses you but makes no effort to show that he does, know that he doesn’t miss you in ways you want him to. He only misses you as a friend or wants you to think that he misses you so he can get something from you.

Something that benefits him at your expense.

I’m not saying dumpers are evil, but I’ve been researching their behavior long enough to know that they often put themselves first. They do so even if it means hurting the person who loves them the most. In their mind, they need to do what is necessary to assuage guilt and be happy.

That’s why they often say confusing things like:

• I still like you
• I love you more than anything
• I won’t date anyone for years
• I just want to focus on myself
• It’s not you, it’s me
• I’d be with you if the circumstances were different
• You’re perfect in every way

Such comments try to shift the blame and make the breakup seem less personal than it actually is. They basically deny their ex closure and prevent their ex from making necessary personal improvements. It’s worse than bluntly telling the reasons for breaking up.

At least the dumpee can understand the reasons, accept them, work on them, and move on.

If your ex gave you some random breakup excuse or told you he missed you, your ex tried to make the breakup sound better mainly for himself.

Sure, he wanted to avoid hurting you, but for the most part, he was just looking out for himself as he didn’t want you to react negatively. He wanted you to accept the breakup peacefully and show him you had no hard feelings toward him.

I don’t know what you call such a person, but I call him an unempathetic, self-centered, cowardly liar. He tells people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. This makes him a person who’s afraid of speaking the truth because the truth could bring a negative reaction out of people and inconvenience him.

Here are 5 reasons why your ex misses you but makes no effort.

My ex said he misses me, what should I say?

When an ex says he misses you but makes no effort to turn the breakup into a relationship, it’s clear that he doesn’t miss you as a romantic partner. He only misses parts of you that made his life more convenient.

If he wanted you back, he would have shown you that by apologizing about leaving you, promising to do better (regaining your trust), and investing time and emotions in you. He would have made his intentions about wanting you back obvious.

Since he’s not showing any regret and romantic interest in you, you can be certain that his missing is highly conditional and that he’s not thinking about getting back together.

For that reason, you mustn’t get your hopes up and think that the guy is open to praise and capable of being persuaded back into a relationship with you.

In a reply to your ex’s “I miss you,” you should say that you appreciate him telling you that but that you think you should stop talking and get some space from each other. Tell him you must focus only on yourself now that you’re broken up and that you’ll reach out if you ever want to talk.

Once you’ve expressed your disinterest in talking about meaningless things, part ways and start the notorious no contact rule. This rule will slowly but surely help you understand that nice words from an ex don’t mean a thing. They’re words your ex says with the intention to receive a reassuring response from you.

In other words, he makes you overanalyze things just to get something from you.

You don’t need to say much to a person like that other than not to contact you again. He needs to understand that you won’t talk about the good times and make yourself nostalgic and hurt. You got hurt enough by his rejection.

There’s no need to reopen your wounds and think about his words and actions for days.

You can just get your distance, remember that missing a person isn’t the same as loving him, and forget about the meaning behind his nostalgia. As long as he merely misses you he doesn’t want anything to do with you romantically.

That should tell you that talking to your ex is a waste of time.

Sure, it’s nice to know that he doesn’t hate you, but that piece of information doesn’t help you let go. It actually prolongs your healing and deters self-reflection and growth. So even though an ex who misses you may be trying to protect you from getting hurt, he’s really doing it to protect himself.

He doesn’t want you to say or do something that would hinder his freedom and happiness.

But if his words and actions cause so many problems, why does he need to tell you he misses you?

It’s because he needs to get it off his chest to assuage guilt and forgive himself for putting you in the situation you’re in. He needs to involve you to move on with a clean conscience.

That tells you he told you what you wanted to hear so he could get approval from you and view himself as a moral individual.

You need to avoid giving him a reaction and stay away from him by telling him you don’t want to stay friends and that you need time to yourself. A decisive response like that should help you feel better and force him to deal with his problems and unmet wants and needs on his own. 

Does your ex say he misses you but makes no effort to prove it to you? Why do you think he’s saying nice things to you? Let us know in the comments below. We’ll respond shortly.

And if you want 1-on-1 help with your relationship breakup, check out our coaching options on our coaching page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.