This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
5 and 4 should be reversed. The way this is written, the dumper is doomed to sadness and that’s not usually the case for the dumper.
Hi
I had an intense short relationship with my ex, It was just amazing. She gave it all but I was single for 2 years before that so got used to being a free single man. The last time I saw her I don’t know what happened to me but I didn’t feel attracted to her even though she is a very attractive and nice woman, so stopped answering her calls and texts immediately looking for a pretext to dump her, when she complained I said it is over !!! this was 3 months ago . I went through the exact phases stated above. I kept the contact minimal during the 3 months just texting as I knew if I spoke to her we would get back together and I didn’t want it BACK THEN. But about a week ago I don’t know what happened and I just cannot get over her, I am filled with regrets and just cannot understand my actions, I tried reaching out to her but she doesn’t want anything to do with me now, not even talk. I bombarded her with texts and she kept on asking me to stop and that I can not take it back. I am in real pain and scared I will fall into depression as I have lost interest in everything, even planning to leave my demanding job as It was the cause of me loosing her due to the stress. She was the best looking woman I ever been with and she was so much into me. I had to ask her to block me in order for me stop texting her. I’ve done it all, apologized, asked for another chance …. she was having none of it !
I know I got no chance to get her back unless there is a miracle so I can treat her like a queen !!!
I need more than a miracle !!
i am the Dampee and we are of mid aged in a relationship for over 10 years in which I believed were we Soul mates not that i ever believed in that crap before hand lol
In him leaving me he said it had nothing to do with me that it was him in his head…..re I have read about that part.
however with 6 weeks of him leaving he is in a relationship with another women….interesting enough it is the same women I quick commented about after attending a social night together and notice her flirtation towards him….this women also works with him…..however he told me not to silly and I took that at face value.
I am struggling big time and i have cut of communication except for our finances in which we are tied together.
He has actually talk me that I am toxic, I never made him feel good and that he is happier without me in his life.
when on reflection I kind of understand what he means with regards to “i never made him feel good” my reflection is that I have alway been a strong women, achieving the impossible very family orientated and have endured massive hardships in my life.
I have a loving relationship with his mum, sister and family.
I just need HELP!! to be able to move forward somehow???
Hey guys I have a question. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He told me I was an additional mental strain on him. He’s been dealing with financial issues and I guess I was too much for him as I was super anxious and demanded for him to be there for me emotionally when he was super tired after work. Now that I’m out of the picture he looks super happy and it seems that all of his other problems have disappeared. He makes me feel as if I was the source of his unhappiness. I wasn’t a toxic person to him and we both know it. He’s liking and retweeting super hurtful things on twitter and it’s killing me. He told me he loved me and wanted space and time before the break up but now he’s liking hurtful shit like “ it’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you, it’s like the trash took itself out”. This hurts and it’s not like him. Am I overthinking and overreacting?! Please help.
For your own sake, I would not read those tweets, however tempting…it only hurts you more.
I’m looking for advice as there is little for my particular problem. I am a woman (33) and my girlfriend of 7 years dumped me Dec 1st. We were going through our 1st real rough patch and she was overwhelmed by work etc. She went to another state (temporarily) to help a friend and see family. She says while she was up there that she had a nervous breakdown. She came back here for a wedding and almost dumped me then but I explained about the 7 year itch and rough patch etc so we agreed to work on things for a month, but she felt strongly like she needed to go out of state to keep helping family & friends. I supported that as long as we could talk everyday and work on our problems (during this time I also got into counseling and trying to fix everything I could). She got sick and didn’t work too hard on our stuff and exactly 30 days later broke up mostly over text. She says she still wants to be close friends but isn’t in live with me and doesn’t want to come back to our state. She told all her family that she was moving there. Since then we still text and call, I can’t do no contact because of bills etc. She signed the lease which goes through June…All her belongings are still here in OUR apartment with OUR cats…her car is still here and all her mail still comes here. She admitted to having a nervous breakdown but won’t get therapy. I’m trying to give her time and space but I so desperately want us to get back together before the lease is up. We always loved living here and we had the same core values & hopes for the future…i even had a ring just wasn’t the right time yet. I don’t want to throw all of that away because she had a breakdown, even though it seems she does.
