How long you should stay single after a breakup depends on how attached you are to your ex and your ability to process the separation. Some dumpees don’t get attached much and get over their ex in a matter of weeks. They have very little mourning to do because they don’t put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak.
They have a good life outside of the relationship, a fulfilling job, know their purpose in life, and have no trust issues or fears of commitment to deal with.
As for dumpees who were codependent on their ex and those who went all-in with their ex, they tend to need at least a year to process the breakup. They often need twice that long because they need to get their ex out of their system, let go of hope, and focus on areas of their life they aren’t happy with.
When they make the necessary emotional progress, they detach from their ex and heal to the point where they can start dating again.
But to heal and detach, dumpees need to avoid dating other people. If they try to have a meaningful relationship with someone else too soon (within a few months of a breakup), they almost always rebound. A rebound is when a person (usually a dumpee) is emotionally incapable of investing in another person but tries to do so anyway.
This forces the dumpee to feel unfulfilled, triggers another breakup, and causes the dumpee to miss his or her ex even more. Oftentimes, the dumpee then becomes convinced that the dumper was the best partner he/she ever had instead of acknowledging that unhappiness, separation anxiety, fears, and destroyed self-esteem are blocking their rational thinking.
No detached, busy, and confident person would ever think that the dumper is perfect and the best person in the world for them. But sadly, most dumpees do just that. They obsess over a person who dumps them, mistreats them, and has nothing of value to offer to them.
Dumpees do this because they put their ex on a pedestal and perceive themselves as unattractive, undesirable, and worthless individuals. They completely forget that their worth has nothing to do with their ex as they are the ones who determine their worth. Their ex just confirms it.
And because their ex plays such an important role in their life, they suffer a lot and need to find a way to demote their ex. They basically need to detach because the moment they do, they stop caring about what their ex thinks and does.
They can just focus on themselves and those who mean something to them.
While you’re healing, remember that as a dumpee, you should avoid dating other people for AT LEAST a few months. I can’t say exactly how long you should wait because I don’t know you. But do keep in mind that healing depends mainly on your attachment to your ex, your ability to let go, and the length and intensity of the relationship.
If you had a crush on someone and got dumped after two dates, you probably won’t need a year to recover. A week or two of self-prioritization should suffice.
But if you were with your ex for 10 years, then you’ll likely need to stay off Tinder for at least a year. You probably won’t be fully healed at the 12-month mark, but you will make enough emotional progress to get to know some people and feel attractive again.
Breakups take time to process. The more invested you were in the relationship and the more you admired your ex, the longer it will take you to heal. Some dumpees realize that investment leads to attachment and painful heartbreak, so they develop trust issues and stop themselves from getting closer to new people.
Such people seldom have successful romantic relationships as they’re too scared of giving it their all.
Anyway, if you want to know how long should you stay single after a breakup, the simple answer is that you should stay single for as long as your heart craves your ex. If you think about your ex more than 50 times a day (even if 1 thought lasts 10 seconds), you probably aren’t ready to start a relationship with someone else.
You’re ready to learn from the breakup and regain your independence.
You’ll have plenty of time to date when your ex no longer occupies your mind 24/7. In the meantime, work on yourself and be patient so that you and your new (potential) partner don’t struggle to understand each other and bond.
Today, we’ll discuss how long should you stay single after a breakup. We’ll talk about how dumpees can tell they’re ready and how long dumpers should stay single.
How long should you stay single after a breakup?
You should stay single until you’ve become emotionally independent, stopped obsessing over your ex, improved your self-esteem, learned your relationship/breakup lessons, got comfortable living alone, and discovered the perks of being single.
Staying single is considered a weakness in today’s society, but it’s anything but. People need to get comfortable being single and learn to enjoy their own company. I know it sounds strange, but by appreciating themselves, they can develop inner peace, grow as individuals, and have something to offer to their romantic partners.
Those who rush from one relationship to the next don’t reflect on the breakup, realize where they went wrong, and make the necessary changes. They just think they met the wrong person and that they should keep looking until they find the one.
Although that is sometimes the right thing to do, it’s also true that every breakup is an opportunity to become a better version of yourself. If you waste that opportunity by dating other people, you’ll bring the same flaws and problems into the next relationship.
