Guys don’t always come back after they dump you. Sometimes, they feel too hurt and create too many negative associations to regret breaking up with you and fall back in love with you.
Guys mostly come back only when they realize that they’re not happy and that the grass was not greener on the other side in another relationship. They come back when they emotionally as well as intelligently discern that jumping straight into another relationship doesn’t take their problems away.
It may temporarily shove them under the rug because love blinds them and makes them feel like they’re on cloud nine, but it doesn’t fix the issues that broke them up.
Not unless they dedicate a big portion of their time to solving their issues and finding new ways to think and behave. But then again, dumpers are dumpers and they don’t feel the need or want to change. They’re perfectly happy staying the way they are as they like to blame their exes for the end of the relationship.
They focus on the reasons the relationship ended and by doing so, absolve themselves of any responsibilities and wrongdoings.
The only time guys open their eyes and reflect on their words and actions is when something or someone shocks them, hurts them, or teaches them a lesson that brings them back to reality. That’s when they start changing their thoughts and beliefs and stop playing the blame game.
Guys need something to go wrong in their lives to start making things right. You need to leave them alone and let them get hurt otherwise they could continue to move on and think you’re the problem.
With that being said, don’t expect guys to always come back after they dump you. It may not happen unless they go through some kind of painful, self-reflecting experience that inspires or forces them to think inward.
This post will answer the question, “Do guys always come back after they dump you?” We’ll discuss what makes them come back and what you can do to make them like you more.
Why do guys leave a relationship?
Before a guy decides to leave his girlfriend, he develops certain negative thoughts about the girl. He makes a list of all the negative things he doesn’t like about her in his mind and thinks about them for so long that he develops anger, contempt, suffocation, doubts, fears, or repulsion.
Upon creating such negative thoughts and feelings, the guy then starts to feel miserable. He feels so displeased and trapped in the uncomfortable situation he created that he naturally starts to look for some kind of remedy that would free him of his misery.
Soon, he comes across a viable solution that could save him (make him feel better).
That solution is the breakup.
The breakup essentially provides him with two things:
- Physical and emotional distance.
- Time to think about himself and the things he wants to do.
You see, when a guy sees an opportunity to break up with his girlfriend (an argument, meets another girl, falls into depression, etc.), he rationally discerns that the breakup is his path to happiness and that he must take this one and only opportunity right away. He mustn’t keep delaying the breakup any longer as it’s making him feel unpleasant emotions.
That’s why he breaks up with his partner and feels extremely relieved.
Suddenly, he doesn’t have to worry about his girlfriend’s reaction to the breakup and the way he feels around her anymore. He can just focus on himself and spend time with people who uplift him.
It makes no difference whether a guy leaves his girlfriend because of depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, personal difficulties, family issues, or disapproving parents.
A breakup is still a breakup, which implies that he thinks he’ll be happier on his own or with someone else and that you must accept the breakup (avoid guilt-tripping) and let him go.
You likely feel extremely hopeful that the guy will realize your worth and come back, but you need to know that a guy who left you has no intention of coming back to you after he’s fixed his problems. Fixing his problems will make him happy, so he likely won’t see a reason to try his luck with you and risk becoming unhappy again.
You must remember that the guy has attached negative thoughts to your persona and thought of you as a stressor he needed to distance himself from. So the only way for him to feel good emotions for you and come back to you is if he doesn’t find happiness on his own and/or fails to find what he’s looking for.
That could trigger his need for love and connection and make him think about his exes.
On that note, keep in mind that reconciliations are dumpers’ safety options. They are the cushions dumpers fall on when they become unhappy and realize that they’ve made a terrible decision.
When do guys come back after the breakup?
No matter why the breakup occurred, guys think that the main problem is with their ex-partner. That’s why they distance themselves from their ex after the breakup and run after happiness on their own. They think they can find it if they just look hard enough.
Oftentimes, though, they fail to find it. They find a person who has a different personality but is similar in terms of behavior. But just because they don’t find what they’re looking for, this doesn’t mean that they always run back to their ex-partner. As we said earlier, guys develop resentments and/or negative associations that they have a hard time getting rid of without some kind of painful (usually esteem-breaking) experience.