Sometimes the “DUMPER” doesn’t really want to dump….but due to reasons beyond their control they have no choice but to. I am a dumper who had to leave a relationship for someone who was unwilling to commit after 3.5 years..and we are in our 40’s. He has issues that need to be resolved before he can commit to anyone for that matter.
So yes this article is a bit biased in regards to singling out a “Dumper” as opposed to a “Dumpee”
Just my 2 cents.
Hi Zan,
I hope all is well with you.
Quick question: Can breadcrumbs come in two points during the breakup?
For example my ex a couple of weeks after the breakup texted me a few times, once regarding an item of clothing she remembered she left at mine. But no proper plan to come and get them as she ‘forgot’ about it the next day. She since then has disappeared and i’m assuming that was her plan to see where i am at and how i would respond as she obviously didn’t need the clothing.
I know you mention about breadcrumbs in this article which are different from the first lot in terms of the intention they aim to provide as they come in later in the process.
Would you say this is true?
My ex gf broke up with me 1 month ago today. Still feeling the loss as I was with her 2.5 years, I did lie about some things which was to protect her. It was really about my past, and she would ask questions about it all the time like weird stuff and I answered but not in complete detail. Nobody wants to tell a gf about their sexual past at all, even when in a trusting relationship. Anyways she is a devout Catholic and we did have sex often but we would always have to go to confession and all that. We had a great relationship filled with faith, fun, and best friends. One day she just told me that she thought it would be best if we were done, and that she would be fine alone. I’m not sure what really is or was going on. She has a lot of anxiety about things of a sexual nature, and like almost lost her mind when she found out I had watched Game of Thrones, and even listened to rap music here and there. She ended it, and said that she couldn’t have peace in her heart with us, I even had bought a ring to propose (she didn’t know) I’m not sure if I have a chance to get her back, thoughts?
Hey Zan,
Thanks so much for all the work you’ve put in to these posts. I’ve found them really helpful.
Quick question: how would these stages play out when you are in contact with an ex?
My situation is we are married with kids and I’ve found NC or even LC doesn’t work for me.
Thanks in advance!
Bob
Hi Bob.
People process their emotions with space and time. So if you follow the advice on this blog and don’t oppose your ex in any way, shape or form, chances are that she will revert back to her neutral state.
Just don’t demand anything that she doesn’t want to give.
Best regards,
Zan
Happened to me with my first ex, unfortunately she was unhappily married to the person she left me for and I barely felt anything. I actually refused to be in any way to her that she had to go through my friends and the person I was dating that time to be able to talk to me. I told her I have forgiven her but nothing will ever be the same between us and I can’t even be friends with her at all. Till about a couple of years ago she would send messages on my birthday, I think she finally realized I just don’t want her in my life in any way. My second ex on the other hand, I did the opposite, I tried to contact her family and friends, and even confronted the person she started dating, sending her text and emails. Not only did it take longer to get over her, I think she hates me so much at this point for what I did post breakup that I am pretty sure she has cut me off entirely from her life. Not sure how she is now but that was five years ago. Not only is the no contact rule fairly effective in regaining your sanity faster, it helps you get over the person faster.
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for the insightful post! My ex and I were together for about 3 years off and on. He ended about a month ago for the second time, (we went on a break between these 2 breakups) things did not end amicably. We both said harsh things, he told me he didn’t see a future and wasn’t in love with me this time around, yet asked for my ring size 2 days before.. he’s 30 by the way. Unfortunately I made the mistake of begging and pleading when he ended it (over text). After the breakup he was on dating apps hours later, I recently made the mistake of breaking no contact bc I saw him with another girl 🙁 and now he is exclusively dating another girl not even a full month after. I am completely devastated, but still hold out some hope bc I always believed he was the one :(. Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated!
