This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper is going through the elation stage of a breakup for a man or woman, there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Thank you for this article! It is really like a recipe for a breakup!
I have wondered why my ex was so sure that he wanted to leave me and is ok with having no contact with me, why he says he doesnt love me when I could feel his love right up until the end. I have been a wonderful girlfriend and I was so mad that he left even though I stayed with him through everything. Why met up again and it was wonderful, I fell in love again and he seemed to love me too, it was so romantic, but when I asked if he loved me he said no again and then we went into no contact. How could he choose not to have this happiness in his life, when we are so happy together? And now when I reached out he just seemed so cold and different and I couldnt understand why he would continue to hurt me. But now I understand thanks to this article!<3 It really gives me solace knowing he will feel sad or regret it eventually.
But my question is however, if he ever would breadcrumb, how should I reply? Should I just ignore his message, or answer in a warm tone/cold tone? How could this affect how he sees me? Can I make him want me more depending how I answer? Or does answering scare him away?
Hi Anita.
Dumpers often stay loving until the end. They stop loving their partner only when the breakup happens. That’s because they push themselves to detach and give up completely.
Your ex needs time to recover. Don’t reach out and expect him to be the loving person he was when he was with you. You’re dealing with a breakup now, and must trust it as such. If he breadcrumbs you, reply and ask for space. It will make you more attractive because you won’t give him what he wants for free. If he doesn’t regret leaving you, nothing you say will make him want to be with you more. Wait for something to change his mind and keep moving on.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey anita kya hm hindi me bat kr skate hai,
Hey there, this website is great. My ex gf broke up with me ~3 months ago. About 6 weeks ago I made the mistake of sending a letter- not wishy washy, but owning my faults and thanking her for holding her own space so I could realize my misteps (I was going through a lot and was emotionally unavailable and frustrated with a lot of difficulties outside of the relationship). I wrote that I wouldn’t ask for a second chance, but perhaps a first chance one day, as I loved the man I was becoming. I meant every word and I have been crushing it in the gym, doing a lot of therapy, meditation, and studying self-improvement. I have absolutely been kicking butt in self-improvement. She is a very stubborn, wonderful woman… I am wondering if I can still salvage this? She never responded, but I do know she cares about me, just knowing her. I am starting to look at other women, but I still love my ex and would love a chance to show her the man I have started becoming. My friends and family all say I sound and look different, way more grounded. Regardless I know I will be okay, but this is a special woman and I think we would be a great couple if given the chance. Thanks for all these resources!
Hi Michael H.
Your ex needs time to focus on herself and process things, so don’t expect her to engage in communication. She’s not interested in conversing even if topics are non-pressuring and about your realizations and improvements. At the moment, the thought of conversing with you smothers her and makes her feel uncomfortable. You need to give her space and let her reach out when she’s ready.
Keep working on yourself and perhaps one day, you’ll hear from her and show her the new you.
Best wishes,
Zan
Hi me and my ex split nearly 5 weeks ago she contacted me on the 28th something to do with the washing machine being broke and how did I fix it last time. Which she shouldn’t have done as she could have looked on Google. Is 5 weeks still raw? I’ve been told she does miss me etc I’m trying my hardest to not reach out, when she texted me I did message her back but was polite but I just don’t get it. I’m doing the no contact so had to start it again from thr 28th as that’s when I last spoke to her, we shared a house together so the first few weeks was about coming to get my stuff signing 5he flat over to her etc should I start no contact all over again or just start it from the 28.06.2023? Thank you 🙂
Hi Louise.
No contact is indefinite, so just go back in it. You can count from day 1 if you’d like. Just don’t reach out to your ex. If she reaches out again, consider the reach-out a breadcrumb and do your best to avoid it.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there what do u mean by indefinite? And is 5 weeks still a raw break up? What emotions would she be feeling just now? Thanks
Hi Louise.
You have to do no contact forever. You can’t reach out no matter what. 5 weeks is nothing. She’s probably in the elation stage.