Guys tend to hold on to negative perceptions for self-empowerment and fail to learn anything. They just continue focusing on themselves and thinking poorly of their ex-partner. Maybe “poorly” isn’t the best word to use, but they unquestionably follow the same old thinking patterns.
And those patterns prevent them from growing within and recognizing their ex’s good qualities.
Guys need something big to go back to an ex. They need to realize that their ex was good for them but that they took their ex for granted and thought they could do better. Normally, a romantic rejection helps them see things more clearly. But something non-romantic can do the job too.
Something like falling out with a friend, losing a family member, or getting fired.
Here’s a picture explaining when guys come back after they dump you.
Guys who come back basically realize that they’ve made a mistake and that they must cling to what they had in the past for comfort and safety.
This is the number 1 reason why guys come back after the breakup. They discern that the life they lived prior to the breakup was way better than the life after and that they aren’t as happy as they used to be. They’re unhappy, and they’re solely responsible for it.
It can take guys years to come back
Most of you reading breakup blogs want immediate results. You want your ex-boyfriend to process the stages of a breakup right away and come running back to you before your ex is ready.
But, unfortunately, that likely won’t happen. If your ex left you for good (isn’t just playing power games with you), he’s not going to have a change of heart any time soon. There’s too much negativity trapped inside him that prevents him from cooling off and returning to a relationship that doesn’t work.
In all honesty, it’s not just your worth in his eyes that’s lacking. It’s also his love for you. And love is not something that can be regained through sheer willpower.
Love requires positive thoughts, respect, as well as some kind of craving for intimacy. And a craving for intimacy once again requires something painful – something to go wrong. It all comes down to how prepared your ex is for life without you and also how mature the people your ex gets involved with are. This means that luck is definitely an important factor.
Anyway, when things do go wrong, your ex will likely feel a stronger desire to connect with you than when things are going just fine.
Have you noticed that many romantic partners are nicer/more affectionate when they’re stressed and anxious? Sure some get frustrated quickly and project their issues onto others, but if they’re in a lot of trouble, they tend to crave understanding and love.
This is because they’re having a difficult time coping with challenging times and need help. They need you to validate and reciprocate their feelings and make them feel significant.
For your ex to rely on you for support, your ex’s emotional state must change from not wanting any help to wanting or needing it. Once it does, your ex’s thoughts and perceptions must ensue. This means your ex must change the way he perceives you so that your ex can seek your approval and support.
Nobody knows how long it will take your ex to experience an emotional reset and want you to relieve anxiety as every dumper lives his life differently. But when/if your ex encounters issues and wants to reconnect with you again to talk about getting back together, rest assured that your ex will let you know.
He’ll start the conversation by breadcrumbing you and shortly after, express the desire to meet you and/or get back together with you.
Guys are rational, women are emotional
As you likely know, guys are the most rational creatures on the planet. We make rational decisions and may not necessarily always openly express our thoughts and feelings.
We normally just keep things to ourselves and hope that the people we interact with understand us.
In relationships, we work very similarly. We expect certain things to work the way we imagine them to work because they seem the most logical from our perspective. We tend to underprioritize our partner’s feelings and the importance of emotions in general.
This implies that we’re not always right and that the rational approach isn’t always the best approach. Emotions are just as important in a relationship as rational thinking as they show how a person feels and what he or she needs.
Here’s an example; if our partner feels slightly jealous or insecure about us talking to another woman, we guys often respond by telling our girlfriend that she needs to trust us and respect us.
We immediately take the rational approach and tell her that SHE is the one who needs to compromise because we’re not doing anything wrong.
We’re just chatting.
But the truth is that although we don’t intend to cheat and monkey-branch, we ARE doing something wrong. We’re talking to another girl when we’re already in a committed relationship with our partner.
Some of you may think there’s nothing wrong with that and that you as an autonomous person can talk to the same or opposite gender whenever you’d like. It’s your right as a human being and your girlfriend doesn’t have a say in your decision-making process.
