This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Me and my ex broke up after 3 yrs of being together, we were friends for almost 4 yrs prior to the relationship. We had quality time together and the relationship was great. Problem is we had some communication issues that were somehow not talked through. When we broke up he told me he got tired of me that I was dominating and i have put a limit on his growth. Instantly after the break up he is with someone new. On the day we broke up i begged and pleaded to no luck, but after that day i went into no contact and no plans of contacting the person. Is there a chance that he’s regretting or even hurt? He went out of his way to remove all the likes and reactions in social media 3 years worth. Not sure if there is still a chance that we’d get back together. Help?
I know it’s hard but I can tell you this much, people do crazy things when they are hurt. Take it a day at a time. With every day it will get easier and easier. I was dumped and I dumped 99% of the times. What I can tell you is that after I left my ex of 10 years for someone else, I regretted a few months after. I realized I downgraded. Unfortunately it did take a while until I realized that (few months) and he was not able to forgive me. Give it time and meanwhile just try to keep yourself busy although it’s hard.
Hi Irma!
Thank you for that, I appreciate it. It’s probably the best to move forward. I know people have different ways of coping up with the pain after a break up, I just can’t seem to accept the fact that after everything we went through, it was gone in a snap as if it never mattered to him.
After a breakup, the person who initiated the breakup is angry. I can tell from my previous experience and I can also tell you what I experienced when I was broken up with. Takes at least a month till the anger is gone. My ex also accused me of controlling him. The best thing you can do is to stay away, as long as he’s angry nothing you say or do will be good. He’s just going to be even more angry. Have your friends come over cry your heart out, have a sleepover etc. the more you talk about it, the better you feel. The first few days of not calling/texting will feel like hell. But it gets easier. If you feel like talking to him just put everything on a piece of paper. Start writing everything down . It’s hard to write the first sentence but after that it gets easier. As time goes by you will go back and look over your notes and you’ll see how much you improved. Go for walks, exercise… this will give you those feel good feelings. You already know after reading these articles that most men do come back. It’s just a question of when. So for the time being just try to get over the days. What I keep telling myself is that I know my ex won’t find something better. And it’s because I know it and I know my worth. Unfortunately it will take him a long time to realize that and he’ll have to date around until it will finally click. Work on your confidence. Dress up nicely and look in the mirror. Once you like what you see, you’ll feel better.
Hi Irma!
Thank you, that made me feel better. I am doing my best to open up to friends and family but avoiding on disrespecting him since I don’t want to take that respect away from him. I am trying to work on myself as days pass by and I have started journaling since the day after the break up and it’s making a huge difference. Knowing that someone understands me and knows how I feel gave me the sense of relief that I am not alone.
My relationship ended at the end of last year. It was a long (5 years), complicated relationship that crushed me into pieces once it was finally said and done. I made all the mistakes once can do post breakup- begging, pleading etc but after about a month i stopped. I can never have full on NC, my ex and i still share some bills and we run into each other because we play the same sports.
The breakup occurred after i asked him to leave the house for a few weeks and i told him we will talk after. my intention was to make him think of his life, which was going in a downward spiral (jobless and partying like a teenager), and when i tried to do it nicely, by just asking him to pick a week to leave the house- he never done it. We met after about 2 weeks for him to just tell me he’s not sure about his feelings for me and he needs 2 weeks to think about it. I initially accepted but after a few days of going totally nuts i said i cant do this anymore. you either love someone and know you cant lose them- or you dont. That’s when we ended things. I called, begged- he came over, all to the same thing, “i don’t want a relationship anymore”.
Weeks went by and i got better however i was always wondering whats happening because of his behavior. the first few weeks he completely avoided me, only to be weird after. He would see me giving hugs to others and would open his arms for me to give him a hug. He would come and sit and just watch me play for 10 min after which he would just go and do his thing. He would come to common friends parties and say to me wow you look so good. After my bday i stopped talking to him. I was extremely angry as he sent me a text message wishing me happy belated bday 3 days later ( took him out for his bday-post splitting). I continued to ignore him each time i saw him, walk around him and not even saying hi. When i needed a bill id just text simply- please send me x bill. He still received mail at my address which made me even more mad. i opened everything, and this time I decided to no longer ask if he needs his mail. If he needs it, he would ask for it, right? a few more weeks went by like this, and once again he saw me and called my dog, then came where i was playing and just sat there looking at me for 10 good minutes, to the point of my friends asking me what’s his deal. then quarantine happened and that’s when it was finally time for real NC. it was like this until one day i asked him if he received our check and to send me my share. I was really torn if i should just say hey please send me my share or to just start nicely since we were dealing with a worldwide epidemic. So i started nice, saying hi, hope youre doing well etc…. His only reply was that he never received the check. Which pissed me off. After a few hours i cooled off and sent him an email where i basically said i am disappointed in me for having dated him and that my opinion of him changed a lot. after a few more weeks passed by i asked him for some bills again. which he sent immediately and actually asked how am i. I just said thanks, and didn’t bother with anything else. We haven’t seen each other in months, except for one time when i saw him from afar. He was looking at me trying to realize if it’s really me- and i was looking at him. There was a small party and i didn’t want to go- but a friend insisted so i went. He asked the same friend about the party and ended up not going because he knew I’d be there. Everything just makes me super confused. There are times he sees me and doesn’t know what to do to try to talk to me, then he stays away if he knows for a fact I am somewhere.
