A very common question dumpees ask themselves is, “What should I do if my ex is in a rebound relationship? Should I block my ex and move on or is there any hope left for me?” Before we talk about the game plan, you need to understand just how common it is for dumpers to monkey-branch into another romantic relationship.
Many if not most dumpers are so tired of their (long-term) relationship not making them happy that they eagerly connect with someone new and try their luck with that person. They don’t consider their branching to be immoral because they think they deserve happiness in life with a partner who understands them.
In their mind, they can do anything they want even if they end up hurting their ex’s feelings and appear happy while their ex is miserable. All that matters to dumpers who are in a new relationship is that they’re happy and that they don’t have to worry about their ex anymore.
Since your ex is moving on with someone new already, your ex has probably hurt you badly and affected your self-esteem. He or she made you think that you messed up badly in the relationship and that this new person will now have a better chance at having a successful relationship with your ex.
What you need to understand is that no matter who your ex is with, your ex will still be the same person. He or she will face very similar issues with this new person on top of some new ones. They won’t have a perfect relationship even though they’re infatuated with each other and appear to be a match made in heaven.
When they get to know each other, their chances of turning their new relationship into a long-term one won’t be any higher than yours were. That’s because they’ll have to learn to work together, practice healthy communication, express gratitude, avoid temptations, and much much more. They won’t have it easy just because they’re in love.
Finding someone to love is the easy part. Making the relationship work with is much harder.
Your ex may feel victimized and blame you for the end of the relationship now that you’re exes, but that doesn’t mean you’re solely to blame. Relationships consist of two people who need to give their absolute best. When someone stops investing in the relationship, the less-giving person makes the other person anxious and tends to take his or her efforts for granted.
That leads to a loss of feelings and the destruction of the relationship.
So if your ex is in a rebound relationship and you feel anxious, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s mistakes and flaws. You can acknowledge your mistakes so that you can work on them and fix them, but don’t think you’re more to blame than your ex. You were both equally responsible for maintaining the relationship.
But your ex decided to give up on you when things got difficult and began to pursue a new relationship with a person he or she knew nothing about.
In this article, we’ll talk about what you can do if your ex is in a rebound relationship.
What is a rebound relationship?
If your ex is the dumper and your ex started dating someone else right away, you need to understand something that may be unpleasant to hear. You won’t like it, but it’s unlikely that your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship. A rebound relationship is not something dumpees normally find themselves in.
It’s much more common for dumpees (not dumpers) to rebound with someone because they still have feelings for their ex and can’t emotionally disconnect from their ex and forget about their ex. They have a hard time regaining emotional independence as they need to go through the detachment process first.
Dumpers, on the other hand, have already gone through the detachment process. They took their time to detach prior to breaking up with their ex as they focused on doubting the relationship and feeling smothered or unhappy with their ex.
Since they’re already over their dumpee, dumpers typically don’t miss their ex in their new relationship. Sure, they compare their ex to their new partner and wonder what their ex is up to, but because they’re limerent with the new person, they’re more than happy to concentrate fully on their new partner.
Some dumpers also feel a bit guilty. But they tend not to start feeling guilty until they’ve gotten through the infatuation stage of a new relationship because that’s when they realize they haven’t considered their ex’s feelings.
So no matter how badly you want your ex’s new relationship to be a rebound relationship, try to think of your ex’s relationship as a normal relationship. If you think your ex will have a hard time connecting with another person, you’ll stay hopeful and keep waiting for your ex to return to you and make you feel loved.
And that’s not good because you’ll get stuck in the past and neglect yourself.
What if my ex really is in a rebound relationship?
If your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship, you can rest assured that your ex will return. He or she won’t be able to stay away from you for long because your ex will badly want to be a part of your life again and feel loved and validated.
Your ex can try to feel loved by someone else, but that will backfire on your ex and hurt your ex because your ex is still attached to you and wants your love (not someone else’s).
If your ex is rebounding, your ex feels emotionally unfulfilled around the new person and craves your affection more than ever before. That implies that your ex is in a rebound relationship for the wrong reasons and that it’s only a matter of time before your ex realizes that he or she has made a huge mistake. One that could make your ex feel miserable.
So if your ex is dating someone new already and you’re certain that your ex still has feelings for you and wasn’t able to move on, know that your ex’s rebound relationship won’t last forever. Eventually, your ex will get tired and may even start arguing with his or her new boyfriend or girlfriend.
That’s when the relationship will experience unfixable issues and turn into a ticking time bomb.
How can I tell if my ex will return after her rebound relationship?
No one can guarantee that your ex will come back after dating someone else, but if your ex has been messaging you, saying that he or she has made a terrible mistake, and wanting your forgiveness, your ex may be feeling a bit more than just guilty.
Your ex may be starting to realize that the new relationship isn’t as great as it first seemed and that you were quite a good romantic option for your ex. That would imply that your ex is reminiscing and that his or her perception of you has improved significantly since the breakup.
It may not be good enough for your ex to come back yet, but eventually (if things continue to hurt your ex), your ex’s relationship will end. It can’t keep continuing to exist when your ex is constantly unhappy and messaging you to tell you that he or she is hurt, anxious, and unhappy in the relationship.
This is one of the few ways you can tell that your ex’s new relationship will end and that your ex will probably return to you for healing and safety. Another way to tell that your ex’s new relationship will end is if your ex fights a lot with the rebound person and does it in an unhealthy way.
New relationships are supposed to have very few problems because things are new and exciting. Couples who bicker early on tend not to make it past the infatuation stage. They normally realize that they’re incompatible in many ways and that they would have to change and grow too much to meet each other’s expectations.
If you notice that your ex is arguing a lot when his or her relationship just started, it’s unlikely that your ex will stay in that relationship for a long time. Your ex could persevere for a while, of course, but your ex will probably get tired of constant ups and downs and decide to go separate ways.
If your ex gets hurt a lot and/or if your ex does a lot of self-reflecting, your ex might remember that you used to be considerate and supportive and want to be a part of your life again. No matter what happens, you must let your ex’s rebound relationship play out so that your ex can figure out what he or she wants out of romantic relationships and life.
What if I was the rebound?
