If your ex got a restraining order against you and you’re wondering if reconciliation is possible, know that it depends on how bitter your ex is. If your ex is very bitter and not capable of working through that bitterness, reconciliation is highly unlikely.
Your ex is probably going to keep using anger, resentment, and bad memories to fuel his or her sense of unjust and do what he or she can to smear your image and stay away from you. I can’t say exactly what your ex will do or won’t do, but a person who gets a protective order against you doesn’t think very fondly of you. He or she thinks you’re meddling with his or her private and that talking sense into you is impossible.
The only thing left to do is to push you away with force and let you suffer alone.
Since your ex has associated a lot of unhealthy thoughts and emotions with your persona, we mustn’t sugarcoat the situation. The truth is that your ex may not be able to change the way he or she perceives you. Your ex probably won’t even try to change perceptions because loathing you or feeling annoyed by you empowers your ex and solidifies his or her reason for getting a restraining order against you.
This means that viewing you the way your ex does at this moment is actually helping your ex. It’s making your ex believe that he or she is a victim and that victims need protection. It’s the only way your ex can feel 100% safe and not have to worry about pleasing you and spending precious time and energy on you.
Bear in mind that dumpers are usually more afraid of what their ex could do rather than what their ex is doing. In other words, they fear that their ex will try to lure them back into a relationship with them. They don’t consider the possibility that their dumpee needs help coping with the breakup and that he or she won’t always feel desperate for love and attention.
Once the dumpee recovers, the dumpee will back off a bit (or completely) and focus on more significant things.
Although a restraining order aims to protect people from physical and emotional harm, the truth is that many dumpers use it as a means of avoiding their ex. They don’t know how to handle guilt, shame, and their ex’s desperate behavior, so they get angry, cut their ex off like a criminal, and act innocent.
Little do they know that they’re also at fault for the breakup (maybe even more) and that their ex is just hurt, in denial, and lacks the strength to recover from the shock. Many dumpees wouldn’t stay in denial and get a restraining order against them if their dumper treated them with care and respect and took responsibility.
They’d still be hurt, of course, but they’d get over the shock, pain, separation anxiety, and fears quicker and easier.
So if your ex got a restraining order against you and you’re wondering how to get your ex back after a restraining order, know that the only way to get your ex back is to not focus on getting your ex back at all. Your ex needs to cool off, realize your worth, cancel the restraining order, get in touch, and ask you back.
It can’t be the other way because you already see your ex’s worth and can’t reason with someone unreasonable. You likely already tried that and it didn’t get you anywhere.
So all in all, your ex has a lot of internal work to do. And that’s why you must leave your ex alone and focus on detachment and self-improvement.
This article is for dumpees who are wondering what the chances of getting back together after a restraining order are. Some things may be hard to hear, but it’s crucial that you do.
Is reconciliation after getting a restraining order even possible?
In all truth, I’ve seen some dumpers come back even after filing for a restraining order. They came back, apologized for acting irrationally, and asked for friendship or more. A restraining order doesn’t stop them from redeveloping feelings when they regret leaving the dumpee.
Not to give you hope or anything, but in breakups, couples who shouldn’t get back together sometimes get back together, and those who should don’t. Breakups can be unpredictable at times as reconciliations depend on many things.
Things like:
- the dumper’s ability to handle negative perceptions and difficult emotions
- events happening in the dumper’s life
- the mistakes the dumpee makes
- and the quality of the ex-couple’s relationship
People are different by nature, so they go through different types of breakups. And their breakups have different types of exes and the predicaments they go through after the breakup. It’d be naive to think that dumpers come back simply because they realize they’ve made a mistake.
We need to ask ourselves what caused them or made them realize their mistake. If we get to the root cause of their discovery, we can see that dumpers try to find happiness on their own but fail. That’s why they come running back like greased lightning and apologize for running off on their own.
