This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Me and my soon to be ex wife split up officially in December 2022. She had 2 kids from a previous relationship and so did I have 2 children. But overall the relationship was loving and supportive. She ended it back in June 2021 and we lived together with me having hope she would come back. I took her out every few weeks which she always said yes to but there was no intimacy. I realise now I should of completely backed off even though she was going out with me. We even had a weekend away back in October 2021. She did get diagnosed with depression back in July 2021 and had a couple of CBT therapy sessions but wasn’t enough to help with her feeling low. Once the split was reconfirmed in December 2021. We sold the house and I have filed divorce. We now already about to own our own flats. This now all within a 6 month period. Her situation is worse as she is about to move to a 1 bed flat with 2 children. The truth is I don’t want none of this. I feel none of us have gone through all the stages. But at the same time I’ve gone with hope is gone and to get divorced and not drag out a separation to then go through a divorce a few years down the line. But again deep down I don’t want none of this!
Hi John.
I know you don’t want any of this, but you don’t have a choice. Your ex needs to work on her mental health and deal with her negative breakup emotions. That’s the only way she can improve her thinking patterns and emotions that follow. For now, leave her alone and try to live separate lives. It’s important that you get some space from each other.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you for your response. I have stuck to indefinite no contact. In the last 6 months since leaving and we have only spoke to each other if it’s regarding business related matters. We have both always started our messages when talking about business related matters politely. Hope all is well and check in on the children. She’s been living at her parents and messaged me 3 days ago that she thought she would let me know she is no longer buying the flat and is staying with her mum to be nearer family. She did struggle with our move to a new town even though it was only 45 minutes drive away from her family. I replied I think it’s for the best and she has made the right call.
Hi John.
That’s how it should be. You should talk only about business/children matters. Anything else probably doesn’t interest you at this point. Stay in no contact and keep healing, John!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi zan,
Not sure if my comment went through last article. I’m just so confused about these stages as I can’t tell where my husband is at. He’s been gone 2 months (living in a hotel as he can’t get credit for private rental) I’m doing NC only when we have to talk about kids, finances etc. he blows hot and cold, says I’m not being amiable and trying to play victim and squeeze money out of him to stuff him up! I don’t react or argue back despite how hurtful his messages are. He wanted to leave due to ‘not feeling that way anymore’ yet he goes to, his local pub and football acting like nothings happened and hasn’t told anyone he’s left unless they ask him. I genuinely don’t think he’ll rush into a relationship so not sure what it’ll take for him to hurt and realise he’s made a mistake. Will these stages take longer because he’s not got to a happy place yet as his idea of getting his own place has fell through?! Or is he going through them but I just don’t recognise it
Hi Jaqs.
Don’t worry about what stage your husband is in. Knowing won’t make a difference because he has to put in all the effort. You just have to focus on yourself while he’s doing his own things. Rest assured that he’s going through the stages. But don’t keep waiting for him and analyzing what he’s thinking and feeling. He might not get to the last stage as he could meet someone else or destroy his perception of you.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thanks for your reply.
I know it’s only been 2 months and I’m still not accepting the breakup. I refer to your book daily and I know I’m definitely over analysing every aspect of the relationship breakdown and trying to figure what he’s thinking. I just can’t accept he doesn’t love and want me after 19 years together and 4 young kids. I have good days but mostly bad and I’m stupidly yearning for him to come back and tell me he’s made a mistake. That he’s got emotional and financial issues that have caused him to react this way. I know it’s going to take time and I need to stay strong for my kids but the pain is like nothing I’ve experienced before.
Hi Jaqs.
I understand what you’re going through. But now that the breakup happened, you have to be strong and look after yourself and your children. Your ex can no longer provide you the emotional support you need. It’s up to you now to put yourself in the center of your life. Do that by doing things that help you not think about your ex. You’ll see that things get easier with time even though you can’t imagine a life without your ex in it.
Hang in there, Jaqs!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Wanted to see what you thought about my situation. I was recently dumped by a girl I’ve been with for 3+ years, 1.5 of it being long distance. For much of the relationship she was heavily in love and showed it more than me, and towards the end it was me showing more love. She broke up with me, snd for about 4-5 weeks, on and off, I made break up mistakes. Pleaded about 3 times, made a visit when asked not to, and apologized for many things, until she turned cold. I know I could text her and she’ll answer immediately, but it wouldnt be the same as before. I’ve been in no contact for about a month now and things are getting better. She also complimented me a lot after the breakup, but told me she’s not in love anymore. She’s now out all the time and posting pictures to show it.