If your ex dated you soon after ending his or her long-term relationship, you’re at a disadvantage. You’re someone your ex dated to rely on emotionally and cope with the breakup blues. Your ex probably didn’t fall in love with you in the short amount of time he or she was with you.
Your ex likely just faked the relationship to keep anxiety under control and get over his or her dumper quicker. Once your ex has healed, your ex felt happy and in control once more and saw no reason to continue his or her relationship with you. Your ex wanted to see what else was out there and take his or her time looking for someone else.
Unfortunately, many people do that. They’re hurting, so they get involved with someone new and strong because that person can make them feel loved and respected. But when they can’t benefit from that person anymore (don’t need more support), they think they deserve better and start looking for someone “better.”
Eventually, they find that person and oftentimes leave their partner for him/her.
But how can I tell I was a rebound?
To make it simple, you were your ex’s rebound if:
- your relationship ended quickly (less than half a year)
- your ex appeared tired, lazy, distracted
- your ex was seldom in the mood for affection and sex
- your ex didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything
- your ex talked about his or her ex a lot
If you were your ex’s rebound partner, it’s not your fault your ex didn’t stay with you. Your ex was the one who should have been honest with you from the beginning instead of giving you false hope and making you think you were heading in the right direction as a couple.
What do I do if my ex is in a rebound relationship?
Whether your ex is in a rebound relationship or a regular relationship, you mustn’t try to win your ex back through persuasion and perseverance. Your ex doesn’t want to be persuaded because your ex lost feelings for you and decided to give someone else a try.
If you try to meddle with your ex’s romantic life, you’re going to look weak, needy, and pushy as you’ll refuse to accept the breakup and give your ex a chance to do what he or she wants.
Always remember that people in denial aren’t attractive and that your ex won’t take pity on you if you beg and plead with your ex and show how loyal you are to him or her. That’s not what your ex wants to see. Your ex wants you to accept that the relationship is over and that you need to let the broken relationship rest.
As difficult as that is to hear you must be strong and accept it. You don’t really have a choice because resisting the breakup is only going to make things worse. It won’t convince your ex that you’re worthy of another chance but that you’re annoying and that you lack the strength to get out of denial and move on with your life.
So if your ex is in a rebound relationship and you’re wondering what to do about it, leave your ex alone. Go no contact with your ex so your ex doesn’t develop extremely low opinions of you and say or do something that you’re not ready to see or hear.
In all honesty, you shouldn’t have even found out that your ex is dating someone else already. You should have started no contact the moment your ex broke up with you so you could avoid learning things about your ex that destroy too much reconciliation hope at once.
Now that your ex is in a new relationship, you must stay away from your ex and act as if you don’t know or don’t care your ex is dating again. That’s the kind of message you want to indirectly send your ex by ceasing all communication.
Of course, your ex won’t care what you think of him or her dating again, but your ex might become more curious about you later if your ex struggles to stay connected with the new person. Your job is to keep moving forward and remember that your ex will message or call you if your ex regrets leaving you.
Do exes come back after a failed rebound relationship?
Exes come back after a failed rebound relationship quite often. They tend to realize that they’ve taken their ex for granted and that they needed to learn their lessons the hard way – by failing miserably.
The reason why exes come back after failing with someone else is that they realize their ex was a lot better than their rebound and that the relationship with their ex had problems but they weren’t that bad. Such dumpers take responsibility for their actions and come back to fix what they’ve broken.
Before your ex comes back, your ex could check up on you online, message your friends, or breadcrumb you for a while. Your ex might want to check if the door is still open and if he or she needs to hurry up before someone else takes your ex’s place and makes it more difficult for him or her to return.
Or your ex could just decide that enough is enough, leave the rebound partner, and come running back to you decisively. Don’t worry too much about that right now. If you ended the relationship on good terms, your ex will probably message you a few times to see if you have any hard feelings.
And once your ex has made sure that you don’t hate him or her, your ex will likely start pursuing you and making plans with you. You need to be ready for that so that you don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex.
Rushing could make it too easy for your ex to get back with you and prevent your ex from learning things your ex badly needed to learn. So keep in mind that exes do come back after a failed rebound relationship. But they tend to come back when things go wrong in their new relationship because that’s when they realize they were happier in their previous relationship.
How do you steal your ex from her new rebound partner?
Many dumpees are so hurt that they want to steal their ex from their ex’s new partner. They completely forget that their ex isn’t a toy they can just take away. They can’t just do something their ex loves and watch their ex running back to them faster than greased lightning.
That’s because they’ve lost the ability to influence their ex and make their ex feel good. In other words, their ex no longer considers them the most important people in their life, so any attempt to be the most important only makes things worse. Instead of impressing and reattracting their ex, it smothers and repulses their ex.
You need to understand that there will be no stealing anything or anyone. You’ll have to wait patiently for your ex to give his or her new relationship a fair chance. If that relationship fails because your ex has feelings for you or because they don’t get along, your ex might fall back on you and apologize for leaving.
So if you’re thinking of competing with your ex’s new partner, don’t do that. You’ll never be able to beat your ex’s partner nor impress your ex because your ex isn’t in an impressible state. He or she is probably happy dating this new person and wants to see how the relationship will progress.
You must let your ex’s new relationship run its course and let your ex come to you. That’s the only way your ex will ever respect you and want to be with you again. Any other technique or manipulation tactic will only make you look desperate for attention and tell your ex that you’re incapable of controlling yourself and respecting your ex.
Always put yourself in your ex’s shoes by asking yourself what you’d expect from your ex if roles were reversed. After something thinking, you’ll admit that you’d probably want your ex to keep it together and not interfere with your romantic life.
What if your ex’s rebound relationship failed and your ex started dating another person?
If your ex’s relationship failed and your ex soon moved on to someone else, you need to understand that your ex didn’t discern your worth. He or she didn’t improve negative perceptions of you and think that you were a good romantic partner for him or her.
I don’t want to give you hope, but some exes need to go through multiple breakups to realize their ex’s worth and come running back. They need to get involved with someone they really like and have their hearts broken so that their self-esteem cracks and forces them to reflect on their behavior and good memories.
