This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper ex is going through the elation stage of a breakup (whether your ex is a man or woman), there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself. Long-term relationship breakups cause dumpers to feel strong urges to self-prioritize and not care about the dumpee in the slightest.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior post-breakup breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret. Breadcrumbs from an ex indicate that the dumper has processed some negative emotions and feels ready to chat or get something from you.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on him/herself and things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey Zan.
I’d really appreciate your advise. My ex and I dated for 2 and a half years and during that time, he went through a lot financially and career wise. He lost his job and I was the one who was always there for him and helped out wherever I could. In September he broke up with me saying God doesn’t want us to be together and we’re meant to be apart. (Apparently prophets told him that). So I went into NC and eventually blocked him. 3 months later and it seems as though he is doing absolutely well and very happy. He told me to enjoy the rest of my life. He has been going out a lot and drinking and my friends told me that he went over to them and told them how he’s doing amazing, he’s life is going well and even said that he is not the type to reconcile.
I am so hurt because I’ve been literally going through the worst withdrawals when I only loved him, when I did everything for him, and now he’s happy. It seems as though he won’t come back or reach because of what he said to me. What’s your perspective on this?
Hi Phadi.
Religious differences or these callings are always difficult to deal with. Because it’s his belief that it must be so, there’s not a whole lot you can personally do to change his mind. He is so headstrong about this matter that only God himself could change his belief system. In cases like this, you can only “hope” he has an epiphany at some point and sees he has made a mistake (he has to truly believe so.) Even if he goes out, dates a girl, she breaks-up with him and he comes crying back to you it’s for the wrong reasons – to ease his anxiety. Again, he has to go from thinking you aren’t meant to be together to thinking you are meant to be together. Perhaps life and experience will teach him a good lesson.
He’s experiencing the relief syndrome at the moment, hence the sudden change in activity. He will eventually run out of gas, so don’t worry too much, or at all. It’s not your concern any more anyway! You were there for him when he needed you most and he took you for granted. If you feel like you overinvested in his life, and he didn’t give much back, you should work on that. I believe you are naturally a giving person, and that’s okay. Just try to invest more in yourself than your partner. It’s never too healthy to become overly obsessed with your partner, and this is your next step. Find out why you feel this way. Go back to your childhood as it normally stems from there. Get all the help you need in the meantime. Therapy is a great way to start, if you haven’t already. Lean on your friends and family for support as well, and it’s only a matter of time before you start feeling better.
I know you can do it!
Kind regards,
Zan
why does it feel as though the more time that passes after a breakup, the dumper is seriously moving on and not going through these stages. It’s been 3 months after a serious 3 year relationship and haven’t heard a peep. Should I be doing anything to maintain the chances, I.e reaching out every now and again to wish her well? I don’t want her to just close the book completely.
Can you please explain how the 3 month+ range stimulates stronger loss for the dumper than even let’s say a month or two after. I would think they would feel it by then and have second thoughts.
Hi Ryan. That’s a very a very good question. Allow me to elaborate.
When an ex breaks up with you, and wants out of the relationship, she feels the need to run. The more common emotions she is feeling are relief and anger (especially if you chase and try to change her mind). Dumpers have the victim’s mentality, hence why they point fingers at the dumpee, and will often do other destructive things towards them (insult, threaten, mock, bicker, gossip, prank, ridicule, degrade). Because they were the ones to pull the plug, they think it’s all the dumpee’s fault the break-up occurred. Combine your ex’s rational thinking with the need to escape the relationship, and you’ve got yourself an avoidant, stubborn, self-righteous ex.
These emotions your ex feels, need space away from you to process. The more time goes on, the better she will feel. Anger and resentment will subside, followed by emotions of nostalgia. If nostalgia is delayed, it could be because she’s dating someone else. Then comes comparison between before, now/new partner, and then she either becomes indifferent, or gets her heart broken by someone else. Sometimes your ex dealing with personal issues alone could suffice for her to reach out. 3 months is nothing. From my observations, 6 months of NC is the minimum it usually takes for an ex to reach out. The times when exes reach out before half a year are normally rebounds, flings, GIGS and things like that.
To reiterate, your ex wants nothing to do with you when she breaks up with you. She probably doesn’t care the slightest about you and your feelings. If you’ve been listening to 30 day no contact guides to get your ex back, I must break it to you that it doesn’t work. Your ex is far from missing you at this point, as she is still processing things at her regular speed..
To put it short, you don’t reach out, ever. You also don’t have anything to wish her. She wished you a happy life by kicking you to the curb. She decided to end the relationship which includes caring for you. You must do the same. Reaching out to her every few months is going to reinforce her belief that she doesn’t need you and that she can have you back at the snap of her fingers. You must make her anxious first by becoming a high value person.
Zan
Thank you for the well articulated response.
My follow-up question is regarding the ex once she has let the negative feelings process. What makes an ex realize she wants to try again with a person it didnt work with and her family/friends wanted her to ‘live life and experience others’ instead of simply chalking it up as done and moving on to another new experience? Are exes drawn back to familiarity? The relationship was not perfect, but she was truly in love with me and I was with her.
I guess to simplify I’m curious as to how once an ex lets go of the negative, she wants to re-explore what she already had for 3 years. The simple answer i would think is ‘realizing the worth of the relationship’ however if we had tough times and she was reinforced by friends and family that she gave it all she could and thats why it ended… I’m just wondering how someone can decide to pick it back up again.
Hi Ryan.
You’re right about exes coming back for familiarity. Basically, when their ego drops and they crave for validation, they ring up their ex partners first to uplift their spirits. It’s an egoistic, self-centred deed which means they come back for themselves to take, instead of give.
They do move on to new experiences very often, and when they fail miserably, guess who they come crying back to. The fastest way for her to come back is for her to go through mental agony. Don’t worry too much about her deciding to pick-up the relationship again. You must let it flow naturally once it gets to that stage. When that happens, the relationship starts again and builds back up.
Try to focus on NC for now, and not worrying about any of that. It’s too soon to plan ahead. The less planning the better to be honest.
Zan
Thank you Zan.
My ex appears to now be talking to someone else or at least she posted a facebook photo with another guy (along with a few other photos with friends) to her album. I slightly know the guy and they’re from the same hometown, and appear to both have a lot in common. I dont know if this is my brain just making it out to be more than it is or if after 2-3 months of the breakup she is going to get serious with him. It’s hard to maintain value when she is killing it in all aspects of life right now and has so many good things coming to her. I’m afraid since they have things in common she will easily just replace me and be content.
Not sure if this is a rebound or not, or nothing at all. Nonetheless it is confusing how someone you were with on/off for 3 years can just drop everything at a dime and pivot so quickly. It is hard to know if it is real or not.
Hi Ryan.
When your partner is no longer interested in you romantically, she can drop everything in a second and run for the mountains. Because exes feel strong emotions of guilt, anger and such, they often become ice-cold. Knowing this, you must let her be to process things slowly at her own pace.
Don’t read into what she is doing or who she is seeing. You are in a vulnerable stage and could easily make it look bigger than it actually is. You know that at some point she is going to start dating, so you have no choice but to let her go. If she decides to date him and he hurts her severely, your value will rise to the sky.
Zan
Zan,
I also wanted to mention, the other day after nearly 3 months of NC I received a call from my ex while I was driving home from work. I let it ring all the way through and to voicemail. When I got home I returned the call an hour later, and after one ring she ignored it and sent it straight to voicemail. She then texted me saying hey sorry I accidentally called you earlier. I did not respond.
I just think it’s ironic because it didn’t leave a voicemail and the call rang all the way through. It was oddly timed right after I got off work and before she was supposed to leave for vacation for 2 weeks.
Do you think this is something to read into? We haven’t spoken in months so the odds my name was even relevant in her contacts is slim. She clearly is still upset because she wouldn’t even answer my return call to tell me it was an accident.
Confused by the whole situation.
Hi Ryan.
I don’t think her calling you was a butt-dial. She was probably in a bad state of mind when she called and wanted some sort of comfort.
If she wants to call you, she will do so in the future. Right now you could text her back, since she did it first, but I suggest you hold on to power as she isn’t ready yet. Let’s assume it was “just a mistake.”
Zan
Thanks for the reply.
I believe the hardest part right now is that she is doing so amazing without me in her life. She is accomplishing anything she wants and I didn’t leave a void of any sort when she chose to move on. I am by no means an underachiever myself, however she has validation from friends, family, other guys – she has everything she could want to move on and be happy.
She was ‘confused’ and sad at the time of the breakup but now is stone cold and angry/avoidant like you suggested. Its like shes trained herself to forget me and told herself that she wasn’t actually in love with me and didn’t know what love really even was. I was her first guy so she probably thinks she was just attached to me and not in love.
It’s hard to visualize her hitting a rough patch and wanting to come back – even if I have made great improvements which ive been working on. If she can change that quickly and cut me off and convince herself what we had was a product of her inexperience, then she will have to keep dating multiple people to find that out it feels like. I just don’t want to believe it takes her dating others and having another relationship to realize what shes lost. Can she not just compare it to being single?
Hi again Ryan.
We all take each other for granted on a daily basis, and that’s what relationships often become.
Sure she can compare her positives and negatives to the single life, but she doesn’t want to remain single. A lot of people think they have to find the right person, instead of working on themselves to become a better lover. Your ex is no different.
She has to think others are better, and when they fail, hurt or disappoint her, she is going to think back when she felt secure, loved and happy. You don’t really appreciate what you have, until you lose it. Or even better, until something worse comes along — and this is what you’re hoping for.
Just how you’re hurt right now, she can also experience sorrow. Whether it’s through heartbreak or some other misfortune, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that she suffers to a similar extent you do, and look for a quick fix (which could be you).
Zan
Thank you Zan, this has been extremely helpful.
I’ve been in no contact 3 months now since our BU. I fear that if i keep going longer and longer it will keep fading. I know you say to keep indefinite no contact, but it’s tough because even other sources say you have nothing to lose once you hit 2-3 months. I don’t know if this exercise is futile or not. I know NC is for myself, but I still want to have my gameplan together and commit to it.
