This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, so recently about a month ago my girlfriend (I had been dating for almost 6 months) now ex dumped me saying she wanted to focus on work and studies I was pretty calm about it and said ok. immediately the first week we had broken up she had doubts and wanted to get back together, it was very quick and I had been feeling horrible so I said I need some time to figure things out. I came back saying that I wanted to get back together after the first week, at this point she went to visit her cousins and said something like “I don’t know if i’ll change my feelings”, which is bizarre because she was depressed and sad multiple times in the first week wanting for us to be together. After she visited her cousins her entire attitude changed she barely spoke to me and said she only has friend feelings now. As shocked as I was i believe she is mentally messed up right now. she still contacts me every 3-5 days about something random the last thing she said about 2 days ago was she was sorry for everything. I’ve read these stages but for her it seems different since there was regret just after she broke with me. Also I’ve heard she barely speaks to anyone just her family. She asked if I was dating again like a week ago i’m not sure why and i’m not i told her, she said she wanted to be alone for a while no bfs just her and family which I understand but I don’t get what I did for her to lose that attraction and feelings for me?
Hi James.
Your ex likely felt guilty for leaving you. It’s what depressed people often feel.
That’s why you mustn’t mistake her guilt for regret. As you said, she was merely having doubts.
I can’t say why she lost attraction for you, but if your relationship worked great, then it could have been depression. She could have been unhappy with herself which consequently made her unhappy about your relationship with her.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, Yes your probably right although I’ve spoken with my psychologist about this and a lot of her behaviour sparks bpd which is a whole other thing it’s very strange I do believe she is very depressed she seemed to isolate herself after the break anyway there’s nothing I can do about it.
Hi James.
Unfortunately, since she decided to push you away, there’s nothing you can do to change her mind. She has to come to the realization on her own.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for such a detailed post about the stages that a dumper goes through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year, we had a very loving relationship, our honeymoon phase was over but we had a very strong bond, we just weren’t able to see each other as much as his family had been visiting for over a month. I am feeling so much physical pain along with emotional pain, but I often come back to back to this post to get some relief in thinking that he will maybe feel some regret in his decision and miss me. I was actually doing well this week because I convinced myself he surely misses me, but I recently found some stuff out that has completely destroying me, I feel utterly sick. When we broke up he originally started out the conversation by saying, “I want to make the decision on wether we should stay together or not” but after our 30 minutes of our conversation he said he didn’t want to try and that he wanted to break up. He followed his break up speech by saying that he has being feel lately that the spark in our relationship is not what it used to be, but that he still wants to enjoy things with me and for me to be in his life. He was crying and asked me if he felt lonely in the coming days if we could get back together, which I responded yes to. Then I begged that night and told him how I hurt I was the next day. The day after that I found all the no- contact stuff so I told him I didn’t want to just be his friend. We haven’t spoken since, and everyday he does something further in order to solidify the break up. Tuesday, Instagram pictures were gone. Wednesday he unfollowed me from his friends only Instagram, Friday he deleted all of our memories. All of these kept pushing me further into despair. But what really pushed me over edge is that I recently found out that days before he broke up with me he messaged a girl he had previously like before we got together ( like REALLY liked) . Then the day after we broke up he messaged her about hanging out and watching a metal concert (something he said he’d never take me too because I wouldn’t like it) . He’s also changed his appearance completely shaved his head, and tried to get a new tattoo. He has been receiving overwhelming praise for his new photography aswell. I thought I was doing better but now I’m just so down and and I feel like such a loser in this situation.
Hi. He broke up with me 4 months ago after 8 years relationship.He dumped for the woman he is with now.We spoke after break up only because of things we still had in common like bills and stuff.Two weeks ago he blocked me on all social media and posted pictures of him and new girlfriend. I never mentioned that I know about her and my guess is he didn’t want me to reach out and ask questions maybe.Ill probably leave Spain in a month and don’t think I’ll come back,as main reason to be here was him.I guess I’ve lost him as I don’t see how would it be possible to recreate a connection.He seems so happy and over me. Not once he said he misses me or wants me back this is so sad. I am trying to move on but is so hard.Please give you thoughts on this. Thanks a lot
Hi Zan
I am with my boyfriend for almost 6 months everything is perfect we never have problem when were together our relationship is almost perfect eventhough its a long distance relationship as he live other state.
Then over a week ago he ask me if i could be friend to him on my social media account then suddenly he broke up with me saying he is upset over my social media account as my the photos of my ex dead bf is still there. I told him those photos is there over a year ago and i did not post any photos of him after i having a relationnship with him and i told he will never be comeback nor a threat into our relationship because he is already died.
I dont know if he made a decision for breaking up with me but i simply respect his decision and moving on my life.
Hi Ruth.
Your ex is acting very immature.
If he can’t respect your deceased ex, then he doesn’t deserve to be your boyfriend.
I suggest you give him some time to calm down and contact you when he’s ready.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan, I’ve a question well more need help and you reply which is great.
Me an my ex gf where together about 3 months dating 2 months together 1 month now I understand it may be short. But everything was great so much in common liked food all that usually stuff. Everything was going fine and then one day she literally went from being mad about me too being like no this isn’t working I don’t feel the same! I said to here eh you serious I was joking about the night before by disagreeing with her about something so silly like. No we never had a fight or and arguement keep that in mind. So anyway I replied that will do after she said about the break up. Then I said tel you what we talk about later I’ll ring you so then rang no answer an all so I left it be a day or two and then began the panic me trying to get answers of why and low and behold she said about the disagreeing thing and I was doing it for days and making her not even interested in my talking. And I went okay sorry but I’m only messing about. Anyway she got cold and I kept asking for a chance. Now I was fighting to give it another go then I took her of my insta Facebook as looking at her was painful I gave it a week off fighting for the relationship! Like we had proper feelings for each other really liked each other the whole lot had weekends away parents like us and all first man they have liked! Now she was with her ex 8 years due to be married but he cheated an hurt her bad. So on the final day I said okay I’ll send her flowers and apologise cause it obviously made her upset and annoyed. Sent the flowers and got this reply off I’m a nice guy doesn’t feel the same she ignore her gut before and not doing it this time because she has to be honest and realistic and how it near killed her the whole ex thing then went you’ll thank me some day when meet the right one that’s all I have to say ok. So I just left her on read because that was it for me I didn’t have anything to say because this warm kind amazing woman turned into a cold witch so I left it never replied and then this must have annoyed her may I add the whole time we where talking during the break up or well times she replied it was always about her feelings never how I felt or anything I mean cold she only cared for her. So again I left it went to my friends house and we had a mate date I posted the food on my snapchat she always viewed my stories in a matter of minutes. She is doing things She didn’t do before posting bikini pictures up an all. Then out of the blue she deleted me on snapchat after viewing it then blocked me on everything even though we where not friends and couldn’t view each other’s profile or stuff we where doing she went from 0-100 angry real fast! She left me on WhatsApp and messenger and I just wrote in a none hostile way eh why did you block me off everything lol and low and behold the last two forms of communication I was blocked off now I’m confused she went from not caring to that in less than 24 hours. Does she seem to be regretting breaking up? Does she have feelings but trying be tough cause the past? Is she a narcissist cause she did show few we traits of that I have her what she wanted and was leaving her alone. Any help from that would be appreciated thanks guys
Hi David.