Sincerely,
Zan
She told our friend on the 27th of June that she didn’t know what she wants. Will she be missing me as she’s told 2 people that she does.
She just texted me there asking if I wanted the sofa if not she going to throw it out I said ‘ no it’s okay I don’t mean to be mean but I’m trying to heal and you texting me is helping I’m honestly not being mean’ she said I was just asking about the sofa but ok’ then I said ‘ thank you for asking me about the sofa’ then she said ‘ no worries’ I’m not sure if I made her upset. I did say wen we first split that I wanted the sofa but I don’t now. I would have thought she would have asked me earlier on in the breakup
Hi Louise.
Not knowing what she wants means that she knows what she doesn’t want (a relationship with you). She has different plans for now. She will miss you romantically only if she wants you back.
Best,
Zan
She just texted me there asking if I wanted the sofa if not she going to throw it out I said ‘ no it’s okay I don’t mean to be mean but I’m trying to heal and you texting me is helping I’m honestly not being mean’ she said I was just asking about the sofa but ok’ then I said ‘ thank you for asking me about the sofa’ then she said ‘ no worries’ I’m not sure if I made her upset. I did say wen we first split that I wanted the sofa but I don’t now. I would have thought she would have asked me earlier on in the breakup
Hi Louise.
She wanted to do the right thing, but may have gotten offended. That’s okay, though. We don’t live in a perfect world. She’ll get over it.
Stay in NC.
Best regards,
Zan
Will she miss me and think of me
She thinks about you from time to time. But she may not miss you yet, at least not the way you want her to.
Best,
Zan
I want her back though
We are in the same boat. I hope it works out for you in the end the best way possible internet stranger.
Hi Zan.. great read. I just have one brief question. My now baby-daddy left two months ago when our daughter was 4 months old. He relayed this by message, packed up from our home and left me to figure everything out on my own. Never to be heard from again.. no child upkeep despite agreeing to it.. no follow up on the well being of his child. Does he still experience the same post breakup stages?
Hi Lin.
He probably is. Don’t reach out no matter how badly you want to talk to him. He’s processing things at his own pace. Always remember he has to come to you.
Best,
Zan
Lin he sounds like a piece of garbage. I hope you aren’t even considering taking filth like that back. No contact forever with him I say.
Hi Zan,
first of all I want to say that your articles have really helped me to develop a better understanding in what goes on in both parties minds, the psychological processes they experience and you got me hooked on reading psychology books! Keep up the good work.
Now here’s my story – my ex broke up with me almost 2 years ago, blocked me everywhere + my number, unadded me on every platform right before going to study abroad claiming that I was the one to blame for everything in the relationship and its ending, while previously making long-term plans for us. As you would suppose, I have been through every stage of the dumpee and months later (I wanted to be ready for a new relationship) I found a new partner and still waited a respectable amount of time to be with someone new to avoid making him the rebound. However, that wasn’t the case with my ex. He did everything you wrote about – from suddenly partying to downloading Tinder, basically- 180° change. Of course that only made me feel worse, but helped me get over him and lose my attachment to him.
We did meet a year after the breakup at a club and he completely ignored me and I only told him that he could have at least said hello given the amount of time we were together. No response BUT he did stare at me and my boyfriend all night, constantly trying to get my attention, passing us however he could even coming very close by my new partner to dance. That felt really weird for a person who drastically removed me from his life. I did find that he unblocked me by checking his account because of this whole situation and it was public, the very next day it was made private. He hasn’t reached out tho. I have no interest in getting back together with him, but he did hurt me the most anyone ever has and I can’t help to wonder if all his actions are based on guilt for the way he treated me or is it something else. I would be very happy to hear your thoughts on this!
Greetings, Maria
Hi Maria.
He wanted your attention (not forgiveness and reconciliation). He must have felt curious and jealous. So much so that he walked past you multiple times. He lacked the courage to approach you, so he hoped that you’d say something to him. After not speaking with you for two years, he developed curiosity and thought that talking to you would assuage it.
