The power of no contact after a breakup is so incredible, it always creates the best possible outcome for the dumpee.
No contact does two things.
- It provides the dumper with space and freedom to experience life without the dumpee.
- It gives the dumpee relationship clarity and allows him or her to detach from the dumper and move on as quickly and smoothly as possible.
The power of no contact after a breakup is the most effective when it’s done the right way—the indefinite no contact way. Any other way, such as using the limited, 30-day no contact rule is almost never a good idea.
That’s because no contact is not a rule that should ever be done partially (not to its full extent). NC is not defined by a certain amount of time. That’s where the name indefinite comes from, after all.
No contact after a breakup is indefinite – forever. There are very few exceptions to this rule. But just because no contact might not work in these few situations, it doesn’t mean that you should initiate contact anyway.
No contact is powerful and it’s the best option even if you were the absolute worst person on the planet to your ex. It has always been the best, most reliable method for attracting an ex back.
No contact is so effective because the dumpee accepts the dumper’s terms and conditions and forces himself or herself not to push the dumper further away.
By no means is this an easy task because staying away from the dumper when separation anxiety is high is painful. That’s why implementing this self-imposed no contact rule is so important. It’s the one and only way to regain composure and self-respect and allow your ex to miss you if life doesn’t go according to plan for your ex.
The indefinite no contact rule is essentially a power technique. It’s based on the push-pull dynamics as it enables the dumper to slowly come back on his or her own terms.
Conversely, if the dumpee tries to skip the time it takes the dumper to process the breakup, he or she could end up pushing the dumper far away (maybe even forever). And that could make the dumpee even more hurt and desperate for a connection.
But luckily, the no contact rule exists to work in the favor of the dumpee as it slowly pulls the dumper back into the dumpee’s life.
Whether the dumper contacts the dumpee usually depends on two things:
- how happy the dumper is with his or her new partner/life
- the post-breakup mistakes the dumpee makes.
In this post, we’ll talk about the power of no contact after the breakup.
The power of no contact
The power of no contact after a breakup works mysteriously. It works without the dumpee’s awareness little by little—one day at a time. Sometimes it makes the dumper reach out to appease guilt, and other times, it gradually returns the dumpee’s strength and worth.
The thing with no contact is that dumpees expect big results immediately. They want to see their ex come back to them and go back to being in a loving relationship with their ex. But, unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way as dumpers need quite some time to realize the dumpees’ worth.
They don’t just need time. They need to encounter some kind of negative event that forces them to reflect and think about the dumpee.
Moreover, this realization can only occur with time spent away from the dumpee. The reason for that is that people don’t realize what they have until they lose it or, better yet—until they replace it with something worse. This is a great example of why rebound relationships fail so often.
People can’t connect with someone new, so they come back to reconnect with their ex.
It makes perfect sense that humans are the happiest when they upgrade their lives from something bad or average to better. For example, they’re happy when they go from a:
- low-paying job to a better one
- slow computer to a fast one
- small tv to a big one
- bad girlfriend to a good one
As long as our lives are improving, we are happy. But the moment we switch to something worse, we become regretful and nostalgic. People can’t stand downgrading to worse. And it works the same way for dumpers. It hurts them a lot when they see that they’ve made a bad decision and that their ex might be happy.
This is one of the biggest reasons why dumpers sometimes come running back during no contact. They simply can’t find a person better than their ex, so they come running.
Get rid of false hope
Regrettably, even if you do everything right—from A to Z, not all dumpers eventually have an epiphany. That’s why if you’re hoping to get your ex back, you must stop holding on. Hope is only going to delay your recovery by ruining your health and delaying the time it takes to fall back in love with yourself.
Instead of staying hooked on your ex, follow the rules of no contact every dumpee should follow and do your best to start moving on from your ex today. Follow these rules even if you think you messed up badly because if you don’t, your ex will probably tell you to take a hike and affect your self-esteem even more.