Conclusion: The more time of NC it exponentially gets harder and harder on ex? Or does it plateau at a certain point.
Hey Ryan.
As you said, NC is vital to you and your ex. You hit two birds with one stone – you give your ex what she wants while allowing yourself to heal. You must be strong in order for this to work. Hoping and wishing her back won’t end well. Detach and figure out if you really want her back when you feel indifferent towards her. This should be your next goal – to move on.
You have nothing to fear. The worst has happened already. On the positive side, it can only get better. By allowing her to roam free, you will develop incredible self-control and resistance. Especially if she dates. The more negativity you process, the stronger you will become. I know it sounds masochistic, but it’s the true. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger definitely applies her.
The fact that she pulled the trigger, in almost all cases means she had already detached to a certain degree. You poking her every few months is just going to give her an ego boost. Remember this next sentence. Exes come back when they are sad, not happy about their lives. So when you knock on her doors and she is not in the state you want her to be in, you lose the remaining dignity, as well as respect in her eyes. You must wait for her to CONTACT YOU FIRST. That’s the only surefire way to be certain she’s in a receptive state. If you think you are going to stay on her mind when she is out drinking and getting crazy every evening, you are mistaken.
I reiterate. Let her dance until she falls. When she is on the ground, she will reach out. Until then, you are in competition with yourself.
Zan
Zan,
And you are suggesting that MOST everyone does in fact “fall?” She seems purely happy and I’m seeing no signs of her being the kind of person to ever be unhappy and sad with her life. She has all she could want.
From your experience you have seen most everyone experience a falling out after months and months of happiness, popularity, new experiences, and good friends and family supporting them? Seems so hard to imagine.
Hi Ryan.
What makes you think you are weaker than your ex? Just how you can get your ego/heart broken, so can your ex.
That’s exactly what I’m suggesting Ryan. You see that depression and anxiety are no joking matter in this world. It affects a great percentage of people every year (look up the statistics.) Realistically speaking, it’s only a matter of time before she hits a snag, no matter the support she is getting. Once a person hits the absolute low bottom, that usual support and friendship will no longer suffice.
It’s as if your friends and family could alleviate all the break-up pain at once. I’m sure they do a good temporary job, just not permanent.
Watching her every move is hindering your recovery. Disconnect from her social media and focus on your own health. You don’t want to know how she’s doing.
Zan
Hello,
What do you make of a situation where the dumper is still viewing the breakup as fresh and ignoring the dumpee out in public 2 months after the BU with NC? I.e dumpee will be at a bar and she will see me there and feel the need to say hi to our mutual friends really quickly and change locations. We’ve seen each other about ~4-5 times since BU but have not exchanged any words. BU did not end on bad terms, just me trying to fight for the relationship and I was in denial a bit.
We dated ~2.5 years and she had extremely strong feelings, however I was the only guy she had ever been with and she kept saying she needed to enjoy her senior year of college and see what else is out there. We had fighting in our relationship but always worked through things – we just needed to work on our communication. She used this as a major part of her reasoning at the end to move forward saying a relationship shouldnt be this hard to maintain and she was going to have doubts if she stayed. Since the BU she has gone out a lot more, changed up her friend group (although she still is nice to our mutual friends she just doesnt spend time hanging out as much anymore) and genuinely seems happier in every sense of the word. It really doesn’t look like shes looking back.
Many people I speak to seem to think she will realize her love for me and she just needs to go through this, but it just feels like if after 2 months shes still on this path, she may not want me. It’s also worth noting she is not with anyone else right now.
Any insights are welcome.
Chase
Hi Chase.
This is what they feel after the break-up. They feel the need to run far away as quickly as possible. Even though you’re in NC, she still feels guilty, mad, hurt, avoidant and detached.
She’s experiencing relief. Dumpers always do a lot of things, usually new ones very quickly after the BU. This is very common behaviour. If you check the “5 stages of a break up for the dumper” post or video, you will see it’s normal. She is focusing on moving on of course, and you can’t interrupt that pattern.
The fact that she said she wants to see what else is out there means she doesn’t appreciate you one bit. You’re better of with someone who doesn’t take you for granted, and who doesn’t have to go through 15 guys to know you’re the best for her.
Zan
Thank you for your response.
I dont feel as though she doesn’t deserve too see what else it out there. We were fighting more and more towards the end of the relationship, but I feel it was a product of my insecurities showing when I realized she was slipping away and starting to change.
She has not been with anyone else so she wanted to see what there was. If at 2 months she clearly still has feelings for me buried but still isnt ready to talk, do you think more time will help ease her mind and show her what she needs to realize our relationships worth?
Essentially I made mistakes prior in the relationship and am definitely at fault for the BU. I don’t blame her for wanting to see what else there was, but my hope is that more time will allow her to pass through relief. Is it normal for the Relief stage to last 2-3+ months? I’m amazed at her willpower not to contact me and act as complete strangers. She said too much has built up over the years.
She has every right to see what is out there of course. Just not when she’s officially in a relationship with you. Your insecurities probably pushed her away. Even if that may be true, I’m sure she contributed to your actions somehow.
2 months is nothing. It’s not nearly enough time for her to go through all stages. If you read other people’s comments on the internet, you will notice all dumpers have incredible “willpower.” To be honest it’s not that. For her it’s pretty different than it is for you. She feels the need to stay away. At least during the first few stages of a break-up. Relief stage normally lasts up to two months. It could go up to three, if she’s really on cloud 9.
Her experiencing life without you and/or with other people will help her realize your worth. Unfortunately it’s just the way it is, so you must be willing to let her go completely. When she contacts you, you must be rid of all insecurities. I suggest you get to work if you haven’t already.
Zan
Does this apply to male dumpees as well? I see a lot of “he” language. Please be honest.
Hi Jake.
These 5 stages apply to all genders. Human brain works the same for all of us. You must however give her the space and time.
Zan
Hello All,
I have a bit of a story so please bear with me and apologies if it becomes a very long post. To begin, it is about a recent relationship breakup that I have gone through and I guess I am healing very slowly, discovering attachment style theories has really helped with that recently and has definitely given me the biggest source of closure so far. I guess why I am here is because I am very analytical, I tend to overanalyse and have been analysing the end of this relationship pretty much everyday since it ended. I guess I am still looking for support and answers on it all so I can move on.
As a result of the breakup back in July I realised it was taking far longer than it should to get over it ending so I recently decided to seek therapy. This has been very helpful and in my latest session the therapist bought up attachment styles – it was fairly clear that I have an anxious attachment style and I am pretty sure that my ex is an avoidant. Further internet searches have really made everything make so much sense with both our behaviours and the way it ended – it also bought me to this forum.
So the story is that back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I’m 38 by the way. I was seeing her quite intensely… I don’t really know how to describe the relationship as we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She’s 45, three kids and just divorced although she was still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, had separate rooms and the house was up for sale although took forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
From January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. She was incredibly needy at this stage, would message me a lot, want to meet up and always do coupley things together – thinking back she basically lovebombed me too showering me with a lot of love, attention and affection so I felt like her one. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone else. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn’t do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn’t care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.
She didn’t reply to my message and the next day I asked her to please reply so I would know what her thoughts were, she didn’t address anything in the message I sent and just messaged almost as normal. We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.
I had also noticed that she wasn’t messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I’d message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn’t be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn’t saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I’m assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines. I called her up on it and she said it wasn’t anything and then showed me her text messages saying no guys ever message her – I knew full well that it was all done on Whatsapp.
This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long winded message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn’t seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she’s always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn’t really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn’t really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn’t see me. Every time I tried to talk to her about what was going on with us and with her messaging others she would take the flight approach and suggest we take a break.
We met up for a drink the night before she ended things and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.
And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since – 4 months no contact now. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that.
Having had a lot of time to think about everything and following the therapy session/internet searches on attachment style I now think that it was definitely a Anxious-Avoidant relationship which is why it did become so toxic but obviously I am still searching for a few more answers (I know I probably won’t ever know) that might help with my healing.
Some background on her is that before her ex-husband she had never really been in a long term relationship before (she stayed married for 10 years, mostly unhappily), her father left her and her mother when she was 12 for another woman and had another family, she never had any friends during her childhood (was also bullied) and only really started to make friends from the age of 18 onwards when she went to university, she was very promiscuous during her youth (she told me she basically slept with the entire football team at uni, former bosses, etc) and she only married her husband and did the whole kids/family thing because she felt that was what was expected when she got into her 30s due to society being that way and all her friends were doing the same thing. I found out the name of one of the guys she was texting quite substantially – he is the exact opposite of me; massive burly alpha male type, lots of tattoos, 3 kids by 3 different women and extremely racist/bigoted in what he posts on social media. I kind of think she entertained him because she knows nothing could ever get serious with a guy like that.
I guess the insight I am looking for is along the lines of the following:
She told me that her marriage became loveless and sexless, she essentially stayed in it longer than she would have liked for the kids but she couldn’t do this any longer. I wonder now if the marriage was a case of two avoidants coming together? They are both very independent and successful but one thing that struck me was how the ex-husband didn’t fight for the relationship either and seemed quite happy to allow her to go off and live her own life despite living under the same roof.
Obviously she was in some kind of rebound mode from the divorce and had a lot of emotional baggage. Can those with avoidant attachment style still go through that and need that rebound? She definitely lovebombed me in those first 4 months – I’ve never experienced anything like that, so much intimacy it was untrue and she longed for me to just hold her at times. Can those with an attachment style still go through that honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship and not feel like detaching? The fact I have an insecure attachment style probably drew me to her because I was able to give her the intimacy and emotional support she might have needed at a time like that. Is there a possibility that she could have even swayed over to an anxious attachment type herself in those first few months as she was quite clingy herself. It was only after 4-5 months that her personality seemed to change to a more avoidant/flighty type and I wonder if she reverted to normal.
