Are you wondering if your ex will ever talk to you again? Do you worry that you’ll never hear from your ex and get back together?
If you do, you first need to understand that worrying about your ex reaching out is a complete waste of time. You’re worrying about something that’s completely out of your control.
You can’t foresee how your ex will think and feel about you because you don’t know what problems your ex will encounter and whether your ex will reflect on those problems and start seeing you in a better light.
Typically, dumpers need a few months to process their smothering emotions and run out of post-breakup relief. That’s when they start reaching out and talking about unrelated matters such as work, hobbies, news, pets, and well-being.
They basically breadcrumb their exes and give them hope as any communication with dumpers feels extremely empowering. The first conversation after no contact tends to be very positive and smooth because exes focus on catching up and feeling good in each others’ presence.
Dumpers usually feel good because they assuage their guilt and see that their exes don’t hate them whereas dumpees get the attention they need and feel cared for and validated. They think they’re on the same page with their exes when in reality, they want and get completely different things from each other.
That explains why dumpees continue to expect the following interactions to be just as empowering as the first one, only to soon discover that their ex has lost interest in them again and doesn’t want to talk as much or in ways that they do.
Whether your ex talks to you again depends on many things, starting with how your ex perceives you and whether your ex needs you to deal with unresolved emotions such as guilt and shame. If your ex needs you, your ex will reach out and try to get what you can help your ex with.
Dumpers can be very selfish after the breakup. They can make it look like they’re interested in you when they really just want to rely on you for something you can provide. So whatever you do, don’t think that your ex reaching out means the same as getting back together.
The end of no contact is merely the first step to reconciliation. Your ex will still have to discover your worth, fall back in love, and commit to maintaining the relationship. And your ex won’t do that unless he or she has some kind of epiphany.
That’s why I wouldn’t place my bets on hearing from an ex. Many dumpers break the silence and talk to their ex. But sadly, not many dumpers reach out for the right reasons (to get back together).
Many dumpers reach out for themselves to talk about mutual interests (kids, mortgage, etc), to satisfy their curiosity, deal with boredom, or to get what they want or need from the dumpee.
Only a fraction of dumpees break no contact to apologize and ask for another chance. Such dumpees normally take the initiative and invite their ex out. They don’t make their ex guess their intentions and play games with their ex. They’re too regretful and in too much pain to do that.
Due to a lack of success and happiness, they’re able to lower their pride right away and express that leaving the relationship was a big mistake.
If you’re desperately waiting for your ex to say how sorry he or she is for dumping you, you need to know that you’re hoping that many things go your way. You essentially want your ex to fail in some big way, reflect, notice your good qualities, ignore your bad ones, and come running back.
This means you’re willing to put your life on hold for an ex who currently doesn’t feel about you the way you feel about him/her. Not only is your ex focusing on things that don’t concern you, but your ex is also thinking negatively of you.
As things are, your ex doesn’t value you romantically. He or she thinks the breakup was necessary for his or her happiness and well-being.
So before you continue searching for answers such as, “Will my ex ever talk to me again,” ask yourself whether you’re okay with receiving responses that don’t align with your interests. Are you happy to get breadcrumbed, confused, strung along, and to find out your ex is dating again and/or not interested in getting back together?
If the answer is no, you may want to think twice about wanting to hear from your ex. As long as you’re dependent on your ex, it’s better that you don’t hear from your ex and continue to heal instead. Once you recover from the shock of the abandonment and deal with grief, you should see that you don’t want to talk to your ex.
You just want to feel in control of your thoughts and emotions. Your brain is making you think you want your ex to contact you, but what you actually want is peace of mind. Your brain just doesn’t tell you that because it keeps reminding you that the quickest way to heal and feel better is to communicate with your ex.
In today’s article, we talk about whether your ex will ever talk to you again. We discuss things that decrease and increase the chances of your ex wanting to speak with you again.
Will my ex ever talk to me again?
It’s difficult to say if your ex will ever talk to you again because every dumper is different. Some dumpers are so resentful and immature that they make fun of their ex and strip their ex of all value.
Such dumpers typically don’t get back in touch. They lack the ability to stop hating their ex, admit fault, improve their opinion of their ex, and talk to their ex with respect. That’s why they continue to stay away from their ex and badmouth their ex.