That’s when they can have an epiphany and admit that their ex was a good romantic partner to them but that they couldn’t notice it before.
So if your ex is changing romantic partners, don’t just keep waiting for your ex. It could take your ex many years before your ex gets into a serious relationship and experiences a painful breakup. And you don’t have years of time to wait for your ex to see your worth.
You have to detach and move on so that you can find a person who won’t forget your importance and need to date other people to get hurt and realize what you brought to the table.
You’re better off without someone like that as waiting for something that may or may never happen is a waste of time.
How long do rebounds last?
A rebound relationship can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to about 6 months. After a few months, your ex will have known the other person well enough to see his or her true colors.
That’s when your ex will decide whether to keep pursuing the relationship with the new person or let go of it. If the relationship lasts longer than 6 months, though that probably indicates that your ex isn’t in a rebound relationship and that your ex will likely keep dating this other person.
That doesn’t mean that they’ll live happily ever after but that their chances of success will be as high as any other couple’s. It’s impossible to say how long they’ll last if you don’t understand how their relationship functions. But the good thing about it is that you don’t have to know.
If you keep tabs on your ex, you’ll just analyze your ex and look for hope in everything your ex does. So take the rules of no contact seriously and completely remove your ex from your ex. You’ll find the breakup much easier to cope with if you focus on yourself and your loved ones.
Can no contact work if your ex is in a rebound relationship?
Many people doubt no contact because they fear their ex will move on and forget about them. Although that can definitely happen, you mustn’t let your fears get in the way of rational thinking. You must stay calm and sensible and do things that distract you.
Such things will require immense willpower and self-control, but they’re necessary so that you can redevelop your self-esteem and look more attractive in your ex’s eyes. I encourage you to learn more about breakups and dumpers’ behavior so that you don’t think you must do something to prove your worth to your ex.
The only people who try to prove their worth to others are those who aren’t sure of themselves and seek external validation. Those people tend not to impress their exes as they don’t even feel comfortable in their skin. They consider themselves to be undesirable, so that’s the kind of message they send their ex.
You need to understand that no contact is the best thing you can do now that your ex is in a rebound relationship as it will show your ex that you’re in control of your body and that you won’t chase after your ex. That will help you keep your remaining respect and tell your ex that you understand the relationship has ended.
So what do you do now that your ex is in a (rebound) relationship? You do nothing. You let your ex enjoy dating the new person and do your best to detach and get over your ex. It will probably take you some time to take your ex off the pedestal, but persevere and keep focusing on yourself and you’ll soon stop obsessing over your ex and his/her new partner.
You’ll see that your ex isn’t worth the wait and that your emotional health and well-being are much more important than any relationship and ex-partner.
For now, learn to trust the no contact rule and be prepared to give your ex as much time as he or she needs. I promise that it gets easier the longer you stay in no contact and the busier you get. No contact is also more effective the longer you stay in it because you give your ex all the space in the world to experience the grass is greener syndrome and see what else is out there.
Is your ex in a rebound relationship? How are you coping with it? Let us know what worked for you and what didn’t in the comments section below.
And if you’d like to talk about your ex’s rebound relationship with us privately, click here to get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Your blog has been so helpful in my post break up phase. I couldnt thank you enough for this. I do have a burning question though, I initially broke up with my ex when I found out he has been talking to this guy from abroad. He said he has been speaking with this guy for weeks prior to my confrontation and told me he would wanna give this guy a shot. I begged and pleaded for him to stay after I said that I wanna break up with him and took my words back but he said we should just break up. Couple of weeks after, we saw each other as I didn’t reinforce no contact rule and he told me theyre a couple already. We even slept together for couple of times after that. I’m sure there is no chance anytime that theyll see each other physically soon but would you still consider this a rebound? I’m trying to get over him because I know this is the best move for me but reading about rebound relationships gives me so much hope.
Please advise! Much appreciated!
How do I change my name on the comment? Sorry I’m so silly
Hi Kenneth. I changed it for you. 😊
Hi Kenneth.
I don’t think it’s a rebound because he simply accepted the breakup and branched straight onto the next person.
I strongly suggest that you let him date this person while you focus on yourself.
It’s your best chance at reattracting him if his relationship doesn’t work out.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and I dated for a little over 2 months. We had the most amazing connection on every level, almost like we met in previous lives (he said I was his soulmate after we broke-up, which I do believe). When we first started dating we both agreed that we wanted kids (he already has 2, who I met at almost 2 months in the relationship), but out of nowhere he started getting confused of what he wanted. He was previously married and it didn’t end well… I really feel like his issues and confusion are due to his past traumas and that’s why he’s scared to trust again and engage. He was the one talking kids and marriage, always initiating topics about us living together and our future. We broke up a little over 2 months ago because this was a big deal breaker… anything else we would have managed to find a solution but he didn’t want me to wait around if he wasn’t sure he was gonna change his mind about this. I’m still devastated about our breakup… we still maintained a sporadic contact through texts after our breakup, but this week after I sent him a selfie during my vacations (we haven’t seen each other since our breakup) he told me that it wouldn’t work out us being friends. That he needed to move on and that he’s now interested in someone else. He also mentioned that if I didn’t want kids, we would have worked out and that we had a great relationship and connection… The weird part about this is that since the very beginning of our breakup, he told me he would give up on dating, that he wasn’t interested in developing any connection to anyone else because he knew he would never find what we had, he couldn’t handle it, etc… I’m very sad about this but I never let him know… I wished him all the best and will not contact him again.
I don’t know if his new relationship would enter in the “rebound” criteria since he basically said that he’s getting into a relationship to move on…Please advise.
Also, would it enter into the “rebound” criteria if we dated for a short period of time but it was very intense and full of love? Do rebounds still apply in short relationships?
I was in a relationship with my ex within 1 month and half. He walked on me which it is negative pregnant test and it was his fault. No men do that to women if she had a negative test. A year later he found rebound wife within less than year. He told me that we had little common and he asked me to move on in the separate way which left me upset. I left no contact within about 5 months. His wife has previous son from another man. Why did he hurt me like that he treat her better than I was? He rubbed my face that his wife was better than I was. I was disapproved of his rebound relationship with her. I felt used and I was nothing to him.