Those who think this way are certainly not wrong. You can speak to whomever you’d like, whenever you’d like, even if it’s your ex who recently left you and broke your heart into little pieces.
But do keep in mind that the girl you chose to commit to has feelings. She’s the emotional part of your life you committed to and promised to treat well.
And treating well, dear reader includes compromising and easing her anxiety. This makes it your moral obligation (whether you’re a man or a woman) to make certain your partner feels loved and comfortable in the relationship with you.
For that reason, the rational approach may not always be the right approach. The girl you are/were with needs sympathy, understanding, and even things you may not agree with and like at times.
She needs to know that you can and will make her happy even when logically, you may be more right than her.
If you want a girl to be like you (rational) and not get affected by certain actions, you can forget about it as it won’t happen.
You sometimes have to be more like her (emotional and empathetic) and try to understand the way she feels. You have to think from her perspective and find a solution that you and she can both work with.
The reason I’m telling you this is that guys who leave romantic relationships often rationalize with themselves afterward.
They tell themselves that they’ve made the right decision to leave their ex and that they need to keep moving forward to find someone more rational/compatible.
What rational guys don’t understand is that girls make rational decisions just like guys do because they’re just as intelligent as guys. But when guys are anxious, scared, angry, or feeling down, they tend to think and act emotionally just like women.
That’s when they start to realize that they’re not so different after all.
Did this article answer the question “Why do guys come back after the breakup?” Do you have any questions or stories to share? Post them below this article and we’ll respond soon.
And if you’re trying to understand what went wrong in your relationship and want our help, consider signing up for breakup coaching with us.
Hi Zan , so my boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me out of the blue after putting in a lot of effort and commitment in the relationship even booked a trip in the next few weeks as a surprise on Christmas day somewhere if always said I wanted to him he gave me the generic excuse he thought he was ready for a relationship but he wasn’t. He has a son from his previous relationship 2 years ago and I know the ex has been giving him grief even suggesting to him one time if he knows his child is his first priority. I’m heartbroken and really care for him. I don’t know if he’s ex has anything to do with the breakup Im just blind sided by the awful reason why he broke up
So basically I, (40f) was friends with ex for over 3 years, we were in a relationship but not defined. This year, he told me wanted a relationship, he was making plans for marriage, kids, a house.
When I turned 40, he freaked out and dumped me over age gap. It actually had been brilliant upto that day. In his defence he thought I was 37/38. It hadn’t come up prior as it’s only this year we were official. The chemistry and connection we shared was commented on by many others.
After he dumped me, I tried to talk to him but he kept it friendly. 2 months after breakup, I messaged him to see if we could meet, he said he would but told me politely he is seeing somebody. Said he wanted to stay in contact. We live too far apart to bump into each other. I adore him, I was and still am heartbroken.
I could see he was online all the time – he only messaged me before on it. I knew he was texting her.
It’s now 4 months after breakup and I just deleted his number and insta etc. I could see he was constantly online and it was killing me but I kept checking it.
He met her on a night out, it wasn’t someone he knew. I believe that. It just pains so much that he made plans with me and 2 months later is with someone else.
Any honest advice?
Hi Zan,
I’m a big fan of your blog. I have been on both sides of the breakup and find your words both accurate and comforting.
I recently was dumped by my boyfriend of 1 year 3 weeks ago. He gave me the generic breakup excuses and said he doesn’t feel ready for the kind of relationship I want, the timing isn’t right for him etc. I think ultimately quarantine sped things up too fast for his liking (we went from long distance to living / working together 24/7) and I think he felt smothered. He’s been going through a tough time with work and had been dealing depression and I’m the type who doesn’t need as much space, so there was an artificial strain on the relationship that wouldn’t have necessarily been there without the pandemic.