In pursuit of their happiness, dumpers oftentimes date other people and try to settle down with them. But because they or their partner aren’t ready for a serious relationship, they struggle to connect or stay connected and start to suffer.
That’s when dumpers compare their ex to their new partner and see that they’ve taken their ex for granted. Regret and pain follow suit, and then they find themselves in a situation where going back to an ex feels like the safest option.
It’s more convenient for them too because that way, they don’t have to deal with their issues on their own. They can confide in someone who already knows them and also cares about them. It’s a win-win for them.
Sometimes dumpers come back after filing for a restraining order simply because their pain and regret overweigh their negative perceptions of their ex. Their happiness becomes more important to them, so they come back to use their ex as a backup plan and rely on him or her for support.
This means that reconciliation after a restraining order is possible when the dumper finds himself or herself in a situation he or she is incapable of dealing with alone. When trouble arises and things look bad is when the dumper typically starts thinking about the dumpee and becomes nostalgic about the relationship.
That’s when the dumper becomes unhappy and remorseful and wants what he or she had in the past.
The key to pulling through this difficult situation, though, is not to obsess about the small possibility of your ex wanting you back after filing for a restraining order. It’s to come to terms with the fact that your ex may never return. Accepting reality for what it is takes strength and courage and an understanding of your worth, but you need to be strong.
The braver you are and the more you understand what your ex did to you, the quicker you’ll disapprove of your ex’s behavior and accept the breakup.
Chances of getting back together after a restraining order
It’s hard to say what the chances of getting back together after a restraining order are because every situation is different. But I can tell you that the chances of reconciliation are very slim. Dumpers who don’t resent their exes don’t always come back. They want to move on with their lives, which is why thinking that dumpers who file for a restraining order come back all the time is absurd.
A restraining order is probably on par with your ex getting married and having kids with someone else. It’s one of the biggest signs that your ex is over you and done with you and that you need to walk away with dignity and pride.
If you don’t walk away and breach the restraining order instead, your ex will probably report you and force you to sign a criminal complaint. As a result, you could be held in custody or get summoned by the court and feel even less hopeful to get back with your ex.
That would cause you even more anxiety and add problems to your life.
With that said, here are 5 breakup situations that are the most difficult to fix.
If you don’t want to hurt and embarrass yourself in front of your friends and family, don’t breach the restraining order. Respect its rules and comply with them and wait for the order to expire or for your ex to cancel it.
When the order is no longer in place, you shouldn’t assume your ex is ready to speak with you. You shouldn’t reach out and keep doing what you were doing before you got hit with the order. If you got a restraining order against you because you were begging for attention or threatening your ex, you’ve got to stay silent this time.
You’ve got to let the power of silence after the breakup take care of your ex even if you didn’t do anything to hurt your ex. That way, your ex will see it’s safe to come out of hiding and communicate with you. But you must give it time. That’s the only way your ex will want to talk to you again on equal terms.
It has to be your ex who reaches out and expresses a desire to talk to you. So try not to obsess about the chances of getting back together after a restraining order right now. It’s too soon to fantasize about reuniting with your ex because your ex is still set on staying away from you.
One day, your ex might process the breakup and the things you did to make him or her file for a protective order. So wait for that day to come because that’s when your ex will probably reach out and breadcrumb you to see what you’re up to.
Your ex might even apologize and try to assuage guilt. You need to be ready for it so you don’t confuse guilt for love and get your hopes up.
A restraining order is an ultimate rejection. You need to treat it as such so you don’t stay hopeful about getting back with your ex. I know you’re looking for hope, but right now, hope is your worst nightmare. It’s making you remember the past, idealize the relationship, and hold on to a person who slapped you with a restraining order.
If you think about it, a restraining order is no joke. It’s a serious matter that signifies the end of respect, love, and care. it shows that your ex feels repulsed, angry, resentful, or fearful and that your ex doesn’t want to feel that way anymore.
Your ex just wants to focus inward and let you deal with your problems on your own.