Really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve just lost a relationship which meant quite a lot to me a few days ago. It wasn’t as long or as serious as yours but she did lead me to believe that she was in it for the long run and we were both happy or so I thought, we had just met families and then she pulled the plug and I am absolutely devastated and feeling pretty stupid to have fallen for someone who was clearly not as invested in me as I was in her.
I know it gets better though. Horrible right now, nobody can give any advice or guidance other than to focus on tomorrow and keep concentrating on you as much as possible and before long your cloud will lift.
I think holding out hope of them returning is impossible to avoid in the early stages. I’d leave this as a potential but unlikely and unexpected surprise if I was you. Do things which make you smile for now, exercise, spend time with family and friends, upgrade yourself wherever possible and try to complete a task or two every single day, throw yourself into your work, maybe consider a new career or hobby? If he comes back he comes back…but as you’ve been hurt twice, it would probably be worthwhile keeping your guard up and having a serious discussion this time round about where his feelings lie. You may not even be interested if and when that time comes.
But the changes to make right now should be for you, not for his benefit or in hopes that he will come back.
How are you doing? Did he ever come back?
My ex gf who struggles with anxiety broke up with me after 1 year of dating. Her reason was that she was too immature for a relationship so she dumped me and started rebounding with different guys literally the next night. After cutting her off, we met up once a few months later to clear the air and it turns out she had unresolved feelings for her ex who cheated on her multiple times which is why she dumped me. Also found out she is now seeing him 3 months after we broke up. She claims I am the only boyfriend she had who treated her right and that I was “perfect” and did nothing wrong. That she realizes she was the toxic person in my life. But she also told me that she doesn’t see us getting back together at all and she said that I was better suited for her friend and she’s sorry she ruined that from happening. I’m confused to if she will even go through any of the stages and will she actually regret her decision If she truly felt I had treated her so well and was “perfect” in her terms?
Do no contact and don’t see her again until she makes up her mind. You don’t want her being indecisive and leaving you again once the dust has settled.
My gf of 5 years told me that she lost feelings for me and over a lil thing she dumped me after that i was begging and pleading for her and then i got angry and slapped her because she was out of her mind and i really regret it after that i said sorry to her multiple times…now she is gone and feeling happy without me.
So my fiancé and I were together for 2 and a half years and I noticed things kinda changing months in advance. I’m 24 and she’s 27 and has a 7 year old daughter who is super emotionally invested into me. She tells her mom that she wishes I was her dad. My fiancé and I were always kind and good to each other. Never yelled at each other. So around November she had given me back the engagement ring and told me to give it to her when I felt like I trusted her. I understood I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and I was insecure and jealous quite a bit with guys texting her. It was only because I wasn’t getting the time I wanted and felt like I deserved. We were full time parents and I was loving the role I was playing. But we never did things with each other and just stopped being intimate. But on Thanksgiving we officially broke up and I moved out and she wanted to remain friends and I felt like that was selfish. And I thought that maybe with time and me working on my problems that we could try again. But she’s moved on. She’s now going on 2am dates to Waffle House with the same co-workers I was jealous about. This is about a month into our break up and she was killing me slowing so I decided to block her and just start the No Contact process. I still love her and her daughter more than anything in the world but she doesn’t see a future with me anymore. I’m hoping with this No Contact and me actually talking the time to work on myself that she will realize how good we are. It hurts a lot but I can’t believe her feelings changed that fast. But her relatives told me she moves on quick from relationship to relationship. What should I do??? Because I’m still so in love.
I dated this guy for 6 months long distance, we had booked a trip. He also invited me to meet his family for the holidays. Its been over 2 months since the breakup, and it happend 2 weeks before the trip. I went with a friend. Before the breakup he went on dating site again, and i noticed and confroted him. He said he was unsure, and denying things he ever said to me. I didnt beg or plead, but i said this was ridicoulous of him denying everything he did and ever said to me. I told him that i was done.
I went no contact this whole time, but we kept eachother on social media. 3 days ago he was drunk dialing and texting me, saying that he was a fool for letting me go and that he missed me. I was a little drunk myself so i answered the call and text. I kept it together and said i didnt understand and i would hear his view on everything he said the next day. But i never heard a word from him.