The one thing the breakup made me realize is that things weren’t exactly as I thought. I always thought I am invited to social events and friends vacation houses because of him (he’s very social). Turns out they invited US for me, as i am still being invited now but he is not.
I am kind of seeing someone and I told him everything- that i am terrified of seeing someone new because i am afraid to make a mistake again. After all, my ex told me he never imagined the rest of his life with me and for the past year his feelings for me have changed. I did feel the change of heart and i gave him the chance to walk out multiple times and he would just cry and beg to not end it.
But i cannot keep on wondering- why is my ex being like this? Why is he acting like he wants something for me then he doesn’t show up to places he knows i’ll be at? Why did he beg me for a year not to leave him if he knew his feelings have changed? He begged me not to leave his days before i told him to leave the house….to only tell me weeks later he doesn’t know how he feels about me and he needs a break.
The only thing that gives me comfort is that i know he will never find someone like me. I am very good looking, have a career and I’m very giving and caring. All my friends ask about is “what did you see in him? You’re way above his level in everything!” And to this point, I still don’t know…
Thank you for this article! I have no one to talk to about this since I no longer see my therapist and my confidante died a year ago so your articles really help.
My ex GF has clearly not processed her emotions. I’m fine with not talking about the past but then she brings something up, I try to clarify to her what I was thinking at the time (not cheating related at all) and she’ll say “that’s old garbage, I don’t want to talk about it” . She’s not over it. Her actions speak louder than her words but she’s definitely still hurting inside but pushes it down and finds rebounds to help her get over me.
I don’t know what else to do to help her let it go. It’s been a few years ….. (same sex couple)
Hey Zan great articles! Really appreciate being able to look at things in a way that makes sense. I was curious, in a lot of other articles and opinions the dumper has already gone through grief and is ready to move on by the time of the break up. Do these stages still apply? Or are these stages taking into account that it may not have been a rash decision? Thanks!
Hi Nicole.
Next time your ex reaches out, tell him not to contact you anymore. You have to protect yourself from now on!
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for the advice. Your articles have helped more than you know. I know I deserve better and don’t want to get back with my ex as he intentionally hurt me. If he does reach out in the future I will tell him to no longer contact me. For now NC makes me feel a little more empowered each day.
VERY URGENT!! Ive been in a relationship with this girl for 2 and a half years both of us 20s… we were having back and forths from December 2019 up until our breakup in april 2020. She thought i cheated but i didnt and also blamed it on the back and forths…. she was adament it was done and her being a taurus an all (stubborn a**) blocked me off everything possible. Its been a month since and ive seen her once and have not really given her space. Its been 10 days since we last spoke which was a happy birthday to her. Shes said shes no longer in love with me but she still has love for me… weird one. And has ever since started posting regularly on instagram (through this pandemic) and following other guys. Me and her have come a long way and the bond and connection was second to none. I really would love to know what shes going through and what stage shes at.. Also if shed possibly come back or should i cut my losses, due to her saying she really dont see me ever being more than a friend. I cant help but believe shes the one because for 40 + days shes all i thought about. Please help thank you!!!
Best thing is to keep no contact and move forward . You have done justice by wanting the relationship so they she will be a loser if she doesn’t want to be with someone who really wants her badly . You will either see her coming back or you getting better only if you follow no contact . Shut the emotions and follow no contact .
Also not sure if its relevant but im also her first everything, such as boyfriend and first sexual experience. Does this mean through no contact ill have to endure her “testing the waters” elsewhere? If so i dont think i would be able to take her back considering she wasnt really a very sexual person in the relationship too… much appreciated for previous response look forward to another thank you
I was in two and half month relationship, in the first month we both were crazy about each other, he told me that he was serious about me and loves me, talked about kids and how he will talk to my parents about our marriage but he needs sometime to get to know me before promising me anything, so in the second month he went cold, didn’t give me enough time saying he has a lot of work to do, his business is not running right, I gave him some space then after that we had a small argument, I apologised and tried to cheer him up but he still went cold with me, then one day I exploded because of his behaviour after that he went more cold and one day I tried to talk to him he said not today, I begged him that please talked to me that I am suffocating inside, I won’t talk bad, just talk to me, he ghosted me, didn’t reply to my text and receive my any call then after 5 days I called him through unknown number and asked him what was the reason, he replied small things’ I asked what small things he didn’t answer me and hung up.
