This article covers the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Even though it may not look like dumpers are in pain after they’ve initiated the break-up, the truth is that they’re hurting in their own ways (on the inside)
They express grief through anger and avoidance and go through stages of dumpers’ remorse. Dumpers are hurt that the romantic relationship with the dumpee hasn’t worked out, and as a result, become very bitter, angry, cold, and strange.
They often become temporarily unrecognizable because they feel empowered by the breakup and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee anymore. They just want to focus on themselves and not worry about their ex’s health and well-being.
The thing with dumpers is that they only appear unrecognizable. Deep inside, they’re still the same people they’ve always been. They just never had a chance to show their true colors (which is how they deal with people they lost feelings and/or respect for.
Dumpers’ peculiar post-breakup behavior is essentially their self-defense mechanism. It’s their auto-pilot behavior that tries to protect them from emotional pain, guilt, and dumpees’ attempts for time and validation.
With that said here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
1)Relief
The first out of 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper is the relief stage.
In this stage, a huge weight is finally lifted off the dumpers’ shoulders as dumpers had been meaning to initiate the break-up for weeks or months. The only reason they didn’t leave was because they never found the time or the courage to pull the trigger.
Every time they tried to break up, they got scared/felt guilty and increased and delayed their suffering.
When they could no longer stay unhappy, though, their frustrations developed into anger and resentment. That’s when you noticed that something was wrong and that your ex had very little patience toward you.
Your ex just wanted to go his or her separate ways and not deal with you anymore. As a result, your ex finally mustered up the strength to tell you or show you that he or she needed to break up immediately.
Whether your ex told you breakup excuses, ghosted you, or was honest with you, the breakup indicated that your ex fell out of love and that no begging and pleading was going to change your ex’s premeditated decision.
Your ex had made up his or her mind and wasn’t going to budge an inch. How could he/she when your ex felt extremely relieved and wanted to break up for ages?
Your ex just wasn’t interested in hearing your side of the story because your ex lost faith in the relationship and wanted out as quickly as possible.
The quicker your ex escaped, the sooner he or she could stop feeling smothered and guilty for abandoning and hurting you. All of a sudden, it became okay to ignore your feelings and problems and worry about his or her wants and needs.
With that said, here’s what dumpers go through in the relief stage. Keep in mind that men and women go through the same stages of a breakup for the dumper.
This is the worst stage for the dumpee as the dumpee thinks the dumper is very happy on his or her own. He or she doesn’t understand that the relief stage is to blame for this and that the dumper feels temporarily infatuated because of the breakup.
As for dumpers, their GIGS: grass is greener syndrome normally fully kicks in around this time. It makes them believe that they can do better without their ex and that they deserve to be happy with someone else.
Dumpers in the relief stage see only the negatives. They don’t reminisce and think about getting back with the dumpee because they’re so focused on their new lives and the happiness their new lives create.
That’s why the first thing they do is let their friends and family know how great it feels to have finally gotten rid of the burden.
This stage starts the moment the breakup happens and lasts anywhere up to a few months. How long it lasts depends on each dumper and what the dumper does after the breakup.
If the dumper starts dating shortly after the breakup, the relief phase often lasts until the end of the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship. This means the dumper stays distracted with the new person and may not think about his or her ex very much.
2)Elation
In this stage, the dumper finds profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character. If he or she never used to go out, the dumper might suddenly feel the need to shake things up.
The dumper could feel like he or she was released from confinement and as a result, start drinking and partying and doing all the crazy things single people do.
The elation stage normally lasts about a month before the dumper runs out of steam and regresses to his or her old ways of behaving and living.
That’s because the surge of excitement is simply not a strong enough motivator to make long-lasting changes. For the dumper to adopt new ways of living, he or she needs to make a conscious decision to improve as a person.
And sadly, the dumper typically doesn’t feel the need to do that. A little bit of guilt is not enough for him or her to improve moral values and shortcomings. To make internal changes, the dumper needs to acknowledge mistakes, regret them, and feel the need to avoid making them in the future.