Therefore, whether your ex ever talks to you again depends the most on what your ex is like as a person. If your ex is a bitter, vengeful, closed-minded individual, your ex will probably never reach out. Instead of reaching out, your ex will think of himself or herself as a victim and you as someone who tormented him or her.
Secondly, it also depends on what you were like as a partner and a person. Were you nice, caring, thoughtful, supportive, and friendly? If you were, your ex could eventually process the separation and see that you mean no harm.
That, plus curiosity, boredom, and nostalgia could incentivize your ex to reach out and see what you’ve been up to.
Your post-breakup behavior also matters. Did you get angry, accuse your ex of things, and call your ex names? If you lost your cool, made breakup mistakes, and got on your ex’s bad side, your ex might not be able to get over the past.
This depends on how many post-breakup mistakes you’ve made and for how long. The longer you begged, pressured, annoyed, angered, or humiliated your ex, the smaller the chance that your ex will want to risk feeling uncomfortable again.
So if you’re trying to make your ex talk to you but with no success, I urge you to stop doing that right away. Forcing your ex to communicate with you will only make your ex want to talk even less. It will pressure your ex and make your ex lose the remaining attraction and interest.
The only way your ex should talk to you is of his or her own accord. That’s the only successful method of getting back in touch because your ex needs time to self-prioritize, explore the world, and realize you have something meaningful and valuable to add to his or her life.
Something no other person can give your ex.
When your ex finds a reason to speak with you, rest assured that your ex will reach out to you. Just keep in mind that your ex’s reason for reaching out may not interest you. If you’re like most dumpees, you want your ex to want you back, not just reach out and go silent afterward.
You want a relationship with your ex.
But your ex might not want that. You need to be prepared for that so you don’t discover your ex is in another relationship and get your reconciliation hope crushed. If you can’t handle bad news like that, you shouldn’t communicate with your ex.
You should stay away from your ex, heal, and demonstrate that you’re not going to chase someone who can’t give you what you seek.
All in all, most dumpees eventually hear from their dumper ex. They receive a text or call and converse with their ex for a while. They talk about things that happened after the breakup and avoid conversations that remind them of their life before the split.
Dumpers intentionally avoid relationship topics because those topics evoke unpleasant reminders of the past, They also scare them because dumpees might misinterpret them and think it’s possible to get back together.
Most dumpers would rather not give false hope after getting back in touch. They know that giving false hope comes at a big price and that their ex could get attached and express his or her expectations.
That would make them feel guilty and leave them with no option but to run for the hills again.
Personally, I heard from all my exes (dumpees and dumpers). Some dumpers reached out to me more than once, so I had no choice but to stand up for myself and stop them from reaching out and confusing me. I had to tell them to respect my wishes and leave me alone.
I suppose you’ll deal with that problem when your ex reaches out and talks to you about things that don’t interest you. But for now, stay away from your ex and keep in mind that your ex could eventually reach out.
If your ex doesn’t contact you out of boredom or curiosity soon, your ex could reach out years later when life gives your ex lemons and makes your ex nostalgic. Pain, fear, and negative emotions in general tend to make dumpers remember and miss their exes.
With that said, here are some things that determine whether your ex will talk to you again.
How long will it take for my ex to talk to me again?
The majority of dumpers who reach out do so within a few weeks. They’re eager to talk and still feel connected to their ex or have things to discuss, so they contact their ex and talk about things that need to be discussed.
Other dumpers, though, need much longer than a few weeks to find a reason to reach out. They need at least a few months because that’s when they process the breakup a bit more and realize they shouldn’t have said or done what they did.
In other words, they start feeling guilty and curious about how their ex is doing and as a result, decide to check up on their ex and perhaps even try to befriend their ex. This depends on the kind of relationship they have with their ex and the things their ex expects of them.
If their ex badly wants to get back together, they may feel overwhelmed and decide to keep their distance from their ex. But if their ex doesn’t threaten their space and privacy, they sometimes ask for friendship and attempt to friendzone their ex.
If your ex doesn’t reach out within a few months, that doesn’t mean your ex never will. I know many dumpees who receive a message from their ex years after the breakup. It takes that long because dumpers need to get more experience in life and encounter situations that make them think about their ex.