We got into a small fight over him not being affectionate enough, I suggested we break up and he agreed. It was clear that i didn’t want the relationship to end, but it needed to happen because it was clear we were on different pages and had different expectations. He stood his ground even though he exhibited a lot of signs of uncertainty when we talked, saying he hopes we can make it work someday because he can’t imagine anyone being better for him and things like that, but also definitely had been feeling guilty for weeks because it was obvious that the relationship was one-sided and he wasn’t willing to put in the work. He knew I wanted more from him and he felt like he couldn’t be the kind of boyfriend I wanted.
I didn’t beg, I accepted his decision, left and haven’t spoken to him since. No contact for the past few weeks has been good for me because I can finally see that I wasn’t being prioritized and I’m not willing to try to make a relationship work with someone who isn’t willing to with me.
Do you think this is a case of GIGS where he felt being independent and single would be better than a relationship because he felt smothered?
Do you think this is the kind of case where couples can reconcile after a long period of time? Or should I think about the fact that because he wasn’t willing to try this time with me he never will?
Also, this was his first serious relationship and not mine. Do you think emotional maturity and relationship experience play a role? I’ve been in the situation before where I dumped someone and regretted it months later, only for it to be too late. My feeling is that because he’s never experienced this before, he took the relationship for granted and lost sight of the positives.
I’m focusing on moving on and loving me, but i still wonder about the relationship and I’d love your perspective Zan. Thanks!
Hi Zan
I’ve been reading a lot of your blogs for the last couple of days and would like an outsider’s perspective.
My boyfriend and I were together for over a year. (We’re both 25). Before he met me he had said he never wanted to or saw himself settle down with anyone, that he would be alone all his life.
We never had any arguments, never had any tension or awkward moments, it’s always been nothing but love and laughter.
I lost my job back in March and with the ongoing pandemic things have been rough for me and he was pretty supportive, the only time I felt good was when I knew I was going to be seeing him.
He broke up with me out of the blue 6 weeks ago, stating he never wanted kids and he couldn’t live with himself if I stayed with him and never had a family. I was obviously distraught and being in lockdown with nothing to do and nowhere to go my head was overthinking everything.
We met up a week later where I talked everything through calmly and composed saying how I didn’t see kids in my future anyway and wasn’t relying on him ever changing his mind.
Over the week he thought about what I’d said and he came up with the conclusion he didn’t want to be in a relationship.
He’s been thrust into a position where he’s had to suddenly think about his future more because he’s leaving the army in 6 months. His dad is also terminally ill. We were looking at building a house together and now I am out of work, we are unable to get a mortgage to do that, so he’ll be moving to another city when he leaves the army.
We gave each others stuff back last week and he was very hurtful and blunt saying the last year was just a test for him to see if he could want a life with someone, which is total BS. I’ve never had such a connection and chemistry with anyone ever and both our family’s are shocked by our breakup too. He’s always said I’m stuck with him, not him stuck with me and said how I’ve been such a blessing on his life. I don’t understand how you can go from a year of fun and no conflicts, to ‘not wanting to be a slave to your emotions’ and being alone forever. He says he loves me, but love isn’t enough.
We haven’t spoken since we saw each other last week, but I’m worried about him and want to support him, especially when his dad eventually passes and if the breakup is just him trying to disconnect from everyone, as he has said he wants to limit the amount of people in his life as everyone is a burden in their own ways.
It’s a unique and tricky situation, I just wondered what other people think and/or suggest.
Hi zan, Could we say that, women dumpers whom build resentment for their exes out of reason will act like man dumpers in this post? My ex have been growing resentment for me still after 3 months and I just don’t know why, I’ve been doing NC for 2 months.
Hi M.engineer.
Women build resentments too and when they do, they often behave very impulsively. They bring even the strongest guys to the ground.
Stay in no contact and let your ex work through her hatred on her own.
Sincerely,
Zan
I think is important to mention too, that we come back, when we find a reason to. By this I mean if we see a change on the other person. As mentioned we’re very rational and in order to break up we go through a lot of process (maybe this is the reason why there’re more girls than guys that end a relationship) we might seem cold, but we do care about our partner and more importantly a guy will always settle for a person who provides security over someone that just provide “fun”.