It’s obvious that your ex stopped caring about you, so make sure you understand that. When you understand it and regain your strength, you’ll stop caring about your ex too.
In the meantime, follow the rules of no contact and avoid breakup mistakes so you can recover as fast as your anxious brain lets you.
How to get your ex back after a restraining order?
Getting an ex back after a restraining order is not an easy task. You have to understand that your ex got a restraining order against you out of fear or anger. Whichever emotion is cruising through your ex’s blood doesn’t matter. What matters is that your ex feels threatened by you and thinks it’s safer for him or her not to communicate with you.
The thought of talking to you makes your ex extremely uncomfortable. It brings out suppressed feelings and perceptions that remind your ex that interacting with you is a horrible idea.
There’s nothing you can do to change the way your ex thinks and feels about you. You can only make things worse. Especially now that you have an active restraining order against you.
So do what you can do – stay in no contact. It’s your best and only way of showing you’ve got your emotions and life under control and that you’re not desperately waiting for him or her to return.
That means you don’t have a lot of options in front of you at this moment. The only thing you can do is to become happy with yourself again and get yourself back.
Remember that if your ex wants you back, he or she will reach out. Your ex will do that even if he or she has to ask around to get your number.
Are you hurt by your ex’s actions and wonder if it’s possible to reconcile after a restraining order? How do you plan on getting back with your ex? Let us know in the comments section below.
And if you enjoyed reading this article and want to talk to us about it alone, sign up for our breakup coaching.
This is really good article. It’s helping me work through what I feel and how you can love someone but still realize it’s not good for you both. My situation just occurred. We were old friends and we stayed in contact we have been together for the past year and we just have alot of work to do on ourselves I think. We trigger the best and equally the worst. Our fights have gotten disrespectful and violent.
I got the tro right now it’s been 2 days after the last fight spree. I want to talk to him but we wouldn’t be in this situation if we were able to love like normal people but we both are abused and I understand why we really with anger. I am angry he won’t defend me or himself to his employee who runs his motel and he has a child with a much older woman. These two older women are calling shots to him
About loving me. They don’t even know me and our love and I see him so conflicted. He doesn’t want to stand up to them in fear he will lose his employee and his child’s mother won’t let him see his son. It really
Hurts to see him struggle to speak up and just defend himself and our relationship. He told me I was ruining his life but I think he just has too many women to please. I am the only
One he screams at and gets physical with yet we are in real love. I couldn’t take it anymore. We were fighting about this and I am scared he isn’t really in this forever and our fights never clear up and feel disrespected. He also took videos of some
Of my provoked bad moments. I found that really scary someone who says they love you could be “internally building a metaphorical Case against me”
I filed the tro and I am deciding on the 2 year, I wish it didn’t come to this and I would like us to settle it with lawyers. I just want it to be done and rip the bandaid off. I think he has some
Growing up to do and I have to find the strength to be alone again. I know I would do better with a partner who could defend me and is stronger and not in such a conflicting position with other women. I hope we can just settle out but I am worried if I drop it he will try to charge me bc of the black mail
Videos. I don’t know sorry for the rant I feel so confused and sad. I think I had to do this to stop the pain and let him go because we would have kept fighting so bad and it was getting worse.
Anyway I just pray one day he will come back to me a strong man once he clears up his messes. I dont deserve to be with a man who has other women invading our relationship. I also shouldn’t waste anymore time. I need to get stronger again and be more secure in a relationship and I pray for my future husband
Hi Jade.
You’ve been through a lot with him; a lot of ups and downs that needed to come to an end. Clearly, your relationship wasn’t improving. It kept triggering your traumas and bringing out the worst in you. To heal and get stronger, you’ll bothn need to focus on your fears individually and learn to live independently. I encourage you to sign up for therapy and stay out of contact.
You’ll feel better when you detach and discover your self-worth.