Essentially, you’ll repeat the same mistakes and suffer a similar fate. If you don’t want that to happen, you should disconnect from your ex and take a break from dating. Focus on being okay with yourself.
If you’re feeling lonely, anxious, comparing yourself to others, or afraid of wasting a chance to have kids, that’s not a good reason to look for a person to settle down with.
If you’re in a rush to be with someone new who can give you what you badly crave, you’ll put immense pressure on the other person and risk breaking up. Another breakup will then reopen your wounds and perhaps even trigger your depression.
The worst thing about it is that it will take you much longer to get what you’re looking for.
So don’t look for someone to be with to fill the void in your heart. Take the time to heal first and get comfortable with yourself. When you’re at peace with yourself, you’ll be in the best position you can be to start a relationship that makes it past the infatuation stage.
That relationship will last longer than a relationship that has no purpose to exist.
The question of how long you should stay single after a breakup can’t be answered easily because it also depends on what you’re doing after the breakup. If you’re making various post-breakup mistakes such as staying in touch with your ex, begging your ex for another chance, getting angry with your ex, and taking revenge on your ex, you’re obviously not doing the right things.
Instead of shutting your ex out of your life, practicing self-love, and detaching, you’re relying on your ex for healing. This makes you more obsessed with your ex and severely slows down and complicates your recovery process. Breakup mistakes give you hope and destroy your hope—and may delay your recovery by a year or longer.
You can’t expect to become emotionally ready for a new relationship if you make your ex’s life difficult or conversely, pretend to be friends with your ex. You can expect to stay hung up on your ex for a long time.
Therefore, you should stay single after a breakup for as long as you feel that you’re gravitating toward your ex and that you need your ex to validate you and complete you. Once you stop thinking about your ex, dreaming about your ex, and having days when you miss your ex, you can start getting to know other people and see how you feel about them.
Deep inside, you’ll know if or when you’re ready for another serious commitment. You’ll know if you’re willing to be open, honest, and vulnerable again. Your emotions will tell you what kind of relationship you’re ready to have.
If you want a casual relationship, you’ll feel that you can’t give another person your time and emotions. You’ll still be recovering, which is why you’ll mainly just want some company. You should be honest with your new partner about your intentions so your partner knows this relationship has a decent chance of not working out.
If you want a serious relationship, you’ll feel that you feel excited to give and receive love. You’ll be over or almost over your ex and will open your heart up to new romantic opportunities. No longer will you have obsessive ex-thoughts and wonder what your ex is thinking and feeling. You’ll be at peace and won’t care about any of that.
And if you’re not sure what you want or don’t want, you’ll be in a state of confusion/figuring things out and shouldn’t be dating yet. You should be working on yourself and spending your free time with friends and family, rather than with romantic partners.
Your loved ones will keep you busy for a while and show you that you don’t need a romantic partner to be happy.
Here are my tips on how long should you stay single after a breakup.
Now that you know you should stay single for as long as you have things to work on or feelings for your ex to get rid of, make sure not to rely on others for healing. If you ignore this advice, you won’t just string people along, but you’ll also get hurt when you realize that other people aren’t your ex.
You’ll basically sabotage your healing and make things difficult for everyone.
How long should dumpers stay single after a breakup?
Although most dumpers are emotionally capable of starting new relationships right away, they should refrain from doing so. Dumpers should stay single at least for a few months so they can also reflect on the end of the relationship and make some necessary changes.
Dumpers may look happy and relieved, but they have things to work on as well. The breakup is a great opportunity for them to evolve as romantic partners and people. But sadly, not many dumpers see the need to do that. Many of them think of themselves as victims and blame their ex for the end of the relationship.
Such dumpers especially need to stay single and work on themselves. They shouldn’t ignore their shortcomings and blame their ex for everything. Taking responsibility is necessary for their growth.
Another reason why dumpers should stay single and not post their new relationships on social media is that they need to be mindful of their ex.
They should always keep in mind that their ex is checking up on them and that their ex isn’t ready to see them with other people. If their ex sees they’re dating, their ex gets extremely anxious and starts putting himself or herself down.