Don’t look into it. If he wanted you back or if it was something important that actually interested you, he would have made a move despite being afraid.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My partner and I broke up two months ago. We live in a very small ski town and were on and off for two years before he actually ended things. I suffered a serious injury to my knee and have been having an incredibly hard time with that and he broke up with me only a few weeks after that.
Unfortunately we slept together a few more times after we initially broke up which still led to him saying he didn’t want to get back together and from
What I know started sleeping around shortly after that. We haven’t spoken for a little while but he still watches my stories feom time to time and I bump into him but we don’t speak. What do you think this means going forward
Hi Juliet.
It means he felt bad for leaving you and doesn’t want to reconcile. He’s just being polite for the most part. His watching your stories also doesn’t mean anything. All it means is that he doesn’t despise you. You need to go no contact and stay in it until he changes his mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
I am not 100% sure if my ex ended our 5 year relationship 6 months ago because she was monkey branching or not. I never discovered a smoking gun so to say she was cheating on me, but from the information I discovered, it makes it seem very likely this is the case. My question is that if she was cheating, she had no time to process our relationship and has only gone through the elation stage it appears. But if she was not cheating and got with this new guy recently (within the past 5-6 weeks), did that give her enough time (about 4-5 months) for her to go through all of the dumper stages of the breakup and does it mean there is little to no chance she is coming back?
Hi Ed.
If she cheated, she had already processed the breakup. She developed expectations of the new guy and fell out of love with you. She doesn’t have to suffer the way dumpees do because they don’t experience a shock from rejection. Depending on how long she waited before she jumped into a new relationship, her breakup stages could be delayed by a few months.
Her monkey-branching to a new relationship doesn’t decrease the chances of her coming back. What matters is how happy she is about her decision.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Just a silly question, I caught my girlfriend (now she is an ex) talking to another guy so I dumped her. Am I myself considered as a dumper?
Hi TonyG.
Technically, you’re the dumper. But if she’d already developed feelings for the person in question, then the relationship was going to end anyway and you did her a favor.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
A quick summary, I was the dumper of a 2 year relationship where I felt I wasn’t happy with myself and had lots of pressure from my partner to be better. I have now read many of your articles and decided to comment; I am at the stage of sadness and see a future where we can be together again. However it has been 6 months and they are now seeing someone. I understand the no contact rule but I am still sad and see your other comments talking about if they care they would not try to be your friend which brings me to my next question, no contact yes. Yet are gifts bad? I want to remain in their mind as an option in the future if their current relationship fails.
Hi Ped.
You can tell your ex you’ve changed your mind, but once you’ve done that, give your ex space to focus on his/her new relationship. Your ex will decide if getting back with you is worth it and will also keep in mind that he or she can contact you if the new relationship fails.
Kind regards,
Zan
My husband of 35 years left for another woman out of the blue. Seriously, out of the blue. The longer the relationship the longer phases last. He actually did a ‘cut and run’, hasn’t contacted our son or grandson in over a year. I don’t know how that applies to him being the dumper and the stages he will go through. Apparently his elevation of leaving is lasting a very, very long time.
Hi Jan.
Your husband stopped caring. If he’s a good person, it will take a while before he stops feeling infatuated/elated and sees what he did to you and the families involved. When he does realize it, you might not need his apology anymore.
Stay strong!
Zan
I was with someone for 6 months. She seems to have some narcissistic personality traits. Loves to be the center of attention, highly sensitive to how people perceive her, and easily finds faults with people, including now me. Her few close friends and family really liked me.
Broke up 6 months ago. She’s still seems to be negative and badmouthing me. Do people with narcissistic personality traits go through the same stages you outlined?
Hi John.
Narcissists hit the regret stage when something unfortunate and painful happens to them. That’s when they get hurt, become nostalgic, and reach out to their ex.