Looks like he had more of infatuation . Don go behind this guy . Be motivated and find a suitable match . Looks like you were his rebound .
My ex was pretty sad at first after he broke up with me, but quickly became someone I didn’t know at all, made a lot of appointments with freinds etc. exactly as described. I’ve been in No contact for 40 days now, thinking if my ex will ever get through the other stages such as relief, regret etc. now that he was sad the first few days after he broke up?
We where together for 3,5 years, and overall had a caring and loving relationsship. He told me that he could not feel himself and that he has lost feelings for me.
Any advise from a dumper maybe?
Hey, so in my situation I’ve been raising a family with my ex. It’s questionable if I’m the biological father, with two weeks difference, but none the less my daughter is 2 years old now. I haven’t had contact with my daughter for a month, and no contact with her mother for 2 weeks. I tried reasoning and being mature, I’ve taken courses for parenting after separation and took a course to understand cognitive behaviour therapy for depression and anxiety. I am the dumpee, how in the world can no contact be appropriate or applicable in my situation? And do I proceed with court applications to communicate with my daughter, which would be breaking no contact?
I was the dumper. My ex was verbally abusive with alcohol problems. We we’re together for over 20 years, but the last five years were filled with heartache and pain. I tried to tell him it was coming to a head and I was going to leave. He didn’t listen until it was too late. He started going to AA but I was done at that point and I left.
I started feeling regret a year-and-a-half after the breakup and came back. Now I am the dumpee, and I am deeply feeling the regret of my erratic and thoughtless Behavior after the original breakup. I wish I would have seen and done things in a different way, but back then I have because my feelings were Raw and I didn’t have the experience that I have now.
A year-and-a-half after I left I started remembering all the good times. Through other relationships I discovered my ex had some really awesome qualities which I took for granted and that I really did love him. I realized I was looking for him in all of the men I dated since.
So we got back together for a short time, but then he dumped me. So everything goes full circle and there is a karmic lesson to be learned here for me and I think I have learned it.
I made myself look pathetic by begging, texting incessantly, just looking really desperate. I’m glad I found your website because I think it’s time for me to heal and move on. I realize he moved on long ago and the best thing to do is to let this go.
Thank you for sharing! It soothes my mind when a dumper shares their regret. I’m sorry your partner moved on without you though. 🙁
Really, making out as if the dumpee is someone wonderful? If anything the dumper is the good guy/gal in this situation. In my previous experience, the dumpee is anything but a wonderful person.
Hi Lucy.
A lot (but not all) dumpers act inconsiderately toward their dumpees. This doesn’t, of course, mean that your ex is the best person in the world.
Thank you for your comment.
Zan
Are the 5 stages of breakup for the dumper the same if she’s bipolar and not medicated?
Exactly the question I’m obsessing about
After a very stable and happy half year engagement where she was my best friend and always with me and then recently being happily married to me and posting hypomanic videos of herself dancing in celebration for days and making me art to represent our bond, etc she became dysphoric with virtually no trigger and in a manic rage threw me out . She started dating almost immediately after and cut all contact with me and has nine radically different and confused excuses for why she ended things to family and friends. It’s been a little over a month. We both feared the outcome if dark personality shifts after her meds were changed in February and she left me a terrified voice message during a week she admitted creating chaos with her family saying she needed therapy to get fixed before she did something very destructive just two days before turning on me. For the record, I’m also manic depressive and older than her and we met in a bipolar support group. But she is not the same woman at all anymore than the girl I loved, dated and married and despite having the same illness, and dating other bipolar girls, I have no idea what is going on with her let alone guessing about dsnd sumper stages.. And according to family, she never did this to anybif her exes and seemed to be happier, more stable, and more in love with me than any of them (some of whom traumatized her but she still has contact with)
So my dumper just dumped me a few days ago after our three year anniversary during this whole pandemic. We still live together and will be until the lease is up in august. I am giving him space as he moved to the spare bedroom. I am acting civil and trying to be strong. Do you think I should continue no contact and start to move on myself? It’s been rough especially as I play every little scenario in my head on what I could’ve changed in our relationship.