Dumpers may even pick up a few new hobbies and find new people to hang out with. At this point in the breakup, they are very content with themselves and their decisions. They enjoy their new life and the freedom it gives them.
Some dumpers even talk badly about the dumpee and by doing so, solidify their breakup decision. They think they’re the victims and that their ex deserved to get dumped and hurt. Such dumpers have a victim mentality and do nothing to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.
Some of the things dumpers could do after the breakup are:
- Go out a lot
- Drink, party, and act differently
- Use new words/ways to express themselves
- Talk badly about their ex
- Ignore the dumpee
- Date other people
- Break their promises
- Do the opposite of what they like/dislike
- And even try to ruin the dumpee’s reputation
When the dumper is going through the elation stage of a breakup for a man or woman, there’s no telling what the dumper will do. He or she could behave erratically and appear not to care about you at all.
Despite that, you must do your best not to take your ex’s lack of care personally because elation occurs naturally and doesn’t mean you’re a bad romantic partner.
Your ex just feels a desire to be alone and rediscover himself/herself. This is especially true if you were together for many years and made your ex feel that he or she couldn’t focus on himself or herself.
3)Nostalgia and comparisons
When the relief and elation stages of a break-up end, the dumper finally starts thinking about the dumpee. He or she begins to wonder what his or her ex is up to and whether the dumpee has found someone new to be with.
In the nostalgia stage, dumpers start missing their dumpee non-romantically and may even reach out to see if the dumpee is still available. We call this behavior breadcrumbing. It’s something dumpers do to move on without guilt, shame, and regret.
If the dumper is dating someone new already, the dumper may also compare his or her new relationship to his or her old relationship and notice all the things his or her new relationship has and doesn’t have.
The dumpee has set certain relationship standards, which is why it’s now the new person’s turn to reach them. If the new person reaches them or is about as good a partner as the dumpee, the dumper likely won’t come back.
He or she might feel a bit nostalgic from time to time but the dumper won’t necessarily return because of it. Not if the new relationship is similar or not much different from the previous one.
If it’s similar in terms of quality and happiness, the dumper will probably settle for it.
The dumper will come back only if the new relationship is much worse because that would mean that he or she is unhappy and misses the love he or she felt in the previous relationship.
4)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpers enter a stage of neutrality where they rationally see the positives and the negatives of the relationship.
They slowly start letting go of some of the negative memories that caused the breakup and tend to remember some of the good ones.
Dumpers also begin to appreciate their dumpees for the things they did and the people they were throughout the relationship.
Sometimes, they even reach out and say things such as, “I wish I didn’t end the relationship the way I did. I hope you don’t hate me. Let me know if you want to be friends.“
Or they might apologize for putting the dumpee through a difficult time and express the wish to bury the hatchet.
If that happens to you, you need to understand why your ex contacted you out of the blue. By understanding it, you can avoid getting your hopes up and thinking your ex wants you back. Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope, rather than hold on to it and wait for your ex to want you back.
The neutrality stage is very important because, in this stage, dumpers stop feeling resentful. They treat their ex with respect and sometimes even try to be friends. You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you want to (out of politeness).
Just don’t start acting like a friend because that will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make the moving-on process extremely long and difficult for you.
Your first step should be to go no contact and wait for the power of no contact to affect your ex the way it needs to.
5)Regret and sadness
When the dumper realizes that he or she is unhappy, the dumper starts to regret his or her decision (especially if the dumper is alone or unhappy in his/her new relationship).
Due to overwhelming anxiety, the dumper ponders about what he or she could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Such obsessive thinking forces the dumper to become remorseful and/or depressed.
That’s when the dumper finally stops blaming the dumpee for his or her mistakes and accepts that he or she was at fault for the breakup as well (or maybe even entirely).
The time the dumper spends away from the dumpee essentially allows the dumper to realize that he or she isn’t perfect either. That’s why the dumper begins to wonder whether the dumpee will forgive him or her and be willing to give the relationship another chance.