Today he deleted me from all social media.
What is going on in his hear? And what do it all mean?
Hi Zan,
I (30YM) was in a serious 2.5 month relationship with my girlfriend (31YF) but we have been seeing each other for a year all up.
She wanted to have sleep overs with her gay male friend once a week, whom she is a lot more emotionally intimate than she is with me. I said I can’t do that and instead of just breaking up, I decided to talk it through with her. She would repeatedly bring up this issue and express how she feels I’m controlling because of it and how it is affecting her intimacy with me. I agreed to be patient and work through. In the week before the break up, she became very aggressive, taking every general statement personally, fighting about minor things (e.g. which brand of chocolates to buy) and controlling (e.g. telling me which route to go jogging).
After fighting about what time we should go to the park (I was sick and didn’t want to go in the heat), I was really frustrated and expressed that her behavior is upsetting me and pushing me away. She broke up with me on the spot while I was very upset, saying that we are not compatible. We collected our belonging immediately after that. Once I calmed down the next day, I texted her – “I was hoping to have a proper chat about things, since I have calmed down now”. She replied “You are a nice guy, but we are not meant to be together”. I thanked her for the good times, and agreed that it is best for both of us to go our separate ways.
She watched my instagram stories for the next week (I haven’t posted anything different to what I normally post, nor has my posting frequency changed), then unfollowed me. I haven’t interacted with her at all. A month later, I noticed my tagged photos were suddenly less, so when I tried to look at her account, I noticed that she blocked me (one month later, even after no contact!).
About me: The first 2 weeks were hard – because we did so much together, whenever I go out to do something, I would be reminded of her. I was sad, and regretful, wondering why expressing my discomfort was seen as controlling and whether I can really accept her sleepover wishes and her stronger emotional intimacy with another man. I realized that I couldn’t, but I would still be missing my ex. My attachment for her is dying down.
My questions:
– do you think she was setting up the breakup by getting aggressive in the week prior?
– with her being the dumper in this situation, do you think she will be experiencing the above stages in this article?
– do you think that she is attached or regretful?
Thanks heaps for reading this far!
Hi Robby.
Your ex felt that you couldn’t communicate with each other and that you weren’t compatible.
She may be right about that, but you’re only incompatible because of her fixed mindset. She’s not open to hearing you out because she quite frankly, doesn’t care about your emotions.
Due to communication issues, she became very impatient toward the end of the relationship and was basically waiting for one last problem to push her over the edge.
Due to anger, she’s not attached, nor regretful. She’s experiencing relief as well as anger and frustration.
She won’t be experiencing these stages for a very long time (if ever), so I strongly suggest that you find someone better.
Being single right now is way better than being with her.
Trust me on that. Just wait for a few weeks/months to detach from her.
Best regards,
Zan
Wow, I am really impressed with your level of intuition here – it’s pretty accurate. You are right in that she doesn’t care about my emotions. I felt that she was a covert narcissist who is quite stubborn, and has a “my way or the highway” attitude . You are right about her lack of patience.
Just wondering, what is the anger and frustration about after the end of the relationship?
I’m guessing indefinite no contact is the way to go. I highly doubt she will ever reach out to me, but if she does, I know not to entertain her further.
Hi there, I broke up with my ex about three weeks ago and the breakup was kinda bad. I felt left and abandoned and I acted really needy during the first week. I then started No Contact because I realized all the bad things I had done and that I needed to change for my own good. During this time she stalked me on Twitter once and still talks about me sometimes saying that she sees everything bad that was in the relationship and all. Will she go through the same steps considering how bad the breakup was and how much needy I was ?
Hi Tom.
The worse your relationship was and the more post-breakup mistakes you committed, the less likely that she’ll go through these stages.
If I had to guess, I would say no.
Don’t let this deter you from moving on and bettering yourself!
This is just the beginning, Tom.