Try to lose hope and recover from her mistreatment, John.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan
I do see these stages happening to my ex boyfriend. Well would have been better if I know it earlier. So right after the break up I was there for him as an “emotional pillow” and soon after that he stoped talking to me and started fantasizing about other girls. He was so elated. He asked if we could be friend. I said NO but I was so stupid that later on I was his “emotional pillow” again and he ignored me again. At that time he said he needs to focus on himself, his career and fixing his self-control. I know he cares a lot about his career but I also understand it was just an excuse for not wanting to be with me. He still kept fantasizing about this girl or that girl all the time but he is still single (maybe because he doesn’t have a chance wirh those girls). He also spent his time on studying new skill plus some useless stuffs like partying, playing video games, smoking weed. I was so fed up with him not realizing my worth so I started Limited no contact (we work together so can’t avoid 100%. I only reply when he asked). He didn’t really notice my difference at first. I see some signs of nostalgia in him as he keeps the stuffs I bought him when we were together and still wear them/use them. After some time he bought me a small gift and told me because we are friends and I said no we are not friends and I am not going to be one of his options either. I asked for space and he apologised for upseting me. Then I started a more strict No contact. I avoid him at all cost. If I have to see him I would normally ignore him, not looking into his eyes or sometimes just have a brief smile. If he sees me he always smile at me and calls me by my nickname all the time. Then he keeps bringing more stuffs I buy him so I guess he is somewhat between Neutrality-Nostalgia and maybe some regret too. But perhaps it is not enough pain and regret for him to want to come back. Or he fears that I moved on because I was so cold on him recently. He doesn’t want to feel rejected. Anyway I am feeling much better now ever since I started limited and then strict no contact. But I admit I do miss him sometimes. Perhaphs he does miss me too but I don’t know if it will change any thing. It happened to my other exes after 1-2 years so I assume it will just be about the same for this guy. Or maybe never
Hi Grace.
If the guy missed you the way you need him to miss you, know that he would have shown you by now. He only misses you as a friend, hence why he asked to be your friend. You mustn’t settle for it at all costs. He might not get through all the stages, but you should stay in no contact despite that. You can’t be his emotional support anymore.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you, that’s exactly what I needed to read
I’m happy to hear that, Beranice!
Zan
Is it possible for my ex to still be in the elation state after 6 months? I didn’t make any major mistakes during our relationship or after the break up (went NC immediately) but after all this time he’s still making me the villain, acting aggressive towards me whenever I try to talk to him and badmouthing me at work. I don’t know what to do anymore or what I’ve done to deserve this.
Hi Layla.
It’s unlikely unless your ex found someone else and got infatuated with her. He’s blaming you because that’s who he is. He’s showing you his true colors. Try not to mind his toxic behavior and interact with people who support you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago and he’s completely changed. He changed his diet, he’s starting a new sport, and now he goes to the gym twice a day, which he’s never done before. He tells me he is so much happier without me and he never wants to get back together. He’s constantly started talking to other girls the day after we broke up. This really hurts because he told me he loved me just 10 minutes before he broke up with me after we got into a stupid fight. His reason for breaking up with me is because “he has no time for a girlfriend and even if he did he wouldn’t be with me because we fight too much.” We didn’t even fight that much I would say it was just as much as any other couple. I feel like he’s only seeing the negative things right now. I made mistakes by begging for him to come back but i’ve started no contact. Do you think I have a chance in getting him back?
Hi Anonymous.
It’s not unusual for dumpers to become unrecognizable. They want to leave their old lives behind (disassociate from them), so they act on their relief and appear strange.
At the moment, he doesn’t love you. He wants to date other women. The only thing you can do is to let him do that. Go no contact and he might one day realize that he wasn’t perfect either.