The effects of no contact
Giving the dumper time is essential in all breakups. That’s because you can’t force your way back into your ex’s heart in an angry or cold demeanor, by crying, apologizing, pretending to be happy, or by using any other full-contact strategy. You’ve likely tried doing that already, so get rid of the “I have to do something or my ex will move on” mentality.
Instead of portraying insecure traits, allow the power of no contact after the breakup to do its magic. If you do, it will guide your ex back on your ex’s terms and not yours.
Also, remember that if your ex wants to contact you, he or she will do so of his or her own accord. You don’t need to remind your ex that you’re still ready to talk because your ex knows that. He or she broke up with you after all, and will likely contact you when all negative post-breakup emotions disappear.
Once they’ve disappeared, your ex will have to battle his or her ego before messaging you in some indirect way. We call indirect, meaningless messages breadcrumbs.
Your ex might even feel guilty about contacting you at first so take that into consideration as well. Again, you need to let him or her swim past the river of guilt as there is no other way.
Under no condition should you make the job easier on your ex by reaching out first. Your ex has to lower his or her ego so that you can once again be on an equal footing.
So whatever you do, don’t try to skip this phase. If you do, your ex will get annoyed, push you away and treat you horribly as a result of your low self-respect.
Furthermore, your ex may even try to lure you into messaging him or her by:
- hinting that his or her rebound relationship has ended
- posting sad, nostalgic or regretful quotes on Facebook
- changing his or her profile picture to your favorite band
- telling your friends that he or she misses you
Please note that it doesn’t matter what’s going on in your ex’s life. You have to stay in no contact even if your ex has a million signs pointing toward messaging him or her. You simply don’t break no contact at any cost!
While you’re waiting for your ex to deal with his or her own issues, let the no contact rule do its work and stand back to focus on your life. He or she will probably contact you in the future as your chances of hearing from your ex are over 90%, after all.
Find out whether you truly want your ex
The thing with exes is that we want them for all the wrong reasons. We don’t want them because they are truly the best for u but because we’re miserable without them.
While dumpees like dumpers for who they are, dumpers, on the other hand, don’t. For whatever reason, dumpers stop loving dumpees and leave in search of a better life.
If they find that life, the truth is that they don’t come back. They keep moving on on their own or with someone else. Always remember that dumpers come back only when things go awry. That’s when they return to dumpees to secure a spot in their ex’s heart.
So when and if your ex comes crying back, know that it will happen for a very good reason. Your ex won’t come back just because he or she misses you. Your ex will come back because he or she is unhappy and lacks the strength to move on without you.
Do you REALLY want your ex back?
If your ex comes back and you think it’s because you’re irresistible, that’s completely fine by me. But please be aware that your ex wanted to abandon you cowardly and actually erased you from his or her mind for a while—or at least wanted to for as long as he or she was happy.
If this is something you can tolerate, then sure, give your ex another chance. Your ex might have learned his lessons and become more mature. If you can’t forgive your ex, however, then whatever you do, don’t try to punish your ex. Your ex is well aware of his or her sins and doesn’t need you to deliver justice. You don’t have the right to do that.
Anyway, as you stay in no contact, time away from your ex will allow you to gain some relationship insight and help you figure out if getting back together is truly the most sensible thing to do.
Oftentimes, dumpees get treated horribly prior to the breakup and sometimes even after. But despite that, they still want their dumpers back. This occurrence—called dumpee’s syndrome occurs because of painful separation anxiety and the psychological and biological symptoms that breakups create.
The main reason why dumpees feel they absolutely need their exes back is that emotions run high after a breakup. They run so high that they neglect themselves and desperately wish to soothe their anxiety and get validated.
I have previously written a self-evaluation article for dumpees to discern whether they REALLY love their exes. So if you are indecisive about whether you want your ex back, I urge you to take the test.
Let your ex figure out if he or she wants you back
The second part of no contact is for your ex to explore his or her options. This includes enjoying life without you and dating others (gulp).
On the day of the breakup when the dumper breaks up with the dumpee, he or she doesn’t want his or her ex back. The dumper’s decision is always final, meaning that there’s no changing his or her mind.