Best regards,
Zan
I broke up with my ex girlfriend back in February 2023 due to the toxicity of the relationship and the effect I noticed it was having on both of us mental health wise. Around June 2023 she blocked me on everything and I had an overwhelming sense of regret and tried to reach out to her. I sent letters, stuffed animals even showed up at her apartment with her favorite treats trying to talk to her. She didn’t even open the door and instead called the police and filed a temporary two week order the following day. After the order expired I was so frustrated and mad but eventually the feelings for her came back. In august I reached back out again this time through email and text and friends and associates. This resulted in going to court this time and her seeking an order of protection claiming I was stalking her. At first she was seeking a year long order but honestly me, the judge, and the case worker were able to get her to agree to a 6 month order due to expire in February 2024.
Now I do look back on events that happened and feel bad about it. Me contacting people and getting them involved didn’t need to happen. Me sending those long letters and showing up at the door didn’t need to happen. I truly do feel regret for my actions during this time and have been taking the proper steps to better understand myself and others. I’ve been in therapy since a bit before the court appearance which helped me understand her perspective a lot. I am in a much more mature and understanding space compared to when we were together and even last year during all that restraining order stuff. I’m not sure if she has forgiven me or if she has even moved on really. But I have some type of gut feeling that things aren’t exactly over. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking but this article definitely helped put some things in perspective as well too. Maybe after the order is expired we could talk and I could use some stuff in this article to help that.
Hi Louis.
Don’t wait for the restraining order to expire so you can reach out. You have to wait for her to reach out and express a desire to communicate. If you reach out on your terms, you’ll show you still haven’t accepted things and that you don’t care about her feelings.
If she feels nostalgic or wants to talk to you, she will. In the meantime, work on yourself and your urges to reach out.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan! After 12 years my ex suddenly told me she was cheating on me and wanted to break up. Then her father attacked me so in self defense I broke his shoulder, I’m now facing a tra in court because of it. I also sent a letter revealing she was a prostitute to her neighbors and hernew boyfriends family. Now she thinks I’m crazy and has placed a restraining order on me. I want her back. What can I do?
Hi Jeremy.
I know you want her back, but a lot has happened since the breakup. I fear it may no longer be possible to repair the damage. Sometimes people become resentful and unforgiving.
I suggest you work on yourself and forgive yourself for your mistakes. Your ex’s perception of you is out of your control.
Hang in there, Jeremy!
Zan
My wife asked me to hold her at 7am in the morning after last feeding of the baby. She then kissed my head and said she would be back later on the day. She never came back. I had on our 10 week old child CPS report, police, and medical exam and a restraining order that went from short term ton1 year dv civil. 2 months later I agreed to the 1 year and then my spouse told her attorney which told me she was looking for a counselor. She accepted getting 100.00 dollars a week and wanting to have access to emailing my therapist. I and her re opened our Facebook and removed all pictures of each other. WA state does 1 year civil dv protection orders and I applied for divorce and then withdrew from it before she was served. I therefore am letting her choose to actually see mental health counselor, let her decide to divorce me, let her decide if she wants to reach out to my therapist.
This article was very good, more like these will get great responses. I
No contact letting her go.
Hi Alejandro.
I’m sorry she switched on you like that. It’s safe to assume she hadn’t been happy and was thinking about leaving for quite some time. Maybe she had post-partum depression? Still, she shouldn’t have pushed you away and acted like that. It wasn’t fair to you or the baby.
I wish you a speedy recovery, Alejandro!
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex gf threatened me with a PFA after I begged and pleaded over the span of about 3 days. No, it wasn’t good but I didn’t threaten her or send any angry messages. I was just in mental health turmoil and extreme grief given we were together for 1.5 years and very much in love to the point where we had been blending our families. I regret my actions deeply but also understand the place I was coming from.
I think she is an avoidant who can’t handle dealing with difficult emotions due to childhood and adult abandonment issues. I’m trying to lose hope given it’s been over 60 days of no contact. It’s just very hard to do given we clicked at just about every level. And we are both middle aged and mature. She is the first woman I’ve ever loved truly and unconditionally.