Best regards,
Zan
I and my girlfriend was in a relationship for 3years. We planned she has to continue her education and pursue a master’s degree . Her university for masters degree program was in another town about 5hrs from me . She rented a room together with her new friend . After 3months living with her room mate she changed. I guess it was the influence from her roommate. She hardly replied my messages or send one . She always give excuses like I’m busy , I’m studying etc… She cancels our plans to meet often . Just when we had plans to meet the next day , she texted me that she has no feelings for me anymore so she want me to move on with someone else. I asked her whether she’s dating she said no but she thinks she will because a lot of guys talk to her but she hasn’t taken anyone special . I then thanked her and wished her all the best. She replied:”I’m sorry but I have to tell you the truth” then I said that’s good . After that I went no contact with her and it’s been 5days . Just the 3rd day she started viewing my WhatsApp status and after viewing she posted a link to a music which says” I miss you but I’m scared of losing you”. She has her car and clothes with me and have not asked about it. Why hasn’t she come for her car and stuffs ? Is it possible she will come back ? What should I do ?
Hi Kobby.
She’ll come for her stuff eventually, but right now, she’s avoiding it because it scares her/makes her feel uncomfortable. This person stopped investing in you and lost attraction to you, Kobby. This happened because she fancied other people’s attention and didn’t do anything about her temptations. She’s not someone who can be in a long-distance relationship as she doesn’t value people she doesn’t feel connected with all the time.
Kind regards,
Zan
What should I do Zan ? She contacted about coming for her stuffs and I said sure . She never contacted again .
Hi Kobby.
You can ship it to her or contact someone to deliver her stuff for her. That way, you won’t wait for her to get back in touch with you.
Sincerely,
Zan
My girlfriend and I started having issues in January when I found out she had been with someone else when we first met but weren’t serious. I realize now it wasn’t a big deal, but at the time I hated her for it and was mean and distant. I Definity broke her heart and she eventually couldn’t take it anymore.
She left in June and I made the mistake of staying in contact with her until 4 weeks ago.
During the time we were talking, it was very difficult. She was very hot and cold. She would complain about how much I hurt her and then ask me to wait for her to come around. If I didn’t call before bed, she would block me. Then I’d have to email her to get her to call me.
She would say that I was changing and needed to be different, then she would say nobody would believe I changed i.e her mother.
We would text a lot about how much we missed each other and then she would talk about how terrible the relationship was. If I didn’t tell her I got to work safe, I would get bombarded with texts asking me if I was alright. I’m sure this is typical of any breakup where no contact is not initiated and respected.
A lot of ups and downs to say the least.
About 2 weeks before we went into no contact, I started pulling away to focus on myself a little more. I wasn’t calling her as much and she definitely noticed. One night I didn’t call her before bed and shot her a text saying I was tired and going to sleep. She texted right back and asked “you don’t want to talk?” and then called me immediately. We had a few conversations during this time where I talked some of things I was working on with myself. In one conversations she stated “I feel like you’re turning into the man I always wanted you to be. It wouldn’t take long for her to get angry about the past though.
Anyway, right before no contact I pulled away even more and she did the same. It almost like we were punishing each other. One night after she got out of therapy she expressed that she needed to stop worrying about me and needed to stop trying to control the situation. She stated that later on I could “re-introduce myself” into her life.
She never called me after that and the next morning when we would usually talk I didn’t call her and here we are, 4 weeks of no contact.
I’d like to think our situation is different, but I probably still in the hopeful stage. Any thoughts?
Hi Bob.
Your situation isn’t any different from other breakups. Your ex still needs lots of time to process things. She also gave you false hope by saying you could reintroduce her into her life. When she realizes how good it feels to focus only on herself, she won’t want to talk to you. This is also normal, Bob. My advice is to stay in no contact and to refuse talking with her unless it’s about getting back together.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We still live together due to financial means but I do plan on leaving a.s.a.p. Anyways it’s been hard seeing all the stages going on in front of you, especially the rebounding. We’re doing limited contact but on occasion got weak and had some sexual encounters. But I’m done trying to please him and doing the charitable girlfriend like things for him such as clean up after him. He gets angry when I don’t go along with his demands but I feel empowered knowing that he clearly depended on me and took advantage of my kindness. It’s hard keeping my emotions in check some days but also your emotions are the only emotions you can control. Sounds starting to live my best life again and I have to admit even though I’m the dumpee I can’t deny that it didn’t need to happen anymore. We need time to grow as people and it’d be best to do it apart. And if the love was real it’ll happen again and if it wasn’t it will be with someone else. But loving, appreciating and caring for myself is more important than any relationship you’ll have.