This question is like flipping a coin and no one can really answer but is there any chance she might reach out? My perception of why she ended the relationship was a combination of many factors – I think she was scared off by how serious I was getting – we were planning a holiday at the time but she became distant or didn’t respond whenever I bought it up. She was still going through something from the divorce or perhaps even some form of mid-life crisis, she was very insecure about getting older – one of the things she mentioned to me the night before ending was that she felt she didn’t have much time to find the kind who she was looking for in terms of losing her looks. She was also enjoying the attention she was getting from other guys on nights out and whatsapp; I actually think another reason she ended it was because she may have met someone she wanted to explore it further with and he was one of the guys she was messaging. However one thing that makes me think she might reach out is that I felt she did love me; some of the things she said to me even in the week before she ended it included how I mean the world to her, how she had never connected, got on and laughed with someone as much as me, how she’d never been in a relationship with someone before who she considered her best friend, how she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her and how I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever experienced. She often told me she felt she couldn’t get into anything serious whilst still living with her ex-husband (the house recently sold).
Anyway these are the main things I think I am seeking answers to, I honestly can’t believe how much progress I have made in the last couple of days from just discovering attachment theory and being able to take some closure from it, it was honestly like a eureka moment in therapy and I have been feeling almost euphoric ever since as I have been analysing everything I did feeling it was my fault. My last question probably shows that I still have some way to go though as that hope she might come back is still there but it is fading and I finally feel I am approaching the acceptance stage it really is over – I now kind of just feel sad that I lost someone who I did consider my best friend but I will be able to deal with that in time.
Again, I apologise for such a long post but want to thank anyone for taking the time to read it and offer any insight.
Rich.
Hi Rich.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s great to hear you’re taking this time apart to analyze your situation. Here is my interpretation of your events.
This person seemed very needy at first because she really wanted to feel loved. It’s probably been a while, since she’s seen other people, or they have have all let her down recently. This describes her need to bond and attach. Her wanting you to meet someone else is a typical excuse which means, “I don’t want you. I have something/someone better for me.” She tried to soften the blow by avoiding all contact with you. When she agreed to go to the cinema with you, something went horribly wrong in her new relationship. The guy most probably broke it off with her, so she decided to give you another chance.
Once she made it to your place, she was again distracted by this person who began giving her more attention. Since her heart was either broken or damaged by him, she really wanted to work things out with him. This explains her attention being elsewhere when she was sitting on the sofa (most probably because of this person).
I wouldn’t necessarily blame the failure of her ex husband’s and her relationship on the attachment style. I believe they ran out of attraction a long time ago, and as she said, they both forced themselves to stay for the sake of the children. Her ex husband didn’t fight for her because he didn’t think she was worth fighting for. He also wasn’t very happy. Perhaps he was seeing other women. As husband and wife, they simply didn’t have much in common.
Regarding your love-bombing concern. It’s a pretty sufficient way to get what you want. When one is hurt, and love-bombs you, he or she expects the same or some sort of comfort in return. Whether it was her ego, self-esteem or general happiness she wanted to increase, she was doing it for herself.
You seem very concerned about attachment styles. It’s incredibly hard to change that without actually wanting to. Once you’ve grown up and developed a certain attachment style, it takes conscious effort to shift it into a secure one. To reiterate, she had always been either avoidant or secure, and lovebombed you because she felt hurt in the moment. For those four months, she felt incredibly weak and vulnerable, so she got involved with you. You were able to provide her with those basic human needs, so in a way, she took your efforts for granted.
She’s most likely going to reach out again when she dates the wrong person, and ends up getting hurt in return. When that happens, she will remember the person who provided comfort and security to her.
It’s difficult for you because she is looking someone she can’t find. Perhaps her divorce has sent her on a mission to look for the one and only for the rest of her life.
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks so much for the reply. I did actually suspect the person that she met in that three week break we had in May was still in touch with her when we got back together second time around. I actually now think they were talking towards the end of April which was what led to her asking for the break in the first place as it was her idea – either that or she got back in touch with him immediately after we decided to take that break. I also think she has been involved with him before as she did say that she was with someone very briefly between separating from her husband and meeting me. She told me it was someone she couldn’t take seriously as he was the type of guy who had 3 kids by 3 different women.
When I did ask her about the guy she had been seeing in those three weeks she completely shut me off and said she didn’t want to talk about it and the only insight I got as to why she called it off with him was ‘because he was too ocd’ with her. One thing I do remember during June was that she had her whatsapp blue ticks read receipts turned off and on a fair but so I guess he perhaps might have been the controlling type who would be asking about it constantly. Who knows though.
Despite me calling her up on it when we were seeing each other again in June and July she obviously couldn’t stop messaging though and was enjoying the attention.
However during this period I don’t think he was the only guy she was chatting to. I do think she was going out with her friends on nights out and getting random numbers from guys to explore what else was out there. As I said, I think she may have broken it off with me to explore it further with one of them or perhaps did get back together with this guy. She always maintained she couldn’t get into anything serious whilst living under the same roof as her ex-husband so perhaps was just loving the attention from various guys and perhaps even having casual relationships with them. Could that change over the next few months now that she has sold the house and will be moving into her own place and would this in anyway act as a trigger for her to look for something more stable?
I do have a feeling she will get back in touch as she hasn’t blocked me although she may well be keeping me as a backup option. Wouldn’t it be awkward to do that as it’s been 4 months and may be even longer by the time she does? She is also very strong willed, thinks of herself as extremely independent and might think it is for the best to just let me go. Another thing is that she is very attractive so surely she’d have a string of men she could reach out to before me who wouldn’t have the history we did? If she is involved in a casual relationship I don’t think she’d allow herself to get attached to someone so I’m guessing that for it to end badly it would take for a guy to break it off with her because he wants more than she can offer?
I honestly can’t say what I’d do if she did reach out. I mean I still want her to just because I feel like the relationship meant nothing so almost feel I need some sort of validation that I did mean something to her. I think for me to agree to talk to her she would have to recognise that she didn’t treat me well and apologise – do you think that is even possible and she does feel some sort of regret/guilt for it all?
Sorry for all the questions, you just offer some great insight 🙂
Rich.
Hey Rich.
I’ll jump straight to your question regarding her moving into her own place. I think that moving in on her own is going to liberate her further and free her from restraints. I Believe she might do the opposite of your desired expectation. She will finally have the freedom to do as she wishes, whether that is to live on her own or bring guys over. In my opinion, her having a flat could make her promiscuous life that much easier. Then again, she could just go to the guy’s apartment instead if she really wanted to.
She might look for something stable when the guys she seeks attention from don’t reach her expectations. Continuous failures of her short-term relationships might shift her focus to something more permanent and secure. This will happen when the time is right. Currently she wants to explore other options, so you must respect her decision.
As you say, you are a back-up option. As long as she thinks that way, your chances will be significantly lower. You must begin to move on, and even start dating others, for her to drop her guard.
Other guys might also try to push her into committment. I’m suspecting the same thing is going to happen to them. The best and the strongest is going to prevail in the end. That can be you if you pull off the no contact successfully.
Dumpers feel a lot of guilt. For her to regret it, you must be doing super well and find happiness on your own. Not only that. She must also start feeling miserably about certain predicaments in her life. Basically, she has to run out of luck for her ego to drop below the surface.
Zan
Thanks again Zan. All makes a lot of sense and particularly when she gets her own place although this will be the place her children will be living too and she is very protective over them so I can’t imagine she will be inviting too many guys back.
She is obviously very insecure and kind of all over the place from what I know of her – one minute telling me how needy she is, the next how independent. Thinking I’m her ‘one’ one day and the next wanting to be with a racist alpha male type. She seemed to at the time of the breakup be loving the attention from multiple men and not even caring where the attention was coming from. Perhaps she is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts? She was always very conscious about getting older – one of the reasons she broke it off for me was that she said she didn’t feel she had much time to find and attract the type of guy she wants because she was worried about her looks fading being on the wrong side of 45.
I can’t imagine the guys she is meeting that are happy to have and want casual relationships will cut it for anything long term as usually those types of guys don’t really have much to offer anyone in the grand scheme of things and like you said if anyone gets to the point of wanting commitment she might feel trapped and run off again like she did with me.
I have been moving on – the therapy is helping massively and I no longer think about her in that all consuming way I have been for the last few months, have dated a few girls recently and generally just taking life as it comes at the moment. I’m definitely feeling in a much better place and feelings of happiness, content and that type of thing are coming back. I know that she is also capable to empathy and not feeling great about the way she treated others so I am in little doubt that she feels guilt over how she treated me and ended it….. one of my friends even thinks the reason she hasn’t attempted to reach out is that she is probably hurt herself about the way she hurt me (although I am still not sure myself about this if she did leave me for someone else). The thing is we aren’t Facebook friends, don’t run in the same circles so wouldn’t run into each other so there is literally no way that she would ever know how well I am doing. The fact it has been almost 5 months of complete no contact is testament to that.
Hi Zan,
Small update, curiosity got the better of me last week and I looked at her Facebook page. There was a photo of her with another guy and they are clearly a couple. She was in the Caribbean obviously on holiday with him and her kids.
I now think that this guy was in her life back in the final month before she ended things with me and that there might have been a crossover as I don’t think she would have gone on holiday with him and her kids as she only broke up with me 5 months so I expect he has been around for a while for her to do that.
I also think he is quite wealthy and that may have motivated her more to move the relationship on quickly. Her ex-husband did very well financially so she and her kids never wanted for anything, she has obviously factored this into her motivations as she probably realised I would not have been able to afford the lifestyle she was used to.
I guess I’m just wondering if women do let their heads overrule their heart when it comes to this kind of thing especially where children are involved? I mean if you take my word that she did feel strong feelings for me and that what feelings she did show me were real, is she able to cast her feelings for me to one side in order to satisfy the superficial needs for what she believes will be a better life for her and her kids?
Hi Rich.
Superficial values are in a way an attractive trait, because of the security and the general well-being/value they provide.
If she broke up with you only because of wealthiness, then you might want to reconsider the potential to be with this woman.