In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.
Unfortunately, by the time the dumper reaches out and wants to get back together months or years may go by. The dumpee is already at the end of the recovery stage in the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumpee and has stopped thinking about the dumper.
The dumpee is finally happy and at peace with the way things are whereas the dumper is anxious and eager for a new romantic connection with the dumpee.
Because the dumper has been prolonging his or her pain, either by rebounding or by distracting himself or herself, the time has finally caught up with the dumper.
He or she now has to deal with the post-breakup blues. Anxiety typically doesn’t hit as hard as it hits the dumpee, but it can still be quite painful and difficult to deal with. This is especially true if the dumper gets rejected by someone new and has a difficult time loving himself or herself.
But for the dumper to have an epiphany, the dumpee must stay in no contact and avoid making post-break-up mistakes, such as begging and pleading and overly apologizing for his or her mistakes. The dumpee must handle the breakup confidently and maturely by focusing on things that have nothing to do with his or her ex.
If the dumpee presents himself or herself as a strong individual, the dumper may reach out to him or her to obtain reassurance, emotional support, or love.
The dumper experiences the 5 stages of a breakup in the reverse order compared to the dumpee.
When the dumpee has fully or almost fully healed, the dumper’s failures and pain make him or her nostalgic and open to reconciliation. Pain is the number one incentive for getting back with an ex he or she left.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much the dumpee can do to speed up the reconciliation process. He or she can throw in a few jealousy tricks and portray happiness, but that doesn’t do much. It tends to backfire as the dumper sees through it and feels annoyed.
Both parties have to go through the process of grief to let each other out of their systems. When they do, their chances of having a successful relationship with each other increase. This is because they give each other what they need to be happy.
Thanks for reading through to the end of the article. Make sure to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee to see what stages dumpees go through.
What do you think about the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper? Have you gone through these stages? Did you skip any? Tell us your story in the comments below.
And also, if you want to talk about breakup stages for men and women with us, sign up for our 1-on-1 breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
It has been 1 week since my break up, it was a short term relationship that moved VERY quickly, I am 37 she is 35 both divorced, she had 1 child (4) from her previous marriage and two relationships since her divorce (when the child was 18 months) 1 relationship for 8 months and 1 a year before meeting me in Jan. During our time together she repeatedly stated how I was different to all others and that “i was the piece that fit her perfectly” i had already begun moving in, and talks of children as I wanted a family and she wanted another and 3 weeks ago we discovered she had fallen pregnant. With this she had to come of the medication she was taking. Last week we had our first argument, and this resulted in the break up, with me being removed from Socials like we never existed (minus a couple of profile pics i believe she has forgotten) and all my stuff moved out, during the break up she said she was going to abort the baby.
Day after break up, i sent a simple apology text for the things i did during our argument, to which she just wished me the best. Two days after break up i messaged to organise collection of final belongings and what she intends to do with the baby. She messaged to agree the collection and said “baby situation will be taken care of over the weekend”. I have since not replied and remained in NC, if that is right, as I am unsure if NC will even work on a short term relationship. I had met her daughter and we had bonded amazingly, again being told by the ex that no one had been like with her.
I am unsure if her reaction during the argument was due to coming off the meds and being pregnant or if this would be her normal behaviour during an argument, in which all my friends have said to me I have dodged a bullet.
However one week on I am still scratching my head over how this has happened, I am determined to remain in NC however our first midwife appointment was due 21st May and I do not want to break NC again.
Thanks
Hi Adam.
It seems a bit strange that she broke things off after the first argument. She was probably doubtful and resentful and used the argument as an opportunity to leave. With the kid on the way, you need to respect her decision and let her be. Stay in no contact and let her be in charge of her life.
If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you.
Best wishes,
Zan
Thank you for your reply, yes very strange, I am still getting my head around it all.
What could she of been doubtful/resentful over?
She messaged me this morning asking if i had cancelled our planned holiday in July, I have yet to reply. I am still anxious over Tuesday being our first midwife appointment and no mention of that.