She doesn’t regret breaking up with you.
She’s giving you cold, disinterested, angry signs–so you must interpret your ex’s actions in a negative way.
She’s not in love with you and doesn’t want a future with you.
I know it hurts to read this, but you need to accept it.
As she says, she’s not the one for you, so find out why and put your time and effort into self-improvement.
You’ve got this,
Zan
This is brilliant. From afar, I have actually watched my ex girlfriend (dumper) go through these stages almost verbatim. I know it’s not the same for everybody, but you have nailed my ex completely.
Hi Conan over what timeline did you GF go through these stages.?
Hi Zan,
I noticed you actually reply to the comments, so hoping you see this one too and I can get a fresh opinion and get out of the denial stage.
I am 24, have a great job, married for 2 years, in a 9 year old relationship (high-school sweethearts). He was my first and only boyfriend and we got married to move to another country. I believe we loved and respected each other to the maximum and the relationship has always been healthy. Nevertheless, we are two completely different people while I am more giving and family-oriented and take care of others unconditionally, while he cares a lot about himself and focuses only on things that actually benefit him.
This is one of the reasons he said was the main thing not going well in our relationship, that we are different people.
So, in the summer we went on vacations on the beach with a group of friends, including a really good friend of his from uni who he talks to almost every day. She really cares about him and always seems to give him special treatment in comparison to her other friends in the same group. I was always fine with that because I am not the jealous type and I value friendships in my life.
This girl actually got engaged before we did, and got married about a year after us. She has been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years before the engagement and I believe she’s not 100% happy because of the distance but has managed to focus on herself and thrive in her career.
After these vacations, something kept going wrong and I felt my husband growing cold. I asked him on a few occasions if he was stressed about work, or if something was bothering him (never thinking it was me). So after a few times of asking, he opened up and said he doesn’t feel the same for me anymore, and that we don’t really know what we are without each other, because for as long as we can remember we’ve been together. We are still young and maybe should try to find ourselves and not continue the relationship only because we’re used to it. After that, I thought to try and take things slowly and try to do some activities that could bring us together. Apparently this didn’t work because on our final trip a few days ago, he confessed that he has feelings for the girl I mentioned before in the summer vacations. He said he tried to get her out of his head, but couldn’t.
He believes she shares the same feeling because of the special treatment she gives him instead of the other friends. In the meantime she is married and my husband will ask her one of these days if she feels the same for him.
He was willing to sacrifice 9 years of relationship for something he doesn’t even know the answer of. She might say yes, but she might also say NO.
I don’t know what that means… Is it as simple as “he doesn’t love you anymore”? Or is it just the grass looks greener in the other girl who is a bit more similar to him as a character. (more selfish and career comes first)
When we broke up, he begged me not to divorce him so he doesn’t loose his citizenship and also asked me to promise that we would keep in touch at least once a week. I didn’t promise any of the above but I am super confused. If the other girl says NO to him, should I give him another chance to save our marriage? Or I am being blind and in denial and I should not look back…
I really value your opinion and I’m looking forward to your reply!
Thanks in advance!
Hi Angela.
Your husband is taking you for granted and only lost feelings for you because of that girl.
Since he likes her, he got cold toward you and wants to get together with her.
So yes, considering he stopped appreciating you, you’re dealing with a grass is greener syndrome situation.
Whether you take him back is up to you. The real question is if he’s realized your importance and is willing to work on his emotions from now on.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much for your reply Zan! I truly appreciate you taking the time to help all of us.
Your answer helped me stop blaming myself and be strong if they actually do get together.
Hi Angela.
Stay strong and keep it up!
Continue giving yourself all the love you deserve.
Best regards,
Zan
I was dumped around a month ago by my girlfriend of three years. Generally, our relationship has been very good and we have gradually grown closer, spending more time at each other’s places, going on a multitude of holiday adventures. We didn’t discuss the future a great deal, but I always let her know that I loved her and wanted to be with her. Occasionally she would become upset because I hadn’t been proactive enough in talking about the future (moving in, etc).
We took a holiday to Asia in May and had a wonderful time. On the last day, in the pool, she started crying and saying we need to sort out our arrangements around living together because we need to get ahead and she needs to feel secure.
I live in a very nice house in the centre of a capital city that my parents bought me. She lives in an apartment not too far away that was purchased with money given to her by her father. I live where I live because it’s rent free and enables me to save for a deposit for a house and also to enjoy my life.
After we came back, we focused on living arrangements and I suggested she move in to my house, enabling her to rent her apartment if she needed extra income. I told her my parents were happy for her to and my dad even helped buy new furniture for her so that there was enough storage space.
One of the other reasons I suggested this was because we were changing our careers: she had stopped working before our holiday to pursue postgrad studies and I had started my own business.
She declined this suggestion eventually and suggested moving into hers. I was initially a bit annoyed that she just shut down the sensible option (financially speaking) and made the point that I could move in but there was doubt as to where the storage space was (hers is a one bed apartment).
Over the next month or so, we didn’t discuss it much and just let her come back to me with a final decision. She went away abroad for a week, came back and told me she had spoken with her family who said she shouldn’t be with me if we don’t want the same things. We argued and I got annoyed that assumptions were being made about how I feel rather than asking me or talking about it. I made it very clear I wanted a future with her, I had pictured getting married to her and settling down. She said that is not the next step as we need to live together first. Again, we argued about the best option for living together and she said perhaps renting would be a good option. I said that this was the least favorable as she had just left a job for studies and I had just started a business. We made up after it and I apologized for my reaction but made it clear I love her and that I agreed it shouldn’t have to be bludgeoned out of us to talk about these things.
She went away on holiday with a friend for a week, still messaging me and telling me she missed and loved me. When she came back, we resumed our normal routine for a week: seeing each other 2-3 times during the week and at weekends. She then told me she needed some time to herself at some point to “reset” – I understood and she suggested it would happen after two weddings we were due to attend. The weddings were fun and in no way did it seem she was frosty with me or lacking affection. She said she loved me and we had normal physical relations.
A week after the second wedding, she contacted me to say she needs the break for a couple of weeks. She did it in person and I was quite physically affected by it. She then ‘mothered’ me a bit taking me upstairs, shushing me and telling me not to worry as it was just like a long business trip. I was obviously upset but I didn’t ask for her to do this.
During the break she messaged me asking if I had thought about what had been going on. I said I had and had realized my communication was not what she had needed. And I needed to improve telling her about what I think and feel, particularly in relation to the future. She said she was grateful I could see this and said we could work on our issues. She acknowledged that she hadn’t been telling me about her needs as she had been worried about annoying me or pushing me away.
The break ended, she turned up and cried on the doorstep. Initially, she almost seemed to be trying to go on another break straight away. We had a long chat, a walk and she went home. She couldn’t concentrate on her pre-course reading so she asked to see me on a walk in the park. I agreed.
When I saw her she started crying again and said she had high anxiety and had been crying a lot since seeing me. She said she can’t handle our relationship as it was making her sad and she said she couldn’t be my girlfriend. I tried to tell her it was that she was getting rid of me that seemed to make her sad, as the relationship had been on pause for a while. We hadn’t had sex in a few weeks and I pointed this out, saying it can make things worse and more frustrating for both sides. We had a long but not shouty chat about everything such as living arrangements and when I offered to move in to hers, she said she didn’t want that and couldn’t be my girlfriend – nevertheless, she asked me to walk with her and we went into hers and had sex with each other.