Depending on her motive for leaving (arguments, lack of attraction, another guy…) you should be able to find out whether money is all she is interested in. It won’t make her internally happy, if that’s what you’re wondering. It’s really up to her and what she believes in the most. If pretty purses and diamond rings is what she’s all about, then that’s what she’s choosing to prioritize in her life. It’s a rational and emotional decision that overcomes all reasoning.
You need to stay in NC until she has an epiphany. There is no way to change her belief directly, so put your faith in life to take care of that.
Zan
Thanks for taking the time to reply Zan and hope you had a nice Christmas!
I may never know if it was the wealth side of thing as to why she broke up with me but I am certain she loved me and I provided her something in terms of emotional support and love that she had never experienced before, she told me that a few times. Of course it could have just been words and her actions towards the end certainly didn’t match that. I do remember her final messages when she did end it with me by text included the words ‘it’s not enough’ and perhaps she was referring to the lifestyle she had become accustomed to with her ex-husband. Perhaps she realised that kind of lifestyle for her children especially would be hard to give up.
Money is definitely not all she is interested in though, I don’t think she would have left her ex-husband if that were the case as she and her kids essentially went without nothing and lavish holidays/trips abroad were the norm with him. She told me though that she left him because the marriage did become loveless and sexless so she obviously wanted the emotional side of things from someone.
Perhaps this new guy is perfect and is not only wealthy but able to provide emotional support and love? I do wonder though if she has fallen into the same trap that she had with her husband of being with someone for superficial reasons and once the honeymoon period ends he will kind of be the same as her ex-husband – I often find those with wealth are career driven and so neglect their relationships. I mean there must also be a reason why he is single too.
I know it’s now none of my business but I can’t help but think about the new guy, I think he was probably the guy she was seeing back in May during our break when we got back together – from when I originally posted my story. She didn’t fully break up with him or he came back. I can’t imagine she would be introducing her children or going on holiday with someone who she hadn’t known for a few months but I guess everyone is different.
One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I’m assuming she wouldn’t even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?
Sorry for the over analysing. I know I’m just ruminating, I think it’s part of my healing.
Hi again!
Even though you seek closure and answers from this person, it won’t help you one iota. Knowing the reasons behind the break-up when you were left dry is not beneficial to your recovery. If it were your bad behaviour, anger, jealousy or something you could work harder on, then I understand how becoming aware of these negative traits could aid you. Since you were given the “it’s not enough excuse”, you know it’s best you pack your things and fly straight out of there. This is about self-respect, and if I were you, I’d rather leave than tolerate such disrespectful words, and fight for her love. In reality, she is the one not willing to do more for you, hence why she decided to leave.
Your premonition about career driven people is often correct. People tend to overprioritize, personal health, finances or relationships. Finding the right balance is nearly impossible anyway, so get that “perfect guy” out of your mind.
For your own health, avoid visiting nostalgic places. It’s only going to hinder your healing. Get rid of reminders, such as pictures and gifts as well. Put them in a box somewhere out of sight.
I’m sure the children feel confused as to why she is always with someone new. It seems as if she is looking for some sort of fairy tale perfection which she won’t ever find.
Constantly thinking about these things is a part of your healing for sure. Your brain seeks answers desperately in order to ease anxiety.
Zan
My ex gf and I known each other for 3 years+ been in very meaningful and special relationship 2+ long distance.she has fear of rejection,thinks she’s not good enough.
The situation: Back in late May – beginning of June we were together all good until a misunderstanding happened and didn’t talk for 4 days,she broke up with me “thinking she’s not gd enough for me” a few days later we encountered a guy online long distance too who’s been left by his ex for 8 months at the time.he said he has feelings for my ex after 10 days which is strange cause too early, he’s been mentioning his ex every now and then and even said “still trying to accept my losses” a month later which makes me think he most likely isn’t over his ex. she reassured me tho that she’s my girl no need to feel down,he needs support etc. (She seemed all interested in supporting him) the guy opened up to us actually about his break up too.
My ex and I been keeping contact ever since, playing together, talking etc 2 months later on August he couldn’t come online so we had some alone time and she opened up to me saying she misses me, loves me, future plans but she gotta make sure I won’t leave her because that’s her fear until she wants anything more.After he came bk some days later she said she’s confused by her own feelings and ever since we slowly drifted apart kinda I mean they talk, play mostly although we still hardly talk but that’s all atm. She been messaging me saying “I’m sorry I didn’t ask for this to happen nor he did (imo he’s been playing it all innocent all along and flirtatious while he told her he’d try staying friends as if he took advantage of her vulnerability) she’s also told me she felt something for him from day 1 which is strange again because too early after our misunderstanding and been together. She feels awful, it was unpredictable,she’s said to him she’s not gd for him either.”I haven’t decided to date him because I don’t want to hurt anyone”, “I cried many times about what this must be doing to you” Ever since September I’ve been keeping my distance, giving her space and I recently tried no contact and after 10 days she messaged me saying she doesn’t want us like that, she’d still like us to chat, she has feelings for him. she’s been initiating contact, talked about she’d hate to throw away 3 years and a lot of memories because of feelings she can’t control.ive been diving into no contact till now and only she initiating now. Recently she contacted me saying “hey how are you?” And another one wishing me happy Halloween.
We haven’t played together online for 2 months I think,they both just hanging out online gaming. On Snapchat she has those “hearts” all over her bitmoji just like him. What do you guys think? Isn’t it all too much too soon? idk what to do at this point and yes I’ve been trying to work on myself and pull myself together even to this day.
There are times when I question myself if I did the right move,we’ve been on and off again many times before but I always managed to get her back just by being there,I did try the same for the entre summer even tried reassuring her because the break up was something on her part and thats her low self esteem about herself, so I’m question if by being passive through no contact will work on my case especially now that there’s a 3rd one involved. Is she in a rebound situation?
Thanks in advance everyone 🙂
Hi. Thanks for the comment.
There’s no guarantee anything will work in life. No contact is still your best bet, as it shows her you respect her and yourself. The whole story doesn’t quite match with how people would normally act. A person with low self-esteem would usually cling onto other people of higher value (and in this case – people with more confidence). Even with the fear of rejection and the avoidant attachment style, her actions still don’t line up with what you are saying.
That said, she gave you the answer you are looking for. She is not ready to commit at this stage. Quoting your comment, “she gotta make sure I won’t leave her because that’s her fear until she wants anything more.” You either 1) pressured her into wanting more when you were together (althought I don’t know what that means, since you were together) or 2) She’s saying she doesn’t want more (anything at all) with you.
One who is happy in a relationship, doesn’t fear the other person will leave him or her because of low self-respect. That person will usually do even more, and make sure his SO has no reason to leave. That causes imbalance in a relationship, but that’s a topic to discuss another time, since it never happened to you.
Forget about the other guy. He is just as confused as your ex, because he’s been left by his girlfriend not too long ago. The feelings he most likely feels for your ex are lust, novelty and excitement. He does all of this to feel validated because of his recent heartbreak.
Realistically speaking, your ex is months away from being ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I’m not sure if she suffered some sort of shoch in her early childhood, such as abandonment. She clearly has trust and/or abandonment issues she has to work through. Those will take her quite a while, so the sooner she realizes this, the better for her.
I fear your ex may have emotionally detached a long time ago, during one of the break-ups, and tagged along for the sake of companionship. It can’t continue being an on and off relationship. It will not work with a four-day-break, as there is no time and space for personal growth. Real growth happens when you spend the time apart and reflect.
Her posting is no different from any other dumper. She’s acting a bit wild, so let it run its course. For your own sake, stop watching her status on social media/games, and pull that focus on yourself. I can’t say for sure if it’s a rebound. You have to stay NC and hope their relationship falls apart. If it does, chances are she will remember the times when you used to be there for her.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hey there! Thx for your reply. it’s the worst feeling ever and my anxiety skyrockets wondering what happened, thinking about her and how I never wanted anyone else to be with her ever. And that I always stayed there and we automatically always reconnected until this time we almost did.
I’ll be honest here, our relationship was something special that no one else ever gave to her.im certain I was her first serious long term relationship.ive done my part in the best possible way, ik I must improve on my honesty more and listening. She thinks I don’t care, I say things to “make her feel better”, that I don’t listen to her which these are not true.she says I deserve better and she “has nothing gd for me” which arent true (she hates herself)
By the way yes she suffered issues in her childhood and let downs from other guys which led her to believe she’s not good enough and because everyone else left her she believed I would too so all these on and off is basically her forcing us moving on to avoid the “heartache” (she always tried extreme ways to force me move on and she knows I’m kinda easy to get so I wouldn’t be surprised if she put on an act and I fell for it -maybe she doesn’t have feelings for him, patterns is key here) and what I believe happened here is that this guy has the same let’s say flaws that she has therefore “he would understand” and she fears that I’d leave her whereas she may think that he won’t instead. Maybe it’s that plus all the same qualities that I have are kinda similar to me. The only differences between him and I are he has built a muscled body and he’s showing it off on profile, he’s outgoing (fun fact: she always told me it’s better to be with someone who’s not outgoing like her yet she aimed for an outgoing?) Rebound sign maybe?
And posting? You mean all this acting is normal? personally, it all seemed too much too soon with him, all interested and “strong feelings” and I know for sure she got in a quick rushed relationship with all the same beliefs about herself so maybe it’s doomed already.
I just can’t keep thinking how she added “taken<3” on her new profile and the thought is killing me. Why would she hide her “relationship”? She still wants me around when it comes to texting and seemed to hang on to our memories yet this rushed decision? Finally do you think it’s a rebound even when she told me she misses me,loves me and after 2 months relationship?
I’ll keep you updated if anything happens 🙂
Hi again,
Don’t compare yourself to this guy, as you are going to suffer if you do. Even if he’s the opposite or the same as you, it doesn’t mean the relationship is going to be perfect. What she may be attracted to is his confidence, which he blatantly exhibits. It doesn’t matter what she told you about her preference in guys in the past, because people never pick that way. It’s just what she thought might attract her more at the time. Sometimes opposites attract to be the other person’s half. No girls ever think to themself “I want to get together with this prick.” It just happens when they think this person is good for them.