Things that make them think about their ex the most are:
- romantic failures
- problems at work or home
- fallouts with friends and coworkers
- depression, anxiety, stress
- a loss of direction and purpose in life
If your ex feels that life was easier or more meaningful before (when you were together), your ex might reach out to you to talk about the past. Just don’t expect your ex to keep talking to you because dumpers often disappear when they figure things out and get what they want.
They don’t see a reason to stick around because their reason for reaching out had nothing to do with their ex.
So if you’re trying to learn how long it will take your ex to talk to you, know that it’s impossible to predict it. It could take days or it could take years. It’s pointless to ask this question because even if I told you your ex will reach out 5 months from now, you’ll just stay hopeful and refuse to move on.
You’ll keep waiting for your ex to contact you and make no necessary self-improvement. In other words, you’ll stay anxious and waste your time.
Do you think your ex will ever talk to you again? Are you afraid you’ll never hear from your ex? Lots of dumpees are. Share your fears in the comments below and we’ll get back to you.
And if you’d prefer to confide in us privately, check out our coaching services here.
Hi Zan & Hi everyone here
Long time past since I was here. This blog gave me a hand to get trough the worst, but also reminds me how I was..
My discard was roughly 10 months ago..yes discard. One sided ghosting and silent threatment, but before that she chased me in complete desperation..but this was my fault..cause people only do with you, what you let them.
Once I posted here roughly what happened.
At the first few day’s of silent threatment I tried to talk with her reasonably, but just stone cold blue thicks on WhatsApp.
Few weeks later she texted.
Feel of guilt and curiosity just as Zan describe it here on the blog.
But I also posted what happened, here somewhere one of the posts.
Around February I deleted her number. I didn’t wanted to know about her anything anymore.
I purged everything, not just about her, about myself too.
All social media, fake friends who only gave me a call when they had a need. Family members also, with the same reason.
Whoever called or texted me, I told them …I’m not willing to be in contact them anymore.
Sometimes we have to destroy, before we build, cause you cannot build something strong if the foundation is weak.
I lived like a Spartan..sacrificed everything to reach my goals.
No Tv just books, I do pretty well in powerlifting too even if I step into my 40′ this year.
Decided to give back something and thought about people’s who struggle just as I did once. So time to time I make and post motivation videos.
My smile came back and I also make people smile around me..I become happy.
But 2-3 weeks ago on the way to the gym I got a message…..after 8-9 months..
Only one letter…
“H”
I did not opened it, but my heart went crazy, cause I recognised the number immediately. I had sweat, cold freezing. I couldn’t think straight for hours..I never seen my heart rate on the cardio machine over 145bpm, but that night I had 170bpm.
My best friend, who’s like brother for me straight said..
“Oh no…why?
Ignore it!”
But I don’t ignore people cause I don’t want them to feel as I felt.
So few hours later I texted.
“You look so pale( usual filtered I’m so pretty selfie profile picture on WhatsApp)
Please keep your eye on your health.
Best wishes”
Short message, I didn’t wanted to even think about it. Immediately deleted everything, cause I don’t go in mind games again.
30 mins later I heard I got a text , but I stayed in my bed and I forced myself to sleep…but I couldn’t that night.
At the morning I read the message.
“Sorry I didn’t meant to send the letter, but I still had your old messages on my phone. But I thought if I delete it it will just look worse.
Thank you
I hope you doing well”
For a few minutes I thought about it..what kind of freak picture she painted about me to justify herself….
Do I really look like retarded or stupid?
After half a year my messages at the bottom of the bottom on the list. If you want to delete them, you just mark the conversation and press bin just as I do..
You don’t have to open it and type a letter..and accidentally send it..
A: She for some reason read over my old messages and accidentally sent that letter..but please let me know any of you belive it?!
B: Just as my friend and I think, she checked on me..like tested I blocked her or not. Cause I deleted her number and all social media she knows absolutely zero about me.
So I made a coffee and answered her message, playing the retard.
“It’s ok
Just delete my number, that’s help avoid accidents.
Bee safe”
First mistake…it was reflex.I called her Bumblebee and I always finished my text for her like..Bee safe…
2nd mistake my ego won over my mind and I sent a short video where I shrug with 300kg/600lbs and said ..
