My Ex Got Married But Still Contacts Me

When your ex gets married but still contacts you, your ex wants to keep you around for advice, reassurance, convenience, and support. Your ex doesn’t want to let you go because your ex is afraid of throwing away the connection and memories you’ve created.

This means your ex still values you as a person, but not as a romantic partner. If your ex valued you more than a friend, your ex wouldn’t just contact you from time to time and see what you’ve been up to. Your ex would compliment you and be much more emotional with you.

Emotions would show that your ex is being nostalgic and that he or she prefers some parts of the past to the present. In other words, it would prove that your ex desires some of your qualities over his/her spouse’s and that your ex may not even be aware of it.

Most people aren’t aware that they fancy another person when they’re already with someone else. They lack the self-awareness to understand what’s going on inside them, so they just do what feels right to them and don’t give their feelings much thought.

They tend to notice what’s going on much later if they develop feelings for another person. But that’s when it’s already too late for them to save their relationship. They don’t want to save it anymore because they feel too excited and validated by another person.

Normally, this doesn’t happen to exes because exes already know each other and tend not to create another infatuation stage in which they would feel drawn to each other. Mutual attraction usually happens between two people who don’t yet know each other on a deep level because such people only see the good in each other.

They have no idea how they behave when things get difficult.

So if your ex got married and still contacts you, bear in mind that your ex probably doesn’t message or call you because your ex still has feelings for you and wants to get back with you. Most married dumpers contact their exes to catch up and start or maintain their friendship.

They want to stay in touch with their exes, so they contact them even though doing so oftentimes confuses their exes and disrespects, angers, and scares their partners.

In this post, we’ll discuss why your married ex still contacts you and what you can do about it.

My ex got married but still contacts me

If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend got married rather quickly (within a year or so) but still contacts you, your ex still remembers your relationship very vividly. Your ex remembers the connection you had, the way you communicated, the inside jokes, the places you frequented, and the things you did together.

Your ex can’t replace you with this new person because memories and reminders of you can’t be replaced with sheer will. But your ex can make new memories and make the old ones fade into the background. For that to happen though, your ex needs time. A few months aren’t even close enough for your ex to cut off the past and laser-focus on the present moment.

Your ex can try, but your ex will still remember that he or she used to say and do certain things with you.

This is especially true if the past was healthy and lasted years. Long-term relationships create loads of memories that exes can’t erase out of their minds simply by dating someone else. They may not think about dumpees a whole lot if their relationship was bad because they automatically focus on happier things that distract them, but if it was good, they remember dumpees quite often.

This can be when they’re bored, curious, anxious, feeling bad for hurting their ex, or having an argument with their new husband or wife. Generally speaking, the quicker the new couple gets married, the fresher their ex will be in their mind.

But don’t new couples go through the honeymoon stage of a new relationship and think mainly about their new partner?

They certainly do get infatuated with their new partner and focus on that person for the most part. But if they don’t develop harmful associations after the breakup, they start thinking about their ex a bit more after they’ve stopped craving space and feeling relieved.

That’s when they stop being limerent, hit the neutrality stage of a breakup, and may even feel guilty for some of the things they said or did. This depends on each person, of course, but some newlywed dumpers who got married months after the breakup think they should update their ex on their marriage and discuss things that need to be discussed.

Things they didn’t have enough time to discuss after the breakup because they rushed into a relationship with someone else.

So if your ex got married soon after breaking up with you but still contacts you, know that your ex may be feeling a bit bad for marrying someone else so quickly after breaking up with you. Your ex may feel this way because your ex is happy while you’re miserable or still dealing with the post-breakup blues.

If your ex didn’t get married quickly, however, then your ex may have other reasons for contacting you. Your ex might still feel a bit guilty, but your ex could also want to keep you around as his or her occasional phone buddy.

Let’s talk about the reasons your married ex still contacts you.

Why does my ex contact me when he’s married?

If dumpers feel responsible or have some kind of unfinished business with their ex such as loans or children/children who got attached to their ex, they sometimes stay in touch for those reasons. They feel they need to compromise with their exes so that there are no hard feelings and that they can continue to benefit from their exes.

Dumpers can benefit from their exes in a myriad of ways. The most common reason exes reach out when they’re married is simply to see if their ex is doing as well as they are. This isn’t to compete as some broken-hearted dumpees assume but to see if their ex is coping well with the breakup/marriage news and enjoying his or her life.

This is very important to them because if they see their ex moving on, they can forgive themselves and stop feeling guilty or bad for hurting their ex. They can just move on with a clear conscience and not worry about the pain they’ve caused their dumpee.

Of course, dumpees oftentimes hide their pain and anxiety so that dumpers don’t get an accurate understanding of their emotional processes. That’s why dumpers think their exes are doing well—and that’s good enough for them.

Another reason why married dumpers contact their exes is that they’re curious about their exes and don’t see anything wrong with talking to an ex when they’re in a relationship. They think their partner doesn’t mind it or need to know and that they have the right to message or call whoever they want even if it’s an ex.

Little do such dumpers know that they’re playing with fire as they’re going behind their spouse’s back and giving their dumpee hope or confusing him or her. Some dumpers think they have the right to privacy and are unaware of the fact that they’re causing problems for both parties involved.

But that doesn’t stop them from reaching out to an ex and talking about things they shouldn’t be talking to an ex about. In their minds, they’re convinced they’re doing the right thing and that no one can take their privileges away. Guys are especially guilty of this kind of thinking as they tend not to understand how women feel and why they should keep their exes out of the picture.

They oftentimes get defensive when their partner expresses emotions and makes them feel that they’re doing something wrong. In reality, their partner is just (emotionally) expressing that she’s hurting and wants to be listened to.