Just how you have the right to find a person who is the best fit for you, so does your ex. And your ex is going to take it. Please keep in mind that your ex isn’t going to wait around for you and see if he or she feels something toward you at some point in the future.
When your ex is done, he or she is done. So as hard as the breakup has been, you need to be done as well. It’s hard, but if you care about your well-being, do everything in your power to move on from your ex as there is no health and time to waste.
As far as we know, there’s only one life. Make sure not to waste it on your ex.
If your ex decides to come back
As time goes on and your ex can’t find someone as good as you, your ex will then finally have an epiphany.
He or she will contact you and try to crawl back to you. When this happens, you won’t know what your ex’s objective is as the power of no contact after a breakup won’t speak for your ex. It will remain silent and let you figure out your e’s intentions.
You might see some signs that your ex still loves you, but you may also not notice any signs at all.
Exes usually come crying back at full speed the moment they have an emotional breakdown. So don’t lose faith in the power of no contact.
Although no contact works slowly, exes come running back fast and want you back right away. That’s because they’re in pain and look for the quickest way to make themselves feel better.
If your ex never comes back
The power of no contact after a breakup will never let you down, regardless of the outcome. You may want your ex back right now, but you won’t feel this way forever. If you are open-minded and take the necessary steps to leave your ex behind, you will ultimately let your ex go.
Eventually, you will no longer depend on him or her for your validation and will, as a matter of fact—feel great without your ex. You won’t just feel better, you will feel WAY better than you felt before you got together with your ex.
This is because you’ll have pulled through months of depression and anxiety and will finally be back to your fully-healed self.
For you to get to an exhilarated state, you must, however, become self-aware of your recovery and want to feel better, too. Willpower, positivity, and optimism are key to anything in life, so get in the right mindset right away.
Your whole view on life can change after separation. That’s why the power of no contact after a breakup is so powerful.
You may not see it that way, but dumpees are “blessed” with the breakup as they are given an amazing opportunity to better themselves and outgrow the dumper by a mile.
Some of the things dumpees improve in are:
- finances
- physical and mental health
- well-being
- social circle
- personality and characteristics
- bad behavioral patterns and shortcomings
- confidence and self-esteem
The saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger definitely applies to breakups as people learn from mistakes and failures the most. They make a decision to grow, and that’s what they do. They focus on their shortcomings and turn them into strengths.
This is why breakups are a blessing in disguise only for those people who truly wish to change. And since dumpees are often depressed and desperate for reconciliation, they are usually those people.
As for the dumpers, they don’t have an incentive to change. Not yet anyway. They must first find the reason to want to become better people. Perhaps getting dumped by someone they like a lot will do the trick.
It’s not the end of the world!
The power of no contact after a breakup heals all wounds. It even heals broken hearts that haven’t gotten closure. It’s a remedy for all types of breakups.
So if it seems like it’s the end of the world, try to believe in the power of no contact to do its magic. Trust the process of no contact with your recovery by focusing on letting go of someone you love who doesn’t love you.
Imagine yourself detoxing from an unhealthy attachment and getting rid of everything that no longer serves you. And while you’re at it, think of your past relationship as an opportunity to extract all valuable lessons from it.
A time will come when you experience similar issues and will have to showcase improvement. If you take your breakup seriously and sincerely put enough thought and effort into improving your flaws, rest assured that you will react differently.
It may not be with the same person, but similar situations will most likely come your way. Think of those situations as a chance to redeem yourself for your wrongdoings and past mistakes.
Do you feel the power of no contact after a breakup? How long has it been since your breakup? Leave a comment below this article.
And if you want to sign up for breakup coaching, click here to get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan.
41 days into no contact, i got the breadcrumb you mentioned. Funnily enough the day after his Birthday which i stayed NC. He sent me a video, no words nothing but the video. Funny but not really relevant. (A man paying a woman to win an argument)
I reacted with a thumbs up. Wasn’t going to type any words when he hasn’t. It’s been silence since and we are now on day 62. Fear is getting the better of me today. Maybe i should of replied?asked how he was?