You’re right about being too easy for her. She will never respect what is given to her on a silver platter. She has to fight for it to appreciate it, and that’s why it’s so important to make the dumper work hard when getting back together, otherwise she will lose interest really quickly.
Her online posting is common dumper behaviour, so don’t look too much into that. Show her it doesn’t bother you. I actually think you should start dating again, and show her you aren’t sitting around for her.
This girl has too much early childhood baggage dragging behind her. She will attract that which she is afraid of the most. So when she asks a person, “you won’t leave me right?” many times, that is exactly what she is going to create. The law of attraction states that we attract what we focus on. So when you tell a person, “I’m not good enough” he will begin to believe so as well.
I don’t think you should be getting involved with her again, until she deals with her issues. She could do the same again, if you don’t make her sweat to get you back.
Zan
Hey Zan,
Its been really tough during no contact. For the first time its been 2 weeks without any of us texting. All I know is she’s busy being around this guy. I figured she has an anxious attachment style actually which may make sense why she attached quickly to this other person days after our break up. Its been a week + she has been hiding her new relationship from me on her new acc. I still wonder why ,what is her motive. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t wanna throw away our 3 years memories reveals probably that she still keeping the door open. I’m starting to believe they’re both rebounding in some form. This new guy was left by his ex 8 months at the time we met him, before that he actually told me he was after another girl he was helping her going though her breakup and how they’re feelings got touchy towards each other but told me they didn’t work out, then thats when he met us and claimed to have feelings for my ex after 10 days. What’s more to this he kept talking about his ex every here and there like “she used to this and that” , “she left me for another guy” , “I’m still trying to accept my losses”. He even private messaged me back then saying how ” you guys doing all this cute stuff and I truthfully miss relationship”. I also realised a certain pattern within my ex for example… After every on/off she kinda like “kept forcing us to move on” due to her insecurities, this time as well she kinda threw herself out there trying to make other friends online and hence encountered him.
What’s more interesting is even tho the break up happened in early June, in the main time they were playful towards each other, on August she opened up to me admitting “you know I’m tired of us being apart” , even after the break up she said she’s keeping herself for someone she loves (she meant me) so its like the break up was more of a separation.She has been hanging on to me for 3 months basically after this break up then 2 months later they secretly dating.
My question is…now that I know she’s been hanging on to me the entre time,could it be a rebound? She backed off abruptly and I left them alone ever since she told me she’s confused which was after opening up to me. (Back at beginning of September)
I’m terrified because she kept initiating contact with me claiming she would still like us to chat, but I backed off then. Did I screw up? I mean shouldn’t I have stayed? What if its my fault and because I kinda backed off then ,thats why she started dating? I’m scared I lost my opportunity and finally, I wonder if no contact would have an impact because 1) of her anxious attachment style 2) after this long 3) she seems “happy” I do know
Thank you for being here for everyone who goes through hard times. Keep it up Zan 🙂
Hi Someone.
She might be embarrassed by what she’s done, and what her friends will think of her. She could be leaving the doors open or not wanting to hurt you by bragging. This new guy is full of insecurities too. In case his ex comes back for round two, he will jump straight back into her arms. If that happens, your ex might want to mend her heart by welcoming you back. It’s just a possibility, so don’t count on it.
You’ve done the right thing by giving her as much space as she needs. That’s exactly what she wants so make sure she feels your absence. I don’t think it’s “just a break” as there is no such thing. It sounds too poetic, and it rarely happens. She probably has difficulties moving on, hence why she is reaching out. The best thing for you to do is to make her realize she’s no longer your #1 priority. Take your time to reply, and always put other things before her.
You didn’t screw up at all. As a matter of fact, you disallowed her to slowly detach by telling her you won’t wait around. Her dating is also her decision. You played no role in that. All dumpers seem happy, and many of them are. It’s only a matter of time before time catches up to them. Stay in no contact and preserve your self-worth. Regarding her liking your photo, don’t look much into it. It’s a neutral sign which means she doesn’t hate you. Nothing more, nothing less.
Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to her new guy. Don’t stalk or do anything crazy like in the movies. Trust me, if she decides to come back, it will not be dependent on whether you know anything about her. Your chances will be much higher when you aren’t freaking out about your ex and her new guy. In the meantime, do what you can to move on from the situation that is no longer of any use to you. It’s just a burden to be honest, so find things that will empower you instead. Things like making new friends, engaging in new activities and so on…
I’m here for you. 🙂
Zan
Just a correction, *she seems happy I dont know
By the way she liked my new post on Instagram from both of her accounts
Hey Zan thanks for your reply again, I’m staying in no contact as I dont think I can do anything atm besides I dont wanna come off as needy or desperate no matter how much it hurts. And about what you said “in case his ex come back”, he actually told us his ex messaged him while we were all texting and he was like ” my ex messaged me, I won’t reply for a while” or something along those lines. And by the way, should I worry because what if they kept a friendship for like 4+ months prior to them dating? Meaning could these be strong foundations? it seems my ex rushed into being so supportive to him and excited and stuff like that from day 1 so I’m not too sure whether its strong or just a coping mechanism of my ex’s part to “distract” herself from the beginning.Her sudden change in behavior after saying those I miss yous etc caught me off guard there as well when she said she’s confused. Think about it,
The entire 3 months she seemed to be interested in me still,opened up to me then backed off shutting me off, and suddenly being so into him? I left them alone then and within 2 months they dating. I find interesting how this guy has the fist initial of his ex on his profiles name still.
Hi Someone.
Staying in no contact is your best and only option. As you say, you don’t want to be seen as needy or desperate. That would only make her despise you, disrespect you further in return, and lower your chances of ever getting back together with her.
Them talking for months before dating could work as a basis for intimacy and chemistry to develop. Without these important foundations, the relationship would not work very well. It would be way too rushed. Just because they were friends before, doesn’t make them rock solid.
What I suspect happened to you, was that she used you to slowly detach from you by staying “friends”. Since she shut you off almost over night, it means she found something new to attach to (him). She kept stringing you along until she was sure she could date another person. When she was 100% sure that was the case, she cut you off, and put her attention on a new person. She leaped from you to him, and probably became cold and distant. Her interest in you lowered as the new person seemed more and more appealing.
The fact that this guy is still pining over his ex could mean big trouble for his current relationship with your ex. Your ex doesn’t like that, and the relationship cannot work as long as he is crying about his ex, or refuses to let her go. You know how crazy it sounds to be in a relationship with a person when you actually really want to be with someone else. I’m sure your ex is aware of that.
Zan
My ex fiancé ended the relationship about 3 weeks ago. Lately he hasn’t been home when I’m home he leaves for a few hours at night and if I’m not at the house he’s gone all night. He changed his number and then textd me the other day knowing I didn’t ask for it. He always asks me who I’m texting so clearly he’s jealous but I still don’t contact him I don’t text or call him..
Hi Bri
Stay in NC, an be kind and respectful when you do engage in conversation. Your goal is to try to get him to start talking about the relationship on his own. This will never happen as long as he feels trapped, hence why he is running away.
I suggest you give him the time to run out of steam, by staying out of his way. That means no confrontations, demands, crying or convincing.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hi , my ex boyfriend dumped me without any reason after 5 years happy relationship..
the only thing that i have in mind is maybe he dont want me because i was not virgin.. please I need your advice
Ps. Sorry for my english
Hi Lost.
Your boyfriend needs time to process things, just as you do. There’s nothing you can say and do at the moment to win his heart back. Whatever the reason for leaving you right now is, is irrelevant. Show him you can live without him by finding internal happiness. Althought it may feel like he was the main source of your happiness, he was not.
Become such an amazing person, he will regret leaving. If you remain in indefinite no-contact, he will reach out to you at some point in the future when his ego is hurting.
If it’s truly because you’re not a virgin, then perhaps you’re way better off without him.
Kind regards,
Zan
I never thought I would be one of those people to comment on a public forum about my relationship but your articles are so clear and well-written, I would love to get your objective insight.
My ex fiancé broke up with me about a month ago. A couple weeks before this, I could tell things were off when we would talk. He seemed distant or not as affectionate as he usually is. We were long distance for a lot of our relationship and I always felt like this would put a strain on us at times. It just felt like we were going through the motions and I remember feeling this distinct feeling, “Why are we even doing this anymore?”. I brought up my concerns with him and he said that he had some fears about the future that he needed to figure out. I assumed these “fears” were ones he had brought up before such as “we are too different in our communication styles”, “we were raised differently and are accustomed to different lifestyles (my family being financially more well off than his)”, “I can’t give you what you need”. I always did my best to reassure him that these were things that we could work through together and we were always able to talk through them. But when he brought them up this last time, I knew something was different.
He ended up driving out to meet me and this was the first time he said “I don’t think we should get married”. We talked about it more and it seemed so clear he was conflicted and confused about what to do. We agreed that he could take a couple days and to reach out to me once he had more time to think about things. I did not contact or engage with him for 5 days until he said he was ready to talk. He said he didn’t feel any better about the situation and didn’t know what to do. I tried to be patient and things continued like this for a couple more days. I then realized how sad this was making me so I called him and told him that we should not be getting married in 3 months if he was not feeling sure whether he wanted to marry me or not. I had no intentions of breaking up for good, but I just felt like we shouldn’t be planning on marriage until he was 100% committed. He then said he felt like we should break up for good. He couldn’t provide any reasoning besides “a gut feeling.” This all happened over the phone since we were long distance. I was very confused and caught off guard.