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me about 5 months ago, reasons she felt like i wasnt giving her enough attention and was not visiting her house( i had problems or her dad had big problems with me). We broke up i didnt contact her for about 4 months and i was actually doing good getting over it and starting to move on. On day i was coming back home from work and i seen her when i came in the house, apparently she was visiting my grandma wich she got really well along with. We talked for about 30 mins since me being mature enough not to make things weird i didnt mention anything about our breakup and talked like normal people, when we were done i said i needed to go out and she said she was going to leave too and turned around and asked me for a hug!! that was the catalyst for her to remember me constantly.
Fast forward to yesterday 11/1/2019 5 months after, i was close by her house and asked her if i could come by and have conversation so i went, we talked for about 5 hours and she confessed to me that when we broke up she went into this relationship with her neighbor for like 1 month and that she had confused her feelings since he was always there. She also confess that they had sex during that time(killed me in the inside) and thats when she felt horrible because she found out that it wasnt love and she ended up breaking the relationship with him and apparently he hates her now.
I stayed there listening to her all the time and told her things happened, its normal to make mystakes and ive done a few myself. She started crying and also confess that she thought she had a connection with this other guy but theyve never talked about being in a relationship with him, so i ended up telling her that i still loved her and still care about her and gave her good advice, to be careful who she ends up with. Later she ended telling me that her heart belonged to me, that i was her first love and her first man, and she procceeded to kiss me and we made out. Now i have a problem, what if she is just using me as backup just in case things dont work out with whoever she has a connection with? I told her that i was moving forward regarless, we could give it another chance or we could move on the way we have been doing, and she procceeded to kiss me again and hugged me. In the end i left told her to have a good night. We never set thing straight. I dont know what to do since i still have feeling for her but im not sure if she has the same type of feelings for me and i dont want to get hurt again. Any reply or any advice would be great. I am 26yrs old and she is 24yrs old. Thank you in advance!
Hey Zan!
Dated my ex for a year and half. We had a very solid and loving relationship. We didn’t fight much at all, but I began to take her for granted and never considered her feelings and never caught her signs toward the last 6 months of our relationship. I was selfish and it backfired on me. She broke up with me in late May. It was a very emotional, but clean breakup. We did not end on bad terms. And we decided to stay friends. (Didn’t now anything different at the time) Anyway, about a month passed and I still had her locations on and she was going to this house that I had never seen before. So I was dumb and asked her if she had been seeing anyone else. She said yes. It killed me to hear that. But I said ok and that I’ll leave you alone and respect your new relationship. I unfollowed her on social Media so I didn’t even risk seeing them together because it was just make me sick. A few weeks later I called her and spilled my heart out like an idiot we be both cried and she just didn’t know what to do. After that I went into no contact until August 21st a few days before college started back. I followed her back on instagram and she followed me back as well. Every time I posted she liked it. And she liked my tweets as well. ANYWAY > I texted her and asked how she was and if she was nervous about school. We continued to text for a several weeks. Coincidentally the first person I see when I walk in is her. I was super nervous and so we talked and stuff and she seemed really receptive. We met up after class as well and we made that a routine for about 2 weeks or so. On my birthday September 5th, I walked her to her car and asked for a birthday hug and she declined . So we kinda looked at each other for a second and I said “what?” And she said “it’s just you” and I was like “What do you mean” and she said “ever since you followed me back on Instagram I knew you wanted to get back with me.” And I was like “well of course” In that time of no contact I reflected on what I did wrong in the relationship and I expressed that to her In that conversation on my birthday. We both began to cry and she said she doesn’t know what to do and that she is confused. So I let her have her space and time and I made sure she knew I was doing that for her. Eventually I lost my patience and asked if she had thought about it. And she said she has a lot going on in her life and that she still doesn’t know. I texted her later that day and the topic went to us and she said she couldn’t do it again. So I begged and pleaded like a fool and it got me no where. A few days Later I asked if we could meet up and get some closure about us and she declined because she has a lot going on in her life. So I let that be. We continued to meet up before and after class for about another 2 weeks or so. And In those moment I tried showcasing my change to her. And I think I did a good job. She let me compliment her and she seemed receptive to everything I did. I texted her again trying to clean up the situation and asked her if I was wasting my time. She said that she still cared about me and thanked me for helping her through some things she was going through and that she gives second chances when she feels like it’s right. And she said that if God puts us on the same path then it could happen again. (Made me super happy to hear) anyway, We have mutual friend and my ex was talking to her about how she still loved me and cared about me. And how she was in a bad spot. She said that she was going to give me another chance but was scared that it would go back to how it was after a couple of months. Keep in mind she started dating him September 19th. She also said that her new boyfriend didn’t like that She was talking to me. So I stopped texting her out of respect. (Side note: they haven’t posted about each other at all. Which is unusual because that’s what us milineals do these days) until recently she posted a picture on her Instagram story and her twitter of a ticket stub of a pumpkin patch that her bf took her too and she mentioned his name. And that just made me sick. So
I just unfollowed her for my own sake. And I’m sure she saw that I did that. At this point
I still want her back. I love her so much and I don’t want to give up but I can’t keep waiting at the same time. She is in a classic rebound relationship and she never gave herself time to heal properly. Btw we are both 19
And her new bf is the total opposite of me. And it turns out that he is a heavy drinker and he smokes weed. And I know she doesn’t like that at all because she got onto me for vaping… So now I’m at the point where idk what to do. Should I keep talking to her at school And continue to showcase my change and just wait for the relationship to end or just stay away from her completely until the relationship fails, Do NC and let her miss me and realize what she lost and hope she contacts me?
P.S. I’m
So sorry that is the longest lost post you’ll read ever. I’d love a reply. It would help
Tremendously.
THANK YOU!!!
Was in a brief relationship in the past with my ex.. i screwed up really bad so he left me. After some time I apologized n he said he forgave me n he even gave me back his number. After 2 years he messaged me all of a sudden saying hes gonna give me a 2nd chance.. was happy but he disappeared for a month n to my surprise he got with another girl n ensured i saw by viewing my posts on social media. Tht was his revenge. This as been going on for more than a year..cnt say i dnt deserve it but even now he seems set on hurting me. He got the girl pregnant. I dnt know wht to make of this situation… why is he still doing this? Ud think tht after 2 years he’d move on n focus on his new girl but no.. hes set on hurting me n making me jealous.