Anyway, your ex could also be contacting you because the honeymoon stage has ended, and now sees things more rationally. Your ex may have noticed that you weren’t that bad to him or her and that keeping you around could keep him or her entertained, supported, and understood. In other words, you could make a pretty good friend as long as you don’t bring up getting back together and end up smothering your ex.

I know that a married ex messaging an ex for no reason may not seem harmful, but people normally aren’t too happy about that. If the dumpee still has feelings for the dumper, he or she feels strung along whereas the new spouse feels threatened (anxious) and disrespected.

Some people are okay with it, but they are few and far between. For many, it depends on whether they have kids or something tying them to their ex, how frequently they communicate, and how they communicate. If they see each other in person and go to each other’s homes, their new partners usually don’t like that too much.

They have a fear that reminds them that anything could happen when their spouse is alone with his or her ex.

Here are 6 reasons why your ex still contacts you after he or she got married.

Why does my married ex want to be friends?

You would think that a married ex has all the support he or she needs, but oftentimes, exes want more. They want the best of both worlds which is to stay friends with their ex and a husband or wife to their partner. They have no problems with keeping two people they were intimate with in their lives because two people to talk to are better than one.

At least in their minds as they don’t know or care that they’re complicating things for the people involved. Even though they have no intention of cheating, that doesn’t change the fact that their spouse is against it and that he or she would rather not have to worry about someone their partner was close to and had plans with in the past.

It’s not that they’re insecure but that they want to eliminate even the tiniest possibility of their spouse’s ex developing feelings and/or interfering with their private life. They want just two people involved in their relationship.

In my opinion, that’s how it should be. Exes (especially the single ones) should keep their distance. They don’t need to disappear completely, but they should not strive for friendship (frequent conversation) unless they’re ready for it (detached) and their partners approve of it.

If you’re trying to understand why your married ex wants to be friends it’s because friendship is convenient for your ex. It gives your ex fellowship, which is the second-best thing you can offer now that you’re an ex. Your ex doesn’t want to stop interacting with you completely just because you’re an ex. Your ex wants to make sure he or she keeps you around to the extent that is comfortable and seems right to your ex.

At this moment, friendship seems right because it’s not crossing any boundaries. But if your ex sees that you got too close or that you distanced yourself, your ex could notice the sudden change and do something about it.

If you get too close, your ex could push you away and if you get too far away, your ex could try to get closer to you.

You should know that you would be the one who does the adjusting because you’d have to settle for what your ex is comfortable with (not what you’re okay with). That could make moving on extremely difficult if you still have feelings for your ex. It’d make you think that your ex still has feelings for you when in reality, your ex just wants to have his or her cake and eat it too.

So if your ex got married but still contacts you, don’t assume that your ex wants you back. Your ex might have doubts if his or her marriage is failing, but if it isn’t, your ex isn’t trying to secure a spot in a relationship with you. Your ex is just moving on and doing what feels right to him or her.

Married ex wants to meet up

If your ex got married but wants to meet up, this can be quite confusing because a married ex shouldn’t be meeting up with his or her exes. The newlywed should be planning the future ahead rather than thinking about the past and bonding with exes.

If your ex isn’t doing that, your ex probably doesn’t have his or her priorities straight. Your ex wants you and his/her spouse to stick around so that your ex can continue “maintaining” his or her relationships.

Your ex’s intentions are probably legit as your ex has no plans to develop feelings for you and betray his or her spouse. But your ex probably lacks the emotional intelligence to see things from his or her partner’s perspective as well as yours.

Parts of emotional intelligence your ex hasn’t developed yet are:

1. Self-awareness
2. Empathy

These are the skills your ex needs to hone to do the right thing. The right thing to do in a case where your ex is confusing you (perhaps even hurting you) and causing problems for his/her spouse is to stop communicating with you so frequently and focus on his or her marriage.

Your ex can’t put 100% into marriage if he or she is meeting up with exes and making things difficult for all parties involved.

What do I do if my ex keeps contacting me as a married person?

It’s not your job to educate your ex on principles of right and wrong, but here’s what you can do if your ex got married and still contacts you. It’s not a simple do this or do that answer because it depends on your situation.

Here are 4 different solutions to 4 different situations.

If you still have feelings for your ex, tell your ex you need more time to focus on yourself and that you’ll let your ex know if you change your mind about communicating.

If you don’t have feelings for your ex and want to be friends, congratulate your ex on getting married and ask your ex if his or her spouse knows that he or she contacted you. If your ex’s spouse is aware of the communication between you and your ex and is okay with it, you can talk to your ex from time to time (don’t make it a regular thing as your next partner may not like it and will likely make it harder to distance yourself from your ex because you’ll develop a bond).

If your partner doesn’t like it, say you don’t think you want to communicate and that you’d like to do no contact. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) say that your boyfriend or girlfriend is insecure and that you have to do what your partner says. Relationships matters are between you and your partner.

If you have kids together or kids who are attached to you or your ex, see if it’s possible to get along for the sake of the kids. If kids are old enough to have cell phones, they may not need adults to set up meetups/communicate through them. Basically, only discuss matters that are about kids and other unfinished business that needs urgent communication.

And if you’re not sure what you want yet, say that you appreciate him or her reaching out but that you’re not sure if friendship is best for you right now and that you’ll let your ex know when you’ve made a decision. If you later decide you want friendship, you can say you’re ready for it. And if you aren’t, you can say you’ve decided to keep your distance for a while and that you mean no harm. You can also not say anything, but that may not be ideal as your ex might reach out after a while to see what you’ve decided.

I hope you’ve learned why your married ex still contacts you. If you did and you know what to do, post a comment below the post. We’d like to hear your plan of action.

And if your situation is more complicated and want our help, sign up for coaching here.