After this initial break-up, I failed and did not follow the no contact rule. I don’t think I ever came off super clingy or needy but I also lost some self-respect from myself and I’m sure him. There were some initial emails exchanged immediately after from both sides. He sent me an email explaining why he doesn’t know exactly why he is breaking up with me but that he just felt like he always had these fears but was just trying to power through them when he proposed. I responded saying that I felt like this was a timing thing and he needed to figure himself out a bit more and that maybe we could talk in a couple months. But then I found out I got a job in the city where he is living. I am taking it and moving there in the next couple weeks. He knows that I got the job but said he still doesn’t want to try dating even while we are living in the same city. This was also one of his fears that we had talked about before, about how he wanted to live in the same city before getting engaged but enough time went by that it didn’t feel worth it to keep waiting. I had been applying to jobs for almost a year in order for us to live close to one another and of course I got one literally 3 days after we broke up.
We have been in contact a couple times but it’s always because I’ve had a couple moments of weakness and reached out first. I see now how I was foolish to have been making any contact at all in the first place but I just felt so confused and was so sure that he didn’t actually want to break up forever. I sent him some casual texts about random things, trying to make it seem like I was doing just fine and everything was normal. He always responded kindly and would ask me questions too. I called him on two occasions, one time to check in and then the next week was because I totally broke down and cried, telling him how much I missed him and how badly I just wanted things to be normal and for us to be friends. We were able to talk like normal but at the end he said he still needed more time before he could be just friends. I very much see how pathetic and silly all of these efforts were but I guess the break-up just didn’t seem to real to me given the situation.
This last weekend, I went to the city where he lives and where I just got a job to look for housing and I called him and asked if we could meet up. We met up for lunch and everything felt really good and normal. We talked about our relationship, what we learned from it and the best parts about it. I was able to tell him about how I worry that his fears get in the way of him really getting what he wants in life to which he agreed to a certain extent. It felt like I was getting the real break-up rather than just being broken up with on a whim over the phone. We did end up kissing and expressing our love for one another. We agreed to meet up for my birthday at the beginning of November and that he would be the one to reach out to me. I feel like it was a pretty healthy breakup, despite it not being at all what I want. I still can’t help but feel like this had nothing to do with me and really just stems from his worries about the future. I have not reached out or said anything since this last Monday after our “actual break-up”, which is the longest we have gone without any contact at all whatsoever since the initial break-up.
I recognize now that I should have completely cut off all contact and not reached out to him at all whatsoever. I deeply regret it. All the relationship advice articles talk so much about how you shouldn’t contact them at all whatsoever after the breakup, but none of them say what to do if you have already been in contact with your ex. I know my ex very much wants to be friends and keep in touch but not right now. I know that I still hold out hope that he will come around and realize he’s made a huge mistake. I feel so strongly that it’s a timing thing or that he got cold feet and has some issues he needs to work through himself. I also recognize that I shouldn’t be with someone who lets his fears outweigh his feelings.
I know he won’t find anyone better for him. He always told me how I was his dream girl and I know that this has all been really hard for him. There is not a single doubt in my mind that he will start dating or move on to someone else anytime soon. His family loved me and several of them have reached out to me saying how sad they were about this. He said this is the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. I think he is subconsciously sabotaging himself because he is afraid of commitment or the responsibility that comes with marriage but I know those are just my suspicions and that I can’t really know the truth.
I guess I’m just wondering if I’ve ruined any chance of us getting back together by not following the “crucial” steps immediately after a break-up. I know that every relationship is different and that there is never a guarantee that an ex will come back. I also know that I should be taking time for myself and reevaluating what I want and need in a relationship and I really have been trying. I’m scared of meeting up with him in a month because I don’t want to accept that we are just friends or make him feel like I’m still available and have just been waiting around for him. I feel very aware of the things I should be doing to move on from this relationship but I can be honest and say I really don’t want to move on. I guess I also really just want to know what you think about people breaking up with someone out of their own insecurities. Would the dumper process be the same for the dumper who broke up with the dumpee for reasons he can’t explain?
Any honest thoughts or insights on my situation would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Kaila!
Thanks for the comment.
In relationships as well as in life, you attract that which you think and believe. This also works for what you fear the most. Unresolved concerns, create more concerns, leading to doubts. Once a person doubts something, he or she is already in the last stage before taking action to avoid more pain. Doubt in relationship means uncertainty and uncertainty = breach of trust and ultimately the end of a relationship.
You were both pretty dubious about the relationship working out. You stating that to him, might have made it even worse.
Ask yourself this. What has changed for the relationship to not go down the same path under the condition that you manage to reconcile? Doubt will most likely still be there. Not only that, new, worse doubt will creep onto the surface because of this break-up. If you get back together, you would be walking on eggshells.
You’ve figured everything out already. Your ex is in a fearful state of mind. He is is afraid of committment. It happens sometimes right before the marriage when the fiancé gets cold feet.
It’s an instinct to resort to begging after being broken up with. You calling him a few times, crying hasn’t killed your chances for good. Calling, texting, stalking and annoying him, would over a long period of time destroy your value in his eyes.
I know you don’t wish to let go at the moment. You are holding on to dear hope and connection from the early phases of the relationship. Unfortunately, the strongest attracting position is when you feel detached, full of self-love and confidence. As much as you don’t want to hear it, you must start moving on. Just because you move on, doesn’t mean you can’t get back together. As a matter of fact, the odds of reattracting your partner are much higher. It will also allow you to live your life with purpose, instead of living in fear. You really have nothing to lose by forgetting about him. There is not a single negative thing I can think of. Get in the “no hope” mindset and you will see for yourself.
Commitment phobics choose to run from their problems, instead of facing them. That means that unless something big happens, and they truly wish to change their mentality, phobics are always going to be on the run. Most people let emotions control their behaviour, instead of a person being in control of his emotional state.
The overall grief process would be the same. Right now your ex chose to run. You now know that no amount of crying is going to change his mind. What might bring him back though, is you living well and showing him he doesn’t need to feel pressured by the marriage. That means you don’t wait around by the phone. Get out there and start seeing other guys. Go for a drink with a few and see what that’s like. Sooner than later, your ex will find out about it and he might have something to say about that. He has to realise he’s lost someone amazing, and if he doesn’t act upon it quickly, he might lose you forever.
Kind regards,
Zan
hi Kaila,
What happened to you, has almost exactly happened to me 2 weeks ago.
Long distance first, we had just moved in together, all was great and in less than 1 week i noticed a subtle change, followed by a sudden breakup with no real explanation.
A relationship of more than 3 years was thrown out the window because of his fears, and like you said, i also told him he was sabotaging himself. Same as you, he said i was the best he’s had, and that he hopes he’s not making a mistake. The reasons he gave me were non-sense, and even until the end he looked confused. He admitted he might have a commitment problem. I am now on NC. His loss.
Let me know if you wanna talk, any time.
MSI2018
Hi MSI2018,
wow, reading your story is like reading my own …
exact thing happen to me: we moved in together (he initiated it), after 1 good week he backed off and said he isn’t ready. We had a time out, he asked for time and space. I didn’t push him, but would try to keep communication open, but he would ignore my messages. We met couple of times though when I initiated it, but after couple of months he said we should break up. The reason was his fear and anxiety, and that I didn’t do what he asked.
He said he might regret it later, but now he doesn’t know what he feels and what he wants and etc. He often acted hot and cold. He would often say that I am perfect for him, special and etc, but then would come up with cultural difference to doubt our future.
It has been a while but I am still hugely heart broken… In my head everything seemed perfect, whilst he would have constant fears: one moment I am too good, too perfect, another moment we have lack of cultural resemblance, uncertainties in future and etc. Also, what strokes me, they act as they love you, but they say they don’t know surely if they do :(.
It helps knowing that I am not only one going through this… Most of the time I don’t know what to think and weather to hope for anything in the future. We don’t talk now. He wanted to be friends, but I can’t be just friends, so I cut off all communication, but we see each other often since work in the same building. Sometimes I feel like he purposely comes to the part of my building just to see how I am doing… He initiated contact ones, to say he is glad I am doing okay…
I tried dating other people, doing a lot of things, taking care of myself, but I hugely hugely miss him in my life. He was so special to me…
Hi polonez88,
So many things you mention sound very familiar to me.. he was also hot and cold. He would tell me how his feelings were always like waves, come and go: some moments he was completely sure about us and some moments he had doubts. He told me he had always been like this. One moment he was saying how perfect I was for him, another he will try to change small things in me. He also mentioned the cultural differences as one of the reasons for breakup, which i didn’t find them as a problem. He was always in fear, and always looking and digging for reasons to convince himself that I was not the one for him.
It’s been 2 months now of NC. I am feeling much better, and I understand now that we don’t need people like them in our lives. We need people that are going to stay, that appreciate us and that fight for us and for the relationship. For me, our relationship was perfect. He sent me a long email a couple of weeks ago, explaining to me how he was not even planning to breakup, about the cultural differences (bla bla bla) and how he hopes I don’t hate him. Ridiculous email that does not even explain the reason for a breakup considering 3 years of relationship. I haven’t replied and won’t reply. Good luck with everything polonez88. We deserve much better than that.
Hello, I was with my ex boyfriend almost 2 years he broke up with me this past week. He said he wasn’t physically attracted to me, and he couldn’t pretend anymore. Told me that the reason he stayed longer was because I was a nice person. Said he was attracted to bigger girls and I was to skinny for him, why didn’t he see this in the beginning of the relationship. Told me he wanted a family of his own and he can’t find someone new if he was still with me. All of this started in April when we had a fight, he would tell me to find move on but we continued to stay together. I caught him on a dating site and he was even sending messages to his ex that he wanted to see her in her pjs.
He wants to remain friends, I told him I couldn’t be his and he was upset told me he would always be there for me even though I wasn’t for him. Said he would still help me move to my new apartment because renting a truck was expensive and he didn’t want me to spend the money. He was even giving me dating advise, to always stand up for myself. He has me so confused. Any advise, I still love him and want him back.
Hi Kristen.
This is quite a common situation. Your ex wants a “bigger girl” yet he’s been with you for two years? It’s true that people’s preferences change slightly over the years, but to think any sane person would leave you for that alone, is quite unreasonable.
