How To Start No Contact After The Breakup?

Whether you recently got dumped or if it’s been a while since your ex left, know that it’s never too late to start no contact with your ex.

It’s never too late to distance yourself from your ex and commence the much-needed healing process. Your health depends on this process because health is one of the few things in life that doesn’t come with a price.

Your health is so precious, it’s a million times more important than an ex who left you and blew your self-esteem to smithereens.

You must now prioritize your health and make sure not to hurt anyone (especially your ex). You must stay away from your ex because that’s the best for everyone involved.

So if you’re in pain but also in dilemma about whether you should start no contact, I encourage you to be brave and start following this rule immediately.

Start with a 30-day no contact rule, and if your ex doesn’t come back after the month is up (your ex probably won’t if your ex is serious about the breakup), extend the no contact rule.

Make it into a permanent no contact rule, also known as the indefinite no contact rule.

The first 30 days will allow you to get out of the first stage of a breakup for the dumpee (denial), help you get your strength back, and make you see your ex from a better perspective.

But the indefinite no contact rule will encourage you to kill reconciliation hope, boost your self-esteem, and allow you to fall in love with yourself again.

No matter how much you want to talk to your ex, you must convince yourself that your ex has to be the one to come to you after the breakup and that you won’t lose your ex permanently simply by going no contact.

The truth is that you can’t lose your ex more than you’ve already lost your ex. You can’t get dumped more. You can only make things worse by resorting to begging and pleading and making other common post-breakup mistakes that heartbroken dumpees shouldn’t be making after the breakup.

So try to make your ex respect you and also respect yourself by choosing a plan that gives your ex what your ex wants (space)—and in return, obtain what you secretly want (an anxiety-free life).

The long-term plan that can do that for you is called the no contact rule—and it’s saved more dumpees from separation anxiety, depression, and breakup mistakes than any other bogus text-your-ex-back or get-your-ex-back program you can purchase on the internet.

Make sure to give no contact a try for at least a couple of months. That’s because 2-months into no contact, you should be feeling much more emotionally independent and happy in general and should have all the proof you need that no contact is working.

This post is for dumpees who want to know how to start no contact and wonder whether no contact is the right approach for them.

How can no contact help you heal after the breakup?

No contact applies to everyone and almost every situation. It applies to exes who work together, exes who have kids, and even those exes who live together.

It’s a very straightforward, yet incredibly powerful self-imposed rule that faces the breakup head-on and prohibits you from reasoning with your smothered ex.

Unfortunately, many dumpees discover this rule way too late – when they’ve already tried every desperate technique in the book and exhausted all options.

Such dumpees feel like they don’t have a choice but to go no contact and leave their ex alone.

All in all, it’s much better for dumpees to have a choice rather than get blocked or threatened with a restraining order. That’s because dumpees who walk away willingly get a lot more respect than those who get pushed away by force.

Dumpers who get annoyed by their exes for weeks after the breakup get tired of feeling guilt-tripped, so they tend not to change their mind about their ex any time soon (if ever).

They don’t see a reason to because the thought of talking to their ex or being with their ex drains their energy and makes them uncomfortable.

Regardless of whether you pestered your ex or not, you need to do no contact.

The purpose of this rule is to save you from staying emotionally addicted to your ex by enabling you to pull away from your ex in the easiest and quickest way possible.

And if you’re asking why would you even need to pull away from your ex, it’s so that you can forget about your ex for a while and find a passion for life again.

Once you’ve become accustomed to the no contact rule, you’ll slowly get your old self back and start feeling better.

You’ll still experience occasional ups and downs because healing takes time, but on a positive note, you’ll feel more in control of your emotions and start to enjoy your life again.

If you choose to stay in contact with your ex, however, you won’t get your happiness back nor will you get your ex back. You’ll probably just keep your hopes for reconciliation alive and eventually (once you get tired of chasing your ex) come to a realization that you deserve better.

This means that you’ll stay hooked on your ex for affection for quite some time and keep pining over your ex until you naturally recover to the point where your sadness, depression, or anxiety turn into frustration.

So to avoid this unfortunate scenario, protect yourself in advance and let time, space, and healthy post-breakup thoughts and deeds do their job.

Let no contact inspire your ex to see you in a better light if your ex chooses to do so while you make use of this time to focus on yourself and those who want you in their life.

A great way to use your post-breakup time would be to better yourself as a person, find your meaning, help others, and prove to yourself and those around you that you’re a person worthy of love and respect.

Starting no contact

The best way to start no contact is quite frankly to just start it. You don’t need to prepare yourself for it and you certainly don’t need to tell your ex about it. Your ex doesn’t need to know how you feel and what you’re about to do.

Your ex doesn’t even care – especially if you’ve been reaching out to your ex and making your ex respond in very disinterested ways. My advice is to simply take a deep breath, start no contact without overthinking it, and resist the temptation to break the rules of no contact.

Stay in no contact even though every fiber in your body is telling you to get in touch with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

However, if your ex still talks to you to this date (willingly of his or her own accord) and your ex’s presence is hurting you, then you might want to go with plan b. Tell your ex that you’ve decided to self-prioritize and ask your ex not to talk to you anymore.

By doing so, you’ll tell your ex you’re not interested in friendship and that you respect yourself enough not to settle for anything less than you deserve.