Do you think that much pleading is too much to come back from? Just a week before our breakup and she was saying she loves me more, and then it was like talking to a stranger. I’ll definitely continue indefinite no contact, just wondering your opinion on if having hope is just the wrong thing to do in my situation. Thanks and love the blogs, they’ve really helped.
Hi D.
She’s cold and unreceptive now, so it’s hard to say exactly how much damage your pleading has caused. But I can tell you that she’s lost interest and that you shouldn’t stay in her life anymore. She’s elated and has decided to focus on other things and people. You have to let her come to you.
Best,
Zan
I agree with this, let Time and space do what it does. I did the same thing, begged, pleaded…it caused lots of damage. The motto here that helped me was “let him learn the lesson let him FEEL the loss” and OHHHH he did…and he came RUNNING. So, just give time and space. anytime you want to reach out think these words…let them learn the lesson..let them feel the loss. It will help. Plus shes at the beginning stages, and can appear happy. And yes you can recover from begging etc. And keep interactions short, simple and non emotional if she reaches out.
Hi Jo.
Thanks for the comment and the advice. Dumpees definitely need to remind themselves that their ex needs to feel the loss. The dumper needs to see how life will look without the dumpee and hit a low point in life. That’s when reflection can happen.
Best regards,
Zan
It will ALWAYS be different. Tomorrow morning he might have eggs, or he may become vegan and have oats. How do people think that these stories are supposed to turn out the same?
What exactly do you mean, Ricki? Could you explain?
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I’m unsure of how my situation plays out, I’m 31 she’s 22, met back in September 2019..she lost her mum to terminal cancer in December and we’ve been extremely close ever since we met..until a little over a week ago.
She had a melt down six months ago saying “I can’t do this anymore, I need to be alone, I’m not ready” after she calmed down we spoke, it passed that was it and then two days before my birthday November this year happened again. Everytime she’d bring it up she kept saying “your not listening, your not getting it”..”I need to be alone for me, I can’t do this right now” this is a 22yr old girl who lost her mum, her dad moved states, during the pandemic she lost both jobs and uni and her plans of travel put on hold because of the pandemic. But ever since we met we’ve had a close bond, a close friendship as well as a relationship, I supported her emotionally when she needed it, made her feel safe when she needed to cry and talk about her mum, we have similar interests in travel and the list goes on..(the relationship goes both ways she supported me too).
Having time to reflect so far I understand now why she feels she needed to call it quits..not because she hated me, didn’t love me (exact words out of her mouth) or lost attraction, she said because she felt she needed to be alone, to be emotionally strong enough to deal with everything that’s happened and not feel emotionally reliant on me (regardless of how good I’ve been for her she’s said).
I just don’t understand what I do now outside of NC? Like I understand the relationship I had is technically over, but I want her back in my life not as friends but as something more..in the 14mths outside of these moment she’s had we have no argued once! Not even raised our voices or anything..we’re both just so chill together, go with the flow..
So I’m lost on what to do next outside of NC.
Cheers,
Adam.
Hey Adam,
I know this is late but fellow people who have the same problem can read this advice as well.
You can read some online articles about what to do during NC, but the main gist of most articles will encourage you to rediscover yourself. As your story mentioned, your ex needs some time & space so do give it to her, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it because it helps her to rediscover herself and her place in life. Rushing to get back with her when she’s not ready will not help anyone. Take this time to spend time with yourself & enjoy your own company. Hang in there!
I have a question. Do they go back and forth between stages? Mine is on the final stage (I got the regret phone call). Ive wondered if ‘thats it’. Or did he go back to neutrality because it felt safer? Than back to regret. Kind of like nastolgia and such back and forth between nasolgia and elation (i got calls during all of that and some request to meet up) seems like hes back and forth weaving through the stages.
Dear Zan,
Id like to have some advice for my case. I had a same-sex relationship and we had it 3yrs &4mos and she ended everything just very recently. I am doing NC for only a week already.