Thank you for your blogs
Hi Adam.
Sometimes dumpers develop expectations and get bitter over them if they don’t manifest. They need to learn to open up about them before they become resentful.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I(31F) and my partner (27F) we’ve been dating for 5 years before she ended this relationship. We haven’t contact each other for 16 days now. She told me during the breakup that she doesn’t love me anymore, and she doesn’t love woman anymore. During the breakup i did not scream or did anything to hurt her or even say anything to hurt her. Because i know that none of that would change her mind. She cried and i also cried, for 1 hour. She said that me love her so much and teach her to love herself and it’s not fair to me. And i told her that that okay, don’t cry and i take my hand wipe our her tear. And keep telling that that is okay and don’t cry. I told her that i will wait for her and she said please don’t wait for her. I asked her if she need a break instead of a breakup she said she don’t want to think about it and she didn’t want to be in this any longer. To be honest, i was shock. Our relationship was beautiful we help one another to grow, we respect each another and support each other. We also argue but we always communicate and find the way to find each other hand and heart. We even went to bed with anger (we are not staying in the same roof). Looking back i know that there was so many thing more rather than just us, it might be something related to society and family as well . She love her mum and her family so very much, during our dating i haven’t get introduced to her family since she not ready (she was introduced by me to my family and my mum love her). What i try to say is that i want to know if one day one day will our path cross again in the future?
Thank Zan for reading through this.
Thanks,
Hi Cheata! Im so sorry this happened to you 🙁 It seems it was a very sad night but also a beautiful night filled with deep love. I had the same thing happen to me, I thought our relationship was great but other factors made them pull away and in my case, my ex pulled away for good. At first I could’nt understand it. We had a beautiful relationship filled with deep love, why couldnt he see it? But the truth is that after a while, when thinking back, I could clearly see the cracks and everything that affected us. But I still loved him. But the thing is, when a person dumps you and even tells you to not wait for them, they mean it. It is the cold hard truth. Nothing will make them regret it, this is their decision and they will to stick to it because they will always remember the “bad time” and never look att the “good time” again, to not make them regret. They sat there dumping you knowing this would hurt you, fully set on never being in the relationship again. How could they do this if they still loved you? That is something we cannot say but we do know they didnt love you enough to stay. It hurts and Im sorry. But realizing this is the first step to acceptance.
All love/Anita
Hi Cheata.
Perhaps one day in the future, she’ll realize she took you for granted and want you back. But right now, she’s going through the dumper stages and needs to be left alone for a while. She needs to process the breakup in her own ways and figure out what to do next.
She doesn’t seem to resent you or anything, which is good. However, she does seem to think she finds the opposite gender more attractive. She’s questioning her sexuality and seems confused.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your kind response. i will her all the time in the world she needed and focus on myself because i don’t want her to see me in such mess while she actually come back.
Thank Zan,
Hi Cheata.
You want to be in a better state for yourself as well as her otherwise you will scare her off.
Sincerely,
Zan
Me and my Ex are almost 5 months to the day of post breakup. He said he needed space and time because he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me after 3.5 years together. He also said we might be able to comeback together later. but I felt like he just said that. He never blocked me on social media, in fact I blocked him on everything and he was upset that I did that so I friended him on FB only. He was viewing my stories, he was liking my posts (he doesn’t like anything that seems like I’m having fun with someone else) and I was doing the same. I finally realized that I needed to stop trying to be his friend. So I finally went no contact and it was all good for a few weeks until my friend told me his father died and they bullied me into reaching out to him. But i made sure my text was short, and to the point and ended the conversation. But me being short with him and me now not liking his post he’s not liking mine either. Let me also state he’s a stubborn Aries, They’re definitely a different breed.
The other day he saw my GF because he was installing a TV for her and she asked him if he misses me and he said yes, he misses me all the time and he’s not interested in dating anyone else right now but he’s happy to be free to do what he wants. That I have trust issues I need to work on and I do, I’m in therapy for it right now. So i guess he’s in the Elation stage.
i’m doing everything to work on myself and move on but it’s hard when it was someone you know was your soulmate, my twinflame. I guess I’m tyring to figure out if we’ll ever get back together.