Best regards,
Zan
Honestly, Zan was correct in saying maybe she didn’t go through those stages or if she did she went through it very quickly. I know I went through it very quickly when my ex broke ttup with me just before December. He was extremely controlling and verbally abusive, occasionally physically too. I had no life with him, I was a human jelly but I still would of stayed if he never broke it off. I moved on quickly with my life like, within a month. He told me to leave him alone so I did and with what he saw he didn’t like that I wasn’t crying over him anymore or trying to reach out and that he couldn’t control me anymore. He called and messaged all heartbroken n stuff like ”i miss you, it was a mistake” “I’m sorry I don’t know what I was thinking”. It’s too late in my books even though he wants to try. He broke me and it took a lil over a month of being alone, feeling worthless and heartbroken to know my worth. Not that he didn’t intentionally make me feel these things through the relationship anyway. Leave her alone for her own good n you? Just move on
Hi, I just wanted to say my opinion 🙂
Ex will feel regret and sadness, but only with condition – if your ex were happy with you (maybe smth went wrong then). I dumped my first boyfriend and never regret this, because, honestly, he was a jerk. He was my first love and I was in pink glasses. Of course, it was good times in our relationship, but mostly he was a real abuser. So, when I dumped him, of course he was really angry and said, that I would regret about this. But I didn’t. All the time after break-up I felt happinness only.
So, if you are waiting for you exes to come back to you, make sure, that you didn’t put them down.
If it’s not, I wish it’ll be like you want.
Wish you love!
Hi Viktoria.
You’re right.
The dumper’s regret depends on the quality of the relationship.
And if I may also add, it also depends on their emotional well-being and happiness in life in general.
Best,
Zan
Again I do not agree this can be different in every situation.she lied planned deceived and manipulated money from m.. trust destroyed.i broke up with her and demanded honesty and communication.and never got it.yes I am destroyed and my anxiety has never been so bad.i loved her so much and gave 300% to our relationship. three months into separation and the pain is unbearable.no apology no remorse from her at all only demands for property that is both of ours by law.this is it for me no woman will ever get close enough to hurt me or my son again.relationships are to expensive on my soul I will.never be the same or trust another woman as lo.g as I live..and yes i still love her so deeply but I cannot trust her that’s the real pain because I know it’s over….because she no contact me.after break up to establish trust
Hi Daniel.
You previously mentioned that your ex was planning to leave you. This means that she’s technically the dumper as you merely acted before she did.
You basically did her a favor, so she’s not going to suffer right now. You will as a dumpee.
Best regards,
Zan
I wonder if these stages also apply when the person ends it because they genuinely are not ready for a relationship due to their own inner issues and problems? If it wasn’t a problem with you or “us” but inside them? Often used as an easy out or excuse, but I believe her as she was always honest about her problems and psychology. Thoughts?
Hi Glen.
It depends on whether they get hurt, realize their mistakes, and learn their lesson.
Best,
Zan
I went straight to stage five. None of the other stages before that. No relief, nothing. Just agony and emptiness.
Sorry to hear that, Anne.
I hope you feel better now.
Kind regards,
Zan
If you are the dumper how you can go directly to agony and emptiness. And your dumpee? how is he?
Hey,
This is the “space/break” text my Gf sent me a few days ago, and my single response and then went NC . What is the best course of action, and I want her back. Side note: I’ve been unemployed for three months, and we’ve been fighting for a few months more often than usual.
11/19/19 I want to first apologize for doing this through text but would not be able to get the words out if I saw your face. I love and respect you so much and I want you to remember that always. I think that we should take a break from each other for a while, and I think we can both agree we haven’t been the same for a while now. I don’t think anyone is to blame because sometimes people just grow apart. For the past few months I’ve been feeling suffocated with everything going on and that resulted in me being distant and not giving you the attention you are entitled to in this relationship. I love you so much and I don’t want to hurt you or cause you any pain but I feel like if we continue on like this it will just lead to a resentful and toxic relationship. I know it’s unfair to ask you to wait until I am ready to move forward so I won’t. I love you so much and we’ve been through so much together but I don’t think I can mentally take anymore right now. As people we are always growing and maturing and I want you to know I appreciate everything you have done for me in the for the past two years, you have helped me become an amazing individual and I can’t thank you enough. I apologize for being selfish but I feel like I need to take time to be with myself for a while. This is killing me but I think it’s for the best. I want to give you all the love and attention and relationship you deserve but I just can’t do that now, also I want you to know I will always have love for you and I’ll always be here for you but for now I need my space. I am so sorry. Please respect that and please respect out privacy and keep this between us.