Dumpers who think they have the right to date right after the breakup don’t have any sympathy or respect for their ex. They put their emotional and sexual gratifications before their ex’s suffering and let their ex deal with his or her problems alone.
In their mind, it’s their life—and they can do what they want with it.
So if you left your ex and you know your ex is struggling to cope with the breakup, don’t jump back into the dating pool the moment you can. Put yourself in your ex’s shoes and imagine how you’d feel if someone you loved monkey-branched into someone else’s arms.
Chances are you’d be devastated and feel betrayed.
And so would your ex. He or she would see that you have no respect for those you no longer need in your life.
So respect your ex’s feelings and commitment to you by not making your ex’s anxiety shoot through the roof. Do it for the sake of your moral values and out of respect for your ex.
How long you should stay single after a breakup strongly depends on how many things you need to work on and what your relationship is like with your ex. If you talk all the time (which you shouldn’t), you should stay single for more than a few months because your ex will continue to get hope from you and need longer to heal.
But if you don’t talk anymore, then a few months or so of being single should be okay. Just make sure your ex doesn’t find out about it. Don’t post it on social media or share it with people your ex associates with.
How long do you think you should stay single after a breakup? Do you think a few months of staying single are enough? Share your thoughts below the post. We’d love to hear your opinion/experience.
And if you want to talk to us about your single post-breakup life, click here to learn more.
I find that having sex with the new women helps me get over my ex.
Hi tcnyny.
If it helps, it helps. Just be honest with them from the start.
Sincerely,
Zan
“Dumpers who think they have the right to date right after the breakup don’t have any sympathy or respect for their ex…. In their mind, it’s their life—and they can do what they want with it.”
Um, that’s because THEY CAN. The breakup represents a severance of emotional obligations, and it cuts both ways. The dumpee has no right to expect continued loyalty from someone who broke up with them and, in doing so, relieved them of their own loyalty. It would be one thing if a dumper rubbed their ex’s face in their new sex life, but if they go about it quietly and privately, there’s nothing for the dumpee to see. It would also be one thing if they jumped right into a new serious relationship, but if they’re just dating casually, they’re taking advantage of the opportunity to learn and grow without making the same mistakes right away. I don’t know how dumpees can expect to detach properly if they think the dumper still owes them anything.
Seeing many of your responses Jaycie, wouldnt you be a dumper by all means? 🙂
I think your responses make sense in general, it’s just that sometimes, dumpees will find it excruciating to see someone they’re still in love with, discard them and forget about them instantaneously, having sex with other individuals as if nothing mattered.
Just my 2 cents
Tim
To be honest, Tim, nobody’s ever dumped me. But I did dump a guy who just didn’t care enough, and I was very hurt when he hooked up with a friend of mine weeks later. That didn’t mean he forfeited the right to make that decision for himself. He was free, and so was I. I agree that it’s in everyone’s best interests for the dumper to be discreet about these things, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t date or hook up at all for the dumpee’s sake.
Agreed, however, I think, and this is only my personal opinion, that when you dump someone, you can show a bit of respect by taking a bit of time to hook up with the next person.
There’s no rule about how long but to me, if you truly cared about your dumpee, you would show some empathy by taking a bit of time for yourself, except if the reason for breaking up is that you wanted to see what’s out there, but even here, I find it a bit out of place.
Also, maybe you’ll change your mind if you ever get dumped 😉 Sometimes it changes your perspective.
Tim
Dumpers usually have someone else on the line while they’re still with you
Yeah sometimes, not always tho, I wouldn’t generalize, let’s ask Jaycie 🙂 since she never was dumped.. Jaycie, did you have someone lined up already ? Or at least a guy who got you curious ?
Nope, nobody. I did have a (likely one-sided) crush on a guy some time before the breakup, but he got a new girlfriend in the interim.
After the skimming through some of your posts on various articles, I’m curious. Why are you so interested in countering Zan’s perspective? You were never a dumpee and majority of your points, he doesn’t even disagree with. For this example until you get dumped and/or blindsided with flimsy reason and then find out your ex was having sex with other people hours to days later. I don’t think you’ll viscerally FEEL why he words things for dumpees the way he does.