We met online and met in person. She was 19 (was in college) at that time and I was 27. We barely spent much time during the early stage of the relationship because of some restrictions on her side being still dependent on her Aunt whose financing her school, but we managed to make it smooth. Then after 3mos I went to abroad to get a job (August 2017) So it was an LDR. It was only January 2018 that i was able to get a job and months prior to that we’ve been really okay though because im still able to communicate with her everyday. There’s petty fights as normal couples do but we’re able to get through it.
Fast forward, that was month of May when her cousin messaged me and told me she’s cheated on me around March. The reason why she messaged me is to seek revenge from my girlfriend because of some issues also on her own relationship. They were actually both cheating. Her cousin on her common law husband and my girlfriend on me. Their fight was actually a blessing in disguise for me because if it did not happened i will never know. So when i confronted her about it she cried so much and begged me not to leave her. I asked her when did it all happened and told me only during whole month of March but i did not trust her on that. She told me she cut it quickly because she loves me and she regret it. She said she did that because we keep on fighting and that the relationship was in blur. But when i check her fb account the lesbian was with them during April when they went to the beach and she was tagged in a photo by her friend but she claimed the lesbian was with her ex girlfriend blah blah. She did not even blocked that lesbian even during the times i knew all her cheatings. Im still the one who told her to block her which is so annoying in my side. During that time she broke her phone because we had a heated argument and of course without me knowing she’s cheating i sent her money to buy a new phone. I also found out that that same night she sneaked with her friends with that lesbian and insists they were only friends. She insisted she went not for the lesbian since the girfriend of the lesbian was there. It really hurts me and I was really betrayed and blindsided.
After that I chose to give her another chance, she followed all my request to distance herself from those of her friends that tolerated her cheating. She also blocked them and she joined another team. She was still in college that time so theyre still able to see or talk to each other because they have the same course and they were even a team in their thesis. But i can see that she’s really detached from them and somehow makes me relieved. But you know, although i have forgiven her i will really admit that her cheating changed me into worst. My vision for our relationship really affected by it. I became so depressed, i lost my confidence, has a very low self-esteem, i was very insecure, i did not trust myself, i lost respect for myself too, everything worse you could ever imagined has got me and she did not helped me overcome those. I don’t trust her anymore, every little thing she does makes me doubtful and suspicious that would often led to arguments and most of the time she’ll block me to cool off. But eveytime she blocks me i always find out that she sneaked to go out with her new found team and that’s makes me really really mad. I just dont understand why she always chose to be with them than talk to me and fix our fight. That has been her routine and she lies a lot. It really makes me so mad that i threw her lots of bad words you could ever imagined. Can you blame me? I am just disappointed about her immaturity. She doesnt seems to understand all the things i hate the most yet she always do it even we only had petty fights. I always remind her not to do those certain things i hate and i dont have to tell her why because she exactly know why. Another thing was like after i gave her another chance the only thing she does for me to give it to her was to have my name tattoed on her wrist which i thought she will never do because she’s not allowed to. But she did, and so i was overwhelmed by it i chose to continue the relationship. But as time goes by she really doesnt do anything to gain my trust, she did not give me any assurance, not unless i ask her to. And it makes me really sad and disappointed. Her bad habit of going out continues and she always lie to me. She keeps on saying that i was controlling her, i was very dominant, i was disrespectful through my words to the extent i cursed her a lot. But you know it’s my only way to let go of my anger because she doesnt seem to understand me. We were both really toxic. She made me like this but everytime i hurt her i always makes effort for her to forgive me. Most of the time i was the only one who always humble myself and asks apologies even if it was her fault. Her pride is just too much to handle honestly and ive been dealing with it for the whole 3yrs of the relationship. She’s also the type of person who is not appreciative. I told her i dont ask anything in return to all material things and efforts i do for her, a simple appreciation is worth more than anything to make me feel happy and contented because im a kind of person who appreciate little things, but sadly she’s just the opposite. And talking about being opposite, we are really the opposite. She likes spicy and i hate it, i love sweets and she doesnt like it. Even our attitude was really opposite but we were able to reach 3yrs despite of that.