Hi Ash.
You need to move out as quickly as finances allow you otherwise you’re going to keep angering him and getting hurt in return. Talk to him only about important subjects such as finances and things that can’t wait.
Kind regards,
Zan
Can the mistakes after break up prevent the dumper go through this process at all? or it just delays the process? I had a few mistakes during the firsts 2 months, like insisting on her. Then I went to NC and she looks now to be neutral to me (we had to talk for business reasons recently).
Hi Pablo.
Mistakes usually delay the process. But whether your ex gets to the last stage strongly depends on her personality and what she goes through without you.
Best,
Zan
Do dumpers ever get stuck in one of the stages ?
Is is possible for one or more outcomes? Two at one time GIGS and 5 Stages of Dumper?
Hi Mark.
The dumper can indeed get stuck in one of the stages. The neutrality one has the highest chance of getting stuck in. I’m not sure what you mean by GIGS and the 5 dumper stages. Would you mind clarifying?
Thank you,
Zan
Monkey Branching is the foundation that leads to GIGS, the first stage is absolute conviction, the first stage in the 5 dumper stages is relief..Absolute conviction allows the relief stage (breakup) to begin. It seems that some if not all of the various scenarios (outcomes) are related to some degree thus more than one could occur at any given moment. It’s like someone wishes to break up but they do not have the courage for just a clean break so they monkey branch leading to the GIGS and then just dumping their ex partner.
I enjoy reading your articles they have given me lots of help and hope..
I was wondeing if you have any articles on age differences?
Hi Mark.
Thanks for reading the blog. I currently don’t have any articles on age differences. But I do intend to write one.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex boyfriend dumped me 5 months ago telling me he doesn’t love me anymore and he wants to focus on himself (which he is clearly not doing). In the beginning i was miserable and i did some begging and pleading and after which i came across the no contact rule and started following no contact since then. He seemed really relieved in the first 2 months but he reached out few days back trying to check upon me, i was sitting in the cafeteria and he came and tried making a conversation , he seemed really happy to talk with me, I could literally see the sparkle in his eyes.We go to the same college, we never spoke after the breakup even when we saw each other but now he’s being nice to me . I feel he has reached a neutrality stage where he doesn’t feel sad or happy about the breakup but he is definitely guilty for abandoning me. Our relationship was a healthy one where we both were happy with each other but he started feeling bored after the initial stages. I just want to know if he will come back. I’m not keeping my hopes high because he has reached out only 2 times in these 5 months and he doesn’t really seem to care about me after reaching out.
Hi Sanjana.