11/19/19 Completely understand where your coming from , will definitely respect your request/ wishes. Take care.
Thanks for sharing. A couple of months on, any come back from her?
Hi Zan,
I’m in a really tricky situation and unsure of my thoughts/feelings.
First time I’ve been with a girl. I was with her for almost 2.5 years during university and liked her more on paper than her as a person initially. I wouldn’t say she was my “type” but on paper she was literally perfect and had all the characteristics of a good wife (which is important for me religiously). We built a very strong connection over time and were very compatible. We kind of got into it on the premise of future marriage at some point, although I wasn’t fully committed at the time but I thought I will be more committed in the future as I become readier.
We had quite a few arguments over stuff and I felt she was a distraction for me as I wanted to improve my own life as I was very undisciplined and wasn’t really in control of it or my uni work. We broke up as it was wrong for us to be together according to our religion unless we we married. Then got back together after a few months as I felt more ready after a pilgrimage.
After getting back together things still weren’t all hunky dory but she loved me alotttttt even though I didn’t love her as much but i thought she was a really nice girl which kept me going. Spent a lot of time together, but there was always a feeling there that she’s a distraction from my studies and I felt like I had to give her a lot of attention which was draining and it kind of felt forced but I didn’t want to upset her.
We stopped speaking again during an important exam period and agreed to speak after. I wasn’t really feeling the relationship tbh and I was focused on my exams and other stuff and felt like she was the cause and I felt free. After the exams finished I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with her but she always became upset whenever the break up issue arose and wanted to make it work somehow even though I was quite unsure about the whole thing. Every time this happened though I just feel extremely bad on her because she loved me unconditionally so I thought I’ll give it another shot and try my best. We continued and things went normally we hung out and met up etc, but there was still doubts in my mind which I ignored as I said to myself I’m going to try my best to make it work. After her bday we both told our parents about each other and were supposed to meeting, but that’s when things came to a head for me and I starting to panic and feel extremely anxious. I spoke to my close ones who advised that marriage is a big thing and you’re young so that’s why you’re nervous, but don’t worry. Deep inside though I knew it was cos I wasn’t fully sure about the girl despite her being perfect. This continued on and I couldn’t go about my day normally and was extremely stressed out about the whole issue and then eventually told her I wasn’t ready for the commitment and we should split which broke her heart. She still tried to make it work and we spoke for a few weeks and I tried to make myself understand the issue but I just became more tense and my gut was just telling me not to do it. Eventually she had enough too and we both kind of ended it although it was more me as I caused the issue and didn’t leave her with a choice. She was furious and heartbroken at the same time.
At first I was kind of relieved that the burden from my heart had gone, but its only been a few days and despite apologising and asking for forgiveness, I feel really guilty and regretful for what I’ve done. At the same time I’m not sure if I’m fully happy or not about it, she’s not spoken to me in 5 days. I thought I’d be happy it’s over but I still kind of miss her, and I’m not sure if I can ever find a girl like that again as she literally ticked every possible box, maybe she could have been a little more attractive, but then she had so many other things that you just don’t find in girls nowadays.
I’m not really sure whether I will come to regret this decision in the future, my family have said I will but it’s my choice. I don’t really know what to think or do, maybe there’s a chance of rekindling, but at the same time it’s quite possible that I will get involved again and pull out due to feeling so overwhelmed and burdened by it all like I have done for the last 6 weeks which isn’t fair on her or our families. How is it possible to know whether I’ve made the right decision or not? I’m just so confused yet remorseful over everything I’ve put her through although I didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally….