Many girls scratch their heads and wonder why guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends. They can’t figure out if guys want to be their friends, friends with benefits, or if they just want to be on talking terms with them.
From what I see, the reason why guys stay in touch after the breakup varies for each person.
Some guys like to stay in touch because they have fond memories of the relationship, some because they’re attached to their exes, some because they want a friend to talk to, and others because they want to have sex with their exes and act like they’re in a relationship.
It’d be wrong for me to say that all guys talk to ex-girlfriends just to use them and string them along because most guys actually have no idea what staying in touch with their ex does to their ex emotionally.
They seem to think that they’re being friendly and/or that they’re doing their ex a favor when in reality, they’re giving their ex false hope and hindering their ex from making a full recovery.
If you can’t figure out why guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends, try to read the guys’ intentions by analyzing their approach (how they reach out), words they use (the things they say or don’t say), emojis they use, emotions they express (sadness, nostalgia, pain, depression, excitement, boredom), and the things they like, request, and long for.
Behind every action and inaction, there is a rational or emotional incentive. If you learn your ex’s incentive, you should be able to determine if the guy in question is reaching out for you (assuming you’re his ex) or for himself.
From that point on, you should be able to determine if he wants you back or just wants to be friends and pretend that the breakup never happened.
In this post, we’ll answer the question “Why do guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends?”
Why do guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends?
If you’re trying to understand why guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends, you need to know that guys usually reach out and stay in touch with exes to breadcrumb them. Breadcrumbing means that they send random (often selfish and meaningless) texts or calls that do more harm than good.
The reason why breadcrumbs from dumpers are bad is that they raise their exes’ expectations of getting another shot at the relationship and hurt them when those expectations fail to manifest.
Most guys aren’t evil as they don’t hurt their exes on purpose. They just lack breakup experience (sometimes even empathy) and merely do what’s best for them without considering that their “friendliness” has a negative effect on their exes.
Many guys (especially those who haven’t been broken up with or haven’t suffered badly) don’t know how it feels to receive texts and calls from an ex-partner. They never suffered that badly from their exes and quite frankly, never thought about how it must feel to be in their exes’ shoes.
Moreover, there are also guys out there who think their ex owes them friendship, explanations, or some kind of post-breakup truce. Such guys don’t understand that dumpees need to distance themselves from the source of pain and find happiness within themselves before they can decide if they want to be friends.
Guys just don’t understand that they’re of little to no use to their dumpees after the breakup and that they shouldn’t get offended if their exes need some space to heal.
Most guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends not because they love them and want them back, but because they want to keep their exes in their lives. They want to be their friends (or even best friends) so they can talk to them whenever they feel alone or unhappy.
When do ex-boyfriends get in touch?
It’s no secret that guys and women (exes in general) tend to reach out the most when they encounter personal challenges.
This is because challenges affect their emotional states and force them to reach out to obtain something or conversely, to get rid of something.
When they reach out to obtain something, they seek:
- validation
- support
- information
- closure
And when they reach out to get rid of something, they seek to get rid of:
- guilt
- feelings of nostalgia
- unprocessed feelings (anger, resentment, pain, attachment)
- sadness and depression
As you can see, most guys’ reasons for reaching out are of emotional nature. Only those guys who are bored or happy with their lives reach out for rational reasons.
But even those reach outs can be considered as mere breadcrumbs that usually don’t lead anywhere.
So if you’re still wondering why guys contact their ex-girlfriends out of the blue, bear in mind that guys know that their exes used to be good support systems to them in the past. They know that they can rely on them for whatever emotion they wish to feel or wish not to feel.
When do guys want to get back with their ex-girlfriends?
Most guys want their ex-girlfriends back when they spend some time away from them and ponder about them for so long that they develop feelings for them again.
Normally, they don’t start pondering about their exes for no reason. As I said before, there’s a reason for everything in this world. And guys’ reason (or reasons) tend to affect their emotions and cause them an epiphany.
Guys basically realize that they aren’t happier without their exes and that they must do something to relive the past and appease their nostalgic cravings.
You see, when guys are unhappy and regretful, it’s quite easy for them to put rose-tinted glasses on and forget about the reasons why their relationship failed.
This is because their negative feelings such as pain, regret, nostalgia, and sorrow replace their previous feelings of anger, suffocation, and even contemptâand make them want to stop feeling unhappy as quickly as possible.