Hi Sarah.
Your emotional well-being is your responsibility.
If he’s after you as you say, distance yourself and delete or unfollow him on social media.
Protect yourself at all cost and you’ll be alright.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex of 6 years left me 10 months ago. For 6 months we still dated twice a week, untill I found out he is seeing a woman 10 years older. He blocked me on everything, then he unblocked me and we started talking every day again. Untill I bombarded him and wanted more. We had a huge fight a week ago and he has said the most hurtful words, he wont sit and talk to me all he says is give me space and I’ll be in touch. I am really struggling, I am so ill. It hurts to breathe, especially him being with this woman, he has moved in to her flat after 4 weeks!! I know she isnt the one for him and I cant give up on us I know we can get through this but every time I make contact he goes mad saying if we are gonna fix it needs to be naturally not on my terms.. its been 1 week now. I am really struggling. In 10 months this is the longest Ive gone. Everyone is saying give him time to miss you and realise what hes losing! Shall I carry on and stick at it ?
Hi Abbi.
Your ex has given you golden advice about what you need to do.
Wait for him and don’t force him to hate you.
Stay in no contact and let his relationship go down its course.
And if he still likes you when their relationship ends, you will hear from him and might be able to rebuild your broken relationship.
Best,
Zan
This is super helpful! My ex is in a relationship with someone who also just finish a relationship, like a double rebound I guess. Would that make things worse for them?
Hi Charlie.
A double rebound sounds catastrophic. 😲
It certainly can’t be good!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
I was with my ex 5 years. We broke up 14 mos ago but we are in constant contact due to business. She startedtalking with an ex friend 2 weeks later snd got together last October but they broke up in December. We started tslking again but I couldnt get over the resentment. We fought a lot. Come feb 13,2019 She tells me shes back with him after lying that she stopped talking to him. They break up again and we talk.
I felt something wrong so I set a trap and she was caught. She admitted shes back with him and loves him. 3x this shit happens. She betrsyed me by telling this guy what i said snd it led to fights between us guys.
Why does she keep doing this? What the hell do I do?
Hi Jay.
She is more attracted to him than you at the moment.
I suggest you give up on her for now or she will continue jumping back and forth.
Best,
Zan
Well. My ex finished his rebound relationship (with his co-worker that is the total opposite of me) to start a LDR. I mean wth! he left me because he couldn’t stand a LDR! And now the same thing. Two years after he left me with a broken heart, now he starts a new LDR (with a girl that look pretty much like me!). I need some clarity pls.
My life has changed a lot this last two years, I learned languages, traveled a lot and started the medicine school. In other words I’m working on myself. Even I still love him, I will not break the no contact rule. His last message two years ago on my B-day was to wish me luck and asked me for friendship…how could he asked for friendship after he overlapped our relationship with his coworker?.
So here is my question. Any chance he comes back? I would like to see his face once again and reply: no hell.
Thank you!
Hi Confused.
He got attracted to his coworker and left you because of GIGS; the grass is greener syndrome.
He could come back, but if you want him to return just so you can say “no” then you may as well forget about him now.
Kind regards,
Zan
It would be nice to consider the situation where the dumpee also finds a new perhaps rebound relationship.
The dumpee still has feelings for the ex, that will remain so perhaps even a year. The dumpee is open about it towards the new one.
Hey
I broke uo with ex on 29 march
But on 15Aug we talked
And i was again getting crazy about him
Again i fell in love with her
But on 5sep she is in relationship with another guy
What shoukd i do now
She said me you were late
Now i can’t do anything
Hi Zan,
I’ll try and keep it short and hope you can give me some advice.
I was dating my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s older (will be 50 next year) and I’m mid 30s.
Anyway, basically just over 2 months ago he broke up with me. No definitive reasons. Just didn’t want this anymore.
I managed to get him to admit to me he had been dating someone else for a while. I predict about 2 months before he ended it (from his behaviour).
So it seemed he left me for her. Although he insisted he was single and she is not his girlfriend as yet.
I managed to go NC for 2 months. I then broke no contact by calli him for advice about something. He seemed normal and chatty and happy to help me. He even made a point of saying he still cared about me.
I didn’t bring up the breakup or the past and I didn’t ask him if he is still seeing this new girl.
It didn’t seem like he missed me at all and it’s been a few days since.
I am pretty sure he is still seeing her possibly weekly but still no change on his social media and still shows single.
One of his mutual friends didn’t seem to know about this girl either.
So the fact he is taking it slow with her… is this a bad sign?
He seemed friendly when we spoke so there is no hard feelings it seems. But maybe that’s worse?
Apart from going back to NC, do you have any advice?
I really do miss him and would love to up my chances of him reaching out one day.
Many thanks.
Hi Limiya.
As long as he’s with this girl, you won’t be able to crawl back into his heart. You likely already know that, so keep your dignity and stay in NC for as long as you need to.
Love takes time to develop so I can’t say how quickly his relationship will become serious. But I’d say that if it lasts longer than 6 months, then it’s likely working out for them.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zan,
My ex of almost 10 years left me two weeks ago. He told me he needed time to find himself. However the other night I found out he has been on a date with another woman. It hasn’t even been two weeks. They are constantly flirting on social media too which by the way he has never used social media the entire time we were dating. The girl he is talking with is a mutual friend to his best friend and his girlfriend. I know they are pushing this relationship to work. Is this a rebound relationship? I am in complete shock. Our mutual friends are in shock and never thought he would move on this fast. Is there any chance of getting him back?
Hi Sadie.
I think it’s a loss of attraction due to GIGS.
If their relationship fails miserably, then he might come running back.
Stay strong and focus on yourself in the meantime as it’s the only way you can recover from this ordeal.
Best wishes,
Zan
Hey Zan,
My ex and I were together for 1 1/2 years and she broke up with me almost 2 months ago now because she was “unhappy” and “didn’t see a future with me.” I didn’t lose my cool and kept calm when she did it and I tried to convince her this isn’t right. There were absolutely no signs that could’ve alluded to her leaving. She planned herself a trip to Disney with me in October just 4 days before she left.