“I’m fine if the mental disability, doesn’t matter”
An hour later, I thought I’ll hang myself cause I couldn’t belive how idiot I was…
Few hour’s later text came.. two..
“Wow you become a proper heavy weight lifter.Well done!”
“Happy to hear it 😊”
This was the moment when I felt I have to pull back, but I doesn’t wanted to be rude. So I answered.
“300 done..310 is the goal for this month. There’s always a higher mountain to climb or a bigger challenge to face it.
Much appreciate your support.
Thank you”
With the mountain and challenge thought she wiĺl understand I looking forward and I looking for a new relationship and not looking backwards.Messages deleted haven’t heard about her anymore.
But my colleagues noticed my strong mood change at the next few days.I quickly got back on track after that few day’s.Edited a new video on my tik tok which is did pretty well. Not a big shot but few thousand views. My friend said..
“I’m proud of you. I think you are helping people”
I was so happy, felt so good.
I had few profile visitors in the last few day’s and one of them was her…I got anxious again.
9 months since, I healed become success, achieving my goals…why she had to pop up in my life..accidental txt, stalking..
My friend says
“You have a free room in her head”
But this is true on me too. I loved her, I wanted to give her the whole world and everything what I’m capable and a part of me still love her and always will. I can’t think badly about her or be bitter even if I know what she did at the end, but our relationship changed and destroyed me badly.
My message for those who want to talk or get back with they ex..Don’t!
Not for years and not till life thought them a lesson.
And also us dumpee need time a lot of time.
And we always win.
I got much better job, better money, I could grow emotionally, intellectually and physically. Just noticed the ladies keep their eyes on me much longer than that’s necessary and I’m 40′
So may the end of the old world just one gate into a new universe.
Chin up, stop hoping and start growing.
Hi Las.
Thanks for writing such an encouraging comment and informing dumpees about common breakup mistakes. I know her breadcrumbs gave you tons of anxiety, so I hope that if she ever reaches out again that you won’t talk to her unnecessarily. If she reaches out half a year from now, you’ll be much less hopeful,attached, and anxious, so you probably won’t make the same mistakes.
Also, great job on improving your life and becoming much happier! You’ve got this!
Kind regards,
Zan
I have always have this mind set. My ex is marrued yes but over the years we dated, we had lots of journey together that I feel even just an honest hello (because of what we had in the past) might go a long way. But then again, I realized the kind and type of girl I dated. Now i don’t even hope for such because whatever we had was in the past and that’s it. Past!!! For me when you dump soneone, you don’t have to hate or resent them but sadly we are all different and most don’t realized that. Thanks for this article Zan❤️ I killed that hope long time ago fpr a reason that, no matter the kind of journey we had, it ended and it wasnt real. I feel bad somehow like was I this bad to her. I have tried other women yes and some that didnt work out, we are on a very good term talking not often but an honest hello and all of that.. I realized I wasn’t the issue and I can’t control how my ex sees me. Its her world and hers alone. Not reaching out is even good at the end of the day… Thanks always Zan. I am a moving train .
Hi lb.
Glad you’re doing much better. Hope took a while to let go of, but you did it, and should be proud of yourself! I encourage you to focus on areas of your life that need improving. Your ex obviously can’t help you with that. She’s got her life and you have yours. You indeed can’t control how your exes see you. But you can stop yourself from making post-breakup errors and ruining your persona.
Kind regards,
Zan
My long distance ex had reached out twice since the breakup ( first week after arriving back to Europe and just 3 weeks ago on our friend’s death anniversary), all within 80 days. The first text very much felt like a breadcrumb and the second text came from a place of care/thoughtfulness.. However, I thanked her for reaching out, and hoped she was handling the day okay, too, and also asked her kindly not to reach out again. Tough situation. I know that I don’t want to hear from her, but my sisters who had a good relationship with her, think that she will contact me again later down the road, possibly in a year or more.
For those who are new here, Zan’s articles have been so spot on about my current breakup and past breakups. These articles have really helped me climb out of darkness from my pre-Christmas long distance breakup.
Thanks for all this great content, Zan.
Best,
Al from Oregon
Hi Al.
You did what many dumpees don’t do. You stood up for yourself and stopped her from crumbling you. Let’s hope she respects your wishes and lets you heal.