Hi MsMunch.
Don’t worry about replying. It’s been so long that he’s stopped thinking about it. Also, if he had something important to say, he would have said it even though you sent a thumbs up.
Kind regards,
Zan
Just hit seven months of no contact after many weeks of chasing. I’ve come very close to reaching out 4 or 5 times, but the little Zan on my shoulder saved me at the finish line!
Some days I feel confident that my ex will reach out eventually, other days are filled with sadness. She fully blames me for leaving but I know she contributed. I’ve completely owned and corrected my mistakes, I hope she can do the same soon.
Hi JP.
I’m happy you managed to stay in no contact. It wasn’t easy, but you knew that reaching out wouldn’t have helped you get your ex back. It would only have pushed your ex further away.
Reconciliation is in her hands. Whether she comes back or not, keep letting go of hope and improving yourself. Do that for yourself and your future partner, whomever that may be.
Regards,
Zan
Absolutely NC the best way ..as ive learned its taken time and ive tried and she always contacted me for whatever reason. Stuff,be friend s ,more stuff etc. finally i said we do not need to contact anymore or talk ..Weeks later contact again for one last thing one month ago. Said her sorrys for what she did.. Told me i was kind caring and that i didn’t deserve what happened etc Nothing on reconciliation at this point. Been 5 months of this. The last month since a merry xmas Was all That s happened. No new years nothing at this point which is fine. I want NC ANYWAYS unless there is talk of maybe “ if I decide reconciliation at this point. That being said I highly recommend NC as hard as it is for some… Personally its not for myself as i have many many good friends and support women and buddies ..but its taken time to be in fully NC as the meaningless reachouts kept me from healing. And now im in full
NC and no more meaningless reach outs should happen as all
Her stuff is moved out ..,I also highly recommended staying off social media for sometime. And do not torcher yourself as i did months ago looking at exs posts and stupid stories..it does not help move on nor will it. Until one day you have personally healed and feel
Okay being friends. For myself being friends isnt an option at all for maybe months and months or a year or more down the road …all the best out there to everyone. And remember there are others that will value u and respect u like we all deserve… people that leave u do for a reason. Whether u get back is everyone s personal choice. But always remember your self
Worth and yourself being number one!! Health and mental health. No one deserves s to be treated like an “option” or a “piece of garbage!! We all
Deserve happiness. So if that day does come and an ex comes crawling back reallllly evaluate the situation and hope most have healed enough to make a proper decision. And i can attest from many year s of dating and one failed marriage that they all come back one time or another whether you are ready or not or if u even care anymore by that point!! Hold your power and strength tight and always always remember your self
Worth!!!!! Zan your articles are amazing my friend. All
The best as i love reading them cheers. Btw 5/12 month of trying the NC AND SHE ALWAYS REACHED OUT. I NEVER DID ONCE. ALWAYS EX. SO SOMETIMES U MAY HAVE TO SAY POLITELY PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME ANYMORE UNTIL YOU /YOURSELF ARE READY TO BE FRIENDS OR WANNA TALK OF RECONNECTING!!! Cause some just dont get being friends does not work when u still
Love someone and care and wanna be with that person!! Its about YOU NOW not THEM!!!!!!!
Hi Rip.
I’m glad you feel much better. No contact can be hard, but it must be done in order to heal and build up self-esteem. It should be your ex who contacts you to get back together. If it’s just a breadcrumb, you need to ask her not to reach out again.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hi, what happens when the dumper wants to go back with the dumpee but now the roles invert. Now the dumpee tells the dumper that he doesn’t want to go back, can the dumper (now the new dumpee) use the Indefinite No Contact Rule and have success?
IMO the no contact in such situation doesn’t work. Lets wait for ZAN’s opinion.
Hi Madeleyne.
If the dumpee becomes the dumper, the person who wants his or her ex back must use no contact. The indefinite no contact rule can work in this case, but it may not if an ex has fully detached and developed resentment.