Anyways, the relationship continues and I went home for vacation (May 2019). We were able to talk and refresh everything. We were very happy and were able to spend much time together. Then after a month I went back to abroad and we’re back to ldr. The same exact routine of toxic relationship continues. Then i chose not to renew my contract abroad and went homes after 6mos all for her because you know all of my decisions and top priorities has always been for her, that’s how i love her. I did all the efforts just to be with her because seeing her happy makes me happy too. She do efforts also to be with me and is very loving and caring when were together and that’s what i love about her the most. She cares a lot for me and very sweet when we’re together. When i went home the pandemic came and i chose to spend quarantine at their house. That was 2mos and was about to spend more of my time there but her aunt took her to look for his 13yr old cousin, and it makes us both really sad because it was not all im expecting when i went home, but what can i do the pandemic is not in our control. During those 2mos we were really very happy like we’re on top of the world. I was very excited spending time with her and her family because it would be the 1st time in almost 3yrs that we’ll be spending lots of lots of time together. We had quarrels and petty fights but we always fix it before going to sleep. Just a hug and simple sorry makes everything alright. That was really the happiest time of our relationship. Whenever she’s mad at me i will not talk to her the whole day and i never physically hurt her. All the times we’re together she never heard any cursing from me no matter how mad i am. It’s only those times that we’re in a distance. In other words we were really okay when we’re together. She’s the type of person that when she’s so mad she tends to throw everything she reaches like her phone, her clothes, the pillows. And i was shocked to witness it for the 1st time but i was so calm during those few occasions it happened and understood why she acted that way. I also talked to her not to do it again because i am not expose to that and im not used to that. Everything is really smooth when we’re together. It seems like there’s no one who can break us apart. We may have opposite attitude but we still able to understand our differences. But not until her aunt took her.
Whenever we’re away from each other it seems like all the challenges for our relationship come crashing and warping both of us. It seems like our fate is playing on the opposite. It seems like everything is against us no matter how we strive to survive. When her aunt took her the same old routine during our ldr when i was in abroad has replayed. Toxic traits seems to be more powerful than ever. She is very stressful to where she is now like i said she’s the guardian of her 13yr old cousin which is having online class due to pandemic. She has no freedom, she can’t go out wherever she wants and i understand that but she’s blaming me that i am adding stress to her situation even i do efforts just to see her. She’s also stressed out because her aunt read our conversations with all the cursing in it and it made her aunt mad at me and somehow restricted her seeing me. I apologized to her aunt by the way.
I admit because of my trust issues i became very selfish, controlling, needy, impulsive, insecure, revengeful, dependent on her a lot, suffocating and worst of all i was very impatient. Even if she doesnt do anything i tend to overthink everything. I repeatedly say disrespectful words towards her especially when I am mad. But all of these are because of our situation. The fact that she doesnt have freedom from her aunt. It all piled up and we were both stressed out also because of the pandemic. We’re isolated on our individual homes and so stress is really one of the factor maybe. I thought every issue i had before after she cheated has been addressed during those 2mos we were together, but i was wrong. All of the aforementioned traits i portray took a toll on the relationship. I regret all of it Zan and i asked apologies to her aunt, her friends and even her parents already because even if i dont owe that to them i still feel i need to because i disrespected my ex.
Though she had given me enough chances to make myself better and to learn to respect her, i failed to do so. But the last time i begged for my last chance i told her i was very eager to show her i can do so much better for myself and for her. She was already talking to someone else that time but she blocked her when she gave me the last chance. She did gave me that one last chance but she’s not that patient anymore. After almost 2wks we had a petty fight again. I went to their house and talked and begged her. She gave in but she’s already cold. When i went home she told me she really wanted to rest. My fault is that i was very impulsive and needy and it made her so annoyed. The person i love so much and has all the patience in the world has ran out of patience on me. She got tired and i appealed to her that im not a magician. I cant changed everything in a snap of a finger, and that i only ask for her patience for me to slowly show her i can really change because i am already changing tbh for the better but she knocked me off. When she told me she wants to rest i went to my friend’s without my phone with me. I did that to restrain myself in sending her loads of messages because i also want my brain to rest from all the emotions flying all over. And i was so immature because prior to leaving home for like 3days i sent her suicidal thoughts which made her so worried she messaged my brother and my friends about my whereabouts. For 3days she always asked my brother any news about me. And after 3days i messaged her and explained why