During her course for two weeks I saw her twice. The first occasion was fine, on the second I got the sense she didn’t seem keen on seeing me. I played it a bit cooler but was unavoidably hurt that the girl I loved didn’t seem to want to see me after a week. I wasn’t needy or anything but after she had said she had been angry at me for a week over something I said about rent, I told her I didn’t feel good that she seemed like she didn’t want to see me. We made up, cooked and again had sex with each other.
In the morning after I had stayed over she said “she couldn’t be there in the way I wanted from her” and that it wasn’t enough to just keep saying I loved her. We talked again about living arrangements and about the fact that she didn’t want me to move in. I got a bit annoyed that she was dictating everything and we were going to the option of rent, but said I’m happy to consider renting. Later that day she came to see me at mine, and that evening I sent a list of places to rent.
In the morning she didn’t say anything about them and said she would look later. The following morning she said she had looked but she was “confused” by me sending them at all. And that we could chat when she sees me on the next day.
The next day we had dinner in town, everything seemed good and mostly normal. She agreed to come and stay at mine for the night. We go to bed and she responds to my saying I loved her with the same. In the morning we chat, and do sexual things together, but I then mention something to do with renting about furniture (a solution).
She says “thank you for showing you are listening to me – but seeing you these past weeks has not been good. I can’t be seeing you. I can’t be your girlfriend now. I don’t know whether we will have a future or not but I need to protect myself. I do love you but I need to focus on myself and you have your business to focus on. You need to think about what you want and don’t wait for me – I don’t want that pressure.” I was sad and tears started to show and she initially comforts me.
Then she leaves. I sent a few messages questioning the course of events, she claims the underlying issues haven’t changed. I send a few more that question how they haven’t as she had recognised I had shown I was listening to her. She said she couldn’t think straight and would contact me in the morning.
In the morning it was like a different person. She said she had nothing more to say. After I asked her why when I offered the future she wanted proactively she didn’t want it she said “because I shouldn’t have had to insist upon it” – I told her that there are two people in a relationship and who is driving these things isn’t always done in the way you expect. I said I had recognized what happened on holiday and made proactive moves to move forward.
She then said “I had given you long enough to see what was important to me (not just the living situation)” and that through “fear, unwillingness to compromise or misunderstanding, I hadn’t been able to.”
I apologized for this but also said that I remember the bigger issues she had talked about during the break that we were going to work on and that she had already started to see in me that I had worked on them and had thanked me for the effort.
She didn’t respond for a day. I told her I had written some thoughts down and she told me she had discussed it as much as she was willing to and that I should focus my energy elsewhere.
Saddened and shocked by this, I responded two days later saying that I understood and I will do so and that it she needed me she knew where to find me.
Went No Contact for a week.
I called her a week after to tell her I had thought a lot about the relationship and had a wake up call and saw where I went wrong. I gave reasons for some of the failings and said I accepted her decision but that I wanted to tell her because I valued her and respected her very highly. We talked for 2.5 hours about the relationship. It was very positive, though she kept dropping hints that it was “over” by saying “remember this for next relationship” and “I have your house key I need to give back.” She declined meeting up at all saying she “wasn’t ready for that at all yet!” I was a bit humorous at times and she said it was “too early” and that I seemed to be blasé and putting on a brave face. I told her I had been really upset which she had seen when I left and she said “Exactly and I shouldn’t have to be there to look after you!”
We ended the call on good terms and I resolved to do No Contact.
Two and a half weeks after this I called again, thinking a decent time had elapsed, and it was a foreign dial tone. I hung up and she then called me back but I couldn’t hear her voice – just a conference call in the background. I didn’t message or say anything.
The week after I messaged her to say that something at a conference had reminded me of her and had been wondering how she was. She messaged back saying she had hoped the thing had “inspired me.”
I’m now into No Contact again, trying to make sense of this situation.
Just my two cents here… If I was dating a guy who waited three years to talk about marriage, I wouldn’t feel secure enough to rent my apartment, either. Actually, I wouldn’t even wait for three years. One…maybe one and a half… And if he – not me – didn’t bring up marriage and kids this while, I would be out. Her family was right. You two are not on the same page. You might want to start a family much later on, but she’s had enough of a casual relationship.
I don’t agree at all Anett. It all depends on how old these two are. Sounds like a lack of communication on both parts.
I personally would not be bothered if family and marriage didn’t crop up after 3 years, at my current age at least. It would be different were I older I guess. Although, personally, i would have been expecting to be living with my partner that long into the relationship.
But if these were important things to her, she should have said so. She shouldn’t be playing games. And then when she finally decides to tell him that he’s not stepping up to her expectations, she shouldn’t be all like ‘oh no, too bad, it’s taken you too long to ask.’
People can’t read minds. Communication is key. The fact that he showed willingness after the fact shows he was willing to step up and start making serious moves in the relationship. Frankly she just sounds confused and like she may have some inner issues to sort out first. It is weird she would want to throw it all away after you were being more conscious of what she wants out of a relationship.
My two cents, reading your story, she doesn’t sound like someone of emotional maturity and does not sound like she is even ready for marriage/family/kids, etc. She plays too many games.
I was here exactly a year ago sad over my ex because we had a really bad break up. He dumped me because our relationship was very toxic. Well last week I received something I never thought I would receive. A text message from my ex who i haven’t heard from in a year sending me a long apology message about our relationship. Well the following day i needed up meeting him at the park and we talked about our relationship about a year ago on how bad it was. And it was weird I had no feelings toward him no good nor bad. It was like I had no feeling at all. I’m just shocked on why did he contact me? The last message he sent me a year ago was that he never wanted to see me again nor speak to me again and home that one day he will forget about me. I’ve grown since then and I’m a totally different girl from a year ago. Also when i saw him he was really small, like he hasn’t been eating. And after all these months I thought he was living him beat life. Turns out he couldn’t even hold a job nor a gf. I know he’s been hooking up a lot. I just want to know if this apology was sincere or is he trying to get something out of it. I could tell in the meet up I don’t think he’s looking to get back together or anything. I just want to know. Why now? He also said he would like to see me again but probably two weeks or so. He did say he was happy for me because how great I looked and how much I’ve succeeded over the two years. Is it bad that I may still love him. But I just don’t want to tell him that. When i saw him i acted strong. What does this all mean??!? Please help me😭
Hi Monique. Welcome back.
Your ex is likely going through a rough patch and is looking for a girl to connect with him again. I believe he wants to get back together with you and once again receive relationship benefits from you.
Proceed with caution.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zane,
It’s just hard I can’t read him. I said he would like to be friends with me but I told him I do t think I want to be friends with you and he said he understands. (I was Lowkey pissed because he agreed to easily, but I didn’t show it) He hasn’t tried reaching out to me ever since. It just feels like he wanted to apologize to me to make himself to feel better. It just hurts to know that if he finds another girl, he’ll treat her better than me. Should I be friends with him? To slowly try and build a relationship with him?
Hi Monique.
I strongly suggest you avoid being your ex’s friend right now. It isn’t good for your healing.
He may have apologized to soothe his guilt, and that’s okay.
He won’t treat another person any better than he treated you. You can be sure of it.