Best regards,
Zan
What if a person who dumped us did so without beeing shure that he is making a right decision. My ex( its very weird to say that since has been 2 days just) broked up with me cause he didnt know what he wants of life. He claims he loves me but since we are long distance he is scared of our future, also many people are telling him that we cant have good future. So he said is best to stop now our relationship(after 4y) when we called I saw that he is very hesitant and he even said he is afraid he will regret his decision. But he thinks we should write i said ok at first but after one day i thought mabye that will just make my hopes bigger. So my worst problem is having hope that he will change his mind since he is not shure in anything right now. I feel terrible, lost weight already even before breakup since one month he was depressed and not shure and i was very anxious. I cant eat and wake up feeling anxious and depressed feel nauseus and already I am underweight. I said I cant write and he asked till when so I said 2 weeks. I dont know I just dont want to give up but in same time I want to get over it if there is really no chance we will be together Every single moment we were together was so great so all this comed as a shock. I wish he was shure or that he said he doesnt love me, think I would recover much faster.
Hi Zan! NC worked! He finally texted me after 28 days of NC! We had tried staying “friends” after he ended the relationship. We stayed in regular contact for a couple months which unfortunately turned into him becoming distant and cold. Typical right? So I went into hardcore NC. I didn’t initiate any contact, but sadly neither did he. Now he’s come out of hiding and apologized for being distant and just said he was dealing with alot but is feeling better and hopes we could meet for coffee or a drink. We had a light and friendly conversation etc. It was great to connect with him again. Good right? But now I haven’t heard from him again. Just silence. Wtf? It’s been about 6 days since he reached out. What happened? I assume I go into NC again?
Trust me, it’s not worth the problems. Just been there, you are better than this, stop replying and ignore the cowardly behaviour. This article is the best, NC is powerful in allowing you to heal. It may take a long time, it took me 7 months, but ignore the person and heal yourself, they are not worth the worry. Get out and look for people who value you.
It has been a nightmare. My ex, whom I was head over heals with, fell in love with another man. I screwed up in the relationship but dearly love her. I have struggled immensely over the last 6 months since I left her house. We were together for 10 years. Now she wanted ZERO to do with me. Basically, she says she still cares about me…..but as a friend. She told me we could “have coffee” or “go for a walk” once in a while. So I ask here how that would work?! So, let me get this straight…I am still in love with you, and, you want me to be your friend while you go home after meeting me and fuck your boyfriend in the house while I stay in complete depression and go home? Ummmmmm that sound pretty fucking awful. I did try though. I tried to be her friend. I can not love someone and “hang out with them”. It is literally impossible. So, I guess she basically has no feelings for me at all. Nothing.
My ONLY recourse is to go no contact. Not for her. This is for me. I have had very hard withdraw symptoms from this. It is almost like I am withdrawing from a serious drug like cocaine or heroin. I have not talked to her in a couple weeks. It is really hard!! but is is better than losing my shit every time I have contact. It always ends up in complete disaster. I am trying
So im in no contact for some months now, shes kept contacting me after i tried to just not making the first move and also after ive told her not to contact me unless she wants to work on our relationship. She is in a new relationship which id call a rebound but that doesn’t matter at this point.
My advice for you guys in a breakup situation is to go no contact and stay there! You have to work on yourself no matter what and never stop doing it.
What i can tell from personal experience: Staying no contact will allow you to develop yourself, if you accept the challenge and stay motivated.
Everytime she contacted me gave me a short boost of selfesteem and motivation which vanished also after a short time and hit me really hard after. Ive developed the will to stay on my way and keep on going but the bottom line ive learned of this is:
If you stay somehow in contact it will kill your attempt on moving on (which is essential for living a happy life without them but also for reconciliation)
A little story at the end which may help you stay motivated:
One of the biggest accomplishments i did since the breakup was to loose about 20 Kg and going to the gym at least 2 times a week – also building muscle and changing my appearance overall. This made me more confident and helped a lot to get my mind free.