What we’re dealing with is a loss of attraction, where your ex boyfriend, started creating a false image in his head. Other “perfect” girls on social media, online and in life in general, probably changed his sense of reality by making him believe that you should also be like them. These perpetuating thoughts can have a big impact on a person over a long period of time.
He did see you attractive at the beginning of the relationship, and he honestly liked you for who you are.
When he told you to move on in April, he meant it. By the time he said that, he was already emotionally detached.
The fact that he was contacting his ex and signed up on a dating site is a clear indication you were out of the picture as a romantic partner.
He gave you dating advice, offered to help you move to your new apartment and intended to remain friends with you to make you feel better and lessen his guilt.
I know you still love him, or rather who he was in the past. Right now your ego has taken a hit and it needs some time to recover.
Your best chance of getting him back is by giving him what he wants and showing him you don’t need him back. Date a guy twice as handsome and successful as him. That will show him his significance.
Also, if you’re happy with yourself physically, I suggest you focus on healing first, and once you feel better, start looking for new romance. You don’t need me to tell you that you deserve someone who appreciates both your inner and outer beauty.
Best of luck,
Zan
My ex’s family are close friends with mine, and we often vacationed together as families even before the 2 of us began dating. We dated for just 2 months before he dumped me, saying that I had changed and that he now needs time and space to think about things. I am employing the indefinite no contact rule, but our families had already purchased airline tickets and arranged a 5-day vacation for all of us together (I have younger siblings, and this is happening at a major theme park/resort). I love our families, and it would so much disappoint them (and me!) if I don’t participate. How do I be a part of this upcoming vacation (occurring 3 months post-break up) and still maintain no contact?
Hi. 2 months isn’t a whole lot of dating time for feelings and bonds to develop. If you had a proper friendly relationship prior to the romantic one, it makes things a bit esier for you as the foundation had already been paved.
From what you said, I understand he is either:
1)Trying to soften the blow by saying he needs time to think
2)Feels suffocated or smothered by your actions
Sometimes men instinctually need to pull away when they feel like they are losing themselves in the relationship. This is where you continue doing the indefinite no contact and give him all the space he asks for. Be reallygenerous and throw in the time and kindness as well for free. In this way, you are allowing him to think about you and re-evaluate his decision.
Your families can be the key to bringing you closer together, as long as neither of you feel pressured. This is a great opportunity for you to showcase your indepencence and self-sufficiency. Indefinite no contact doesn’t mean you should ignore him for life or be rude in any way, shape or form.
When you see him, casually smile, say “hello, hope you’ve been well. It’s good to see you again.” Make it brief, positive and light-hearted. When you’ve made the biggest impact you possibly could in the shortest amount of time, you end the conversation and walk away in a confident manner. Say something among the lines of “I’m gonna go talk to/help mom. Catch you later.” Try to sound believable and cheerful.
As for how you handle the rest of the vacation, here are a few tips:
– Don’t appear cold or distan’t. Be aloof instead.
– Put the attention on you
– Try to avoid eye contact when not engaging in a conversation with him
– Pay attention to your non-verbal communication
– If he talks to you/makes plans, reciprocate on the same level of interest as his
– Most important of all – BE HAPPPY
He will most likely attempt to talk to you if he sees you are doing well without him. It should invalidate him enough to create doubt and lower his self-esteem.
Don’t be afraid to break the indefinite no contact rule. It’s there for you to heal and grow, not for him to talk to you. Be yourself, because he will see through inauthentic behaviour.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for your reply. You make a lot of sense. While I’m still hurt, I am slowly getting over the breakup because it has been several weeks since our initial temporary break and 10 days since he dumped me by text. In his intial break up text, he sent me 2 text. First was that he didn’t see a future with me and that it was over. In his second text, he told me how he wanted me to have a good life and wished me the best, etc. Since I didn’t reply to his break up texts, 5 days after that, he sent me another text saying something to the effect of “I hope you know that I really meant it” – referencing that he hopes I have a good life, etc. I did ignore that text as well. When I wrote my original post, I was still in the Depression stage. Since then, I’ve moved onto Anger but still waver between Anger and Depression. Although I am not quite there yet, I know deep in my heart that I do not want to get back with my ex. I know this sounds quite sudden but like you say, people’s thoughts and opinions change daily. lol. I know that he got back in touch with me because he was looking to silence his guilt (I agree with you, I think that during the summer, he started developing feelings for someone else who goes to his college – and that he’s probably looking for a clean start with her). I’m going to work on myself. I know I deserve better. What’s sad is that we had years of history as friends but he chose to throw that all away.
I believe your ex may have had another person already lined up. In a lot of cases, exes like to keep in touch with each other for safety net purposes, in case their new relationship fails. Whether he is with her or not, doesn’t change your approach. As you said, he may be feeling guilty and is wondering why you aren’t chasing him.
It’s obvious he doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy for hurting you feelings.
I would continue to ignore his messages until you receive something you can actually work with.
Just to remind you that by ignoring him, you aren’t playing any silly games. You are merely conveying a message to him that if he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, he can take a hike.
This should devalue him and increase your value in the process.
Kind regards,
Zan
I feel this article to be on point. I’ve been no contact for 3 1/2 months and he texted to tell me about an accident an acquaintance of mine was in. He thought I’d want to know. Smh! I think he’s feeling guilty but he’s still with the girl he left me for. I just texted back thanks. He went on with more details but I never responded. He cheated and left me twice for the same girl, so I don’t want him back.
I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again. I think he was testing the waters to apologize, but we’ve already been down that road. Apologies mean nothing unless you change your behavior. So I’m moving on with my life without him.
Hi Dee. I asbsolutely agree with you that some people never change. As you say, actions that speak louder than words. You will hear from him again most likely when they are having a hard time 🙂
Stay strong!
Zan
Thank you for your articles. You are part of the reason I have stayed so strong the second time around. The other part being so completely disrespected and blatantly lied to! One thing I’d like to see you write about is when you take your dumper back. Don’t make it too easy for them, even if it’s what you’ve been praying for. I see a lot of articles on HOW to get him/her back, but not how to handle yourself after. Thanks again!
Thank you for the kind words Dee. The whole blog is based on self-respect and self-love. You’re definitely right about the most common articles. I’ll do a blog post on what to do when a dumper comes back in about a week’s time. Thank you for the recommendation, and I wish you all the best!
Would this still apply when the dumper left with no explanation? Just disappeared?
If this was a long-term relationship and a proper bond was formed.
It was about 7 months and we really loved each other and had a good relationship hardly fought or anything. He told me he never loved anyone this way even his friends told me he never loved anyone this way. It’s so confusing why he would just feel the need to leave ?
Maybe he felt smothered or perhaps needed to work on his own issues. There’s always a motivator in the background, driving a person to take certain action. Give it some time for him to miss you and see if you hear from him.
It’s been almost three months and I’m still very hurt and confused. And having no explanation makes it worse. I mean if he meant everything he said he will eventually miss me right? He didn’t really like emptional confrontation so I can see why he didn’t give an explanation. it doesn’t make it ok. I’m just afraid of never hearing from him again. Thank you for your responses
It’s normal to feel sad and rejected. I advise you to start moving on whether you want him back or not. It doesn’t mean he won’t come back in the future. Don’t be afraid of losing him. It’s not worth your wellbeing over someone who doesn’t want to spend their time with you right now. You’ll most likely hear from him again in the future as long as you stay away from him and give him the space and time he asked for. Don’t ponder about what he said and promised in the past. It’s irrelevant now, so focus on yourself and your recovery. If there’s anything that drove him away, learn from your mistakes in the meantime, so it doesn’t happen the 2nd time. When and if he comes back, make sure you open the doors slowly and let him know he can’t pull this nonsense off again.
Best of luck Emily
It’s been 7 weeks of NC since she broke up with me. Hardly think she’s worse off today than back then. Family and friends saying I should call her, she’s probably waiting for me to…not gonna do it. So hard to know who to listen to as most experts online say NC forever. I know I messed up and the things I did to drive her to break it off but she still did it. Isn’t it weak or beta of me to NOT call and “fight for her” in her mind if she accused me of not being ”Alpha enough” during our relationship?
Thanks for the comment Bob. You’ve got this the other way around. Being beta would be reaching out and calling her to please come back to you, since you are sorry. The alpha way would be to agree to her terms and walk away.
If she wants to come back, she’ll come back on her own. You don’t need to convince anyone to stay in your life. Leave the doors open and focus on yourself. That is the absolutely most attractive thing you can do. Give her the gift of missing you and not knowing what you’re up to. If she truly wants an alpha male, then that means you don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning to get her back. To be alpha, means to have other options, as well a lot of independence. Best of luck!
How do you get over leaving a three year relationship when you ONLY walked-out because his oldest child’s mental health issues were SO great, you felt it was a no-win situation? I told him I just couldn’t live under the same roof w/her anymore and that I was moving out to give everyone space. I told him I still wanted to see him and that we were good together and he knew it. (We were best friends) Somehow though, he took my departure to mean I wanted to totally break things off. His family just told me they had no clue WHAT the hell he’s doing with the older woman he is with now. (less than a month after I left). I know he waited till after I was out to rebound, but I was completely shocked. I know he loves me. I’m certain the rebound is to cushion the pain of my departure. He told me in mid May with tears in his eyes, that he wanted to marry me one day. So why he chose to just accept my departure as a final choice, is beyond me. I regret I left, but I wasn’t breaking things with him. He is a good and kind man and never played games. He was in a 30-year relationship-24-year marriage before we met. I believe (given I lived with him) that in some way, he never got over his marriage. I am just devastated. Thoughts, anyone?
Hi Lynn. You are contradicting yourself in the comment. First you stated you wanted to completely break it off with him, and later changed it to wanting a break from it. From what I understand you got fed up with his child’s behavior and abandoned the man you love in the process.
As a result of your departure he has come to terms that he needs to move on. He started taking the correct steps to a successful recovery recovery and is now seeing another woman to soften the blow. What he said in the past is irrelevant. People can change their mind, literally over night sometimes. I strongly doubt he hadn’t seen this coming as you must have expressed yourself and the inability to cope with his child.