Best,
Zan
Six months ago, my bi polar ex broke with me because I told her that she should try to treat me better. She was mad at me and did not talk to me since. I texted her on several occasions to talk to her. She totally ignored me. I decided to go no contact 9 weeks ago. I am always thinking about her and it is annoying. We have been friends for 10 years and intimate for about 2 years. We are older people in our 50th and we did not leave together. We would hang out during the week-end and go on vacation together. I have always been very kind, patient, nice and generous with her even when she had her narcissist tantrum. Despite this, our relationship was fine with me and I think for her too. I really miss her. Those past six monts have been very hard. I am resisting to contact her again since I think she is the one who should contact me if she wants to talk to me again. It has been 6 months and 9 weeks without any contact. She did not block me. Do you think she still could call me back
We broke up during the pandemic. She lived in holland and i moved back to the states.
She met another guy and got pregnant during the pandemic. However she still did contact me about a year after we split up .Which was About two months after she had her child. I knew nothing about her child birth. At first I thought it was to perhaps reconcile our differences and start dating again. But i was wrong. Just like this article said, she wanted something from me. She asked if she could borrow $1000. I said ok. I lent her the money and never heard from her again.
Hi Joe.
You’ve traded some money for an expensive lesson. Hopefully, she’ll return the money at some point. If not, then you’ll have another reason she’s not worth it.
Exes often reach out to ask for favors. You don’t have to be of service if you don’t get what you need in return.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am afraid I missed my opportunity when my ex called me for my birthday 4 months ago, and that I may never hear from him again.
The break up was 15 months ago. Because of his mental health issues, anxiety disorder, attachment trauma…as an avoidant person he focused on perceived flaws and doubts. He was volatile during the relationship, insecure and anxious. I didn’t feel like a priority, I wasn’t. But I focused on the good moments when he was loving and sweet.
I was patient and tried to push him seek professional help. Instead he involved his family members, compulsively asking them for guidance.. After he dumped me, I stayed NC 2/3 months and then requested a chat, he apologised, but he had not done any self-reflection – as you explain Zan – and stuck to his narrative and refused to try again.
In the moment, I felt like I had tried everything, felt momentary relief and went NC.
Maybe out of guilt, or a temporary epiphany, he called me 2 months later, to catch up and ask for my address, seeming interested again.. he sent me a gift. I thought this was a sign he was coming back (it was about 5/6 months after the breakup). I called to thank him, he didn’t carry on the conversation.. I felt rejected all over again! Back in NC…
5 months later (11 months post breakup), he called me for my birthday. What a shock! He didn’t talk about random things, but showed real interest about my life, and asked questions. I was playful and friendly, hiding my fear as best I could. Maybe I appeared more detached than I really was. And because he had called and disappeared before, I was guarded and didn’t stay on the line too long. After 25 minutes I realised it was not going to get more vulnerable so I thanked him and ended the call. Maybe I was also resentful for the past breadcrumbs.
I thought he would pursue me. I haven’t initiated any contact since. He probably felt rejected because he didn’t send wishes on new years… So as he has stayed silent 3 more months, I ignored his birthday. I didn’t want to reinforce sporadic contacts as the new norm.
And now I beat myself up. As not all dumpers are able to be direct and express how they feel. I didn’t help him when he made a bid for connection. And I wanted him to be someone he’s not : vulnerable and open-hearted. Maybe I should have shown more encouragement and initiated contact after he did.
But on the other hand, after all that I tried to fix the relationship, I also needed to hear he regrets it and misses me. Or if that was too much of a risk to take, if he had kept contacting me consistently, I would have allowed myself to initiate contact again.
It is very tricky for insecure / neuro-divergent / fearful dumpers… to reconnect with the dumpees. But it is also a pity to be too much in our ego, defensive, that it becomes impossible to reconcile. Even if that is what both people want.
Any thoughts or advice?
Thank you 🙂
Dee, I’m sorry for what your going through and also I am sorry for what I am going to say but you need some tough love.
Cut the cord and move on! You missed your opportunity on what, to be a therapist for a person that clearly is leading you on and giving you just enough to keep you on the hook. Stop finding excuses for his bad behavior, you deserve better then this.