i did that but she just ignored me. I also read her message when I got home saying she needs me to understand her and that she will only want to rest because it’s for us and that she’s afraid she’ll fall out of love while we’re still together because she knows if that happened we will never get back with each other which seem to be very confusing. After a day i went to their house again and talk to her and hand her a letter and a gift which was supposed to be on our monthsary. That was the time that she told me that she’s really over and she’s mad i lied to her and that i was only pretending im somewhere in which to what i expected she’d ask where did i go but she was mad and dumped me. That it was too late for me to change. I ask my friends to beg her but she did not gave in. After like 2-3 days my friend sent me a screenshot of my ex’s story on fb. It was all accidental since she deleted all my friends on her list including me and my brother. It was a bouquet of flower and she tagged another girl with a caption “love” which is their endearment. It was a different girl this time not the one she blocked. I was really shattered and rushed my way going to their house again. I showed her the screenshot and asked why she did this to me. After all the bad things she did also in our relationship i never left her. I never abandoned her. I cant even imagine myself being with someone else and why it’s so quick for her to replace me. I am assuming that she’s now in a rebound relationship. I dont know i dont care anymore. I feel so disrespected and after all the good things i have done, all the efforts i made, making her my most priority she doesnt have any gratitude at all. She only see all the negatives in me and in the relationship. She told me she has no plan of being with a relationship with the girl but im not stupid. And even said what’s wrong with the endearment. Shit right? She was just guilty that’s why she told me that. I begged and cried for almost 4hrs but she was really not into me anymore. She doesnt need me and she dumped me for good. Both of us cried so much that night. I still ran after her for the following 4 days because i was really desperate and felt my position in her life is in danger because of the other person, but after i read your article it gave me so much enlightenment to why it happened and why she turned out to be that cold careless person now. I wish i read your article ahead of time i could have saved face.
I still think of the possibility of her coming back because i was so sure we had a good times together no matter what negatives spiraled our relationship. She also saw my good side. Im thinking maybe she just really need enough space because for 3yrs this is the 1st and the longest time i did not messaged her for all our break-up make-up since im always the one chasing her. But i am also not sure if she’ll ever come back because of the harsh words i said to her for almost everyday. I really blame myself for all this but i know she’s responsible too but she just dont want to accept it. I boosted her ego by begging and pleading so it’s really impossible for her to acknowledge her shortcomings. I also think of her coming back but i feel weak thinking she’ll be in my life again. Like i think in advance that the same old thing will just repeat if we’ll get back together since she did not gave herself space to grieve, instead jumped in a rebound relationship. Im in no contact for about a week already. I blocked her for the sake of my emotional and mental state.
I am so eager making myself better. I did wrote all my toxic traits here in my notes for me to slowly eliminate them. I do some workout here at home too and keep on reading your articles most of the day to feed my brain positive outlooks. I am also planning going home in the province to unwine and be with my highschool friends and bestfriends. As of now I am still struggling Zan. I am blaming myself coz im the one who made her feel bad for the past months and with the person i chose to be after she cheated, though she’s all the reason why i changed for the worst. I feel bad because i was the one who pushed her on the edge to pull the trigger. I am more concerned if she can forgive me for being so disrespectful. But i miss her a lot and it’s killing me inside 💔
Im so eager to show her i can live without her. Im sorry for a very long message. I am really anticipating your advice if i’ll just leave her forever or wait for her to reach out. Im so confused right now. And as far as i knew my ex, she is not the type of person who would really has time in this 5 stages of dumper for realization because she is so stubborn kind of person. She’ll do a thing even if it is not good for her. Thankyou so much and God bless.
Bit of a unique situation;
My ex of 19 months broke up with me 19 days ago, our story is strange;
We lived with each other, both have children and they called the respective parent step mum/dad
So a few things happened.
I messaged other women. Not in a horrible way, I messages friends who are female but knew she wouldn’t like this, so I deleted them, nothing to hide but she made a point to me that she didn’t like me having contact with other women, even though they were just friends, hence me deleting the messages, this happened twice.
She found out and it hurt her, I take that on the chin, it was my fault.
She asked me to move out, with the idea that we stay together and go slower for a bit, during this period she would be hot in person but cold via message and calls (ignoring my calls when I rang and not messaging back, but when I would get home she would be normal, cuddly and really good sex life)
The day I moved out was a Saturday, she cried and called me her rock and safety blanket, she said she didn’t know what she was going to do with herself.