Having said that, after some separation, the guy might start thinking about his ex, and get emotional (it’s rare for a guy to hold grudges for a long period of time, unless something really big happened) and the time to talk to his ex will come, BUT whenever that time arrives, he finds his ex behaving the same way when he left, is very likely he’ll walk away.
That was the case with me and my ex, although I still have feelings towards her, after 6 months of separation (and 5 of no contact) she broke it, I thought that we were able to work things out and try and have some sort of friendship (I didn’t want to get back with her) but instead of having a polite and civilised conversation (after all she broke no contact) she started to give me all sorts of crap (she even called me a psycho and according to her I followed, which was never true, we used to work together and I didn’t even say hello while in NC) anyway, I didn’t even get mad or reacted in a bad manner after all that, but she gave me the reason to turn the page completely.
So remember, first we need to work on ourselves, be able to leave the past behind, be at peace with Us. Before trying to have a relationship with somebody else.
It’s been a journey for me, but I’ve grown a lot since January, to anyone reading this, I hope you get better soon.
All the best from Chile
Than you for your empowering comment, Tom.
I’m certain it’s going to help many readers.
Best regards,
Zan
Another great article Zan! I had to put my ex lesbian in there instead of a guy but I believe it’s similar to what I’ve gone through. She’s onto rebound #2 and don’t believe it’s going great as she breadcrumbs me and has brought me gifts. So, is the incentive for her to return that something happens in her life or goes through more bad rebounds? We were together 4 years and apart nearly the same.
All these coaches that say ex’s return in Months I think are BS. It takes time for them to see …
thank you Cecily
Hi Cecily.
It takes months for dumpers to come back because they don’t find an opportunity to fail in life or get hurt quickly enough to self-reflect. This is why it’s not uncommon to have an ex come back after years.
How quickly the dumper comes back really depends on what the dumper does with his life and what pickes he gets himself into.
Kind regards,
Zan
Just wow Zan everything that I had in my mind. And yes guys usually lack the knowledge to understand the emotional way of thinking of girls.
So what the dumpee has to do is to think about her/him self and if they ever contact again okay if don’t same right?
Also can wait for your new book congratulations 😍
Hi Linda.
Thanks for the comment!
The problem with guys is that they believe relationships should work in certain ways—and don’t want to change their mind about them. Especially the guys who are ruled by high ego. Such guys are very difficult to work with as they oftentimes refuse to change for the better.
The dumpee needs to self-prioritize so that he or she can get over the dumper and create a self-sufficient life for himself or herself. I know you’re doing that, so you’re definitely on the path to success.
Thank you for purchasing the book, Linda. ❤
Wow you are so amazing!!! Thank you Zan for everything
Hi Zan,
First of all, thanks for your amazing blog, it really helps me through a tough period in my life! I look forward to buy your book. Could you also write an article from the opposite view (Do girl always comeback after they dump you?)
Kind regards,
Marten
Hi Marten.
Thank you for the comment and for buying the book.
I’ll soon write an article about girls coming back too, so thank you for the recommendation!