You seem like a very giving person for better or worse. Go find someone else that is willing to give back to you the same way you do.
Thank you for your reply, Joe. And the tough love!
I believe he hasn’t strung me along intentionally, and is genuinely confused but not a bad guy. He was this way a good part of the relationship, often in turmoil and doubting. I also know if he hasn’t evolved and healed, it wouldn’t be worth trying again. But in hindsight, I think the call on my birthday was quite bold after many months of no contact, and he was humble and asking me questions – yet, not direct about us – so it makes me feel guilty that I played “hard to get” and didn’t help him.
I think he felt rejected. Also he deleted my profile on his Netflix account, he had kept it for more than a year after the breakup.
You’re right, I need someone who reciprocates efforts. And can be vulnerable.
Hi Dee,
I get this situation 100%. My last breakup was with someone hot/cold and I think he was so fearful and unsure it made me fearful and for either one of us to admit our true feelings felt incredibly difficult and terrifying.
You must give a more prepared person a chance for a relationship with you. You require more effort from someone to create something worthwhile. Someone reaching out or feeling rejected is simply not enough for you. I’m confident about this because though I’ve been in similar positions as yours, I finally gave someone a chance who was 100% there. He is making the years feel like months. Better days ahead.
Hi Carly,
Love your comment, Thank you! I’ve been very confused as to what to do since his reach out last week. I’ve come to the same conclusion, a simple reach out after disappearing, or if he feels rejected because I’m not replying, is simply not enough for me. Since the breakup, I tried to fix it early on, then always replied to his sporadic calls, in vain. And presented myself as a backup plan.
After all the hurt, and false hope due to his coming and going, I need him to come in a much bigger way towards me. To push against the barrier of my silence. Although his messages were more vulnerable than ever. I can’t fall into the trap and show I am always accessible.
Maybe as he was travelling through my country, he was nostalgic and impulsive. It needs to be more intentional and more efforts to persist. So I am not replying but will next time IF he takes further action. It is hard and a bit of a gamble. But if he doesn’t come back with some insight, it won’t go anywhere.
Hi Dee,
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. However, I think you’ve done more than enough to try and fix it. My pandemic ex’s father is bipolar, and I can say that my ex and yours seem to act very similar. My ex definitely played the victim with the breakup, but I know I dodged a major bullet. She had severe anxiety, childhood trauma, an avoidant attachment style, and she had to deal with the push/pull relationship with her father while growing up (along with her parent’s divorce at 11/12).
Finding someone who’s on the same level as you: communication, life values, goals, future plans, do you or do not want kids, etc.
All in all, I wish you a swift recovery on YOUR terms and timeline, and not your circle’s (family, friends, coworkers)
Stay strong!
~Al from Oregon
Hi Joe (I love Oregon!)
Thank you for your message.
I can’t believe my ex just texted me now!! It’s been 4months since last time.
He lives in north Europe. He must be traveling through the place where we met, as he texted “just passing through and seeing the sign made me think of you!” and he hopes I am doing good and couldn’t help but stop there.
I don’t know what to do, how long to respond. What to say.
Hi Dee.
It’s the dumper’s job to carry the conversation and get back together. He needs to express regret and show how badly he wants to be with you. I don’t think you wasted a chance at all. If he was serious, he would have taken things further. But instead, he just sent you gifts and initiated a few times. This is something guilty dumpers do. Your ex felt some guilt but mainly just wanted to stay in touch.
You need to keep him away from you, Dee. Don’t let him crumb you and string you along just because he wants to be friends. It will give you so much hope and anxiety.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
He finally messaged me 3 days ago, after 4 months of silence. He sent a photo of the place we met on our first date in my country, which means he had to drive quite a bit. “Hey D, hope you are doing well, I couldn’t resist stopping here for a moment. The city sign made me think of you. Hope I would walk into you”
I didn’t reply.
He texted again “I still have the good memories of you! All the love you gave me filled my heart, despite I was not always that nice or it didn’t work out. I carry that with me”
Then, he even called in video! I didn’t respond. I was too overwhelmed and shocked.
He texted “I am curious how you are doing. You can call me if you want to. I would like it”
I haven’t responded. I am torn, because he is way more vulnerable and acknowledge there was a breakup, and he wasn’t always nice (understatement!) but at the same time retrieve the accountability saying “or it didn’t work out” (I was really patient all along and he sabotaged it).