At the moment, he’s okay with the breakup and doesn’t want you back. He will come back only if something shocks him and forces him to have an epiphany. In the meantime, try no to talk with him so he can see that you’re moving on.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m fresh out of a relationship and I’m the dumper and I have to agree with the first stage, I felt relief, she is no longer my problem and now I can focus on myself and see what I need to do in my life
I have been planning to break up with her for some time and she knew it was coming, it felt like she is ready for it. she was going through a lot, still is, with the family and her work, she seemed more and more miserable over the past few weeks, and she totally changed, she went from this loving funny girl, to this grumpy one who’s complaining about everything, we had some silly fights, the problems over which we fought weren’t worth it, but the way she agressively handled them and instead of fixing the issue, she attacked me… I didn’t act all that rational either and I broke up with her twice and some how we always ended back together, the longest we stayed without contact was a week time
but after our last break up she was no longer the same girl, problems in her life increased but also she showed less and less interest in me, she would “forget” to text or call me for several hours, we didn’t used to go more than 3 hours without one of us checking in with a text, we would call several times a day, then it became hardly ever a call and we text maybe once in the morning and sometimes during the afternoon or evening, if we ever do
she used to include me in her life, tells me where she’s going what she’s doing etc… later I became a little distant to her, she wouldn’t tell me if she has somewhere to go or something to do, she’d disappear for 6-8 hours then maybe pop in once and then disappear till next day
things continued this way for a while with a mixed on and off, sometimes she calls me baby and she video chats with me and she’s all about me and sometimes she’s just not available
I was really considering breaking up with her for this, and each time I just say let’s give her a chance and see how things turn out to be, we met physically last Saturday after long time, at first it was a bit awkward because she met me all upset and complaining from the traffic, people on the street, her family and everything… I sat there nodding with a bit of a strange look on my face, she asked me what’s with that look and I went like “we haven’t met in a long time, could you be less excited?” she apologized for complaining and acting that way and slowly the meeting turned great, then we were holding hands and we went out to eat something, I bought her her favorite food and I felt like this is the girl I knew and fell in love with
comes Sunday we’re amazing together, calling each other every now and then, sometimes for hours each call, things are back to how I know and want them to be
Then Monday came, she was a totally different person, she called me once during the morning then disappeared, I went out to run few errands then called around noon, she wasn’t availble, then she texted me briefly around 1PM just to tell me she went out voting and that she couldn’t talk now… I know that around 2PM or so, she goes up to her room to take a nap, next thing I know she calls me 5PM, I asked where she has been, she said she was sleeping… I didn’t have it to be honest, I told her, how could you just forget to call, or at least text to let me know you couldn’t talk, we had a bit more respect for each other than to blow each other off this way, she said to me “you’re right, I know I came off short here and I shouldn’t have” but this is not the first time she does this and says the same thing… I don’t understand how could someone just forget to contact someone he’s with.. especially that we met just two days ago and we were over the moon romantically, what the hell happened
she tried to keep the call on, and I told her I can’t fake it and smile and sit and talk, I don’t want to talking now and I told her I gave to go
later same night, she was supposed to be out for some work but I found her online on whatsapp and posting a story on facebook, I messaged her joking, she responded in kind, then I asked how come you’re online, are you not working, she said that the plan got ruined and she ended up not going and she had a fight with her parent, and she went home and locked herself in her room, I asked why she hasn’t told me she was home, she said she was not in a mood to talk
then I saw that she reacted with a heart on a guy’s profile picture, I knew he was too young for her and it probably didn’t mean anything but I didn’t like she’s reacting positively with someone and she’s all so cold with me, all of the sudden zero affection… I asked her if there is someone else on her mind, 3 times I ask the same question and I get the same answer, “are you crazy, is this what you think about” and “I’m going through hell and you’re asking about other men” and “I think it’s time to end the conversation” and she left and went to sleep
for the information, she isn’t the kind of girl that typically reacts with a heart to a guy’s picture, she hardly ever did that and I know her well, it was just surprising to see that… I was all so out of my mind during that night, and she left the conversation and went to sleep by the way
next morning I was looking to be supportive and understanding of her but I found another heart reaction to another guy’s cover picture, one who she never reacted to his pics and he always has, and he lives nearby her and he stuied with her when they were kids and know each other for years, I did not like it, I got jealous, here I am here sitting being blown off for no reason after we were just a great and I see her act this way towards another guy, it seemed to me she showed interest and I worried that she might have started something with him or even went out and met him on one of those days that she disappears all day without telling me her plans…