Stay strong,
Zan
None of my family members nor friends understand what I am going through. I was in a 5 year relationship with my partner. We weren’t married nor had children, but that was a future I saw so nearby. On our fifth-year anniversary, I had asked him if he was still in love with me and what we wanted for the next 5 years just as a reinforcement that we were still on the same page. This was in May 2019. He assured me that he was still in love with me, but the topic on children was rocky. He mentioned that he wanted this time to be about him, he actually said that he wanted to be “selfish with his time”. Now that I think of it, he didn’t even mention the word us. Our relationship was very passive. We did not argue. We tried seeing eye to eye for everything. I strive to have a relationship where we both were happy individuals that instead of morphing into 1, we consciously agree to share a life together as individuals who love one another for who we are. He had his likes and hobbies, as did I. We started at a young age, he was 23 and I had just turned 25. His upbringing around the age of 11 to early adulthood was unlike mine. He was on his own with his sister at the age of 14. His mother had moved them to the US, but decided she wanted to return to her home country. Him and his sister decided to stay back because of the opportunities they had in the US. They stayed at a relative’s house and were on their own. I looked up to them so much for their courage, independence and will to raise themselves & persevere without a parent. He focused on his schoolwork and excelled. He is so intelligent. I, on the other hand, had both my parents growing up until the age of 25. I would have still been living with them if they had not moved out of state. Knowing that my partner had that upbringing, I made sure to give him all the love he ever lacked during those years. I wanted to be his rock, best friend and lover. We had HORRIBLE communication problems, especially after the first year of our relationship. I became pregnant and we were terrified. We both agree that this was not the time, but before we could go on with the procedure – it was discovered that I had a miscarriage. All I wanted to do at that point was talk about it. Know what he thought about we went through. For him to hear whatever feeling I had and vice versa. But he buried that experience deep away in his heart and never gave me that outlet. Along the way, I discovered that his father was a different ethnicity than what he said. I should have seen that as a red flag, but I never gave him grief or wanted to pick a fight. He said that his father did not speak of his past, so he doesn’t know much. His mother and father separated when he was just 5 years old and he did not see him often after that. Our intimate life was also dying at that point. For me, it was the fear of getting pregnant again because he did not like to use protection and I was too prideful to continue birth control pills when he was not compromising. For him, it was intimate performance problem that was getting the best of him. We continued this and at our 3rd year of relationship, we moved into our own apartment. I always told him that we need to talk about our intimate life and get help because its not normal and he would reassure me that we would and topped it off with saying that intimate is not everything to him, that he is not an intimate person. We continued to be there for one another, he started a new job where his salary increased immensely. However, we kept our finances fair because my values do not lie in being taken financially cared for as I am able to work & earn my own money. We started working a lot. Long hours. We both gave our work 110%. During those 2 years- we were occasionally intimate, traveled, went out on dates, spent time with family & friends, talked about the future. I felt loved, I felt valued and respected. He gave me peace, but what I realize now is that that peace came within me. Within me because I trusted him with my heart. In mid-July, he started acting different. His work had him travel sometimes. And one night after being away for 4 days, he decided to stay out with his coworkers and did not come home until 1am. I remember calling him non-stop and he would not pick up. When he did call me back, he apologized and said that he had left his work cellphone at the bar and had to go back and get it but he was already in the taxi coming home. I was so naïve to have believed that. Reason I believed him was because it could happen. It’s happened to me where I have left something behind at a restaurant or bar. When he got home, I was so upset because instead of coming home after a work trip to be with me, he chose to stay out. I had him sleep on the couch for the next 2 nights without communicating with me. He tried to talk to me those nights, but I kept shutting him out. He wrote me a letter saying that he admits that he hasn’t valued me the way I should, and he has taken me for granted. That he is not the man he has made himself appear to be, but that I am the love of him life and that he will always love me. Again, I was so naïve. I just thought he felt guilty for having gone out with his co-workers and not coming home after work. We spoke that Saturday and he told me that he does not know what is going on with him. That he feels down and distracted. That all he wants to do is get drunk. He kept talking about himself as an ingenuine person, that he has identity issues. He spoke about what is his purpose in life. He said that he thought by this age he would be a genius, if only his parents would have stimulated that in when he was younger. He even went on to say that this has nothing to do with us or our intimate life. He told me that he wanted to get better and get help, but he wanted to do it with me by his side. I was shocked and felt a wall go up in my heart because I have never heard him speak so ill of himself. A few hours later, my heart soften again, and I felt that I need to help this man because I love him so much. We hugged and kissed shortly after. I do not even remember if he said he was sorry. We continued that weekend normally; we went to the mall, went out to eat, learned how to play poker. He was so happy to be back bed that night. The next day, we went to my sister house to congratulate her as she told us she was pregnant that Monday prior while he was away. He has always been shy, more of a listener not too much of a talker, but that day he was more uneasy. I should have asked more questions. I should have looked into his eyes and asked him to tell me what was going on. The following week, I tried to encourage him as much as I could, and things seemed fine until one Friday night where he said he needed to talk to me about us. That Friday, he had come back from a one-day work trip to the west coast. He left on a Wednesday early evening to be able to be at the client’s site on Thursday and then took a redeye from the west coast Thursday night and went straight to work Friday morning. I came home late from work that date and as soon as I walked into our apartment, he stated crying. He said he does not know if he was depressed but he felt that he did not love me anymore. He said he felt like my happiness was his responsibility and that he did not want to keep dragging me along. I was again in total shock. I asked him when he thought he fell out of love and he said he did not know, he said maybe when we moved in 2 years ago. He said that life became a routine and he felt complacent. I could not believe what he was saying because he never spoke up, not even ONCE to voice his feelings. I was in shock and I said the words I wish now I would have never said “I don’t believe you; you do love me – I feel it”. That Friday night we cried like we have never cried before. He dropped to the ground and kept saying “Why am I like this?” with his fists clenched and hitting his temples. I went to bed and he came next to me asking if he could turn the AC on. We were falling asleep, at least he was when I got out of the bed abruptly to go to the living room. His cellphone was there. I didn’t touch it, but he came out of the bedroom and reached for his phone to come sit next to me. I remember shaking my head and he saw it and said something along the lines that he’s not hiding anything. However, he did go to the bathroom shortly after. I left the apartment to take some fresh air and he never came after me nor called me. After getting some McDonalds, I came back home. He was sleeping on the couch and I went to our bedroom. I could not sleep that night. I cried with so much pain because I did not understand what was going on. He came back to the bedroom to say that he didn’t know why he said that. His words were “Did I jump the gun?”