About 3 Months in no contact and not seeing her i had a big struggle going to the gym.. i was arguing to myself all day but i did go to the gym saying “Fuck motivation, this is for the future you”
So i went to the gym, had one of the best and hardest workouts ever and at the end of it, walking to the locker room i’ve noticed my ex there.. walking by her looking straight forward putting my chest out and thinking “fuck you”
After changing me clothes ive seen her with a devastated face.. when i woke up the next day ive got a instagram notification.. she accidentally liked one of my pics..so she was stalking me!
For you the little things are important, but you’ll only have a big impact on them, if you stay away and give them the time
You will get your Ex back or just dont care about it anymore at one point
Trust me,trust Zan and most of all trust the process!
Thanks for the amazing comment, Lucky!
It’s truly motivational.
Kind regards,
Zan
After I divorced my ex wife for her serial cheating I lost 50 pounds and doubled my income after going back to school. Her life went down the toilet including bankruptcy.
At the time of her cheating she treated me horrible including staying out overnight at her lovers place without contacting me (one of the worst nights of my life). She was power tripping and really full of herself and my self esteem was shattered and I groveled What goes around comes around.
My current ex is a much better person so I’m open to reconciliation. In the meantime I’ll level up again.
What if you told your ex you’re doing no contact? Last time I reached out, a month after the BU, I told her I was not going to have any kind of contact and I told her that I was closing that door for good because she sent me mixed signal at that time, but in the end she didn’t want a reconciliation. I did it for my own sanity, no one wants to stay in that limbo and it seemed like she was using me as a backup plan.
Problem is, I still want her back after 1 month of NC and I think I made things worse pulling away from her. Is my situation hopeless?
Hi Gin
It depends on what your ex is feeling toward you and herself.
If she wants you back, you will hear from her no matter what you’ve told her.
Best of luck!
Zan
Zan, thanks for another helpful article. Can you expand a little bit or maybe write an article on techniques on how to “lose false hope”? No contact and healing works against each other in some sense because one function of no contact is supposed to help pull your ex back to you. Knowing that no contact could pull your ex back to you unfortunately also means there’s a sliver of hope, however false it may be. Do you have any techniques on how to “lose false hope” during no contact? I’ve done everything from A-Z in terms of no contact, and it’s helped, but this is the last obstacle that I can’t seem to get over.
Honesty, I feel like time is the answer here. Time and the understanding that it isn’t a tool to pull your ex back. It is 100% for you to heal, and is coincidentally the best hope you have to get your ex back. Don’t expect it to work – successful reconciliation is rare. I still have days of wanting it, after nearly 5 months. But the aim is to get to the point where you could honestly take it or leave it. And frankly, the option will only appear when you’re totally detached from the outcome. Stay strong!
Morgan, appreciate your helpful reply. I think while time is important, the acknowledgment that NC isn’t a “tool” to get him/her back, but that it only coincidentally helps (and often-times ineffectively so), is the greater lesson learned. Seems like you are doing better than me in half the time!
Hi Anon.
Thanks for the amazing recommendation! I will definitely write an article about losing hope soon.
Losing hope is no easy task. As long as you’re attached to your ex, you will, unfortunately, have hope. And since your ex broke up with you, you’re attached to her at x10 the magnitude.
It goes without saying that time heals all wounds, but there’s more that can be done about it. The best breakup cure is staying as busy as you possibly can and physically exhausting yourself. Exercising on a daily basis does wonders. The more you push your ex out of your mind, the more you will be able to forget about her and the less emotional you will get when you do think about her. Less thinking about her = less nostalgic emotions which means better recovery.
When the time is right, dating others should also help you get her off your mind. Avoid rebounding of course or things could get even worse.
If that doesn’t help, get a pen and paper and write down your ex’s bad characteristics. Put down reasons why your ex could never make you happy and look at it whenever you feel hopeful. Believe it too!
Remind yourself that your ex is not the one for you otherwise she would not have let go of you and that someone else will be better suited for you.
I’ll think of more and better ways to let go of an ex and lose hope in the upcoming article.
Best of luck!
Zan