By as quickly as possible, I mean that they run back to their exes for shelter.
So if you know a guy who’s staying in touch with his ex-girlfriends, know that most guys just want to be friends with their exes. They think that talking to an ex is no big deal and that it’s safe to do so.
But sometimes (when they’re unhappy, bored, or ungrateful) they remember the times when they were happy (when they had fewer emotional challenges) and contact people that were in their lives when they were happy.
If their exes were with them at that time, they often reach out to them and through longings for the past and a better future, develop feelings for them again. This consequently makes them neglect their current partner, take her for granted, fall out of love with her, and leave her for their ex.
What to do when a guy stays in touch with his ex-girlfriend?
Many guys don’t see the dangers of talking to an ex while they’re in a relationship. They seem to have the “I can look but I can’t touch” mentality as they’re convinced that they aren’t causing any harm unless they physically betray their partner.
That’s why they often tell their girlfriend that she should be stronger, more confident, and trust them more.
Such guys don’t consider the fact that their girlfriend can’t trust them unless they give their girlfriend reasons to trust them. Unless they show her they can listen to her and sympathize with her reasons for being insecure.
Bear in mind that most girls are willing to look for compromise and even “allow” guys to talk to their ex-girlfriends, but because guys bluntly shut them down, girls immediately go into defense mode and think to themselves, “My boyfriend reacted so strongly. Maybe he has feelings for his ex or is hiding something. (I got burned before) I need to be careful and make sure he stops talking to all of his exes.”
When a girl tells her boyfriend to stop talking to his exes, guess what happens next.
The guy immediately jumps to the conclusion that his girlfriend is being possessive, controlling, and extremely inconsiderate of his feelings. This often makes her look unattractive in the guy’s mind and sometimes even results in a loss of attraction.
When there’s a loss of attraction, though, the guy is then able to take his mind off his girlfriend and quickly fall in love with his ex again.
That’s why telling guys what to do and giving them ultimatums is a very bad idea. Not only does it make you look like a control freak and make guys furious, but it also hurts the connection between you and them.
My advice is to choose a subtle approach that will gently convey your thoughts and feelings. An approach that doesn’t demand, accuse, disrespect, and trigger your boyfriend’s need to defend himself.
Is it ok to ask your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex?
There’s nothing wrong with asking your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex. You’re his partner and if you’re hurt, he should acknowledge your pain and do something about it.
It’s only wrong if you force your boyfriend to stop communicating with his ex because that would hurt your boyfriend and make him feel disrespected.
It’s important that you convey your thoughts in a way that shows you’re on your boyfriend’s side, but at the same time, that you’d like him to consider your feelings.
Tell him he has a right to be friends with his exes and that you trust him but that you feel a bit uncomfortable at times because he’s talking to them a lot.
When you have his attention, calmly ask him if he’s willing to compromise a bitâjust a little so that you can express gratitude to each other more often and get the most out of the relationship.
Note that saying words like “a bit” and “just a little” doesn’t necessarily mean you want him to reduce the time he spends speaking to his exes by just a little. Using euphemism means that you care about his feelings and that you don’t want to back him into a corner.
Always remember that your boyfriend has to want to make changes in the relationship and not feel like you’re pushing him to do it just because you feel insecure or uncomfortable.
Most girls have a difficult time asking their boyfriend to stop talking to an ex because they get so emotional they completely overwhelm their boyfriend and bring a bad reaction out of him.
Such girls normally struggle with making their boyfriend see their side of the story. So as difficult as it may be, try to keep your emotions under control, put your poker face on, and talk to your boyfriend like an equal.
Should you break up with your boyfriend if he talks to his ex every day?
You may be able to get used to your boyfriend talking to his ex after months or years, but the question is, do you want to?
Do you want to be the only one who adjusts for the sake of the relationship while your boyfriend keeps failing to provide you with basic relationship needs such as security and certainty?
If you’re okay with it, try not to bring up this “ex topic” too often. If your boyfriend isn’t changing after you’ve politely mentioned it a few mentions, he probably won’t change even if you mention it 20 times.
You may as well save your time and effort and make sure he doesn’t think you’re controlling and insecure.
But if you aren’t okay with your boyfriend taking you for granted and refusing to make a few necessary relationship compromises, then it might be for the best that you break up with your boyfriend.