We spoke a bit on the Saturday and I didn’t really message her on the sunday.
I got a message off her at 2AM on Monday morning which she deleted so I didn’t get to see it.
On Monday morning at 6 am she face times me as soon as she sees that I’m online, no prompting from me.
It was a normal couple conversation. I then rang her on my way to work, again normal, love your at the end etc.
She was then really cold again. So I called her on it. She rang me at work and said that she thaught that she just needed a few days not to talk to me.
I said fair enough, obviously upset about it etc and telling her that I wasnt happy about it but if that’s what she wanted to do that that’s fine.
Next day she blocks me on fb, messages me on watts app saying that we were no longer together.
I emailed her to organise a few things like picking stuff up and joint payments etc.
The last line of her last email was do not contact me.
It’s been 16 days no contact and I am really struggling, will I ever hear from her again? Will she unblock me? Was it impulse?
Help!!
(Only constructive please, I want her back)
Could you please share what happened after?
Hi Zan,
This week marks one year since She ended our engagement. I committed all the mistakes for the first few months(begging, pleading, letters). She ended up leaving our church and all our friends. We were very involved together as it was our community. We have been in no contact since February.
About a month ago her sister started following me on Instagram (my ex-fiance doesn’t). And this week she showed up at a church function for the First time since leaving church in January. She has been telling people that she is miserable. She also showed up at the bible study that I attend (she had to know that Id be there). I have avoided conversation with her. She hasn’t reached out to me…do you think that she will or could she possibly just view me as a friend and is just trying to come back to church as if nothing happened?
It’s six months today since the guy I’d been dating for the past 3 years, bailed on me, out of the blue!!!
I didn’t see it coming; completely blind-sided by him wanting to end our relationship.
Don’t get me wrong it’s been hard and even now I think about him, but I think about him for the fool he’s turned out to be.
If I can give anyone advice; I would say yeah, it’s the worst feeling in the world at the time but you will get through it, and come out the other side, a far happier and confident person!
I have spent months trying to find the answer to why, but at the end of the day I have realised that it’s not me, but him! It’s his loss, I’m a great girl and he doesn’t deserve me and what I have to offer! He will be the one who loses out, not me!
If you need help in moving forward, don’t be taken in by the bs that so many sites advocate on how to get him back because I personally, couldn’t think of anything worse!! And who would want to be with someone who walked away from you, in the first place??? If you want someone who can do that to you, and would accept them if they came back, you’re a fool because you’ll forever be wondering if they will do it to you again!!! Who the hell wants that? Live your life for you!! You aren’t defined by anyone! I’ve learnt a lot in the past 6 months and I’m happier than I ever thought I would be and that’s thanks to the amazing advice given in so many of Zan’s and Angelie’s blogs! I thank them both from the bottom of my heart for helping me get through this goddam awful time!! Hold your head up high, do not contact them , and stay classy!!
I have read all your articles several times
What will happen to the dumper after these 5 stages ?
The dumpee will move on and live his life again , but what about the dumper?
They will DIE
Haha Ralph, you made me laugh! Thanks! 😀
to be honest, i would like to know as well. i wonder what exactly they will do after the 5 stages of breakup? maybe try to move on or have a talk with the dumpee and get used to their company? after they do then they might get closure and leave again.
She or he will start the process. She/he will try find out if dumpee is allowed to get back again and will evualuate dumpees worth. In doubt she/he will Reach the former ones. It lasts just few weeks. She/he will start also looking for new partner simultanousy. Dumpees are important for dumpers ego and heal after 5th stage.
Who gives a shit. They didn’t.