Your ex needs to see that you respect yourself and that you’re strong enough to cut your ex off and focus only on yourself.

With that said, here are some tips on what to do when you start no contact after being broken up.

Keep in mind that no contact is mainly about you. It’s about getting yourself back first and about getting your ex back second.

You always come first—which is why you win whether you get your ex back or not. It’s only a matter of time before you’re fully healed and no longer need your ex to live a happy life. Most dumpees need about 8 months or so to recover.

But this depends on the intensity, length, and quality of the relationship. If the relationship was toxic, it could take you twice as long to get over it. Maybe even longer if you were codependent.

Anyway, the things you need to stay committed to the indefinite no contact rule are:

• determination and perseverance
• frequent positive affirmations
• self-control
• an understanding of what no contact is
• and the will to detach

If you possess the above traits and engage in lots of positive thinking, everything else will take care of itself. You won’t have to do much to stay in no contact. You’ll know what’s best for you and your ex—and will do just that.

You might find no contact difficult at first and doubt it from time to time, but try not to let your doubts control you. If you doubt no contact, you could break it just to reach out to your ex and get rejected again.

So avoid that by prioritizing your health and well-being and focusing on recovery. If you do that, you’ll understand that your ex doesn’t want you back at the moment and that you don’t have a choice but to mentally withdraw from the situation.

If there was a way to rationalize with your ex by telling your ex that you’ll change, improve, or be different—I would tell you to follow your heart and persuade your ex.

I’d advise you to take reconciliation matters into your own hands and simply reattract your ex back with confidence, high self-esteem, and bunch of sweet promises.

But what you’re dealing with is a breakup (a loss of feelings). And unless your ex specifically told you to do your best to win his or her trust back, you definitely won’t leave a good impression on your ex no matter what you say and do.

Your ex just won’t care because your ex has associated negative emotions with you and doesn’t want to disassociate them.

Staying in no contact can be difficult

No contact is difficult at times, there’s no doubt about that.

Once in a while, you’ll encounter dumpees’ worst nightmare also known as setback days. These setbacks will hurt you badly as they’ll crank up your feelings of nostalgia and love and make you feel that your ex is the best person in the world for you.

But this is just an illusion. If you didn’t feel hurt and invalidated, you wouldn’t think that way of your ex. You’d think that your ex is just another person who doesn’t deserve you and isn’t worth your time.

That’s why it’s of utmost importance that you don’t break no contact when you’re feeling weak and lost.

Breaking it will reset your emotional progress, delay your recovery, (and if you beg your ex for another chance), probably even push your ex so far away that you blame yourself for it.

For these reasons, you must gather the strength and willpower to stay in no contact no matter what personal challenges arise. No contact is a test of the will, so it’s not for the weak-minded.

It requires courage, perseverance, and a lot of blind faith.

What to do if you break no contact?

I can’t tell you exactly how much damage reaching out to your ex will do, but if the breakup is still fresh and your ex is not reaching out to you, the answer is enough.

Breaking no contact essentially reminds your ex why his or her relationship failed and makes your ex feel trapped and uncomfortable. The more unwanted emotions your ex feels, the smaller the probability that your ex will rediscover your worth and want to be with you in the future.

So avoid forcing yourself into your ex’s life and making your ex feel uncomfortable because of it. Acknowledge that the breakup happened for a reason and that your ex is also an ex for a reason. Something went wrong.

And that something only the power of silence after the breakup can fix.

If you break no contact and have a non-pressuring relationship with your ex, it’s not the worst breakup mistake out there, but it is a mistake nonetheless. You need to minimize mistakes by reminding yourself that mistakes reduce the chances of your ex respecting and desiring you.

On the other hand, you’ll cause much more damage if you beg and plead with your ex, take revenge, or ruin your ex’s reputation. That will kiss your chances of getting back together with your ex goodbye.

When you make a breakup mistake (any mistake), don’t apologize for it and say that you’ll leave your ex alone. Just go back to no contact right away and carry on as if you never broke no contact.

If you make it seem like you messed up badly, you’ll frighten your ex and make him or her take you even less seriously.

What to do if you’re having a difficult time with no contact?

If you find yourself struggling with no contact, remind yourself why you started following this rule in the first place. Tell yourself that you need to leave your ex alone to process the breakup and focus strongly on yourself.

The key to staying in no contact is to be aware of the positives of staying in no contact and the negatives of breaching it.

When you discern that messaging your ex prematurely (before your ex is ready to converse with you) smothers your ex and intensifies his or her built-up negativity, you’ll also understand that you mustn’t make any (more) post-breakup mistakes.

There’s only so much your ex will put up with in his or her smothered state, so work through your separation anxiety difficulties on your own or with the help of someone other than your ex.

Talk to a therapist, sign up for the gym, stay around supportive friends and family members, and do what gives purpose to your life.

When you start doing that, your ex will lose his or her significance in your eyes and you’ll feel a lot better knowing that you have your life under control and plenty of interesting things to look forward to.

Are you wondering how to start no contact or are you already following it? Share your no contact thoughts below this post and we’ll get back to you shortly.

And lastly, if you have any questions on how to start no contact with an ex who left you—and you want tailored advice, subscribe to coaching and send us your unique story.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.