Tell him you have different relationship needs and expectations and that you’ve felt emotionally unfulfilled and unlistened to for a very long time.
Are you still wondering why guys stay in touch with ex-girlfriends? Is your boyfriend still talking to his ex(es)? Post your comment below this article.
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Please What should I do if my partner is still receiving pictures, chatting, talking and sending money to his ex?
Hi Bee.
Talk to him about it. Tell him why it makes you feel uncomfortable. He needs to listen to you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t care about your feelings nor deserve you.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex was this way. He told me of this horrible breakup before we got together. I believe I will accept the fact that he should have healed more before we got together. I should have declined whenever he asked me out. He was my HS sweetheart, and I waxed nostalgic. It was grand for the first month, but then it got strange. He started pulling away, and talking about her more. That was a red flag. This all boiled down to him missing her still, and while we were still together, he picked her up from her Boyfriends home, and has HER MOVED IN!! But he assured me, he didn’t cheat! Umm…sure. I broke up with him, and he says that he plans to go get help with his Bopolar issues and he will ‘be in touch’ with me. Needless to say, he is blocked on all social media platforms and his phone number. You cannot hug red flags and hope they melt away. They have to be willing to change and for the better. I wish them well, but I don’t see it being very successful as she tore his self esteem and psyche. Good luck, Jeffrey! You suck! Lol
You are correct Alina. Sorry about the loss your high school relationship, but you are better off to move forward without some guy like that who keeps in contact with an exe who was not healthy for him nor is his exe vice versa.
Leading any new girlfriend or boyfriend on when one has not properly process their pain, and whatever feelings that remains is not fair to the new partner.
You got hurt, was disrespected, maybe worse betrayed. I been there myself. You are not looking for a self pity, just aware that your relationship is not going to work and better off to find someone else who will understand you better and are just as highly aware of whom they base on their humble self confidence, not cockiness or stroking ego, and their own security to be whom they are regardless of the difficulties in life we face.
I think it is fair to desire and gradually know when one finds the rock who supports, respects, genuinely loves you regardless of flaws and you are their rock in return. Finding that who betters you, listens well, whom offers help when it’s required and knows when to keep information to themselves and of course you both have commonality with core values, beliefs, some interests or activities that you both can do together or compromise to take turns. Plus you both are independent and able to spend time with family and friends but are able to come back together in a healthy way. Both are a team, regardless some differences are to happen but you both learn to talk, understand and find a good compromise.
Basically, if one is in a monogamous relationship then it be should be a bonus in their life.
So, good for you for acknowledging that it’s better to let go of him, some people have to learn to hard way, and you move on for good. Make sure you process your pain as well so it doesn’t drag on to your next serious relationship. It takes time to heal for both sides, dumper and dumpee.
Some just rush back to a body and familiarity but don’t process everything that hurt them and not learn from their experiences and mistakes. Others mourn the process and try to learn from what went wrong, and learn to forgive the person who hurt them and more importantly forgive themselves. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes which leads to some form of consequence, but there are boundaries when in a serious relationship. One can only do their best to improve themselves as you already know, just need that push and desire to want to change for best.
Take care Alina.
How about girls zan? Or is it the same?
Hi Secret.
It’s the same with girls!
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks, Zan! I think your perspective on men is on point! Very different than how a woman thinks.
Thank you, Kara.
I hope you enjoyed reading the post.
Best,
Zan
I agree with this post!! Well written. Question: I am okay with a boyfriend talking to his ex⌠but what if the boyfriend says he doesnât talk to or see her and in fact, does occasionally talk and see her. And the ex isnât aware he has a girlfriend. I have thought they donât want to make things âweirdâ or hurt people⌠but seems unfriendly and disrespectful to the current girlfriend and past when neither know what is actually going on? Thought here? Thank you!!
Hi Kara.
If your boyfriend is keeping things from you, you need to talk to him about it. Ask for complete transparency and see if he opens up. If he doesn’t and keeps denying it, tell him you know they still talk/see each other. This might make him angry or force him to come up with an excuse. Whatever he does, he needs to be honest with you even if he doesn’t want to hurt you. Telling the truth is more important.
Kind regards,
Zan
The way you select topic and elaborate words just wow! Every single question that can be on dumpeee head you give the answer!
The very best
Thanks for reading, Linda!
I hope it helps.