. He continued to hold my hand and wipe my tears and said that “of course I’m still in love with you … I think I’m bipolar. I told him that he will talk about that and get help & we both fell asleep from the exhaustion of crying to wake up that next Saturday to cry even more. He told me how special I was, how I deserve to be with someone who loves me as much as I love. Someone who knows how to value me .. etc. He said that he has only cried 4 times in his life. He said he cried the day his mom left back to her home country and he stayed behind, but that he only cried that 1 day. He cried when his cat was put down (I was with him through that). He cried when his dad died in December, which he thanked me for because I pushed him to break down. We were supposed to go away on vacation that morning when his aunt called him saying his dad passed away during the night. He did not react. He just booked his plane ticket, asked me to go to his sister’s house to get her and then we went to get breakfast before his flight. We were at a diner when I told him “baby you need to cry- its okay to break down here, just let go/feel”. And he did. And I was by his side to rub his chest and transfer all the light and love I had in my heart to his, to help him get through this. The fourth time he states to have cried was then, as he was speaking. And that this has been the most he has ever cried and has been open about. He went on to say sorry for never have taken me out to dance, for being the way he was through the pregnancy/miscarriage, for not being there for me like I needed when my grandmother passed away in 2016 and for having to put up with his behavior of being grumpy and not out going. We continued that day crying and when I asked again if he really didn’t love me, he couldn’t answer me and just said “I am torturing you right”. I proceed to pack up some of my clothing and I was determined to leave when he broke down even more and exclaimed for me to stay. He said he does not want this, that this is too real, that of course he still loves me. He made it seem like we were going to work through this. And so, I stayed. Later that night and continuing to the next day he apologized for making us go through that and even joked about my clothing being packed and left in the entryway. We started another work week and Monday started off fine, we agreed to read a book together called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F”. He texted me throughout the day as he always did. Telling me that he loved me and that I was his “bedrock”. Tuesday came and he mentioned that he had to go to another one-day work trip to the west coast. I was hesitant because time apart was not what we needed, but what could I say. Work is work. We communicated while he was away, but not extensively because I wanted to “exude independence”. That Thursday night came, and he texted me while he was boarding the plane saying that he couldn’t wait to be back home. I sent him a heart emoji. Six hours later and a different time zone, he texted to say he had landed, and he was tired, but it felt good to be back. I asked him where he was, and he said heading to the office. Nothing abnormal there. Friday night came and he came home to a cooked meal. I greeted him with a kiss and asked about his day. He had gone to play soccer after work as he always did during the warm season. He said that while he was playing, he felt a sudden low in his mood and he sat out for most of the game. I had already Googled how to help your loved one who may be depressed. I read about signs, I read about what to do and what not to say. I even scheduled an appointment with a psychotherapist to help me. My response to him was that it happens, and he should talk to a therapist. I offered calling our healthcare provider to find therapist around his job so, he can go schedule an appointment and then led him into the bathroom to take a shower before dinner. During dinner he did not eat much which is unlike him, he did not thank me for dinner but rather he said “I appreciate this very much”. He started talking about random things I never heard him say before – about warm lemon water, avocado toast, Buddhism. And then he said that what he is going through is making him question so many things. I didn’t ask what – I just let him vent because I didn’t want to cause him grief. He said that he wanted to go for a walk, I asked if I could go with him and he said he would rather go on his own. He went to the bathroom and came out saying that he would go walk to his sister’s job because she was getting off her shift soon. I said okay and off he went. He came back after 1 ½ – 2 hours later. I was already in bed trying to sleep but crying because I did not know what I can do to help my love. He did not kiss me or hugged me that night. Saturday came and I woke up early to get ready for my first appointment with my therapist. I decided to walk there as it was a 45 minute walk and it would do me some good. He went to the gym which was his typical routine. He said if I wanted for him to pick me up, but I declined and just walked back. He made plans to go have lunch together and do our nails. He asked how my session went and advise me to be as open as possible with the therapist that there will be things that I will realize. He also said to talk to the therapist about us, but that he did not want to know what she would say about him. We had lunch, we did our nails – but he was no longer emotionally there. He walked in front of me. He did not look me in the eyes as before. He did not caress me. He did not kiss me. That night he had plans to go play poker with his friends, I went to take my cousins to the movie theater. When I got home, he was already home watching tv and eating ice cream. We spoke about our nights and went to bed. That night he looked for me to lay his head on my chest. I held him, kissed his forehead, his hair and slept with all the love in my heart. Next day it was Sunday and he asked if we could go to the mall instead of going to an art exhibit as planned. He said “lets go to the art exhibit next weekend”. We went to the mall because he wanted to make shirts, pants and shoes. On our way to the mall, he asked if I was sad and I responded truthfully that I was because deep down I was. He went on to ask further if it was because of his behavior and again, truthfully, I answered yes. As we were driving to the mall, he started talking about how messed up his values are. How his values revolve around what people think of him and the impression he wants people to have of him. That he wants to appear successful and how he tries to please everyone and lies to not hurt people’s feelings. He asked me about my values, which I was caught off guard with. I quickly responded “I don’t know, I feel like a main one is treating others the way you would like to be treated” in which he responded something about my value also being about other’s reactions towards me. I should have said LOYALTY. During the course of the day, he told me that we have to be responsible for our own feelings, that we cannot let other’s actions affect us. I had trouble understanding that then. We went on a quick supermarket run and he said that we need to come back to buy more groceries. That night I went to sleep with a pounding headache by his side. In the middle of the night he came to hug me, but quickly took his arm off. I didn’t allow him, I grabbed his arm again and wrapped it around my waist. Monday came again and he had to leave to another work trip- this trip was a fellowship he was elected to participate in. It was a 4 day trip. He woke me up to let me know he was going to the gym but would be back after I have to leave for work. I hugged him from the bed and he said that his shirt is dirty from his previous work out- I didn’t care and hugged him nonetheless. I told him not to worry about the past. And his answer to me was, “Oh I am not worry about the past, I am focused on the present”. What a positive answer I thought. I made him an egg sandwich before leaving to work and left him a note like we most recently started doing when he would go on work trips. This note felt different as I wrote it. I told him that I hope the sandwich was yummy and that I love him and miss him. We barely spoke that day. I knew he would be taking the train into his destination instead of flying and asked him if we can speak during the train ride. He did not answer my text nor call. When I got home, I found the letter he left me saying “Thank you for the sandwich but thank you more for everything you do. Take care of yourself, love yourself, I love you and I’ll miss you.” My heart broke a little bit because I did not understand. Finally he called that night saying that he was just reading and relaxing during the train ride, that he had just gotten to the hotel and was getting ready for bed. He did not want to talk anymore so I did not force it. We hung up but no I love yous were exchanged. The next morning, as always, he woke up to go for a work out. He texted me saying he slept alright and that he was going to go work out and he hopes I am getting a great sleep. Again no I love you or good morning babe. I didn’t sleep much that night so I was awake when he sent that. I replied back saying that why doesn’t he feel like saying I love you anymore or calling me baby. I explained that I know he is going through something and I am here to support him with love but that I needed clarity on us. He quickly called me to say that he knows I want a reaction from him but he cannot give me one. He said that what he is going through affects me the most because I am the closest thing to him, but that he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he has doubts about us still. Still had doubts about us from the previous week that he had cried. I told him that I am willing to fight for our relationship and his well beings but if he cannot separate that from us & he is still going to have doubts about us then it is not fair to me. I wanted to tell him so much more. I wanted to tell him how he could push the one person that has showed him unconditional love while everyone else in his life including his family has always taken and taken from him. I wanted to say irrational and ill words- but instead I just told him, “Everyone in your life has ben so selfish towards you, but not me I will not be selfish so, if this is what you want then I will let you go.” I believe he thanked me and he said that he knows that I am not selfish and that not to think that there is anybody in the picture. He said he does not know what his life would be without me. That we would talk when he gets back, but that he wants me to know that he will always be there for me. Once I heard that last sentence, I told him to spare me the cliché. We hung up and he did not bother to contact me the rest of that day or the