Hi christapierce1212.
Your ex fell out of love and wanted to focus on his own things. He’s not thinking about coming back. He’ll come back only if he fails to find happiness without you. I suggest you stay in no contact and ask your friends not to tell you about him. You need to detach and get your rationality and self-love back.
Make sure to also unfollow him on Facebook and hide notifications from him. It will help you recover quicker.
Best,
Zan
WOW what a dick!!!! So when he can’t use you anymore he just completely ignores you? It was also him that broke up with YOU and is now mad, acting like the dumped one LOL!!! That is sociopathic, childish and disgusting behaviour girl!! You stand your ground and do not show him even a hint of that you’re hurt, as it is his goal. Bully behaviour usually stops when it has no effect. Can I ask, what does your other friends in the group say about his behaviour? They must’ve noticed?
Post break up she jumped right onto dating apps called hinge. It said “new here” so 2 days after we were done seeing her on there was heart breaking but as always, a dumper dettached emotionally weeks ago. I can pin point exactly when it started to happen but it is what it is. Going on dates from hinge, i even payed for the unlimited swipes feature and have my radius linked to within 30km. My ex only lives a few streets over so for the first week she was on my “nearby” recommendations of the app constantly. What i noticed (as a greiving dumpee sometimes does), her account randomly dissappeared for a few weeks. Id say all of January and the first week of Feb. Although i had a feeling she met someone else and it hurt alot when i realized it(but i accepted it cause she is free to do what she wants).. I hate to admit it but i am still in the healing process so i did notice those thing.. strange thing is last weekend, her account out of the blue got suggested to me in the “nearby”.. it didnt say “new here” because what you can do on hinge is pause your account or temporarily deactivate it when you meet someone but are unsure about them. Wehn i was dating her she for the first time had permanently deleted the app so thats why it said “new here” when she returned to it. Anyways i noticed her profile show up and unfortunately it sparked my curiosity, and makes me think it didnt work with the new guy either hence why after a month and a half.. she randomly pops up on my hinge.. also i must note that i live in a small city and hinge runs out quick so you see the same people getting recommended to you 10’s of times. So my question is.. I wonder if she hardly thinks of me at all at this stage.. or what stage she could possibly be at??.. im sure things not working out with the new guy (she has a history of her relationships not working past 2-3 months.. i was her longest 8 months on and off.. and i was her first bf she is almost 30 years old) could have resulted in her comparing that new relationship to when i was with her. She would constantly tell me about how i was the most consistent guy she ever had, and that our experiences were her best experiences, when we were dating. I have been ghost on social media (i have her on instagram), and i have been just doing my own thing (no toxic date instagram stories or anything. I find those stupid and childish).. Do you have any thoughts or recommendations? I would say to wait a few months then reasses things ?
Hi DoctorAguero.
The stage she’s in largely depends on whether she’s dating and how long it’s been since the breakup. If it’s been a few months, she’s probably in the elation stage. I suggest you get off the app for a while. You’re not ready to date and know what she’s doing.
Your ex is looking for a new person to be with and trying to move forward. You must cut her out of your life and do what makes you happy.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Love the blogs on here.
No idea what stage my ex is at, probably still relief and we’re approaching 7 months since Break Up.
I already mentioned on a previous post (3 months no contact) about the mini slip up resulting in me getting blocked on instagram but i am yet to be blocked on FB.
Trying to decipher the behaviour and correlate it to any stages seems difficult and friends give me different views on how to interpret, so maybe you can shed some light on her FB behaviours.
On the exact date of 6 months no contact (28th Dec) she finally deleted pics of us and me, but still has kept the status’s and events posts visible with me tagged in? Two posts stand out, one where she wishes me a happy birthday and how she loves me, but removed the photos. Surely easier to just delete the post?? Secondly, the post sharing our anniversary (5 years) she has scrolled past this to delete images from earlier years but kept this public?