Best regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
I was hoping I could ask for your advice. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of over a year about 4 weeks ago. To give a brief overview: my ex started hanging out with a girl at her house who he had once dated two years ago. They decided to be friends, but haven’t been in contact until now. I had said to him that I was uncomfortable with it as he had informed me that he believed she had feelings for him and that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. I also felt uncomfortable because he asked me to give him a hickey to make her jealous. My ex went to hers, however I let it go because I appreciated his honesty and it didn’t seem like too much of an issue as I was told he had no feelings for her. However, later that same week they caught up a second time, but this time at his house. I asked for a break because I felt as if I couldn’t deal with the situation maturely due to being in the midst of my final exams. I had told him my feelings on it, which is why I found it very upsetting when he met up with her a third time at her house in the same week. This time, he did not tell me due to the break we were taking, and I found out about it through a mutual friend. I felt like this was quite disrespectful of me and my feelings. I unfortunately lacked maturity and I broke up with him over text while he was at her house. I know this was a very poor decision, and I have apologised multiple times for it. I contacted him later that night and asked to talk, but we unfortunately got into an argument over text. He argued I should have trusted him more and that he would’ve liked more freedom. I asked him to give me more respect by not hanging out at her house because I felt uncomfortable knowing she had feelings for him. I also asked him to see her less frequently and not at her house which he said was controlling. I know now this was wrong of me to ask, and I have apologised multiple times. He said I was a ‘brick wall’ because I wasn’t seeing his side – I believe I was defensive because he was accusing me of controlling his entire social life, when I had never stopped him before. I decided that we needed to go our separate ways, but now after having the time to reflect without the stress of exams, I realise I was controlling. I did meet up with him and ask for a second chance as I realised my controlling behaviour was unacceptable. However, he really did and does not want a relationship as he is dealing with some personal issues. He told me these issues, and they were so serious that I had to tell someone because he said I was the only one that knew, not even his parents. For reference, we had a very loving relationship and we rarely argued, however it did seem like he lacked trust in me at times. I know I am certainly wrong with what happened, and I am slowly moving past my guilty feelings thanks to the support of my close friends (who believe I’ve done nothing wrong). He believes I am a bad person and while I don’t believe this is true, it still hurts. We have not blocked or removed each other, and we can still have a somewhat mature conversation. I have apologised so much, is there any advice you can give me?
You’re incredible Zan. I fully read the article, and I just realised that you answered me completely. Thank you so much. I have felt completely terrible after how I broke up with him and of my poor decision making, and I have really tried everything I can to amend things between us. I have had to stay in contact with him because of what he told me as I have been incredibly concerned with his safety that it has started to take its toll on my mental health, however he has made no effort to reach out to me/reassure me and I have been the one to message him every time since the break up. Am I a terrible person for what I’ve done?
If I may ask another question, I am having an eighteenth birthday party in a couple of months and I am not sure whether to invite my ex. We were in a group of friends that have known each other for quite some time and I am going to invite all of these people, but I don’t want to leave him out. Especially with what he is going through. What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Alice.
Thanks for commenting.
I don’t think you were wrong to ask your ex to stop meeting up with his ex so frequently. You wanted reassurance that he’s with you and that he’s not going to betray you. Your ex, on the other hand, didn’t care much about what you needed. He perceived your jealous/controlling behavior as a breach of trust and told you to trust him blindly even thought it hurt you badly. As you know, this is a typical guy thing.
You shouldn’t have threatened to leave and actually leave in the heat of the moment. By doing so, you intended to control him by force. And him being a guy, he didn’t like that one bit. That’s why he refused your reconciliation offer and started to chase after his new-found freedom.
Since you’ve been the one initiating conversation, I wouldn’t invite your ex to your birthday party. He should show some interest in your life before you invite him to celebrate it.
I hope that makes sense.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you for your reply. Yes, I understand what I did was incredibly wrong and I have been feeling so very regretful of what I did. I definitely should not have threatened to leave, and I am so ashamed of myself because I truly loved him. I unfortunately let my emotions and anger get the best of me. Thank you for your insight again, I have definitely learnt a very hard lesson.
Hi Alice.
I’m glad you’ve learned your lesson. You’re still young and it’s going to come in handy.
Sincerely,
Zan
Zan,
I have been reading a lot of your articles today, and they have been very eye-opening to the realities of my breakup. I still seek a lot of clarification, and if anyone has any insight, I would love to hear it. My ex broke up with me less than 2 days after our 1 year. The anniversary was very nice and everything seemed normal. He gave me a bracelet with the engraving “Love you forever and ever” and a card that said words like “I love you with all my heart” and “I know we can make it through anything”.
His reason for the breakup was that he is going to military school and found out a month ago that he would not be able to come back home until Christmas. He thinks that the pain of not being able to see me on top of the stress of military school will cause him to break, lash out, and break up with me over the phone. He said he wanted to end things in person and on a good term before he leaves. He kept saying “I’m so sorry” every time I asked him to please just try.
The next day he sent me a good morning text to see how I was doing and brought up the possibility of revisiting this relationship in the future when the timing is better. He said he will always love and care for me, but that he doesn’t know what his future holds so he told me to move on and not wait for him.