Hi J, I wanted to comment because I very much relate to your situation. My bf and I of almost 3 years broke up mid March and lived together. I moved into my parents recently and he is still living at the apartment. The moment I moved out. I told him I didn’t wanted to do no contact for 1 week. It was really hard, but it was definitely needed. It was a wake up call to him and he hit sort of his rock bottom. He’s now in therapy and so am I. It’s been very helpful. My advice is to give it time and reach out to friends to help you through it. I’ve decided to work on myself and my future goals.
Thanks so much for replying. We talked it out yesterday. I felt more closure for our talk and what led to the breakup and where do we go from here. And like he’s always had a hard time connecting on a deep level of emotion with people. He’s been in and out of rehab and on antidepressants. I met him after he’d only been one year sober. I don’t think he had enough time to just have time for himself. He said he’s going to look into psychiatric help because all he’s known since he’s been sober is being on medication. Because when he’s not he starts to be suicidal. So like we said we’d just be amicable and renew a friendship in a different chapter. But that ultimately we want us to both have good mental health that’s very important. With the Coronavirus it couldn’t have been worse timing but shit happens and people change. He had been unhappy for 9 months but he really wanted it to work. But the feeling of love just wasn’t there anymore. He wanted to get married. But he didn’t want us to get married and him have that same feeling. While it sucks we are trying to get through it. Honesty is key if there is ever going to be some sort of friendship/relationship in the future.
Greg.
How are the 5 stages for the dumper during the coronavirus? Are they sped up or delayed as my ex has been laid off and is just sitting in her parents house. Since they’re not able to go anywhere because of the shelter in place is their elation stage less or ? Curious to know, I’m in indefinite no contact and intend to stay there until my ex makes contact first.
Hi Greg.
It really depends on the psychological consequences that the dumper experiences during the outbreak. Everyone is different, so it’s impossible to predict how it will affect people.
If your ex is lonely and is forced to think about her actions, then she might process the stages faster.
Kind regards,
Zan
What’s the average time span of the stages? If dumpee is in recovery in the 6th month, then is the dumper in regret and sadness stage the 6th month
If your ex left you for someone else then these stages do not apply?
If I contacted my ex during his stages of relief or elation, would it cause him to tell me he’s happier without me and that he doesn’t love me anymore? We dated for 4 years and it was really good for the most part. I felt like the breakup was out of nowhere and I never really saw signs of him falling out of love. Do you think he really means what he says? It’s been 2 months since the breakup with a little contact here and there from my end. Something happened 2 months before the breakup that upset him pretty bad but we seemed to have it worked out. I’m just not sure what to think.
Hey, I really relate to this situation. We only dated for a year and a half though. But literally within a span of 2 or three weeks i realized something was wrong, she said it had been going on for around a month before I noticed, but she wasn’t sure. But then 3 weeks into our breakup I just messaged her a little, she responded but I got the feeling I should stop. She also just said she didn’t love me anymore when we broke up. At this point its been almost 2 months and idk what to do but I think what’s best is to just let them regret what they lost from the good relationship. Clearly something stopped them from feeling the way they did just weeks/months before
what about if you have a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style girlfriend who dumps you after 2 years together ?
Hi Zan,
I dumped my ex gf about 3 monts ago, I was fine as a dumper and kept contact to a minimum. Recently I felt that I really love her and asked her back, she refused and asked me not to contact her. I went through the begging and pleading for few days but she told me that she is dating now and there is no way back for her as she was really hurt, she doesn’t want me to contact her again and thinks I’m not the right person for her.
Are there any chances she would change her mind as our relationship was short but intense ?
No… I had a breakup last month. (Me being the dumpee) And I don’t think I am going to take him back at any cost.
Don’t beg . Try to do no contact and improve yourself.
How long does it take to reach regret and sadness
It took me 3 months and I went through the phase exactly as described above.
Did you try to reconnect with the dumpee?
no i did the no contact…..his world collapsed around him and he asked if we could re try…..he reached out to my grown children and apologies….and it has been about 3 weeks now and I agreed to move back into a new place together to start a fresh….he has now on anti depression tablets and seeing a psychologist…..I am staying strong and keeping to doing what i was doing….however I am struggling bad really bad with him not wanting physical contact with me at all…there are no cuddles and they only occur when i ask. I am not sure if this is apart of his depression however he did make comment at one stage and told me that when he was with his new girlfriend he was unable to get an erection….so yes I am a little confused
Yes, I have tried so hard but she is having none of it. I thing she has moved on and wants no contact from me. Now the only thing I can do is respect her choice and work on myself.
The dumper is not always the bad guy [or girl], it hurts to see another person in pain because of you.