She was experiencing changes in her life all at once. Her home life was rough a lot of arguing and she wasn’t allowed to see me because of her dad for a whole month. Kinda weird grounding a 19 year old. She had enough and moved out and left me in the process.
We ended up seeing each other 2 weeks after the breakup and I explained myself and she was very emotional and holding me tightly but said there was someone else. She changed her answer to “I’ll think about it.” We ended up kissing and she mentioned having a baby with me and said how happy I make her and genuinely meant it. We ended up having sex and I went home feeling great like I had it in the bag.
Next week she goes with the other guy on a trip to a city 5 hours away. She comes home and I called her and she said how happy I make her and how much she loves me and my family. Our talking started to fade she wasn’t saying she loves me as much or giving me as long of answers anymore. She goes back to the same place they went a week later and says she’s with her new boyfriend and I left it on read and she asked if I was okay and I said I’m fine (obviously not).
She comes back and I say we need to meet and talk and she agreed but won’t give me a date. I wait a few days and she seems more eager to see me and planned to see me a week earlier than what I proposed. She gets cold feet on that day (seemingly anxious) so we plan for 4 days later. I’ve been not contacting her this whole time going 3-4 days without any contact.
That day we meet comes and she said she can’t stay long because her boyfriends staying with her. She wasn’t showing any emotion towards me and I gave her a book I was working on for the last 5 months for our 2 year anniversary when I was going to propose. She was genuinely surprised and was gently turning each page saying she wants to read it more thoroughly later. I then gave her a letter I wrote her and one my mom wrote her and she was crying pretty hard. I gave it all to her and she hugged me and left with her boyfriend. The next morning I was devastated and she texted me making sure I made it home okay.
A week goes by and she’s posting very depressing stuff and I saw where they break up. I took my chance and being subtle saying I’m checking on her and she responds pretty vague but asks how I was doing and ended the conversation. Ever since we broke up she’s been out partying, drinking, going everywhere and not really being herself. I can tell she’s sad. After posting about a party that weekend she sent me a picture of her with nostalgia. I responded and she just left me on read. A week later she posts a picture with that guy she broke up with 2 weeks ago and it destroyed me. I initiated no contact and I can tell she’s still not happy even posting pictures with the guy it looks like she’s trying to smile.
I want to wait on her because I genuinely love and care for her and believe she’s made a mistake. I’ve been improving myself and being a better person and everyone that knows her and knows how I am really believe it’s not over. Yes she’s hurt me immensely, but she’s honestly the one I want. I was very good to her and she lives an hour away and I drove at least once a week to go see her and take her to the places she wanted, bought her the things she wanted and gave her a ton of love and affection which she loves. Is this GIGS or a rebound relationship. I think she’s very confused but I’d like your input.
Hi, crownthx.
She probably met this person while she was dating you. So if that’s the case, she lacked a lot of self-control and cheated on you.
What you must do is be your best self and leave her alone. Once her new relationship starts having issues, you will most likely hear from her. Don’t mention getting back together. She will do so herself once/if she wants to.
And if that happens, I suggest you get her the help she needs.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I was in a weirder situation. Me and my girlfriend were together for a year and a half, very good friends before that.
We broke up in January but had a huge holiday booked for 6 and a half weeks. She said she had no interest in dating anyone else. For the first few months things still happened between us, but then she decided she wanted that to stop. We remained friends and she then started dating a co worker who recently moved away and was the classic “he’s nothing to worry about” person when we were together. She kept saying it was just casual. Now we are on the holiday it has turned out it is serious and at times I haven’t reacted the best to seeing things.
I am going to implement no contact when I am gone, but is there anything I can do before that?
Thanks
Greg
Hi Zan,
Great post!
I was with my ex for 4 years; we lived together the last two. We loved each other immensely and even when he broke up with me he said he still loved me and never stopped. We went thru some issues the last year of our relationship, a lot of which stemmed from work-related depression and issues encroaching into our personal lives.
When he broke up with me and moved out, he continued to reach out and talk to me, as well as leave things behind so he had to keep coming back to get them and see me. He would be nostalgic, say he missed things we did and said, etc… but when trying to work on things together came up he basically believed we both needed to work on things separately. We are since entirely moved out and each in our own spaces. I have implemented no contact since our lease ended, since we had to speak during thar time.
I’ve since been taking care of myself and reflecting on the faults I added to the relationship as well as my own self-care.
Now, my question is: should I maintain no contact (it’s only been a week or so). Additionally, IMMEDIATELY after we broke up, he started reaching out to an ex girlfriend he dated before me, but was still contacting me. (They were together 2 years on and off, but the reason for their breakup hasnt changed. I also know their relationship was not as deep as ours, as he said he neither loved her as much as me nor did they become best friends. She is very “small-town” which is what he does not want and led to their breakup originally. He wanted to grow and she did not, and still does not). Now, my second and main question is: is this still considered a rebound? Do men commonly rebound with women from their past? If so, are your strategies the same? Mdeve
my ex boyfriend and i are co-workers. He left me for somebody else and as i do the NC and so decided to move on from all of these, my ex would bring his girlfriend to our office. I am trying not to get affected but really it shows how disrespectful these two are. Any suggestions how i should handle the situation?
Hi Cora.
They are being incredibly disrespectful. When you see the two of them together, distract yourself so you don’t have to see what you don’t like. Talk to someone in your office, make a phone call, listen to music, play solitaire, send an email, do online shopping. Anything that gets you busy and takes your mind off them is a good idea.
Kind regards,
Zan
Good post! I’m a guy and have been split up with my ex of 2 years for a little over 3 months now. She began dating someone about 1.5 months after we broke up. I did contact her once with a written letter not asking to get back but acknowledging my mistakes, and telling her how I have been working to get better. She texted me asking if we could talk a few days later. She called and told me she had a boyfriend and that I should move on and thanked me for the letter. She had her new guy listening to our conversation because “she didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable” about us talking. I asked if we could talk privately, she said no. I told her I didn’t want to interfere with her relationship, and that she had asked to talk to me. She insisted she couldn’t I kind tried to keep asking her if she would talk privately and I may have crossed the line a bit into begging and getting angry a bit (told her it sounded like there are some trust issues for them to work out) I ended the conversation and texted her that I was shocked that he didn’t trust her enough to speak with me, after all she has asked to talk to me. I sent her a few more texts basically just saying that I wish we could talk, and that I felt that her actions were rude towards me, reminding her that I went above and beyond in the relationship by helping her when her 6 year old son was hospitalized for mental illness, and that I thought I’d at least earned 5 minutes of her trust and respect.