next. My mind was set that I would be leaving the apartment before he got back from his trip. I packed all of my clothing and I was going through old pictures from memory cards from cameras we had previously used. I found a beautiful picture that I did not see or have before of my grandmother caressing my arm while I was laying down. And then I looked into a usb drive. That usb drive had a lot of personal documents for him. His adoption papers from when his uncle adopted him. The emancipation papers. Court papers. College documents. Pictures from his high school girlfriend which he never showed me, saying he didn’t have any pictures from when he was young. I felt so much love seeing young him and felt so much endearment towards that part of his life. Innocence. Then I saw a screenshot of a text message where a woman said “I kind of miss you in my bed’ and a response to her saying “I sort of miss you laying on my chest”. The text continued where the woman asked did you go home or back to the hotel and the response was hotel. Then a question was asked to the woman saying that you left your earring and bra here for evidence and she responded yikes. They talked about if they were able to sleep more and what time they would be going into work. I knew that was him from the way he typed the sentence about the bra, earring, evidence. I proceed to call him and asked him who this woman was and he replied my co-worker why. I asked again who is this woman and he said again my co-worker what are you getting to. So, I read the text verbatim and he admitted to cheating on me. I asked him why and he said that she paid him attention. I asked him how many times and he said more than once. I asked him if he lied to me about the one-day work trips and he said that he would come back the night before but say he was catching a red eye. I asked him if he used protection and he said no. I said what if she is pregnant and he said “absolutely not”. I asked him why he didn’t let me go and he said he was selfish. I asked him when did it start and he said that night he came home late lying about leaving his cellphone at the bar. He said everything happened because he was drunk. But I said it couldn’t have because you planned hotel nights and even went to her home. You couldn’t have been drunk booking the room. He continued to say that he is a bad person and I deserve better and to let him leave with his consequences. He slipped in there a comment of that he should just die and I yelled not to say that. He told me about 6 times to let him go. Not once did he say I am sorry. He showed no remorse. Nor did he want to fight for me. I asked him how could you have given me up so easily every time you laid with her. He said the guilt was eating him up alive. I asked him why didn’t you talk to me, why didn’t you say anything to me, and he said that he could not talk anymore. I do not remember what else I said but I told him that he killed us, that we will never be any more. That we will live out our lives to old age and die without ever having the chance to say I love you or hold each other or kiss or look each other in the eyes. He said I know I am fuck up, I need help. I asked if he loved me and he said that he doesn’t love me because he did he would have not done what he did. He also said that he prays for me every night so that God can put in my path a man that will know how to value and love me the way I deserve. I told him never to return to the apartment again, never to speak of me or my family. And hung up. He didn’t call. My friends and family came the next day to help me pack up his things. My brother in-law texted him saying that his things are packed and to mail me the check with the savings we had together. Yeah, we had a savings account where we saving up for a home. Stupidly, it was under his name. His response read as a business text. I called him on a Friday and he picked up and he said “I am sorry” just once. He said that the woman is also in a relationship. He said that she knows about me. Yet when I said that she was wrong he defended her saying that she is not to blame. That it is all him. I asked him if he had talked to him and he said no. He said that he ended things with her the day that I told him that I would not be selfish & I will let him go. I asked what he said to her and he said that he told her that they are co-workers and its not professional. I quickly responded back saying that was the only reason? What about me? He said that he mentioned that too .. I asked him who are you and he responded I don’t know who I am. I told him I thought you wanted this life. Peaceful where you came during the work week to have dinner, play piano, unwind, watch tv and rest. And he said I don’t know if that’s what I want. He told me he was a broken person that how isn’t that I do not see that. He called himself a sociopath. He told me to take care of myself. I told him I love him and he said do not say that. I was leaving that weekend to a girls’ trip so, I said to him to come on Saturday to take his things and to leave me the keys. I went away. I drank and I called him multiple times and texted him around 2am that I hated him and he was the worse thing that could have happened to me. I was even vulgar in saying to keep f your b-h. He didn’t text back or pick up the calls. I insisted and called him around 7am to which he responded and said that he got my texts. He asked desperately what he can do to help me get through this betrayal. I told him how I wished we would have done so many things differently throughout the years and he agreed too. I told him he was my best friend and he said I was too. He cried when I told him that my parents were heartbroken. And he said that he is going to miss them because they were his family. I told him how I felt no remorse from him and he said that I do not know what he is feeling just because his voice sounds like that doesn’t mean that he is not going through pain. He asked me to stop harassing him and he said that this happened because our intimate life died. A intimate life that he didn’t speak on and didn’t try. I didn’t speak or try either. We didn’t know how to communicate or speak about the uncomfortable/tough stuff. He said he was going to hang up on me because he needed to call his sister but I said no you cannot hang up on me. The last thing I said was I love you again and again he said not to say that. I yelled you don’t love me and he responded “no, I don’t and this is the most honest I have ever been”. I hung up and those were the last words I heard from him. I got back to the apartment that Sunday night and all his things were gone and my heart shattered more than what it already was. He left me the check from our savings account with a post-it talking about that he will still pay for my insurance, internet and phone bill for as long as he could because that is that least that he can do. He said I am sorry for putting you through this, but thank you for everything you have done for me. And that’s it. Just like that 5 years were over. I went mental that night, I did not sleep and I called him about 30 times which he never responded to or called me back. I lost myself. I did not recognize who I was, but through prayer Jesus restored my dignity and I never called him again. Its been 6 weeks. He never showed his face. No contact from his end. and surely none from my part. I finished the book we had started prior to unraveling the truth, and to my surprise – everything he ever said about himself and his values and us being responsible for our own feelings came from that book. Its like the author spoke to him and every counterintuitive approach to living a good life that was said in the book, he put into practice. However, I did not read the part about lying and deceiving. When I finished the book, I was destroyed.
I read something today “I forgive you for all of it because I refuse to live with hate in my heart for someone I loved dearly. I refuse to let you haunt me like a ghost that was never put to rest. I refuse to let you impact the relationships … [I will have in the future]- because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about loving hard, it wasn’t that I was doing it wrong, it was that YOU were wrong.”
My truth is that I wasn’t perfect in the relationship either. I had my faults and flaws and I own up to it. But I was honest with every fiber of my being. I genuinely loved and cared for this person. And my intentions were always pure. I do not know who this person is and what was true from our relationship. The only thing I know for sure that was true these past 5 years was my experience; what I felt, lived and what I am learning. Thank you for letting me vent.
This is so me right now. Almost 6years. Then he just dumped. I am so depress and broken. I cant even eat or work. He just left me without telling me any reason behind it. And the day you posted this is the day he left me.
I noticed that you actually respond to the comments here so I’ll leave my situation and let me know what you think.
I got married recently about 4 months ago and have been close with my best friend, who has been my rock through a lot of hardships. Recently those hardships have been coming back up in my mind. For instance in the first three months of me dating my now-husband, I learned that he’d been seeing prostitutes behind my back. I also found out about a girl at work he’d slept with and lied to me about even though I asked if they’d had previous sexual experiences together. He was on vacation with a buddy of his and I was left with his computer and I found all his text messages to the prostitutes and about that other girl. I was so shocked as his family and mine are very intertwined and I felt so betrayed. I was going to leave, but then I decided to try and forgive him and be the “bigger” person.