I’m just so confused because the 1 year gifts seemed too ironic to not be intentional so I am wondering if he is trying to hint that he doesn’t actually want me to on. For now, I stopped contacting him and will wait for him to make the next move, but I am just so confused on what he wants.
Thank you in advance for any comments regarding this!
Hi Melissa.
At the moment, your ex isn’t prepared to fight for the relationship because he thinks it will stress him even more than he already is and make his life more difficult.
You’re analyzing the motives behind his gifts too much. He likely gave you the bracelet because it seemed meaningful for him. He was struggling emotionally, so it stood out for him—and he bought it.
Furthermore, I don’t think he’s hinting you to wait for him. And even if he was, he let you go, so you need to keep moving forward to prioritize your well-being, just the way he prioritized his.
Stay strong, Melissa!
Zan
I think your blog is amazing and it has honestly helped me articulate feelings that I myself have not been able to verbalize. I’m just confused with this article and another article where you say 9 out of 10 times an ex will reach out to you. Are they per say different or in this article it’s specifically is about an ex coming back for the purpose of reconciliation. Again I thank you for helping. people like me whom might have been feeling lost upon a breakdown of a relationship.
Hi Nicole.
Thank you for your kind words.
This article is about guys coming back and has nothing to do with chances of hearing from an ex.
In the article called, “Will I ever hear from my ex again” is where you probably found that 90% of dumpers contact their exes. They breadcrumb them and sometimes even meet up with them.
This doesn’t, however, mean that 90% of them come back. The number is way, way lower than that.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for the clarification. I just want to say as difficult as no contact is, it is the only way to proceed and grow. It allows you to finally put yourself first. Which just betters you in the long run. Almost 8 billion people in the world why stress on the one that doesn’t value your worth. I have referred your articles to many and wish you only success on your book. It’s only through our struggles where we learn to face our fears and obtain the happiness we deserve.
Great post!
There are men in my past that have not come back so far. Some others have. I once had a man open up to me 17 years after we were over. He had years to think about our situation and he brought up memories of us that I no longer have any recollection of, I was surprised. He was so open to me in our conversation and accurately articulated what he thought my experience in the fallout was. Not sure I’ve ever felt more understood by a man, let alone an ex. Time surely did change things for us. He ran all those years ago because he felt he couldn’t give me what I needed in a relationship and didn’t want to. I understood so I let him go. I sensed an opening where we could’ve picked up, but I feel like we both want different things and the attraction on my side isn’t really there anymore, though I really care about him and I have a large amount of respect for him. I think it’s probably best we didn’t work out.
I think one reason guys come back years later is partly the time they had to evaluate the entire situation but also could include maturation and priorities. This is not my ex’s particular situation, but sometimes what was important for a guy at age 22 isn’t so important at 39, such as the need for freedom to drink every night with his buddies and spend all his cash on special edition guitars may end up not being as important later on as would be having a woman who would make a dedicated mother/partner or one who has a great sense of humour and would like to participate in the same activist activities as him. I realize this is just spanning across a specific age group, so it’s just an example, but basic point is that priorities can often change with age if people are continuing to move forward and aren’t stuck in one place. I guess that falls under your “mature and grow as people” row on your chart.
But like you said, some guys won’t come back. There are some I don’t expect to see. And by the time the ones that come back do come back (if years later) I find my wounds are long-since healed, I’ve grown, and the balances between us are nothing like they once were.
As for you saying:
“But do keep in mind that the girl you chose to commit to has feelings. She’s the emotional part of your life you committed to and swore to treat well.
And treating well, dear reader includes compromising and easing her anxiety. This makes it your moral obligation (whether you’re a man or a woman) to make certain your partner feels respected and comfortable in the relationship with you.”