I know I shouldn’t be looking, and reading your blogs I feel this really is one of the last connections, along with her keeping keys to the house and tickets to an event I bought for her bday which is upcoming in March, where I am confused whether to just send her the tickets when they arrive, as being strict with N/C (aside from the instagram situation mentioned earlier) for the past 6 months.
cheers
Hi Adam.
Don’t look too much into her posts. What she deletes and keeps doesn’t concern you and change the fact that she left. She’ll probably eventually delete evertything. Don’t send her anything. Give the tickets to someone who deserves them.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan.
I’m wondering if these stages can blend together or go back and forth from stage to stage? I still live with my ex (10 yrs together), and it’s been 4 months since the breakup. He’s had a girlfriend for about 3 months, but all of the sudden he’s much warmer to me. He asks to cuddle sometimes and even approached me for sex.
The other day, out of the blue, he texted me “how’s work” after the end of a conversation (coordinating a ride home). He hasn’t texted me AT ALL during the day for anything that doesn’t pertain to a favor or our child. All this weeks he’s been sitting closer to me and sleeping closer to me (he only sleeps in the bed sometimes).
But at the same time, he only texted me that one day to talk and hasn’t since, and he’s seemed upset the last couple of days but I haven’t asked what’s wrong and he hasn’t tried to tell me.
Idk I’m just confused why he’s changed all of the sudden. Since our breakup he’s been cold and stand-off ish some days and friendly other days.
Mine did this, back and forth. Hot/cold behavior. Its all part of it. Id suggest, cut off the ‘milk’ supply. If he thinks he can still get some action without having to do anything he will. A straight forward, we are not together, this is as hardfor you as it is for me, we cant be physical.
Hi Pat.
Yes, the stages can jump back and forth, depending on what the dumper does and how he or she thinks and feels. Your ex’s new relationship doesn’t seem to be going very well. If it was, he wouldn’t be sleeping with you and confusing you. Still, expect him to stay with her until his relationship ends. He’ll make sure he can’t be with her before he comes back to you for security, validation, and happiness.
I suggest you cut him off. You shouldn’t be sleeping with him when he’s in a new relationship with someone else.
Kind regards,
Zan
“In this stage, the dumper may send subliminal messages to his or her ex to see if the dumpee feels angry and wants to talk.”
Zan,
Please write something more about this please. Does this subliminal messaging thing really happen and how do you know when it’s happening to you? What should you do if it is happening? Is this just wishful thinking? How can you tell?
Hi Claire.
It’s called breadcrumbing, which you’re well aware of already. It happened to you when the guy kept reaching out for selfish reasons, just to keep you hooked and feel fulfilled. You can tell the messages are meaningless when they avoid relationship topics.
You should take it seriously only when the texts indicate regret and show a desire to see you romantically.
I hope this clarifies things.
Sincerely,
Zan
How do these stages correlate with the stages of gigs and new relationships (rebound or not)?
Can these stages be prolonged if it is a long distance where people can’t meet physicly that often?
On another note, it’s funny how these stages seemingly can be applied to other events in life.
9 years ago I quit my job as a cook in restaurant, had been doing it for 10 years and at my last place management was really bad and it was late evenings and work on weekend. I was just done with it so many years prior to the “breakup”.
I started a nine to five job with weekends off.
For a few months I went out drinking and partying every weekend, even did some substances, and just shaked things up.
I eventualy hit the neutrality stage and went back to my old self.
I don’t want to go back to restaurant work, I know I have it better now. But I do from time to time play with the thought of trying it out for an evening or so, for the sake of nostalgia.
Hi Gordon.
These stagees can be delayed or shortened when dumpers get into new (rebound) relationships. New (good or bad) experiences change the dynamics of these stages. You probably miss the lows and especially the highs from your chef days. I think the feelings you felt back then after an exhausting day were so strong you reminisce about them from time to time. In other words, you feel tempted to re-experience the highs.
Sincerely,
Zan