For the avoidant man he is, there is progress in how he is opening his heart.. What should I do now?
Thank you🙏🏻
Hi Dee.
Be careful. He could be feeling nostalgic rather than regretful. And nostalgia could be misinterpreted in a way that gives you hope. He’s a bit more vulnerable now, but I don’t think he wants you back. If you answer his calls, you could get pulled back in and strung along.
Do what you think is best, Dee. I personally wouldn’t let an avoidant person be in control of my heart.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for replying. What makes you think he doesn’t want me back?
I can’t imagine an avoidant person (more fearful avoidant, so with a softer side) be direct in a message after 4 months. I don’t know, I don’t want to make excuses for him, or be in denial. Maybe he’s hoping for things to slowly rekindle. But after his disappearing I am afraid to even respond. and pretend I am ok with chitchat when it leaves me more hurt and confused.
There have been 3 contacts since the breakup 15 months ago, and no meet up to reconcile. So I have reasons to believe he is not ready and comfortable knowing somewhere there is someone who loves him, the “phantom ex”.
What he says he “still carries that with him”, must feel good. I also carry feelings and longing but it feels like a wound and pain for me.
I admit feeling resentment that he has not been more direct and come to my door, travelled all the way to come find me. And 15 months later I still don’t get a clear message or request to meet up.
Indeed, he has a lot of trauma to heal, but he needs to want it first. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t responded in 4 days, which makes me feel bad too.
Thank you,
Dee
Hi Dee.
It seems that he’s feeling bad and has become nostalgic. I’m not 100% sure, but be careful because he could string you along. Dumpers don’t hope for things to slowly return back to normal. If they’re doubtful, they stay doubtful. You interacted with him 3 times over the span of 15 months and it didn’t lead anywhere, so he’s definitely not ready for reconciliation.
Cut him out of your life, Dee. That’s the best thing you can do.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate you. You’re right, 15 months of confusion that didn’t go nowhere. And I have always responded full of hope.
So this time, I have not responded, it’s been 10 days. I want to state by my silence that he has lost access to me.
The most vulnerable part of his messages :
“I still have the good memories of you! despite I was not always that nice. or it didn’t work out. I still carry that with me”
It’s progress but still not expression of regret or wanting me back.
Also, as he was driving through my country, and sent the photo of a place where we met, he knows I live 500 km from there – He doesn’t seem intentional about meeting up, more like a fantasy thought from a distance. And that is frustrating.
I am glad I didn’t take the video call. He didn’t deserve easy access to me like that, after he disappeared for months.
I still want to see if he will push over the barrier of my no answer, and take more intentional action.
I think his stringing me along reflects his own inner confusion, possibly more than ADHD and OCD, I wonder if he has BPD too.
Thank you for your support and analysis 🙂
Sincerely
Dee
Hi Dee.
I hope your ex gets the hint and leaves you alone now. He can’t continue hitting your weak spots and messing with your recovery. From now on, show him that you’re not going to put up with breadcrumbs and allow yourself to get your hopes up.
I know you’re curious to see if he’ll talk to you, but try not to act on your curiosity. This is the time for you to stay away from him and detach. He’ll contact you if he regrets leaving and wants to talk to you. But it probably won’t be to reconcile.
Hang in there, Dee!
Best regards,
Zan
Some dumpers never reach out for this simple reason: They don’t have to. Whatever else is happening in their lives or minds, they’ll never come to view their dumpees as a solution. Whatever curiosities they may have about their dumpees, they don’t want to muddle the situation by reaching out. That’s not necessarily bitterness or hatred, just indifference and a lack of impetus. They’re satisfied enough with their lives that they no longer see any place for their dumpees, even as an ego booster. If that’s what your dumper is feeling, it’s a safe bet that you won’t hear from them again.
Whoever you are, I just wanted to sat your comments are always so comforting.
Word up Jaycie🌹 🌺
Hi Jaycie.
I agree. Indifference is usually the reason they don’t reach out (especially months later). But also, don’t forget that some dumpers don’t reach out because they’re resentful, immature, and think their ex was the issue. They can’t see things from other angles.
Sincerely,
Zan