I need help me and my ex girlfriend dated for around 1 and a half years. I could see something wasn’t right around 1-2months left in the relationship. She was hanging out with other people a lot more (Friends) but she was still showing all these kinds of affection. Loving me going on dates sexual things kissing me without me asking and sleeping together fine. I found I was really stressed with everything my work life health problems but the relationship was fine to me I did have some doubt in my head but didn’t want it to get to that stage of losing her. I wouldn’t take it out on her but I still wasn’t myself that she fell in love with. She was also depressed and didn’t love who she was. I feel as how I was this Put a bigger effect of stress onto her. One day I broke down just from my stress and she did too I realised something isn’t right I feel as she will break it off with me now. And she did she said she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She wants to try new things and she was feeling like this for awhile. And of course I want her back it’s only been 5 days I have been a little distant but not too distant. I haven’t been begging or pleading but Ive been coming across more positive and with good humour not trying too hard. Her messages though are blunt and we do have phone calls (rarely). I feel like I’m forcing the convo sometimes she did agree to catch up sometimes. But she’s still too unsure on it I think she doesn’t want me staying too attached and getting false hope and getting more hurt. I did ask her what made you fall out of love with me she said she doesn’t know. I asked if there was somebody else in the picture she said no. She said if I hang around too much she might just take me back and things will just be the same but I know for a fact it was our stress that caused us to not connect right we are a great match I believe and she is just a little lost. I can’t force her to love me I can give her time and space. I just don’t know what’s right for my situation I gotta okay my cards right. Do I go no contact even though she fell out of love with me 2 months ago? I would think she’s already past the stage where she misses me. Or do I just work on myself and give her some space but message her still pretty often and meet up and just be myself and really positive and funny and don’t bring up anything of the past? I will put myself in the friend zone but I will make it clear buy having dates here and there when the time is right that I still wanna be more than friends. Any advice would be much appreciated thanks.
I am in the exact same situation, exept my bf still had feelings when he broke up but did not see a future. (Commitment problems and depression) I believe he will notice he made a mistake sometime. He broke up 2 weeks ago. I am in no contact and focusing on me. How long will it normally take before he relaizes his mistake?
my girlfriend of 2 years 8 months up and dumped me out of no where a month ago and never really gave me a solid reason why. I havent broken the no contact rule, but i am worried because in one more months time school will be starting up where we are in the same classes and cant switch out and further more we will be forced to work on the same team together for senior design and in order to graduate this winter.
I don’t really want to break the no contact rule but i am wondering if i should reach out to her right before classes start. im hoping maybe i can get the initial shock of seeing her out of the way hopefully before we are both in class and i have some sort of break down or panic attack from seeing her.
is this a good idea? is it one even worth considering?
What cracks me up and infuriates me at the same time is why the Dumper is unhappy in their current relationship & stays yet walks away from a meaningful one without trying to work things out. My ex is on to rebound #2 and I can tell she’s still not satisfied yet sticks it out!
I look at it as Pride and emotional immaturity rather than sit down and talk. I learnt the dumper is so consumed with self and own self being that he/she did not take into account the other person. Its like emotional survival for him/her. I love my ex, and want him back but this is the second time he has broken up with me for reasons that have me wondering. The first time he said he wanted his heart to open to love me. After three months of NC he reached out to reconcile. I slowly got back with him. A year later he broke up with me again. I’m healing with each passing day of no contact. He texted me six weeks into no contact asking if I’m okay,, It came across like he was feeling guilty and needed some relief. I decided to reply to his text ten days later that I’m doing well, thank you, Best wishes.” Not sure if I should’ve said more but I was still raw in heart break mode. I’ve not heard from my ex since my response and I have not reached out. It’s been three weeks since I responded to his text. As much as I love him and wish we can reconcile, I am being realistic and soul searching on why I want to be with him.
My ex and i were together for a year he lived with me and my daughter he was controlling and very jelous i lost a baby and he left me the next day i suffer with severe anxiety and thought OCD all i want is him but he has blocked me from social media on whatsapp and on the phone how do i get his attention!!!
He doesn’t deserve you 😔 sorry to say
Hi URGENT!!! Me and my ex just come out a near 3 year relationship (both 20) and she was a virgin before hand. She was not at all a big fan of sex and part of arguments where because of the lack of sex. Do you think now that we’ve been apart for 2 months now she will wanna experiment? Or would it be an opportunity for me to try and come back in? I miss her so dearly and just pray if we do happen again she don’t have to experiment. Thank you pls get back to me
I was the dumper, we lasted 17 months May 3rd I broke up with him because i have so pressures and I’m messed up of everything since pandemic he told me that why I can’t be proud of us, why I can’t reciprocate him, he always put me in the situation to choose between him and mg family, he said everything towards me because I was too reckless during our arguments and I’m suffering anxiety disorder which he doesn’t know what i really feel. This is our second break up the first one wasn’t that long because we reconciled. He always dig up my flaws in our relationship and accepted my decision to broke up him. i applied NC rule even I was the dumper and only to found out May30th he posted his new girlfriend on Instagram and blocked from everything on social media. I also found out that his family members were already connected woth the new girl. We spent and started as perfect as he wanted, but as time that we’re facing so much downfalls even we already planning about our marriage then when I suddenly messed up. Now I’m taking the right action to counsel myself because I’m suffering from panic attacks, often palpitations in my heart and sleepless nights. Even i tried to emailed on him he was really tough. I didn’t get any response maybe I hurted him much.