The most mature thing to do is to tell him you regret making such a rash decision and that you would like him to get back in touch with you if his new relationship doesn’t work out.
You get over him by distracting yourself and fully focus on you and your wellbeing. If he really appreciated you, he will come around the second time. If that’s what you want, figure out how to deal with the issue that led to the break up.
Best of luck!
Thanks for the reply Zan and the information, it means alot. If i have any other questions or anything to ask i’ll post, or maybe i’ll try a live chat with you to ask a few things if need be.
How long do you mean roughly by how it could take a while for her to feel the seperation anxiety properly and the reality of the fear of losing me forever really sink in? I hope her initial high ends soon and regret and reality really do come in. I haven’t contacted her since the day after the relationship ended. She will know what she’s missing and losing out on and will admit to herself that she weren’t so perfect herself either won’t she and regret breaking up with someone special.
It’s hard to say for sure when your ex is going to feel like she is losing you. The separation anxiety normally occurs a couple of weeks after the break up and peaks at 3-4 weeks. It depends on her attachment style and the support she has from her loved ones.
If your ex seems like she is on cloud 9 and is posting pics day and night, it means she is trying to conceal her distress. It’s impossible for her to feel nothing (unless she’s a sociopath). She has to convince the people around her that she’s made the right decision. When and if she actually admits she was wrong may depend a lot on her pride and whether she truly wants you back.
Sometimes it takes another person to realize what she’s had. You may not want to hear that, but another guy can make you seem like a god in contrast to her new fling. That’s the best and the quickest way to make her realize what she lost.
Work on yourself to make sure you don’t waste another opportunity when she decides to orbit you. Stay strong and love yourself first!
Hello, Sorry for the confusion, thanks for the reply, sorry she was the dumper. Can you reverse it a bit and give me the input i need? Would appreciate it alot.
Thank you sir.
Both the dumper and the dumpee will think about each other until they meet someone else/better more suited for each other. Even then they will continue being reminded every now and then when they see and do something the couple used to do in the past. It’s impossible to force it out of your head no matter how hard you try. Actually the harder you try, the more you will struggle. That’s why acceptance is so important during the break up recovery process. If you were clingy post break up it will take her a while to experience the separation anxiety (fear of losing you forever). Stick to NC and don’t reach out. You don’t hear a thing from her, so why should she hear anything from you? She wanted to break up, so give her what she wanted. Quite frankly, she doesn’t care how you’re doing at the moment so direct that attention on yourself and heal properly before you give this or another relationship another shot. I suggest you talk to your friends and family about it for a while until you regain the strength and become independent. You’ve got lots of work to do while you are in indefinite no contact.
Hey, first of all I like your posts you give the explanations etc that people and I are looking for, keep it up.
I broke up with my ex girlfriend 5 months ago, we were in a loving romantic relationship and I gave her something she’ll never find again. Considering she’s trying to make out she’s happy by posting pictures on Facebook, snapchat etc, that doesn’t change anything does it? She will still constantly be thinking of me won’t she? Will she still have a growing fear of loss and longing and nostalgia? Hopefully you can answer that for me because I’d like to think so. I feel as though she started taking me for granted towards the end of our relationship compared to how she was in the beggining, We were together 1 and a half years and were very close. I haven’t contacted her since we broke up. Is it best she hears absolutely nothing from me at all? Not how i’m doing – nothing? It would be nice to hear a little something from you because I don’t talk to anyone about it and could really do with it, please answer my questions.
Thanks.
Hi, thank you for your kind words. A year and a half is a decent time to be with a person, therefore she is/will be thinking of you for a while. She’ll be reminded of you when she passes your favourite restaurant or when uses the same jokes as you. Human beings are unable to disconnect from something we were attached to that easily. Since you broke up with her, she is experiencing a bigger sense of loss than you, as well as rejection on top of that. Nobody wants to feel unwaned, and neither does your ex. Break ups are very personal so the dumpee will feel like they weren’t good enough (at least at first). As time goes on, they too will see the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship and stop beating themselves up for it.
Don’t overanalyze what she does online. She may or may not be happy by posting pictures. It doesn’t change anything as we are all putting a big smile on our face as the society expects us to be happy all the time.
We all take things for granted when we have them on the daily basis. It’s only when we no longer receive those benefits that we start to appreciate them. It’s kind of like health. You’re happy when you feel healthy (you don’t even think about it), and appreciative when you can no longer experience life to it’s maximum potential. It can be anything from a high fever to a more serious disease. Your ex will at some point (if not already) miss those qualities of yours. It might be when she starts dating someone new.
It takes about 6 months to truly get to know someone and feel comfortable around them. Your ex stopped putting their best foot forward when she felt like she no longer needed to. The person you see in front of you now is the person she really is.
If your goal is to move on and never see your ex again, then staying away from her and not contacting her is your best option. You could message her a year or so later to see if she wants to explore a friendly relationship with you. If you regret your decision of breaking up with your ex, all you can/have to do is simply message her and tell her you’ve made the wrong decision and that you are wondering if she’s prepared to give you another chance. If she rejects you, leave it at that and tell her to contact you if she changes her mind. Know that the moment you tell her those words, her ego will skyrocket and she will be the one holding all the power. You might feel the loss and rejection after that, but not as strongly as she had right after the break up.
This right here is some pure bul**hit , whoever wrote this, its trying to make you feel sad. Don’t believe it. This 5 stages are far more complicated (more like 100 stages with 5 understage for each stage more) And for sure ending is on not on stage 5 quote ” The pain is more regret-filled as the dumper realizes the person he lost was something special.” If person was something special indeed than break up would not happen in first place.
First of all, thanks for the comment. The stages the dumper goes through are exactly as stated in the article. I suggest you do a little more research to find out more about it. Each and every person is different and may or may not experience a wide array of emotions in the mentioned or different order. According to BBC, on behalf of Glasgow university, a research has been conducted which says there are 6 basic human emotions “happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust”. These basic emotions can be expanded into more categories if you will. Just because you are experiencing extreme sense of loss, doesn’t meant there are 100 or more different stages a person goes through. What you feel are intensified (basic) emotions that shouldn’t need further explanation.
As for the last part, human beings tend to take for granted what is given to them on a silver platter on a daily basis. Once the dumpers no longer receive the benefits the relationship provided, they too feel a sense of loss. Many times break ups happen over nothing, when things could easily be fixed. Every person is special in one way or another and exes without a doubt miss or regret losing at least a tiny bit of our characteristics we possess. Unless your ex is a sociopath, they (to some degree) regret breaking up with you, even if you were a prick to them.
Also, I have nothing to gain by making my readers feel terrible. If anything I think this article gives you more hope than sorrow as it is intended to sympathize with the dumpee.
Hi Zan, thanks for the great article. Hoping you can help. I’ve been dating my now ex-boyfriend for 2 years. Not only is he my boyfriend, he was also my best friend and we’ve been friends for over 10 years. In the 2 years we were dating, our problems primarily revolved around communications – both his and mine. Since the problems kept recurring, I felt that maybe a temporary break might help us both figure out if our relationship was important enough for change. We both agreed to a 3 month break to get adjusted to college life (we’re both freshmen – I’m in CA and he’s in NY. Over the break, we did see each other several times and all 4 times, we behaved like a couple. The last time I saw him was before he left for college. We met, had a picnic, he gave me a teddy bear (so that I could hug it when I missed him) and told me that we would likely stay together after our temporary break. I was hopeful. But then 2 weeks after, he dumped me. He said that the communication problems were causing him stress and that since he couldn’t see how he could fix it, he felt that it was best that we part ways. He wished me well and said that he would always remember the times we had together. He said all this via email. I was devastated. I honestly wish that we could have discussed it. Since receiving his email, I have not contacted him at all. He’s was my best friend and we were good friends before we even started dating. What are your thoughts on this? I would love to hear what you have to say about this as there’s no one else I can talk to. Help!
Hi and thank you for taking your time to leave a comment. My personal opinion is to respect his wish for the separation, as you really don’t have a choice at the moment. Initially, it was your suggestion to take some time off and actively work on yourselves during these three months. By no means was this a bad move! Without conscious effort to break bad behavioural patterns and incorporate new stress-managing techniques, the same communication issues would have kept recurring.
Whether you decide to do dig deeper into your subconscious mind is up to you. I’d just like you to be aware that it takes two to tango. If your (now ex) doesn’t do anything to change his approach, the future relationship is going to be imbalanced, resting completely on your shoulders. You don’t want all that weight, as it is going to bring you down and ultimately make you unhappy.
Another thing I’d like to point out is that what he said in the past is irrelevant to your current situation. People’s thoughts and opinions change literally on a daily basis. What I suspect may have happened to him was the GIGS syndrome, where the change of people and environment gave him a “new beginning” feeling. So basically he is trying to start fresh by thinking he can do better/be happier.
You want to wish him well and hope he finds his happiness with or without you. Love is about freedom and acceptance and that’s all you should hope for. The fact that you had a good foundation prior to your romantic relationship, definitely works in your favour. Because of the strong bond, your ex will find it difficult to detach and move on without you or with someone else. Human mind just doesn’t work that way. The more you try to force things to happen, the more it backfires, so that’s a plus for you.
Advice to get him back? Work on yourself and find happiness in you. That is what attracted him in the first place. As the article states, he has to go through certain stages of grief, until he gets to the “OMG what have I done” point in life. There is absolutely nothingfor you to say or do directly to change his mind.
As much as you don’t want to hear it, he might have met another girl and is on cloud 9. Again, don’t overanalyze as it is going to drive you insane. You have to prioritize yourself and your well-being. Create your own ideal world, and once you feel content, great things will happen to you.
What you are feeling is pain due to rejection. As a result of that, your brain is trying to avoid pain at all cost and find the shortest route to pleasure (reconcilliation). If you are able to take that extra step and find out why this has happened and what you can do to feel better, the answers will come to you.
Kind regards,
Zan