She called me about 10-15 minutes later we spoke for maybe 10 minutes privately where I asked if we could set aside our differences and continue on as friends. She said sure so long as I understood that if I contacted her she wouldn’t be able to talk out of respect for her new relationship. I politely declined that offer. I did tell her a few things mainly how I attributed our break up to us not resolving our differences (we had about a three month break where I broke up with her from Dec to Early March, the break up I am referring to earlier was at the end of June) I told her that it is a shame it had to come to this for me to improve, and that I know she still had strong feelings for me (she scoffed at that and said she didn’t in an angry tone). I told her exes could be friends as I am now on friendly non-romantic terms with one of my previous exes before her (she gasped at that) I ended the call telling her that I did think of our relationship as being serious and that it was my intention all along to eventually marry her.
After the call I sent her a final text telling her I appreciated her time, thanking her, letting her know the door for friendship is open if she changes her mind, and that I wanted to send one last good text so I have a fond memory of her. My last line was telling her I wish her the best. No response from her since that evening now almost a months and a half later.
I have seen her driving around town but that’s it. She is still with her new boyfriend for about 2 months now, no idea how it is going, don’t really try to know either. A friend told me that she was recently distant and sad, however the same friend told me that they are still together. I believe they may have been on poor terms for a week or so as I can still see her Facebook profile picture in messenger ans she changed it from him and her to just her for about 3 weeks. But all that’s really speculative and could just be coincidence with her seeming sad. They are still together as her picture Is back to him and her, and they were at a mutual friends wedding together this past weekend.
Like I said I have only contacted her once in the past 3 months about a month and a half ago, nothing from her since. I am on the fence if I would want her back as I believe she suffers mildly from Borderline disorder and anxiety. Our breakup was not the best, she did it over text and i responded angrily.
I know this is a lot of text, lol my thumbs are very tired, I hope that if anything my story serves an example to someone in a similar situation and what not to do.
This all being said: Did i screw this up irreparably? Any advice on what to do?
Thank you!
Hi Jacob.
I apologize in advance if I may sound like I’m criticizing you. I sincerely hope you recognize some of the mistakes you’ve been making, and stop doing them immediately. Doing so will significantly increase your chances of reconciliation.
Your story is a great example for those who believe the time prior to the break-up is more prominent than the time after the break-up.
I’m very happy about the fact that you are acknowledging your faults and have taken the time to resolve them. Since your ex doesn’t quite feel the same, she instead chose to carry on, and jumped into another relationship with the “it’s you, not me” mentality.
The letter does work sometimes (such as in your case), as long as you don’t completely obliterate your chances by getting emotionally overwhelmed by resorting to anger, depression, threats right after the break-up. The letter is a subtle way to tell your ex that you aren’t trying to win him or her back, and that you wish to be on “friendly” terms in the future. You also tell your ex that the break-up has taught you a few useful lessons and that you have your emotions under control.
In my honest opinion, you have made a few little mistakes already (but then again, who doesn’t?) Try not to get angry next time and tell her you wish her all the best. You also said you don’t want to interfere with her relationship, and that’s very noble of you. Try to match the words with your actions as well. Don’t ask her to speak privately, because you know she would be going against her own moral principles to speak behind her new boyfriend. She wants to be trustworthy. If you ever get back with her, you can rest assured she has that quality, and feel much more secure knowing it won’t happen to you.
Also, she knows how you contributed to her relationship. Try not to have certain expectations of her by trying to make her feel guilty, as if she owes you. You merely helped her son, because you’re an amazing person, and you don’t expect anything in return. Yes, it would be nice if you were shown appreciation and respect in return, but asking for it will make her respect you less, and hate you more.
I wouldn’t ask to be friends with her. Settling for anything else than what you’re prepared to bargain for is disgraceful. It’s going to hurt you listening to her talk about her new partner. Distance yourself instead, and continue working on yourself. The time will come when they hit a rough patch, and you will seem like a better option. Stop telling her how you want to marry her and give her the world. She doesn’t deserve it right now, so give great things to yourself instead.
You haven’t screwed it up. You’re on the back-burner right now, and she knows that. Focus on moving on and being happy without her. That will indirectly invalidate her. She’s tired of breaking-up and getting back together. Doing so more than once in my opinion doesn’t work out in the long run. BUT, because you are actually taking the time to become a better person, I believe your chances are pretty high. Reduce the amount of mistakes you are making when you interact with her by simply asking yourself “is this the right thing to say and do? Is it going to help me in the long run?”
You should stay in no contact and wait for the relationship to start falling apart. When she willingly reaches out to you is when your relationship flaws need to be sorted out, so waste not a second and take this time to yourself seriously. She will probably contact you when she misses the things you provided for her. Your worth is something only you are aware of at the moment. She needs time to realize what you bring to the table, and it starts with you respecting yourself.
Your biggest challenge will be patience and finding a way to showcase your improvement through actions. I say you indirectly show her what you’re capable of by using social media. Just don’t overdo it 🙂
Yours truly,
Zan
Thanks Zan! No worries about the criticism, I didn’t handle the break up well and got angry, but that’s in the past. Nothing to be done.
I haven’t contacted her at all or spoken to her in the past 1.5 months since the phone call after the letter. I do see her from time to time driving around, but that’s it. Overall no contact with the exception of the one call in the past 3 months. They’ve been together about 2 months now I suppose. She did move really fast with him, as they were bf/gf after the second date. Took us a few months to do that.
She’s the anxious type so I’m not surprised really that she jumped into a new relationship, she can’t stand to be on her own.