Fast forward 3 years later and I realized that while we worked on his sex addiction issue, we never addressed how I felt and I fell into the role of caregiver/fixer. We had some great moments after everything blew over, but deep down all the lying and betrayal was eating away at me. I admitted what had happened to his mother once and she didn’t even seem surprised, like she knew or didn’t want to admit her son did that. I felt very alone with that situation, and never shared it with anyone because I didn’t want to ruin his reputation with friends or family.
Now about 2-3 months ago and after we got married I fell in love with someone else and tried to fight my feelings for that other man. I went to counselling to see if I could get rid of my guilt for feeling like I was emotionally cheating on my husband, but the counsellor said I needed to follow my gut and my gut was saying I should leave my husband (not for the new guy, but at least for me).
I had the final breakup talk with my husband a few weeks ago and I’ve signed a lease to rent my own apartment in another city. But I’m at the stage of packing up my house and I feel regretful for where I’m at and feel like I might be making the wrong choice. We had so many great moments and his family has always been great to me. His mother texted me after the break up saying I “owed it to the relationship” and that it was my “obligation to my marriage” to stay.
I feel like I’ve given so much of myself to this relationship, especially in the first 3 months. I should have left back then and I didn’t. How do I owe any more?? I don’t know if I’ll be happy on my own or when I’ll start seriously looking at dating my new guy (who was the best friend I mentioned before). I have told him I need time to sort myself out and he has been respectful of that. I don’t want to rebound and I believe my husband at least deserves my respect in grieving the relationship we had properly. It’s just so sad it didn’t work out… and I feel like it’s all my fault.
Sorry for the novel. What do you think about this?
Hi Ash.
I think that you definitely need to move on from your husband for yourself. It especially feels like the right thing to do if you weren’t happy in your relationship most of the time.
What you’re bothered with is nostalgia. Those happy memories, as well as habits that you two shared together.
But don’t fret. You can and will make more happy/happier memories again with the right person.
Kind regards,
Zan
A lot of this, 99%, matches me and my ex right now. She is unrecognizable to me. We broke up so she could “work on herself” and then she started dating her best guy friend. How do you know what you preach is true?
Hi Jagger.
She merely used one of the typical breakup excuses.
Best,
Zan
Zan, i think my question was, will we ever reconcile? Our marriage was good for the most part, lots of great events and memories. i messed up big time by drinking. I was doing good with sobriety until my antidepressants got changed when i switched doctors. Since then, ive went to treatment, got back on my meds that work for me, and im on the right track. I see the positive in this separation and im taking it as a wake up and im working every minute trying to be the best version of myself.
Ive been noticing through social media that my wife looks sad and empty inside when she posts pics of herself. Like she is forcing her smiles. Her smile was always genuine when we were together. I have ADHD so i tend to notice little things that most people ignore. She has Borderline personality disorder. What a combination right?
Hi Cale.
It’s indeed a very strange combination.
But whether she comes back depends on her mentality as well as your ability to control yourself.
Best,
Zan
My wife whom ive been with for 5 years left me 2 months ago. We are both in our late 30s and have a 3 year old. She said the reason was because i relapsed from alcohol abuse. And this was her text.
Last week I figured everything out. My sex drive and my respect for you really started disappearing when we lived in the apartment. Everytime I found your alcohol. I have no respect for you now and I’m pissed because I lost respect for myself when I kept making excuses for you and not leaving when I should have when I was pregnant with our son. I even made myself believe that you would quit drinking once we got married, because you knew I would be by your side no matter what. How stupid was I?
I’m not coming back, we are through. I’m going to move on with my life and get my self-respect back. The only thing that we will ever discuss or have between us is Alex.
Any suggestions?
Hi Cale.
It’s time you put in the work you should have done years ago. Get rid of your addiction completely once and for all and communicate with her on friendly terms once she’s ready.
Best regards,
Zan
One of the characteristics mentioned at the beginning of the blog (the dumper doing things that are totally foreign to their normal behavior, and even logic) was so amazingly like my ex-girlfriend that it seems written specifically about her. She did/said many things in the last couple of weeks of our relationship that were so uncharacteristic and bizarre that I wondered if she was having a psychological breakdown of some kind. It added to the confusion and emotional distress I was already dealing with.
Hi.
I’ve been broken up with my ex for about 6 months. We share a child and were together for 8 years.
She moved on within a few months, and says she’s in love. I have no reason to believe this is a rebound as I think she finished with me in her head along time before we actually called it.
I cheated a few times, and things spiralled out of control. She took me back every time and she just reached her limit after new year, the arguments and trust issues got to much. I thought the breakup was going to be ok, I felt relief with a little sadness. But for the last 4 months I have been hurting bad. I guess I realised how much I truly love her. I reached out a few times, the last time a few weeks ago and she said she would never give me a chance. I realised after this I need to cut contact. Which I have done. She phones me on her days off and we talk about our daughter, but I can’t deal with the small talk it was hurting to much as she’s moved on but in my head I’m fighting for scraps of conversation and it means so much more to me.
I am feeling better lately. I’m more positive in life and especially around her. I know she will never leave this guy for me, why would she when everything is exciting atm. I know I must move on which I’m trying to do. I just want some advise. I don’t ever expect another chance.
But how can I move on, but also be there for her enough to maybe make her see one day how different I am.
I’ve done a lot of growing up. Part of me wants her relationship to be amazing so she is happy but another part wants it to crash and burn so she might turn my way.
She worshiped me and I toyed with her, I was young and immature.
Hi Saf.
Sometimes we don’t get another chance as we were given many.
That’s why you should do the things that are within your ability to change. Start by finding out why you cheated her, work on your issues and get professional help if you need to.
Do whatever it takes to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.
Once you do, you will move on by repairing your own perception of yourself.
Best,
Zan
I’m just curious to see how you have progressed and if your now feeling better?
Hi I need some help! Desperately ..my partner and I were together for 9-10 months. Things started so well. I loved him so much and he loved me too.. we spoke about a family and everything. He had told me I was the best girlfriend he has had and how I’d don’t nice special things for him that no one else had ever done! I went through a mental health stage where I broke down for two months and was a real miserable horrible person to him.. it wasn’t him I hated or anything. I was struggling with my emotions .. and my mental health. I thought he would stick by me but he didn’t ! He waited until I started to feel slightly better (we were getting on well at this point) and he then ended it with me. Kicked me out of the house we were sharing. Wouldn’t speak to me.. just said he was sorry he’s done. I’ve tried to reach out countless times and he just ignores me! We were suppose to be going on holiday Wednesday this week coming.. which we aren’t going now. (Not sure if he is). He’s removed me off all social media. Removed all pictures of me.. I’m heart broken. I didn’t choose to have mental health issues. I had a terrible childhood and would worry he would leave me. I gave him a hard time and put so much pressure on him. I love him more than anything. I’m scared I’ve lost him for good. Any advice would be helpful please. When we have spoken over Facebook messenger – the occasional message he replied to.. he was nasty. Now he just doesn’t reply anymore. It’s been two weeks! What do I do please help. I’m going through a lot of sad emotions and struggling really badly!
Hi, T.
When you were struggling with emotions, so was your boyfriend. He was doing his best to stand by your side for as long as he could. One day, he reached a tipping point and discerned he can’t do it anymore.
Now that things are as they are, I strongly suggest you first get the help you need to be happy with yourself. Therapy is a great way to start.
And only once you’ve resolved your childhood issues, feel free to get involved with another person.