I recently come out of a relationship 2 months ago that lasted 2 and a half years. She broke up with me because she didnt trust me and she thought i had cheated when i hadn’t. I was her first boyfriend and first person she had had sex with. She was very clingy and always needed attention physically and emotionally which i adhered to. Although we argued alot this year due to the fact i was mentally stressed and going through alot. I did tend to get angry very easy and like i said the little arguments would escalate. After a month of pleading i gave her 30 days no contact from start of May till now. She blocked me off everything (even her dog instagram lol that i reached out to) i miss her so much and cant help but think shes the one but now im really not sure. I would love someone to tell me if she wants to experiment (even tho she wasnt a fan of sex either and getting that out of her was a struggle) or if she was seeing someone the whole time. PLEASE PLEASE can someone give me clarity on what to do please. Shes very very stubborn but i cant lose my girl. Please HELP!!!!
Were both also 21 respectively
Hi! My best advice is do No Contact as long as it takes (I mean, forever), move on, date other girls, work on yourself and work for have a great life. You don’t know if she will reach out, it’s more likely that yes but I don’t want to give you false hope, and if she ever contacts you again, you don’t know when, so you shouldn’t wait for her.
It’s hard the detachment, I know it because I’m living it right now and that’s why I’m reading this post, I love her so much but she, as the dumper, has to make 100% of the work for rekindle the relationship, I can make it easier if she shows real interest but if not, just let her go.
You can man! C’mon
Did she reach out at the end?
Iam so sorry Sam. I feel your pain. Things get better though over time believed me. My ex broke up with me exactly a month ago. I helped him in so many ways and I can’t think of any reason for him to dropped me dead.
Anyways , I broke no NC twice and I realized Iam too good for him. Sure! I miss him but I keep telling myself that He does’snt deserved me… And you know what else I do? …I made a list of all the good and the bad things about him. It helped me decide that I don’t want him in my life ever again….I actually started losing inetrest on him. I’m sure one day I will just laught at this. So, be strong… things will get better.
Emma .
It’s hard I won’t lie it’s been three months almost 4 now and I have nightmares and dreams about her . All I do is think about her and wonder how someone could have done that to me . Specially after six years . Wonder how she moved on so quickly and how she even told me she “ would send the ring to me so I could get back on my feet “ as if that was all I was worth a stupid ring . I feel betrayed , abandoned and alone .
My wife up and left after we got married 6 months prior . Everything seem fine but before all that she will always verbally abuse me and I was losing respect for her slowly however I never ever thought about leaving her . I spoke to another girl in search of validation and help and I felt bad about it and told my ex and I apologised . But a week after she sent me a txt and broke our relationship of 6 years through a txt . Then took all my stuff and my dogs and so I left to another state with nothing which is funny because That’s how I met her and helped her because she didn’t have anything . So I welcomed her to my house and my dogs and gave her a home . Well six years later she’s doing the dumping and through a txt and leaving me with nothing . She kept all my stuff and dogs . It’s been three months and I realise she had put a restraining order on me so I couldn’t get close when I have done nothing but love this woman and respect her decision even though she did it in the most cowardly way . I haven’t been able to get back on my feet since I’m going through the depression phase . All I do is think about her even though she’s done nothing but damaged me . All I know is that I gave her all I had and have . My heart is in pieces and i have this gut feeling she’s with someone so I have nightmares of her having sex with someone else and I wake up and start praying and begging God to take those feelings and thoughts away . Then I cry myself to sleep . It’s been rough. If you’re a man who loves and has given your woman your all and she did something like this just know you aren’t alone .
It is sad to hear this. She should have been a fortunate woman. I am on the other hand a woman dumped by an inconsiderate man. I feel your pain and hope you come to terms that you deserve better in life.
Thank you so much . If you want to talk and need reach reach out to me at Samcunado777@me.com