–I love how clearly you can see this. I can’t think I’ve been in a relationship where a man has acknowledged this or followed this, particularly with an ex husband. I’ve always been the one having to bend to the rationality of his (I’m with you, you trust and respect me, I would never cheat) and letting him have contact with exes no matter how uncomfortable it made me or I could leave the relationship, basically. When a woman is dealing with these aspects of a relationship with her man, rationality doesn’t necessarily apply, we just need reassurance we can trust and that we are going to be okay, we need to feel heard and safe. It’s rarely rational. Thank you so much for saying this.
Hi Carly.
17 years is a long time. This guy had clearly forgotten about the reasons why your relationship didn’t work and remembered mainly the good nostalgic times. It’s fascinating how exes come back after years. The longest couple that reunited I know had been separated for 40 years. This proves that nostalgia can play with people’s mind in mysterious ways.
Women need reassurance in the relationship. They need it so they feel valued and understood. Many guys don’t understand this. They think that the woman is trying to control the guy and that she’s insecure. But that’s usually not the case. Staying in touch with exes and talking to other girls is wrong on many levels and very few guys seem to understand that. They seem to have strong beliefs about how much privacy they deserve and what they need from their partner to be happy. Your exes haven’t figured this out because they never put themselves in your shoes. They thought from their rational perspective and refused to sympathize. They lacked awareness.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I broke up with my bf about 1.5 months ago, and we’ve been in NC since then. I come here pretty much every day to read every single post and comment again and again. thanks for your work to help people get through the toughest time. I know it’s not enough just say thank you tho.
I am honestly kind of lost what I should be looking for from a relationship. My bf told me before that kind of strong feeling toward your significant other should exist all the time, but unfortunately it wasn’t constant for us. one day he felt something for me, but the otter day it wasn’t. I wonder if he was right on this matter…….
Hi Cate.
Thank you for commenting and reading the blog.
Don’t let your ex’s poor mentality and a lack of relationship knowledge define your relationships. His beliefs are his beliefs and they have nothing to do with you and your ability to have a successful relationship.
Strong feelings toward the person you love exist only if your relationship is healthy and you think good thoughts. Your ex, unfortunately didn’t think positive thoughts. If he did, you wouldn’t have broken up.
Besides, all his relationships so far have failed, so I’m not sure if he’s experienced never-ending strong feelings for another person. Maybe he has for one of his exes who broke his heart?
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for your advice and reply Zan. Much appreciated.
He is in his late 30s, and had only dated two girls before he met me. the first one lasted two months, and the second one only lasted about two weeks, all of which happened long time(more than 5-6 years) ago.
I think your guess is right. He is so attractive to one of his former coworkers, whom he’d tried to date but failed because she was already engaged by that time(she’s a married woman now). Even so, they are still very close to other, hang out, text and travel together regardless of distance. She even flew to England to hang out with my ex(he was there too for a meeting) from the US before attend a conference meeting in Germany. it’s that close.
He told me they only had a chance to work together about six months, but developed very strong relationship during that short period of time, and he liked their conversation flow a lot. Maybe that’s why he is looking for someone similar to her to complete that feelings. I also earned that there is no pure friendship exist btw men and women.
Hi Cate
You ex doesn’t understand that the infatuation phase lasts only a few months and that relationships take some serious effort and willpower to make them work. He’s only had 2 relationship prior to you and they were incredibly short-term. This means that he currently doesn’t possess the skills to maintain a serious relationship.
He’s looking for someone he can stay attracted to forever—which is why I have a feeling that he’s eventually going to get hurt and disappointed. That’s probably when he’ll realize that he’s in charge of his feelings toward people and that the more he invests in them, the more love-like emotions he feels.
Best,
Zan
I always love your work Zan! But I have a question, why has my ex girlfriend unblocked me during I was in no contact and watched my facebook stories almost everyday seeing I was doing fun and smilling, then a month later she blocked me again? I haven’t texted her at all since no contact, what does she think Zan?
Hi Roma Lee.
It’s hard to speculate on this matter, but if I had to guess, I’d say she blocked you again because she got annoyed seeing you happy. She unblocked you expecting to see sad or neutral posts, but instead, got the opposite.
Just my two cents’ worth.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan you’re wise
Thank you, Roma.
Stay strong!
Zan