As for your ex, there’s nothing anyone can do to change his mind. You have to leave him alone and let him come to you if he ever wants to.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey T… I read your message and had to reply..
its so scary because i went through the exact same thing… even my mental health.. i did the exact same thing to my other half and he eventually left… this happened to me 3 weeks ago. i even contacted him on multiple occasions and got harsh replies…
like im in shock right now after reading your response… all i can say is same.. it hurts alot .. but you are not alone..
Kind Regard
Despite what your partner may say, the fact that they are thinking of leaving you is not all your fault! I am sure you have some relationship patterns to change — we all do — but the fact that they are considering giving up on the relationship is not (and I repeat not) all about you.
Your partner may have issues with some of the things you do, but a healthy and committed partner tells you about them respectfully, remains open to working on them and decides which issues are essential to change and which ones they can live with and accept.
Do look at your part in the relationship struggles. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It simply means you are a teachable person who is willing to grow and change. Over time you will find out if your partner is willing to grow and change as well.
Hi! My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years and we were so perfect together. He is absolutely my best friend however starting in December I was going through a hard time and he started to do stupid things that I blew out of proportion. We got into a lot of fights and he said that he felt like he could never talk to me about his feelings because I was so focused on what I was feeling. One night I got so mad at him that I actually broke up with him even though it was purely out of rage I did not actually want to end the relationship at all but he ended up never fighting for me because he was done. I begged for him back and he didn’t care and said he was done. A week later we talked and it was a good talk. I even wrote him like 20 pages of an apology and what I know I did wrong and what I did to change it. I did the 30 day no contact rule and texted him after a month and he turned me down again and said that he needs to focus on himself. He used to tell me everyday how he wanted to marry me and he was actually obsessed with me which is why seeing this side of him hurts so much. He told my friends that maybe in the future we will get back together and he listens to his mom a lot who is a relationship therapist and she said that he should wait a year or two to get back with me. His mom also loves me and still comments on my pictures. We go to college together too and have all the same friends which is going to be even harder. He told me in the beginning that he was very emotionally numb and felt so confused with what he wanted to do. Do you think he will come back to me even though I reached out after a month and how long do you think it will take?
How did u got back with ur bf? Same as me 🙁 two years tgt… he say he don’t mind to be friend but not together.
So back in January me and my ex gf broke up during an argument. We just got back from two vacations, one in which we were looking to buy our further home in a new state closer to my family, and closer to hers as well. One day we were sitting watching tv and she told me she needed to talk, and said she wasn’t ready to move. Now I have somewhat of a temper issue that I try to keep in control, but I felt lied to and hence upset so my voice raised quiet a bit during the argument, so I did something I learned in counseling and took a timeout to cool down. I came back and continued the disagreement and she said I want you to be able to go but I don’t want you to leave. So feeling frustrated because choosing between family and her was difficult especially since moving was because my grandmother was sick and she needed to be helped and she was basically like my second mother since I had a single parent. But during the whole thing I calmed down grabbed ahold of her hands and said I want to stay with you and if you need more time or whatever I would give it to you because she was patient with me. Then I tried hugging her and kissing her letting her know everything would be ok and then she pushed me off of her and said she needed a minute and so I gave her a minute and tried talking to her again. She then yelled at me to get the f out of her face when I wasn’t even close and then she yelled I’m done with you and done with your family. I started to cry and told her she always gives up on me since this was the 3rd time she had said that to me during a breakup. She then told me if I decide to stay we are done. So I decided fine and told her I guess we are roommates now since we are broken up and then I decided to sleep on the couch. Then next day I thought we’d have a decent talk when we both calmed down but she told me that the relationship ran it’s course and we are done. Now after that I tried apologizing, promising things would get better, and explaining everything I’ve done wrong in the whole relationship and pleading and begging. Then after a couple weeks I was trying to leave but instead she left the apartment first and left me our cat. She then was supposed to pick up the cat after two weeks but instead just kept coming by for a quick visit with the cat. I told her she needed to take the cat because every time she came around it hurt not being able to hold her or for us to reconcile even after proposed like I was going to on our anniversary. She didn’t take the cat and led to another argument where she said her feelings toward me have changed but I don’t buy that because she slept with me and was telling me things she told no one else. It’s only been two months no contact because I kept texting her and she finally blocked me which made it easier. But I don’t know what to do we are each other’s first loves and first ltr. We’ve been through so much I don’t want to lose her because of a stupid argument where we both acted emotionally towards each other.
Hi Zan,
I usually don’t write or comment on my situation, but I noticed that you take your time to reply to others’ post. I appreciate that. I’ll go ahead and give it a shot.
I was dating a girl for 6 months. We weren’t “official” yet but were making progress. Overall, we had a great relationship and were always there for each other. Long story short, initially, she broke it off with me because she thought that we had different goals in life and different views in relationships. It really threw me off because we had discussed many times about our goals and ambitions together, and she was always supportive. I responded to her saying how I strongly disagreed with everything she said. I understand that I cannot change her mind, so I did not push her a lot. Finally, her last message was her demanding that she needs time and space for us to move on and that she needs to grow as a person in terms of handling relationships. I gracefully accepted her final decision and thanked her for the good memories. I also threw in to let me know if she ever changes her mind in the future. I started No Contact.
The breakup didn’t end in bad terms, but I found out that she blocked me from Instagram a week later. I didn’t even reach out to her. I guess I could assume that blocking me is her way to get over me easier by now lurking on my social media. I’ve been in No Contact for almost 3 weeks now. It’s painful to watch someone go in the flick of a switch. I treated this girl really good.
Reading about these dumper stages gives me a sense of relief and a little bit of hope in the future. She always told me that she’s never felt so strongly for anyone before but me. It feels like it’s all just a lie. I’m not sure if she’s genuinely confused with herself, but I’m doing my best to understand her perspective.
Am I doing the right thing by just completely walking away?
“The Envelope Please…..and The Winner Is For The Best Stand Up Guy Role Is….(crumpling paper in background)….KENNETH!!” Believe me,You did the best thing possible by far.I am in my sixties,and just
finished FIVE months of straight up No Contact with a woman I’ve known for Twenty Five plus years as
a good friend.Well,feelings changed,she changed,and I pulled the plug ahead of her before she had the
opportunity to have her little ‘goodbye for right now’ speech.I just want you to know that no matter the age it is a terrible set of emotions for anyone to go through.Some have a Much worse time of it than others.Myself included on that observation.The fact that you had a forgiving outlook and did your best to
accept the deal makes you wealthier than most.Consider getting back to You and Your Deal in Life.As the weeks go by it will strangely start feeling easier and easier,as you hang out with your friends and
family.Don’t ever feel that’s imposing on others-remember they are there just as you would be.Therein
lies the measure,as it’s said.I went into similar analysis of my situation,and concluded only recently that
the no contact was incredibly difficult to do….but separating oneself gave a whole new perspective.You’ll
potentially look down on the whole lot,as if it were a map to study…and you might see a pattern of things
emerge that you never wholly recognised.That is what occurred to me,and it may have been a blessing.
Keeping the door open for a woman in the future is not a bad, or weak thing to do…as long as You are
able to gain Strength and Perspective.Just be willing to cut anyone a little slack-but if a person cannot
meet in the Middle,then it can’t work,even between just friends.That’s Life I reckon.Best of Luck to You.