Hi Mark.
You loved this woman a lot and got attached. 60 days aren’t enough to let go of her. You’ll need to stay in no contact longer. On a positive note, though, you should be much less obsessed than you were when you begged her to reconsider. You should feel yourself regaining control.
Sincerely,
Zan
We got divorced (Breakup) just after around 40-60days of relationship .. but the true thing I was non-consiusinally did the divorce as she requested it later ..first I tried to do it but then her father asked us to do the divorce.
Two weeks later I contacted her lawyer to get back .. and even her father uncle.
She claimed that I was following her .. then claimed I contacted her and followed her father .. on the week 5 to 6 she made restrain order and reported me to police . I denied all claims .. Meanwhile I got forced to report her to police too to what she did to me and her writings and abusings to me ……
As a result her lawyer contacted me and objected and claimed her right to report me as I annoyed her .. and asked me what I want so to remove my report and both of us should remove it and they asked me to sign an agreement to not come across her by any means at the lawyer office and the police .. so I ignored their request.
How do you find it .. and I am hoping she one time will come back to me and even her family are regretting our breakup and want us back if there is a chance but she and her father are reluctant and stubborn ..
Hi Abo18LouLoua.
The breakup got messy, hence why you should give up on getting back together. Too much damage has been done to rectify the situation. I could be wrong, but she and her family seem resentful and unforgiving.
It may be better to give up.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks for this Article. My Ex gf of 2.5 years did that also out of fear, anger & family but none the less her decision as i lived only 1 block away from her.
It made me angry, confused and vengeful. I had to stop my business and life to overcome this deep wound & heal. However, it gets really interesting. After, 45 days of no contact her family, friends started to poke around my instagram stories and spy on me on what i was doing. (Funny on how they had restraining order on me but stalk my social media & dont even follow me)
But i blocked them all and then she reactivates her instagram and keeps 3 photos out of 8 and archived all other together photos. Then keeps following me & spys on my Instagram story evey time.
I am travelling, living my life to my mission & purpose.
So i am confused as to why an Ex would get a restraining order and then come back just to spy on my Instagram shamelessly but never respond or try to communicate its been 78 days of No contact & not sure if i should unfollow her and move on or keep waiting to see if she finally will be able to find courage enough to drop the restraining order. Would love some insight as to if i should pursue this or let go completely.
Hi Ksr.
She wants to know what you’re up to and feel that she has some control over the situation. Unfollow her and try to move on. Don’t wait for her. Let go of her and get yourself back. It’s not worth pursuing and waiting for an ex who got a restraining order against you.
Regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Everything You have described above is exactly what I’m going through- thank you for putting this great advice out there. I am so confused as to why he chose to do this to me after so much that I have given him and the person I was to him as well. I feel as though he is more scared for his job so he is taking these bold steps to show them that he is the one who is being “battered”. I have done nothing wrong to this person but I have to say he was so stupid for doing this. I can’t imagine seeing a other forward after what he did to me. I know he will never find peace in his heart. He will never recover at work either but thats not my problem.
Hi Linda.
He did this to you because it’s who he is at the core. Don’t think it’s got anything to do with you. People do what they think and feel is right. He has a lot of maturing to do. But as you say, that’s no longer your concern even if he does the same thing to someone else (which he probably will). He hasn’t learned his lessons yet.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex’s actions hurt me, but I’m trying to heal even the most minor parts.
He got married to the girl that he cheated me on.
And I’m staying in NC, and now I’m so good, so as Zan says, no cont is the only way.
Thank you, Zan, for your patience and help ❤️
Things are much better now, Linda.
And they’re only going to keep getting better!
Kind regards,
Zan
Well, damn. I sure hope my husband’s ex isn’t suffering too much after he got that restraining order against her. All she did was try to stab him.
I hope he’s okay, Jaycie 🙂
Zan