I couldn’t take it anymore, this thing that I worried about, can be true and can easily be false and that react really doesn’t mean anything, but as far as I’m concerned, she seemed to have lost faith in our relationship after the second breakup, she said so honestly, she said that she could expect me to end it any time for any reason and she doesn’t feel the relationship is stable, and trust me the way she acted, I have been wanting to end it for over a month, that behavior on her end did it for me, I told her you have no problem being cold with me, forgetting to contact me after we were just together holding each other’s hands two days ago and then spent the next day almost all day on the phone, all in love, then you turn your back like that and show affection to some other guy… I’m done with this relationship, feel free to see whoever you want, act the way you want, think of whoever you want, do anything you like, it’s simply not my problem
so today I found that she answered my message of last night, nothing positive at all, just “you got it wrong and I don’t want to explain anything, take it however you like, and don’t offend me like you did before” which FYI we had a fight one day and I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours, came from 9 hours of travelling, merely slept 2 hours and she woke me up to bring a dumb topic which we fought about and I lost my cool and said something that I shouldn’t have”, I never said anything offensive to anyone before, and I apologized and told her I was a tired zombie and wasn’t even thinking straight, we did move past it but it looks like she didn’t really, she would just bring it up every now and then so she did again this morning and I saw the message, read it, didn’t answer anything whatsover, just logged off facebook and disappeared
I’m starting my 30 days of no contact, and it so happens that it ends by the time I’m having my next visit to the city next to hers where we usually meet… I have been through a few relationships and I know that time is the magic key to fix conflicts at times, I too still haven’t forgeotten what she said and how she acted and if I ever bring it up because she brings up my reaction to it, she says “you are nagging” and she has no problem to nag and hold on to anything that I did or said wrong and bring it up over and over
like I said, I’m looking to regain a bit of my life back, dating a girl who’s going through so much did bring me down massively, yesterday I barely had 4 hours of sleep and I couldn’t focus on my work all day… I did not like how it negatively impacted me and my life, I mean just yesterday my girl is crazy about me and today she’s just not interested, what is that… this 30 days of no contact should resolve most of our problems, help us forget the fights and problems and see how life is like without each other and by the end of such sufficient time I believe we should be able to be thinking more clearly
if you ask me now if I’m doing this to get her back, no, I’m the one who dumped her, but if you ask me if I never really want her back? then the answer is yes, I do want her old version back, the girl who I initially fell in love with, not this toxic complaining cold one
I do not want to make a decision yet or know how it’s going to end up like all I want is to give each other sometime (I too still have flashbacks in my mind, very frequently today of things she had done or said) and my only relief is that we’re no longer together, she’s no longer my problem, I’m looking to see less and less of these negative thoughts of her, to a point where we can clearly decide whether to get back together on better terms or just move on on separate ways
if you ask me what I want now? I want a magic button that I can just press, all what we did wrong or said wrong gets magically removed and we build on that first version of our relationship before the fights and breakups… but this is life let’s give it time and I know that I’m not living it the way I want, this amount of problems impacted my mood, my work, my sleep and I could do well without it, I want to focus on my work again, go out to the gym work out, eat well, go out and have fun
oh and I am not looking for a relationship either, I did contact two girls after I dumped her yesterday, my ex and a new girl who I kept her away because she was into me, but eventually I sided everyone away and stayed alone, willingly alone, I do journal and talk about my thoughts and feelings and I understand very well that if I can’t be happy alone and have to have a girl to fill the void then I’ll never be happy and furthermore, any new girl now will only make my life miserable as she’ll always remind of my recent ex and then find that she’s not quite like her and then I never move on and start to act like many desperate guys do… no no, I want to be alone, happy, take care of myself and I’m off facebook and instagram, have muted her on whatsapp and turned off read receipts and last seen activities so she doesn’t see when I was last online and whether I read any of her message if she should message me, just give her and give myself space to heal and then see what’s what
I’ll take her back on better terms, but definitely never on these current ones
I hope this explains a dumper perspective, I don’t think she’s an evil girl, she’s been acting very poorly, it hurt me and I hurt her in turn and it became a toxic relationship, one that should not live on, we either miss each other, fix it and get back together, or just by then would have moved on anyway and realized that the little feelings that kept us together are gone and we don’t want to bother give it another shot