She did block me on all social media, though I never tried to contact her through it or in any other way other than the letter and her asking to speak to me after she got it. So not sure how much a social media campaign may help, inwasnt active in the relationship on social media, and for a bit afterwards I was posting something fun I was doing maybe once a week, haven’t posted in a few weeks as I felt it was fake.
So yeah overall no contact except the once. Any ideas about what kind of things to post in social media to showcase changes? Maybe a good article opportunity there for you!
Thanks for your insight!
Jacob
Hi again Jacob.
I’m glad you are able to take the positive criticism so gracefully. You’re most definitely right about not worrying about the past. The old you doesn’t have to be the new you.
If you’re going to start a social media campaign, do it little by little. Start by posting once a week, and slowly move on to twice a week (I wouldn’t do it more often than that. There’s only so much you have to tell the world).
That said, post as frequently as it seems natural to you. If you’re the type without even a profile picture, be very careful how you approach this. Since it’s been three months, it’s time for you to have a few upgrades. Post only the best of the best at first, as you want to show people how amazing you’ve been. This includes accomplishments, improvements, life changes, well-being. In other words, you want to post pics with new friends, new hobbies, improved physical state, hanging out with the opposite gender (get tagged), anything fresh and positive that shows you are unaffected by the break-up.
Your ex is rebounding, so you have to allow her relationship to run its course. During this time you should perfect your life as much as possible to make as many positive changes as possible. There’s really no end goal here, as there is always something to work on.
I encourage you to dig deeper and not forget about your mental and emotional improvement. These are the hardest to prove merely through pictures. Perhaps you will find a way to break bad behavioural patterns and show her as well.
Now that you are aware of some of the mistakes you’ve made, it’s time you put a stop to them, and leave them in the past. It’s okay to feel angry sometimes, as it serves to let out the steam. It won’t help you get back with her though. You have got to appear unhurt by her jabs, and put on a big smile instead. Happiness is attractive, anger and negativity is repelling. Same goes for you ex. If she can see how her actions have no effect on you, she will eventually want to know where your happiness comes from.
It’s hard to gain such control over emotions under normal circumstances. This is the reason why it’s a huge misconception to believe that people don’t change. The ones with a weak motivator behind the reasons to change, surely don’t.
Break-ups though, are highly emotional states that can help you achieve great things. Desperation can take you far if you are prepared to use it to your advantage.
Observe your thoughts, feelings and actions for a day. You will notice they are all interconnected and strongly reliant on one another. Each and every day can be a lesson to you. You can quickly begin to correct your unwanted demeanour by asking yourself the following questions when you feel overwhelmed “why am I feeling this way? How is feeling angry/sad/depressed going to help me achieve my goal? What can I do right now to feel better?” These are simple, yet extremely functional questions that will ease your anxiety in any given situation. With enough practice, you develop great self-awareness for your brain to automatically seek pleasure and avoid pain.
Self-improvement is key to any successful reconciliation. The focus has to be brought upon you. Your existence is called “your life” not your ex’s life for a reason. Once she feels she is no longer a priority, her ego is going to hurt, whilst yours is going to bloom. This imbalance of value between the two of could serve you greatly if you still wish to patch it up when she is ready. When that happens, chances are, you won’t be feeling the same way.
Zan
Hi Zan, Me again! Your blog is awesome btw! I’m curious, Would you consider this scenario, which I’m about to explain, a rebound? And why?
Guy with girlfriend meets new girl on FB group. New girl pays guy a lot of attention which guy is flattered about. Guy meets new girl in person finally and then decides to dump his long-term girlfriend and enters into relationship with new girl 10 days after his breakup. Is this new girl a rebound? Wouldn’t it be considered more of an affair since new girl and guy were engaged in an emotional affair (online flirting) while guy and his now ex-girlfriend were still in a relationship?
Would love your thoughts on this! Thanks Zan!
Sorry, I should have added that guy and new girl were “talking” for a couple of months before meeting in person.
Hi there, and thank you for your kind words.
A rebound relationship is just a term, used when a broken-hearted person is looking for a quick fix.
In your described situation it’s more of a GIGS. The guy slowly detached from his long-term partner and entered a new relationship once he felt more attracted to the new person
He feels like this new girl is going to be more emotionally-fulfilling than his long-term gf. As mentioned in the article, people take for granted things they’ve had for a while. That’s why it’s important to express gratitude when in a relationship with your loved one.
Needless to say, the guy’d been emotionally cheating until he wanted to get physically involved as well. He kept stringing this girl along for months, till he was sure he could monkey branch from her onto a new girl. Why let go of something while it’s still of use to you, right?
Relationships are tough, and this new girl is going to bring her own problems to the table. Because people are habitual beings, chances are the guy is going to do the same with another girl in the future. Honestly, he’s got some serious personal-improvement to do. Knowing that this could happen to the new girl at any time in the future, isn’t the most relaxing feeling for her. If I were her, I wouldn’t feel content with myself nor at ease.
Hope my opinion helps,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Your articles are really eye opening and amazing. These articles help me understand my situation more and also help me on how I can improve myself. I just want to know what is the difference of a rebound and left for someone else. Can you make an article specific for “partner left you for someone else”. Thanks in advance for the great information you are sharing to people like us who are in deep depression and hard times.
Hi Chiller,
Thank you very much for your encouragment. You’re the best!
Technically, a rebound relationship is the relationship that follows shortly after a long-term relationship. It’s meant for the dumper or the dumpee to mend the wounds and feel desired again.
When your ex jumps into another relationship shortly after leaving a long-term relationship, he or she puts a lot of hope in the next relationship. Your ex partner puts everything in this new relationship without dealing with all the past issues, so it normally quickly backfires, leaving your ex more wounded than before when things don’t go as planned. Suddenly there are two failed relationships to digest, and it can be a lot to cope for some people.
When someone leaves you for another person, a similar concept applies. The new person is seen as a person of higher value at the beginning — hence the decision to leave you. When his or her dreams don’t manifest, and the new rebound person is full of flaws, your ex comes to a realization.
Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to the new person. It’s self-destructive, so instead compete with the old and the future you. Try to leave the old you in the dust.
I hope this brought some clarity. I’ll write an article titled, “my ex left me for someone else” next. Thank you for the recommendation!